"Me 2"
This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship, Red Dwarf: The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were Sonic the Hedgehog, who was in suspended animation during the disaster and his pregnant pet hedgehog who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived 3 million years later, Sonic's only companions are a life form who descended from his hedgehog and Shadow the Hedgehog, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.
We have enough food to last thirty thousand years but we've only got one 'After Eight' mint left. And everyone's too polite to take it.
As roommates went, Sonic had decided he'd been landed with the worst which meant that going through his things so they could be packed and moved out was one of the greatest things he'd ever done.
Right now, Sonic was going through the books, one by one, separating which were his and which were Shadow's.
"'Astronavigation and Invisible Numbers and Engineering Structure Made Simple'. That's Shadow's." Sonic chucked the book in one of the boxes in an ornate trunk and picked up the next one. "Ah ha! 'The Pop-up Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Edition' - that's mine!" He put that book under his pillow where he'd stashed a couple of other books that he didn't want Shadow to come claiming.
Returning to the books, he managed to identify a number of Shadow's books before he pulled out a video tape.
"...'Shadow T. Hedgehog - A Tribute'," Sonic read, "What's this?"
"It's a video of my death," Shadow answered as he walked in perfectly on time.
"You video'd your death?"
"Knuckles did it for me."
Sonic shook his head. "You're very strange, Shadow."
"What's so strange? You have videos of weddings and births."
"So, what, do you have a few people round, give 'em a sherry and then invite them to watch you snuff it?"
"Sonic, my death is one of the most important things that ever happened to me. Just stick it in the trunk and shut up."
Sonic took one last look at the video tape and put it in Shadow's wooden trunk.
"Weird," he said under his breath.
"Uh, what about these posters?" Shadow then asked, pointing to where Sonic's sport and music posters were wallpapered all above his bunk.
"Woah! They're mine!" Sonic immediately protested, standing in the way protectively.
"I know, but the Blu-Tac is mine."
"You want to take the Blu-Tac?" Sonic could have laughed. If those posters had been stuck up with sticky tape then Shadow would no doubt be ordering that it all be ripped off and collected into one big sticky ball.
"Well it IS mine," Shadow felt the need to point out, "I did pay for it with my money."
Sonic, at that point, leant down and tried lifting Shadow's mattress. "Oh, there's one of your old toenail clippings under the bed. I'll put that in too, shall I?"
Shadow wasn't going to give Sonic the satisfaction of replying to that.
"Ah Sonic, this is one the best decisions I ever made," he breathed (not physically, of course, seeing as dead hedgehogs had no breath with which to breathe), "No more you and your stupid, annoying face. No more you and your stupid annoying habits."
"Me?" Sonic indignantly cried, "What did I do?"
"You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years. Every time I sat down to do some revision: HMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMMMmmmmm..."
"Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?"
"Obviously not just that, Sonic. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me."
Shadow proceeded to list several instances which included using his mother's photograph as an ashtray ("I thought it was a souvenir from Archie Zoo!"), changing the symbols on his revision timetable ("The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place..."), swapping his toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly ("Come on! That was a joke!"), and putting his name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
"It's not only one-way, Shadow," Sonic retorted, standing in front of Shadow almost toe to toe, "You're hardly Mr Nice Guy. Mr Easy-To-Live-With."
"What are you talking about?" Shadow smiled, backing off casually. He knew that, for being a laid back guy, Sonic knew how to punch and even though a hologram couldn't be touched, he still instinctively tried to move out of the general punching area.
Sonic was talking about Shadow playing his self-hypnosis tapes like 'Learn Esperanto While You Sleep' and 'Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep' all through the night and tying some of Sonic's quills to the bedpost before sounding the fire alarm.
"Sonic, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it."
"I nearly needed brain surgery!"
"What brains? The point is, you've always stopped me being successful. That's a scientific fact."
Sonic got out his accusing finger and jabbed it in Shadow's direction.
"Shadow, you can't blame me for your lousy life."
"Oh yes I can," Shadow said with his hands on his hips.
"See it's always the same. You never 'had the right pens for your drawing'. 'Your dividers don't stretch far enough'."
"Well they don't."
"See?" Sonic whinged, getting fed up with being blamed for every fault in Shadow's life even if that included a lack of proper stationary, "In the end, you can't turn around and say 'I'm sorry I screwed up my life, it's all Sonic's fault'!"
"Well I'm not, am I?" Shadow quickly said. "I'm moving out of Slob City and into Successville."
"What, you mean next door?"
"It's not the place, Sonic," Shadow smirked, "It's the company. I'm about to share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding. The thrust and parry of meaningful conversation."
That was when Shadow 2, the second Shadow that had been brought into being thanks to Shadow's sneaky switch-around of personality disks, poked his head into the room with a bright, cheery smile on his face.
