The Destruction of Springfield hit us hard. We all dealt with it differently. I was broken by the loss of the little people, literally in my case. Professor Frink said he wasn't able to save the tiny civilization that had formed. The Town had been evacuated partly thanks to the effort of the Stonecutters. Once the shock had worn off and everyone accepted what had happened. The shift turned to asking who was responsible. Our Defense systems didn't point to Russia, firing the nuke. No they pointed towards Canada. Of course, everyone in the family and even the US knew what this meant: Hank Scorpio.
The Canadian government didn't know where Scorpio was and it was difficult to pinpoint just where the blast had been fired. They cooperated with the manhunt of course, but there was suspicion on Canada and a new movement was rising in the nation: Blame Canada.
Then there's Dad. Dad was now the Mayor of a town that no longer existed. The proof of his trash activities had gone up in flame, along with Ray Patterson. The investigation into the remains of the trash shifted to the idea that Patterson had been dumping the trash. Dad had told us the truth, and the guilt was crushing us. Dad also seemed bothered by it but I could tell he was scared of losing his new role as Mayor of a town that didn't exist. Still the aid was pouring in and he was becoming more popular.
With his Trash business gone, Dad was looking for another way to recover funds rather than rely on relief. Apu in a letter was the one that suggested, Homer go into the grease business, turns out you can sell grease for profit and Dad wanted me to help him."
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.
"Now we were going to school in Arlen, but I did go out to help settle in some of the Springfield refugees that were moving into Capital City. No one ins Springfield really wanted to move to Shelbyville but living in Capital City was expensive and a hometown rivalry wasn't going to stop them from refusing aid and refugees. While volunteering in Capitol City I met this young girl named Alex Whitney. She was supposed to go to School in Springfield but now she was in Capitol City. She was really into fashion, well that and those Angelica Button books.
I was also trying to comfort Luana. She lost her friend Buckley in the propane explosion at the Megalomart. She reminded me of Sinead O'Connor's activism. Bobby was afraid of death. He started a relationship with a classmate, but that didn't go anywhere."
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"Dad had hit a midlife crisis, and I think he was trying to find more to do. He'd accomplished so much but he suddenly jumped into an inventor phase. I assume it was because he didn't really have a job anymore and was going through a mid life crisis of sorts. Maybe he just thought he could do anything. His inventions were hit or miss, like the makeup shotgun that applied makeup by shooting someone in the face. It wasn't fatal but no one wanted to be shot in the face. Dad didn't do any favors by giving it multiple setting, and then setting it to whore during the test run. He once shot a wall with it and now it was plastered with makeup. It was kinda hilarious. His other inventions were an electric hammer, a reclining chair with a built in toiler(which I tested out. I took a newspaper and sat down on it). Dad did have one invention that worked. He added two hind legs to his chair so that it became impossible to fall over. This one actually did take off, so I guess Dad could count inventor as one of his jobs.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.
"I was out practicing shooting when I shot a bird. I don't know why I did that. I just saw it and fired. It was a good shot and I was praised for it but it bothered me. That night I went back to where the nest had been and found two eggs. I decided to hide them. I hoped to raise them and took care of them. Then they hatched. They were not birds. They were lizards.
Bolivian Tree Lizards. I'd never heard of them and apparently neither did anyone else. It seemed to be a fairly new species that was released into the world. I mean I did released Bull Frogs into Australia by accident but someone did that willingly. The Lizards could glide but they had also been bred to eat birds and be brood parasite that lay their eggs in bird nests. They were protected since they were so rare. No one knew where these came from, only that they first appeared in Boliva and could fly and were brood parasites. Since I found them ,they were popping up all over the area. The Pigeon population started to drop. This was in Texas and parts of Springfield. They could be a problem if they kept growing.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.
_
Bart painted words on the chalkboard with blood, writing down the words in the empty classroom. A Siren went off and he took off running. Quickly he got onto his skateboard and took off. He would never get home. Elsewhere at the school, Lisa did not wait, she blew the wrong note and took off. At a shopping center, Marge grabbed Maggie out of the checkout line before she was scanned and placed her in the shopping cart.
