"I never thought this is what losing control means" she muttered slowly as her fingers followed the path of the narrowing line of hair in his abdomen. He was still trying to gather his breath.
Ever since the news of her pregnancy broke he became more careless then she could ever imagine him in their love making. He'd take her passionately abandoning any and every reserve he's had. He'd encourage her to talk during their lovemaking and he'd talk scandalously to her describing her intimate parts as he felt them during the haze of their coupling.
The following days of their voyage they turned into a persistent routine. He'd take her half sleeping to the deck to pass her morning sickness in the early hours after dawn with the sea air, wrapped in covers and leaned to his chest as only crew members were to be seen on the deck in those hours. She'd doze off leaving him to read or talk to the crew members passing by. She was sleeping long hours during the day with first term fatigue and the sensations the sea air and sailing brought upon her.
After a light brunch near noon he'd make love to her in their chamber for hours, and again during the night, insisting they'd stay completely nude for sheer amusement during the entire time.
"I am more naked, these days, than dressed" she laughed one afternoon as she watched the sun set in the sea from their chamber and tried to find a piece of undergarment to put on. The only sign for her pregnancy was the heaviness in her breasts at the time.
"Don't bother dressing just yet" he said, "Come here, you are changing".
Embarrassed at his observation she tried to cover herself up but he took her hands in his "It's beautiful, Honey, don't look away. Your skin is shining, your hair is thicker if that is possible and your breasts -" his voice became thick and strain "words won't do them justice. You are more alluring than the nymph I took at the field in Tara some months ago."
His hands were holding as if weighing both her breast, and despite the strange position she marveled at his admiration "Rhett, you are so indecent that words won't do you justice."
"You wound me, darling. But I suppose none of those peahens you associated during the war would enjoy such words, whereas you do."
He became serious a few minutes later – "Darling, have you taken time to think of the impact of our social standing, or lack of, on our child. Wade is received on account of his deceased father and aunt, whereas my offspring will undoubtedly be…"
"Admired and loved by us." She insisted with an iron tone.
"Darling, I think we might want to consider otherwise." He was quiet at his talk "Children can be so cruel if one does not fit in. You wouldn't want your child to endure what I had to."
She was thinking of his words and with a dark feeling she turned to him –
"Your parents had a social standing and I bet you tried to fit in, just as I have. Wasn't it stronger than you?"
His eyes became hard – "It's a child we are speaking of, not my selfish-self or you for that matter."
"What exactly do you mean, Rhett? That when we return I should start dancing at Mrs. Meriwether's flute? Stop socializing with 'simple' people or stop going to the bank with you? If that is your intention, I fear this will be a one time I shall not be able to obey you – even IF I try, not that I think there would be any use in wasting my energy on that."
After some silence she tried a pleading, softer tone -
"Rhett, you gave it a real hard struggle to make me accept your views regarding the irrelevance of a reputation. I followed YOU. Don't you dare get cold feet on me now. I, no WE, shall raise free children, free to choose their lives, ways and friends. We will just have to be strong and happy enough for them so as to make them happy."
***Milady***
She found London and Liverpool dreary and smelly.
True to his word, Rhett involved her in each and every meeting he'd have on his business matter. One morning he asked her to take his place in a meeting regarding insurance issues of the new fleet he was building.
"Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure. I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you could handle it."
"I just don't feel that these people would listen to me."
He looked at her from his tall stance half smiling "Scared? I can't and won't believe it."
"I'm not scared, I'm realistic" she sighed at him.
"Darling, nobody gives you room in businesses. You take your stand or you have none."
By the end of the week she was handling the entire part of that business on her own. One morning with a specific harsh nausea she was deferring the opinion of a banker named Jonathan Varney with amazingly huge grey whiskers that reminded her of Dr. Mead's appearance. That accompanied with her poor state was more than enough to put her on the aggravated scale of the matters.
The argument became rather heated when the gentleman waved at her dismissingly with his hand saying "We shall wait for Captain Butler, Madam, for I fear we are at an impasse."
"I assure you that Captain Butler gave me full credence to decide on our behalf" she insisted, attempting to keep her ire under control.
"Nevertheless indulge my hesitance in waiting for his presence in the afternoon to clarify our differences."
It took most of her will power not to stomp her foot (or step on his foot) and to gracefully conclude –
"In that case, sir, only due to lack of time to assure your hesitance I am afraid we shall not be needing your good services. I am sure there are several banks that would be more than happy to grant us the specifications I have reasonably required, hence, in a nation governed by a queen they would most likely be of a more honorable attitude to a lady of business."
The man became pale, but she did not bother to look at him as she started to take her leave –
"Wait, Mrs. Butler, let us not be hasty in our inferences. I assure you I meant no disrespect, but merely wanted you husb… Captain Butler's opinion as a mediator. However, if time is of such essence, well, I'm sure we will be able to come to terms."
