Stan's POV
It's dark outside, nothing but street lights luminating the empty street next to the park Z and I go to. What is going on here?
I see Z biking down the road, like he normally does. Why am I having a dream about Z?
Suddenly he skids into the other lane, too sudden for the car on that lane to stop or slow down. My mouth opens with a silent scream as I could do nothing at the moment with my feet frozen to the ground. Time seems to slow down as I'm forced to watch this accident happen.
The car collides with the bike, crushing the wheels under it. I hear a loud thud as Z is thrown headfirst onto the hood before crashing into the windshield
I feel my heart crush as I watch Z's body rolling off the car and falling limp onto the asphalt. I let out a silent cry and suddenly it was gone. I jolted up in cold sweat. I'm back at the cove, but something feels wrong. The air is colder and there's this shiver in my spine. I notice a shadow before me, I face up to look at it. With horror, I realize that it's Shelly standing over me.
What's she doing here?!
"Quite the paradise you created, huh little brother?"
I feel a sharp pain and tear in my abdomen, before I could stop myself, I look down and see a knife, the same knife that Shelly used on me all those years ago, in my body. That crooked smile on her face soon matches the bloodlust in her eyes as that smile widens into a mad-looking Cheshire grin, the knife turn inside me as she twists her wrist.
I collapse under the pain, falling limp onto her with the blood spilling from my lips. As I feel myself drowning in my blood and my consciousness fading, I notice her breath close to my ear as she whispers the last thing I hear before falling to darkness.
"I wonder, what it will take for you to turn this dream into a nightmare."
I wake up with a jump and shiver, I notice a pair of emerald green eyes staring at me with concern. He curls up next to me and holds my head to his chest, probably hoping his silent whispers and steady heart could calm mine from breaking a few ribs. I ignore it for now, focusing on my erratic breathing and the cold, thin layer of sweat sticking to me like a second skin.
He pulls back to look at me directly and I could see the heartbreak in his eyes when he does. I know what I must look like, eyes unfocused and blurry, panting and twitching like I just got my nerves shot from hell and back. In the back of my head, I'm screaming at my body to react, but my mind and body seem to be petrified with Shelly's sadistic grin imprinted in there. Kyle shouldn't have to see me like this.
"K-Kyle… I'm b-bleeding…"
Kyle looks at me, very confused and worried. I don't understand, I reach down to my abdomen, expecting the pain and the blood smearing across my palm. To my shock, I feel nothing. No pain, no sickening noises from the movements of my gaping wound and blood, not even a tear in the shirt I'm wearing.
This… makes no sense. Shelly was here. I was bleeding.
"You're OK, Stan. It's a dream. It's just a dream." I finally make out the words of his soft whispers, but at the moment it might as well have been white noise. In the comfort of his embrace, I try to regain my bearings.
What just happened? I saw Shelly standing over me just now, felt the knife pierces through my stomach and the warm red blood spilling from the cut, and I saw… Z, getting run over by a car.
That has to be a dream, but how come everything in my head is telling me that's real?
Kyle's POV
Waking up with your boyfriend damn close to a panic attack is a really bad time to wake up to, noticing people near the area while you're comforting and still naked with said boyfriend is even worse. It's a mess of fumbling limbs as we grab our shorts, slip our clothes back on and make ourselves decent before we traumatize any possible minors. We pack up our stuff and smile at a man walking his dog near the entrance to the cove, like we didn't spend the night there in each other's arms.
Stan, however, seems pretty shut off after his nightmare. I try asking about it every now and then, he doesn't say much about it but I hear him mutter something about Shelly and calling Z to check on him. Now he's taking a nap on the soft bed in that fancy ass hotel he saved up for us, but I can see the brows bunched up and his jaw clenched with nerves. Seeing him this closed off about it and still pretending that everything is OK… it hurts to now know that it's an act. Has he ever dropped his façade? Has he been acting this whole time, even around me?
Argh… I'm doing it again. This isn't about me. It's just… seeing Stan the way he is now reminds me of last night. Maybe this is a wake-up call, ever since that breakdown we had at Karaoke night we never talk much about our past anymore. Communication is a two-way street after all.
Now I just have to figure out how to spill the darkest corner of my thoughts to the boy who I can't live without again.
