Episode 9 - "sdrawkcaB" (Backwards)

Metal didn't get very far in his break from oppressive slavery. In amidst his 'rebellion', he had tried jumping ship by hijacking one of the Starbugs, eventually leading to an unfortunate crash that took several weeks of re-assembly and reprogramming to fix.

And even then it didn't completely restore his full personality but he was welcomed back as an official part of the Red Dwarf crew.

In the months that followed, the four hedgehogs learnt to co-exist with one another. Shadow was less dominating, Silver accepted that Metal was a new addition to the 'family' and Metal, himself, learnt how to relax and take time for himself, though he still insisted on cooking and cleaning everyone's clothes - for his benefit. He also went back to calling people 'Sir' but wasn't shy of being a great deal more informal about doing so.

As for Sonic...

It was well that Metal was around to act as mid-wife.

The many months of space travel meant that Red Dwarf saw the successful delivery of twin hoglets, Olgilvie and Maurice, both brilliantly blue and extremely, over-bearingly cute. However, because they were conceived in another universe with different physcial laws, they suffered from highly accelerated growth rates and were both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Sonic returned them to the parallel universe of their conception where they were reunited with their father (a woman) and were able to lead comperatively normal lives.

Well, as normal as you can be if you've been concieved in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years old three days after your birth.

And so the saga continued...

Sonic and Silver were sat together in the sleeping quarters, watching television together and discussing the attraction of The Flinstones's leading woman while Shadow took it upon himself to teach Metal how to correctly operate a Starbug so as to avoid any accidents in the future.

The memory of having once been rude to Shadow had brought a great deal of anxiety upon the mechanoid which was only exemplefied when Shadow went into 'Official Mode', making the mech nervous and causing him to produce all manners of new guilty expressions. Things were going well until it was time to actually start up the space vehicle whereupon Metal was only successful in activating the windscreen wipers and, a little time after that, the passenger ejection seat - where Shadow had been sat.

"I've failed, haven't I?" poor Metal squeaked as Shadow, quite calmly, reentered the cockpit and settled himself down comfortably in the replacement passenger seat.

"Just proceed," Shadow muttered, smoothing out his holographic notes.

"You're going to hold it against me, aren't you?" Metal continued to whimper, "That one mistake." Despite this, Metal finally got the green vehicle out into space, taking most of the hanger door with him in the process. "The thing is," Metal tried in defence, "I learnt to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1."

Shadow wrinkled his brow. "They're exactly the same."

"Yes - that's the problem."

The space flying lesson continued on into the universe, with Knuckles keeping tabs on where Red Dwarf was in the meantime and Shadow not doing anything to ease Metal's anxiety.

"Proceed directly to the nearest planet," the hologram directed, "Once there I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering, of course, at all times, to pay due care and attention to any other space users." Having set a course for said 'nearest planet', Shadow was quick to dish out the following instructions. "Next I'd like you to transfer to autopilot while we conduct the recognition..." He was cut off by Metal yanking on the gearbox and causing a grating sound to shudder throughout the small craft. "...tests."

"Engage autopilot," Metal spoke, clearing his throat.

"Autopilot engaged," Knuckles replied emotionlessly before rolling his eyes, "Well," he murmured, "I say autopilot. It's not really autopilot is it? It's me. It's muggins here who has to do it."

Ignoring the computer, Shadow and Metal got on with identifying the space signs in the Learner's Manual such as keeping in the designated space lane.

"Stopping distances," Shadow then announced formally, "You're travelling half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance?"

"Uh...4 years, 3 months."

"And the thinking time?"

"A fortnight."

Shadow then ran Metal through the different kinds of Space Phenominas that could occur while travelling such as pulsars and binary stars. However when he pointed at one and asked for its identification, Knuckles chipped in.

"A Time Hole!" he cried.

"Don't help him," Shadow snapped crossly.

But Metal seemed to agree with the computer. "It's a Time Hole!" he gasped, staring out the window of the cockpit.

"No it isn't, it's nothing like a Time Hole," Shadow said shaking his head, gazing at the page.

"It's a Time Hole," Knuckles contradicted.

"It is!" Metal shouted, his optics widening at the orangey light display occuring in front of them, "It's a Time Hole!"

"A Time Hole is a phenomian rarely seen in space which, legend would have us believe, transports us into another part of space and time," Shadow addressed both robot and computer, "Whereas that," he pointed at the book, "is obviously a Blue Giant about to go supernova." He looked up to window and pointed at the oncoming disaster. "THAT is a Time Hole. Right, what's this?"

Frozen from where he was pointing at the next image, Shadow had just a second to process what he had just seen out the window before he, Metal, Knuckles and all of Starbug went cruising through it.

