17

Bella's eyes filled with tears as she stared at her father. One minute ago, he had been nothing but an empty shell, and now — now he was smiling like he always had.

"Ain't you gonna say anything, Butterbean?" Charlie asked, his grin somehow widening.

"Ain't is not a word," she whimpered, her arms wrapping around herself protectively. She felt Edward's hand touch her shoulder, but in that moment, she couldn't find the strength to push him away. "You're awake."

"So it seems," Charlie said, using his arms to push himself up in the bed. "You just gonna stand there, or don't I get a hug?"

The tears that had been threatening to fall trickled down her face as Bella took the few steps to her father's bed and climbed on next to him. The feel of his arms wrapped around her opened a floodgate of emotions that she had been struggling to keep buried inside her. She had written him off, figured God wouldn't give her a third chance at having a father after snatching away the first two.

"Shh, Butterbean, it's okay," Charlie whispered, his hand resting on the back of her hair. "You look beautiful. Strong and healthy. You are healthy, aren't you?"

Bella nodded. "For now."

"And happy? Are you happy, Butterbean?"

Before Bella could answer, Edward shuffled out of the room, muttering something about finding Carlisle and calling Esme and Emmett. Bella sighed as she pulled away from her father and climbed off the bed. It was easy to forget the hurtful words her husband had said to her when laying in her father's arms.

"Butterbean, what's going on?"

With tears filling her eyes, she turned and faced Charlie. "Everything has gone to shit, Dad. Just shit."

And unable to keep it inside, Bella found herself telling him everything that had happened over the last year and half. From her struggles with speech therapy, to Esme's stalker, to Emmett and Rose unable to have a baby, to Alice's suicide attempt and Jasper's breakdown, finally ending with her and Edward. She told him how angry he was, how bitter he had become toward the life God gave him, to Bella's fears of never truly being able to be happy. The only part she didn't share were the accusation Edward had hurled in his drunken rage. She needed to keep that close, because while everyone would deny it, the fact was if Bella hadn't wanted to sing, life would have turned out much differently.

"Wow," Charlie said as the door to his room opened and Edward led Carlisle in. "Dr. Cullen, right? Carlisle?"

"Charlie," Carlisle said, nodding. "Can't say I expected to ever walk into this room again and find you awake."

"Me, either," Charlie admitted.

"How are you feeling? Any headaches? Pain?"

Charlie shook his head. "I feel good. Like I just woke up from a long nap, which I guess I kind of did."

Carlisle smiled as he pulled out his penlight and began looking into Charlie's eyes. Edward shifted to his left, drawing Bella's attention. The man standing before her wasn't the same man who had screamed at her the night before, yet he wasn't the same man who held her as she sobbed through chemo, either. She didn't know who he was, and that caused her heart to ache, because she still loved him.

"Well, everything seems in order," Carlisle said, pulling Bella and Edward's attention to him. "I'd like to run some tests. Just to be sure, of course."

Charlie nodded as the door to his room opened once more. This time, Emmett, Esme, and Rose rushed inside. Esme started crying as she threw herself onto Charlie. Emmett, however, appeared unsure of what to say, so instead he looked around the room, his eyes landing on Bella.

"What are you doing here?"

"Same as you," Bella muttered, wrapping her arms around herself.

"But it's a three hour drive from Seattle," Emmett argued. "Edward just called us twenty minutes ago. What were you doing here in the first place?"

"Em, it doesn't matter," Charlie said, stretching his hand toward his only son. "She's here, and so am I."

"But how?" he asked, his lips trembling as he took hold of Charlie's hand. "They said you'd never wake up again, that the damage was too severe."

"Clearly they were wrong," Charlie chuckled.

"Dad, I . . ." Emmett shook his head as he released Charlie's hand and rushed out of the room. Bella frowned as she followed, chasing after him until he slumped to the floor next to the elevator. "What the hell is going on, Butterbean?"

"I don't know," Bella said, sliding onto the floor next to him. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "One minute he was just lying there and the next he was telling me and Edward to take our fight somewhere else."