Great.
I get my chance after dinner. Tonight is our last night here in California, I really don't want our trip to end on a sour note. Stan mentions that he talked to Z and told him not to bike around for a while, which gives me an opening to ask him.
"Z is pretty lucky to have you looking out for him." I smile, his concern for Z is endearing. It reminds me of how protective I can be over Ike.
"I'm just doing what his brother should've done." Stan responds, part pride and part scowling at the mention of Z's stepbrother.
"About Z, I heard you mumbling about him when you woke up at the beach. Is it about your dream? Was he hurt?"
Stan goes silent for a moment and answers without taking his eyes off his plate, "… Yes."
OK. Obviously subtlety isn't gonna work here. Time to rip off the Band-Aid. "We should talk about this, Stan."
"Kyle, I really don't-" Stan starts his defenses before I cut him off.
"And you don't have to, not now. You have the choice of how much you wanna share with me, and that's fine. I haven't really been open with you either." I take a breath before I say what I've been preparing myself for. "You wanted to know why I'm still closed off. It's because I'm selfish."
"Being selfish in love to protect yourself is understandable. You don't want to get hurt."
"That's not what I mean. Ugh, why is this so hard!?" I clench my jaw with a fork I jabbed straight into my food, feeling frustrated and internal wincing at my outburst.
"Kyle, you don't have to tell me if you don't-" Stan tries in a calming voice before I cut him off.
"Just shut up! OK? You-you deserve to know what a shitty person I can be." I look down at my poor mutilated dish as I speak. I can't look him in the eye right now, but I can't stop now. I doubt I'd ever find the courage if I pussy out this time.
With my face hidden from Stan's gaze, I continue, "I told you that becoming a psychiatrist was my choice, but during high school I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up just doing what Ma asked me to do: take AP classes, focus on getting on the teacher's good sides, focus on IT, stuff like that. Ma wanted me to either become a lawyer and follow Dad's footsteps or become a doctor. But after I found out how much I wanted to help my friends and myself, I changed tracks and boy was Ma not pleased. She kept trying to convince me throughout high school to change my mind but after the day I showed her my acceptance letter from Boulder, she stopped and accepted it that I'm allowed to do what I want. I never felt so proud of myself… But then, I started thinking. I started to panic. I thought I made a mistake. For the first time everything wasn't clear to me. I had no set path and it scared me." My voice trembles a little from the sob I've been trying to hold back. "For a moment, I even angry at myself for not following Ma's orders. I was so confused and then I finally understood why. I kept following her orders because I was scared to think for myself, and now that I had my freedom, I was terrified of taking risks because I had no one to blame but myself. And the thought that I was using Ma as a scapegoat like that disgusted me. I hated myself and I hated that part of me still wants to follow her words for that reason."
I lift my head up, not knowing what kind of reaction I'd see on Stan. Unsurprisingly, he's shocked and speechless. "Kyle… I-"
I put my hand up to stop him from saying anything more. I don't need that. I just need him to know and understand what he's getting himself into. "Don't say anything. I just- You deserved to know."
"So it's not just the anxiety."
"It's feeding the anxiety if that paints a better picture."
Stan stays silent for a while with a thoughtful look on his face, before it shifts into a more determined smile as he nods, "I think I understand. I'm here for you if you need it."
As I hear those words and see that bright smile, I can only describe my feelings as an overwhelming feeling of awe and guilt. Out of every response that I thought Stan would say, I never even dare to dream that he'd be so understanding. I regain my speech and ask the one question that's been on my mind in a soft, vulnerable voice, "Stan, why are you still here?"
"Because I love you." Stan answers without missing a beat.
"Why?"
"Well, I could write you a song about everything I love about you." Stan chuckles and flashes that playful smile that he shows off to his fans, yet somehow it feels even more personal that way.
"God, Stan. Be serious." I laugh at my boyfriend's silly act before dropping my tone down to a more serious one. "I know the kind of baggage I have and you tolerated it even if you don't really understand it."
Stan's smile also changes from loud and flashy to a smaller smile that's more personal and humble, as he takes my hands into his and strokes his thumb over them, "Never make yourself sound like a burden. I love you, Kyle, which includes your faults. I'm not gonna leave you over something like that."
