Author's Note: Class has started up for me, and watching my time dwindle is painful. On the bright side, I decided to transfer to a local university after some family tragedy, so the three hours a day I now need to spend on the bus gives me time to write. Whoot.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hiromu Arakawa's Fullmetal Alchemist nor J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter. I don't ever claim the contrary and I make no money from the online publication of this free-to-read fanwork.

The Scientist's Lament

Chapter 18

Sorting

Ed wasn't quite prepared for the ruin of Hogwarts castle. Apparently, the first years were being taken on a winding scenic route that would give them an even more appalling few of the crumbling turrets, collapsed arches, and dilapidated brickwork as it emerged from the gloom of the evening. Ed couldn't comprehend that there might be a view more awful than the once he was being treated to. What were they trying to do? Traumatize the eleven year olds? That was the only endgame that made the remotest sense.

Somehow.

"Nobody told me zat zee school is a ruin," Ed said. "Vat zee fuck."

Stern looked down her nose at him. "It's an unofficial tradition. We wouldn't want to take away the awe of your first sighting."

Ed looked back out of the carriage, realizing that they were moving rather faster than the rest of the carriages. They overtook the one in the front. "Awe my ass. It's hideous."

"Ah," she said, putting a hand on his head and her wand to his temple.

"Vat zee shit?"

Before Ed could bat the wand away, here was a glow from the end of it and suddenly the ruin wasn't a ruin anymore. They were rounded a turn and suddenly Ed was blindsided by a perfect and stunning view of the functional castle. Stern tucked her wand back up her sleeve. "Muggle repelling charms. I was supposed to perform it before I brought you into the carriage, but you somehow managed to get that far without help."

"I realize now zat it helps to haff a purpose viz zese charms," Ed said. "It's easier to ignore zem vhen you haff specific reasons to bypass zem and rudimentary knowledge of zee entrance you're trying to go srough."

"And what was your purpose?"

Ed snorted. "Trying to get Harry off zee fucking train."

Stern sighed. "Tell me you'll clean up the language around the children."

Ed shrugged, brushing his bangs back from his face. "I'll try."

"You can't tell me it's a habit," Stern said, frowning at him. "English is a relatively new thing for you."
Ed laughed. "Alphonse burned my swear dictionary."

"And yet you learned them anyway, evidently."

"Ov course! I had one ov my Chemistry students write me a new one vor extra credit. Between you and me, zat is zee only vay he passed zee course. Only gave him zee opportunity because he vas actually trying."

"You're serious."

Ed reached into the inside breast pocket of his red coat, pulled out the little handwritten book, and handed it over to his colleague. "Absolutely."

Scrawled across the cover in surprisingly neat letters was the title: Pocket Guide to Swearing in English by Frankie Whelan.
McGonagall took it and opened the booklet, snorted at the more formal heading on the inside. Frankie Whelan, Chemistry, Mr. Elric, Period 1. "He took this seriously," she said, flipping through the pages and eyeing the carefully aligned columns of swears, their English connotations, and the German equivalent.

"He had a passion vor slang and could not remember chemical concepts no matter how vrequently he came to my office hours. And Al vouldn't dare destroy a gift vrom student." Ed cackled at that last bit. That had, in fact, been the real end game.
Stern handed the book back to him. Ed rather unnecessarily smoothed the pages before tucking it back into his pocket and looking out of the window. "Vhy are vee going so fast?"

"I need to be there in time to bring the first years in and you need to be there in time to be settled at the staff table before the upper years get there."

"Vhy?" Ed said. "Vat is zee point?"

"Dumbledore likes to have the teachers there as a united front during the sorting. Besides, I'm sure you would like to see your younger brother sorted."

Ed remembered some vague bullshit about houses. But did he even want to see Alphonse go through those rites of passage specific to wizards? He shook himself free of that thought. Edward wanted to cheer Al on through everything, even if there was a blossoming worry in his chest about being irrevocably separated from his brother.

"I appreciate zat," he managed to say.

The carriage pulled up to the castle and, even despite McGonagall's spell, Ed had to fight against an irrational impulse to run away from the plainly bad news dilapidated wreck that half of his brain still saw Hogwarts as. But Stern placed her hands between his shoulder blades and shoved him through the doors. Once he was through them, the feeling faded entirely.

