Content Warning: breakdown, hyperventilating, self-blaming
The fire alarm going off brings Barbara back to her senses. She lunges forward and turns off the burner. The eggs are an ugly brown and smoking. At least they're not on actually on fire. She stares at them for a solid minute before she breaks down sobbing. Her tears sizzle as they hit the skillet.
(Jim had loved cooking so much…)
She slinks back into the living room leaving the ruined skillet unattended and still smoking in the kitchen but is forced to return to turn off the fire alarm and open a window.
Barbara stares blankly out into the darkness as the smoke wafts outside.
Every time she blinks she sees Jim's cold body. She sees Toby's blank and tearstained face when she and Nancy arrived at the police department.
The police interviewed her that night, but she doubts she was much help. She was in far too much shock at that point.
They will be back to talk to her again.
A homicide…
That's what the police thought it was.
Who would want to kill her son?
She thinks of his kind smile and the way he always takes care of her. He is so kind that sometimes it scares… scared her. She had always been kind of worried someone would take advantage of him.
Was that what had…
She desperately pushes the thought down. The police will be back again to interview her soon and she needs to be at least somewhat together if she wants to help them find out the truth.
Barbara forces herself to go to the fridge to look for leftovers. She opens the door to find it practically stuffed.
Right.
Jim had cooked them a huge dinner before he'd…
"What is this? A last meal?"
The plate of shrimp cakes she'd selected slip from her suddenly nerveless fingers. It shatters on the ground. She hardly notices.
"No matter what happens to me, I would never leave you like that," Jim hesitated for a moment before adding. "At least, well… not by choice."
Barbara's hands shake.
"No… no. no. no…"
The blood is roaring in her ears and her breath is coming rapidly. Despite that she feels like she's going to pass out from lack of oxygen. The clinical side of her mind knows that it's because she's hyperventilating. She needs to slow her breathing before she passes out.
Images from that last night… From the last time she'd seen her baby alive… keep flickering through her mind. All playing toward one horrifying conclusion:
He'd known.
Jim had known he was going to die and had been saying good-bye.
All the signs were there… How had she not noticed?
Somehow she manages to call the police detective assigned Jim's case. She doesn't know what she says to him but he tells her he's on his way and that she should stay at her house. She stumbles into the living room and collapses onto the couch.
She drops her head into her hands and falls apart.
…
The next thing she's aware of is someone's hand on her back and their voice talking to her steadily and soothingly.
"That's it," they… he says. "Deep breath in. Now out slowly."
She follows his instructions. Slowly Barbara becomes aware that her face is wet. Her chest and throat hurt. Her whole body is shaking and feels overheated.
She looks to her left and sees a man watching her, brows furrowed in concern. He relaxes slightly when she makes eye contact. He's African American. He's wearing neat professional clothing and sports a short beard. Actually, now that her head's a little clearer, she realizes he's the detective she'd talked to last night. He'd told her his name but it had slipped her mind… She hadn't really been in a good state at the time.
She wasn't now either.
She isn't sure she'll ever be.
"Hi," Barbara says shakily.
"Hello, Dr. Lake," He responds.
He pauses, studying her face for a moment, then glances to side. She follows his gaze and sees another officer, a tall, tan, black haired woman, approaching. She's carrying a glass of water which she hands to Barbara.
Barbara takes it in her shaking hands and sips at it. Her lips and throat are parched but the water settles badly in her still-churning stomach. She sets the cup down on the living room table.
"When you called me you said you remembered something important?" The detective begins hesitantly.
Barbara nods. She takes a slow breath to steady herself and tells them everything she can remember.
The officers exchange a look when she's done.
"Is there anything else? Was he acting strange prior to this?" The detective asks. "I know he was involved in that break in at the museum. Have you seen him interacting with anyone suspicious? Or even just unfamiliar?"
Barbara has to take a moment to think about this. Jim has been acting… off for a while now but she isn't really sure when it started. She'd been too busy with work. (Maybe she would have noticed something if she'd been spending time with him, that poisonous part of her mind whispers. If she'd been more attentive; a better mother.) It hadn't really registered for her just how bad it was getting until the museum break in…
Barbara frowns. Something tickles at the edge of her mind.
Now that she thought about it the museum lady… Ms. Nomura wasn't it?... Hadn't she been here That Night? Barbara rubs at her forehead trying to remember. The memories are fuzzy and elusive. Ms. Nomura had come over to talk about community service. They'd been drinking tea and waiting for Jim to come home but Barbara can't remember her leaving…
It clicks.
Barbara's eyes widen and her breathing quickens again.