Amidst bumps and rattles and a great big crash into a lake, Shadow and Metal had barely any time to try and formulate some kind of distress signal. Outside the window was nothing but water and, quite strangely, large fish swimming backwards.

"I suppose you're going to fail me for this," Metal gulped.

Climbing out onto the bank of the body of water they'd crashed landed into, Shadow was amazed to look around at what looked like an exact replica of Mobius. The twisty trees with leaves that couldn't keep still, the vibrant colour of the grass and other plantlife, the checkered earth, the dancing flowers...

"What is this place?" Metal asked, taking it all in with wide optics. It reminded him of pictures from his old books but, since his accident, he was having trouble remembering the small details of his life on Nova-5.

"Knuckles?" Shadow asked out loud, "Is it possible? Could this be Mobius?"

Knuckles appeared on on Metal's chest screen.

"Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly 1G..."

"What's the time period?"

"Well," Knuckles answered, "it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about... lunchtime - maybe half-one?"

"What period in HISTORY, dingleberry breath?" Shadow snapped crossly, "I mean, can we expect to see Blackbot the Pirate sweeping over the waves? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Walter Naugus? What is the year?"

"I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer."

"Like?"

"Well, this year's calender would be handy."

Shadow lead the way through the field they were in with Metal scampering hurriedly behind him, stopping every few feet to admire a flower or a Flicky or an especially tall tree.

"I've never been to Mobius before," Metal said, gazing up at one said tree, "I've only seen it on photographs. It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter..."

Shadow looked at the confused and mentally challenged robot with, not so much sympathy for him, but rather sympathy for himself - because he was stuck with the robot until Sonic and Silver could hoist their lazy backsides off the bed and come find them.

Eventually, they came to a country road and the two of them paused beside a stone mile-marker. In the road was a cardboard box lying on its side but there was no clue that could suggest where it had come from. It looked like it had fallen from somewhere.

"871 selim? Yitc Lartnec?" Shadow read on the mile-marker sign. "Selim? Lartnec? What's Lartnec?"

"It's 'Central'," Metal realised, "Central City, 178 miles. It's backwards."

"Shh, a truck!" Shadow suddenly said, his ears pricking as he heard a vehicle coming towards them. He leant out into the road and lifted his hand, waiting to flag the driver down so they could get a lift.

"It's probably going to hit that box," Metal worried, hoping there was nothing in the box that might be severely damaged.

From the opposite way to where Shadow was facing, a truck came round the corner... backwards, as though the driver were reversing at high speed. The box in the road, spun and lifted into the air, settling itself comfortably on the back of the truck by the edge right as the truck stopped in front of them.

Shadow and Metal stared. They couldn't comprehend what had just happened.

The driver was leaning out the window and smiling at them.

"There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this," Shadow reasoned.

"?tfil a tnaw uoy fi nwot otni gniog m'I" the driver told them in a friendly manner.

"...Then again, possibly not."

In Central City, everything was just as bonkers as Shadow feared. Cars and lorries and taxis were all driving backwards along the road. Traffic lights changed from green to amber and red to just red. Worst of all were the people, the commuters, the locals, the common pedestrians, the tourists - ALL walking backwards and going about their daily lives in reverse.

"Knuckles, what the smeg is going on?" Shadow asked, trying to move out of the way of a woman walking her poodle.

"We're going backwards," Metal voiced the obvious, watching as the woman and poodle trotted off in reverse down the street.

"It's perfectly consistent with current theory," Knuckles said, "If you go by the idea that everything starts with a Big Bang, then the universe starts expanding, right? Following that idea, eventually, when it's expanded as far as it can, there's a Big Crunch, right? And everything starts contracting. Perfectly possible that time starts running in the opposite direction, as well."

Money leapt from the open violin case of a street performer and into the palm of a Mobian stag. A man sucked the smoke from the air and breathed it back into his cigarette. A newspaper hopped out of the bin and into the hands of a badger.

"So this is Mobius?" Shadow asked, wanting some kind of simple clarification on something.

"Oh it's Mobius all right - only it's Mobius where time's going backwards."

With the orders to find some way of drawing less attention to himself (robots tended to stand out) Metal went to look for a disguise and Shadow said he would meet him in a cafe.

Shadow was sat alone, trying to make sense of the menu and also trying to hide his 'H' by fluffing his head fur and quills over them. He glanced over to the table next to him where there was a Mouse lady sitting with remnants of crumbs and tea around her mouth.