She turned to him thinking that if he does not decide rather quickly she just might vomit to his face on his shining boots – "Well? What is your final conclusion, sir?"
Swallowing hard he gave her a proposition she accepted and not too soon she was at the ladies room clearing her stomach from its' content.
"How on earth did you get that pompous Varney to take this outrageous offer?!" her husband laughed during the afternoon as he went through the papers, "was he drunk, or smitten by your beauty?"
She leaned backwards – "Wouldn't you like to know?!"
"Oh?" his right brow went up amusedly "Is there a story?"
"I was in a bit of a haste to finish our meeting, so he concurred to most of my requirements. If he hadn't been such a patronizing conceited ass, I wouldn't have been so hard on him, as it was." She shrugged dismissively.
"Ass? My Mrs. Butler, you are learning to swear. Is that yet another one of the many traits I bestowed upon you?
"Don't flatter yourself. Pa could swear much better than you."
He was feeling that something was still missing - "Why were you at Haste?"
"I was feeling the nausea getting the best of me and he annoyed me."
He roared laughing – "I should send you real early to meetings so you benefit us some profit out of that temper you get when you feel like that."
"You are a skunk!" she laughed.
Despite the pregnancy they were happy, happier than each imagined life could be. The daily partnership created a new level of intimacy that granted both a sense of companionship.
One afternoon on the ship back to America, as Scarlett was looking at her husband asking him of his thought he managed to articulate the sensation that was built between them during those weeks –
"I look at the horizon, and for the first time I don't feel or seek the loneliness I used to seek in these waters. All my life, as a boy and a man, I loved the sea. It's dangerous and you are truly alone, with only the sound of the waves and your soul. Especially when you are captain and your crew members are ignorant rough souls, as they usually are. I feel the life these waters consist, and I feel you, with me. I never intended to have you so under my skin and in my soul."
She smiled –
"During the war I waited for you to tell me you loved me so I could punish you for all your wrongdoings and horrible barbs." She laughed.
"You can still do it" he smiled.
"Could I? You are the only person in the whole world who likes me for what I am. Who encourages me to be what I want to be. Father was like that, but only him, and now you. Well, perhaps Melly as well, in a way. I don't want to pull an act of repentance when we return with the old guard. It would mean that I should have listened to that old witch Meriwether when she tried to dissuade me from marrying you. I won't ever apologize for you or for what I did with you."
"Are you willing to suffer the consequences?"
"Haven't I been willing at Rough and Ready and ever since? I threw away all my upbringing as I gave myself to you. I will not apologize, Rhett. If any, she should apologize to me for being such a meddling brute!"
"You are so young, darling."
Her smile was devilish.
"Why the smile, Scarlett?"
"I was just contemplating and it came to me that my age means that she will die way before me, or you, for that matter"
At that answer he couldn't hold his laughter anymore – "So when our children complain regarding the social stance we shall simply ask them to wait patiently for the grand lady to hit the bucket?"
"They will never complain. They will look up to you and admire you just as I do." She answered, now serious.
"You admire me?"
She raised her eyes at him – "More than you'll ever be able to know. If our children have a glimpse of you they shall want nothing more than the freedom you grant them, as you have granted me. Freedom of heart, mind and soul. A freedom you had never been given by your father. Don't you see that?"
He held her a long time unable to articulate his sentiments to words. She felt his chest tighten with emotion, and trying to ease him a bit she added –
"If, however, you charm your way back to society, as you have with Maybelle's wedding dress and your bonbons during the war, I shall not stand in your way, as long as you do not expect me to share the façade with you."
"And to think that I gave you much more credit for being a capable hypocrite! Alas! Could I tempt you perhaps with a nice bonnet or a gaudy ring?"
"Only with huge diamonds!" her eyes sparkled at the thought, and as he saw it he laughed heartedly –
"The biggest you can find, that you'll have, with or without the façade. Give you have bestowed your favors on me as you have " she bit him with her fist indignantly as a lady passed them by at that moment and he continued, not the least bit bothered by her reaction "that is your admiration and adoration as you say, it's the least I could repay you with."
"A huge diamond Rhett! I mean it." And they laughed as the infinite ocean smiled with them.
***Milady***
The part when Scarlett gives an ultimatum due to first term nausea is taken from an episode in my own life some 10 years ago… As for the themes - I always hated how Rhett blackened and trashed Scarlett's reputation. Nevertheless, I always gave him credit for being a true feminist in a changing world. In my idealist world I like them to be working together, and for her to make him feel less alone, more admired and loved. I suppose that this is why GWTW was such a perfect book – the wounds it left just needed this healing. I suppose that idealism and stories just don't make and interesting material. R&R. Melanie shall be reappearing next chapter.