Hi there, I am dedicating this chapter to Careen.
It was a chill morning. Rhett had gone on his own to Atlanta, promising to bring a few field hands on his prompt return. Scarlett took Careen in every routine ever since she found her weeping, that early morning. No, she had not talked with Careen about her griefs, instead, she offered her snappish yet protective presence. Indeed, snappish she was. Everything seemed to vex her since Rhett's departure.
At the morning of his departure he was still trying to persuade her to come with him to Atlanta – "But Rhett, I don't wish to stay with Aunt Pitty. Besides, the house will be in complete wrecks when I return." She tried to reason.
"You don't have to stay at Ms. Hamilton's, that is if you are courageous enough. In fact, I can perfectly sneak you in my hotel room." He muttered while caressing her hair with his lips.
"Oh, no you don't! If you had the sense that God gave a goat you wouldn't be asking me to toss my reputation off the window in a non-revocable form. Besides, I want to wed in a Catholic church this time, don't add to the sins I'll have to confess before the ceremony"
"Catholic?! I thought your grandparents were Roubilard!" Rhett couldn't hide his amazement at the notion.
"Pa is Irish and Catholic and so was my grandmother on Ma's side. Would you mind? I never thought of asking you which church you belong to. It just seemed natural."
"I don't belong to any church, Scarlett. My parents would go to St. Michael's, the Anglican Church. But I think it was because Lee and the entire high society went there. No, I won't mind a different church if that is your wish. Why though?"
She lowered her eyes – "I want The Lord and all his angels to bless us." She wouldn't tell him more. But since his proposal she had been thinking of this. She wasn't sorry for giving herself to him, yet, in the corner of her mind she thought that she may be punished for being so careless of the rules of holy matrimony, and she was scared. Yet, that was only one part of it. She thought of the prayers they would keep during her mother's life. She had always felt so blessed. She wanted to carry that feeling to her matrimony.
He took her chin and lift her face "Look at me, my love. What is it?"
Not thinking she answered "I could never be sorry about you, or what I gave you, since that is what you seem to inquire about. I wasn't when you left, and I most definitely won't be sorry now that you're back alive and well. However, to be honest, I wouldn't mind receiving a blessing from God, since I intend this to be the last time I wed."
Nonetheless she was astounded when the following morning Careen confessed that she was considering retiring to the convent in Charleston.
"What's of this silliness? What on earth possesses you? Don't you want to have a life?"
Careen burst into another fit of tears, unable to utter a word. Scarlett bit herself cursing quietly for the Catholic upbringing. Maybe I should go to Rhett's church. With that thought she hugged her sister and said -
"We shall walk to the springs today, see what has become of them. Go dress. You are coming with me." Up in the woods there were three pools of fresh spring water. The water served as a special resort of water for the animal stocks. Scarlett hadn't gone there throughout the entire year. She had heard from the young Miss Tarleton that the machinery was beyond repair and the surroundings have grown wild.
"Are you sure it is safe?" asked Careen
"Stop being a ninny. You are my sister, aren't you? I'll take the pistol and we will take the horse without saddle so we can trot without hurting its' back."
Careen had never ridden a horse in such form, let alone without a proper saddle and riding dress, but somehow the self-assurance that Scarlett demonstrated was beyond questioning, and she found herself more than content safely at the front of the horse, held by her elder sister. After the curve in the road Scarlett, feeling rather care-free, and with the cool breeze she encouraged the horse to gallop faster.
Upon arriving she tried to hide her content smile at the sight of her sister's flushed cheeks and happy awe.
The fence and the entire construction that served the area as a pumping station was in ruins, but the scenery was captivating. Wild plants grew around the pool, that had become a pond, once again, creating a natural dome from the top. The rays of light penetrating the shrubby dome seemed enchanted.
Scarlett helped Careen down.
"It's beyond repair." Scarlett uttered more to herself than to Careen. "There is no chance that without these pools we will be able to water the upper fields."