A waitress came walking past, backwards, and put down a dirty plate and cup. They spoke a few words at each other (none of which could be understood) before the waitress was gone again and Shadow had to watch, with nausea, the mouse enjoy her food in reverse. She spat out the cake, which removed the crumbs from her face, and then retched up the tea, which left her face dry. She then stirred her now full cup of tea and scooped two teaspoons of sugar from it to put back in the sugar pot.

The mouse saw Shadow watching her.

"!suoiciled erew esehT" she told him.

Shadow hadn't a clue what she was saying but he nodded anyway.

"Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb," he replied to her and hurriedly turned away before she tried spewing any more food or, if not that, any more gibberish!

Metal came shuffling round the corner carrying a newspaper. He was wearing a long black robe with a hood and had a mask of the cereal mascot, Tony the Tiger, on his face.

"What are you doing!?" Shadow hissed, hoping no-one was watching them.

"Well, you said 'look inconspicuous," Metal's muffled voice through the mask replied.

"Don't be idiotic!"

"But if people see my face," Metal pointed out, removing the mask, "what are they going to think?" Metal's face and head weren't just robotic, they weren't shaped like an organic's head either. He couldnt't pull off the 'realistic' look at all.

"Tell them you had an accident," Shadow suggested, "Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out."

Metal tried hiding behind his hood when the waitress came walking backwards to their table, putting down dirty plates and cups.

".yako saw ti epoH" she said and off she went again.

Shadow knew there was no way he was going to be upchucking any food while he was here. He doubted he could, anyway, seeing as he was still a hologram. While off a spacecraft, he had to rely on his light bee's battery supply to keep him going but he was confident he had enough juice to last him a long time.

"What's the year?" he asked as Metal picked up his newspaper. He read the gibberish on the front. "3991?"

"No, it's 1993. It's backwards," Metal replied, switching into 'reverse mode' so he could understand and read the words in the newspaper. "'Three brought to life in bank raid," he read, "A masked man with a sawed-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South Central bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept 10,000 mobiums, which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a fifteen year prison sentence for the crime two years ago."

"What does that say?" Shadow pointed at an image on the page.

"Oh, it's an advert," said Metal, "'Roll-off deodrant. Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours'. What are we going to do? This place is totally crazy!"

"There's nothing we CAN do until the others find us," Shadow sighed, suspecting that they were going to take their sweet time about it. "We'd better get a job... But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?"

"Here's the jobs page," Metal announced, examining the paper. "This looks interesting: 'Wanted: Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects - right candidate could go straight to the bottom!'"

Shadow shook his head. "Something a bit more low-key."

"Uh... 'Busy Central City Restaurant requires dish dirtier?'"

"...Anything else?"

Metal's optics gleamed. "Ah, this looks interesting: 'Theatrical agent requires novelty acts'."

Shadow raised his eyebrow. "What do we do that's a novelty?"

"In this world," Metal replied excitedly, "everything!"

They hadn't heard from either of them and they'd had no contact from Knuckles. In the cockpit of Starbug 2, Sonic and Silver were searching the endless void of space for any signs of their missing crewmates. Sonic was in his usual leathers and Silver was in a black and gold sparkly two piece suit.

"Three weeks we been doin' this," Silver complained, leaning back in his chair with a sigh.

"Well, we'll do it 'til we find them," Sonic told him. He relied on having a full crew to keep him sane. Shadow was good for a wind up and he'd really bonded with Metal. Plus, he wasn't prepared to live on Red Dwarf with NO Knuckles and only his pet hedgehog for company.

"We ain't gonna find them," Silver said gently, his face somber, "They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... " He began to smile and, in an elated voice, cheered, "They're GONE, buddy!"

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Don't you care about anyone but yourself?"

"Heck no. I don't even care about you," Silver replied bluntly, "The way I see it, if Goalpost-head and Freak-face want to get themselves lost, that's their bag! I don't see why it should cut into my preening time. You realise with all this rescue stuff, I haven't conditioned my tail in a week? I'm a wreck!"

Sonic almost let a laugh escape him. "You condition your tail?"

"Only as an aid to the natural 'wag'."

Then Sonic's ears pricked forward and he turned to look out the cockpit window and caught sight of something in the distance.

"Fasten your belt," he said, clicking a button.

"Hey, I do NOT need fashion tips from YOU."

"SAFETY belt!" Sonic snapped at him and pointed out the window, "Look!"

Silver looked and his eyes widened. His quills began to rise.

"Is that what I think it is?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"What d'you think it is?"

"...An orange whirly thing in space!"

"It's a Time Hole," Sonic grunted, thankful that all that time searching around the flightpath of Starbug 1 was paying off, "That's where they are. We're going in."

