Author's Note: Well. There was a delay. Finals hit hard for this poor freshman! But my last final is on Wednesday and then it's the Greyhound home for WolfishMoon. Updates will be more frequent for the next few months.

Disclaimer: WolfishMoon does not own Hiromu Arikawa's Fullmetal Alchemist or J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter. She never claims the contrary and makes no money off of the online publication of this free-to-read fanwork.

The Scientist's Lament

Chapter Five

Water to Whiskey

Alphonse wasn't expecting to find his brother in a hostile situation when he went to the school to pick him up. But there it was. Miss Hermione and a shabby man had sticks pointed stiffly to the ground as though they were handling guns. Ed looked ready to slap his hands together and the center of it all stood a woman with hair the color of a softly glowing light bulb seemed the center of it.

Al knew better than to run at them, he decided. So, with hands held at his sides in a clearly non-combative posture, he walked over to them. He was not quite recovered, he knew. His muscles might be able to withstand a fight, but Al wouldn't bet on it. And his fighting style was still the suicidal form of a being that could not bleed or tire or die.

"Brozer!" he called out, giving them fair warning that someone else was walking into the fray. Both Miss Hermione and the man jumped a foot in the air, shoving their sticks into their pockets. The golden haired woman froze mid-hair shake. And unless Alphonse was very much mistaken, the ends of that light-bulb hair was going subtly pink. "Vas going on?" he asked, nose crinkling at the effort of English. The Truth may have crammed the knowledge of all alchemy into his head, but it had not crammed all of the world's languages.

"Alphonse," Ed said. "I sink some introductions are in order."

Miss Hermione looked from Ed to Al and back again with a deep suspicion. "We can't trust you," she said.

And for the first time since Ed had started this teaching madness, he looked at someone as though they were his own age. "I vouldn't expect you to."

Al approached the group, hands still stiffly visible. "Vee know a sing or two about zat."

The man in the group looked exasperated above all things. He was clearly as paranoid as Miss Hermione, but there was something about him that spoke to Al of experience. And it was clear that he was used to taking point.

It was the shabby man who managed to diffuse the situation. "Why don't we take this to a tea shop, or something."

"That sounds good," the woman said. "Hermione, do you know any good muggle spots around here?"

Miss Hermione nodded, hackles finally beginning to lower. "I do."

"Let's move this there, shall we?" the man said. He then turned very pointedly to Ed, clearly unwilling to look away. "Lead the way, Hermione!"

They began to walk to wherever it was she had in mind - Al hoped that it wasn't the tea shop he'd just interviewed for a job with. This would not look good to a potential employer.

The man was clearly bent on continuing to diffuse the tension and talked with an easy, pleasant smile as they walked, "My name is Remus Lupin," he said. The smile was clearly forced, but it was soothing all the same. "I was a teacher once too, so I suspect we might have things in common."

"Mein bruder is still quite new at teachink," Al said, voice high and nervous but with a smile as pleasant as Mr. Lupin's on his face. "You might be able to give him some goot pointers."

"I am goot 'nough at it for sees delinquents," Ed said. "I don't need any pointers," he spit the last word, but Al could tell that his brother was venturing toward the good natured side of him. Wary and caustic, always, but friendly.

Miss Hermione sent Ed a withering look. "They're not that bad," she said.

"Yes. Yes zey are," Ed said. Mr. Lupin laughed.

Al slowed his pace to match the woman. "What's your name?" he asked.

She smiled - grimaced, really - at him. Her hair, he noticed had slipped into a mousy brown. "I'm Tonks and never you mind the first bit. You?"

"I'm Alphonse, Ms. Tonks," Al said.

Ms. Tonks blinked. "I'm having trouble believing you two are related."

Al smiled. "Vee do get zat alot, but ve're more alike zen people give us credit for."

"Right," Tonks said, gesturing ahead at Ed who was spazzing over something Mr. Lupin said.

"He has trouble vis authority."

Ms. Tonks was clearly preoccupied and proved it when she turned to Al and said, "How much did you see?"

Al shook his head. "Not much, Ms. Tonks." It was true, but... "Mein bruder vill tell me vat happened, if you are sinking zat I vill not know if I did not see."

Ms. Tonks blinked, laughed. "I think I knew that," she said. "Anyway, drop the Ms. It's just Tonks."

Al smiled at her. "I'm very used to - vats vord? - assuaging zee ausority my brozer pisses off. It might be hard habit to break. Vill try, sough."

Here, Tonks's laugh was real, and Al grinned.

As they settled in Hermione's before-school regular, the ball of dread in her stomach was not getting lighter. She looked to Professor Elric, analyzing his expression. It was tense, and Elric the younger was hardly better. Al was more open, with traces of a genuine smile lingering, but it was almost as tense as his brother.