"Same to you too, Stan. I don't need you to tell me everything that's bugging you if you don't want to, but I hope you know that you don't have to be afraid of telling me things. I'm your boyfriend, and more importantly I'm your best friend. Just promise you won't forget that."
He nods, albeit a little more stiffed and reserved than I'd hope for, but it's a start. We go back to finishing our dinner before heading back to our hotel. The tension between us is still there, but much weaker than it was before. Once we enter our room, I press my lips onto his and kiss him with as much love and passion as I could pour into him. I have to show him how much I need him and I want to make sure that our relationship isn't gonna be strained by that talk. Plus, it's our last night here and I'd much rather spend time on that bed with Stan for that.
Kenny's POV
It's been about 3 days since Stan and Kyle left for their 'honeymoon' but I doubt Stan's gonna get any until day 4 at least. Things have been pretty quiet on our side. Tweek and I have pretty much got a routine down. Tweek drops me off the Harbucks before driving off in Kyle's car to class, he comes into work after class, and we either get pizza for dinner or go to a bar for the night. Either way, It's nice to walk around the house without watching those two having intense eyesex across the dining table, or watching Stan act all cuddly just so Kyle would give him a kiss. As sweet as it is, diabetes isn't a way I wanna die in and it's a lot harder to watch them be all couple-y after losing Charlie.
I know she's still talking to Kyle every now and then, I see the guilt in his eyes when he walks out of the room to answer her call. I really can't blame anyone for this. I broke up with her, all for my dumbass pride. I've thrown applications back and forth, but any job worth the paycheck isn't gonna take a kid with a high school diploma. I'm stuck in a dead-end job and now I'm gonna end up alone as one of those old fucks that glares at every lovely-dovey couple on a coffee shop date.
I wish I could blame someone. God, Satan, Cartman. But no, this is all my fault. I pushed my princess away and now she's probably better off without me.
I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes at the lady demanding that I make her a pumpkin spice latte even though it's off the menu. It's December for Christ sake! I mindlessly write the order on the cup and I step out to the back alley for a break.
The snowfall and cold might seem harsh, but when you grow up in a backwater mountain town and being the only family without constant heating for the night. Your body just learns to deal with it. What I can't stand is the sound of the happy-go-lucky Christmas carols playing on the streets.
It's times like these that make me miss South Park and Karen. I know the Brofloskis would take good care of her, especially now that Ike's watching out for her too. But, I miss my sister. I miss my family. It just reminds me how lonely I am. Karen has Ike and her friends back home, Stan and Kyle have each other, and Tweek still has his future and family supporting him. Me? I've got nothing and in the end, I'll be the one getting left behind.
"Kenny?" I hear a familiar voice and a mitted hand on my shoulder bring me out of my self-wallowing.
"Charlie?" I ask with a breath of disbelief. There she is, the girl that I lost and got away, right in front of me, like a dream.
Her hair is shorter and straight now, it's a bob cut with her hair no longer reaching her back but barely passing her shoulders. Her hair isn't the only difference, her attitude is not pink or overly feminine, it's a puffy white jacket with black tight jeans and a pair of mocha-colored boots that reach to her calf. She is also wearing a mint-green scarf that match the mittens on her hands. Her face is no longer caked with oversaturated makeup and I can see her sweet brown eyes without that bright colors of her eyeshadow painted on her. She looks fresher and more innocent now, not as tomboyish as when we start met, nor as dolled-up before we broke up.
"What are you doing out in the snow, Kenny?"
"Meh, what's the worst that can happen? Hypothermia? I get pneumonia and die again?" I shrug. Frankly, I couldn't give a shit anymore. But it's a nice thought that my princess cares.
"Haha, cute." She laughs drily before taking my hand and pulling me into the backroom of Harbucks. "Come on, I doubt Harbucks would be happy to find your body in an alleyway."
"What are you doing here, Charlie?" I have to ask, I still can't believe she's here. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but I haven't heard from you for weeks and last time we talked…"
"You broke up with me and you doubt I'd ever want to see you again?" She finishes lamely with a heartbroken smile.
"…Yeah."