"Are you crazy?" Silver shrieked, pushing himself away from the window, "You can't go in there!"

"Why not?"

"Orange? With this suit?"

Through the Time Hole went Starbug 2, passing through the clouds until the countryside appeared beneath them.

"Where are we?" Silver asked, frowning at the landscape. He hadn't seen anything like it except for that one time in the 'Better Than Life' game.

"I don't believe this," Sonic breathed, checking the computers, "According to the navi-comp... this is Mobius."

Engaging the cloaking device, Sonic took Starbug 2 down and landed it on an open patch of field near a large lake. Sonic opened the door and, from the outside, looked like he was flying several meters above the ground.

"What'd you do that for?" Silver asked as Sonic began to walking down the invisible steps from the Starbug to the ground.

"Well, we don't want to spook the natives," Sonic reasoned and heard Silver banging on the invisble metal craft to confirm it was still there. As he got to the bottom and stepped on the grass, some of which had been scorched a little by Starbug 2's thrusters, he winced as he felt an agonising pain all over.

"What's the matter?" Silver asked, joining him at the bottom.

"I dunno," Sonic groaned, "I think my ribs are cracked. And my back! Is my eye bruised?"

Silver peered at Sonic's eye and looked confused. "Yeah, it is!"

Perhaps he'd just slept awkwardly the night before so Sonic tried ignoring it, even though it was excruciating, and pulled out a small pocket computer from his jacket, wondering why his clothes were suddenly feeling wet.

"What's that?" Silver asked and almost leant on Sonic before remembering that he was in pain and stopped himself.

"It's a homing device," Sonic explained, "It'll find their flight recorder."

The device let out a beep and Sonic pointed in the direction it indicated. As Silver went off to find the other Starbug, it dawned on Sonic where he was.

"...I'm home."

There was no way that Silver was going to get himself or his beloved clothes wet so Sonic, even with cracked ribs, a cracked back, a black eye and an unhealthy inability to swim, was made to wade under the surface of the lake to find Starbug 1.

"You find anything?" Silver called as Sonic's head came bobbing up out of the water, gasping for air, after a minute under.

"Well, the 'Bug's there, but they're not!" Sonic called back and came wading back out of the lake, wincing with every step he took and trying not to bite himself because of the pain.

Silver stared at him in amazement when Sonic eventually got out to stand beside him.

"...You're dry!" he cried, impressed.

Sonic patted himself down and found that Silver was telling the truth - he was completely dry. His clothes, his fur and even his spines which were so easily water-logged, were bone dry, like he had never even stepped into the water. When they'd first touched down, Sonic's clothes had randomly been wet...

"That's weird," Sonic murmured, befuddled.

"Let's take a look around," Silver then said, "Maybe they left us a clue or something."

It was the only thing they could do so off they went, trying to guess which direction a hologram and a robot might have wandered off in. The only thing they did find were brightly coloured posters pinned up on trees featuring Shadow and Metal dressed in bright show-biz suits, bow-ties, and bowler hats. Written accross the top was some strange language which read: '!srehtorB esreveR lanoitasneS ehT'.

They found themselves next to the exact same road that, unbeknown to them, Shadow and Metal had been before. Only this time there was no box in the road.

"What's this?" Silver asked, tilting his head to the side as he tried to read the mile-marker.

"Lartnec?" Sonic read with a frown and then smiled. "Hang on, wait a minute! Lartnec! Lart. Nec. It's in Babylon, isn't it?"

"Are you sure?"

"Geography was my number 1 subject at school. Lartnec, Babylonia - rich in animal produce and mineral wealth, just south of Shamar."

"What's the 'Selim'?"

"Well that's obviously Babylonian for kilometers, isn't it?"

Silver looked at Sonic differently from then on. He began to smile and he put a paw on Sonic's shoulder.

"You're so smart," he said sincerely, "I'm glad I came with you!"

"Well, we are the smart party!" Sonic grinned back, pleased he'd earned a small portion of respect from Silver.

They went off down the road singing about their intelligence (poor Sonic was wincing from the pain) and then decided they needed to find transport. In the end they nicked a tandem bike from a picnicing couple who were napping in a nearby park. Just as they got it to the road, however, one of the bike's owners woke up and started yelling furiously at them.

"!mednat ruo s'taht ,skrej gnibbor uoy ,iO !yeH !iO" he shouted, waving his fist.

"Bye suckers! You lost your bike!" Silver called back to them as he hopped behind Sonic on the two seater.

"Start pedalling, man, start pedalling!" Sonic told him.

But as soon as they started pedalling, they found themselves riding the two seater bike - backwards!

"What's happening here? Get this thing in forward gear!" Silver shouted.

