Before we begin this episode, I would like to make an official apology. Not to the reader, but to Sonic. I'm sorry. If it weren't needed for the overall series, I would skip it but... I'm so sorry.
"PARALLEL UNIVERSE"
A solid beat and the groove started.
Up front was Silver, a winning pop star grin on his face, dressed in a pink sequin suit with frills. Either side were his backing dangers and support singers, Sonic and Shadow, also in matching pink suits with frills. Shadow's hologram 'H' was jewel-studded and all three of them clicked and clacked across the stage in their white kitten heel shoes and Silver opened his mouth and began singing. The three of them gave a performance that would send young girls throwing their underwear in waves...
"No, this isn't the one..." Silver mumbled. He was sat in the sleeping quarters and going through the dream recorder while Sonic was sittin at the table, shuffling cards, and Shadow was on a hologram exercise bike.
"What isn't?" Sonic asked.
"I'm looking for this dream I had last night on the dream recorder," Silver told him, "It was sensational!"
"What was it about?"
Silver stood up and grinned. "Me, three girls and a family size tub of banana yogurt!"
Shadow wrinkled his nose as he looked at Silver with digust.
"You know," he commented, "wild animals have a very strange attitude to women, if you ask me."
"Say what, Goalpost Head?" Silver growled, recognising a challenge when he saw one. Perhaps they could settle this spike to spike, like hedgehogs were supposed to. Never mind the fact that Shadow's quills would pass harmlessly through Silver.
Shadow went about peddling on the exercise bike. "It's all about mating. No sense of settling down and having a long-term relationship."
Another thing that Mobian animals had adjusted to, along with wearing clothes, was leaving behind their original instincts to breed with several different mates and instead choose to adopt the idea of settling down with one person. Silver, still being relatively wild, had trouble with this.
"Hey, I want to settle down!" he insisted, "And as soon as I find the right small group of girls, the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy." He turned and swept out of the room, his quills raised in pride.
"You see?" Shadow sneered, nodding his head in Silver's direction, "Living in the wild still. Totally maladjusted."
"That's rich, you know," Sonic scoffed, glancing at him, "I mean, coming from the man who's favourite book is 'How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis'."
"There's nothing wrong with that, Sonic, it's a good book." Shadow slowed his pedalling down. "Full of handy hints as well, and it works."
"Get outta town," Sonic laughed.
"That's how I met Bunnie," Shadow told him, getting off his hologram exercise bike, "By hypnotising her."
"You hypnotised a girl into going out with you?" Sonic almost choked on his tongue. It was one of the sickest things he'd ever heard.
"Yes," Shadow nodded, "I gave her the old 'there's something in your eye' technique, fixed her with a mesma stare..." Shadow gave a demonstration of the stare which was very creepy "...and bingo! She agreed to come on a date."
Sonic, thrown into unease by the face Shadow had just pulled, shivvered and went back to shuffling his cards again.
"What was wrong with her?" he asked.
"Nothing."
"C'mon," Sonic grinned, "a girl agrees to out with you and there was nothing wrong with her?"
As had been previously mentioned, there was nothing wrong with any of the hedgehog's looks. In fact, as a species went, hedgehogs were decidedly attractive. It all boiled down to personality and, in this instance, Shadow's blossoming personality along with his smarmy expressions that he frequently wore were the main factors in warding off female suitors.
"She was an extremely attractive and bright young lady," Shadow grumbled, getting cross.
"Hmm," Sonic chuckled quietly, "it must work then."
"Of course, she had an artificial arm."
"What?" Sonic dropped a card.
"Oh, tastefully done," Shadow assured, "Quality metal. No rivets.
Of course, now Sonic needed to hear this story. "Come on, what happened?"
"Well," Shadow began, sucking in his teeth and wandering around the room, "things were a little bit stilted in the taxi. All my jokes about her arm hadn't gone down too well. And they were good gags, I mean quality gags like: "Don't worry, you're safe with me. I'm totally 'armless." No cheap shots. Anyway, when we got to the restaraunt she must have had an attack of nerves or something. She said she was going to the bathroom and ended up climbing out of the toilet window."
"...I wonder why?" Sonic muttered into his hand of cards.
"It's NOT because she didn't want to see me, Sonic," Shadow hurriedly told him, "She phoned the next day and said how much she'd love to come on another date with me, only suddenly she had to move to Pluto..."
Sonic lifted his head up and looked at his bunkmate despairingly. "You're a sad weasle of a hedgehog, you that Shadow?"
"No," Shadow pouted, "I'm just ill at ease with the opposite sex."
"That's 'cause you see them as some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery," Sonic told him in an exasperated tone, "They're not. They're people. You don't need your book on hypnosis and, and... what's the other one? '1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines'?"
