Chapter 42
Raphael helped Lillian out of the van, both of them quiet for most of the ride, especially after he insisted she get some rest.
"I'm gonna unlock the place and start unloading the van," Raph told her as she stared at the rickety, grey house before the both of them as if she was afraid. Perhaps she needed a little space and time to adjust to the scenery.
It was late afternoon when they finally arrived at the farmhouse. The mixture of the grey clouds and the sun just beginning to set behind to house made the sky a gradient of deep purple to orange, all of which made the 3-story home look farther away but also ominous as if to taunt her in her current journey to healing. If she had known the house was so big, she might have preferred being with Raphael in that one room. How were they going to fill the house?
Her heart began to thunder against her ribcage at the thought. It was just going to be the two of them… All those rooms, all that space, all this quiet just for the two of them? What was the silence going to force them to confront? What were they going to talk about? How long were they going to stay there? Was this the right decision?
She clenched her sweaty hands, shaking when a gust of wind snuck up her back and chilled her to the bone. For a moment, it felt as if two hands grabbed a hold of her lungs and prevented air from entering. Her stomach was bubbling but with something that almost felt like fear. She was scared of this. She was scared of what was to come. She was scared of disappointing him, of annoying him, of losing him in any way. Looking out to the right of the enormous building was an old, almost dilapidated barn, and to the right of that was nothing but woods… It was definitely just the two of them, isolated, very far from any place to run to.
Taking in a cold breath of air, forcing her lungs to expand and her nerves to cease their unrelenting vibration, she pulled herself together.
Why on earth would she be so nervous? There was nothing to be nervous about! This was the time to talk, to focus on healing each other, and actually be a couple together. This was what they both wanted after all…
Maybe this wasn't a good idea, was what Raphael was telling himself. She looked like a lost child, frightened and small. After everything that has happened to the two of them, maybe the right thing was to force her to leave-
He shook his head. If he left her one more time it would have definitely been the very last time. She only had so much forgiveness and though she forgave him quickly for leaving the first time, he still felt unsatisfied with making up for that decision he made all those years ago that was now starting to feel like a stupid decision. He placed the key in the lock and pull the battered screen door open before he pushed the front door open, revealing a dark home with nothing but old memories and even older furniture. As far as he could see, they both had a lot of cleaning to do.
He looked back at Lillian, who has hugging herself as the wind seemingly attacked her at every turn. It was almost like she was forcing herself to look anywhere except in his direction like she was afraid to. He sighed, realizing that it was this bumpy, awkwardness that he was afraid of. Maybe she was as well… Throughout their entire time of knowing each other, nothing was ever awkward, even the awkward conversations or silences had a safeness to them with her. Everything felt so easy when it came to her, why was he on the verge of puking?
Lilly opened the back of the van and upon seeing a box that she didn't recognize and looked out of place with all the other luggage. She decided to be nosy and look through it. It was meditation books, books about stress and anger management things she knew Raphael would never use let alone read. Stuck in between books was a picture frame with an aged picture of Splinter and very young turtles surrounding him. Lilly gasped, clutching her chest at the sight.
"Look how young you are." She said softly, feeling Raphael's presence behind her. "How adorable…"
Raphael looked over her just to see the picture of his family. He chuckled, no wonder why Leonardo was smiling. "Oh, I was like 7 or 8. That's when Splinter started training us." She handed him the picture. "Why would Leo give this to me? That's the last picture of all of us at the lair."
Her eyes watched him smile down at the picture. He looked so happy for a split second, it made her chest fuzzy seeing him with that tiny smile and watching the memories through his eyes. It wasn't until he looked at her that she looked away, back at the box. She sighed, "Leo really wants you to focus on your anger." A small green object at the bottom of the box caught her eye, it was a T-phone. When she took it out of the box, it looked to be old, all scratched up and chipped. "An old T-phone?"
Raphael blinked at the familiarity of the small device. "This was one of Donnie's old designs. He thought the shell design was outdated a couple of years ago."
She pressed and held the home button, the screen quickly gleamed white. Soon after the home picture popped on, causing Lilly to almost drop the phone. It was her. Her and Raphael. She was grasping his smiling face, squeezing his cheeks as she kissed his temple. She remembered taking this picture… They were just kids at the time.
"Now I remember," Raphael reached to grab the phone quickly. "When we broke up, I gave my old phone to Donnie because I couldn't…" his sentence died when he clicked on the photo album instead.
Pictures upon pictures of Lillian, he hated his picture taken but when she was in it, it always made clicking the button so much easier. Occasionally, one of his brothers or Casey would pop up but when he was young, he had an obsession with photographing Lillian. Pictures of her sleeping, her cooking, cleaning, memories of her that he just wanted to stay in, stop time, and just be in that moment.
"I, for some reason, thought if I deleted the pictures," he looked at her, she was hanging on every word, her gold eyes wide with curiosity. "Then you'd go too. But this was before you got shot and had to leave New York."
Lilly placed her hand on his wrist and brought the phone back just to see him click on a photo of baby Tony. She gasped, "My little baby, look at him. You loved him at that size."
"Love the guy now, what are you talking about?" He chuckled, swiping to the next photo.
Lillian felt heat rise to her face at the sight of a younger version of herself in a very sensual position. She pressed the home button and clicked off the phone, "Alright well, that's enough of that." She scoffed, handing the phone back to Raphael.
Raph smiled at the blush on her cheeks, fighting the urge to smother her in kisses. "I wonder why Donnie gave this to Leo. Or why Leo gave me this…"
Lillian shrugged, "Maybe he thought it'd be something nice to have." She moved to pick up a case of water.
