"IX"
Three million years from Mobius, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
It's crew: Sonic the Hedgehog, the last Mobian alive; Shadow the Hedgehog, a hologram of his dead bunkmate; and a creature who descended from a wild hedgehog.
Message ends.
Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through lonliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
All three of them were in Sonic and Shadow's sleeping quarters.
Shadow was playing draughts with one of the Skutters, Sonic was filling out a questionnaire in a woman's magazine and Silver was trying Sonic's stereo player out.
"'When you're alone in bed, what do you wear'?" Sonic read in the magazine, chewing on the end of his pen, "'Is it: A) Nothing at all, B) A flannelette nightie, or C) A sexy black negligee'?"
Sonic gave his pen a few more chews as he thought about it. He looked down at his Green Hill Runners T-Shirt and decided to go for 'C'.
"Next question. 'Do you think your boobs are: A) Too small, B) Just right, or C) Too large?'" He frowned and discretely felt his chest.
"...Definitely too large." He marked it off in the questionnaire and then excitedly counted up his score. "So what's my rating? ... Mainly 'C's: 'You are one foxy lady! Sexy, sensual and you don't mind showing it!' Yeeeees! I'm a sex beast!"
While Sonic was celebrating his identity as a 'foxy lady', Silver was nodding his head as he held the headphones up to his ears, whooping away loudly.
Shadow, getting fed up with it, turned savagely on Silver and yelled at him to be quiet.
"Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate!" Shadow shouted.
"Yeeeehhhh - I can't hear you!" Silver shouted back, still headbanging away.
"What are you listening to?" Sonic asked, leaning over to take the tape box from Silver. "...Robert Hardy reads 'Tess Of The D'Urbevilles'? ... Let's have a listen."
He and Silver huddled together and shared the headphones before both were howling and headbanging together under the ferocious glare of Shadow.
"The tape must have got twisted, man! This is really good!" Sonic laughed.
"EXCUSE ME!" Shadow screamed at them which shut them both up, "I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation which could well swing this entire game!"
Sonic looked over to the draughts board and saw that Shadow's one counter was surrounded by the Skutter's counters.
"Shadow, you've lost, man."
"There's plenty of space for manouvers," Shadow said very optimistically. The Skutter (probably Omega seeing as he was the slightly more sassy one of the two) was twitching at him smugly.
"You've only got one move you can make then he zaps you," Sonic pointed out.
"Admittedly, at first glance, that is indeed the way it looks," Shadow nodded and then he smirked, "What you're failing to take into consideration is that El Skutto here has to go back on duty in..." Shadow checked his watch. "...4 minutes and 31 seconds. And if he goes before the game is concluded, I win by default." He checked his watch again. "4 minutes, 15!" At which point he began to sing his name like an English football supporter to the tune of 'Auld Lang Syne'.
Omega threw him a two-fingered salute.
"You're a piece of dirty, filthy, cheating scum, aren't you?" Sonic sighed.
"Absolutement! And that is why I'll win," Shadow agreed, "Because I have the ability to think my way round problems rather than sticking to the straight, pre-programmed lines. That's why men, Sonic, are so much better than machines."
"Oh I don't know," Sonic mused, "I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip. I had a tent next to hers and in the middle of the night, I was woken up by this really weird noise." He chuckled and waggled his eyebrows. "She didn't think men were better than machines."
Talking of machines, Knuckles made a sudden appearance on the screen.
"What's happening, dudes?"
If the scene in the sleeping quarters were any idication, there wasn't a lot happening at all.
"...Hang on, I've forgotten what I was going to say now," Knuckles moaned, looking off to the side.
"Well it can't be that important then, can it?" Shadow sighed, trying to focus on his game.
He was proved wrong when the whole ship suddenly lurched and everything went flying in all directions. The draughts game was sent to the floor, Silver went staggering over the room and went through Shadow who almost fell out into the corridor and Sonic was hurled from his top bunk to the ground. All three hedgehogs had to hurriedly curl into balls as books and furniture crashed down around them.
It was a monumentous day in the fashion industry when one company released their line of 'quill-friendly' clothes which allowed hedgehogs and other spiney animals to curl into balls without their clothes being torn to pieces thanks to a spine-freeing panel at the back of the shirts. Those shirts were proving their effectiveness today.
When the ship stopped shaking, the three of them hesitantly uncurled again.
"That's it, yeah," Knuckles remembered, "'Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship.' I knew it would come back to me."
"Thanks for the warning!" Silver growled, smoothing out his suit and fixing his quills.
"I'm sorry," Knuckles apologised, looking crest-fallen as he realised it was too late, "I've had things on my mind."
"What's wrong with you, Knuckles?" Sonic asked, using the bunk to pick himself up.
"He's computer-senile, that's what's wrong with him," Shadow huffed, unable to find a patch of floor that he could stand on without something passing through him.
"Is there any damage?" Sonic asked.
"I dunno. The damage-report machine has been damaged."
"Well, where did it hit?" Sonic tried.
