Barney's favourite class was Potions, and it was only because he was sitting next to Alisa Orlov.
The Slytherins all piled in together, exhausted from their last class. Transfiguration with Professor Bhattacharya, who had thrown a test at them so suddenly that Barney was certain he'd failed for spending the first ten minutes fumbling with a quill.
But it didn't matter now. Now he had Potions with the Hufflepuffs.
With Alisa.
His heart fluttered at the thought.
"Oi," said Alex, Barney's older twin, and Barney shot back to the present. "Did you hear me?"
"Hmm? What?"
Alex rolled his eyes. "Do you want to check out the Quidditch pitch during lunch tomorrow?"
"Oh, er, no thank you."
Alex made a face.
"You were thinking about that stupid Hufflepuff, weren't you?"
The change should've been jarring, but Barney reckoned his face was easier to read than a first year spell book. He tried to school his happy grin into that neutral façade, but too late – Alex was already smirking.
"You're so pathetic, you know that?"
"Shut up," Barney said. "And she's not stupid."
As they approached the dungeon doors, Alex only gave him an eye and sauntered to his seat behind him. Lilly Carter was his partner, her Pygmy puff on her shoulder, and Barney pitied her already, since it seemed like Alex was in a particularly arrogant mood today.
Swallowing, Barney slipped into his seat and turned. Alisa entered the classroom with a frantic glint in her eye. She scampered to him with a tremoring hand, spilling her books and quills on their shared desk.
"I-I couldn't finish the essay!" she mumbled. "I didn't write a conclusion!"
Barney's gut coiled, and without hesitation, he pulled out his parchments. "Quick. Here, copy mine."
"Oh, Barney. I couldn't."
"There's still time," he insisted, sliding the parchment to her. "Go on. It's just the conclusion."
She hesitated at first, but then unfurled her quills and dipped the nib in ink, and set to work on the last few paragraphs of her essay. The scrawl of the text body was hasty and smudged like she'd been working on it ten minutes ago and didn't have time to let the ink dry.
He watched her ask she wrote, and even when she was hurrying, desperate almost, she was beautiful. Blonde hair expertly coiffed, face squeezed with determination that he knew would not fail her, lemon and cherry perfume wafting through the air with each wrinkle of her nose. It was like she were a love potion, and he was drawn to her scent, helplessly bewitched.
The classroom turned utterly silent. Then, from right behind Barney and Alisa, a voice sounded.
"Very bold of you to collude in my classroom."
Barney whipped around, nearly falling off the stool. Professor Ji-Yu glared at them, a cold obsidian burning hot and fierce.
Dread burst inside him like stars exploding in the night sky. Caught red-handed. Cheating. Colluding. Oh, Merlin's Beard, this was going to go on his record.
He'd hoped that possibly, maybe, she'd cut him some slack. She was his aunt, after all. But probably not. Though they wore the same face, Professor Ji-Yu was a crueller doppelgänger of Aunt Ji-Yu.
Alisa dropped her quill instantly. Her swallow was audible.
"P-Professor Schreave—"
"If you're going to do it, at least try to be subtle. Detention tomorrow lunchtime, for both of you."
She snatched both of their essays and went to collect the rest. Heart hammering, Barney glanced at Alex, and he just shook his head. Stupid Hufflepuff, it seemed to say.
Wrong. Stupid Slytherin, Barney thought.
Alisa leant forwards and whispered, "I'm really sorry."
He'd tried to help her. Failed, but tried. And that thankful smile on her face for a few moments had made it all worth his time.
"That's all right. I'm sorry we were caught."
She giggled underneath her breath, and it was the sweetest sound to grace his ears.
"If you two don't stop muttering, I'll make it two detentions," Professor Schreave called to them.
They stopped talking after that. But a shared glanced with Alisa was enough to keep Barney afloat for the rest of the day.
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Barney had managed to avoid detention for all the years he'd been at Hogwarts.
But, knowing Alisa was there, he was actually okay – no, excited – about going. It was a first, and it would probably be a last.
The Potions Dungeon was cold and cruel during lunch. The smell of burnt lacewing flies from last period permeated the stale air, and an eerie aura radiated from the green fires burning in the candelabras. As the only source of light, everything seemed to glow like neon fungi. Barney was used to creepy classrooms, since he lived in the Slytherin Dungeons, but this was a cold and destitute replica. Devoid of any goodness at all.
He wasn't surprised to see some people here. Roy, his cousin, head on the desk and napping. An idiotic Gryffindor, he usually went out of his way to annoy his mother in some bizarre attempt at rebelliousness, and of consequence he always gave up his afternoons for detention. Maeve Reynolds, a Ravenclaw – probably for that incident on the Quidditch pitch where she'd smacked a bludger and near-missed Professor Ji-Yu's head. Accidentally, allegedly, though Barney couldn't be sure. Luna was next to her, Gryffindor robes swamping her, though she looked like she couldn't believe she was in the same room as Ro, or as any of them, really.