"Sank you," he said, English suddenly nigh impossible. "Efen viz zee spell sing zat muggle repel shit vas," Ed shuddered. He didn't have words for what it was, let alone in English.

"The founders were unfriendly to muggles," McGonagall said, leading him through another set of doors to a giant room with five tables. "It was during the middle ages. You can't blame them."

Ed could blame them as much as he damn well pleased. He looked up, to avoid the curious stares of the adults situated on the fifth table that was set on a sort of elevated stage from the vacant other four tables. What he saw there was enough to almost make him forgive those selfsame founders.

During the trek into the building, the sky had turned almosy full dark. A wild array of stars were scattered across the what must be the sky, a last streak of pink invading the midnight blue from the west.

Granger had made both Ed and Al read Hogwarts: A History so he logically knew that there was a ceiling there and it was simply under a few powerful enchantments, but even having the information did nothing to detract from the sheer awe of actually seeing it.
There were a few chuckles, and that brought Ed back to reality. His attention snapped not only to Stern but also to the staff table.
In the center of it sat Old Man Dumbledore himself and scattered around that half of the table were the people Ed assumed were his coworkers. The seating arrangement was clearly to discourage general hullaballoo throughout the rest of the hall, as every single seat was placed to face the room.

In this world, Ed knew, there was a painting the scene greatly resembled. But he couldn't quite put his finger on which. He knew there was a betrayer in it though, and the irrational part of his brain wondered how far the comparison held true.

To Dumbledore's right there were two open seats. Ed assumed that the closer one was for Stern herself and that the one to the right of it was for him. On the other side of those seats sat a morose and greasy looking man. Sandwiched between Stern and Sullen then. Fantastic.

Ed was thrilled that to Dumbledore's left sat Nyorok, clearly in attendance to help with the distribution of wands to first years. To Nyorok's left sat a man who was a little taller and a little less gnarled. That must be the Lit Candle person, Ed thought. What was his name? Litwick? Something. But Nyorok must have situated himself near the half goblin on purpose, putting himself next to the only person besides Ed in the Hogwarts staff that he could actually abide by. Fair enough.

"Ceiling's impressive," Ed said. "Slept enough nights under the stars that I appreciate a system that gives you the beauty without the inconveniences." That brought the chuckles to a dead halt. A good portion of the staff looked disturbed at the notion of their newest and youngest staff member sleeping under the stars, but Ed ignored the concern. There wasn't much he'd take back about his unconventional childhood. It had all served some purpose in making him the person he was today at sixteen years old.

And for all of the pain and uncertainty, Alphonse had his body back. That effectively negated the last of his serious regrets. Sleeping outside only got annoying in winter or when it rained.

Ed stepped up the elevated platform and stood across from Nyorok and Litwick. "You must be Edward Elric," Litwick said. "I am Fillius Flitwick, the charms professor. Please call me Fillius."

Oh. Flitwick. What kind of stupid name was that? At least Litwick made sense, if you were set on naming your son after a candle. But Flitwick? Ed nearly stuck out his left hand before remembering that there was no good reason not to extend his right as was custom. He adjusted, and gave his new colleague as firm a handshake as his recovering grip strength would allow. "Call me Ed. I'm looking forward to working with you."

Fillius beamed. "You know, I was thrilled to hear that you enjoy a friendship with Garrick. There aren't many wizards who can keep up with him!"

Ed wasn't sure to grin at Fillius's lack of hesitation at the look of him or to be slightly insulted by the lack of emphasis on wizard. Either Dumbledore had not mentioned Ed's non-magical status or Fillius had entirely forgotten. He wasn't sure which scenario he liked better.
But either way, of all the staff, Flitwick was the only one to reveal no hesitation in extending friendship and so Ed decided not to try and read into slights that may or may not even be there.

"Where have you and Nyorok put the wand station?"

"There's a back room to the Great Hall," Fillius said. "I set up a table and arranged the wands by wood, length, and core."

Ed nodded. "As good a system as any."

"We were planning on having any students who need one come up after the feast," said the woman next to Fillius. "That way they don't have to single themselves out right away before or after being sorted."

"And you are?" The woman had a kindness to her that struck Ed in a spot close to his chest. This was a woman who was clearly hardworking, kind, with a little mischievousness thrown in, who took absolutely no shit. A Paninya, perhaps. Just older and accustomed to being entrusted with the care and keeping of hundreds of rambunctious little shits, and without the trauma and poverty of Paninya's early life.