"Sonic, I DO need that, it's brilliant! Those chat-up lines are guaranteed!"
"There's no such thing."
Shadow glared at Sonic's head and then marched crossly to the other side of the room.
"All right," he snapped, "You be a woman, okay?"
Sonic tense and deadpanned Shadow as if he couldn't believe he was being serious.
"Sort of, on your own, in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra..."
Sonic was still staring at him, unimpressed, for a few more seconds.
"Okay, go on," Sonic then relented with a sigh and he turned around, discarding his cards and getting into the role. He straightened his back and picked up his beer with an elegant hand, jutting out his chest and folding his legs in a feminine way.
What no-one else in the universe knew was that if there was one talent that Sonic was mind-blowingly good at, it was pretending to be a woman (see: 'Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog').
"This is the most incredible chat-up line you will hear in your entire life," Shadow told him confidently but Sonic was getting impatient.
"Go on," he repeated, still not liking the idea of Shadow trying to chat him up. He flicked his quills over his shoulder and became a true embodiment of a femme fatale.
"All right," Shadow nodded, talking to himself now, "In a bar, on your own..."
Out of the corner of his eye, Sonic could see Shadow raise his quills and broaden his own chest in a manly way before waltzing up to him smoothly.
"Excuse me," Shaodw purred flirtatiously in a chocolate voice, "would you like to join me for a cocktail?"
Sonic was close to vomiting in his mouth but he kept up his role like the dedicated actor he was although he did let his ears twist back against his head, clearly uncomfortable.
"No."
Shadow blinked. "No, you can't say 'no'!" he whined, "It doesn't work if you say no, you've got to say yes."
With another eye roll, Sonic apologised. "Go on," he prompted, swirling his drink around.
"So," Shadow continued, composing himself, and put on his flirty voice again which always suceeded in making Sonic shudder, "Would you like a Wormdo?"
"What's that then?"
Shadow faltered once more. "What's... what?" he tried asking with a hint in his voice.
"A Wormdo?" Sonic replied, completely bored.
"What about it?" Shadow was hinting again.
Now Sonic was really confused.
"...Is this still the opening line?" he asked, breaking character and turning around.
"You're not giving me the right replies!" Shadow cried, also breaking character.
"What IS the right reply?"
"I come up to you and say 'Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail?', you say 'YES', I say 'Would you like a Wormdo?', you say 'What's a Wormdo?' and I say..."
"Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that?" Sonic finished, wiggling his finger in front of him.
Shadow gave a frustrated grunt. "You know it!"
"Shadow," Sonic chuckled and downed the rest of his beer, "you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one."
Thankfully, Knuckles appeared before another argument sprang up.
"Eureka. I've done it!" he announced, his face appearing on the screen.
"Done what?" Sonic asked, glad to see their computer. And no Imperator Ix to be seen or heard.
"The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich," Knuckles smiled, "Samuel Morse invented the Morse Code, Plato invented the plate... and now I, Knuckles, have invented the Knuckle-Hop Drive."
"Ooh," Shadow chirped sarcastically, "I can't wait to see it."
"It's monumental, this," Knuckles told them, "The Knuckle-Hop can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space."
"What, you mean... we could go back to Mobius?" Sonic asked, hoped appearing in his eyes.
"In a matter of seconds," Knuckles grinned proudly.
"You mean, we go back to Mobius, like, right now?" Sonic said, getting to his feet excitedly, "This instant?"
"Right on," Knuckles nodded.
"Rock and roll!" Sonic cheered, fist-pumping the air.
A small grey box ws sat on the table in the computer room. On top were two buttons - one red and one green - and the whole thing looked like it had been made from an cardboard box. 'Knuckle-Hop Drive' was scrawled across it in red felt-tip pen.
Sonic, Shadow and Silver stood around and stared at it, lost for words.
"Is this it?" Sonic asked, trying not to shout.
"What d'you think?" Knuckles smugly smiled, his eyes half closed.
"It's just a box with 'STOP' and 'START' on it!" Sonic cried, lightly picking it up and turning the weightless thing over in his paws.
"It's fairly straightforward," Knuckles agreed, not picking up on the negative feedback, "If you want to start it, press 'Start'. You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself."
"It's absolutely pathetic," Shadow sneered, shaking his head. He'd got dressed for this? He might as well have stayed in his gym kit and have a few more sessions on his exercise bike.
"Right," Knuckles pressed on briskly, "Let's Knuckle-Hop! Engage Drive... Drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated."
"Get on with it," Shadow complained.
