Dear Chaol,
Yesterday I lit my first candle. After nursing the bruise I had received from Rowan throwing an apple at my head because my "whining", I managed to light the candle. Seconds after this I managed to vomit up the apple from an hour earlier, along with the remnants of my breakfast. Rowan told me it was from the iron in my blood, and the symptoms should stop after a few hours. I haven't been able to rid myself of the hollow shaking in my hands. Even an entire day after, my hands are still shaking. The shaking could be from my dream.
I don't know if it was the magic that set my brain off. I had the most vivid dream. You came to me in a dream again. I wonder if it happens when we both go to bed thinking about each other. It was beautiful like we had it in the beginning. The worst part about these dreams is the feeling I get after I wake up. For a few seconds, sometimes minutes, I snuggle in ignorant bliss. I think through the dream I just had. Then it hits me. I remember you're gone. A dull panic sets into my bones. I can't roll over, I can't breathe, I can't even distract myself. I can only listen to my pounding heart and racing thoughts. I have to convince my brain that the dream is wrong. That a relapse like this is not acceptable. I approach it like a drug addict relapsing. Because that's what's happening, right?
I need to move on with my life. Now don't get me wrong, I have moved on from you Chaol. But where I am now, feels stagnant. I go day after day with barely now progress. Day after day I beat into the dirt by the arrogant bastard Rowan. Secretly I want to go to Wendlyn, I want the responsibility, I want to see my aunt. I also know this responsibility will crush down onto my shoulders with ten times the weight that you did. I guess it would just feel better to help others with their problems than wallowing in my own.
On a positive note, Rowan has promised to take me to the healer's fortress. The traveling will be good for me I hope. A change in scenery might be what I need to spur my training into exponential progress. Doubtful, but if it happens I will finally get to see the spider queen. Spider queen. You know... That dream I had felt as if I were a fly caught in a web. As if there was someone watching, crafting, orchestrating. I best not make it out to be magic.
Aelin's face heated with anger. How could she allow herself to think about him? She had made such progress, and yet that dream had dragged her back months. She held the note in her hand. To her delight, it burst into flame. She opened her hand and let the ashes blow onto the table from the breeze that had entered her window. Begone Chaol. Let me live.