"Everything tickety-boo?" he asked, glancing briefly between the original Shadow and the poor blue furred shmuck who had been tricked into thinking he was bringing back Amy Rose and instead got a extra dose of smeg head.
"Absolutely, Mr Shadow," Shadow cheerfully smiled back, delight written all over his face. "I'll be along lickety-split."
Like mirror images, they faced each other and saluted with synchronisation that a diving duo would be frothing with envy over.
"Carry on," Shadow2 nodded and they both saluted again before the second Shadow turned and marched confidently away like an army general.
Shadow stared after him with admiration and pride.
"What a guy," he purred.
Sonic wanted to throw up but he willingly helped Shadow remove his trunk and one of his paintings out of the room and down the corridor to the sleeping quarters next door. Sonic couldn't remember who used to sleep in the neighbouring quarters but they'd obviously been decent people who hadn't complained about the bickering that happened in Sonic and Shadow's bunk.
The more likely truth was that no-one slept in those quarters precisely due to the bickering that happened in Sonic and Shadow's bunk and that was probably the reason why Shadow had chosen to move into it; so it was less hassle getting a new sign put outside.
"Second Technician Shadow T. Hedgehog and Second Technician Shadow T. Hedgehog?" Sonic read on the name plaque by the door. He shook his head and went inside with Shadow's painting.
The new room was a tidy little place with two tidy little beds one each side of the room, not a bunk-bed like Sonic used to share with Shadow. Between the two beds was a shelf with books lined on it and in the middle of the room was a desk. The walls had been decorated with geometric patterned posters.
Shadow2 was already settling himself in when Sonic and Shadow walked in. Sonic felt as though he'd wandered into some deranged nightmare as he put down the first of Shadow's stuff, gritting his teeth as he received fuss from both black and red hedgehogs.
"...Why have you got 'No Smoking' signs up when neither of you smoke?" he asked, suddenly noticing the red and white signs above each bed.
"Because they're OUR 'No Smoking' signs and WE happen to think they look rather striking," Shadow told him proudly.
"Woah ho ho, what's all this?" Sonic then laughed, peering at some small newspaper cuttings that had been taped to read out 'encouraging' headlines on the door. "'Shadow's Tops With Us', 'I Owe It All To Shadow', 'Shady Does It Best'... This is very funny stuff."
"Just go," Shadow growled.
"I mean, because you're name's Shadow the Hedgehog and even though these headlines are about other people, you've cut them out and put them on the door so people will think they're about you?"
He was quickly shooed out by the two Shadows who then began to celebrate that they would no longer have to put up with his snidey remarks or his total slobbiness or his socks that set off the sprinkler system.
And Sonic was all to glad to turn his back on them both.
Silver had, in an act of surprising intelligence, kept his distance during the grand moving of the two Shadows. He was doing his usual thing, dancing along the corridors and enjoying his own beauty.
He was holding a bunch of flowers in one hand and a megaphone in the other.
"Hey, I'm looking so good today!" he sang, rubbing his face against pipes, walls and mirrors especially, "If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!"
He then fluffed out his chest, shook out his long quills and cleared his throat, bringing the megaphone to his mouth.
"Hello, hello! Testing, testing!" he called, "One, one, one. Me, me, me! Attention, all lady hedgehogs! I am feel very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady hedgehogs? My body is available! Please form a queue! No squabbling! This is your lucky day!"
Unfortunately, the Drive Room had no lady hedgehogs to be seen.
Sonic, however, was also dancing around but he kept his performance limited to his now much spacious room that he now had ALL to himself.
He hummed and sang as loud and as carefree as he liked.
"Ecstasy! NANANANANANAAANAA!" he called with a delighted grin on his face, waving around his arms and grabbing a beer. He got his foot and purposefully messed up Shadow's old bunk. "We're talking mega ecstasy BLISS! I can hum as loud as I like, as LONG as I like. I'm a free man!" He opened his beer and let it spray across the room.
He took a long drink and then his eyes brightened as he caught sight of his laundry basket.
"...And you see those socks?" he asked out loud to himself and grabbed the basket, tipping it up. "See 'em? They're going right where they belong - all over the floor, where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em."
He turned and eyed Shadow's old bed eagerly and said, "I can have the bottom bunk, the big bunk!"
He looked around the room, possibilities and opportunities springing up and revealing themselves wherever he turned.
"I'm gonna leave the top of the shampoo off! I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact, I'm gonna do ALL the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack my knuckles! I'm going to grind my teeth! I'm going to LIVE for a change! Yeeeeeeee!"
Flipping himself upside down, he did a handstand and rolled across the floor. Then he sat back up and wrinkled his nose and decided, actually, his socks might be better kept in the laundry basket after all.
Among the socks, Sonic discovered a tape and he picked it up, puzzled.
"Video of Shadow's death?" he read out loud and his eyes brightened. He thought he'd put it in the trunk but obviously hadn't. "Knuckles, get us some popcorn and put the video on for us, would ya?"