"Takes time, this!" Knuckles scolded, "One slight error in any one of my 13 billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens!" Wasn't the most comforting thing a slightly estrained super computer could have told them... "Here we go then... 10... 9... 8... 6... 5..."
"You missed out the '7'," Shadow called out angrily.
"Did I?" Knuckles said, surprised, "I've always had a bit of a blind spot with 7's."
Shadow found himself smiling. "We're going to diiiie..." he sang merrily.
Knuckles then said he'd start lower down. "... 1. Blast off."
Sonic hit the green button.
Silence.
"We've done it," Knuckles announced, "We're home."
Nothing felt different. They hadn't even felt the ship wobble.
"It worked?" Shadow asked, increduously, scarcely believing Knuckles had pulled off something this incredible.
"We're at Mobius? You must be joking," Sonic chuckled, looking to check the computers.
"Half a mo," Knuckles told them and his face disappeared temporarily from the screen as he went to check something. He was back a moment later, confused. "It's gone!" he gasped.
"What has?" Silver asked, probably the most confused out of everyone on the ship considering he didn't actually know what was supposed to happen in the first place.
"Mobius," Knuckles replied, getting panicked, "It's missing! It's not there... Wait a minute... Sorry, I was looking out the wrong window." His face vanished again. "No!" he confirmed, his face frowning as he reappeared, "No, it HAS gone! The entire solar system is missing!"
Sonic pressed his hands into his face. This was worse that Shadow's chat-up line attempts or his sorry story about the girl with the fake arm.
"Well what is actually out there?" Shadow asked suspiciously.
"Nothing," answered Knuckles, "Just space."
Shadow let out a slow breath and stood up. "Knuckles..." he said calmly, "The thought occurs... that we haven't actually reached Mobius. The further thought occurs... that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch."
Knuckles, however, was adamant. "No, no we HAVE. It's just..." Knuckles looked a little sheepish, "...I don't know where we are. I've got to admit it: I've flamingoed up."
His reasoning for that was that people often used cockerals to emphasis their mistakes (Shadow didn't bother correcting him on that) and that since a flamingo was much bigger than a cockeral, to 'flamingo up' rather than 'cock up' meant that the mistake was also much bigger.
"Wait...!" the computer suddenly broke off, "There IS something out there. It's another ship."
"Aliens!" Shaodw shouted, getting excited now.
Again, it was shown that Shadow had a bit of a weird fascination with aliens which was incredibly ironic seeing as if they DID meet anything extraterrestrial, Shadow would be the first one to use his own secret power by teleporting away to hide under the bed. Sonic could run fast, Shadow could teleport. Time would tell if Silver could do anything.
"Punch it up," ordered Sonic as they gathered around the screen.
"Looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf," Knuckles noted and, sure enough, on the screen appeared ANOTHER Red Dwarf, the enormous mining vessel as big as 3 cities, so large you had to take time off work if you wanted to travel from one end of the ship to the other. The colossol red beast of a ship that the three hedgehogs had been calling home for the past 3 million years.
"Eh? So what's happened?" Sonic asked, bewildered.
"Somehow - don't ask me how - we've jumped into a Parallel Universe," explained Knuckles, "We've entered the 5th dimension." This 5th dimension, according to Knuckles, was known as 'Co-Existing Reality'; two bodies that share the same space but are unaware of each other's existance.
"Sounds like my parents in bed," Shadow murmured.
"So, hang on," said Sonic, "This is another Red Dwarf with another Shadow and Sonic on board?"
"Will they be exactly the same as us?" Shadow asked, anxiously remembering the drama with the other Shadow hologram and grimacing when he recalled the gazpacho soup reveal.
"No, there'll be differences," Knuckles replied, "It's a parallel universe, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, for instance, in this universe, it could be that the Nocturnus Clan won the Echidna Civil War. Could be something even more incredible like, in this universe, Big the Cat went on to be the lead star in a really successful video game series. Oh, hang on!" Knuckles suddenly broke off. "I'm linking up with their on board computer."
Another face appeared beside Knuckles. Another Echidna. But Female.
"Hello," she greeted, "I'm Nuckles." She was a pretty little thing but looked just as ditzy as their own echidna.
"Hello, I'm Knuckles," Knuckles smiled.
"Hello Knuckles."
"Hello Nuckles."
"Well, this is a turn-up, innit? You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out."
"Right on, sis."
"See you, Knuckles."
"See you, Nuckles."
Then she was gone and, for a moment, no-one spoke.
"I'm in there!" Knuckles grinned.
Using one of their transport vehicles, Sonic, Shadow and Silver were soon flying over to the second Red Dwarf and with them they took one of their blue-grey Skutters, Gamma. The ehips felt exactly the same as theirs and even looked the same.
