Letters to Chaol Westfall

by G.is.bored

Letters Aelin wrote to Chaol, but never sent. On the boat to Wendlyn, in her rooms between training with Rowan, and during their time as rebels together in Adarlan. Aelin reflects on the love she had for Chaol with bitterness on her tongue. After all, what an idiot he was for calling her a monster.

5. Letter 5

Dear Chaol,

Fuck you. I'm so angry with you. Of course, I have real reasons but right now this is just how I am coping with the loss of you. Five stages of grief? No, I don't think that's how this works. It's more like an ocean. Some days I am raging while others I am calm. Right now I am crashing into boats and ruining lives, I wish I could ruin you. I wish I could take revenge for all the feelings you made me feel. I wish I could take it all back.

I wake up from dreams angry. You no longer hold me in my dreams. You no longer laugh with me. Now you're laughing at me, you're pushing me, you're cheating on me, you're cutting me. The spark in your eyes is no longer love, it's revenge, anger, resentment. I feel my emotions shifting. I don't wake up longing for you anymore. I wake up scared and angry.

I am almost to Wendlyn now. I suppose I have to start acting like a human again. I have a mission after all, but I know if the King came to find me I wouldn't fight from being imprisoned or even killed. I would only fight if I was to be brought back to you. If I came back I wouldn't know if it would be to love you again or kill you.

I think about you less and less. I don't remember what your face looks like. I don't remember the hue of your skin. I don't remember the tang of your scent.

You're a memory now, not a person.