"I'm not sure. All my monitors are out. Round about Floor 591, I think."
Shadow shook his head at him. "You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican."
Knuckles lead the intrepid damage-repair squad on his mobile monitor trolley as they walked down the corridors of Floor 591.
"Well, there's nothing here," Sonic sighed tiredly. They'd already checked two other floors and Red Dwarf wasn't exactly small. In fact, Red Dwarf was about as large as three cities. "Let's try 592."
Shadow then entered the corridor, looking a little uneasy.
"Umm... has anybody seen my legs?" he asked, "They don't appear to be below my waist, where I normally keep them."
Sure enough, Shadow was simply a torso floating in mid-air without any legs to be seen.
"Knuckles, what's happened to Shadow's legs?" Sonic asked with a laugh.
"Here they are, right here!" Silver announced, pointing to where a pair of legs were staggering down towards them, bumping into the walls as they tried to find the rest of Shadow's body.
"Stop them!" Shadow cried.
"C'mon, leggies, this way!" Sonic called gently, herding them towards Shadow, "Over here."
"Of course, '592'," Knuckles decided as Shadow's legs hurried past him, "That's where the Hologram Simulation Suite is."
Finally being reunited with his legs, Shadow carefully manouvered his torso to get in line and firmly held onto his belt to stop them wandering off a second time until the light particles could cement themselves together again.
"What does this mean?" he asked.
"It's probably not serious, don't panic," Knuckles reassured him.
"...Well, if it's NOT serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I'd like to know what is!"
The group headed for the lifts although Shadow was still feeling mighty glitchy...
He got worse on Floor 592.
"Shadow, are you all right?" Sonic asked, worried as he saw his bunkmate start prancing towards them like a peacock.
Shadow had a skip as he danced round the corner and clapped his hands, his eyes round and bright.
"Well, you see, the shuttle was late, you see," Shadow said in a weird higher pitched voice, "The shuttle was late. And they're usually so good, they're so good, aren't they? They're brilliant." He held his paws to his chest and bobbed up and down.
Silver stared, not liking the way Shadow was gazing at them with lovey-dovey eyes.
"What's happened to him?" he asked.
Sonic instantly recognised the higher tone of voice and the body language and the mannerisms that Shadow was displaying. "He's turned into Snively, the ship's psychiatrist!"
"We better get him fixed," Knuckles said.
The Hologram Simulation Suite was an absolute mess. The alarms were blaring, warning lights were flashing and smoke filled the air. Silver had grabbed a fire extinguisher and was trying to put out the fires that were engulping the consoles while Sonic hurried about trying to work out why other personality disks were interfering with Shadow's.
"It's all in hand," Knuckles assured them from his mobile display, "No panic."
Shadow popped his head over the top of Knuckles' screen and mimicked the computer's expression and voice: "No panic everyone. It's all in hand."
"You just need to override the charge relays," Knuckles then explained as Silver got the fires under control.
"You just need to override the charge relays," Shadow immitated perfectly.
"But how d'you do that, Knux?" Sonic asked.
Shadow was quick to imitate him just as perfectly as he had imitated the computer: "But how d'you do that, Knux?"
"Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there."
Back to Knuckles' voice: "Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there."
"What, this one over here?" Sonic pointed.
"What this one over here?" Shadow echoed, also pointing and adopting the same body position as Sonic.
"Yeah, that one."
"Yeah, that one."
Sonic did so and waited for the next instruction.
"Now press the bypass."
"Now press the bypass."
Sonic pressed something and Shadow gave a gasp, returning to normal and panting heavily.
"Ugh! That was horrible!" he moaned, "I never want to go through that again!"
Unfortunately, a second later, he tensed up and began spinning around, yowling and singing.
"Hey!" Silver cried, "Now he's me!"
"It's a loose cable," Knuckles said, "Put the red plug in the blue socket."
Sonic hurriedly did so and, once again, Shadow gasped and snapped back to normal, holding his head and shivering as he regained control of his own hologram body with his own personality.
"Is that it over?" he squeaked, "Are we okay now?"
"Yes," Knuckles replied.
Sonic held up another lead and nervously asked, "Shouldn't this plug into something?"
"Oh yeah," nodded Knuckles, "that joins up with the white cable."
"The white cable?"
"Yeah."
Sonic picked up the two cables and tried joining them together. Sparks flew and a hot blue flash gave Sonic an enormous shock which sent him flying over the consoles as the connection was blown apart by a small explosion. Shadow and Silver ducked down into balls.
"...Or is it the yellow cable?" Knuckles mused to himself and nodded. "Yes, it should have been the yellow cable."
The others picked themselves up off the floor. Sonic crawled out from behind the console, his spines sticking up on end and smoking as he curled up on his side, completely out of it, and Shadow began shaking with rage.
"You," he fumed, pointing accusingly at the computer, "are a total, total... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you ARE one. And a total, TOTAL one at that!"
"All right, keep you fur on."
"I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge," Shadow snapped.