Raphael's eyes widened when she attempted to pick up the case but failed, he quickly dropped the phone back into the box before taking a hold of the case. "What are you doing? I'm not letting you carry anything."
"What do you think I'm going to do? Sit and watch?" She asked him.
"No, I want you to go in the house and look around. Pick a room because there's like three and clean it." He said, easily picking up the case. "Our first task will most likely be cleaning the entire place but we can just start with the room we're staying in."
"You're asking me to clean?" She scoffed.
"No, I'm ordering you." He leaned in close to her face. "Pick a room and start cleaning before it gets dark." He gave her forehead a quick kiss before walking away. "I'll be in to help you once I'm done!"
She huffed stubbornly as she watched him enter the house. Her eyes moved back inside the box and to the phone, he just dumped there. She clicked it on once more, sighing at the background picture of her kissing Raphael's scrunched-up face. That memory of him lying beside her and just pulling out his phone to take a picture of the both of them there was one she hadn't even realized she remembered. She clutched the phone to her chest.
God, how much she had loved him as a child and how much she still loved him now. It was almost painful to think of everything he had gone through for her, just to be with her… She was so close to seeing him be a father.
Entering the house, still clutching the phone to her chest, she could see that everywhere she looked had a thick layer of dust as well as smell the must of the old wood of the house. The place was even bigger from the inside, it was almost scary. The floorboards creaked against her feet as she moved up the stairs. There was 1 master bedroom and 2 rooms, like Raphael said, and one full bathroom. She went from room to room and ended up settling for the one with the big windows peering out towards the woods and the barn, not only that but it had a walk-in bathroom and a small closet.
She stared at the bed. A king-sized bed. This is where they were supposed to sleep together. Be together… She felt silly thinking that maybe Raphael…didn't want her physically anymore. Whenever they'd be close to having sex, even before he knew she was pregnant, he would always stop. It used to be that he didn't want to rush when they began again, then his reason was that she was pregnant and now when he kisses her so passionately, he always stops before it gets too hot and heavy.
Lillian had always been ready and willing. How could she not, he was the love of her life! She'd never be afraid to be intimate with him. It was always him…maybe he just-
"Babe?" His voice suddenly filled the room.
She snapped herself awake from her thoughts, her eyes shifting from the bed to him standing in the doorway. She blinked at the sight of him. How long had she been in thought?
"You okay?" He asked, a nervous smile on his face. He immediately noticed her clutching the old T-phone to her chest, but decided to ignore it. "You chose the master bedroom. It has a big bathtub. Ready to clean it?"
She cleared her throat, "Oh, y-yeah…"
By the time they were done cleaning every single spec of dust in that room, every spider web, every dust bunny swept away, the sun had set completely. The only thing providing them with light was the buzzing light from the old lamp on the nightstand beside the bed and the pearl light of the moon peeking in from the big windows.
Lillian yanked the thick comforter off from the bed to the floor. She clapped the dust from her hands. "I'll wash that tomorrow. It's gonna be chilly tonight though."
He nodded, wiping the small beads of sweat from his brow. "I'm gonna get started on the room next door."
Lillian pointed at the window, "It's dark out. You want to clean the whole house tonight?"
"No, I just…" he scratched the back of his head, as if embarrassed. "I thought now that there is more than one room, you'd want…your space."
She straightened, her heart heavy in her stomach. Maybe she was right. He didn't want to sleep with her at all now. "Oh, I…did you not want to..."
"I do!" He answered quickly. "I just thought, for some reason, you'd want some space." There was a moment of silence that felt heavy on both of them. "I just want to-"
"Did you not want to sleep with me?" She suddenly blurted before her mind had time to process if she even wanted to talk about everything at that moment.
"Of course I do, I just want to give you space to process-"
"Don't play stupid with me, Raphael. You know what I meant." His silence made her angrier. "Do you want to fuck me?"
Raphael's eyes widened, that was not what he thought she meant. Sex was not on his mind at all!
That was a lie.
But after the long drive, the heavy lifting, and the cleaning of just this one-bedroom, he was tired. "Now?" He asked.
Lillian chuckled in frustration. He either was playing dumb to get on her nerves or he was dumb. She shook her head, maybe he wanted her to say it. "Is it because of the baby? It is…" she stopped when his facial expression changed from shock to anger so quickly.
Raphael let out a breath, "Christ, Lil' are we really about to fight over the fact we haven't had sex?"
She ran her hands nervously through her hair, her eyes prickling with tears. "What is it? Is it me?"
He shook his head, "No, Lillian."
"Because every time we're close you stop-"
"Ever think I'm trying to be nice?" He spat. "Jesus, Mike is mad 'cause he thinks I forced you and you're mad 'cause I haven't. I seriously can't win."
Lillian wiped her eyes and swallowed any more tears, suddenly feeling ridiculous. Why was she crying? "I would've told you to stop if I didn't want to."
He did not want to talk about this. "Alright, listen, this is not that serious."
Lilly crossed her arms over her chest. "It is to me. You didn't want to rush into anything before the baby, then after you found out I was pregnant your reason was the baby, now-"
Raphael scoffed, covering his face with his hands. "Jesus, Lil'…!" He really didn't want to argue or talk about anything now. "Did you ever think maybe I don't want to do anything? Maybe I'm not in the mood or maybe I'm tired or maybe I want you to process everything that's happened to you." What did she think he was some sort of sex-crazed animal? Although nothing was wrong with his…libido, after everything that has happened the past weeks, was it so hard to believe that he was just not in the mood? Was he not allowed to be?
Lilly rolled her eyes, "I processed it!"
"Oh, you did?"
"Yes, I did."
