They weren't together. He slept at her place, and they were having a baby together, but they still weren't together. Not really. Old habits are hard to break, after all, and years of solitude aren't easy to toss away. They enjoyed each other's company, talked about their lives, but neither openly mentioned the future or made any plans.
It wasn't as if they'd dated or declared a relationship or even talked about being serious. Sure, having a baby is serious, but their interactions were still the same as before. They came and went as they pleased, and while Shizune did her best to keep things noncommittal, it was starting to become difficult. Growing someone's kid inside you created a distinct attachment, and she started imagining life as a family. Her heart wanted that stability, but her mind reminded her it was irrational.
"Aren't I allowed to be irrational right now, if ever?"
But while she was allowed to be irrational, she wasn't allowed to force someone into something they didn't want. And Kakashi showed no signs of settling down. Of course, he was handling all of his new fatherly duties, which currently meant accompanying Shizune to her appointments and putting together baby furniture, but anything else that would typically be expected in a normal relationship was missing.
Kakashi had more romantic pursuers than Shizune, especially now. Having a kid made dating considerably more difficult for her, but apparently the idea of Kakashi as a father was what worked for some women. He brushed them off as he always had, paying attention only to those he wanted, only on superficial level. He was aware of their intentions, their motivations, and he was already in an unplanned situation that he couldn't control. He wasn't looking for another one.
And he wasn't exactly keen to find an alternate lover either, especially while he was in the middle of his current predicament. Kakashi was back to his habit of reading porn in public with his face regularly buried in one of his "romance novels." While he had desires just like any other person, he was too preoccupied with bigger problems to pursue an alternate avenue.
While he had multiple people for which he cared now, he was only partially responsible for them. His ANBU and Genin teams were in his care during missions, and Sasuke...well, he was always on everyone's minds, but more so Sakura and Naruto. Wanting the team together again was a burden for them all, so it was never him going for it himself. This, this was on him alone. No one else could be a father to his kid like he could. He was painfully aware of this with his own upbringing and with the orphan majority in his team. Mentors could be like Dad, but none could be Dad.
Middle-of-the-night cravings, help up from a seat or with bags, she tried to take care of things like these herself. It wasn't like her to burden someone with her needs, and Kakashi wasn't one to go around offering help - even in this situation. He was there, he cared, but he didn't come across as the doting type. Small words of encouragement, sure, but he was more comfortable talking about the future to ghosts who couldn't answer back than he was to an actual person.
This just highlighted how oblivious they could be and how little they actually knew about each other. As analytical as they could be in their professional lives, they were horribly obtuse with personal affairs. Kakashi was more than willing to be there, to go to the store at midnight for fish cakes and mochi, but Shizune was self-sufficient. She didn't seem to need him, to want his help.
She was just being stubborn, suffering when all she had to do was speak up. Instead, she told herself not to be a bother, not to be weak. He was already making an effort, but when she needed a helping hand, she wanted it to be his. She needed him to want to help. It was a senseless tug-of-war in her mind complicated by the flurry of emotions she could no longer control.
Where Kakashi fell short, her teammates and friends picked up the slack. Genma, Raidou, Iwashi, even Kurenai would help with picking up groceries, bringing her medication, making sure that she was doing well. However, now that the secret was out, she was getting stares and picking up on hushed whispers from the other villagers. With the constant scrutiny, she was glad to have supportive people in her corner. It didn't help matters that he was still going out at all hours while she diligently stuck to a routine, handling her responsibilities as dutifully as always.
Iruka would regularly take her to lunch, under Tsunade's firm suggestion, to get her away from the office. The Sannin knew how her apprentice would throw herself into work to regain some semblance of control in this chaotic situation, and because Iruka was there helping with mission assignments anyway, he was the reasonable choice to pull her away. Why not Kakashi? He had paperwork to do, of course, and if she couldn't get out of it as Hokage, he couldn't either.
Iruka was the doting companion that Shizune needed at the moment. Her independent streak was faltering with the overwhelming responsibility she was beginning to feel, and his concern for her was touching. He took her mind off of how complicated everything had become, and he became a reliable sounding board. Their lunches started getting longer, and Shizune began looking forward to the banter and company of the gentle Chunnin. There were never any hidden intentions or false pretenses to worry about. It was a platonic interaction from both sides - a friend being there for a friend.
He placated her worries about raising a child as a ninja, being that he constantly surrounded by the children of shinobi. Iruka himself lost his parents as a child, and while it wasn't easy growing up, it wasn't impossible. He reminded her that she had one of the strongest support systems with good friends, a resilient mentor, loyal loved ones. Deep, heavy topics that would usually be discussed between parents such as who would take care of her son if she were killed in battle were brought up and settled on the way to lunch counters around the village.
While this was cathartic for her, it felt decidedly exclusionary for Kakashi, especially when he heard of these decisions from Sakura instead of Shizune herself. Even though none of this was planned, he still wanted to be a part of the process, and being involuntarily shut out of it did not sit well with him. While he projected a carefree image and acted as if nothing phased him, Kakashi was not comfortable with decisions being made for him in aspects of his life that he'd rather control.
Things were calm in their confrontation again. He was home early, which was unusual for him, and she was coming back from tea at Kurenai's. The jonin was nice enough to let Shizune borrow some of her old maternity clothes. It was unnerving, the nearly masked tension in his voice as he spoke of how he shouldn't have to hear about major decisions from another person - even if that person was his former student.
"What right do you have to lecture when you aren't there for me, for us? Why should I feel so alone in this? You ran away," she said with an unnatural steadiness to her voice, "You outlined your role clearly, and I considered that in my decisions."
Undercurrents of rage and betrayal tugged at her words, emotions that she was trying so hard to keep at bay. Her perspective was biased, unaware of his failure to correct her assumptions. As difficult as that was for him to hear, what came next was just as hard. It was honest and open, letting himself consciously care for another and allowing this person truly into his sphere. And goodness, if it wasn't the most hypocritical thing he'd ever said.
"You never had to feel alone. You only had to let me in."
Her strong facade faltered. He said it like that was so obvious, so easy to do. There he was offering what she'd wanted, but she was too defensive to ask, too guarded. How was she supposed to start now? 'I want to be together. We work. We'd be so good together. Our family would be perfect.' The words were too difficult to say out loud. It felt too exposed; the opposite of everything a ninja should be doing, but if not now, then when?
"Well...then, what about us?"