"Well, I can just about manage that, I suppose," Knuckles replied and sent in Gamma with a tub of popcorn just as the video started.
On the monitor, in beautiful black calligraphy on an ivory background, appeared the title: 'A Tribute to Shadow T. Hedgehog, BSc, SSc'. Soft, emotional music was playing over the top of it while a lone trumpet let out a few dramatic notes, a soldier's last call home...
"'BSc', 'SSc'? What's that?" Knuckles asked.
Sonic rolled his eyes.
"Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate. He's a total lunatic."
Now that the morose trumpeter had ceased playing, Shadow appeared on screen from the waist up, holding himself as though he were a president and was about to make a dramatic nationwide address to his country.
"Hello," he began, his voice low and solemn, "This video pays homage to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing. Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments, there's going to be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry readings, read by me-"
"Woah, spin on!" Sonic ordered and the video quickly fast-forwarded. There was no way he was going to sit through Shadow reading sappy poetry about himself. "Okay, Knux. Put it in motion."
The video continued with Shadow still sat in the same position: "...and if it hadn't been for those people who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back..."
"Spin on," Sonic scoffed, knowing full well that his name was probably spewed all throughout THAT particular segment.
After a few more minutes, the video played again. Shadow was still there: "...if you put Napoleon in quarters with Sonic, he'd still be in Corsica, peeling spuds..."
"Spin ON!" Sonic snapped, utterly peeved. He just wasn't going to let that argument go, was he?
Finally, when the video began playing again, Shadow seemed to have come to the end of his long, pointless introduction.
"...we see the final moments of Shadow T. Hedgehog."
"Yes!" Sonic whooped, shoving another pawful of popcorn into his mouth.
Now appearing on the video was footage of Captain Robotnik and Shadow, stood facing each other in the Drive Room. Robotnik was in the midst of giving Shadow a good tongue thrashing while other officers stood awkwardly in the background, worry and unease etched on their varying faces. Sonic tried looking for Amy Rose among them but he couldn't see her.
"Look, it was your job to fix it, Shadow! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!"
"I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for ANY consequences."
A blinding white light took over the entire screen and some kind of wind knocked everyone flying.
Knuckles' voice could now be heard in the video warning about the emergency. Sirens went off. There was panicked screams, faces and bodies appeared in quick succession... Shadow was thrown on his back against the wall and he stared up into the camera:
"...gazpacho soup!"
Then nothing. The last shot on the camera feed was of Shadow's limp, lifeless arm falling into view on the cold floor. All that could be heard were the sounds of the squalling rushing air, the screams from the crew throughout Red Dwarf, and the melodic tune of a closing scene as the screen faded to black and the video ended.
"Off," Sonic murmured, bewilderment overcoming him. "Gazpacho soup?" he repeated, "Why were his last words, 'gazpacho soup'?"
As though arriving to answer his question, in came Silver, now on a pair of roller-skates, with the flowers still in one hand and the megaphone in the other.
"Attention lady hedgehogs! Sensual emergency! Good lovin' needed bad!" He spun around and struck a pose but look disappointed to see that it was only Sonic watching him. "Hey, no girls here?" he asked him, "What a waste of a good move! It's a shame. I'm looking so dangerous, too!"
Sonic looked him up and down. "Siiiiilver? What are you doing?"
Silver flicked his head quills and flashed his pearly white fangs.
"I'm courting," he replied in a gentlemanly voice.
"Courting who?" Sonic looked round the room.
"Whoever shows up," Silver answered.
"I told you before," Sonic said in annoyance, "Me and Shadow are the only hedgehogs on board!"
And even then, they weren't even the same KIND of hedgehog; Sonic and Shadow were Mobian, Silver was not. They were as different as sparrows and robins - both birds but unlikely to successfully breed by natural means.
"If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy!" Silver scoffed and then danced back out again on his roller-skates.
Next door, the two Shadows were in the middle of exercising, squatting and then leaping up in the air, throwing their arms above them, in a show of over-exuberant jumping jacks.
Every time one of them looked ready to stop, the other would snap at them to carry on, to push through the pain barrier until all they saw was a haze. When they eventually stopped, they were both out of breath and exhausted but felt very proud of themselves.
"Brilliant!" Shadow panted, "That extra little bit. That's what it's all about." It was a good thing he was already dead because the pain he was in right now would have been enough to do him in again.
"What time do we get up?" Shadow2 asked, shaky legs bended to sit him on the bed.
"Oh, early," replied Shadow, "Half past eight."
"No, earlier than that," Shadow2 smiled, "Seven."
"How about six?"
"No, half past four."
"That's the middle of the night!" Shadow said, eyes widening. He hadn't been nocturnal since his teenage years.
"You wanted driving," Shadow2 told him, "I'm driving you."