"Why were you fighting?"

Bella sighed. The words had left her before she could stop them. "Things are just . . . fucked, I guess, is the word. I don't know, Em. Thought things would be different when we went to school, but . . . but it's not."

"Because of Alice?" he asked.

Bella shook her head. "No. Or not just her. It's everything. I thought Edward and I would be able to go to school and be normal. Just a couple of married kids trying to get an education, but everywhere we turned, people were giving us special treatment. Cutting the line at registration, easy work study jobs. Hell, probably got our apartment because we're too fragile to wait on a list."

"You know, most people would love to be given special treatment like that."

"Maybe, but Edward and I have spent years being the freaks that were sick, or mute. It sucks, Em. It really sucks."

"Hey, I know."

"You don't, though," Bella insisted, shifting her body toward him. "Why didn't you tell me that you and Rose can't have a baby?"

Emmett's eyes widened.

"Didn't think I knew, did you?" she asked.

"No," he admitted.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Emmett shook his head, bending his knees in front of him as he leaned against the wall. "Because I'm embarrassed, Butterbean. We'd been talking about it for about a year before Edward moved to Forks. Timing never seemed right, though. You were so angry and bitter, and Esme . . . Well, none of us were exactly ready for a baby. After you and Edward got married, after you got your voice back, we just decided that we'd try. No pressure, no stress. It was fun at first. I mean, lots of sex."

"Ew," Bella mumbled.

Emmett tried to smile, but it didn't quite come off. "But then month after month after month the test came back negative. We tried to be positive. It doesn't always happen right away, but a year went by and still no baby. Rose and I decided we should have some test done. The doctor was sure everything was okay, we just needed more time, needed to relax. After a few more months, he agreed to run some tests, and, um, well, things aren't okay, Butterbean. I can't give my wife the baby she so desperately wants," he whispered, his voice thick with emotions and his eyes filling with tears. "I've failed her."

"Em," Bella whispered and moved so that she could wrap her arms around him.

"I'm scared that he'll go away again, Butterbean."

"I am, too," she admitted.

"You and Edward going to be okay?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, to be honest. He . . . I just don't know anymore."

"Do you love him still?"

"I do," she whimpered. "So much just the idea of not having him hurts me, Em, but is love enough anymore? Maybe we were too young. Maybe we let the fear of dying, or never getting my voice back, push us forward. Maybe we were never meant to be happy."

"I don't believe that for a second," Emmett said, quickly. "You're going through a rough patch maybe, but if you love him, Butterbean, don't give up on him."

Emmett stood and pulled Bella to her feet. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they walked back to Charlie's room. Stopping in the doorway, Bella watched as Emmett slowly approached Charlie. Neither said anything. They just hugged and cried. Bella shifted her eyes to Edward, who was sitting on the small sofa in the back corner of the room. His hand was massaging his chest. Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath before slipping into the room behind Esme, Rose, and Carlisle. Edward looked up as she walked to him, sitting on the sofa. With tears in her eyes, she placed her hand over his and pulled it away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. "I am so, so sorry."

"I know," she echoed, and turning from him, she knew they had more to talk about, but for now, Charlie needed their attention. "So, what happens now?"

"Um, that will depend on what the MRI and CatScan show," Carlisle told her. "But for now, we just wait and see."

"Everything's going to be okay, Butterbean," Charlie said, almost sounding like a promise, and with the way his eyes shifted from her to Edward, she knew he meant more than just his own health. She just wished she could be as confident as he seemed to be.

—WH—

After spending hours at Charlie's bedside, Bella and Edward were forced, by Kate and Carlisle, to leave. The fear of returning the next day and finding that his awakening was a dream, or a onetime deal, scared her. Unable to handle the questions, the stares, Bella and Edward declined their family's offers to stay with them. Instead, they booked a room at the motel just outside Forks. Armed with a large pizza and a six pack of sodas, they settled in for what was sure to be a long night.

"I'll, um," Edward paused before grabbing the ice bucket. "I'll be right back."