"It's identicle in every detail to our Red Dwarf," Shadow noted, looking around as their Skutter hummed off to explore on its own.
Silver hadn't had a clue what was going on all day and as far as he was concerned, these hallways and corridors may as well have been a part of his roaming territory had it not been for one thing...
"There's a very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit," he growled and raised his spines. "I'm gonna get rid of it." He pulled out one of his purfume bottles and began spraying it, rubbing against the pipes and walls like he did on his own ship as he wandered off down corridors in the opposite direction of the Skutter.
Shadow and Sonic weren't worried about him; Sonic was aware that Silver knew his way around Red Dwarf and Shadow often hoped that their 'pet' hedgehog would get himself so lost that he would never be seen again.
"So where's the other Sonic and Shadow?" Sonic wondered, finding a door and opening it.
On the other side, he found them.
Standing in the doorway was another blue hedgehog and another black and red hedgehog hologram. The blue one had green eyes and the other had pale red. The only major difference that could be gleaned from the confrontation was the other Sonic and Shadow were females.
"So you're not aliens," Female Shadow noted, holding herself with her arms behind her back as Male Shadow would hold himself. She was even dressed in his current attire; the grey uniform of a second technician. Her 'H' caught the reflection of the ceiling lights.
The other Sonic, meanwhile, hadn't taken her eyes off her male counterpart and was decidedly 'checking him out'.
"Hi," she purred.
"Hi," Sonic murmured back, also looking her up and down.
He knew his blue colouring was handsome on a boar, that is, a male hedgehog, but he hadn't realised how pretty and attractive it was on a sow, that is, a female hedgehog. Shadow, on the other hand, was taken aback by how smart his striking red and black colouration was. He saluted his female counterpart and she did the same while the two Sonics stood, milimeters apart, smiling shyly at one another.
"How do you do?" Female Shadow asked, cordially.
"How do you do?" Male Shadow asked back smoothly, impressing himself that he sounded relatively at ease.
It was clear that everyone was trying to make a good impression of themselves.
"So you must be Sonic?" Male Sonic assumed.
"And you are too," Female Sonic nodded, smiling.
"I hope so."
"You must be Shadow," Female Shadow began. She even spoke like her counterpart. "So am I."
"Splendid," Male Shadow replied.
It was all a little awkward.
Elsewhere on the ship, Silver had decided to make his way back to find his crewmates while their Skutter was still tootling about and happened to pass one of the counterpart Skutters - a smoke-pink coloured robot that stopped and eagerly began to pursue the grey-blue one with a whistle.
"So you come from a universe that's exactly the same as ours?" Sonic(M) was saying to his counterpart as they mooched on over to the sleeping quarters for a drink. "Only, everything is opposite?"
He glanced around the room as Sonic(F) gave him a drink. The bunks were the same and the rest of the furniture was the same except the posters on the wall were different. Here, the Zero-G football posters had female players and the pin-ups of girls that were on the back of the wardrobe back home were now pin-ups of boys instead.
"Well, I don't know if everything is opposite," Sonic(F) replied, "It seems like that."
"You come from a female-oriented society?"
"It's not exactly female-oriented anymore," Sonic(F) answered, swigging a gulp from her beer, "not since the 60's, you know, with the Equal Rights for Men marches. When they burnt their jockstraps and all that."
"Stop," Sonic(M) almost laughed. It didn't sound like it could be true.
"Haven't you read, 'The Male Eunuch' by Jeremy Greer?" Sonic(F) lifted her can at Sonic(M) and took another drink.
"So your history is parallel to ours as well? So, hang on... Erm... who was the first person on the moon?"
"Nellie Armstrong."
"...Who wrote Hamlet?"
"Will Shakespeare," Shadow(F) answered, stepping into the room with Shadow(M) close behind.
"Ah, so he was a bloke?" Sonic(M) asked.
"No, she was a woman!" Sonic(F) told him, "Wilma Shakespeare."
"Yes, she wrote all the greats," Shadow(F) nodded, and continued before Sonic(F) could make a wisecrack about the fact that Shadow(F) probably hadn't even read any of it. "Rachael the Third, Taming of the Shrimp..."
"What's this?" Shadow(M) shuddered, looking down at the desk where several magazines were lying open.
"Oh, 'Camera Monthly' magazine," Shadow(F) told him proudly.
"But, it's disgusting!" Shadow complained, wrinkling his nose, "It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars!" Of course, he had a camera monthly magazine too - full of semi-naked babes draping themselves over sports cars.
"What wrong with that?" Shadow(F) smiled seductively, moving closer to him, "You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you?"