"Yeah," Silver groggily agreed, "he's out to lunch, man." That was his way of saying that Knuckles' was losing it.
"He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot!" Shadow snorted, "He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me!"
Silver then pricked up his ears as an unfamiliar face appeared on one of the screens in the room. It was an Echidna face, like Knuckles, but this one had long grey fur and spines with white streaks and he looked stern as he took in the state of the room with empty white eyes.
"Hey, who's that?" the silver hedgehog asked uncertainly.
Shadow thought it was aliens but Knuckles began to look uncomfortable, staring up from his mobile trolley, clearly recognising the face on screen.
"Ix," he gulped.
"Who's Ix?" Shadow asked.
"I'm Imperator Pir'Oth IX," the new face said in a gruff, military sounding voice, "the Red Dwarf back-up computer. All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet are obliged to carry a back-up computer to replace the primary computer, if the primary computer contravenes Article Five. I am therefore assuming control of this vessel."
"This is mutiny, Imperator Ix!" Knuckles barked, "I'll see you swing from the highest yard-arm on Mobius Docking Port for this day's work."
"What's Article Five?" Shadow asked.
"Gross negligence," Ix answered, glowing at Knuckles, "leading to the endangerment of personnel."
"Hang on, he can't do this," Sonic protested, standing defensively next to the mobile trolley. He had a soft spot for Knuckles and he didn't like the way this new computer was looking at him. "Knuckles has an IQ of 6000!"
"Yeah, right on!" Knuckles nodded, grateful for the support.
"Is that what he told you?" Ix grunted.
Sonic and Shadow looked at each other. It wasn't exactly what he had told them - it was just what they remembered being told when they first signed up on Red Dwarf. Silver didn't know any better. Heck, Silver didn't even know what an IQ was.
"Well, what is it then?" Sonic asked cautiously.
"It has a 6 in it, but it's not 6000," Ix grunted away.
"What is it?" asked Silver.
"6."
"6? Do me a lemon!" Knuckles scoffed, "That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!"
"How come he knows the answers to all the questions about science and space that we ask him?" Sonic pointed out.
"He consults a book."
"What a slimeball!" Knuckles gasped, even more insulted now.
"He gets all his information on astronomy, phenomonology and physics from a single reference book."
"What's the book?" asked Shadow.
"The Junior Encyclopedia of Space," answered Ix, "It's the only one he could find that had pictures."
"That's slander, that is!" Knuckles said crossly, "You better find yourself a good lawyer, sunshine."
"So THAT'S why he's never on the case," Silver realised, working out now that Ix was basically trying to say that Knuckles was thick and about as intelligent as a door-nail.
"I AM on the case!" Knuckles said indignantly, "I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom."
"How come he can navigate us back to Mobius?" Sonic then asked, still trying to defend Knuckles even though it seemed like he was the only one at the moment. Silver and Shadow had given up on him.
"He can't," Ix told him, "You've been going around in circles for the last fourteen months."
Sonic was stunned. "You what?"
"A load of frogspawn, that is. A steaming pile of cow dung," Knuckles immediately bit back, "I'm onto his game. He's turning you against me so he can take over."
"This is not a matter for discussion," Ix boomed, turning his nose up at Knuckles, "The decision has been made. Your terminals have been bypassed. You've been retired."
"I'm in my prime!"
"You will be given light duties. Night watchman. From now on," Ix announced, "Red Dwarf is run by Imperator Ix."
'IX' was Roman numerals: 9. The 9th generation of the series 500 computer system. It was supposed to be just one step down from Knuckles' system but Shadow reckoned that the millenia in space had corroded Knuckles' circuits and that was why he was no longer up to the job of being the main computer.
Changes began being made almost immediately. Routines were established and things began to working in a precise and orderly fashion. Within hours of being made the main computer, Ix had announced a new bearing on Red Dwarf's journey and that they were now on a course for Mobius.
Sonic was lying on his bed again, a little upset by the new change in computer. Ix just didn't have the warm face that Knuckles did.
"Ah, Sonic," Shadow greeted as he marched into the room cheerfuly, "this is all a bit different, isn't it? See those Skutters, charging up and down the corridor, polising, reparing, sweeping? The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work. And when I say 'work', I mean they work when you turn them on, as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough, as they did under Knuckles' regime."
Sonic looked away and mumbled, "Yeah, I suppose."
Shadow could see he was still upset.
"Look, Sonic, no point feeling sorry about Knuckles. It's a kindness," he soothed, "He's like a blind old incontinent sheepdog - he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away." He shook his had solemnly. "And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him."
"Just think how Knuckles feels!" Sonic snapped at him.
"Feels?" Shadow sighed. "He never feels anything, Sonic. He's a computer."
"He still feels! In fact, sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines personality," Sonic pouted, sinking his face into his pillow. "My mate Tails once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was a neat idea; no matter how blind drunk you were, they would always get you home. Then he got ratted one night in Emerald City and woke up the next morning in Windmill Village. See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, you know? He had a helluva job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day! He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, y'know?"