At the Power Plant, Homer heard the siren as well. He dropped the plutonium and ran along with Lenny and Carl, heading to his car. All members of the family were headed home. Something stinged at Homer's back. He reached behind him and pulled out the Plutonium rod, it had burned and seared his flesh but he was in so much pain but it felt only like an inconvenience. He hurled the Plutonium rod out the window, Bart went passed it and passed other people. He would never make it home. Instead a skateboard covered in blood slid down and was run over by Homer's car. He stepped out. That was when the other car hit him. Lisa Simpson's bike rolled down the street empty , down the road before hitting a fence and stopping. The car that hit Homer was also empty.
Inside the house, standing in the living room waiting for them was an undead man wearing a Hockey Mask and holding a machete. A voice in his head spoke,
"They should be here by now."
A strange light effect filled the room and a portal appeared. From the portal emerged .
"Our mission is complete. They are already dead. Come."
returned through the portal. Jason stumbled through.
_
Snake Jailbird was slammed on the Kwik-E-Mart counter by Wiggum.
"Looks like we finally got you."
Snake growled.
"This isn't over. I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you."
He looked at Moe and Apu.
"You two are so dead."
As he was led out. He passed Bart, who was hiding behind an aisle. Snake turned in his direction and Bart hid. Snake's eyes narrowed. Bart's mind was left wondering if he had seen him.
The switch was pulled. Snake's eyeballs exploded in his skull. He let out a weak…"Dude" before he fell over dead.
held the corpse of Snake Jailbird, he carefully cut the hair out.
"I hate doing this. It's magic not science."
"There's no way to get the soul to possess Homer with the use of science. The Human brain is far too vast and complex to fit into hair
"Why not simply kill this version of Bart like we have so many others? Why the subterfuge?"
"This way we can also control the one called Homer. He runs a powerful cut known as the Stonecutters. In most universes, his identity as the chosen one is never discovered, in some the Cult rejects him, in others it's someone else entirely. In One it's Ned Flanders."
"So we're killing two birds with one stone?"
"Yes. This version of Snake was plucked from another timeline. I intend to send him against a different version of Bart Simpson. Not that he would know the difference, but first…a little test."
Homer entered the Kwik-E-Mart.
"Ooh la la Homer. Nice hair cut. What can I do for you and your new doo."
"You sent me to the chair."
Apu gasped.
"Snake? But, you're dead?"
"I know you are... but what am I?"
Snake grabbed Apu and pushed him towards the Slurpee machine as he screamed.
"No No Noooo!"
"a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. A picture of Apu appeared. The Simpsons gasped. The news cut to Chief Wiggum.
"We don't yet have leads but I can tell you Apu did not suffer."
When the crew cut away, Wiggum turned and went inside. Lou was inspecting Apu's feet sticking out of the Squishee machine.
"Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief".
Moe's Tavern.
Moe was in his underwear at the bar eating a bo of Penicill-O's. The door slammed open and Snake stood there.
"Ah morning' Homer. You look…Focused."
"Shut your Sqeallhole Booze jockey. I'm gonna totally waste you."
Snake grabbed a corkscrew from the bar and stabbed Moe repeatedly with it.
squealed in delight. The experiment had been a success. Now it was time to pull Snake into another universe. The doctor was sure he would carry out his revenge and murder a different Bart.
Snake was confused by the crater where Springfield had been, but that wouldn't stop him. He had to make sure Bart was dead. When he confirmed he was he had to break into a military school of all Rommelwood place couldn't keep him out. He had to be quiet as he approached the bunk. Finally he spotted him. He was older than he expected and he was shaved bald, but he could tell. Snake raised his knife. Then Bart's eyes snapped awake.
"Dad?"
Snake smiled sadistically before he swung the knife down. Bart rolled out of the war and the knife pierced the pillow. Bart reached under the sheets.
A shot rang out.
Everyone in the room woke up. To find Bart standing over his father with a gun.
