Letters to Chaol Westfall

by G.is.bored

Letters Aelin wrote to Chaol, but never sent. On the boat to Wendlyn, in her rooms between training with Rowan, and during their time as rebels together in Adarlan. Aelin reflects on the love she had for Chaol with bitterness on her tongue. After all, what an idiot he was for calling her a monster.

2. Letter 2

Dear Chaol,

How fucking could you? I loved you so much. You weren't the first, but you were supposed to be the last. I feel like a child looking back at what I promised you. What I dreamed with you. Philipa and all her scoldings were rights.

Time has passed but I still feel broken. Two sailors, David and Edward, have attempted friendship with me. I know what they want. I still succumb to their dallying to ward off the crushing loneliness.

Loneliness is a strange sort of thing. It creeps up on you, quiet and still, sits by your side in the dark, strokes your hair as you sleep. It wraps itself around your bones, squeezing so tight you almost can't breathe. It leaves lies in your heart, lies next to you at night, leaches the light out from every corner. It's a constant companion, clasping your hand only to yank you down when you're struggling to stand up. You wake up in the morning and wonder who you are. You fail to fall asleep at night and tremble in your skin. You doubt you doubt you doubt.

Do I

Don't I

Should I

Why won't I

And even when you're ready to let go. When you're ready to break free. When you're ready to be brand-new. Loneliness is an old friend standing beside you in the mirror, looking you in the eye, challenging you to live your life without it. You can't find the words to fight yourself, to fight the words screaming that you're not enough, never enough never ever enough. Loneliness is a bitter, wretched companion. Sometimes it just won't let go. (Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me)