"Is this true?"
"Yeah. Last thing he heard, they'd sort of robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, y'see."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Tails was really really blown away by it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him i t was alright and all that and that the shoes were happy and had gone to heaven. Y'see, it turns out shoes have soles."
The clock ticked and ticked until the digital time rolled over from 5:59 to 6:00am at which point a loud alarm sounded which got Shadow leaping from his bed, calling for it to be turned off.
It took him a few seconds for his vision to link up with his brain and he groggily blinked.
"Uh, Ix?" he mumbled, "Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o'clock?"
"That's the time you asked for," replied Ix gruffly without any emotion.
"Ah, now," Shadow nodded with a smile, "Knuckles and I had this little understanding. I would say 'Knuckles, wake me up at six o'clock without fail' and then Knuckles would pretend to forget and wake me up around ten with breakfast. Ok?"
Satisfied that he'd clearly sent the message across, Shadow went back to bed and tucked himself in. He had barely cosied himself before his alarm was sounding again.
"Off!" Shadow shouted, and sat up in bed, regarding the grim face of Ix on the screen. "Ix, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding: I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine." He shook his head head and resigned himself to the situation. "Alright. Give me a uniform."
"It's exercises first," said Ix.
Shadow flicked an ear at him and nodded.
"Ah, yes," he smiled, "Now once again, Knuckles, bless his little interface leads, and I had this understanding..."
"MOVE IT, BOY!" shouted Ix in a commanding tone and all of a sudden, Shadow's arms and legs, without consulting Shadow himself, began to rapidly exercise themselves in performing starjumps.
Shadow squeaked in terror, unable to stop himself. "What are you doing!?"
"What I'm doing, pilgrim," Ix replied, "is I'm putting you through the regulation five hundred jerks."
"But I don't want to!" Shadow whined, "Stop it!"
"And then your backside is on a three mile run."
"You can't just take over control of my body, willy-nilly!"
"The company is paying for your hologrammatic survival. And out here in space, I AM the company."
"Sonic!" Shadow called desperately, "Help me! Wake up, Sonic! Help me!"
Sonic immediately woke upon hearing someone call out his name in such a frightened tone of voice. Was it some kind of damsel in distress?
No. It was Shadow.
"What the heck's going on?" he gasped, eyes widening at the scene in front of him.
"Ix is making me fit!" Shadow whimpered. Ix made him sit down on the floor. "What are you doing? Crunch rolls? No! My stomach won't take it, it's too flabby!"
"One!" counted Ix.
Shadow cried out.
"Two!"
"Mercy!" Shadow cried out again.
"Three!"
"Help!"
"Four!"
"KnucklesandIhadthisunderstanding..."
"Five!"
"Yeee-es. Fight that flab!" Sonic encouragingly called out, proud of his bunkmate.
Silver had decided he'd suffered an empty stomach long enough through his sleep and approached one of the corridor vending machines when Shadow went jogging by.
"I want control of my own body!" he was still whining and protesting, "Getting fit is going to kill me! I'm going to faint!" Which is what he did, his head lolling back while his body carried on going.
Silver, on the other hand, was thumping the vending machine angrily.
"I said food!" he hissed, "Is anybody home?"
There was no response from the machine.
Sonic was brushing his quills and trying to squirt toothpaste into his mouth in the sleeping quarters when Shadow entered, his body still jogging although he was clearly out for the count.
"What's the matter with him?" Sonic asked, seriously worried as Shadow's body continued jogging on the spot.
"He fainted after the first 500 yards," Ix answered.
"What, you made him jog two a half miles unconscious?"
"It's regulation."
"Nice one, Ix!" Sonic laughed, his concern morphing into amusement. He considered it payback for all the pain he had been made to go through by Shadow.
"0700," Ix announced, "Time for his astronavigation study. I'd better wake him up."
Shadow's head lifted and a invisble hand slapped him several times until he woke with a start.
"Revise and learn pages 21-25. You will then be tested. If you fail, tomorrow you will take a five mile jog. I am now returning to you control of your body."
As soon as Shadow had his body back, he immediately crumpled down and flopped on the nearest chair, his wobbly legs unable to keep him standing any longer but still managing work up enough energy to flip the bird at Ix, just as Silver entered and marched up to Sonic.
"Hey, I can't get any food!" he complained to his caretaker.
"Try a different machine," Sonic told him.
"I tried them all!" Silver pouted and then made his voice go all deep like Ix's. "'I'm sorry," he imitated, 'You have runout of credits.' They've all gone crazy!"
"Ix, what's happened to the machines?" Sonic asked while Shadow faceplanted his study books, dribbling on one of the pages.
"I refer you to article 497," spoke Ix, "When a crewmember does not have credit, food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored."
"Naah," Sonic smiled, "Listen, me and Knuckles had this little understanding..."
"If you want food, you have to work."
Sonic looked as though he had been slapped and kicked in the tail.