"Once again, Shadow, you're absolutely right," Shadow grinned. "Knuckles, alarm call: four-thirty in the morning. Make it the sonic boo-." He checked himself smartly. "Make it the extra loud, emergency one." They weren't going to mention Sonic's name, not even when discussing sound waves and speeds.
"Yes Shadow. And Shadow."
"What are you doing, Shadow?" Shadow2 asked as the first Shadow rolled onto his bed.
"I'm going to bed, Shadow."
"But it's two in the morning!" Shadow2 protested, "We can get in a couple of hours of revision, easily!"
"But I'm getting up in a minute."
Shadow2 smiled knowingly. "You take Power Circuits and Chao Speech. I'll take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy."
With an excited noise of glee, Shadow hopped out of bed, a silly smile on his face.
"Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!"
If heaven included a huge blast of noise made up of warbles, barks, whistles and sirens that shook the ship, then it ought to be given a name change.
Later on that morning, Sonic staggered out from his bunkers with a beer in his hands and found Shadow out in the corridor with Omega and Gamma the Skutters, overseeing them painting the walls.
"That's the way. Smooth and even. Up and down," Shadow was saying. He looked up and smugness tugged his mouth up into a smile. "Ah, Sonic. Didn't wake you, I trust?"
"No, I haven't been to bed yet," Sonic smiled back. Just because Shadow had given up being noctivagant, it didn't mean Sonic had. Not entirely.
"But it's five past five in the morning," Shadow cried, checking his watch, "It's practically lunchtime."
Lunchtime. That's what Silver called his early morning meals.
"What are you doing?" Sonic asked, noticing the Skutters.
"It's called 'work', Sonic. I didn't think you'd recognise it," Shadow said, rolling his eyes, "W-O-R-K. It's in the dictionary." He then went back to directing the Skutters.
"But why are they painting the corridor the same colour it was before?" Sonic asked.
"They're changing it from 'Ocean Grey' to 'Military Grey'," Shadow replied, "Something that should have been done a long time ago."
"Looks exactly the same to me."
"No. No, no, no. THAT'S the new 'Military Grey' bit there," Shadow pointed a one part of the wall, "and THAT'S the dowdy, old, nasty 'Ocean Grey' bit there." He stopped and looked between the two for a few seconds as a small frown appeared. "...Or is it the other way 'round?"
"It doesn't matter, Shadow. It's very nice," Sonic said to humour him. He cleared his throat and hid a smile. "So how's Mrs Shadow?"
"Tee hee, hoddle, ha. Why don't you just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for the full day's slob."
But Sonic found more interest in trying to ask what it was that two Shadows could talk about while they were cooped up together in the same room. A part of him wanted them to be talking trash about him while they holographically painted each other's claws but Shadow said they regale one another with examples of their own intelligence and then reminisce about old times, past glories and former girlfriends.
"Oh, you mean Molly McGruder?" Sonic chuckled.
"Don't say Molly McGruder as if she's the only one," protested Shadow.
"Oh, go on then. Name one other girlfriend then."
"Sonic," Shadow sighed, clearly not having the patience for this, "I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman to stoop to that kind of shower-room mentality. All you need to know about Molly McGruder is," He paused and flashed a triumphant grin as he walloped his fist over his arm. "I gave her one!"
"Fine, Shadow, fine," Sonic nodded, leaning on a dry bit of unpainted wall, "That's very nice. Very, very nice. So, um..." He sniffed. "...what's 'gazpacho soup'?"
Shadow looked as though he'd had a hot iron bar shoved under his tail. His face blanched and his neck spines tingled.
"What?"
"It's just that they were your last words and I wondered why," Sonic explained.
"You've been watching my death video, haven't you!?" Shadow gasped, "That's private! It's for my enjoyment only!"
"It just seemed like such a strange thing to say," Sonic shrugged and did an imitation of Shadow dying. "Gazpacho soup," he weakly croaked.
"Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to sit down and bash out a lengthy speech," Shadow fumed, "I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion."
Sonic twitched a fluffy blue ear. "...But why 'gazpacho soup'?"
"That, Sonic," Shadow snorted, "is something that you will never ever know."
"Shadow, you asked me to remind you when it was time for your Chao Speech revision," Knuckles interrupted over the corridor speakers.
Sticking his nose up at Sonic, Shadow thanked the computer and waited until the blue hedgehog had slunk away in disappointment.
It was clear that Shadow wasn't going to be changing his mind about giving away what 'gazpacho soup' meant so Sonic had to take things into his own paws by sneaking down to the Shadows' sleeping quarters.
On the shelf by the window, overlooking twinkly space, were some of Shadow's books that Sonic remembered packing for him. One of them had stood out to Sonic at the time thanks to his unfortunate claim to knowing Shadow the best out of anyone on Red Dwarf.
