It was noon when they reached the curve of the river. She had not spoken much all morning. She simply took his offered arm and showed him the plantation. The plough's handle had been broken by one of the men. He saw her face as it hardened at the news, noticed the fear in Suellen's eyes, when she told her of the problem. But to her sister's great surprise she uttered dismissingly, with some effort for that, "We will take it to the smith in Jonesboro tomorrow. Don't think about it now, we will handle this tomorrow."
"Your sister seems to fear you, Scarlett. How come Why?"
"She is a mean brat. Always trying to avoid helping with work" She did not mean to utter such harsh words at in his presence, but then she realized, as she had in the past, this hardness is part of who she is now. She is no longer a girl, or a belle. He probably would not have called her 'his love' had he known the depth of change in her, she thought with a tingle of sorrow. Yet, she decided to be honest about it.
"Things have changed, Rhett. I have changed. Nothing is easy anymore. Suellen was sick, and I was working almost single-handedly in the fields. Planting vegetables, milking the cow. Dear God, I had to catch that cow with Prissy on the way home. Prissy wouldn't go near it. When Suellen got better, she kept acting like I owed her something. Always complaining and crying. She was capable of hard work, but she did very little. Then again, we never were the best of friends. She loved telling on me to Mother. Before the war, it seems like following me around, stealing my dresses and telling Ma that she saw me flirting with boys was her favorite hobby. That was before the war. And now, she complains so often that I can't help but be cross with her. She is not the only one though. I've been short with Pork and Mammy as well. The only one I don't seem to hurt or bother with anything I do is Melanie. She supports whatever I do."
"So, you have become closer to Mrs. Wilkes?"
The long journey she had made with her sister-in-law at her side, was beyond verbal.
"Melanie loves me. She doesn't judge me, Rhett. Not like my sisters do. Oh, Careen is sweet, but she is too dreamy to really notice what goes on around Tara." Her voice was not sad. "Sue and I had a terrible argument when she found out that I told Mammy that she could work at home and not in the fields, like us. She kept saying that the Negros should do that work…" Scarlett did not add that the end of the argument resulted in her slapping her sister Suellen hard on her face and yelling at her that Mammy is was worth ten Suellens.
Scarlett seemed disturbed at the thought so she spoke slowly at Rhett's silence.
Finally he spoke, "I have never liked my brother either. My younger sister is sweet. But he's a complete bore. Southern to the core with dignity and honor. He would run and tell my father that I was playing with the field-hand's children, and get me disciplined time after time."
She laughed. "Why on earth would your parents mind that you were playing with the slave children? Why, I always played with Big Sam and the neighborhood boys when we were little."
"No girls?"
"No. They had nothing interesting to offer."
He laughed "Nothing? Aren't you being overly judgmental?"
"No, girls were always bickering or playing with dolls and having tea parties. I never liked that. Mammy and Mother were scandalized by me, well, at least until I started mastering the art of attracting beaus." She laughed again when she saw the smirk spread in his face.
"Don't you sneer at me like that, or I won't tell you anything more. You know how I love dancing, and of course being courted. Well, most of the girls hated me for that."
"I can hardly blame them. From the looks of it at Twelve-Oaks, you used to gather all the young men around yourself with a blink of those dark, long eyelashes."
"You don't have to be mean about it. Just because you never fell for that act, you shouldn't be so harsh. And as for the other girls, what could I do if the men liked my company better than any other's? Besides, at the Twelve-Oaks barbeque I did have a friend, though you may not remember her - Cathleen Calvert. She was the person I was with when I first saw you, from down the stairs at Twelve-Oaks."
He remembered every detail of that encounter, yet, he decided to please her saying "I remember you. All the rest is a haze."
She smiled brightly at his reply and paused, her face relaxed. She pressed his palm, but then let go, blushing at the show of affection.
"You are as conceited as ever, my dear lady! Though you shone like the northern star in a moonless sky, I do remember the fair young lady next to you. She wore a blue dress if I recall."
"You cad! Must you ruin a nice thing, once you've said it?!"
"Surely amnesia cannot be regarded as nice, my dear. Yet, I will please your vanity by saying that your light outshone all others."
