13
Bella slipped her hand into Jasper's as they walked out of Alice's hospital room. She knew Edward needed her support, but so did Jasper. He was all alone. His everything was fighting for her life, fighting to find the will to live, and fighting to belong. Bella hated that Alice was hurting, but she was also angry that she was willing to throw Jasper away so carelessly. Didn't she understand how much he needed her?
"Jesus fucking Christ," Jasper muttered under his breath as Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rose stood from their seats just inside the waiting room. "I can't deal with them. I just . . . I can't . . ."
"Then we won't," Bella said, shaking her head as Rose took a step toward them. Bella pulled on Jasper's hand, leading him away from everyone, away from the very people who had turned their backs on him and Alice.
She felt anger toward her family, the same people who had held her hand when a tumor stole her voice, when a fire destroyed their family, when cancer robbed her of her health. Yet, when Alice and Jasper needed them, they weren't there. That was something she couldn't understand, or forgive. At the moment at least. Maybe one day.
"I was jealous of you," Jasper said as they reached the end of the hallway. He pulled his hand out of hers and placed it against the cool glass. He frowned. "After the fire, when they found the tumor, and you lost your voice, I was jealous."
"Why?" she asked, surprised by his confession.
"Because people left you alone," he said, shifting his attention outside. "They didn't ask you how you were all the time, try to get you to share your feelings. Maybe you're right and they pitied you, or maybe they didn't care. I wanted them not to care about me, to just let me be, but they didn't. Guess that's why I turned into such an asshole."
"You weren't an asshole to me," Bella said with a smile.
"You would have seen right through me if I had been." Jasper shifted so that he was facing her. "You were the only person I couldn't bullshit."
"Were?" Bella asked, lifting her brows.
"Alice," was all he said.
Bella nodded, sucking the inside of her lip between her teeth as she looked back down the hallway. "I failed you, didn't I?"
"What?" he asked, drawing her attention back to him. "What are you talking about, Bella?"
"I failed you," she whimpered. "I met Edward and pushed you away, made you feel unneeded. He became my rock, my shelter. You used to be the one I turned to when I missed my mom and dad, or when I got angry about not being able to speak. You were my person, and then I met Edward and he became my person."
"Can't believe you're referencing Grey's Anatomy right now," he chuckled, nudging her with his shoulder. He'd been the only person until Edward came along who would binge it with her, even if he did hate it. "You didn't fail me, Bella. You fell in love. I fell in love. That's what is supposed to happen. In a normal world, at least."
"Because our world has always been so normal," she scoffed, turning and leaning against the wall. "Why'd you wait so long to reach out to us? You and I texted each other at least fourteen times a day, Jas. You never once said Alice was in trouble."
Jasper sighed. "You had enough to deal with. I wasn't about to add my shit on top of it. Emmett was being a dick about you leaving, Esme's been in la la land ever since she left her job at the school. Rose. . . Well, Rose can't have a baby."
"What?" Bella asked, frowning. "What are you talking about?"
"I shouldn't be the one telling you this, but she and Emmett started trying for a baby a couple years ago. About a year ago, she had some tests done and, well, I don't know all the details, but they told her it would be unlikely that she'll ever be able to get pregnant."
"Oh, man, why didn't they tell me?" Bella asked, though she already knew the answer. "Never mind, I already know."
"You were already dealing with so much with the cancer coming back and getting your voice back," he rambled.
"So?" she countered. "Don't you see the problem here? Yes, I had cancer. I lost my voice, my mom and dad will never come back to me. But, Jas, you lost your mom and dad, too. And Rose and Emmett have been dealing with not being able to have a baby, and Esme . . . Well, she's been a mess for a long time. Don't even get me started on Carlisle," Bella groused. "You and Alice should have been able to come to us, or them. We're supposed to be a family, and instead of being a family, everyone's keeping shit from each other and pretending that everything is fine."
"I'm pretty sure that's exactly how families work," he said.