Bart was arrested and a trial pending. It was obvious to everyone that the intruder had tried to murder Bart, but the boy had still violated the law by hiding a weapon. The man's identity also was somewhat of a mystery. He looked like Homer Simpson, his DNA matched Homer Simpson, but Homer Simpson had an air tight alibi and was a Mayor in Oregon. Homer was especially confused by this and did bring up the strange case with his brother Herb.
shouted angrily at the heavens more than anyone specifically. Colossos realized he hadn't done his research. He'd looked into other universes. The Simpsons lived in Springfield and he thought this applied to all universes. Evidently, he'd found the only one so far where they'd moved.
Still thanks to Snake's skill in tracking them down, he knew where the two were.
Bart sat in his cell. At least the TV was visible and was playing Itchy and Scratchy. Then there was his strange effect from the TV. It was glowing
"Guards?"
There was no response. Bart moved towards the TV.
Suddenly a strange lightning like effect engulfed him. The glow now seemed to be around him. He screamed as he was pulled into the TV through the bars of his cell as if they weren't there.
Bart's eyes adjusted. He looked at his hands and screamed. He was yellow. He looked around. He couldn't believe it. He was in a cartoon. Not just any Cartoon. He was in Itchy and Scratchy. Then he noticed someone.
"Lisa?"
She saw him, just regaining Consciousness.
"Bart!"
The two siblings hugged before they started looking around.
"What happened?"
"We're in a cartoon."
"How humiliating."
Bart pointed.
"Look."
Itchy was titling a tray full of candy into a bag held by Scratchy. It was Halloween. Then Itchy threw the tray and it cut off Scratchy's head. Despite the situation, Bart and Lisa both chuckled at this as blood covered them. Itchy cut off the top of Scratchy's head, pulled out his brain and inserted a candle. Bart and Lisa couldn't help themselves but laugh a bit. Scratchy's head looked at them.
"Why are you laughing?"
Itchy looked over to him.
"They're laughing atcha pain!"
Scratchy's headless body put his head back on and put the brain back in, extinguishing the candle.
"That's mean."
"Let's teach em' a lesson."
Itchy and Scratchy shook hands. Scratchy then threw an axe at Bart who ducked. It landed right about his head. He felt something and touched around his ear. His finger had blood on it. He screamed. So did Lisa.
There was the sound of a fuse. Both looked over to see Itchy at a Cannon loaded with weapons. They screamed again and ran through the open front door just as the wall exploded. They turned to see the wall of objects, Sharp knives, and. Even a pair of dentures. They bot ducked and the weapons through passed them. They saw a police car with a figure behind the wheel and ran. In panic they didn't question as they got inside and breathed a sigh of relief. The Police car took off. Lisa's eyes narrowed when she read the small plaque inside with the words "To Protect and Sever."
The driver was revealed to be Scratchy. Itchy jumped up on the seat with a chainsaw. He swung it down. Lisa and Bart both moved as it came down on the seat. He swung his chainsaw back and accidentally cut off Scratchy's arms.
"Hey!"
"Sorry."
"Eh. It happens."
He shrugged and began to drive the car with his mouth. Bart and Lisa took advantage of the distraction to jump out. With no other options, they ran back to the house. Inside, there was a wall missing. Then before them there was a flash as appeared. Bart shouted out the obvious.
" !" Both shouted.
"Ah, you remember me!"
"So you're behind this?" Said Bart.
"That's right!"
"But why?!" Lisa inquired
"Because, Simpson children! I have been unable to return to my own universe! Yet, as I travelled the Multiverse. I noticed one common thread."
Bart crossed his arms."Oh, what's that."
"You! Every universe I went to was inhabited with versions of you with yellow skin! Ones where I was a comic book character."
"Well, yeah. You are." Retorted Bart.
"Precisely, therefore I've come to the conclusion that your universe is the original as all others seem frozen in time with weird yellow skin. Therefore I must destroy your universe, for it is the prime one.
"Why are you telling us all this? Why didn't you just kill us?" Bart wondered.
"just…Kill you?" Colossos said as if the thought was alien to him. That's when Bart remembered was from a Comic book and one that never really went into the dark territory of later stories. He couldn't conceive of just killing someone, not without an elaborate scheme behind it.