"What are we supposed to do here, Scarlett?"
"There is nothing that we can do. It will take heavy engineering and capable hands to fix this place so that we can water the higher lands to the extent that cotton requires. No, I took you here because I heard that it was beautiful, and I wanted to check it."
An idea came to Scarlett's mind
"Look, the water is shallow there. We could enter and swim, like we did with Pa ages ago."
She did not wait her sister's respond and started taking off her blouse and dress.
"Come, don't be a goose, I bet the water is not half as cool as it is outside."
Careen watched her elder sister with amazement, and to her own surprise she undressed with her back turned. Before she finished she heard Scarlett scream with delight, and turned to see her dive under the water dressed in nothing.
Scarlett's face rose above the water and she splashed while calling "Come, it's wonderful. And leave your chemise out, or you'll freeze to death on the way home. Besides, you've been sick for a life time."
Careen entered the cool water surprised at the soft sensation that clouded all her senses as she let the water cover her completely. Like Scarlett she dived under the water, swimming aimlessly in circles around the pond, as of committing some religious ritual. But Scarlett did not talk as she stepped out of the pond, drying and dressing quickly. Careen raised her face from the pond –
"Don't come out, I shall keep guard here. Keep swimming, darling. You always were a fish in the water. I think we shall do this once a week, as long as the weather permits us."
The place was as peaceful as if taken from another time and place. Scarlett gazed at her rough hands. The taste of Rhett's kisses on her blistered came to mind and she smiled softly.
"Are you thinking of Captain Butler?"
Scarlett hadn't noticed that her sister stepped out of the water and was nearly dressed.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I never saw you smile just like that. You love him dearly."
Amazed at the sentiments put out so bluntly, Scarlett pondered a bit before answering "I suppose I do, though I hadn't thought of it much until you put it this way."
"How come? You agreed to marry him, so you must love him."
Scarlett sighed. How was she to tell her naïve sister that love had nothing to do with her first marriage nor with their parent's matrimony when it came to her mother's side, as she found out a year before. Yes, she realized that she loves Rhett dearly, that it wasn't for no reason that she endured the public criticism while associating with him during the war. She wanted his company.
"I haven't always, you know?"
"Really?"
"Well, he is an infuriating rascal, and he has this way of mocking me that lights my ire to flames. During most of the war I was sure that my heart was someone else's."
"Charles's?"
"No, honey. It doesn't matter whom. But I loved him for ages. Here is the thing, hearts heal. They grow and change. Mine did."
"Scarlett, will you take me to Charleston? I want to see the convent. I am not like you. I don't think my heart will ever heal."
"What is it about us O'Hara girls that we get stuck on our first love like mad dogs?! First Ma, then me, Sue going and marrying her first beau though he is practically ancient, now you!"
"Ma?"
"Ma loved a man named Phillipe. Apparently, Grandpa Pierre and her sisters wouldn't let her marry him, so after he died in a row or something she wanted to retire to the same convent you are talking about or marry Pa. Pa adored her, and I suppose she liked him, but when she died she was calling for Phillipe." Scarlett laid the story with pain in her voice. She had extracted the facts from Mammy after returning to Tara at one of the rare occasions in which Mammy's guard was down.
Careen began weeping.
"I could have been the same, Careen, mooning over a man who did not love me. Up to a month before we fled Atlanta I was sure that my heart will never heal."
"What happened?"
"On the way to Tara something in me snapped. Rhett told me that he was leaving me, that he loved me and wanted me" Scarlett did not blush and the calmness radiating from her stuck to her sister "I thought of Stu and Brent, of the Calvert boys and all my childhood friends who died. I knew he might die too. I gave my heart and soul at that moment, not caring if it will shutter to pieces if he dies. Indeed, there wasn't a day after, that I did not wonder if he was alive or dead. He could have died and I would have never known. He could have decided not to come back for me, and it would have left me in the same place. Even so, I'd never regret risking my heart again. And I would do it again and again when the right man came. Believe me, there are so many men out there, kind and strong and loving."