Camilla Daugherty was there too, very out of place. She was practically Hufflepuff's best student. Why was she here? Sitting next to—?
Jealousy rolled through him. She was sitting next to Alisa. He'd got here too late.
Purging his disappointment, he reluctantly sat next to Roy, behind Alisa.
"Pssst," he muttered. "Alisa."
Alisa whirled around and smiled. "Oh, you made it!"
Camilla also turned and raised an eyebrow at her. "You're happy Barney's here?"
"Oh, er— no, not happy, but I'm glad he's with me." Her cheeks blistered red. "N-Not with me. You know what I mean."
"It's all right. I'm glad you're here too." He blushed. "Yeah, er, not here, in detention though."
Camilla exchanged a glance with him, roiling with a spark of smugness. Alex seemed to think Barney's crush on Alisa was really obvious, and Barney had protested his subtlety, but the look on Camilla's face was in agreement with his twin. Damn it.
The door croaked when Professor Ji-Yu strode inside, and its slam reverberated through the whole room.
"Get up, Roy," she said immediately, in a way that suggested this wasn't the first time he'd slept in her classroom.
Roy craned his head up, cheeks imprinted with his arm rests. He groggily glared at Barney first, recognising who had decided to sit next to him, then at his mother, but said nothing and rolled his shoulders back.
Professor Ji-Yu stood at the front of the classroom, surveying the six of them. Discontent bled from her expression like a faulty wand leaking magic.
"Maeve and Luna, move to the front, here." She gestured to the desk next to Alisa's. "And Camilla, switch places with Barney." She fixed Barney and Roy an unimpressed frown. "I don't have the patience to tolerate attempting to get you two to work together."
That… was a surprise. Camilla blinked first, then shrugged and gave Alisa and apologetic smile before hauling her stuff to Barney's seat. Barney swiped everything into his bag, too, trying to look lost, hurt at the accusation, but inside he was jumping for joy.
"I want you two at the front so I can make sure you're not colluding," Professor Ji-Yu reiterated.
Barney settled into the front seat. That was fine. She could watch all she wanted. He was going to be the perfect student, an example of why this was a one-off incident he'd do for his crush.
Alisa flashed another joyous smile at him, and he could've melted into the seat then and there. Satisfied, Professor Ji-Yu produced a set of folders from her desk and slapped them in front of every student.
"You're going to be making Dirt Removal Potions for the cleaning staff. Two each. You have the hour. Begin."
Like hive mind, everyone moved to the back of the classroom to collect ingredients, cauldrons, stirring equipment, cutlery, from the hulking shelves built into the walls. Barney and Alisa went up together, and though they weren't supposed to help one another, he did feel irresistibly good reaching the higher shelves to grab her a cauldron.
"Thank you," she whispered, blessing him with that iridescent smile.
Warmth slid between his cold hands, fuzzy and cosy. "You're welcome."
Then a crashed pealed through the room. Barney whipped around. Roy had dumped everything onto his desk in a hapless pile. Something had smashed – fish eyeballs were rolling onto Camilla's side, and she was desperately trying to swat them back over with her folder.
Professor Ji-Yu was clearly used to it, and she didn't even regard him from the papers she was marking.
"Should you fail, you'll be back here tomorrow lunch. Doing exactly the same thing. Over and over, until I have two decent potions."
Roy grumbled.
Avoiding the mess, Barney set up his cauldron and ingredients. The list of instructions was long enough to make head swirl, but he hunkered down and measured, cut, and sliced as necessary. Easier to prepare the ingredients beforehand than during the process. Sliding out his wand, he cast the words for the initial solution and added the eyeballs. The cauldron hissed with contact and flashed green before mellowing into a soft yellow. Good start.
A soft gulp. Barney glanced sideways. Alisa had added the first ingredient, too, but the colour was saffron, not banana. Too many eyeballs, it seemed. Sweat veiled her forehead, creasing with worry.
Barney knew how to solve it. She had to counteract the number of eyeballs with the number of anti-clockwise swirls of the potion in the fourth step. Not a perfect remedy, but Professor Ji-Yu was looking for a decent potion, and this was as close as she'd get, now.
Glancing at Ji-Yu, he scribbled a note for Alisa on the assignment parchment. On 4th step, stir twice more anti-clockwise.
She saw it – her eyes flashed with agreement – and quickly scrawled back. You're amazing. Thank you.
The second her quill lifted, a blush smothered his entire body. Amazing. She'd called him amazing. His knees shook with a mixture of delight and affection all at once, and he nearly forget to add half the toad's tongue before the mixture turned green again.
