18

Edward felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Hearing from Bella the horrible, vile words he had spouted off while drunk crushed him. He hadn't meant them. In his weak, broken heart, he believed more than anything that he didn't mean a word he said, yet at the same time, he couldn't help but wonder if she were right. No, he didn't believe that. It was the booze talking, and that's what he told himself over and over as he showered.

Even though they had shared a bed the night before, Bella stayed as far away from him as she could. He hated that she was scared of him, hurt by the accusations he had made. Edward had gotten used to feeling Bella next to him, to holding her in his arms while they slept, that he had laid awake most of the night. He couldn't lose her, not after fighting to live just to be with him.

Bella knocked on the bathroom door. "Edward, can I come in?"

"Yeah," he called out, trying to keep his voice from showing just how scared he was of losing her.

The door opened and Bella stepped in. "Sorry, I just really need to pee."

He laughed. "It's fine. I'm almost done. Want to grab breakfast before we head back to the hospital?"

"Um, yeah, I guess." Bella quickly used the toilet and washed her hands, causing the water to turn hot and Edward to scream, which caused her to laugh. "Sorry. I forgot you were in there."

"It's okay," he chuckled, reaching down and turning the water off. He pulled the shower curtain back and reached for a towel, noting the way Bella's eyes drifted down his body. He snatched the towel off the rack and wrapped it around his waist, causing her to look up at him. "Are we okay? After . . . after everything, are we okay?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I want to say yes, but I can't. I'm sorry."

"No, I understand," Edward muttered, though he couldn't deny that her words hurt. She was only being honest. Maybe if he had done the same, none of this would have happened. "I'll hurry."

"All right." Bella frowned before turning and walking out of the bathroom.

Edward stepped out of the shower and closed the door. Bracing himself on the vanity, he shifted his eyes up to the mirror. "You'll prove yourself to her," he muttered. "Somehow, you'll be the man she loved again."

And more than anything, he hoped he was right.

—WH—

An hour later, Bella and Edward were seated in a booth inside the small restaurant connected to their motel. Once they'd ordered their meals, including a glass of orange juice for each of them, they'd fallen into an uncomfortable, tense silence. It was the first time Edward felt awkward around her. Clearing his throat, he pulled her attention from her lap to him, noticing the way her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink.

"Guess we need to think about when we're heading back to school," he said, quietly. "Or if we're going back."

Bella sighed, placing her left hand on the table. Her wedding band shined, and Edward was glad she hadn't taken it off. "I don't want to, but we can't really afford not to, either. We'll lose our financial aid if we don't."

Edward nodded, reaching across the table for her hand, which she pulled back. "Sorry."

"I'm just . . ." Bella shifted her attention out the window. "Remember the night you took me to the theater, the night we first made love?"

"I do," Edward whispered.

Bella looked at him. "We'd been through so much. Your heart, my cancer, getting my voice back, losing my dad again. Through it all, you were my one constant, the one part of my life that I could count on not to suck."

"I'm still that person for you," he said, softly, causing her to frown. "I made a mistake."

"No, I know. And I'm not mad, not really, just scared, I guess."

"Of me?"

She shook her head. "Of not being enough anymore."

"I . . . I made you doubt how much I need you?" The words burned his soul as they stumbled out of his mouth.

"Do you need me anymore?" she asked. "You waited until I left to go out and get drunk. I practically begged you to talk to me, to let me in, yet you kept telling me you were fine, just fine."

"I wanted to be strong for you," he confessed, swallowing against the lump in his throat.

"But I needed you to be honest with me, needed you to tell me that it was okay to be pissed, because, Edward, I'm pissed off."

"You are?"

She nodded. "She gave up, Edward. Alice gave up, let fear and doubt win, and I want to hate her. I do, but I can't."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because she's my family."

"Didn't realize you thought of her as your family," Edward admitted.

"Of course I do," Bella murmured.

"I'm mad, too," he said, the honesty in his words surprising even him. "At her, at Jasper, at Carlisle, Esme . . . Well, everyone, I guess."

"Even me?"

Edward's eyes widened. "No, never you. All you've ever done is love me."

"I do," she whimpered, quickly wiping away a tear before it could fall too far down her face.