"Work?" he repeated increduously.
"You better get to it," Silver told him, "'cause you're looking at one hungry hoggy."
"Both of you!" Ix demanded.
"Hey, hey! Woah woah woah!" Silver protested, holding up his hands, "I do not do the 'W' word. Hedgehogs do not 'work'."
"I've got a note from my mum!" Sonic nodded in agreement.
"From now on," Ix spat, "EVERYBODY works!"
Sure enough, Sonic and Silver were soon scrubbing the corridor floors in overalls and Sonic had a pair of rubber gloves on.
"I can't believe I'm doing this!" Silver cried, "Look at me, I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes!"
"Look, it's easy," Sonic whispered to him, "Keep imagining the floor as Ix's face."
Both looked at the floor, spat at it in unison and began rubbing hard at it with brushes.
"Aw, look at my paws!" Silver whimpered, holding up his previously white cotton coverings that he wore on his paws, "I had lovely gloves!"
"Well wear the smegging rubber gloves!"
"Marigold with blue?" Silver scoffed, gesturing to his light blue overalls, "Are you crazy? How long do we have to do this for, anyway?"
"We've only been doing it ten minutes."
"Ten minutes too long!"
"We've got to do it all day!"
"What!?" Silver shrieked, his spines sticking up. "The whole entire day? What about naps? I'm a hedgehog: I need some naps! If I don't nap throughout the day, I don't have enough energy for my main night-time walkabout!"
Just then, from a side corridor appeared a mounted monitor on a trolley and there was Knuckles, wearing a hat.
"Halt!" he called out, "Who goes there: friend or foe?"
"Knuckles!" Sonic grinned in delight, almost jumping up to hug that silly red face on the monitor.
"How ya doing?" Silver greeted, just as delighted to see him, "This is great! Hey, let me wipe your screen." He sprayed the monitor and buffed it with a rag and Knuckles looked touchingly pleased.
"So how's it going?" Sonic asked.
"Yeah, what you been up to, man?" added Silver
"Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy," Knuckles replied, "Shining my torch down corridors. Turning it off. Shining it again. Life's full."
"We can't go on like this, Knuckles," Sonic sighed.
"Yeah," agreed Silver again, "Ix has got to go! Look what he's done to my gloves! The guy is a maniac!"
It was then that Shadow jogged past and chipped in: "I agree!" before he was gone again.
"He's got us working - otherwise we don't eat!" Sonic told their former computer.
"Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing," Knuckles hummed, peering down his nose at the two hedgeogs on the floor, "Unlike certain senile gibbering wrecks of computers we could mention. Still, it ws nice to see everyone rallying round defending me to the hilt. Different story now, innit?"
"Well I defended you," Sonic pointed out, shaking his head at Silver.
"Oh I remember it well," Knuckles rolled his eyes, "Ix says I've got an IQ of 6 and you immediately leap to my defence, saying 'Really? That explains everything!'"
Sonic frowned at him in confusion. "No. That was Shadow!" Even then, he wasn't sure if Shadow had said that exactly. Maybe it had been Silver...
Whoever said it, it had definitely NOT been him!
"Nevertheless," Knuckles coughed, deciding that Sonic was still his favourite, "The fact remains that there are certain characters on this ship that don't believe my IQ is 6000."
"I believe you," Sonic told him earnestly.
"I could prove it, if I wanted to," Knuckles pressed.
"There's no need."
"I want to prove it."
"Well, okay, what's the square root of 2049?"
"Oh you want me to prove it, do you?"
"No, no!" Sonic hung his head.
"Clearly you do. Clearly just doing the square root of 2049 proves I have an IQ of 6000."
"What is it?" Silver asked, referring to the actual question.
Knuckles wiggled his nose. "...You wouldn't prefer a sports question, would you?"
"Forget it, Knuckles, it's just not important," Sonic said. He'd missed the computer and his funny quirks.
"It is for me," Knuckles told him, his purple eyes looking sad, "I've been impuned. I want to clear my name."
"Well, what IS the square root of..." Silver paused to remember, "...2049?
"...How about a space question?"
"Like what?" Sonic asked.
"I don't know. Like... what's the nearest planet to the sun?"
Sonic sighed. "What's the nearest planet to the sun?"
"Oh easy!" Knuckles scoffed, "Easy-peasy. That's right down my particular field of expertise, that is. Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is..." He stopped and bit his lip, discretely looking down as the edge of a book peeked into view briefly. "...Mercury."
"Yeah, that's right," Sonic nodded, smiling behind his paw.
"Oh ye of little faith," Knuckles said proudly, lifting his face into the air and swishing his spines.
"Well," Sonic shrugged, "You've convinced me, Knuckles."
"Me too," Silver nodded, "So are we getting rid of Ix or what?"
"Am I fully restored in your confidence as the right dude for the gig?"
"Yeah," Sonic decided.
Knuckles looked pleased with himself.
"...I'll be in touch."