Twenty minutes of enduring silence, and Barney's first potion was done. It had become lime green during the rest of the process, sputtering as he'd added new ingredients and hissing sparks with each new mutter of words. Mint wafted into the air, heavenly in the stale burn of the room, and he carefully poured it all into a glass bottle.
Glancing at Alisa's cauldron, her minor setback had meant her potion was just a little too yellow to be lime green, but still good enough to pass. She filled her bottle too, then, spotting Barney watching, smiled gently.
Merlin's beard, she was so beautiful.
He fumbled stupidly with his ingredients for the next few moments, trying to make a comeback.
"I think it's time to remind everyone why they're here." Ji-Yu said suddenly. She still wasn't looking up from her papers. "Barnabas. Alisa. You start."
Moment gone, he halted. "I'm sorry?"
This time, she did look up, and she was exceedingly more annoyed now. "Why are you in detention today?"
All that warmth and affection dislodged for despair. "I— I let Alisa copy my essay."
"I copied Barney's essay," followed Alisa, but the end of her tone made is sound like a question.
"Yes. You did," Ji-Yu confirmed. "And what will you never do again?"
"Let people copy my work."
"Copy people's work."
"Good," said Ji-Yu. Her voice took on a bored tone as she said, "Roy?"
His cauldron spattered behind him. Barney's back slicked with cold sweat.
Roy let out an aggravated sigh. "Didn't even turn in my essay."
"And what will you do from now on?"
"Continue not to turn in my essays."
Ji-Yu's hiss was dark and foreboding. "I don't tolerate insubordination, Roy, no matter how much you think you can hide behind your father."
His father, Merrick, happened to be headmaster of Hogwarts. Also Barney's uncle. It was a powerful connection to have, and Roy milked it for all it was worth, skiving out of everything because his much kinder, fairer headmaster of a father took pity on him.
"Whatever," he said sulkily – then, below his breath, "I'm practically prince of this school."
Ji-Yu glared at him. The conversation was far from over. She didn't press him further, however, and instead said, "Camilla?"
Camilla swallowed loudly. "I wasn't watching where I was going."
"Care to elaborate?" Ji-Yu said, low.
"I… was staring at the architecture and I slammed into you."
Ah. That made much more sense than Camilla forgetting to turn in her homework. Alisa cracked a smile at the words.
"And what will you learn to do from now on?"
"Watch where I'm going," she said stiffly, like she wanted to disagree.
"Maeve?" asked Ji-Yu.
"I am sorry, Professor," Maeve said, genuine contriteness loud in the eerie quiet of the classroom. "It wasn't intentional. I was just trying to stop the Quaffle going in. You hit the bludger and whoosh, it goes any which way direction, even towards the people in the stands—"
"Then perhaps Professor Chi should give you further instruction about your technique," Ji-Yu groused. "Luna?"
Luna's sigh was world-weary. "I forgot my quill."
"And what will you remember next time?"
"… Quills."
"Good." Ji-Yu returned to her papers. "You may continue."
Barney mushed his lips together and reread the instructions. The fish eyeballs, again. Counting the correct number and hovering the bowl over the cauldron, this time he paused to watch Alisa do the same. Count the eyeballs correctly. Slide them into her own potion.
Again, he was caught in the act watching her. She didn't break off contact this time with a shy smile, though she was smiling, grinning nearly. Instead, she petted his hand with her own, warmth rocketing up his arm.
Then she winked.
His fingers went immediately.
He dropped every fish eyeball into the potion. And then the bowl.
His stomach dropped right into his feet just as the potion went from saffron, to lime green, to bright, furious red. It heckled and spat and boiled furiously, smoke curling off the surface, a strong stench of lava and heat sucking all the minty smells from the air.
That's… not good, he noted helpfully.
Ji-Yu's head snapped up – eyes widened. "Get away!" she yelled.
Without thinking, Barney grabbed Alisa and lunged for far ground. Just as the potion exploded upwards in fury, splattering the ceiling with boiling hot solution, dumping its contents onto the papers, the desk, the floor, every utensil, setting fire to the parchments and quills.
Barney's heart lumbered to normal pace. Alisa was on top of him lengthways – he'd admittedly done a terrible job at trying to protect her – and a fistful of her robes were still in his hands. Nothing singed. Nothing charred. She quickly scrambled off him and helped him up. Even Roy, Camilla, Maeve and Luna were frozen with horror, staring at the carnage and most definitely considering how close they were to becoming fried human.
Ji-Yu checked on Barney and Alisa with a frantic gaze. "Are you all right?"
"F-Fine, Professor," said Alisa, a little shaken.
"Same," said Barney.
He was just glad Alisa was all right. For his own stupid mistake.