"Vat happent?" Alphonse asked.

Everyone began to talk at once. Hermione was attempting to make her voice heard over the din and failed.

"Stop," Alphonse said. "Vone at a time. Ms. Tonks first."

Professor Elric looked surprised at Alphonse's sudden assertiveness, and Hermione privately agreed. Even in class, Alphonse wrangled respect and quiet obedience simply through his kind and patient nature.

But he may not be as kind or patient as all that, Hermione reminded herself. Something was clearly happening. And the Elrics held themselves was reminiscent of Professor Moody.

"It's just Tonks, remember?" Tonks said, brushing now-brown hair over her shoulder. She really was having problems morphing, Hermione realized. Tonks continued. "And fine. Your brother is clearly traumatized, and at the sight of one of my abilities, he panicked."

Professor Lupin sighed. "He basically attacked her."

"With a form of magic none of us have seen before," Hermione added.

"Bruder!" Al said. Following it up with a string of fast-paced German that Hermione had no prayer of following.

Professor Elric replied in indignant tones. Alphonse's eyes went wide and flew to Tonks guarded and slightly fearful.

Tonks seemed to understand immediately. She gave a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't know he was watching and I didn't know that he would react that way."

"Please understand," Alphonse said. "Zee shapeshifter vee knew vas very, very bad man. And vee did not know zat it vas power here zat people could haf. So my brozer assumed zat you vere him and zat he'd somehow survived and found us."

Oh. Hermione found that she could understand that. Her English teacher was a man with long, ice blonde hair and every time she looked at him she saw Malfoy at the Department of Mysteries.

"I guessed as much," Tonks said. "Moody gets like that sometimes."

Professor Lupin looked up sharply at that. And Hermione thought she knew why. This boy carried himself with roughly the same demeanor as Professor Moody. And he was fifteen.

"You have clearly told your brother of Tonks's power," Professor Lupin said. "And that leaves us with a conflict of interest. Ordinarily, we would take ministry precautions and erase your memories on the spot. But given Edward's display and your prior experiences with metamorphmagi, I think you're wizards."

Alphonse's eyes went wide. "Vizards? Brozer said nozing about vizards."

And then there was that fast paced German from Professor Elric again that Hermione could not keep up with try as she might. German was not a language she had studied. But Alphonse's slightly browner eyes were widening enough that Hermione could guess.

And with that, she made a decision - at roughly the same time Tonks did. Two wands were slammed on the table and Lupin looked about to puke.

"Wizards," Hermione said. "Well. Tonks and I are witches, really. But it's the same thing."

Tonks picked her wand back up and turned her glass of water to a glass of firewhiskey. The metamorphmagus downed it before screwing up her face. Her hair might have gone to a lighter shade of brown.

Alphonse looked to the elder Elric. "Zere vas no equivalence," Alphonse said.

"You don't hav zee stone, do you?" Professor Elric asked.

Tonks tilted her head. "What stone? It's just basic transfiguration."

"Wingardium Leviosa," came from Professor Lupin's corner and Tonk's glass rose.

A resigned look came over Professor Elric's face. "Not even zee stone coult do zat."

"And ven you eliminate zee possible," Alphonse quoted.

"Vizards," Edward said. "Alvayz knew zee Truss vas bastard, right bruder?"

"Bruder! I sought I hid zee English svear book from you!"

Hermione looked to Professor Lupin. "How do we handle, this?" she asked.

"We ask Mad Eye," he said. "Because hell if I know."

When they stood up to leave, Hermione went to Tonks and asked the same question. Tonks gave her a devious smirk, said, "Already on it. Sent Mad Eye a patronus an hour ago, and he says we check them for magic."

Hermione nodded, steeling herself.

She knew she was in for it when Tonks and Professor Lupin fired twin stunners while passing the first alley they saw.

The Chemistry teacher and his brother dropped like a stone, and while Professor Elric was considerably heavier to carry than he should have been, Alphonse was considerably lighter.

Word Count: 1593

Author's Note: I hope you liked this chapter! Tell me what you think. It is physically painful for me to describe Tonks as depressed as she is in book six - she's just so vibrant in my mind's eye. Thank you everyone for the reviews. I should be PMing you in the next few days - probably on the bus ride from the East Coast to the Midwest. Because something needs to happen those thirty hours.

Also, Anna! I wish you weren't an anonymous commenter! Your reviews are always constructive, thoughtful, and USEFUL. I'd love to discuss them with you!

Public Service Announcement: Ed's accent is here for the long haul. I feel that it is at least one complication in a set of events going way too smoothly given the circumstances. It may get lighter. It may disappear almost entirely. But it is here to stay. Same for Al's accent. If anyone, Al's accent will be the one to go away entirely, but for now it is thicker than Ed's.