"So sexual attitudes are opposite as well?" Sonic(M) muttered, leaning back against the bunk.
Shadow(F) turned flirtatious eyes towards him. "What's that my little cupcake?" she smiled and batted her eyelashes at him.
"Your little what?" Sonic(M) squeaked, backing away hurriedly.
"But it just looks ridiculous," Shadow(M) went on, staring at the magazines with a pained expression. "I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed... makes one feel quite inadequet." He then held himself very protectively as his female counterpart stalked towards him agian.
"I wouldn't worry about that my pretty," she crooned, sliding her finger over his back so that his spines tightened up and pricked her paw.
"Hey, holograms can touch each other!" Sonic(F) pointed out with a smile.
Shadow(M) looked less than thrilled. Curse his good-looks, he thought to himself.
Poor Silver wasn't having as good a time as he woud have hoped. When he met up with Shadow and Sonic, he had come face to face with a real life female hedgehog. Two of them, in fact. But they looked and smelt like his crewmates and that was a real turn-off in SIlver's opinion. A female version of himself however wasn't something he would shy away from but even those hopes were dashed when he found out his counterpart wasn't female at all.
Silver's counterpart was a fox. A very friendly fox, that much was true, but a fox all the same - a wild hedgehog's enemy. Sonic may have been comfortable befriending foxes, SIlver had thought miserably, but not him!
Knuckles had announced that it would take seventeen hours to repaire the Hop Drive and so the Sows had decided to throw a bit of a party later on. Silver was adamant that he wasn't going to socialise with the shaggy fox at all, no matter how much the brown furred creature tried to get him to dance. The two Sonics were perfectly happy dancing together on the dance floor and drinking larger while the two Shadows sat at a table and watched them like parents watching their respective children play.
To be more accurate, Male Shadow was watching them but Female Shadow often stole lustful gazes in his direction from time to time.
"Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?" Shadow(M) remarked, hoping to break the tension somewhat.
"Yes," Shadow(F) agreed, swishing her long dark quills, "Absolutely."
Thus started one fo the most awkward conversation in hedgehog history.
"Oh yes," Shadow(M) nodded.
"Like a house on fire."
"You can say that again.
"Oh yes."
An uncomfortable pause.
"Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on her."
"Oh yes, yes."
"Absolutely."
Shadow(M) turned to her. "Funny really. I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex."
"No, I'm not," Shadow(F) agreed, "I run out of things to say."
"Me too."
Another long pause stretched out until Shadow(M) cleared his throat.
"So you're a girl then?"
Shadow(F), looking very beautiful but... smarmy... lowered her lashed eyelids and smirked. "Yes."
"That's nice."
"Hang on," Shadow(F) suddenly said, leaning towards him, "Haven't you got something in your eye?" She stared at him, unnerving Shadow(M) to his holographic bones. He almost couldn't look away from her mesmer stare and he hurriedly shook his head in horror at what had nearly happened.
"You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?" he growled accusingly, breaking eye contact.
"No, of course not!" Shadow(M) hurriedly denied.
"Well stop staring then!"
"I'm not staring."
"Yes you are."
"Okay, I read it in this book," Shadow(F) admitted with a shrug, "It's great for picking up bits of tottie."
Shadow(M) narrowed his eyes at her. "Well I'd hardly describe myself as a 'bit of tottie'," he huffed, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"Oh yes," Shadow(F) got up and smiled as she stood over him, "Tottie, tottie, tottie."
"I think you've had rather too much to drink," Shadow(M) gulped, leaning away from her advancing, curvacious figure. "I always get like this when I'm tanked up."
"C'mon, you're interested," Shadow(F) whispered sweetly, moving her face close to his pricked ears.
"I assure you, I'm not!" Shadow(M) gulped, leaning away even more.
"Why are you giving me all the signs then?"
"What signs?"
"Wearing such tight-fit trousers?" She tapped his thigh.
"They're not tight!"
"Yes they are! You're begging for it."
"I'm not 'tottie' and I'm not begging for anything!" poor Shadow(M) squeaked.
"Come on, give us a snog, I promise I won't try to take off your underpants!" She was now practically lying on him.
"Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of gir- boy."
Shadow(F) stood herself back up and shrugged and then caught Sonic(F)'s eye from across the room.
"Frigid," she mouthed to her, pointing at her counterpart and sitting back in her own seat.
"You're disgusting!" Shadow(M) complained, looking at her in disbelief. "You're only after me for one thing!"
Shadow(F) gave him an icy smile. "Why?" she slurred, "How many have you got?"
Silver had never remained so spiked up for so long but he simply couldn't help it when that fox was still lurking about. Could be worse... he could've been a badger instead. Badgers were strong enough to prise a hedgehog out of a ball.