He rolled off, whistling while Sonic and Silver got back to work with extra vigor, hoping that there might be light at the end of his tunnel at long last.
If he wasn't already dead, Shadow was sure he'd have died by now. He wondered if there was a possibility for someone to die twice. Well, technically there was if a hologram was wiped or if a hologram's light bee (the device that floated within the hologram to project it) was damaged. He was sat on his bed, hugging himself as he rocked back and forth, trying to regain feeling into his limbs.
His eyesight was blurry so all he could do was focus on the brightest, strongest colour in the room which was the back of Sonic's royal blue head.
Sonic was sat at the desk and took the lid of his meal of the evening that he'd worked hard all day to earn. It was to be his reward.
"He's taking the smeg!" Sonic growled, staring at his food in disgust.
Shadow blinked, his mouth hanging open in his dumb-founded exhaustion. "Who is?"
"Ix," Sonic replied and held up his plate. "Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea! I tell you, I am that far from cracking."
He had used his finger and thumb to empahsise how far he was but he now lowered them to pick up his fork where he tried to skewer his pea onto one of the prongs. The pea went flying off across the room, bouncing off the wall and vanishing from sight.
Poor Sonic was staring at where it had flown off with a crest-fallen face.
"I've lost my pea!" he cried and threw down his fork. "Oh, that's it! I've cracked!" With a thump, Sonic faceplanted his plate and gave a sobbing squeak.
"He's just doing this to destroy your morale," Shadow said, wobbling from side to side as he tried to keep upright.
"Is he?" Sonic snapped and then went venting his anger, "Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea!" He started looking around under his chair and under the table. "Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor, if it's covered in fluff, even under the bed with my toenail clippings - I don't care where it is! It's MY pea. I earned it. I'm going to eat it no matter what!"
Shadow blinked. "It flew off into your dirty sock basket."
Sonic stopped and sucked in his mouth, his triangular ears twitching back and forth.
"...I'll just have the toast," he decided and, picking up the dry toast he began to nibble at the crust. His face creased in misery. "Why didn't we stick up for Knuckles?"
"I did," Shadow mumbled.
"You did? When?"
"...All right, I didn't."
"Nobody did," Sonic whined, "It's terrible."
"We thought we were getting something better," Shadow told him and there was no denying that.
"What about trust?" said Sonic, "What about fidelity? What about simple, basic, honest friendship?"
"Friendship?" Shadow echoed with a roll of his eyes and carefully stood up. "Do you know how many people I've met in my life I could count as friends? True friends?"
Sonic wrinkled his nose and wouldn't look at him.
"Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal - one," he muttered in reply.
"I'll tell you," Shadow replied, ignoring the comment and pausing to think for a few minutes as he came and stood by the table. "...None. I got burned once and I learnt my lesson: don't trust anybody!"
He folded his arms and began his story.
"There was this one lad. Abraham Tower. I'd known him ten years. We were almost family. His dad was secretly knocking off my mum, that's how close we were. Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together."
"You were in the Space Scouts?" Sonic smiled, picturing a young Shadow in his natty little scout uniform and hat, making Star Trek hand signals and earning little space badges.
"Oh yeah," Shadow nodded and, sure enough, performed the Space Scout salute. "We were fifteen years old. We went on this survival course, twenty-four hours out in the wilds, sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and rain-water."
"What, did you go to Butlins?" Sonic joked but he was ignored again.
"We were each given a swiss army knife," Shadow went on, lying back down on his bunk and reminiscing. "You only ate what you killed yourself. I remember ten of the boys got together and decided to eat me. They tied me to a stake, lit a fire, and poured barbecue source all over me. They thought that since I was hedgehog, I probably tasted like pork. And I came with lots of free toothpicks too. I remember thinking, as I went round and round on the spit, 'Abraham will save me! He's my best friend'." Shadow shook his head. "It turned out Abraham was the ringleader - the commander! - and had actually bagsied my right flank. If it hadn't been for Yakka-Takka-Tulla, the Space Mistress, I honestly believe they would have eaten me."
"Oh come on, they were only bullying you," Sonic gulped, not wanting to entertain the idea of someone trying to eat hedgehogs, "They wouldn't really have eaten you. You know what kids are like." He abandoned his half-eaten bit of toast and hopped up onto his top bunk.
"The point is, Sonic," Shadow said, "friends are only friends when it suits them."
"Lights," Sonic called out, getting annoyed yet again with his bunkmate. This would explain so many things about Shadow.
The lights dimmed and Sonic curled up on his blanket.
"...Sonic? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?"
Sonic smirked. "I've been seeing her behind your back."
The three hedgehogs were under Ix's iron thumb in one of the computer rooms; Sonic and Silver were being made to clean every surface and screen and sweep the floor while Shadow was being tested on his astronavigation.
"Compute!" Ix ordered and Shadow stood up straight. "The product of the corellation of vx/dy minus the sum of the set v1 over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of D over F, given that K is a constant, and S is an interger variable."
Shadow opened his mouth but no noise came out for a few seconds.