Bella nodded and sat on the edge of the bed, wondering if they'd the right decision to take a room with one bed instead of a double. She wanted nothing more than to believe that Edward hadn't meant the words he said, but doubt filled her heart and fear nibbled at her soul.

Edward came back a few minutes later and set the bucket on the table before sitting next to her on the bed. He reached for her hand, but Bella pulled away.

"I don't blame you for being mad," he said, folding his hands in his lap. "I would be, too, if you . . . But you wouldn't have said what I did, not even if you'd been drunk."

"I wouldn't have been drunk in the first place," Bella murmured, shifting her eyes up to his. "I called. When you weren't home when I got back from Phil's office, I called you, texted you, but you ignored me. I was scared, Edward."

"I'm sorry. I just needed some fresh air."

"And you couldn't wait until I got back? Or leave me a note, send me a text. Hell, reply to one of the hundred texts I sent you."

Edward frowned, but didn't say anything.

"How long after I left did you go out?"

When he didn't say anything, she had her answer. He had been waiting for her to leave.

"Do you love me, Edward?"

His eyes widened and he leapt off the bed. "Of course I do!"

"Are you sure?" she asked, standing and facing him. "Because I'm not."

Edward placed his hands on either side of her face, keeping her from pulling away. "I've been in love with you since the moment I felt your fingers against my scar. I'd never let anyone close to me like that, Bella. Never, and it scared me. Still scares me, but I knew I could trust you, that I could love you. And that hasn't changed, not one little bit."

Bella pulled herself away. "I want to believe you."

"But you don't," he said.

"Can you blame me? Edward, I love you, but the man I married, the one who held me through the worst nights of my life, who gave me the courage to get my voice back, wouldn't have gone out on a binder. He wouldn't shut me out, he wouldn't push me away like you are."

"So what are you saying? That you're leaving me?"

Just hearing the word 'leave' had Bella cringing. "No! I just . . . I don't know what to do anymore. I can't help you. I can't help Jas or Alice, or anyone else and I hate it. I fucking hate it!"

"Me, too," he murmured, reaching for her, but she shook her head and pulled away. "What do I have to do to prove that I love you? That I'm sorry?"

"Find someone to talk to," she whispered, watching his jaw tighten. "You're angry, and I don't blame you because I'm angry, too. I'm pissed at Alice for being stupid and giving up on life, and I'm pissed at your brother, my sister, and everyone for not seeing that she was hurting. I'm mad at Jasper for putting it all on our shoulders. And . . . and I'm mad at you for throwing it in my face that I killed Jasper's parents, that I hurt my mom and dad," she cried. "And I'm mad at myself because I am the one to blame for every horrible thing that has happened to my family."

"Oh, I see," he said, turning and sitting on the bed. "I didn't realize you were mad about so much."

"It's what we do," she groused and sat next to him. "We bottle up our feelings because God forbid we hurt anyone, but, Edward, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is put my hand on your chest to make sure your heart is still beating. Or worry every time I feel a tickle in my throat that there's a tumor sucking the life out of me again. I want forever with you, but we can't have forever if we don't start owning a lot of shit."

"And you think we need to what? Go to marriage counseling? Is that going to help?"

"I don't know. Maybe? Tell me you aren't angry at the world, Edward?"

"I am," he admitted. "But how can I sit in front of a stranger and tell them how fucked up everything is?"

"We'll do it together." Bella bit the inside of her lip as she wrapped her hands around his, causing him to look down at her. "I'm not giving up on us. I'm asking you to fight for me, to fight for us, like I'm trying to fight for us, for you. Please?"

Closing his eyes, he nodded. "For you."

And Bella hoped like hell he would, because losing him would be her undoing.

Thank you for all the reviews. I am so sorry for not updating in a few days, but my daughter, who is a type one diabetic, was rushed to the ER Friday in full DKA. Her blood glucose was over 600, her potassium was high, and she was dehydrated. She spent two days in the PICU, and we've spent the last two days just trying to get caught up on life. Thankfully, she's fine now, but she was very close to slipping into a coma or even dying.