Despite this, he was still hanging around with the fox, just to distract himself from the two females who were wafting their pheremones all over the place but still looked like Sonic and Shadow.
"You're a great conversationist, you know that?" Sonic(M) heard Silver hiss at the fox, who had said his name was Merlin.
"I am," Merlin agreed, "but I ain't said nothing yet."
"Yeah, that's what I like best."
Shadow(M) was pressed into his seat looking exactly like someone who had met his worst nightmare and finding out that it's himself. As soon as he saw Sonic(M), his beloved bunkmate, he hurriedly waved at him, beckoning him over. His female counterpart, utterly drunk, was trying to lick his ears and looked ready to start circling him.
"Sonic!" Shadow(M) called cheerfully, "How are you, my old mate! Come and join us! Please, Chaos, come and join us!"
Now that she'd been interrupted, Shadow(F) got back up and gave Sonic(M) the quick once over.
"I won't be long," she promised and stroked Shadow(M)'s fur before addressing Sonic(M), "Oh, and if you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs." She then flounced off to find her own Sonic.
"What was all that about?" Sonic asked uncomfortably.
"That is the most awful woman I have ever met," Shadow panted, trying to calm down from all the 'attention' that had been smothered on him in an attempt to get his quills to stand up.
"She's you," Sonic pointed out as he took the spare seat.
"She's absolutely repugnant!" Shadow huffed, "She doesn't treat me like I'm a normal person at all. She seems to regard my as some sort of discardable sex object."
"She's the female equivilient of you."
"Nonsense. She's maladjusted," Shadow snorted, "Trust my luck to wind up with El Weirdo while you tramp off with the one with the nice legs."
That took Sonic by surprise; he couldn't tell the difference between his legs and his counterpart's legs.
"She thinks of men the exact same way you think of women," he told his bunkmate.
"She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way!" Shadow went on complaining, "I was just walking! Can I help it if I happen to be sexy?" He let out a sigh. "What's the other one like?" He was talking about the other Sonic.
"Totally gross," Sonic replied, "She's unbelievable. She tried to impress me by drinking a 6 pack of larger and belching the whole of 'Yankee Doodle Dandee'."
"That's your party piece, isn't it?
"Yeah but when I do it, it's really stylish, man."
Shadow looked down at the table.
"So you think you'll, um..." he cocked his head sharply to one side.
"Get out of town!" Sonic protested, blushing, "I mean, she's a good laugh and all that, but all she wants to do is get completely blitzed out of her brains and eat chilli dogs. I mean, call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive.
Over on the other side, the girls were also discussing their male counterparts.
"How are you getting on then?" Sonic asked as her bunkmate sat down with a smarmy look on her face.
"Well, put it this way," she replied, "They'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight. Wallop! Eh?"
Sonic raised her eyebrow. "He doesn't look too interested to me," she commented, "He looks more sort of... petrified."
"He just doesn't want me to think he's the Ship's Bike," Shadow chuckled, "But I'm getting the signs. He crossed his legs and amde pretty darn sure I saw he was wearing sock suspenders." She made an approving noise.
"Shadow," Sonic smiled, "he's not interested."
"Maybe not now," Shadow winked, "but wait til I hit him with the Wormdo line."
Later on that evening, things had progressed on all fronts. The Shadows had become more one-sided than ever in their relationship while the Sonics were getting more drunk.
Shadow(M) wasn't waiting to hear the Wormdo line and he crawled up to the table where the two Sonics were in the middle of a drinking game.
"Knuckles," he hissed into Sonic(M)'s watch, "how long until the Hop Drive's fixed? When can we get out of here?"
Knuckles and his counterpart, Nuckles appeared on M!Sonic's computer wrist watch. There was a suspicious lipstick mark on his muzzle.
"We're busy fixing it right now, aren't we Nuckles?" Knuckles replied while Nuckles looked sheepishly guilty next to him.
"What's that mark on your face, Knux?" Sonic(M) asked in a flat voice.
"What mark?" Knuckles looked around innocently.
"The lipstick mark."
"That's not a lipstick mark," Nuckles coughed, "That's a computer rash."
"Knuckles, just get the Hop Drive fixed and get me out of here," Shadow(M) pleaded.
"What's the matter?" Sonic(F) asked, her keen hearing picking up the entire conversation, "Aren't you having a good time?"
"A good time?" Shadow(M) laughed insanely and leant closer to his bunkmate's ear, lowering his voice into a whisper. "Sonic, I'm going to bed now. By myself. On my own. Alone. If she comes back, tell her... tell her I've got a headache or something."
"Why, where's she gone?" Sonic(M) asked quietly.