"It IS in forward gear!" Sonic shouted back.

They cycled by the couple they stole the bike from and continued on down the road, looking over their shoulders to see where they were going and getting more and more panicked. After turning another corner, Silver had had enough.

"Stop! Stop!" he cried and the both applied the brakes. "No more! I'm not moving another yard on this thing! I'm getting a part in the back of my head!"

The ride had put Sonic into a world of pain so he was only too glad to stop as well.

"It's these cheap Babylonian bikes," he said, "You probably have to queue up for a year to get this piece of junk! You probably have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards!"

Nearby was a white van and the driver of the van soon appeared, walking backwards towards the driver's side. Sonic was quick to catch him.

"Yo, matey! Excuse me!" he called, reaching over before the driver could get into the van.

"?nodraP" the driver said, glancing between the two hedgehogs.

Sonic looked apologetic and wagged his ears in a friendly manner. "No, I don't speak any Babylonian. You speak Mobian?"

"?snainolybaB uoy erA .naiboM m'I ,yrroS"

"We're looking for our friends... erm... friends-ski?"

"Our buds-ski?" Silver tried, showing the driver the poster with Shadow and Metal on, "Pals-ski?"

"This address-ski here-ski?" Sonic took over, pointing at what he presumed was an address where they could find the others, "Can you, erm... drop us off-ski?"

The van driver looked at the poster and nodded. ".ni poH .buP siht wonk I ,seY"

Sonic and Silver highfived each other as the van driver opened the back of the van for them by holding out his hand and letting the door swing into his palm.

"Thanks-ski ver-ski much-ski bud-ski!" Silver thanked him, climbing in beside Sonic, certain that they were heading in the right direction now... as the van went driving off backwards.

Outside the pub were more posters of Shadow and Metal. Somewhere in the evening air, a dog barked backwards.

Sonic and Silver went walking down the dingy staircase to the entrance of a pub where there were more posters littering the walls.

"This is the place," Sonic reasoned and groaned in pain. "My back," he whimpered, "it's like it's been cut to ribbons!"

"Moan, moan, moan, moan," Silver snorted, following Sonic in.

They arrived just in time to see a man in a shiny lime green suit on a small stage at the front, talking excitedly into a microphone in front of a cheering audience sat at various tables around the room.

"!srehtorB esreveR lanoitasneS eht ot eybdoog mraw ,gib a evig dna trapa sdnah ruoy ekaT" he said and the audience gave a lot of backwards clapping.

Sonic and Silver came and stood at the bar in the back, the former holding himself quite protectively around his chest, while their missing crewmates came dancing onstage, doffing their hats to the audience, not noticing Sonic and Silver by the bar.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" Shadow greeted, "!olleh ,olleh ,olleH Welcome to the show!"

For some reason, that sent the audience into bouts of uproarous laughter.

"'Welcome to the show'? That's the joke?" Sonic scoffed.

"For our first trick tonight, ladies and gentlemen," Shadow went on, "my partner Metal will attempt to eat a boiled egg..." He paused for effect. "...forwards!"

The crows gasps in amazement and wonder as Metal presents a boiled egg, cracks it open and swallowed it. (Normally, Metal didn't look to have a mouth but in actual fact it was discretely located beneath his nose.)

The crowd went wild when Metal achieved this and Sonic and Silver were left wondering what on Mobius they were supposed to be cheering about.

"This is entertainment to these people?" Silver asked quietly, "It's pathetic!"

"They're Babylonian," Sonic shrugged, "They have very simple tastes."

Metal threw the empty egg shell into the crowd where it was caught by an amazed armadillo who showed it eagerly to his friend, an uncertain looking parrot.

"I have it," Silver decided, "It's a moron convention. Check the coatroom - if there are twenty jackets, all white, with arms tied behind the neck, you know I'm right."

"And what better way to round off a meal, ladies and gentlemen," Shadow called out, "then by drinking a glass of water? Metal!"

"Woah, stick around! They're building up to a big climax," Sonic said sarcastically, watching Metal drink the water and send the audience into another round of furious clapping.

"We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers," Shadow said, rounding up the act, "ladies and gentlemen, we shall see you last night!"

They both shuffle danced off the stage again and that was the end of that.

"Let's get a drink and go backstage," Sonic told Silver, sucking in his breath as he twisted and felt another hot stab of pain wash through him. "Hello?" he called to the barmaid, "Excuse me? Can I have two pints of bitter, please?"

The barmaid didn't understand, trying to look between them and work out what they were asking for.

"Bitter? Two pints?" Sonic repeated, holding up his fingers. The barmaid continued to look confused.