Behind Bart and Lisa, there was a burst. Itchy and Scratchy had broken through with a flame thrower. They raised it and a clicking sound was heard and gasoline in the air. Bart looked over and saw a remote around 's hip. With quick thinking he ran forward and swiped the remote, running passed Colossos. Lisa followed. Colossos grabbed his hip and looked back at them. He then turned back and saw the Flame coming towards him, its orange glow reflecting in his goggles.
"Curses."
This was followed by a scream as the fire engulfed him and his shrieks of death filled the air. Bart fidgeted with the remote, pushing buttons, thankfully it turned out most of the buttons were clearly labeled in an almost cartoony fashion. The lens of Colossos's goggles exploded. Bart and Lisa then vanished.
The next thing they remember was falling on a pot on a kitchen table. It appeared to be a rerun of Regis and Kelly, likely in tribute to the latter's death. They splashed tomato sauce on both the hosts. The two tried to take a moment to process this, when Itchy and Scratchy both suddenly fell from the sky also. The two panicked and took off running, Bart fidgeting with the controls. There was another flash.
Bart and Lisa hit the floor. As they regained their senses, they realized just how familiar the floor was. They were back at Rommelwood, in one of the offices. Any sense of fear of being caught by their superior was overshadowed by the fear they had when two figures emerged from the tv before them. The figures of Itchy and Scratchy.
Marge Simpson was woken up by a knock on the door. She pulled herself out of bed.
"Coming." She muttered weakly as she headed to the door, rubbing her eyes.
"Who is it?"
"Mom."
Two voices had responded.
"Kids?"
She opened the door to see Bart and Lisa standing there.
"What are you doing out of School?"
"Umm…we had a problem."
Bart had said this but it seemed almost like a timed response. They both held up two animals. A mouse and a cat. There was almost nothing notable about them, at least at first.
"A Mouse and a Cat. You got pets? Why'd you bring them here? And risk getting expelled?"
"You should sit down for this."
It was all explained to Marge.
"So these are the real Itchy and Scratchy."
She looked over at the mouse in the tank running on a hamster wheel and the Cat looking at the other black cat Snowball. Around the same size.
"When they passed through they just became a normal mouse and normal cat…well at least they seem to be a bit smarter."
Lisa continued.
"And we couldn't keep them at Rommelwood. If they learned the truth they'd be dissected."
"Yeah and that's no way to pay back our childhood heroes' retorted Bart.
Marge thought about it.
"Alright. They can stay here, but the Cats gonna have to be neutered."
Scratchy's face changed to a Cat's version of horror.
"you two have to go back to School."
Bart put his head down. It was gonna suck. He was still a suspect and now he'd dragged Lisa into trouble. Their plan was for Lisa to bring him back in and lie and say that she caught him trying to escape and chased after him. Marge would verify the story but Lisa would still be in serious trouble.
Maggie Simpson screamed one morning upon biting her tongue and drawing blood that seeped into the sink. She was found passed out by her father. He then called the police. He took a momentary look at her open mouth and saw what was clearly a fang on one side.
Marge Simpson came to the Hospital as soon as she heard. When they entered the room it was surrounded by army me. What she was shocked her.
Maggie's lower torso now had tentacles growing alongside her legs and she was screaming in horror. Marge was prevented by armed men from reaching her daughter, as was Homer. The two spotted each other across and ran to each other. They embraced. Marge asked what happened. Homer explained. Then it was Marge's turn.
The two sat down, Marge thought back to the night of Maggie's conception, and the nightmares she had that day. She fell asleep and leaned on Homer.
She woke up in a different area. Homer was there too. He recognized it and was filled with horror. It was the inside of a Rigellian ship. That was when two Rigellians emerged. Homer recoiled in fear.
"But…you're dead…I killed you!"
"We are not the same Rigellians you murdered"
Homer wanted to sigh in relief.
"We are here to collect one of our own."
They gestured to an area which opened to reveal a transformed Maggie. A fang and tentacles.