"A-Z of Red Dwarf," Sonic read on the spine, plucking the book from the shelf. It was the thickest book there but when Sonic opened it, he found that a square had been cut out of the pages and that was where a small book had been hidden.
Shadow's Diary.
Cackling like a supervillain, Sonic pulled it free and eagerly opened it up.
"My Diary, by Shadow T. Hedgehog," he began to read, "January the 1st: I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year. A daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, so that perhaps one day other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment through these pages. It is my fond hope that, one day, this journal will take its place alongside 'Napoleon's War Diaries' and 'The Memories of Julius Caesar'."
Sonic tilted an eyebrow sceptically and found the next few pages to be blank. He had to skip ahead quite far to find the next bit of writing.
"Next entry... July the Seventeenth: Auntie Maggie's Birthday."
Maybe a bit further on...
"November the Twenty-fifth: Gazpacho Soup day!" Sonic was overcome with curiosity and confusion. There was no other writing that went with it - it just said 'gazpacho soup day' and that was all. November 25th? "That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out."
He stiffened as he suddenly heard a door opening but it was just Silver who discretely emerged from Shadow's clothing cupboard with a pair of shades on.
"He won't find THAT one," he was mumbling to himself, "not until he changes his boots." He froze as he caught sight of Sonic watching him from over the top of Shadow's dairy. Immediately, Silver turned away and hurried from the room. "Did you see him clearly?" he went on mumbling, hiding behind his paw, "Did you get a good look at his face? Could you spot him in a parade? I don't think so - I couldv'e been... anybody."
The rest of the afternoon looked to be uneventful at first. Sonic was trying to blow huge bubble-gum bubbles while puzzling over why Shadow's last words were 'gazpacho soup' when Knuckles suddenly announced to him that there were two super-lightspeed fighters on their way to find him for his crimes against Mobius.
"You what!?" Sonic cried, spitting his gum across the room.
"Seems when you left Mobius, three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
"Did I?"
"You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
"Yeah," Sonic shuddered, "they go mouldy."
"Your sausages, Sonic, now cover seven-eighths of the planet's surface. Also, you left seventeen mobiums and fifty pieces in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest, you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for 3 million years, nobody's got any money except for you and the Mobius Electricity Board."
"Why the Mobius Electricity Board?"
"...You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion mobiums."
"180 billion mobiums?" Sonic gasped, "You're kidding!"
"April Fool," Knuckles' face appeared on the screen wearing a fake moustache, nose and glasses. He was showing Sonic a flat smile.
"But it's not April!" Sonic growled, cross that he'd got all worked up for nothing.
"Yeah, I know. But I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot jape like that underneath my hat."
"So you just made it all up then?"
"Yeah. Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it? You can't beat a good wheeze. Hur hur."
"I don't need a good wheeze," Sonic groaned, rubbing his head.
But he stopped when he heard angry voices from the room next door and he quickly shushed Knuckles before the computer could say anything else.
"...shut up! Sonic will hear you!" the muffled voice of one of the Shadows was heard and then a little later the same sounding voice saying, "I make you vomit?" "Keep your voice down!"
Sonic tried listening through the wall but found that it was easier to eavesdrop from the corridor where sound travelled better.
It seemed that the two Shadows had fallen out.
"I'm not going to stand here and take this abuse!" Shadow said facing Shadow2 who was lounging on his bed.
"Oh yes," Shadow2 sneered, "when the going gets tough, the tough go and have a little cry in the corner. You've got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you!"
"That's a lie!" Shadow snapped like a child, hurt and upset, "A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!"
"Then why didn't he send you to the academy?"
"He couldn't afford it."
"Oh? He sent all our brothers!"
Shadow's eyes were hurting. "You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!"
"Face facts, man, nobody likes you!" Shadow2 snarled, "Not even Mummy."
Shadow was almost crying now. "Mummy DID like me! Mummy was just busy. She had a lot of meetings to go to."
"Twaddle!"
"You better watch what you say about my mummy!" Shadow warned, "I'm a grown man and I'm not going to accept it."
"Oh grow up Mr Gazpacho!" Shadow2 shouted.
"...Mister what?" Shadow said quietly.
"I SAID... MISTER... GAZ... PAAAAACHO, DEAFIE!" Shadow2 shouted even louder.
Shadow had never felt so betrayed. His heart felt as though someone had punched it.
"That is the most obscenely hurtful thing," he whimpered.
"GOOD!"
At the door of his quarters, Sonic was leaning out with his ears strained. It sounded as though the argument was beginning to come to a close.
"This is the straw that broke the dromedary, that is," he heard Shadow promise. It sounded as though he had walked out into the corridor. "You're finished, Shadow."
"No, YOU'RE finished, Shadow," Shadow2 shouted back from inside the room.