"She can't understand you, bud," Silver grumbled, "you're wasting your time."

Sonic looked further down the bar and saw a cat sitting on the far stool, reading something on his phone with his drink in his paw.

"Yo, matey, what's that you're drinking there?" he called, getting the cat's attention. He mimed drinking with his hand. "Yo, drink-ski? Beer-ski?"

The cat held up his pint glass. ".rettiB"

"Ah, erskib," Sonic nodded, repeating what it sounded like he had said. "Two pints of erskib, please," he told the barmaid.

"?rettiB" the barmaid asked, repeating what it sounded like he had been trying to say.

"Two," nodded Sonic, holding up two fingers again.

The barmaid turned away to prepare their order and Sonic and Silver congratulated themselves on being the 'smart party' again by doing some kind of on-the-spot secret handshake. That was, until, the barmaid set down two empty pint glasses, with remnants of bitter at the bottom, in front of them and then pressed some money into Sonic's hand.

The two hedgehogs stared at the glasses, bewildered as to what they were supposed to do with them. The cat, meanwhile, had lifted his half-drunk pint to his lips and proceeded to regurgitate the rest of the drink into the glass, filling it completely.

".niaga emaS" he told the barmaid who took the full pint mug, held it to one of the beer pumps and waited until the liquid had gone sucking up the nozzle and out of the glass. The now empty glass was put down in front of the cat and money was handed to him as well.

Realization dawned on Sonic.

"This isn't Babylon," he told Silver, "Look at that menu. UNEM. It's Mobian, but backwards! Everything's backwards!"

"Everything's backwards?" Silver repeated, peering suspiciously into his empty glass.

"Yeah!"

Silver thouht about it for a few more moments and then decided it made sense. "Right!"

"Well, you know they say?" Sonic shrugged, picking up his empty glass, "When in Rome, do as the 'snamoR' do! Up the hatch!"

"Booties down!" Silver agreed, holding up his own glass.

Moments later, both glasses were filled and Sonic and Silver were left wondering if the sensation of having cold drink return from the stomach to the mouth and into the glass was a pleasent one and why, if it wasn't a pleasent sensation, did it still leave them feeling satisfied?

Backstage, all four hedgehogs were reunited in Shadow and Metal's dressing room. Shadow was now in a pretentious looking smoking jacket while Metal was wrapped in a soft white terry-cloth bathrobe.

The conversation wasn't what Sonic and Silver had been expecting. It turned out, Shadow and Metal were happy staying in the Backwards Universe and didn't want to leave.

"We've only been here three weeks and we're a big hit!" Shadow told them.

"Shadow, everything is backwards!" Sonic felt the need to point out. He wasn't even going to try reasoning on the fact that Shadow would eventually need to power down his light bee and let it recharge. He couldn't perform on stage while he was doing that, now could he?

"We've got used to it," Metal replied.

"It's true," Shadow nodded, "Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense this way round. There's no death here. You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come back to life! As each year passes, you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on until eventually we all become one glorious whole!"

"Shadow, you already ARE one glorious hole!" Sonic growled, "You've totally flipped man."

"We want to stay," Metal told him sadly, hoping that Mr Sonic would stay with him too.

"But we CAN'T stay," Sonic replied, returning the sad eyes back to Metal, "Look, I'm 25 now. In ten years time I'll be 15. I'll have to go through puberty again! Backwards!"

"Imagine that!" Silver grimaced, "The next thing you know you're singing soprano in the school choir!"

"And worse than that," Sonic added, "in 25 years, half of me will be a little sperm swimming around in some random guy!" The other half of him would be in his biological mother who he had also never met. "I mean, pardon me, but that's just NOT how I saw my future!"

"I'm telling you, things are better this way," Shadow pressed, "It's our universe that's the wrong way round."

"Take war," Metal nodded, "War is a wonderful thing here! In 50 years time, the second world war will start - backwards!"

"And that's a good thing?" Silver deadpanned.

"Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across the country of Spagonia, liberate Mazuri and Shamar, disband the Third Reich, and bog off back to Apotos!"

"We're smash hits here!" Shadow said, lifting his face and brushing some dust off his knee. "We'd be crazy to leave."

"Shadow, we don't belong here!" Sonic tried again, "This place is crazy!"

"Crazy?" Shadow shook his head and lifted his hand to tick off points on his fingers. "Death, disease, famine - there's none of that here."

"There's no crime!" Metal agreed heartily, still hoping Mr Sonic would agree to stay with him, "The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 mobiums into my wallet at knifepoint!"

"Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin," Sonic reasoned with them, "It's not all good. Take someone like, say... St. Francis of Assissi. In THIS universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus! What a jerk!"