Scarlett was sitting on the ground holding the pistol, not daring to look her sister in the eye. She couldn't tell if Careen realized to what extent she gave herself to Rhett. She felt the small hand squeeze her own, and as she lifted her gaze she saw the tears streaming down her sister's cheeks.
"It was so painful" She wept "I am not sure that I can bear it again if my heart breaks."
"And miss on life? No sweetheart, we are O'Hara. We don't run away. You have such a sweet heart, there is no way that it will remain in solitude."
When they were riding back Scarlett drew the reigns so that the horse would paste slower –
"I have a favor to ask – do make sure that Sue loves Frank. I gave my consent to this matrimony but I keep asking myself if it was wise. Sue had never had another beau, and she had a hard time with me trifling with all the boys, well, till I married, but then most of them had gone to war." Scarlett stuttered through most of her words, aware that the same description applied to her youngest sister.
"She had a thing for Alex Fontain, but she never thought that he would noticed her."
"I knew it" Scarlett cursed herself silently for giving her consent to the match so quickly.
"Well, no one outside of Tara knows of this engagement and we can easy enough pull out of it"
"You wouldn't!" cried Careen.
"Oh yes I would, if it could give Sue a better life. Lord knows that I would have made poor Charlie miserable had he lived to come from the war. No, the only man I will not be able to put to distress is the dreadful varmint who fortunately had fallen in love with me!"
Careen couldn't hold the laughter that came due to the frank confession her sister made so passionately, both regarding herself and the intimidating Captain Butler whom she hardly spoke in whose presence.
"Do hush up! We are coming near the house, and though I am truly delighted that you are finally amused, even if it is because of my horrid character and my beloved fiancée's mal-traits, but I wouldn't want you to have to share this source of amusement with others. They will undoubtedly inquire. So be as it may, do keep a sad look on you face at least until tomorrow."
Having said that Careen's glee, grew to a roar and she started sniffing unable to contain herself.
****Milady*****
"May I inquire what have you done with Careen? She was practically humming a tune at dinner" Asked Melly when the two were sipping their daily tea.
"I explained that hearts heal and took her swimming."
"You are so clever. I could never think of such a notion. Besides, I can't swim."
"I could teach you, but maybe when Ashley returns he will. He is a fine swimmer."
"I keep forgetting that you grew together. Tell me of him as a boy. I miss him so."
"Well, he was the fairest in the whole county. Tall and blonde and gallant. Once I my ankle went wrenched and he carried me in his arms home not complaining or resting once. Why, when he returned from his grand tour I thought he looked like a knight in shining armor. Most of the boys were like me, not very schooled or the most eager readers, but he was different. So much like you, my dear." She squeezed her hand affectionately.
"I am glad to hear that you see resemblance makes a good match." Rhett had arrived unnoticed by both, and his words, though smooth, did not conceal the irritation.
"Captain Butler! We weren't expecting you so soon!" exclaimed Melanie, unaware of the tension that came with his words "Scarlett indulged me with stories of Ashley's youth. I do hope that he would come back soon."
"Madam, your prayers may be answered sooner than expected, he awaits you in the parlor." The drawl in his speech was smooth.
Both women jumped to their feet. Melanie held Scarlett's arm when Scarlett rushed her "Go dear, what are you waiting for?"
They watched her run through the veranda into the house. Scarlett approached Rhett with a smile when she his detached appearance.
"Aren't you going to greet the beloved knight in shining armor?"
"Dear God in Heaven!" she exclaimed "Are you really going to be at that?" She asked me to talk of him, so I tried to be kind! And Rhett, it's true. I thought of him that way for ages, why just today…"
She stopped. His gaze changed "What happened just today, Scarlett?"