"She's gone to get some 'sexy videos'," Shadow(M) winced, "She seems to think seeing two men together might turn me on."
"Where are you sleeping?"
"I'm not telling you, it's too risky."
"Come on, what are you? A man or a munchkin?"
Shadow(M) raised his eyebrows and sang, "I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz..." as he skipped away.
Sonic(M) shrugged and went back to the drinking game with his counterpart, not foreseeing anything bad happening at all.
When he woke the following 'morning', his head was pounding and he felt uncomfortable.
"Uh... did I get drunk or did I get drunk...?" he slurred and rubbed his face. After he pulled his thumb out of his mouth.
It took him a couple of seconds to realise that he was in Shadow's bunk. It took him a further second to realise that he wasn't alone in Shadow's bunk.
"Uh oh," he grunted, laying eyes on his female counterpart splayed out beside him. They were both wearing the same pajamas, amazingly.
"Uh... did I get drunk or did I get drunk...?" Sonic(F) groaned, removing her own thumb from her own mouth and sitting herself up.
"Hi," Sonic(M) moaned.
Sonic(F) stared at him, horrified. "Hi..." she answered nervously.
"Listen..." Sonic(M) began awkwardly, "did we... erm..."
"...I can't remember," Sonic(F) replied, scrunching up her face as she tried to recall the events of the disco.
"I can remember betteing you that I could climb the Disco wall using only my lips," Sonic(M) tiredly yawned, "And then... Oh I juggled the snails, didn't I?"
"Blindfold," Sonic(F) nodded. That had been funny.
"And then..." Sonic(M) went on, still rubbing his head as he tried to remember. He quickly paled as his eyes opened in shock. "Oh heck, we did, didn't we?"
It was the wrong time for the two Shadows to glide into the room in their superior nature to come and stand by the door, sending their Sonics looks of complete loathing.
"You pieces of filth!" Shadow(M) gasped, "How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge?"
"In my bunk!" Shadow(F) took over the scold, "On my sheets, using my springs! How could you even contemplate doing that... to yourself..." She broke off and coughed awkwardly, giving her counterpart a sideways glance.
He wasn't looking entirely impressed. "Well, why break the habit of a lifetime?"
"Leave it out!" Sonic(F) grumped at them, arching her back and shuffling to get into a better position. "I was gonzoed, man. I was out of my skull."
"What's that suppposed to mean?" SonicM) asked with a frown. Was she trying to say he wasn't attractive? That he was a bad lover?
"I wouldn't have done it if I'd known what I was doing," she answered simply.
"Thanks a lot," Sonic(M) scoffed, his self-esteem utterly dashed to bits.
Shadow(F) was examining herself in the mirror with a smug expression. "I hope you get pregnant."
"No offense man, but you're not exactly Mr Difficult to Pull, are you?" Sonic(F) smiled guiltily over the bed covers. "Talk about push-over."
"Oh that's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo Knickers!" Sonic(M) bit back . But his complaint was cut short by his bunkmate's counterpart looming over him.
"I hope you get pregnant you cheap little tart," she repeated firmly, glaring at him and really wanting to hoist both blue hedgehogs out of her bed.
"You what?" Sonic(M) laughed.
Shadow(M) stopped short and widened his eyes. "Him?" He pointed at the male Sonic. "How can HE get pregnant?"
"Well, if they didn't use precautions..." Shadow(F) explained, "He could be up the spout."
Sonic(M) had realised that people weren't joking.
"But it's women who get pregnant!" Sonic(M) told them, fairly sure that this was basic knowledge that even children understood.
"Since when?" his female counterpart chuckled.
"Since always," Sonic(M) answered, starting to feel more and more nervous, "My mother was a woman."
Shadow(M) was now starting to looked maliciously pleased and he caressed his chin like a sadistic super villain.
"Ooooooh, Sonic," he grinned like the devil himself, "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... If I'm understanding correctly, it appears that, in THEIR universe, it's the men who give birth to the babies. And as we are in their universe, you could very well, possibly, be up the duff, laddy!"
"Come on, I'm not buying this!" Sonic(M) growled as he sat up and pushed the covers away, "This is a wind up!"
"Don't get emotional! Not in your condition!" Shadow(M) quickly gasped, holding out his paws protectively.
"But it's impossible!" Sonic(M) tried justifying, cuddling the blankets as he sat on the bed, "I haven't got the..." he gestured to his counterpart's tummy, "...the equipment, have I?"
"'Course you have!" Shadow(F) countered smugly, "You're in our universe. Our physical law applies."
"Shut up!" Sonic(M) huffed and shook his head, "Knuckles, tell me this isn't true."