Ji-Yu's eyes fixed on him, apparently thinking the same thing. "You know the consequences of using too many trout eyeballs!"
"I-I'm sorry—" he stammered. "I-I wasn't paying attention—"
"What could you have possibly been paying attention to?" she said, and Barney sealed his mouth shut like it's been closed with a Unbreakable Vow. No way was he telling his aunt about why he was staring at Alisa. How she made him weak in the joints.
After a moment of silence, Ji-Yu sighed. "You will clean this up. Then you will remake the Dirt Removal Potions every lunch for the rest of the week."
Detention for the rest of the week? He protested, "B-But Professor—"
"Perhaps you will learn not to be so easily distracted."
He'd spent the rest of the detention using anti-corrosive powder to stop his ill-begotten potion from eating into the floor. He pressed the magicked cloth to the floor watched the red liquid soak up, and then squeezed it out into the sink with gloved hands. Alisa had been moved to the back, and, at least, her first potion was spared the carnage. She only had to remake the second.
Then the outdoor bells pealed through the classroom, and the detention was dismissed. Though knowing he'd have to return tomorrow when the others were able to finish was saddening enough as it was. He couldn't imagine the janitors were going to have fun in his stead.
Outside the classroom, Roy, Camilla, Maeve and Luna gave him funny looks before departing for their common rooms. Alisa held back, tugging his arm to stop him when the others had left.
"You saved me," she said, like it was matter-of-fact.
Damn blush. It rippled across his skin like a red sea. "I—well, I was just trying to stop you being consumed alive."
She laughed. "I think I acted more as a shield to you than you did for me."
Shame washed over him, and he tried not to let his embarrassment show.
"But…" Alisa continued, "I think it was very brave of you. To try to save me." She clasped her hands together, looking at the floor. "So thank you, my hero."
My… hero?
He nearly buckled.
"Ah, it's… it's nothing."
"Don't be so modest."
Looking up at him, she did something he never expected.
She kissed him.
It was short. Sweet. Light as a cloud on his cheek. He didn't even have time to process and lean into it. But it was enough to unleash a tidal wave of affection through him, force his jelly legs to crumble him against the wall.
"My hero. I love you," she said.
He could hardly stumble through the words. "Alisa… I love you too."
"Oi, Barney!"
And instantly, Barney snapped awake from his daydream. Sitting at his desk with the lights dimmed, his tablet computer was about halfway through Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone – he'd wanted to watch the Philosopher's version, but the palace, unfortunately, only stocked the Illéan edition. Paperwork and sheets were spread thin across the surface, but in the hour or so break he'd allowed himself, he'd drawn the curtains for ambience and left himself a little bowl of hard sweets.
Bangs on the door again. "Barnabas!"
Barney sighed, yanking out his earphones. "What? Don't come in."
Alexander opened the door anyway. He was still dressed in his suit, pristine and cut, with a grin that meant he was about to do something horrible.
"I'm going to crash Fitz's party," he said. "Want to join?"
"I'm watching Harry Potter."
Alex snorted. "No, you were daydreaming again, weren't you?"
Damn, was he that easy to read? Barney blushed, shooing all thoughts of Hogwarts and Alisa from his head. "N-No," he said, but Alex made a face that said he didn't believe him whatsoever.
"You need to stop being salty you never received your letter," Alex coaxed, "and come crash this party with me. It'll be far more entertaining than mourning your childhood."
"Harry Potter is classic," Barney protested. "And we're not invited, so no, I don't want to go."
"The whole point of crashing is being not invited," he said, then rolled his eyes. "But fine. Enjoy your inner demons."
He shut the door. Barney was left in silence again.
He might still have been a little bitter he never got to go to Hogwarts.
Then again, if he'd have gone to Hogwarts, he'd never have met Alisa Orlov. She was off-limits, as far as his head was concerned, being part of Roy's Selection, but his heart had other ideas, and it liked to torture him occasionally with wild daydreams of another life.
But it didn't matter. What he wanted was fantasy. Hogwarts and Alisa.
And though the latter actually existed, he knew better than to fall for someone he could not have. He wouldn't cave to his secret desire, no matter what.
Swallowing his feelings and shoving them deep within himself, Barney replaced his earphones and played the film again.
A/N: So it's the HP AU idea! Aaaaand it was all in Barney's head. But don't worry, I'm definitely going to write more of the tsts hp au because this was so much fun. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!
If you're curious, Barney is Slytherin because Alex is definitely Slytherin, and Barney would've asked to be in the same house. I was sort of torn between Roy in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, but I went with Gryffindor because there were already two Puffs, and the rest of the characters' houses were creator preference.
All reviews, favourites and follows greatly appreciated, and, as always, friends, thanks for reading.
~ GWA