Footsteps came down the corridor and Sonic hurriedly sprang away from the door and scrabbled up into his top bed, pretending to read his pop-up book as though he'd been there all that time. He looked up as Shadow came sadly walking in, his head hanging, his face crest-fallen, his shoulders slouched. He looked tired and sad.
Looking up and seeing Sonic, Shadow paused by the door and awkwardly rubbed his lower back.
"Ah, Sonic... how are you?" he asked quietly.
"I'm tickety-boo," Sonic replied stiffly, narrowing his eyes. "What d'ya want?"
Shadow looked around his old sleeping quarters. "I... don't suppose you've managed to get that Blu-Tac together for me, have you?"
"Shadow, it's 3:00am!"
"It doesn't matter," Shadow mumbled and shrugged, "It can wait til the morning." He shuffled over to the bottom bunk. "I'm just gonna sleep here, ok? So... when you're ready."
He flopped down onto his old bed and let out a sad sigh, staring miserably up at the underside of Sonic's bunk.
Sonic twitched his nose and cautiously leaned over the side. Shadow's eyes were unfocused and looked suspiciously moist.
"Everything all right, is it?" Sonic asked, not in an unkind voice but not in an especially kind one either.
Shadow briefly looked at him and tried to smile. "Sure!" he answered with false cheerfulness, "Absolutely. Yeah, sure."
"No problems then?"
"No! No, no. Things couldn't be hunky-dorier."
"It's just..." Sonic wet his lips and put down his book, "...I though I heard, you know, um... raised voices?"
Shadow's upper lip tugged slightly as he ran his tongue over his insectivore's teeth and he averted his gaze, smiling sadly at his clasped fingers.
"Heh. It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it?" he said, "Having a... a blazing row with yourself."
"HIT THE WALL! GO ON! HIT THE WALL!" Shadow2 had managed to get a hold of one of the Skutters and was having it bang the wall repeatedly. "CAN YOU SHUT UP, SHADOW?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
Shadow pursed up his lips and clenched his fists.
"Obviously, we have professional disagreements," he told Sonic in a calm tone of voice, "But I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
Another bang against the wall. "SHUT UP, YA DEAD TWIT!"
Now with a twitching eye, Shadow cleared his throat and got to his feet.
"Excuse me a second, Sonic, will you?" he said politely and approached the door to stick his head out. "...STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!"
Sonic's ears were hurting and he winced as Shadow calmly turned to face him again.
"Sonic, there's no point in concealing it anymore," he sighed, "Shadow and me... we've had a bit of a tiff. Nothing major. But it goes without saying, IT WAS HIS FAULT!"
Sat together in the Red Dwarf cinema, Sonic (finally finding some peace from ANY kind of Shadow) was sat with Silver with buckets of popcorn between them, some biscuit snacks and a pack of soda.
"Fired from Mobius? Deep into the heart of the Solar System? And you fancy a curry? Then why not drop in at the IDW Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant! Enjoy the finest Tandoori Cuisine at one-fifth gravity! Just a short space-walk from this cinema!"
"Shut up," Silver hissed through his megaphone as Sonic crunched down on another piece of popcorn.
"Look, will you stop doing that?" Sonic protested, flinching away from the loud sound. Could no-one on this ship just get along for five minutes?
"I'm trying to watch the film!" Silver said, picking up his glass of wine. He liked to be fancy when he went to the cinema.
"I'm only eating!" Sonic threw popcorn at him.
"No," Silver snuffed, "Eatin's when the food goes IN your mouth."
At the back, the doors opened as Shadow2 walked in with his hands behind his back.
"Afternoon," he greeted, nodding stiffly at his fellow hedgehogs who were sat together before sitting down at the end of their row of seats.
Sonic nodded stiffly back. Silver sipped his white wine and ignored him.
"What's on?" Shadow2 asked.
"Orsen Welles. 'Citizen Kane'," Sonic replied, biting off the end of a chewy sweet.
"Uh, there's no eating on this side," Shadow2 told him, gesturing to one of the signs on the wall of the cinema and then waving his hand to the other side of the room. "You should be sitting over there."
Sonic and Silver looked around the empty room before Sonic said, "Nobody's complaining."
"Yes, they are! I am," Shadow2 snapped, "So would you kindly move to the proper designated eating area for the convenience of other patrons?"
Sonic and Silver both immediately grabbed some popcorn and began dramatically eating it which caused Shadow2 to grimace and look away in disgust.
"I thought you hated films," Sonic said.
"Me? No, I took a film course at night school," answered Shadow2 briskly. "Citizen Kane, hmm? That's Orsen Welles, is it?"
On screen was a cartoon cat firing a large machine gun with all the pops and bands that went with it. The 'looney tune' sounding music added to the absurdity of the scene as several animated tons of ACME dynamite went up in a colourful explosion.
"Ah, that's 'Citizen Kane', all right," Shadow2 nodded with a smile. "Unmistakeable."