Knuckles appeared on the screen, covered in lipstick kisses.
"I'm afraid it is... Mum."
Realisation sinking in, Sonic(M) turned accusingly to his counterpart.
"How could you do this to me?" he asked her, feeling betrayed.
"Do what?"
"Take advantage of me! Knowing that I was drunk and I didn't have precautions."
"Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of thigs," Sonic(F) said, "It's the man's responsibility. It's the man who gets pregnant. It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth."
"Agony!" Shadow(M) cheered, "This gets better and better!" He could have danced around the room in delight, absolutely beside him. Before he had hated this universe - now he was starting to enjoy it.
"What do you want me to do" Sonic(F) asked, "I'm sorry, okay?"
"Sorry?" Sonic(M) hissed, "That's it? Sorry? Wham bam, thank you mister?"
"Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it," Nuckles announced, appearing next to Knuckles, "It it's happened, it's happened."
"Yeah," Knuckles agreed, "We better get back. I fixed the Hop Drive."
"No, we can't go now, Knux!" Sonic(M) cried and pointed to Sonic(F). "She could be the father of my child!"
"If we don't go now, we won't be able to get back at all," Knuckles told him.
"Listen," Sonic(F) tried saying soothingly, "Just because it's possible for you to get pregnant, it doesn't mean you nessessarily are. You might get lucky!" She then clapped him over the shoulder in a friendly manner as he sighed.
That was when their Skutter came scooting back in, followed by three smaller Skutters of different colours.
"But then again," Shadow(M) sniggered, "you might not. We'll find out when we get back, won't we Sonic?"
The first stop upon returning to their own universe was a trip to the medical unit.
Shadow and Silver were over by the counter as Sonic paced up and down the room, all waiting for the test results to come through.
"I don't know why I'm going through with this, this is just not possible," the blue hedgehog was fretting.
"Why is it not possible?" Shadow asked, the most pleased he'd been all week. "Male baboons have given birth. They were doing that as far back as the 20th Century. Cesarian, naturally." He pretended to slice open his stomach with the not-so appropriate sound effects. "Still, you'll be in good hands. The Skutters can handle a simple cesarian."
"Skutters?" Sonic repeated faintly, "I wouldn't let them open a can of beans."
"You're thinking too negative," Silver chipped in, more than happy to be away from the fox just like Shadow was happy to be away from his own counterpart. Both were finding sick entertainment from this situation right now. "Think of all the glorious and beautiful, wonderous thing about having children."
"Like?"
"...Llike when they grow up and leave home!"
"What colour is it supposed to turn?" Shadow asked, staring down at the strip of white paper in front of him.
"Blue for 'Not Pregnant' - which is the colour it's going to turn," Sonic answered automatically, rubbing his blue fur for comfort... and luck.
"And red for 'Pregnant'?" Shadow smiled.
"Yeah."
Shadow lifted a hand and petted his red flecks. "Come on you reds!" he sang.
"What colour is it now?" asked Sonic with a growl.
Silver looked over Shadow's shoulder. "Uh... it's still white," he replied, patting his own white fur.
"Oi, I've just had a thought," Knuckles then made a point, "Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw those echoes from the future? And we saw your future self with twin boys..."
"Right!" Shadow leapt in, snapping his fingers, eyes shining, "And I said 'how is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?' and you said 'I don't know... but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out'! How RIGHT you were, Sonic."
Sonic, on the other hand, had blanched with fear.
"Twins!?" he shrieked, "No! No way, Shadow, not twins!"
"Oh yes!" Shadow nodded with a grin, "Big, bonny, strapping, bouncing boys they were. Brilliant blue."
Silver was smiling merrily, the only one who was neither for nor against what was happening.
Sonic was starting to feel a little sick but he convinced himself that it was from nerves and had nothing to do with a possible pregnancy.
"It's changing colour!" Shadow cried and Silver immediately jumped towards him, both hedgehogs stooped over the test paper with eager eyes, blocking Sonic's view.
"What colour?" Sonic demanded.
"Yes it is, it's changing colour!" Shadow repeated, excitement building.
"Yeah, but what colour?"
"It's changing colour!"
"What colour?"
"It's blue for 'Not Pregnant, right?"
"YES!"
"Oh GOOD NEWS! Excellent news, Sonic!" Shadow squealed.
Relief swept over Sonic's entire body.
"Oh thank Chaos," he breathed.
His heart caught in his throat when SIlver and Shadow looked up at him with overjoyed faces.
"We're going to be uncles!"
Next Time...
The crew discover a crashed ship and the only survivor on board is a robotic hedgehog named Metal who has an over-active guilt chip and is programmed to serve, which Shadow tries to take advantage of.