A/N: Have I told you all lately how much I appreciate your reviews, follows and favorites! They make me SO HAPPY!
Thanks so much to my amazing beta, Cindy Barnard, couldn't do it without you!
Repetitive Note: Italics are thoughts, spells, magical terminology, show emphasis in conversations and can also be written correspondence or journaling. Lots yes, I know. Hopefully you are able to discern which by what is around it!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but really like to have J.K. Rowling's characters as my playthings!
Chapter 16
Draco wakes with a start, grabbing for his wand as he bolts upright in bed. He searches his room and upon not finding anything he silently casts a homenum revelio to locate any intruders in his flat. When no one appears he lowers his wand, sits down, runs his hand through his sleep-mussed hair and takes deep breaths until his heart rate returns to normal.
Anxiety is a side effect he experiences from a dreamless sleep. He began using it several times a week during his sixth year as it was the only way he could get any rest due to his constant state of fear, anxiousness and insecurity while he was trying to complete the impossible mission of killing Dumbledore. He had been able to nick several vials from Professor Slughorn and the infirmary and used them for several months before going home for the worst Christmas holiday he had experienced. He thought he would be able to brew more there, but the higher level Death Eaters had taken over their potions lab and he wasn't allowed anywhere near it. He had finished what he had while at home thinking he could steal more at Hogwarts. When he returned to school he found his supply completely cut off, apparently they had discovered the theft because he could neither find where the infirmary or Slughorn's potions stores were located nor the main ingredient in Dreamless Sleep.
After Dumbledore was killed, he ended up setting up his own potions lab in his bathroom at home where he was able to brew anything he wanted. He was nearly completely dependent on it before the end of the war and even with the potion, he would wake up in terror each morning.
At first, this was the only thing he was willing to talk to his Mentalist about because it involved the least amount of sharing of his personal demons. With the help of the mentalist, he eventually realized that he could handle nightmares much better than his morning freakouts, which stem from his initial abuse of the substance during sixth year.
Taking Dreamless Sleep last night had been out of character. Usually, he would have just dealt with his emotions then slept relatively peacefully, but Hermione's rejection of him was too much for him to deal with, and knowing he would need several good hours of rest in order to be functional at work, he downed a vial of Dreamless Sleep.
He is disgusted with himself.
How could I have been so fucking stupid? First Hermione and then that Merlin forsaken potion. He sighs shaking his head then gets up to get ready for work, frustrated knowing he will probably need help to sort this out.
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Later that day Hermione and Ginny meet for lunch, she had debated on telling Ginny about the previous night but still hadn't quite wrapped her head around it yet.
Ginny persuaded Hermione to go shopping for a new outfit for the Housewarming Party that Friday on New Year's Eve and talks her into buying a long sleeve fit and flare emerald green dress that accentuates her petite frame, knowing that Malfoy would love seeing Hermione in Slytherin colors and hoping it would prompt him into action. But if not, she was going to be sure they at least kissed. Ginny had been doing some plotting since she had seen Malfoy and Hermione together. She had extracted a promise this morning from Harry to remind Malfoy about Friday night. She enlisted the help of Luna Lovegood and Hannah Abbot. The party was going to be small, and included her co-conspirators and their love interests, well Ginny wasn't really sure about Luna's interest in Theo Nott, but they have been hanging out and Hannah had been trying to get Neville to notice her as more than someone that is good with house plants. Now the girls would only have to be sure they were dancing with the correct guy when the countdown to the new year began. She'd already figured out a charm to keep people from separating until they kissed at midnight. She was pretty sure Draco and Hermione would be dancing, but if not she would just threaten them with her bat bogey hex. That always works. Easy peasy.
When Hermione exits the dressing room Ginny is laughing. Hermione gives Ginny an odd look and asks, "What's so funny?"
Ginny is laughing so hard tears are falling from her eyes. She wipes them away and when she is finally able to catch her breath, she replies, "Oh, just thinking about giving someone my bat bogey hex." Hermione shakes her head and Ginny starts laughing again.
Ginny finds a beautiful royal blue dress that makes her sky blue eyes look dazzling and they part ways with Ginny reminding Hermione she will be at her flat around 4:00 PM Friday to finish up party prep and help each other get ready.
When Harry tells Ginny that Malfoy won't be coming, she asks him why not and he just shrugs, "He didn't say." Okay, time to get the Ravenclaw involved. She sends Luna a quick owl telling her their plans have hit a snag. She gets a response that Draco must have a nargle infestation and she'll take care of it. Ginny shakes her head but knows somehow Luna always makes things work out.