"For a while, I thought that too. God, I was such a mess." She groans as she sits atop a short stack of boxes. "But, I got sick of the way I've been acting and picked myself up. And for that, I need closure too."
Oh… Yeah, of course. Well, I can do this more for her at least.
I lean against the wall behind me, facing her as we talk. "Yeah, OK."
She absently picks some lint off her scarf as she starts, "First thing's first. I wanna apologize for the way I was acting before. It sounds clichéd but that wasn't me. Not entirely. When I heard about all the girls you've been with, Tammy, Kelly…. And Bebe, I was so horrified that you'd leave me if I wasn't the kind of girl you were used to and that I can't give you what you want more than anything, a child of your own. So I made myself into something I'm not as a desperate attempt to convince myself that I can be what you want. When I was with my family, I had to play as Issac. I had to act like nothing was wrong for my family. I hated that, and I hated that none of my family would want me if they found out who I really was then. I thought I could finally escape that past when Kyle found me on top of the building that night; I thought I could finally be myself when Stan and Sue took me to you guys, but I didn't. I let myself fall into the same trap and put on a mask to be your girlfriend." She looks up to me with sad regretful eyes. "Kenny, I'm sorry I let my insecurities get in the way. You have been nothing but loving and kind to me since the day we met and you didn't deserve a fake version of me."
I quietly taking in each word she's saying. That's one good thing about being the quiet kid in school, you learn to listen. But what do you even say to that? How did I not know that so much of this has been haunting her while I was by her side? "God, I feel like such an ass. I broke up with you because I thought I'd be doing what's best for you and letting you find someone better than me. But all you've been doing is trying to do what I want." I choke on a sob, I can't break now. "Charlie, I'm not mad. And it's not the child I want more than anything, it's a family, one I'd build and care for with the one I love. I'm just sad that I made you believe that you weren't enough."
"It wasn't just you." Charlie interrupts, "It took me a while but I'm finally starting to find myself again once I stepped out of my room. I talked to some friends from my school, they accepted me for who I am and they've been helping me in small ways. I found hobbies and interests. I'm rebuilding myself, it'll take some time but one day I'll be happy with the girl I turn out to be. Because that'll be the real Charlotte, no masks, no façades."
"I'll look forward to that day. No matter who comes out by the end of all this, you'll still be Charlie. And you'll always be my princess." I smile at the thought of that. Fuck, I really do miss her. I don't know if I can watch her go a second time. "Charlie, I know you said you came here for closure but I don't want to lose you again. I'm not lying when I said you deserve the best, do you mind waiting for me? I'll find another job, I'll make sure you won't have to worry again."
She sits in silent contemplation before asking, "If I say yes, could you promise me something?"
"What?"
"Don't leave me again." She stands and cups her mitted hand over my cheek, "I know you've got self-esteem issues because of your childhood, but don't run away again because you don't think you deserve me. I chose you because I love you and I hope you would respect that. So please, just don't leave me again."
"I won't." I promise her as I lean into her touch.
"Then I don't need anything else. You don't need to do this alone, it's not 'you' or 'me', OK? It's 'we', and we will get through this. Got it?" She smiles, with what I can only hope are tears of joy and relief.
"Got it." I nod and pull her into a warm embrace. "I'm glad that you're back, princess. And you're more beautiful than I've ever seen you."
A/N: Welcome to the emotional exposition chapter. XD I needed a moment to explain everything that is going on with Charlie since her big-step-forward and to dive a little deeper into Kyle's psych. Plus, Kenny and Charlie are getting back together, they still have some bumps to deal with but things are turning up for them c:
Next time, we'll be seeing more of Z and Stan, as well as learning a little more about a blue-haired girl who hasn't shown up in a while c;
Fun fact: This is another aspect of my life that actually happened. I'm a communications student but my mom wanted me to stay on science. We fought and I won, I went through what Kyle felt and I felt so guilty for thinking that. Just letting you guys know, getting what you wish for is never the end-goal.
School's over for now, so I'll be working on posting chapters out a little faster as well as catching up with some stuff I've missed after so long XD
Anyways, as always feel free to check out the drama this story is based on, "It's Okay That's Love" by SBS. Please let me know what you think, reviews and comments make my day.
Take care, Loves.