"Pomona Sprout," she said, with a gleam in her eye. "I would be somewhat out of the way, as I spend most of my time in the greenhouses, but feel free to come to me for any help, if ever I'm the most convenient option."

Ed smiled. "Thank you," he said. If ever he did decide to visit the greenhouses, he would probably need Sprout's help just to get back into the main building!
That was a depressing thought. Every time Ed went outside it would be a fight to return to the castle. Shit.

"As to the wands," Flitwick interjected. "Each of the students for whom acquisition was an issue was given a notice in their letters about the plan. So they know where to go and when."

"And I didn't varrant a heads up?"

Nyorok snorted. "There isn't plenty of time to inform you now? I didn't realize that you absolutely had to have a note. I take back what I said about you being saner than wizards."

Comparing someone to a wizard was probably the worst insult in Nyorok's arsenal but his tone was light enough that he may have been joking. Maybe.

Ed glared at him good naturedly. "Oh yeah, because I'm zee one who educates children in a castle."

"Well," Nyorok said. "Technically you are."

Ed cursed. He would be teaching pre-teen and teenaged wizards alchemy in a castle in the morning. Right. "Zee crazy is contagious. I'd vatch out Nyorok, you spend a lot ov time around zem."

Nyorok glowered and twisted around to spread his ire to the various wizards sitting at the table. The bulk of them looked vaguely offended, but Flitwick was nodding along. Sprout and Dumbledore both looked amused, and McGonagall had no visible change to her expression except in that the corners of her tightly pursed mouth might have pulled up just a smidgeon.

Ed rolled his eyes and stomped around to the side everyone seemed to be sitting on and took his place in the seat he assumed was for him. He stuck out his hand to the sullen man on his right. "Edward Elric."

The man scowled at him. He looked highly offended at the gesture. "Severus Snape."

"I took a shower zis morning," Ed said suddenly. "So maybe you stepped in dog shit, but I hope I'm not zee reason vhy you look like you're smelling somezing foul."

"Are you planning to be this crass around your students?" Snape's lip curled when he spoke and Ed wasn't sure if he was supposed to be hurt by this over-the-top expression of disdain.

Ed shrugged. "I find it helps. Zee more a student relates to zeir teacher, zee harder zey tend to try."

Snape's expression turned into an outright scowl. "Leniency gets a class nowhere."

Ed stared at him. "Vhen zee fuck did I say lenient? If zey don't step up to bat zey haff to be out."

"Excuse me, Edward. Did you say out?" Old Man Dumbledore peered around where McGonagall was taking her seat.

Ed nodded. "Zee price is too high. I vill be taking every precaution against rebounding arrays. Zat means zat if a child doesn't understand certain concepts and consistently doesn't put in zee necessary vork, zey cannot be allowed to continue." Snape looked vaguely impressed, now.

"I'm afraid we don't kick students permanently out of classes in the middle of a semester at Hogwarts," Dumbledore said.

"Is not a Hogwarts sing," Ed said. "It's a me sing. If you vant me to give zem bullshit grade vor semester, I vill. But I von't keep on students who are a danger to zemselves or to zeir classmates. Alchemy is not a core class, I don't see vhy it matters."

Dumbledore sighed, and Ed could see the mental math happening behind his eyes. Ed very much liked being a man that was exhausting to argue with.
Well. Boy, he supposed.

"Fine," Dumbledore said. "If you insist."
Snape's expression had taken a very sudden turn from murderous to hero worshipping. Ed nodded at him, and turned his attention to the main floor of the hall. The big double doors on the end had been flung wide and students began to enter in a flood of pointed black hats.

McGonagall had not taken the seat available to her and now she disappeared. It wasn't until the crush of upper year students found their seats that Stern reappeared, a herd of small children and Alphonse following at her heels.

In her hands was an incredibly ragged hat and a wobbly stool that were placed front and center of the room.

Once settled, with the first year students fanning about her to give the stool a rather wide berth, she pulled a list from a pocket and began to read off names.

What followed ranked among the strangest non-lethal things Ed had ever seen. The hat began to sing, first years cloistered around it and all. Ed spared a glance at Alphonse. He looked thunderstruck. Ed winced; he was pretty thunderstruck himself. It took more self control than Ed had even six months ago to keep himself from demanding answers right then and there in front of everyone.