"Maggie!" Marge shouted and tried to run but found an invisible shield blocking her way. Homer was far more hesitant. He only stood there and shock. The Rigellian spoke.
"You are correct. She is your daughter, but Homer…"
Then there was a flash and a holographic image appeared in the form of Jerry Springer.
"You are not the father."
Homer was confused more than anything.
"You…you're not Jerry Springer….He was killed in the invasion"
The alien extended his fleshy looking hand.
"I am not Jerry Springer. I am an alien. I thought I would take this human form to make you far more comfortable. I guess I shouldn't have tried Rigellian. I thought that form would help share the bad news."
"So the Rigellians..."
"The Rigellians will not be returning to Earth. We have seen to that. An under the table deal. They won't be back unless your show gets cancelled. However, this is a rare case. Maggie was conceived not with yourself and Marge, but between Kang of Rigel.
"Homer fell into silence and tears."
"…I am not the father…"
"Correct."
He stepped back.
"So….What are you going to do now that you know the truth?"
Homer still sat in silence, processing this.
Dad came crashing down through what turned out to be the home of Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger's home. Bassinger screamed and Dad was kicked out. It was a huge scandal. Dad tried to explain that he was abducted by aliens and that he'd made a joke about being dropped off at "Alex Baldwin and Kim Bassinger's House" and they took him seriously. He was pushed out and apologized. He later claimed that he was parasailing. Baldwin and Bassinger even apologized to him. He was invited to a party where he pitched a film idea to Ron Howard that was greenly, It was about a killer robot that travels through time. Howard initially rejected the idea seeing it too similar to Terminator, but changed his mind. He would pitch it as his next move to Brian Grazer at 20th Century Fox, which had recently been bought by Disney. It was clear that something was wrong with him. He was in tears. In a way, he had lost his daughter. He was looking for ways to distract himself. He tried being an actor and signed out a membership for the Screen Actors Guild.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson
Dad was in a slump. For Mom, she had been returned alongside Maggie. Medical checks showed nothing different about her. This led Mom to assume it was a dream until Dad was heard to have fallen through a celebrity's window. He was still made at her. I never understood why. It wasn't Mom's fault. What drove him out of it was going to talk to his own mother. The two drove out to a farm where Homer spent some time while she was a hippie. There was a beautiful mural there of Dad as a child at Woodstock. Dad tried to live as a hippie but he wasn't quite happy and didn't quite do it right. He did try to help these two hippies, Seth and Munchie, who helped make Organic Juice, but well…there was an incident there. Without telling Seth and Munchie, Dad used some of their Peyote crop and a lot of that Juice caused hallucinations. So all three got arrested. Dad had been in jail before and this would be a lot shorter since it was unintentional but it still landed him in trouble. Dad did well in jail this time at least.
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"When Dad got out he did this weird thing. I think it was because Mom had most of the kids and he missed Maggie, who he now seemed to be afraid of. Mom did too and I wasn't sure why until much later. He actually took home a live lobster from the Super market and raised it as a pet.
As for me, well I did get in trouble for leaving School even to bring Bart back, but I was a fairly good student all things considered. I kept tabs on the kids from what used to be Springfield Elementary and that girl I met, Alex Whitney. Whitney wrote to me for advice. She was stuck at home with a cold and got obsessed with that Crash Dingo video game, so she didn't study. My guess is she cheated because I heard they gave her a huge basic assistance grant. What's weird is when I checked she said she rejected it but it seemed the school got it. I tried to talk to some people and they mentioned something about two versions of the ceremony happening. Aside from that life inA Arlen seemed normal. Peggy Hill got a job working for the Arlen Bystander.
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"A Comic Convention hit Capital City, Dad decided to campaign again, despite losing his position when he was arrested. The destruction of Springfield made it difficult to tell just how to proceed with elections. Homer decided to attend the convention. He was a celebrity, albeit a controversial one. At the Convention was Tom Baker, who played the Fourth Doctor from Doctor Who, the original prop of Fort from the Day the Earth Stood Still, Harou Nakajima, who was the man in the Godzilla suit in the first film and a few more after that. He wasn't wearing the suit but people were coming up to him in their own homemade suits and he would get close to have a picture taken and would feel their costumes. Jonathan Harris as from Lost in Space was there, along with the robot. Neil Armstrong was also there.