Shadow and Metal looked at each other. "Eh?"

"He's the big fat goit who sneaks down chimneys every winter and steals all the kids favourite toys!"

Before anyone could argue that, the manager of the pub came storming into the room with a thunderous look on his face, yelling at Shadow and Metal and waving his finger in their faces. It just so happened to be the cat that Sonic and Silver had seen at the bar.

"!uoy htiw lleh oT" he ranted and raved, his face turning red with fury, "!kcab emoc reve t'nod dna ereh fo tuo sniks delkcirp dna dekips ruoy lla teg nac uoy dna htob uoy gnirif m'I ,hctaw ot suoiralih saw thgif taht hguoht nevE .emalb ot esle enoyna ees t'nac yllaretil I ,ediskcab nwo ym pu raf os si daeh ym esuaceb ti rof syug uoy gnimalb m'I dna ssem etulosba na si bup yM !pu netsil woN"

"What fight?" Metal asked, puzzled. "We didn't start any fight!"

The other three listening on, amazed, as the manager went on spewing complete backwards gibberish that only Metal could understand.

"!gems cinoS frawD deR diputs siht gnidaer ereht gnittis sgolc revelc uoy otno m'I dna seY" the man shouted and finger wagged away, "!uoy otno m'I :sniarb norom ruoy hguorht siht teg ,lleW !gniyas m'I elffaw fo tros tahw ees ot tsuj yaw thgir eht dnuor siht lla etirw ro daer ot emit eht gnikat yllautca era ohw ereht tuo elpoep eht htiw deyonna gnitteg osla m'I tub uoy ta yrgna tsuj ton m'I woN ?uoy t'nera ,stoidi dedaeh-ekips fo riap a htob er'uoY"

Walking backwards with a furious step, the manager left the room, shut the door and knocked at it before they heard his angry steps stomping away down the hall.

"We're fired!" Metal told Shadow, "Something about a fight!"

"But you've been with us all night!" Sonic said.

"He says we're not allowed back! We'll never work the pub circuit again!"

"Oh for smeg's sake, be reasonable!" Shadow shouted, getting to his feet to storm after the manager.

The main bar was in shambles. There were broken tables and chairs and shards of broken glass all over the place. It was like a bomb had hit while the hedgehogs had been backstage. It was certainly nothing to do with them.

Sonic and Silver sat at one of the few unbroken tables watching Shadow and Metal try and reason with their manager, wondering if perhaps someone had taken offence at their forwards act and had started a massive protest in the pub.

"Tell him about the contract thing!" Shadow was saying as Metal translated and spoke complete backwards gibberish to the manager. "He can't just sack us like that!"

"What's all that about?" Silver wondered.

"Shadow in a fight?" Sonic snorted, "That's a laugh for a start."

"So what's the plan?"

"I dunno," Sonic groaned, rubbing his back, "See what happens. If they don't change their minds, head back without them, I suppose. Ow, my back."

It wasn't a nice thought, thinking of leaving Shadow and Metal behind. Spending the rest of his life alone with Silver. Would they at least be able to take Knuckles with them? Knuckles was probably still with Metal at this precise time.

Together, Sonic and Silver went un-eating a pie onto a plate with Silver pulling cucumber slices out of his mouth and Sonic spewing whole cherry tomatoes into the air to complete the dish. The pair of them stared at their accomplishment in disgust.

"We gotta get out of here," Silver shuddered, "This universe is just too disgusting."

A grizzly doberman dog had stopped by their table and was glowering at them.

"!skaeuqspip gnideelb uoY" he growled.

"What's the matter with him?" Silver asked nervously, his spines rising defensively.

"!eip gniddos ym deffocs-nu ev'uoY"

Sonic looked from the dog to the appetising food on the table. "...I think he's a bit cheesed off 'cause we've just un-eaten his pie." He gingerly felt his eye as the pain briefly flared for a second.

Shadow and Metal walked up, defeated.

"Unbelievable!" Shadow complained, "We didn't start a fight!" He then froze in horror as he realised that a growling, drooling dog was baring his teeth at Sonic and looked about ready to eat him. Silver was already 50% hedgehog ball.

"Look," Sonic tried saying nicely to the doberman, standing up, "I'm sorry man, we were just-"

He was interrupted as the dog punched him in the face.

"Are you all right?" Silver squeaked in a panic.

"My black eye!" Sonic gasped, tenderly touching it with his fingers, "It's gone! He just sucked it off my face with his fist!"

The dog then punched him in the side with a sickening crack sound.

"And now he's just uncracked my ribs!" Sonic was beginning to smile now.