"Yeah? Still after . . . you know, what I said?"

Bella reached across the table for Edward's hand, who gave it willingly. "I'll always love you, Edward. Always."

—WH—

An hour later, Edward and Bella arrived at the hospital. They made the trek inside in silence, yet it wasn't the awkward, uncomfortable quiet that had haunted them during the first part of their breakfast. While things may not be perfect between them, Edward had hope that he hadn't messed things up too much.

While they waited for the elevator, Edward reached down, weaving his fingers in with hers. Bella didn't look at him, but a faint smile pulled at the corners of her lips and she didn't pull her hand from his. The door to Charlie's room was open as they approached, and they could hear him laughing. Envy tugged at Edward's heart again.

Phil was seated in the chair next to Charlie's bed, his feet stretched out in front of him and his arms folded behind his head. It wasn't a secret that Phil harbored unrequited feelings for Charlie. They had grown up together, the best of friends. Charlie laughed again, his eyes shifting toward the doorway. He smiled when he saw Bella, and once more Edward envied her. He would give anything for just one more moment with his parents.

"Butterbean!" Charlie called out, opening his arms to her as Phil's arm dropped to his side and he stood up, making room for Bella to reach her father. He wrapped her in his arms, almost dragging her onto the bed with him. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too," she whispered, and Edward felt uncomfortable, like he was intruding on a private moment.

Phil must have felt the same because he slipped out of the room, muttering something about getting coffee. Edward hesitated for a second before following him down the hallway to the doctor's lounge.

He cleared his throat and said, "Um, Phil, got a second?"

Phil nodded and grabbed a foam cup, filled it with coffee, and turned to look at him. "What's up?"

"Um." Edward shifted nervously. "I don't, um, I don't know what Bella's told you about my sister."

"She told me everything," he said before taking a sip of his coffee. "Have you heard from her?"

Edward frowned. "No, and I don't expect to for a long time. She's . . . Well, they said it would be at least thirty days before she'd be given phone privileges, and we're not able to go visit."

"I know it's hard, Edward, but Alice needs help. I did some research, and Alice is exactly where she needs to be. They'll teach her coping techniques for when she feels overwhelmed, help her deal with everything she's feelings so that when she comes home, and I absolutely think she's coming home, she'll be able to function most of the time."

"Most of the time?"

Phil sighed. "Alice went through a huge trauma, one that not only took the lives of your parents, but left permanent scars on her body. Her constant reminder, just like the scar on your chest is for you."

"Yeah," Edward murmured, thickly.

"You're not fairing much better than your sister, are you?" Phil asked.

Edward shook his head. "I, um, I'm really angry. Been angry for a long time, and, um, I think . . . I think I need to find someone to, I don't know, talk to."

"I know a couple people," he said, taking another sip of his coffee. "Does Bella know about this?"

Edward frowned, yet nodded.

"Well, I can make a couple calls, see who has time, if you want?"

"Thanks, that'd be great."

Phil pushed off the counter and walked over to Edward, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You're stronger than you think you are, Edward, but everyone has a limit to how much bullshit they can handle. Admitting that you need help is a huge step."

"Yeah?"

Phil smiled. "It was for me."

"For you?"

"I know it's not a secret that I, um, have feelings for Charlie, Edward. I've loved him for a long time, even though I knew he didn't feel the same for me. When he and Renee got married, I let my anger get the best of me, and I made some choices that I'm not proud of. Choices that nearly cost me everything, including my life. When Charlie and Renee fell, I knew I had to step up and help with Bella. I found a therapist, someone who listened and helped me deal with my feelings. I'm not going to stand here and tell you that I'm fixed, because I'm not. There are still days when I struggle. You and Bella have faced more than you should have had to in your young lives, but you're going to be okay."

"Yeah?" Edward whimpered. "How do you know?"

"Because I've seen you fight to be together." Phil gave his shoulder a squeeze before pulling his hand back. "I'll find you someone, Edward. I promise."

Edward mumbled a thank you before following Phil down the hallway to Charlie's room, where they found Bella now seated on the bed next to her father. She had a huge smile on her face as they talked. It was in that moment that Edward vowed to do everything he could to be the husband that Bella deserved.