"Why are you here?" asked Sonic, "Where's your wife?"
"Don't ask me," Shadow2 grunted, "He's nothing to do with me anymore. Last time I saw him, he was redoing the paint work. Changing it from 'Military Grey' back to 'Ocean Grey'. He's quite, quite mad!"
The doors opened again and who should walk in but Shadow himself. He strode down the aisle and turned his head.
"Sonic, Silver," he acknowledged politely before he took a seat right in front of Shadow2, smirking as he did so.
Shadow2 bared his teeth. "Excuse me, I can't see."
Shadow lifted his head a fraction. "Shhh."
Shadow2 leant forward. "Excuse me, I can't see through the back of your stupid, wide-quilled, sticky-uppy-eared head."
"I'm trying to watch the film!" Sonic complained.
"Yeah!" Silver agreed.
"Move!" Shadow2 growled, prodding the back of Shadow's seat.
"Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random," Shadow said in a patronisingly calm voice, smirking away. "If you're unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move."
Shadow2 bristled with agitation and angrily jumped to his feet.
"Right!" He made a point of looking around the cinema while Sonic and Silver watched, fed up. "Now, where shall I sit? Over here or over there? Ummmm... no, THAT'S a nice seat!" He parked himself in the seat directly in front of Shadow and folded his arms and legs, making sure his quills were sticking out even more broadly which was easy for a hedgehog to do when they were in a foul mood.
"Look at this," Shadow chuckled, "Mr Maturity."
Sonic and Silver watched as Shadow got up and sat in front of Shadow2 and they both rolled their eyes.
"Will you two guys just grow up?" Sonic said, absolutely fed up to the back teeth with what was happening.
"Two?" Shadow2 said in a venomous voice, "I think there's just one immature person around here and we all know who it is."
Both Shadows pointed their fingers at each other and Shadow2 jumped up again but there weren't any other chairs for him to sit in front of so he stalked to the back and waved a few shadow hand puppets around in front of the projector.
"Hello," the hand puppet now on screen said in a whiney voice, "What do you think of Shadow then?" Then he blew several long raspberries with the shadow puppet now showing itself as a rude finger gesture.
"This can't go on!" Sonic announced, getting to his feet and walking into the aisle. "One of you has gotta go."
"Yes, him!" both Shadows said in unison as they squared up in front of each other with Sonic in the middle. Silver was torn between watching the film or watching the drama going on in the aisles.
"Look, it's crystal smegging clear which one of us has got to go," Shadow nodded.
"Yes, you!" Shadow2 immediately snapped.
"I was here first!" Shadow replied savagely, "I nursed Sonic through those early, delicate days!"
"We are identical," Shadow2 retorted, "We're exactly the same person. Only you're mentally unstable!"
Sonic rubbed his face and then presented a finger.
"Ippy-dippy, my space shippy, on a course so true," he mumbled flatly, dancing the finger between them, "past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you."
His finger landed on the first Shadow.
"Excellent!" Shadow2 grinned, "Excellent decision, Sonic. Turn him off!"
"...And the one you end on is the one who stays, yes?" Shadow hurriedly asked, his face falling.
"It's you, Shadow," Sonic quietly told him, a trace of sadness passing over him briefly.
Silver finished his wine.
"Wait a minute. Just wait a minute!" Shadow babbled, "Hold your horses. Hang on..."
"It's your own fault, Shadow," Sonic said in a soft voice, "If you'd given me Amy's hologram, none of this would've happened. You made the bed, you lie in it." He looked at both Shadows. "Drive Room. Ten minutes."
"Drive Room," Shadow2 merrily cackled, "FIVE minutes."
Shadow stared at his copy's gloating face, at Sonic's sympathetic expression, at Silver's complete disinterest.
"I don't believe it," he breathed, sinking into one of the cinema chairs. "I've been ippy-dippied to death..."
The Drive Room had seen a lot; the death of Captain Robotnik, the death of Shadow the Hedgehog, the future echo of Sonic's son's death, the arrival of Sonic's confidence and paranoia, the arrival of a second Shadow and now it would see the second death of the first Shadow.
Silver was spinning around in one of the chairs, always eager for some entertainment, before he got tired of that and rested his head on his own shoulder while Sonic got the hologram machine ready. Shadow2 was bouncing on his feet happily.
"I want you out," Sonic hissed at him.
"What have I said?" Shadow2 protested.
"Just out!" Sonic muttered, waving him away.
Shadow2 tutted. "There's precious little entertainment on this ship. I mean, if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?"
"Out!" Sonic snapped, "Go on!"
Tutting again, Shadow2 turned and stomped out the Drive Room until he caught sight of Shadow coming the other way dressed in full uniform. Presenting a smug grin, Shadow2 straightened his back and flared his quills majestically.
"Don't forget to write, ya great nancy," he scoffed and flounced down the corridor.