Shadow was also feeling his spines rise up and he murmured out of the side of his mouth to Metal, "We don't want any trouble."

"No, you don't understand!" Metal realised, watching the blue hedgehog and the dog square up to each other, "All this mess, all this debris! It's from the fight we got fired for! This is from the fight we're about to have!"

"About to have!?" Shadow stiffened, scared out of his wits, "I don't want to be involved in a bar-room brawl!" With a flash, Shadow had teleported away to hide underneath a table, rolling into a ball.

"It's not a bar-room brawl," Sonic laughed, "It's a bar-room tidy!" He picked up an empty glass. "UN-RUMBLE!"

He jerked the glass in the dog's face and all the beer that Sonic would have splashed at him came splooshing back into the mug.

Metal made a hasty retreat back as all hell broke loose.

People came running in, backwards as Sonic was un-thrown across the bar, glasses and bowls replacing themselves in his wake from where they would have been thrown off. Silver decided that, actually, he wasn't going to play the scared hedgehog routine and he un-socked somebody with a chair which reassembled itself into his paws. A man was un-thrown into the racks of spirits and wine behind the bar which repaired themselves and the barmaid reappeared from where she had ducked.

Sonic crawled backwards into a dog pile of bodies where the entire huddle were sucking punches off him from left right and center, their bleeding hands fixing themselves as their fists bounced off Sonic's quills. One by one, they backed off and freed Sonic who went jumping from the doberman in the center of the dogpile, in reverse, back onto a table while he yelled.

Shadow was watching all this from his hiding spot and he poked his head out as Sonic ran past him.

"Where are you going, you coward?" he asked.

Sonic smirked at him. "I've just worked out what happens to my back."

Outside the pub, Sonic rolled and was then un-thrown through a large window by two other guys. The glass that had been shattered flew back into place and, on the other side, Sonic was put back on his feet. One of the attackers, a mongoose, had a missing tooth.

"Excuse me," Sonic told him, "have your tooth back." He then un-punched the mongoose and the tooth reappeared in his mouth.

After that, the bar sorted itself out, tidying itself as the patrons sit back down at their unbroken tables which stood themselves up and drinks were slid from the floor and back on top. The pub was now full of chatting people, everything neat and tidy and not a fight, nor evidence of a fight, to be seen.

Shadow crawled out from underneath the table and dusted himself off as Metal hurriedly checked to see that Mr Sonic was back to normal now. Silver was looking around in amazement, wanting another fight to break out because that first one had been fun!

"Good one, gentlemen," Shadow coughed, "Thanks for your support. Let's go."

They filed out one by one until Silver stopped and went back to the charity collection box, clearing out all the money.

"!uoy knahT" the barmaid said appreciatively.

"Well, what the heck? It's for a good cause!" Silver reasoned, pocketing the change. After all, in this universe, Silver had just made a wonderful contribution that had already benefited somone by that time.

Back at the now very familiar mile-marker, a taxi cab stopped and four hedgehogs piled out. Silver hurried off needing to relieve himself and Sonic leant in at the driver's window.

"How much is that, mate?" he asked, fishing his wallet out.

Instead, the driver handed him a note and Sonic smiled, remembering how things worked. If anything, the world of Backwards (or sdrawkcaB) was a good place to get money.

As Sonic turned to go, however, he was called back by the cross taxi driver who pushed a few more coins into his hands - it had been the driver's tip.

Sonic stared at the money as he walked away. "...Tight git!"

Starbug 2 was still cloaked but they managed to find it just fine. Metal went up the steps and disappeared into thin air as he entered the ship. Shadow and Sonic paused at the door to take another look around at the world that so closely resembled Mobius.

"You know, it could have worked. It really could," Shadow sighed in lament. "Where's Silver?"

"He won't be long," Sonic replied, tucking his wallet away again, glad that he was no longer in any pain. "He's... you know... in the bushes."

So the two of them waited and continued thinking about this strange world where time ran backwards and cars drove backwards and people aged backwards and food was eaten backwards and drinks were drank backwards and everything else happened backwards...

They both realised then, in that instant, the exact same thing and they turned to each other in horror.

"We've got to stop him!" Sonic cried but it was too late because Silver was walking back towards them.

His face was unreadable, his legs were tight, every quill was up and his back had never been straighter.

Slowly, he came up the stairs and paused in between Sonic and Shadow.

"...Don't ask."

Next time:

Forced to abandon ship with the threat of multiple black holes in the area, Shadow and Sonic get marooned on a frozen ice planet. Sonic must survive the freezing temperatures, the grave lack of food and being stuck with Shadow.