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Around 7:00 PM Draco hears a knock on his door. He won't admit to himself that he hopes it is Hermione. So when he opens his door and Theo is standing there he practically snarls out, "What do you want?"
Theo isn't fazed by Draco's reaction, he pushes around him and walks over to the bar, pouring himself a glass of Ogden's finest. "Hello to you too, mate." Theo sits down on his sofa and takes a sip of his drink. "What has you in such a festive mood tonight?"
Draco huffs, and closes his door and pours his own glass, taking a seat. He's known Theo long enough to know he won't be leaving any times soon. "Work," he lies. He sits there fuming. He doesn't want to be bothered tonight. He saw his mentalist at lunch and his assignment is to write out the cause of why he took Dreamless Sleep before seeing him again Wednesday and then Potter comes sticking his nose in where is doesn't belong afterwards telling him the Weaslette expects him at Hermione's on Friday. He's clenching and unclenching his free hand.
"Well?" Theo asks him. Apparently, he had tuned him out.
"What?" Draco says annoyed.
Theo rolls his eyes, "Will you come with me on Friday to the party? I mean I really want to see this girl."
Draco huffs, he doesn't have many friends left and what would it hurt to go to a party. If Theo's invited, they probably won't care if he is there. "Sure."
A huge smile breaks out of Theo's face and Draco is surprised by it. "Great mate, and don't forget to bring some of that champagne you have stashed at the manor, it always makes for a good New Year's party. I'll see you at 7:00 PM, Friday." Theo gets up and walks out leaving Draco to the silence, now he wishes he had stayed longer.
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Hermione is sitting in her chair, playing with her necklace. She is looking over the notes she made about Draco this morning. She realizes she hadn't thought of that day by the lake since Ron left her and Harry during the Horcrux hunt. She would cry because of both betrayals sometimes because of Ron and other times Draco. Then after Ron returned, they barely had any time before she saw Draco again. Her heart had soared when he didn't identify Harry at his home and it was the gutted look on his face when she was being tortured by Bellatrix that kept her grounded. Luna had even told her she said Draco's name in her sleep when she was recovering. She had been mortified, but Luna just gave her a sweet smile and patted her arm. The remainder of time after that until the final battle had been a blur. She knows she starts feeling guilty regarding Draco after she kisses Ron for being concerned about the house elves at Hogwarts. She also felt betrayal when Draco confronts them in the Room of Requirement and later when she sees him tell a Death-Eater he is on their side. She comes to the conclusion that she had likely repressed the memories about Draco and never really dealt with them. So the feelings of guilt and betrayal both played a part in the repression of her memories.
So where do I go from here? She opens her notebook to a fresh page and begins writing:
Draco has recently apologized to me for not doing more that night at Malfoy Manor and for everything else from name calling as children on. I can see he truly feels remorse for his actions. I even know his motivations at the Battle of Hogwarts – he assumed Voldemort would win and was desperately trying to do something to help his family. He has completely turned from the dark path, even becoming an Auror to make up for his past mistakes. He obviously is no longer prejudiced about blood as he has befriended me. Maybe even tried to kiss me last night. I feel that I have forgiven him, so why did I freak out? I'm very attracted to him. He is kind, considerate, funny, confident and intelligent. I respect him. So why am I so afraid?
Hermione ponders this for several minutes. She rereads what she wrote this morning and what she has just written. She shakes her head and begins writing again.
I'm afraid because of what happened with Ron. I thought I was getting what I wanted after so long of waiting on him. At the first little sign of maturity, his concern for the elves, I jumped on it. Thinking he finally understood me. He had also been working on getting back in my good graces at the time and had been treating me with what I thought was love and respect. Leaving was really the only thing he ever apologized for but did he really ever apologize? He said he regretted it the moment he left, but he never asked me to forgive him. Did he ever in all those years of friendship ask me to forgive him when he hurt me? Not really. Something always seemed to happen to throw us all back together. He always blamed circumstances for the way he treated me, especially after Fred died. He never took responsibility for his actions. Even his worst betrayal was blamed on the Horcrux.
Hermione draws a sharp intake of breath and realizes she is crying. Although this time the tears feel different, instead of pain and sorrow it feels like the release of a burden and her soul feels cleansed.
She knows she has more to process, but when she glances at the clock and notices it is after 11:00 PM and she decides to turn in and dwell on the rest later.
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