"Oh, really? Then why are we here?" Raphael took a step towards her. "Why haven't you talked about it all?"
"I have! With you!"
"No. You've talked about your heartbreak, not the baby."
"I have talked about the baby."
Raphael stopped himself to just wonder if he'd been transported to a different dimension and somehow they had a conversation on how big of a loss the baby was and how it affected both of them. "Okay, when? When did we talk about how distant you've been since you lost it? When did we talk about how you felt or feel about losing a freaking kid, Lil'? Our kid?"
Lillian was truly caught off guard by this, her tears quickly returning at the amount of emotion heard in Raphael's voice. "It's not as easy as you make it seem, Raph. It's…complicated."
He pressed two palms into his eyes, "I get that it's not easy, but even with me?"
"Especially with you." She snapped. Her face darkened as a single tear fell from her eye.
Her heartbroken demeanor changed so rapidly to anger that radiated like heat. For a while, Raphael was just watching her. There was something she was stopping herself from telling him. Why? He had no clue but whatever it was it was weighing on her shoulders. "Why? Why with me?" He straightens at a thought in his mind. "Because I broke up with you?"
Lilly scoffed, wiping her cheeks. "No,"
"Then why haven't you talked to me about it all. Is it the other guy?"
She rolled her eyes, "I don't want to talk about this."
"Well, you brought it up."
Lillian took one deep breath to regain control over her emotions, "I brought up the fact that you've been so hesitant to even touch me."
"And I told you the reason! Because you've been distant and clearly you haven't processed it all and I want to know why you're like that with me?"
"Because it's-" she stopped herself.
"What, Lilly?" He usually wouldn't push if she didn't want to talk, but if they were going to call each other husband and wife and make this relationship work, then she was going to have to tell him what was wrong. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"Because! It's fucking complicated and now that we're here, just the two of us, alone, I'm scared that you'll…" The panic began to bubble in her chest. She was antsy, uncomfortable, and immensely afraid. Her mind kept telling her that he'd leave if he knew how she really felt. Was it true? Of course not! She knew he wouldn't but the fear was so profound she was too scared to take the chance. She covered her mouth with her fingers to stifle the sob that escaped. "I can't…!"
"Lilly," he sighed, walking up to her. When his big hands reached to touch her, she fought against him at first. Then, he touched her cheek, gently cupping her face and wiping away her tears away with his thumb. She could help but lean into his touch and cry. "Babe, you can tell me anything. Look at me," She couldn't. "Look at me." She shook her head and pushed him.
"No, Raph! You don't get it. You'll never get it."
Desperately, he grabbed her hands. "Try me." He growled through gritted teeth.
Lilly felt her lips almost begin to form the words, but a lump formed in her throat. She shook her head frantically, repeating over and over again that she couldn't. Her knees turned to jelly, giving out beneath her. The only thing keeping her from collapsing on the ground was the tight grip Raphael had on her wrists. "I…I can't…"
Gently, Raphael let her fall to her knees then once he got low enough himself, he let go of her wrists so he could have her fall into his arms instead. Once he regain his footing, he wrapped an arm around her legs and back, then carried her up and back over to the bed. When he went to set her down, her arms wrapped around his neck and practically cut off his air supply. He held her, his gut turning in his stomach at how much she was trembling. What was it that she was this scared to talk about?
It took him five minutes to finally calm her down before her sobbing led to her hyperventilating. He laid her back onto the bed, feeling relieved when she loosened her grip on him and relaxed into the mattress. Her hands frantically touched his face, almost as if she were checking to see if he was really there. He just let her, his eyes watching her expression as she began to calm down, index finger drawing small circles on her temple. She looked so tired...
He shushed her softly after a while of her trying to regain control over her rapid breathing. "Lil', I am just trying to help you like you've always helped me." Her grip loosened even more. "It was always you that I went to when I had problems. Remember? When I was fighting with the guys, or arguing with Sensei, I came to tell you about it afterward. Only you."
She opened her mouth to talk but he stopped her.
"You can always talk to me." He said softly, yet sternly. His serious stare caught her off guard, his eyes were bright when he looked at her. "If we're gonna do this married life thing, you have to know nothing you say will ever change the way I feel about you." Raphael slowly leaned in to place a soft kiss on her forehead.
She finally felt somewhat relaxed and calmed again, not completely but still. It was only when he pulled away to leave did panic once again tug on her heart. "Where are you going?" She whimpered, her hands grabbing his forearm. "Don't leave…"
He furrowed his brow at her reaction, she was begging him to stay? She never begged. Not like this.
"Please…" she whispered.
He shook his head, "I'm going to bring up your suitcase, babe. I'm just going to get you some pajamas and then we can rest."
"Together?"
He frowned but nodded. It was what she wanted. He cupped her cheek, "Yeah, babe…"
While downstairs, he pulled out his phone and headed out of the house so she wouldn't hear him.
"Hey Leo, we're here."
"Oh finally, I thought you were never going to call." He exclaimed.
He rolled his eyes, slowly walking over to rest his elbow on the handrail of the porch.
"How long have you been there?"
Raphael sighed, "I don't know...a couple hours. We've been cleaning a lot."
"Cleaning? How is that going?"
"I mean, it was fine up until..." he sighed heavily. "I don't know, man."
"Have you guys talked about...anything?"
"Not really."
"Well... She's always been the type of person that keeps to themselves."
He shook his head, "Not towards me. She's never been the way she is with me. She's just..." he had to fight the groan of frustration that bubbled in his throat.
"This trip is about the both of you. You guys just got back together and have already suffered so much." Leonardo comforted softly. "You both have gone through something traumatic."