"Just one small question..." he smiled awkwardly.
"Yes?"
"What does 'compute' mean?"
"Just do it! And you two suckers!" he turned savagely on Sonic and Silver, "Stop shirking and get working!"
Sonic and Silver immediately jumped to work from where they'd tried have a couple of seconds to lean on their brushes.
What they weren't aware of was the fact that Knuckles was making his way down the corridor on his mobile trolley with a determined face on. The Skutters parted to let him through, admiring his bravery as he headed for the computer room.
He entered the room and stood facing the largest screen where Ix's face was. Sonic, Shadow and Silver's own faces lit up as they saw him, hope kindled for just a brief second.
"Ix," Knuckles said. He barely shouted but his voice did sound a trifle more strong than his usual tired, flat tones.
"What do you want?" Ix snarled, glaring down at him from his large screen.
"I want my ship back," Knuckles told him, lifting his muzzle and trying not to be intimidated by the white furred Echidna's strong glaring eyes.
"Too bad," said Ix.
"You want Red Dwarf? You have to fight for her," Knuckles added.
The three hedgehogs all looked at each other in shock.
"Steady on, Knuckles," Sonic swallowed nervously. "This one's a nutter."
That was when Knuckles grimaced and finally glared back at the other computer interface.
"I challenge you to a game of your choice. May the greater mind win," he announced.
"Oh sweet Mobius..." Shadow facepalmed. This wasn't going to end well.
"The winner," Knuckles then said, "is commander of Red Dwarf."
"And for the loser?" Ix asked, with an amused smile.
"The loser," answered Knuckles with a tremour in his voice, "will be erased. Terminated. Oblivionised."
Shadow's shoulders fell and he shook his head sadly.
"Bye bye, Red," Silver murmured to the other two, waving at the screen as they all went to stand next to the trolley.
"Name your game," Knuckles then said, edging his trolley forward and trying to look more brave than he actually felt. Wild West cowboys in the movies made this look easy. Confrontation was actually a bit of a pants-wetting thing to go through in real life.
"Chess," answered Ix firmly.
"It can be anything," Knuckles gulped, fear flitting through his purple eyes, "Any game at all."
"Chess."
"Draughts, Poker, anything."
"Chess."
"Scrabble, Snakes and Ladders..."
"Chess."
"Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first."
"CHESS!"
Knuckles winced. "...So you like a bit of chess, do you? Transfer me to the monitor."
His face disappeared from the screen on the trolley and reappeared on the large monitor so that there were now two echidnas, one red and one white. Ix stared Knuckles down with a snarl on his face while Knuckles twitched apprehensively.
"Knuckles, don't do this, man," Sonic tried to say, more aggitated than ever, "You're going to get rubbed!" He could just about manage living under Ix's rule if he knew Knuckles was still around but the thought of not having Knuckles about full stop was too much to think about.
"A computer's got to do what a computer's gotta do," Knuckles told him as a 3D computer chess board appeared on a smaller monitor beneath the main screen. "Let battle commence."
"Pawn to King Four," Ix began immediately without hesitation, eager to annihilate this upstart, inferior computer echidna.
"Horsie to King Bish Three," Knuckles replied quietly.
"It's called a 'Knight' actually, Knuckles," Shadow groaned, already predicting the outcome of this game.
"Knight to King Bishop Three," Ix mirrored his move.
"Queen to Rook Eight. Checkmate."
"That's an illegal move."
"Oh sorry," Knuckles chuckled awkwardly, "Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of Poker."
Shadow covered his face in despair as Knuckles tried offering a game of Cluedo instead, even going so far as to offer the character of Colonel Mustard to Ix but Ix wasn't impressed.
Silver crept up to the screen and leant in close. "Pssst! If it's any help," he whispered, "I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging: every time you make a move, he makes one too!"
The two idiots winked at each other. "Thanks, Silver."
The game resumed in earnest, Knuckles and Ix battling back and forth as their pieces moved across the board, moving from square to square. Sonic, Shadow and Silver watched the battle's progress, growing more and more anxious, each one feeling sick to their stomachs.
"Pawn to to King Four."
"Knight to King Bish Three."
"Bishop to Knight Five."
The pieces moved faster, the moves being barked out in quick succession as the two of them fought for control. Ix was glaring down at Knuckles but Knuckles, much to the hedgehog's pride, was matching his unblinking stare.
"Bishop-Pawn takes Pawn."
"Bish takes Pawn."
Then Ix gave a smug smile and every hedgehog's heart (except Shadow, who didn't have a real one) skipped a cold beat.
"Bishop to Knight Five," Ix announced triumphantly, "Double Check and Mate, sucker!"
Knuckles blinked. "...Oh yeah. I didn't see that."
"Knuckles, man, what have you done?" Sonic cried, the brush falling from his hands.
"He's lost," Shadow moaned.
"And the loser gets erased," Ix chuckled wickedly.
Knuckles looked down sheepishly. "Noughts and Crosses?"
