Letters to Chaol Westfall

by G.is.bored

Letters Aelin wrote to Chaol, but never sent. On the boat to Wendlyn, in her rooms between training with Rowan, and during their time as rebels together in Adarlan. Aelin reflects on the love she had for Chaol with bitterness on her tongue. After all, what an idiot he was for calling her a monster.

4. Letter 4

Dear Stars,

I'm not in the mood to write to the Ocean today. I was splashed yesterday and now I smell like fish.

The sailors Edwards and David have been bugging me, but they are my only company on this ship. The rest of the men on board don't talk to me. I don't know if it's because of my quick temper of the weapons strapped to my body. It could be that they knew Chaol. Chaol had the ability to command loyalty from any man. I don't talk to them in fear that they have chosen a side. Chaol's side.

Edward's company is horribly uncomfortable. He's awkward but kind. The type of person that makes you uncomfortable, but you can't push away because technically they haven't done anything to harm you. I know what he wants. He wants to get in my pants, he admitted in a pathetic attempt that he quickly revoked saying he was 'drunk'. The worst part is, he knows I just left Chaol. I can't imagine understanding what goes on in his head but I can try to assume. He thinks I miss the comfort of a body, I don't know. Chaol may have been horrible to me at some points, but I still have standards! I enjoy his awkward attention. I know it's horrible to allow him to rumble on and on but honestly, I don't have the heart anymore to tell him to stop. I need any sort of attention, even if it mildly disgusts me. I need anything to keep me from breaking.

David is the better of the two. The thought of my body is on his mind. Not flattering myself at all. He too, offered in the first conversation we had together in a desperate attempt. He offered in the first conversation we had together. No, I cannot offer him that, but I can offer him my company as a friend. This seems good enough for him for now. His sweetheart left him too. Our conversations are often one-sided where we pretend to listen to each other so when they,ve finished we say 'I totally understand! This one time I was with my love we...'. We analyze each other's hurt to justify the pain. He won't mean anything to me in a few months. We are so very different from each other. I am thankful for what we do for each other now, but I know with time we will drift apart. He's kept me alive. Without him meaning very much to me, he's kept me from breaking.