"I get it but…what if we don't make it because of that? What if there are just some things we can't do?"
"Like what?" When Raphael was silent, Leo sighed, "Just talk to each other and go slow. Healing isn't going to happen overnight. Start from the beginning. Give her the space she needs and eventually, she'll come back to you. That's how it's always been. She always goes back to you."
He felt the corners of his mouth twitch into a small proud smile. "I guess...".
"You'll see. Call me if you need anything and we'll drive up there." Raphael could hear the faint voice of a woman in the background, and it definitely did not sound like April.
He smirked, "Alright Leo, enjoy your date."
"I-" Leonardo stuttered before scoffing. "Excuse me? How do you- never mind. Goodbye Raphael."
"Bye," he laughed.
Teasing him was fun and all, but he was absolutely no help. Talk? No shit that was something they had to do. Space? Well, he tried that and she practically had a freaking panic attack. What the hell was he going to do? What was it that made her so afraid to even let go of him? He didn't think a bad day was going to happen on the first day. Why was she so upset about not having sex? Was that what she was expecting to happen? Was that what she was subjected to with Luis, even on her bad days he'd still…
Raphael clenched his fists. This was exactly as Leonardo said. They both had to start from the beginning. Before they made up for lost time, they had to get to know each other once again. He had to know how much she was subjected to. After everything Lillian has gone through, and everything she was going through, Raphael couldn't just jump to snap at her. He couldn't get mad.
He set her bags right next to her side of the bed. She was curled up in a ball with her back facing him, clutching the old phone to her chest while she shook. She must have been cold.
"Lil'…" he said softly, reaching over to touch her back.
Lillian jumped at his touch, slowly turning to face him. His hand gently grazed the side of her face. She sat up from the bed, "Are you mad at me?" She asked, reaching over to look inside the bag for an oversized shirt she used to sleep in.
He sat next to her, "Not at you." he told her truthfully, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm upset you're going through so much. That's all."
She frowned, taking off her shirt and tossing it to the ground. "Do you remember…" She tugged the big purple pajama shirt over her head, unclasping her bra underneath the shirt then yanking that off and throwing it to the ground before shoving her arms through the shirt. Using the hair tie she had on her wrist she tied her hair up in a messy bun. "...When we broke up, your reason was a child. Something you wanted and something you wanted to see if I'd want later down the road." She had to be brave, the words were barely coming out of my mouth.
He rubbed his forehead at that faint memory, "Kinda…we said a lot that day."
She brought her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knee. "It's hard to talk about this child and how I feel because you know I never wanted one." She took in a deep breath, holding out her hand to him. He took it without hesitation. "I'm so afraid…" her voice broke. "I'm so afraid you'll leave if I tell you..."
He narrowed his eyes at this, twisting his body to face her, his hand squeezed hers. "Lilly, nothing you could ever say or do could make me leave your side again. Nothing."
She wiped her eyes with the collar of her dress, "I just feel like such a bad person." She whispered. "I just…"
Raphael waited and said nothing. Nothing she could ever say could change his feelings about her. Nothing she could ever do that he hadn't already forgiven her for. Absolutely nothing. He waited for her explanation patiently, just waited for her to work up enough courage to tell him. He gently held her hand, his thumb caressing her bandaged knuckles.
She swallowed hard, her mouth felt so dry. "Losing the baby…" she squeezed his hand so hard as if she were in pain. "I wasn't…it didn't…" she shook her head. "I'm sorry, it's just…"
"Take your time, babe." He comforted, scooting closer to her. "I'm not going anywhere."
She brought his hand up to her cheek, just holding it in place to see if it gave her courage. "Losing the baby didn't hurt as much as losing the opportunity of seeing you become a father. I feel like I took-"
"What?" He said breathlessly. Her words didn't really sink in at first. It almost sounded like she was about to…apologize to him.
"I feel bad because this could have been your chance. And I-"
Raphael pulled away from her but never left her side. "Lillian, you're more upset at me not being a dad than you are about losing the baby?"
When he pulled his hand away, she felt her heart break. It was happening, her fear was coming true. Why did she open her mouth? She ruined it. She ruined everything. "I'm sorry. I know that makes me-"
"Stop, don't apologize. I'm just…I don't know what to do with that information." He rubbed his head and sighed. "You didn't feel anything for the child? At all?"
She shook her head slowly, wiping the tears off her chin. "If I say no, that'd be a lie." She hugged her knees and shivered. "I did. But when I lost it there was a small sense of relief because I didn't want a child in the first place. Luis, he lied to me, that how I got pregnant. It was a lie. This child had his blood and I wasn't even sure I wanted to marry him!" She tucked strands of hair that fell from her bun behind her ear. "I was going to end the pregnancy and then…we started…dating and I felt less alone. And I remembered you said wanted a child so-"
"You were going to have the baby because of me?" He clarified, at a loss for words when she nodded. For him? Have a child just for him? Not because she wanted to be a mother, but because of a comment he didn't even remember making so long ago? This was insane! This was something hard to wrap his head around. He kept blinking, his mind going a hundred miles a minute. Why would she do that to herself, her body going through so much stress, her sanity declining for all her world to see… That's why she was apologizing.
He was quiet for so long that she began to feel the overwhelming dread fizz in her chest. She shifted her seating, tucking her legs underneath herself. "I know. I know what that makes me. It makes me no better than my own mother when I was in High School. It makes me horrible and selfish because I was treating that life like…some sort of pet. I just thought-"
"You thought it'd be fine with me in the picture." He finished for her. She nodded. Why would she do that for him? "Lil', how could you do that?"