There was a lot of stuff there. There was Matt Groening, the creator of Futurama. People dressed as Star Trek, Barbarella,Xena, and The Invisible Man. One of the comic books I recognized was Roswell, Little Green Men. They even had an event where people dressed as R2D2 and C-3PO fought guys dressed as Cylons in a cage team match. Mark Hamill was there. Dad jumped in and saved him from fans, which got him a job as a bodyguard. He went to bodyguard academy and graduated pretty quickly thanks to his military was around this time that Fat Tony came back in, he was hoping to cut a deal to get Homer mayor again but he refused. They tried to kill him during a job. Mark Hamill was playing Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls when the mob came after him. Dad thought quickly tackled one of the men and a fight broke out. He stabbed one man with a fork and subdued the two hitmen, though he took a lot of hits from a baseball bat and was shot in the stomach. This was a problem because back in the day Grampa had needed a Kidney transplant and Dad had given up one of his kidneys, now he was about to lose the other one. Guess who as the donor. Yeah it was me. I didn't even want to do it at first. Made the mistake of saying that out loud to a bunch of guys on the ship I was being kept on and gut a bunch of thousand yard states. But I manned up and went through with it. I'm still missing that kidney.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson
We ended up spending Christmas together with our neighbors. One of them Bill was acting a little crazy, dressing in drag and calling himself Lenore.
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
It took a long while but Burns's Casino was finally demolished. Almost like it was one last middle finger from the old man, the construction went wrong and the explosion was stronger than expected, going outward in a huge dust crowd. A lot of our cars were covered in dust. Dad over heard Flanders getting a senior discount. Turns out he was 60, born in 1939. Dad had met him a few times, but this started a conversation about their ages. Next thing they knew both went out to Vegas. I wasn't there but Dad didn't seem to want to talk about it until years later, where he explained the two got married while drunk, and divorced once they were sober.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson
The Springfield Isotopes,another widowed team and relic of the late , made it into the playoffs. Dad trashed the town with some of his friends. This led to a curfew in Capitol City. The Kids rebelled. They were inspired by that 1960 film The Bloodening about the psychic children and uses a hijacked radio signal to spill all the adult's secrets.
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
It was Super Bowl Time again. I made my prediction. The South Park Broncos were going to win. Dad met a travel agent named Walter Kogen and got several of his friends tickets so they jumped on a bus and head to the Super Bowl. So they went down to Miami only to find out the tickets were counterfeit. They tried sneaking in. One of the entertainers at Half Time was Dolly Parton and she knew Kogen. Then the group went into a skybox suite and started eating all the food and drink. Problem is that Skybox belonged to Rupert Murdoch. They were a large group so they made a run for it and ended up in the pocketer room of the South Park Broncos. They were arrested but you can't say it was't memorable. Heck, President Gore called and congratulated the Broncos while they were in there. Dad even got to talk to him and they spoke like old friends.
As for mom, well she was at home alone most of the time. She found an egg kit endorsed by Vincent Price and decided to use. There was a Help number attached and she decided to call it. You got an old voicemail from Vincent Price to play, which was pretty neat.
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"Dad watched a pilot episode for the show Police Cops, which featured a character named Homer Simpson. He was a total badass. Then the actual show came around and the Homer Simpson character was an incompetent idiot, apparently this was because of Dad's recent actions. He'd been seen as a hero, first because he was an astronaut and then because of revealing the aliens, and being mayor during Springfield's destruction. His most recent arrests meant they reworked his character to be an idiot. Dad protested. He tried to sue for use of his name, but they just renamed the character. I think this gave Dad an idea. His name had been dragged through the mud. He decided he would go into hiding and change his name. His new name was taken from back when he impersonated Ruth Powers's husband. He asked her if it was ok and Ruth, a fellow former criminal and much better at getting away with it, allowed it.
Homer Simpson was no more. He legally changed his name to…Max Powers.
-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson