Letters to Chaol Westfall

by G.is.bored

Letters Aelin wrote to Chaol, but never sent. On the boat to Wendlyn, in her rooms between training with Rowan, and during their time as rebels together in Adarlan. Aelin reflects on the love she had for Chaol with bitterness on her tongue. After all, what an idiot he was for calling her a monster.

6. Letter 6

Dear Chaol,

I've made it to Wendlyn now. The only company I have is this huge hulking brute, Rowan. He won't talk to me, he won't look at me. He seems to be the only being on earth that is not susceptible to my flirting. Not that I want anything to come from it, but recently flirting has been my tool to stay sane. No, I don't like him but I am desperate to feel something like that again. I am desperate to feeling anything.

I've thrown myself into training. I've become really thin. I don't eat, simply because I don't feel hungry. I wish I had cravings again. I wish I craved chocolate and wine but lately, I'm just void of feeling.

Sometimes I think about you. Do you think about me? Do you miss me? I would never admit to missing you. Do you dream about me? Do you wake up in the morning sweating? Thinking about what we once had? I'm not desperate to know. I'm just curious. I just want to know how deeply you've been affected. It'd be validation to know if this process was as long and complicated for you as it has been for me.

There is a small spark in the bottom of my soul. I haven't dared acknowledge it. It's a small part of me hoping for happiness. It's a part striving to live again. I don't dare acknowledge it in fear that too much attention my extinguish it. After training, I start to feel a glimmer of want. I want to go eat, I want to go work, I want to go see Emrys, I want to listen to a story. I don't know what this means for me. I don't know if this is progress. You're still in my mind and I don't know if you'll ever fully leave me. I hope you do.

Rowan crumpled the note in his fist. Who is Chaol? It's obvious that Aelin is hurting as much as he was. His lip curled. He thought her an arrogant girl but it seems there is more to her. Foolish. She should have used her power to burn this letter. Maybe Chaol was the reason she was struggling to access it. A territorial ember in his body at the thought of a man treating Aelin anything less than she is. Anything less than she is? She's an arrogant girl that's hell-bent on making his life miserable.

She's kind. She's loyal. She's the chance for a better world.

No. Not for Rowan. Not while he is blood sworn to Maeve.