"I'm sorry, I know. I'm sorry." She kept saying, wanting to grab his hand and beg for forgiveness but she knew she didn't deserve it.
She kept talking, but he was still trying to wrap his mind around her explanation, her reasoning—it was him. Yeah, being a father would've been a dream, but it always was. He was used to that. He just got her back! He still wasn't done making up for breaking her heart when they were kids, and here she was, willing to put herself through hell just to fulfill some stupid dream he had. She kept talking and talking and apologizing and each word sounded venomous. Like she was opening a cut that had healed and pouring salt into it. Apologize? To him? For sacrificing everything…
"Look, I know this is a lot." She actually had no idea. "And if you want to leave for a while and go for a walk, that's okay. I just…" she shut her eyes. "I want you to come back to me."
"Come back to you?" Her words confused him. She was the one who came back to him. "I'm not going anywhere, I told you that." He breathed, standing from the bed. "But maybe a walk…would help. I just…" he shook his head. "I gotta think about things."
"I'm really so-"
"Stop. I've heard enough of that word today. Just give me a minute. Kay?" He asked, before walking out of the room.
Lillian was left there, alone.
Raphael walked around for a while, wondering if the cool night air was going to help him process just what was going on. In his mind, the image of the girl he broke up with when they were young teens was now being shattered before his very eyes. Every shard an old thought he had of her, this sweet, kind girl who would give the shirt off her back for anyone. This girl would've sacrificed her choice to become a mother by staying with him and every girl's dream was to become a mother, right? Eventually, she'd want to be a mother and hold that against him. She would've missed out so much and would've resented him for it.
His mind was trying to wrap itself around the idea that maybe, all his assumptions about her were completely wrong. Even when she was pregnant, the child was not her priority. It was him… Her reasoning for keeping the child morphed into some sort of charity work for him. No, it was worse than charity. It was sincere. Lillian wanted him to be happy even after everything he put her through. Why was that hitting him hard? Why was knowing that hurting him? Of course, he knew that! She loved him… But the idea of her that he had in his mind was disappearing and he didn't know what to feel.
He broke up with her because he knew she had to be a mother. She was the only person that could turn him into this soft, sympathetic being that thinks before he acts and if she could easily do that to him... That effect she had on him, she had with everyone. Everyone that she comes into contact with changes for the better. That's why he was so in love with her, that's why he fell in love with her so long ago. This love, this effect, it had to be shared with others, a child…she would've been such a great mother…
But he believed her, for the first time, he finally believed her. This image he had of her was changing, she was still this sweet young woman he fell in love with but…that was just part of her. She was now this woman who knows what she wants, who knows who she wants, who has been through so much but without a second thought will go through just as much for the ones she loves.
Of course, she was strong, of course, she was kind, of course, she knew exactly what she wanted in her life. Why would he doubt that? How many times did she tell him? And he just broke up with her because he thought…he was so sure she'd regret being with only him. God, what an idiot he was! How dare he? How dare he put her in a box so small! She was destined to be more than just what he thought. She deserved better, that's for damned sure. But she wanted him. Who the hell was he to deny her?
He walked around the farm, then into the woods until he hit a small stream of water. There, he didn't know what else to do but sit and meditate. He was so angry, so pissed off, that he felt dangerously calm. He meditated for about an hour, wondering if his father would somehow pop into his head and tell him if he was going on the right path or something like that. He just wanted…help from someone familiar.
When he felt like he knew what he was going to say to her, he got up and walked back home. The house was just as cold inside as it was outside, she must be freezing. He swiftly made his way upstairs and into the room.
Lilly was huddled in the middle of the bed in the fetal position, her eyes shut and her breathing steady. He watched her for a moment, his heart aching in his chest at the sight of her. She looked so small, so frail and tired, he didn't have the heart to wake her and continue such a heavy conversation.
As soon as he touched the bed though, she shot up, wide awake, grabbing a hold of his hand. Her eyes were wide yet swollen from the tears as if she never stopped crying. When she touched his skin, she gasped at just how cold he felt. "You're so cold, I-"
He gently placed a hand on her hip, scooting her over a bit so he could comfortably lay next to her and gather her in his arms. He sighed at her warmth, "I'm sorry, Lillian." He muttered.
Lilly didn't know what he was apologizing for, but she was so frozen by his words that she didn't move. She just stared up at him, horrified.
Raphael didn't look at her at first, how could he? "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everything. I'm mad because you only think of me and you were willing to put yourself through hell just for me. I'm mad that we lost the baby…" he took a deep breath, finally being able to look her in the eyes. The more he talked, the more horrified Lillian looked. "I'm mad because I didn't believe you as kids when you said you didn't want a kid. I'm mad because I didn't believe you… I broke your heart because I didn't believe you."
Lillian blinked, a tear rolling down her cheek. She reached up to touch his cold face, he grabbed her wrist and held it there. "You're apologizing for that now?"
"If I hadn't broken your heart-"
"Please, don't put any of this on your shoulders. None of it was your fault." She whimpered.
"I know but…" he leaned into her warm touch. "It has to be someone's fault."
Lilly shook her head but understood what he meant. It was so much easier to blame someone or something than to just say shit happens. "Not yours, my love. Not-"
"Then who? Because I started this. I broke your heart because of some stupid fucking reason because I thought…because I thought-"
Lilly shushed him, "Raph, I'm the one who's selfish."
"You are not selfish because you want something different. I put you in that box and I don't know why but I did." He took in a big breath that trembled for a moment. Lilly wiggled her arms up and around Raphael's neck, holding him close and finding so much comfort in how tight his arms held her.