Solemnly, Shadow stepped into the Drive Room and saluted his would-be executioner. "Sonic."
Sonic returned a salute in mutual greeting and nodded at him in respect. "Fancy a drink?"
Shadow shook his head.
Silver glanced between them, wondering when something would happen.
"Ooh, I didn't know you had any medals," Sonic noted, peering at Shadow's uniform. "What are they?"
Keeping up his brave, stiff upper lip, Shadow swallowed and pointed to each one. "Three Years Long Service, Six Years Long Service, Nine Years Long Service... Twelve Years Long Service."
Sonic nodded, impressed. "Come on, just one drink?"
Shadow relented. "I'll have a whiskey."
"Knuckles, give him a whiskey."
"How would you like it?" Knuckles asked. Even he sounded more morose and solemn today. Ending lives was never an easy thing to do.
"Straight," Shadow answered, the realisation of what was happening now dawning on him, "With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon."
He grimaced as Knuckles gave him the holographic drink.
"Another?" Sonic offered and Shadow nodded, grimacing again.
He had two more shots and one double shot before he felt ready to carry on. Before he felt ready to properly die one more time.
Remembering Shadow's first death made Sonic sit down and glance sadly at his former bunkmate.
"So, um, what's all this gazpacho soup business?" he asked gently, wondering if they would be Shadow's second last words or not, "What's it all about?"
"I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you," Shadow murmured, his ears flattening. "Gazpacho soup. It was the greatest night of my life." Shadow smiled as he paced across the room and looked up at the ceiling. "I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me by name. We had gazpacho soup for starters." He stopped and his smile dropped away like melted ice. He closed his eyes and winced. "I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold," he squeaked, "I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did! The looks on their faces still haunt me today!"
Sonic watched Shadow crumple.
"I thought they were laughing at the chef..." he wailed, "...when all the time they were laughing at ME as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!" He took several breaths and sniffed. "I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career."
"Oh come on," Sonic told him, "Anyone could've made that mistake."
"If only they'd've mentioned it in Basic Training!" Shadow shouted to the air, "Instead of climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels... If only, JUST ONCE, they'd said 'Gazpacho soup is served cold!', I could've been an admiral by now! Instead of a nothing - which is what I am, let's face it."
"Come on," Sonic sighed again, "You're not a nothing."
"He is," Silver chuckled unhelpfully from his own chair.
"You're right!" Shadow cried.
"I know I'm right."
"I never got off the bottom rung. And do you know why?" Shadow was almost hysterical. "Because I didn't have the right nobby parents. I bet Rotor was fed gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids. No, I bet he was breast-fed with it!"
"Is this gonna go on all day?" Silver asked angrily, looking to Sonic. "I thought he was gonna get wiped!"
Shadow matched his anger. "Yes go on!" he scoffed, "Turn me off. Go on! Turn me off! Get rid of me!"
Sonic finished his drink and twitched a smile. "I've already done it."
Shadow and Silver stared at him.
"I wiped the other one," he grinned.
Silver, for some reason, found the funny side and laughed.
Shadow was flabbergasted and he looked between Sonic and Silver as though they were privy to a joke he couldn't understand.
"What?! You wiped...? When?!"
"Just before you came in," Sonic admitted, licking his muzzle.
"And you let me stand here and bare my soul?"
"Yeah." Sonic's cheeky face looked like more mischievous than anything ever seen. "See, I wanted to find out about gazpacho soup and I knew you wouldn't tell me."
"Well of course I wouldn't tell you!" Shadow said, agonised, pulled between anger and pure relief, "You'd make my life a hell with gazpacho soup jokes for the rest of my life!"
"Shadow, I promise," Sonic said, getting to his feet and standing in front of Shadow with a serious face, "I SWEAR, I will never, ever mention this conversation again. And when I swear, I mean it."
Shadow glanced at him cautiously, not sure whether to trust the face that had only recently shed it's mischievous expression.
"You promise?"
"I promise," Sonic nodded, making a Boy Scout salute.
"You swear absolutely?"
"I swear absolutely that I promise that I will never mention gazpacho soup again!" He Boy Scout saluted yet again.
Shadow now looked Sonic in the eye. Right in his green eyes. They were honest eyes. Eyes that, if you gazed into long enough, were full of purity and honour.
"All right," the hologram nodded and his face softened. He gave Sonic a proper small smile. "You're a bit of a slob, Sonic, you know, but... when it comes down to it, you keep your word. This time I'm gonna believe you." He looked up both Sonic and Silver, who had come to stand beside them. "Let's go for another drink."
Sonic let Shadow lead the way out of the Drive Room and he bit back a smile.
"Souper."
Next time...
Shadow becomes depressed when he reads a letter saying his father is dead. His neurotic brain gets in the way when the three hedgehogs try playing a total-immersion computer game which makes the player's wishes come true.