"It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are being a fool!"
"Fool, am I?"
"Yes! And a stubborn one, if we are at it. I have no intension of soothing your arrogance with assurances that my heart is yours. If you are not aware of it by now, then stay out here in the porch and sulk all you want." Having said that she marched proudly in the house. She did not see the smile that eased his rough features.
She felt his presence when she kissed Ashley's cheek and received his grateful embrace. A sense of regret invaded her heart. She would die of jealousy if an old love of his would kiss him in front of her. She therefore drew back and leaned to Rhett's arms as she answered Ashley's appraising words looking at Melanie's glowing face – "Stop that nonsense Ashley Wilkes. The only one who deserves praise and appreciation here is that saint wife of yours. Never will you meet a braver person than the wife you had married. My entire family would have gone mad without her here."
Melanie's eyes flashed at her and they both forced and laughter that was meant to make it sound as a joke. The understanding look revealed Scarlett that she was not alone in her reluctance to share all the occurrences of the past years.
She felt Rhett embrace her from the back and she had to restrain herself from kissing him at that moment. Instead she took his hand with both hands and caressed it softly, and whispered "I am glad you are not sulking."
***Milady***
It was way after midnight when Scarlett tiptoed barefoot in the corridor, slipping into Rhett's dormitory. His eyes were open, and she let out a breath of relief.
"I hoped you would be awake."
Without waiting his invitation she slipped under the covers and cuddled in his arms.
"Just today I told Careen that my heart was taken by someone who wasn't Charlie for ages" She whispered "And I told her that now it is yours to have. And you know what she said?"
"Do tell me" He replied as his hands pulled her to his bare chest.
"That I love you dearly."
"I'm a fool".
"And a varmint and a rascal." She giggled to his chest
After a while her muscles grew stiff as the thought of the convent came to her mind once more. She confessed the entire conversation they have had.
"I don't like you going swimming on your own."
"Don't be a fool, Rhett, who would come there?"
"The county is filled with vagabonds and veterans, Scarlett. Don't be a child. Besides, what good would the pistol do, you wouldn't know how to use it!"
She drew a long breath.
"I used it."
He lit the candle and sat prying through her face.
She swallowed hard.
"One day a Yankee deserter arrived here. My sisters were out in the back garden and close fields and so were Pa and all the rest, except Melly and the kids. I saw him holding Ma's jewelry in his hands, as he approached me I shot him dead." The tears she hadn't shed for the incident before were not pouring. No, she was numb when she spoke.
"Melly came out of her room with nothing but her night-gown and Charlie's sword as soon as I shot. She told my sisters that I was cleaning the pistol and that it fired. We buried him together in a low pitch where the vine grows. She is the only one who knows."
"Why haven't you told me?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. I knew something was bothering you. I thought you were still, well never mind what I thought. It must have been this, was it not?"
"How can you want me after that?" She asked.
"Didn't I tell that God would have to help the Yankees if they found you?!" He smiled, but she realized he was not mocking her. "No dearest, nothing you do can make me not love you."
They were silent, and Scarlett felt that sleep was claiming her "I should go"
"All right. But tomorrow we shall go to Charleston to that church of yours. I'll be damned if I keep doing with these crumbs that you let me have on grounds of propriety."
"Why is that? I thought you liked the outdoors."
But to her surprise he did not raise to another barb and answered simply "I want to bed you in a bed, like a man and his wife are supposed to."
When she was by the door he said "Darling, we can take Careen with us. I think that going, even if it is to see the convent will do her good."
She jumped at him kissing him lengthily "You are good to me!" Her kiss surprised him and after a few moments, as she no sign of withdrawal he pulled her back under the covers whispering - "Stay. I promise I will send you safely to your room before dawn." She hesitated. "I won't do any harm" He smiled.
"You've done enough, haven't you?"
"Only good, my dear, only good." And he held her in his arms as they both drift to sleep.