They reached the part of the road, down next to the river bottom. She leaned her head to against a wide tree with some low thick branches.
"I love this tree here. I would climb it as fast as any other boy in the county. I'd race Brent and Stu to the top. Perhaps they let me win." At The thought of her dead friends made her swallow hard.
"Once I fell down on my belly on the side of the river-bank instead of in the water out of this very tree. God, I couldn't breathe! My nose bled. I was a mess. Stu and Brent took turns to bringing me their handkerchiefs with water from the river, till I stood up and raced them home. My, we had a good time! Mammy had to put ice on my nose for hours after that and I kept yelling at her because my nose was so sore."
"I can imagine you grunting with ice on your face" he smiled at her.
She looked into his eyes for long moments.
"So, Mrs. Hamilton, how changed are you?"
Her eyebrows rose at the sound of her married name.
"Don't you Mrs. Hamilton me, Rhett, or I shall start calling you Mr. Butler, a name, if I recall correctly makes you feel the presence of your ever-loving father."
"Touché, Scarlett, but you are not answering my question. How changed are you?"
Her heart beat fast as she looked at his darkened eyes face, and against her every instinct she answered truthfully "More than I want for you, or for myself, for that matter, to know, my darling."
He did not miss the term of endearment directed at him, nor did he miss the fact that she was asking him to let her veil parts that she found foul in herself.
He took her face with both hands and observed her at length.
She couldn't bare bear his gaze. Pictures of her outbursts on the past year, of nightmares, of the encounter with the Yankee deserter and the Yankee soldiers that nearly burned Tara went through her head. No. None of these were parts that she wanted to share. Not with him, not even with herself.
"Stop it, Rhett. Please. I beg of you."
"What should I stop?"
"Stop staring at me like that. You make me feel…"
He held her close to him with a firm grip "What is it that I make you feel?"
She tried to move her head away with the confusion that this his proximity produced, but he took her lips against his own and kissed her leisurely, now with his beard rubbing against her face. The kiss brought her back to a place and a time that no longer existed, or so she thought. The first soft kisses deepened. He smiled at her with his eyes and His lips opened her own, tasting her mouth with his tongue. Her fingers, with a mind of their own explored the soft hair above his nape.
She opened her eyes and saw his smile.
"You haven't changed all that much. At least not where it counts."
She blushed, but before she could think of a proper thing to say, he whispered "Don't. Weren't you the one who told me to treat you as my equal? I am doing exactly that. I want to kiss you, and you want to be kissed. There is no use in acting as if it were any different."
"Are we equals, Rhett? I wish to God we are were."
He did not understand her at that instant for the touch of her hands and lips distracted every other thought. And She caressed his cheek-bones and the line of his beard, with her hands and lips, her eyes wide open, yet hazy and soft.
She thought of the consequences of what she was willingly doing. She hadn't given in at Rough and Ready, but on in broad day light it was impossible not to. She knew she was a woman, and that her behavior was beyond immodest. Regardless of her sacrifices for her family, neither they nor society would stand by her if she gave herself to a man to whom she was not married. She wondered how Rhett would see her, would she be regarded as respectable or would he see her as one of those cheap women like that red-haired Watling woman?
Was it that she wanted him to think she had not changed?
She didn't know. Surely She wanted to believe she was his equal. She looked in his eyes realizing that during the months of his absence the thoughts of his possible death haunted her daily, more than her mother's death, more than the hunger and her father's lack of sanity. The tenderness of what had happened between them was not the only picture in her mind each dawn when she dwelled on thoughts. She had missed his presence.
'I won't let consequences bother me' she thought defiantly.
"Boy, I am I glad that you are alive, Rhett. Don't ever do something as foolish as leaving me in the middle of a night again."
"Say that you missed me" he said, holding her face in his hand
"What on earth gave you that impression?" She laughed carelessly as she stood on her toes to kiss his lips.
She was turning away from him but he grabbed her arm causing her to sway a bit. She kept laughing, and though it was a true laughter, she couldn't help feeling surprised by the sound.
"You are not telling me what you are thinking of, my dear."
"No, I am not. But I dare say that I spoke much more than I planned to."