This was the exact opposite of what she thought would happen. She was so afraid to lose him again after finding out just how selfish she actually was that this reaction after being on a walk and her being left alone with nothing but her thoughts and fears, she was expecting him to yell at her and drive off. But he came back and apologized… For what? For assuming she wanted to be a mother? For breaking up with her? Meanwhile, she was still waiting for him to come to his senses and push her away but he never did.
Now she just wanted to sleep like this.
She pressed her lips against his cheek, "Let's just go to sleep. We can finish this another time."
"There is just one thing I want you to know, first." He told her softly, his hand tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "No matter what we always come back to each other, right?" He pressed his forehead to hers, "It's just how it's always been."
She felt tears prickle her eyes, "Yeah…"
"Don't doubt that ever. Nothing you could ever do or say would stop me from coming back."
She smiled sadly, "Okay…"
Lillian shivered, pulling her knees to her chest at the cool air that surrounded her. The sun-filled the room with light, but still, it felt like she didn't get any sleep. Instead of covering her head with the pillow to try and quiet the chainsaw that was sleeping next to her, she turned and just watched Raphael sleep with a soft smile on her face. Her movement caused him to stir, which quieted his snoring for a moment. Lillian reached over, resting her hand on his plastron, his words from the night before ringing in her ears like a lullaby.
Nothing was solved the other day. In fact, she had a feeling things weren't going to be solved for a while. To her, it still felt like there was an unaddressed elephant in the room. They had a lot of work to do involving both them and their relationship. They had a lot of work to do for themselves individually. It felt a little scary to think they now considered themselves married yet had so much repairing to do. She was scared, but she wasn't alone. That was enough, he was enough…
Raphael lifted his hand to grab hers.
Lillian smiled, "You snore like a chainsaw."
Raphael never opened his eyes, "And you snore like a cat." He mumbled.
She raised an eyebrow in amusement, "Cat?"
"It's like a purr."
She hummed, scooting closer to him and pressing her face against his bicep.
He finally opened his eyes, moving only his head to look at her. He squeezed her hand just to double-check that she was really here and not a hallucination. When she looked up at him, he smiled. "Morning..."
She grabbed a hold of his arm, lifting it up and wrapping it around her then she scooted close and rested her head on his chest. "How'd you sleep?"
"Fine. You?"
"I was a little cold, but okay."
He stretched the sleep from his muscles, "Looks like it's going to be another day of cleaning." He grounded out before yawning. "It's just a fucking pain 'cause the dryer is broken so we'll have to set up the clotheslines somewhere."
Lillian pushed herself off of his chest, just looking down at him with the same admiration in her eyes as was in his whenever he looked at her. "We can do it." She told him softly, her heart swelling with so much gratitude for him.
She cupped his cheek, leaning forward, and gave him a kiss. It was an innocent, gentle gesture of her love for him. She knew he'd want to wait and that had nothing to do with her not being enough for him and had everything to do with him just wanting to wait. That was okay.
But this kiss felt like a sip of water after being deprived of that for so long.
She blinked at her body's reaction to the small kiss. He seemed confused at her expression but before he could ask, she leaned in and gave him another kiss, this time her lips were parted just enough for her tongue to dart out and run across his bottom lip. When she pulled away to see his reaction, he followed her, seemingly feeling the same longing she was feeling. He let out a low, guttural moan in his throat and reached up to entangle his hand in her hair, her bun extremely loose after sleeping in it, pushing her back to kiss him.
She smiled against his mouth, the hand cupping his cheek then squeezing his face just enough to get him to pull away from her. She looked at the annoyed expression on his face, chuckling softly. "I love you."
Raphael swallowed another soft growl in his throat, pulling her hand away from his face. All the blood rushed from his head to his tail at her little declaration. He moved to push her back onto the bed so that he'd hover over her. Breathing slowly in an attempt to control his emotions, he kissed her passionately, his hands grabbing hers and placing them over her head before he realized that may have been too much and quickly let go.
Lillian giggled as he moved over her, letting him grab and pin her hands above her head for a moment before they went to his shoulders. She went to cup his face again, their lips moving with each other slowly. There was a shift in the room when she parted her lips and moaned softly as his tongue touched hers. Raphael moved to spread her legs so that he could comfortably rest in between them and with a strong hand snaked it under her body to lift her hips off of the bed. Lillian let out a soft gasp, his strength catching her off guard but her heart pumped so much adrenaline it did nothing but excite her.
His eyes fluttered open, finding her staring back at him through half-lidded eyes. Her stare showed no signs of nervousness, no hesitation nor fear, just admiration, and deep affection stared back at him. He pulled away from her mouth, swallowing a pathetic whimper that threatened to escape his throat, "I think we should stop..."
Lillian shook her head, quickly taking his face into her hands. "I'm okay."
He frowned, "I don't know, Lil'."
She ran her thumbs across his cheek, and he let her pull him close enough to place a feather-like kiss on his lips. "I've missed you" she whispered against his mouth.
He couldn't stop himself from groaning, quickly feeling himself losing control, "Lillian..." he warned.
She smiled, "I'm not scared. I promise. I want you."
It still didn't feel right...but he let out a breath in defeat. She continued her pleas, clinging to his arms and frantically kissing his face. Why was he fighting so much? Almost like he was afraid... His hands were shaking as they ran along her smooth legs, his heart was hammering in his head. Her kisses were desperate like she needed to taste him, she wanted to breathe him, her tongue moved along with his and he could help but lean into her, deepening the kiss.