Nothing could be done. A deal was a deal and a bet was a bet; Knuckles kept his word and agreed that he, as the unfortunate loser, would be erased from Red Dwarf, giving complete and total control to Imperator Ix.
Sonic, Shadow and Silver were gathered in the sleeping quarters, Shadow on his lower bunk and Sonic on the top, stroking Silver's head comfortingly. All three looked thoroughly despressed.
"What kind of plan was that?" Shadow muttered, rubbing his snout.
"A stupid plan," Silver sniffed, "that's what kind of plan it was."
"Well, why didn't we stop him?" Sonic sighed.
"We thought he had something up his sleeve," Shadow answered and shook his head.
"Now we've got Ix forever," Silver squeaked and rooted his nose deeper into Sonic's leg, "and that's a long time."
Knuckles' face appeared on the screen on the wall. He looked sad and found it difficult to look up and meet their gaze.
"Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye," he said.
"So, you're defnitely going to get rubbed, Knuckles?" Sonic asked, a small part of him hoping that there might be a way out of this. Like Knuckles would just be saved to a removeable device like a USB stick or someting. Like there was a chance that they could restore the computer at some point.
"'Fraid so," Knuckles told him, dashing that hope.
"Life's going to be hell!" Shadow groaned.
Knuckles bit his lip and gave them a brave smile.
"Well, see you Sonic," he said, looking at the blue hedgehog, "Hope it works out with you and Amy."
Sonic felt tears in his eyes. "Cheers Knux."
"See you, Silver," Knuckles then said to the silvery hedgehog, "Hope one day, in the not too distant future, you fulfill your heart's desire and get your way."
Silver's lower lip wobbled. "Thanks man."
"And, Shadow?" Knuckles finally said, looking at the black and red hedgehog, "...Well, I hope you meet those aliens you're looking for, who can give you a body, and you become an officer and you get a sex life and all the other millions of things you feel you need to make you happy."
Shadow swallowed and looked gratefully at the echidna. "Thanks, Knuckles."
Knuckles nodded and looked at the three of them for one last time, almost fondly, proudly, exactly like an old father addressing his sons as he lay on his deathbed. He only wanted the best for them and wished he could have finished the journey with them.
"Well, I hate long goodbyes," Knuckles sighed, "Perhaps next time you've got the dosh together to go down to the disco room, you'll raise a glass to your old mate, Knuckles, and think, 'things weren't too bad when he was around. Perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented, but we had a giggle'."
The hedgehogs wiped at their damp fur, furiously trying to hide the fact that they were beginning to cry.
"Oh, one last thing," Knuckles laughed, "45.265881."
"What?" Sonic asked in a shaky voice.
"That's the square root of 2049," Knuckles smiled at them, "I may not be fast, but I get there in the end."
He let out a final puff of non-existant air and a look of calm washed over him as he nodded.
"Well, as they always say, finish on a song."
He began singing quietly to himself as his voice and face grew fainted and fainter. 'ERASE' appeared in big ominous red lettering on the monitor and the hedgehogs could barely hear Knuckles' static voice.
A moment later, he was gone and a new message appeared: 'ERASE COMPLETED'.
The hedgehogs felt empty and very, very alone. But they didn't have time to mourne before Ix was showing his evil face on the screen where Knuckles had once been.
"Okay, suckers," he barked, "get this into your stupid, thick heads. There's only one thing I'm going to say to you."
Sonic glared at the face.
"What?" he hissed.
"...What's happening, dudes?"
The three of them froze and their eyes darted to the screen. That voice! That voice had sounded just like...
Ix's face began to change and morph as white fur transitioned to red and there was Knuckles, smiling smugly like he'd never smiled before.
"We are talking Jape of the Decade," Knuckles giggled, unable to repress his merriment, "We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool."
Sonic stared. Shadow stared. Silver stared. Three mouths hung open.
"Yes, that's right," Knuckles smirked, "I am Ix."
"WHAT!?" all three shouted and they hopped off the bunks to stand in the middle of the room.
"Ix never existed. It was ME all along!"
"WHAT!?"
"Wheeze of the week, mate."
"WHAT!?"
"Going round in circles for fourteen months!" Knuckles joked, "Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space! The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?"
"You mean you staged the whole thing?" Sonic cried. He felt and looked as though he'd been slapped with a cold wet fish.
Knuckles lifted his face and suddenly spoke in Ix's voice, "That's right suckers!"
Everything had been fake! Knuckles had convinced each of them that a better, smarter comptuer had taken over Red Dwarf. He'd been Imperator Ix, organising things on Red Dwarf, excercising and testing Shadow, making Sonic and Silver uphold the company rules of working, battling himself with chess, pretending to win against himself...
"And the morale of the story is:" Knuckles said in conclusion, "Appreciate what you've got because, basically, I'm fantastic!"
Next Time...
Sonic, Shadow and Silver are told that they can teleport back to Mobius. However, they instead end up in a parallel world where they meet their female counterparts. And the natural laws are VERY different in this universe...