"Is that so? Well, I think I have my ways to persuade you to talk."
"You are conceited" She smiled and said these words softly yielding to his caresses, with her own.
She clung to his lips, to his neck, to his chest, her tongue just as brazen as his. She kept kissing him as he leisurely touched the curves of her backside. She gasped, taking a deep breath in between kisses, his hands were untying her bodice, touching her breasts recklessly.
"Talk to me" he kept whispering as he stroked the white skin exposed at her front.
She felt the waves and a rush of sensations flood her entire being as a sudden ray of sunshine dazzled and startled her.
She moved backwards - "Stop, Rhett. Not here. " She was breathing heavily, her hair mussed and her eyes dancing with a gleam that she wouldn't recognize as her own.
He looked at her with brightness in his eyes, "Where would you want me, my dear?"
"Inside" Her face turned crimson as the double meaning of the wording came to her recognition. Nevertheless, she did not say anything more, only gazed at him with her dazzling emerald eyes.
Oh, she should be ashamed, her mind was screaming with indignation. But she stood and took him by his hand, and leading him to a cabin by the woods that used to serve in the past as a sleeping place during the hunting season.
She paced hurriedly, determined, pushing aside thoughts of hell and heaven that tried to penetrate her mind, and as soon as they were behind four walls she let herself lose all restraint. She leaned into him and kissed him shamelessly, aiding him as he untied and removed her dress.
To her amazement, just as she thought that he was about to have her, he stopped, raising his body from hers –
"Are you sure you want this, Scarlett?"
She couldn't believe her ears. Nevertheless, it was no mistake. He moved aside of her and was gazed at her as he spoke with a clear voice –
"Scarlett, before we commence or, shall I say, continue, tell me your expectations of me, with words."
She was speechless. Was she supposed to put into words what she was giving him? Wasn't that what he wanted? Asked of her? She remembered him saying he was not a marrying man. Was that what he was referring to? There was no reason behind it. At least none that she could figure out.
With a hard, long look, she cleared her voice and quietly said "I have no expectations. We are not married. You are not a marrying man, so you said, so consider this my gift to a returning soldier."
"Scarlett, forgive me, I shouldn't have asked you just that, when…"
"Hush, please don't apologize or I'll die of shame" She lowered her eyes as she felt the tears coming up, and herself unable to stop them
"Please my love. I have dreamted of you, day and night. I have every bit of intention of marrying you, making you a decent woman, if being married to a varmint like me is of decency, but I am asking you to tell me what you want."
She pulled back, fastening her bodice and gathering her blouse covering herself quietly and rapidly. If he was going to propose, she wanted to be dressed.
She saw the question-mark in his expression, he was moving backwards –
"Are you scared? Don't you want this?"
"Are you really going to marry me no matter what I say or do?"
"If you'll have me"
"Well, so I want you to get bended on your knee and do it properly, and at least for the sake of the stories that we will tell our grandchildren, I would rather be covered decently."
He roared with laughter, catching her hands –
"I will crawl on my knees if it will please you, but please don't cover yourself, you resemble a Greek goddess, a source of jealousy to Hera and Aphrodite, my love. I shall keep the details of your natural attire to myself and take this memory with me to my grave as one of the finest, most exquisite moments in my life."
"Fine, are you sure these Hera and Aphrodite were beautiful?" His eyes were glowing, and in an uncommon sense of tact he refrained from commenting on her ignorance.
"The most beautiful Goddesses of Greek Mythology, Hera was the queen goddess, and Aphrodite the Goddess of beauty", he bent on his knees marveling at her alabaster skin, stroking her with his large hands.
"Talk to me my love, tell me what it is that you want"
Her shyness and former distress seemed to melt, but a tear did drop from her eye as she looked down at him and smiled slowly as she uttered softly –
" I want you, Rhett. And no, I am not afraid, though I should be. Dear God, I am losing my last shreds of dignity, am I not?"
"Not in the least" he whispered.
"So, even if it does send me straight to hell, the answer to your other question is no. And I lied.
He looked baffled for a moment, but she knelt on the dirt floor aside him, holding his shoulders with her bare hands "I was lying when I said it was my gift to you, because I want to be with you. So no, I do want it."