"No, it's not," she disagreed. "You should have come to us when Alice first started spiraling, Jas. And Edward and I should have made more effort to help her. And —"
"And we should have done more." Bella and Jasper turned and found Esme standing a few feet behind them. Bella's shoulder tensed and she sighed. "Alice is awake."
Jasper shifted his eyes down to Bella before taking off back to her room. Bella made to follow, but Esme put her hands up and stepped in front of her. "Just give me a few minutes," she said.
Bella nodded, but didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry. We're sorry. We didn't intentionally turn our backs to them."
Once again, Bella just stood there and stared at her sister.
"Would you say something?" Esme exclaimed.
"What do you want me to say?" Bella asked. "I don't understand."
"When Alice decided to apply for the art program, Carlisle and I were shocked. She'd been so resistant to change, yet here she was making this huge moment. We thought she'd had a breakthrough in her healing. And Jasper was going with her, so it wasn't like she was going to be alone. I guess, a part of us was relieved that we'd be able to focus on us for a while."
Bella frowned.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Esme insisted.
"Didn't you?" she challenged. "Mom and Dad fell and you were saddled with me. I didn't make it easy, either. I had cancer. I lost my voice. I became your first concern. You think I don't know how many men asked you out only for you to say no because of me?"
Esme didn't deny the accusation.
"I'm sorry that I became your burden, that your life was put on hold because I got sick. I didn't ask to have cancer!"
"I know you didn't," she said. "I've never blamed you for anything, Butterbean."
"You say that, but maybe that's a lie." Bella sighed. "I'd sit around the table at dinner and listen to the way you and Em would pick at each other, watch him and Rose sharing loving glances. I hated it. Hated just sitting there until to really be a part of the family."
Esme opened her mouth to argue, but Bella kept speaking. "I didn't have a future. I'd graduate from high school and maybe go to college, get a job, but I'd never really live. Nobody was going to love me, nobody was going to want me. But then I met Edward and he didn't care that I couldn't speak. He didn't talk down to me, or avoid me, or treat me like a freak. He loved me and I found myself loving him in return. And not even cancer could break us apart."
"That's how I feel with Carlisle," Esme said, quietly. "He understands me, loves me. When Edward called and told him that Alice was missing, he was so scared, so pissed with himself. I . . . I thought he might hurt himself."
Bella wasn't sure what to say. She knew how hard Carlisle had worked to control his urges to cut himself. He'd gone through therapy at the request of the hospital after he'd almost died from one of his episodes, as Edward called it.
"We were scrambling to find the money for a flight out, and all he kept saying was he had failed her." Esme brought her hand up to her mouth, stifling a sob. "All I could think about was how it could have been you."
"Me?" Bella asked.
Esme nodded. "You were so angry, Butterbean, after the fall, after the tumor was found. So angry, but you wouldn't let us help you. You kept your feelings bottled up inside. I know why you did it, of course, but I hated that you didn't feel you could be honest with me."
"It would have hurt you too much," Bella admitted.
"I hurt anyway. I missed Mom and Dad, I wanted them to tell me how to help you, but they were gone. That left me, Emmett, and Rose to raise you and Jasper. We did the best we could, but I guess it wasn't good enough."
Bella sighed. "I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I just . . . Why didn't you call Jasper and Alice? Check in on them the way you did with me and Edward?"
"I did," she said, sadly. "They didn't answer. Even went by their place a couple times, but they weren't home. I should have tried harder, I guess, but to be honest, I thought they were okay."
"Even after dinner last week?" Bella asked.
"Okay, not after then, but . . . Bella, I don't know how to make Alice better!" Esme whimpered.
"How about by just being there for her, the way you were for me? She needed a sister, someone to tell her it's okay to be scared and to cry."
"I know. I messed up. We messed up."
Bella sighed and dragged her fingers through her hair. "So what are you going to go about it now?"
"I don't know," Esme said, sadly. "We'll try to do better. Is that enough?"
"I guess we'll see." Bella paused. "We should get back."
Bella wanted to believe that her sister finally understood how much Alice would need them. They still didn't know if she was going to suffer any permanent, or what the future held. All Bella knew was that once again, her world was falling apart.