Teaching high school chemistry had taught Ed the value of patience, somewhat.

The singing didn't last long – the song gave a rundown on houses and the history of the school itself and encouraged students to look beyond the house divisions before falling silent.

Once it became clear that the rip in the fabric at the front of the hat wasn't going to open a second time, McGonagall called the name of the first student.

The hat was perched on the student's head and after a moment it declared *Slytherin!* to some applause. The little girl stood, placed the hat back on the stool, and went to the table dressed in green and silver where the pretty dark haired girl from Malfoy's compartment tersely pointed at a seat.

The line went by quickly. There were a few students who stayed on the stool for minutes, but the vast majority required the deliberation of a few moments before being placed at a table. And then it was done.

Alphonse stood awkwardly by himself, having not been called with the rest of the Es, while McGonagall rolled up her list and turned to the staff table. The Old Man stood.

"Welcome Students, new and old! The time for speeches is not yet upon us, but there is one matter of business that must still be attended to before we can tuck into our feast! Please join me in welcoming the first transfer student Hogwarts has had the pleasure of receiving in over three hundred years, young Alphonse Elric!"

Al jumped about a foot in the air as the collective gazes of the student body turned back to him. Stern gestured him to the stool. He sat, body limp and surprised. Sheepishly, he pulled the conical black uniform hat off his head, and ducked as the Sorting Hat replaced it.

For a good five minutes, silence reigned. Whispers swept through the room. Ed spared a look at Malfoy, who had not yet noticed Ed at the head table. He was shaking his head, no doubt cursing the rather public entrance of his new ally.
Ed looked back to Al, and finally the hat's rip opened. "Ravenclaw!"

There was an audible Aw hell! from the Gryffindor table, but Ravenclaw was enthusiastic about their welcome. Al gamely plucked the hat from his head and joined his new classmates, sitting opposite the Luna girl.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "Tuck in!"

Immediately, the hall erupted in a cacophony of voices. Ed shook his head and reached for a chicken leg. "Don't they use tongs in Germany?" said the Snape man. Ed was torn between sheepishly reaching for the tongs or just wrapping his hand around the leg that had caught his fancy.

He decided on the power move. "Tongs?" he said in an innocent voice. "Vat is zat?" He tore into the drumstick.
McGonagall, who had just sat down, snorted. Snape looked dumbfounded. Ed smirked around a mouthful of chicken and very pointedly used the tongs to scoop some green beans onto his plate. "Ov course vee fucking use tongs."

Snape scowled, but Ed had realized that was the man's permanent expression. So he playfully punched the potions professor in the shoulder. This would be a long year if he didn't manage to befriend his coworkers.

Draco Malfoy had always considered Albus Dumbledore to be a fool but, he'd never viewed him as a personal foil until he'd been ordered to kill him. And suddenly, he hated Dumbledore like he'd never hated him before.

This was thrown into sharp relief when Dumbledore felt the need to announce the arrival of his new ally with the sort of fanfare only a Gryffindor would think up. True enough, the wizard Elric's (the only Elric worth noting, really) arrival would have been almost more conspicuous had nothing been said. Five complete and entirely unalike rumors would have been circulating by the time dinner was over. Still, it was the principle of the thing.

Alphonse Elric, thankfully, had not been sorted into the house of the brash and brazen. It was a small miracle, honestly, with the mudblood having already been brought into Potter's little crew. Draco was not thankful for 6, but he was thankful for that. So with the white trim of Al's robes turning blue and bronze, he relaxed.

Throughout dinner, he did not look at the staff table. He did not wonder where the elder, muggle, Elric was. That Edward fellow was a muggle anywho. What did he matter?

Young Draco Malfoy was in for a nasty fucking surprise when Dumbledore announced the staff changes.

What!

Word Count: You know what none of my counters are agreeing right now. Somewhere between 3400 and 3600.

I wanted more to happen in this chapter, I'm not gonna lie. But we somehow ended up well past three thousand words and I knew that if I added more I'd end up saddled with doubling the length. It's September 13th. School is ramping up for me. This chapter needed to get out.

On the bright side, I have a pretty clear idea of where the next chapter is gonna take us and with any luck I'll be able to get it out pretty quickly depsite school and work.

Hope you enjoyed, tell me what you thought!