There was still hesitation in his gut that was keeping him grounded in reality. If she continued kissing him like that, he wouldn't be able to fight much longer. He pulled away from her again, taking another deep breath to stop his body from shaking. "Are you sure you-"
Lillian noticed his trembling hands. She quickly took both of them into hers, trying her best to lace her fingers with his. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life, Raph." She pushed herself up slightly, grabbing a hold of his wrists. "From the moment we got back together, I've wanted you. I've never been hosting because…" She shrugged her shoulders, "It's you."
Raphael looked down at her hands as they traveled up to massage his forearms, an overwhelming feeling fluttered in his chest. "Lil..." He said breathlessly.
Lillian reached to touch his chin, "Look at me," she ordered softly, lifting his face. "I want to if you want to."
That was all he really needed...
Not saying another word, he leaned forward and kissed her, transferring the hurt of being apart for so long, the grief from losing a child, the never-ending admiration for her into an intense, hungry kiss. When she matched his passion, desperately clinging to him as he literally took her breath away, he felt a painful lump form in his throat.
He pressed her pelvis against his, lifting her hips off of the bed to feel around the waistband of her underwear to try and take them off quickly. When he took too long to slip it nicely off her body, he let out a small groan of frustration, found the hem then gently ripped the fabric from her body, tossing them to the side.
Lillian let out a gasp against his mouth at his action, thinking to herself that there was no other way to take them off. She felt completely helpless at his strength, it made her want to faint. Her mind was finding ways to prevent her from hyperventilating into his kiss, she just felt so overwhelmed with happiness. She let her head fall back, her voice low and soft when she hummed at his tongue tracing its way down her neck, her body burning with desire. There was that familiar pain of anticipation aching between her legs as he gently grazed his teeth against her pulse.
He watched his woman with pride, smiling at how much she was reacting to how little he was doing. When he pulled the collar of her shirt enough to kiss the beginning of her collarbone, Lillian pushed him away for a moment. "Wait," she panted. "Don't rip this shirt, I like this shirt."
He smirked and helped her lift the shirt over her head, exposing her breasts to him. He stopped for a moment just to look at her body, comparing what he was seeing to what he remembered. Lillian looked different... As a young teen, he remembered her figure was much fuller. The curve of her hips used to beautifully connect with the curve of her stomach. Now, it seemed like her hip bone protruded out, her stomach curved inwards, her skin was tanner than he remembered it to be, and when she'd arch her back and take in a deep breath, her ribs would poke out slightly from underneath her breasts. Raphael let out a sigh, her body always reflected her mental health and he silently swore he'd help her get better.
Above all else, she was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. The way she bit the tip of her finger to hide a cheeky smile, the way her body moved like a wave when she breathed, the way her face looked with her eyes bright with desire, half-lidded, and her cheeks all flushed. He was causing this. This was all his doing.
Using his knees to nudge her legs further apart, he sighed in relief as he unsheathed his hardened member for the first time in a long time. A small sense of shame bubbled in his chest when his hand went to stroke himself just for a moment to alleviate the ache. Lillian's jaw dropped slightly and for a split second, he was scared he had creeped her out until she pulled her hand away from her mouth to grab his free hand and place his fingers to her core. She wanted him to feel how much she needed him as well as wanted him to relive the ache she was feeling for him.
His dark forest green eyes watched her, searching for any sign of discomfort and at the same time taking every bit of her in like she was a masterpiece. His stare made her want to cower and hide her face but instead, she fought against that feeling and let her desire flourish before him. Raphael chuckled darkly at the way her hips bucked against his fingers, he just let her move against him. The fact at she was already so wet, so desperate for relief, so desperate for him in such a short amount of time could, embarrassingly, be the thing to send him over the edge. He stopped touching himself for that reason alone.
Lillian was in shock at how much her body was reacting to him; shocked at how much it hurt to be teased and how wet she had become in such little time. He always knew how to touch her. It was one of the things she'd fantasized about on cold nights. Now that he was touching her for real and it wasn't just a fantasy, it made her want to cry. She was excited to see if the way he made love changed; if his confidence grew, if he learned anything new if he'd show her.
Raphael just continued to watch her, in awe at her movements, the small sighs, and moans, the complete and content vulnerability she showed him. When they almost had their little reunion before all the mess, Lillian wanted to go fast—she wanted to just be irresponsible and not think of the consequences. Now, he wanted to enjoy every second.
In a final act to show him just how ready she was for him, she pulled his fingers away from her core, brought them up to her face, and placed one of his digits in her mouth.
Raphael's jaw fell open in awe, the warm velvet of her tongue sent electricity down his spine. "Holy shit," he choked, "I'm gonna come just looking at you."
She giggled, pulling him down for a kiss, letting out a tiny whimper when she felt the tip of his cock touch her entrance. When she began to roll her hip along his tip, he churred deep into her mouth in response. The vibrations of his voice in her throat made her groan, pulling away from his deep kiss to breathe before she passed out. "God, I missed that sound."
She hooked her feet around the back of his thighs to pull herself down and take in the tip of his cock, his hands went to her hips to stop her from moving before this all ended way too quickly. He couldn't help but feel so embarrassed! He definitely wasn't going to last long. He was doing everything he could to calm himself but she was driving him crazy. Her words, her touch, her smell, it was so wonderfully smothering. And he was so excited to do this again with her. "Fuck, Lil…" he breathed into her hair.
"Stop teasing me," she laughed, bringing her knees up almost to her chest. Her hands clasped behind his head, bringing him forward for another deep kiss.
He placed both of his forearms beside her head, shifting onto them so he wouldn't crush her as he gently lowered his hips to hers. One of her hands went to his shoulder, her lips pulled away from his, and were suddenly pressed into a straight frown. He watched her carefully, pausing any movement as much as he could until he knew for sure she was comfortable. Her eyes slowly fluttered open, gold gazed into green for what seemed like an eternity. Instead of saying anything, she brought his face back down to hers and claimed his lips in for a passionate kiss.
