"You saved $3.23 today, have a good one." I said blandly to the faceless customer. No they weren't actually faceless but they were all the same to me so they mine as well have been. Occasionally a really cute guy would come through my line and even then I acted colder than usual. My anxiety ran my life so any small butterfly that dared to flutter its wings in my stomach threw my body out of proportion causing my heart to race faster than even fucking necessary. My words also turned to mush if I even attempted to say something that wasn't apart of my daily script so I always avoided eye contact and used the least amount of words to speak possible. Yes, this routine was absolutely necessary. I couldn't even imagine what I would do if any remotely good looking guy asked for my number. It was easy when anyone gave me their number because all I would do is give them a uncomfortable smile and proceed to toss it in the trash the minute they were out of sight. However if I ever became slightly interested in a guy or if by the grace of God a spark was ignited with someone I couldn't do shit about it. Yes because of a technicality I am single, HOWEVER I still live with my ex-boyfriend and who wants to deal with that I mean can you imagine? Maybe someone was watching over me because that hasn't occurred yet. I feel so trapped. Can I not fall in love properly if the time was right? Oh Jesus look at me rambling on, of course I just wished that it was "love" that I'd feel, it was usually always infatuation though. I'm positive I'll know when it happens for sure though and hopefully it's at just the right time.

"You're good to go Luna! Have a good night!" The relieving words left the mouth of one of my many all too cheerful managers. It shook me out of the repetitive zombie state I survived in at work. The funny thing about my grocery store job was that it required constant perkiness, attentiveness, and friendliness to all customers and dear God I don't know how I managed sometimes. Honestly it's the pay that keeps me going. I could put on a pretty good friendly face and brighten my tone up if I really wanted to, but being genuine throughout the shifts were downright impossible for me. Some might say I'm a downer but I like to call myself realistic. I have shitty thoughts about myself and this world we are living in, plus I'm never in a particularly good mood considering I am at work so realistically I am going to portray that in my attitude in some sort of way. I am not going to fake it to make it seem like I enjoy my job and I give a shit about what comes out of your mouth but I will be courteous enough to give you a smile so you know I am not entirely unpleasant and I am indeed a decent human being. God how I hated unnecessary cheeriness though! I understand how one might assume this is due to my depression but in fact it is due to me being a realistic person. NO ONE is that happy all the time. Let us be real.

I clocked out around 12:15 am and proceeded to walk across the parking lot to the fast food joint that ran directly in front of my job. I knocked as loud as I could on the back door of the establishment, waiting for Damien to open up.

"Hey." He greeted me as usual, propping open the large metal door. "How was work?"

Pfft like you care.

"It was ok I guess." I shrugged. Dare I add another comment? "They had me at a regular lane instead of a 15 items or less register. So it actually kind of sucked." I added. I walked through the entrance and started for the break room, avoiding eye-contact with him.

"Then why didn't you just say it sucked? Dumbass." Damien hissed at me. Ah, it appears I had said too much. He never failed to disappoint me further and further. He was so fucking cold to me all the time and it was for no fucking reason; I didn't understand it at all. I acknowledge that he struggles with anger management, Hell I have been dealing with it for five years, but how was that even necessary? If it were a few months back I probably would've argued with him over this rude comment, because then it would've hurt me and I desperately needed his reassurance that he still loved me either way; how fucking pathetic. Damien was the most irrational person I knew, actually he was the most irrational person I have ever met. He struggled with controlling his anger, which I am now an absolute pro at. He isn't very bright; I'd like to think I'm pretty bright (graduated top ten %, automatically accepted into the #7 university of the world, I mean come on. Please do not mistake this for bragging, there is plenty I dislike about myself that outweighs these trivial things. I acknowledge however that it is something I should be proud of). He never takes the time to think about things before actually doing them, this flaw has gotten us into plenty of trouble; I actually tend to overanalyze so most of the time my initial actions are never carried out because I think too goddamn much. Being the realistic person I am it makes no sense that we were ever together. Our relationship was set up to fail and I fought harder than I ever should have. I worked so fucking hard to make us work, to keep us together, hell I had made such a fool of myself most of the time trying to achieve it. I was well aware of it the whole time too. I knew the whole fucking time I was in a very very bad bind and I couldn't do anything to stop myself. It was like the actual Luna was trapped in a glass box in this body's head that was set to autopilot and there was nothing I could do to get to the controls to save myself. All I could do was scream and criticize myself on my fucking dumb decisions and slowly become my own worst enemy…

I finished putting together something to eat in the kitchen of the restaurant and approached Damien in the break room. He began describing to me the contents of his day while I had been at work as he handed me the keys of the car we shared. It wasn't unusual for him to return to his ordinary self after treating me like a complete ass. I swear it would bother the fuck out of me when he would just start talking to me normal after disrespecting me. Either he didn't give a fuck about my feelings or he just expected me to get over his cruel remarks so quickly. The truth of the matter is he was never even aware of how severely he would hurt my feelings but nowadays I was able to blow it off like dust. I tried not to invest so much energy into him anymore, I had already invested too much these past five years.

After a meaningless little conversation between him and his co-workers I let Damien know I was going back to the apartment. He walked me outside to the car, and reminded me to pick him up at 6am. I turned the key of the car door and ducked into the driver's seat. Alone at last. I loved being alone, however it never took long for the vicious thoughts to creep in and this is where music came into play. I blasted my spotify playlist on the drive home and immersed myself in the sweet melodies and riffs that blared through the speakers, I could only experience this bliss in the car by myself.

This was all routine. It was always the same since I shut off the majority of my feelings for Damien. To overcome the constant dreariness in my days of being alone and trapped with my two greatest enemies, myself and Damien, I indulged myself in any small pleasure I could find. I read, I wrote, I pleasured myself, I listened to music, I day dreamed…anything that consciously removed me from the sad reality I was living in…for how much longer could I handle living like this?