Absentmindedly, he began to move his hips painfully slow so her body could get used to him after everything it had been through. He watched her when she broke the kiss again, this time her eyes locked with his filled with nothing but love and lust. To this, he sped up his movements.
One arm wrapped itself around his neck while the other reached back to grab the headboard, hanging on for dear life as he sped up his movements. There were some small jolts of pain at first, but surprisingly it fueled her desire for him. She wanted him and everything he had to offer. She wanted her mind numb with pleasure to forget all the ugly of everything. She yearned for him so bad that it didn't take long for her to reach her euphoric peak. She arched beneath him, legs tightened around his waist, her body stiffened more and more until she was trembling against him with every move he made, her loud whimpers and mewling were hot on his skin when she buried her face into his neck.
For a moment, he was stunned, distracted by his pride at how quickly she had climaxed. When she rolled her head back, he leaned in to gently graze his teeth against her pulse. That's when everything hit him all at once, her smell, her taste, the softness of her skin on his cheek, the feeling of her so tightly around him, it was all so fucking good.
He couldn't stop from quickening his thrusts, from just losing himself in her, from trying to get as much pleasure as he could. It was when she placed a hand on his head, pressing her lips on the side of his head, and beautifully moaning his name that he lost all his senses. He grabbed ahold of her face as gently as he could, quickly capturing her mouth with his so she could swallow the pathetic moan that escaped his throat as his orgasm tore through him. His thrusting slowly came to a halt once the aftershocks ceased. He never pulled away from Lillian. They lost themselves in their kisses, their tongues lazily probing each other's mouths the energy seemingly drained completely from their bodies.
Though it had been a while since the last time Raphael had sex and had been even longer since he had sex with Lillian, he didn't remember it being this exhausting and intense. He remembered always being overwhelmed with emotions as a young boy after every time they had sex. But this time, it was almost too intense...
Should he apologize for not being able to last long? Was it even his fault? He knew he was in shape, but for some reason, he just couldn't last as long as he wanted to. Maybe it had been too long..
Shifting his weight back to both arms, he was the first to break the kiss, feeling almost terrified to open his eyes and find out this was some cruel dream. "God, Lil', that was…" he slowly opened his eyes, finding Lillian wiping her tears away before covering her face, softly sobbing. He quickly jumped up and swiftly pulled out of her, placing a hand on her stomach while he just stared at her horrified. "Oh Jesus, babe, I didn't-"
"No," she stopped him, finding some way to toughen her voice enough. "I'm sorry, it's just been so long since we've been together." She pulled her hands away from her face, revealing her bright gold teary eyes to him. His breath caught in his throat for a moment. "And that was so…it's just a lot to process." Though broken, there was an unmistakable, profound gleam of love that burned in her eyes for him. She smiled, cupping his cheeks. "I'm just happy."
"Oh..." he sighed in relief, gathering her in his arms. He fell onto his side with her still wrapped around his neck. She buried her face into his neck once more, her grip on him was tight enough to stop him from breathing. He shifted himself, one arm pushing him upwards and back against the headboard of the bed and the other snaked underneath Lilly bringing her onto his chest. She finally let go of him, just so she too could shift herself until she was comfortable.
She looked up at him, her eyes once again filling with tears. "I love you." She told him, running her fingers along the cracks and deep scratches of his plastron, her hair barely being held up in the bun she had on when she fell asleep. "I'm sorry it took so long to actually say those words."
Raphael shrugged, "Even when we were kids, I said it first. You say it because it's real. You love me." With his thumb, he wiped away any moisture left on her cheek then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He cupped her face, gazing at her as the realization of everything suddenly hit him. Lillian was in his arms again, smiling up at him again, and he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. He was hers, and she was his. "And I love you."
Lilly bit her bottom lip as her heart shook her rib cage with its pounding. She reached up to cup his face, pushing herself up and towards him to place a gentle kiss on his mouth. Her heart was full at the admiration in his deep green eyes. Her fingers grazed the side of his cheek, her index slowly tracing his mouth. "My husband," she giggled. "I like that."
Though her words gripped his heart and caused a painful lump to form in his throat, it also ignited the quelled flame in his belly. "You like that?" He asked, his voice low and playful.
Lillian giggled at his tone, reaching up at the hair tie still barely holding on to all her hair and pulled it out, allowing her hair to fall around both of them. His hand immediately entangled itself into her hair, pushing her forward to devour her mouth in a fervent, hungry kiss. She helplessly held his face in between her hands, attempting to keep up with his mouth.
She pushed him back away from her, wanting his desire for her to simmer just a bit longer before they began another inevitable round of learning each other's bodies. She waited, patiently.
Raphael chuckled at her stare, her eyes half-lidded and the sly smile on her lips made his cock twitch. "I could get used to calling you 'wife'." He finally told her.
She laughed, "You can?" That's exactly what she wanted to hear.
He nodded, "Definitely."
This time when she leaned in to kiss him, she didn't pull away. She just kissed him and let him take her.
THERE! They are okay... If it feels like there's supposed to be something more after this, it's because there is. I am working on another fic with these two bc I love them. I don't know when that will come out though, its kinda just because I want to write about loss and healing. We'll see how it goes.
I want to give a thank you to everyone who reviewed and has stuck by for the entirety of this fic, it may have been all over the place but still...there was nothing like reading the reviews, hearing the feedback and see how much people enjoyed it. I really appreciate everyone. Thank you so much. There will be an Epilogue so I'll see you in that one :)