Chapter 5 – Old Wounds
Exhausted after a long day of work preparing what would one day become fields and groves, Ciel headed home, enjoyed a long shower with the added benefit of a recently assembled boiler with enough capacity to serve the entirety of the small settlement, then changed into a simple black body glove much like the one Zero normally wore underneath his armor. Mentally taking a note to step up the plans for a permanent facility for the production of synthetic fibers and clothing, she opened the large fridge she had refurbished with old parts months prior and took out a plastic container.
While Alouette, with her usual boundless energy, played outside with some of the other human and Reploid children, Ciel lifted the lid, revealing an assortment of fruits and berries.
"How did this get here?" she silently wondered.
She had been expecting her dinner to be more of the bland rations the Resistance had stockpiled during the conflict, as fresh fruit and vegetables still took some time to obtain and were being distributed first and foremost to families with children. Whoever had left the treat there had apparently also left an unusually shaped leaf inside the box by accident. Examining the leaf, she realized that it belonged to a kind of shrub that, as far as she knew, was not growing in the immediate vicinity.
"I guess someone went for a bit of a hike to get these for me..." she realized. "How thoughtful. But who?"
After Ragnarok, with the world seemingly returned to a state of peace, people at the settlement had been slowly gaining a renewed optimism, to the point where some of them were even getting a little careless. Zero had already scolded some of them for forgetting to lock their homes on a semi-regular basis, so excited they were to get back to their labors. Ciel, however, still found herself unable to fully relax, often finding solace in her continued work.
After enjoying the taste of fruits and berries she had not seen in months, she stepped out of the kitchen and into her room, to which she had moved as many books, clothes and other items of personal significance as possible. Some of them had remained at the previous Resistance base, and she definitely intended to return to retrieve them or ask the forces still stationed there to send them over, but her head was so filled with ideas for new projects that it had slipped her mind.
The metal bed, assembled with Zero and Cerveau's help from a batch of metal provided by the Chief Engineer's new forge, was surprisingly comfortable, using a layer of foam wrapped in synthetic cloth as a thick, welcoming mattress. The sheets and pillow were also made of similar substances, as organic fabric was still difficult to come by in large quantities. Knowing that Alouette was in good company outside, Ciel got in bed and as soon as her head touched the pillow her tired mind shut down.
An indeterminate amount of time later, her mind drifted through a haze. A peaceful meadow lay before her, in what looked like a perfect summer day as she fully plunged into dreams. Everything seemed peaceful, like a memory of what the world had once been – and could be again – and, as the grass and bushes swayed in a mild breeze, a profound sense of tranquility washed over her.
Then, the tranquility was shattered as a horrible thrumming echoed through the air and the sky turned red. As the tranquility was shattered, a familiar face appeared out of nowhere, taking up her entire view, looking down at her with glowing red eyes and an unsettling sneer as it raised its bloodstained hands.
"You..." she hissed in a rare display of anger. "Even in my sleep you won't leave me alone!"
"You made me what I am." the figure retorted with a deranged grin. "You created me. Filled my head with stories and ideals. Abandoned me when I displeased you. Whose fault is it really… Mother?"
"Don't you dare call me that ever again!" she retorted. "Nightmare or not, you have no right!"
"If only the rest of the Class of Fifty could see you now..." the nightmarish vision of her greatest mistake taunted her. "Everyone had such high hopes for you."
"Shut up!" she screamed. "This… this wasn't supposed to end this way! Why didn't you listen?!"
"My purpose was the elimination of Mavericks and other sources of chaos. Just like you wanted."
The dreamscape shifted again, and Ciel found herself standing in a familiar place. She was clearly indoors, in what looked like some sort of school. Others, mostly around her age, were standing around in various states of anxiety and terror as they heard a horrible pounding outside. With a chill, she realized exactly where and when her mind had taken her.
"They are coming..." a woman seemingly in her thirties said, her brow furrowed as she struggled to remain calm. "We need to evacuate the building."
"What's going to happen to us?!" a girl close to Ciel's age asked in fright, her features strikingly familiar.
"Professor?" Ciel heard herself ask with a younger, higher pitched voice.
"Follow me." the woman said, clearly struggling to control her fear for the children's sake.
The noises outside grew louder and more frequent, interrupted by what sounded like gunfire. Some of the children screamed as they exited the room into a wide corridor, but other adults emerged from nearby doorways and started helping the first woman usher them along. Ciel tried to keep pace with them as hard as she could, but the pounding in her chest was becoming too much to bear. Her gaze turned towards the metallic floor as she attempted to steady herself.
"Breathe." she heard a boy's voice say softly, as a hand patted her shoulder. She had not heard that voice in a long time, and it felt strange to be recalling it so vividly, even in a dream.
"Why is this happening?" Ciel heard herself ask, on the verge of tears. "Why are they doing this?"
"Because they can." the boy replied, with an intensity beyond his years as he clenched his fists. "Keep up with the others. Don't get left behind. Whatever happens here today, you have to make it out."
He then sighed and gave her a quick hug, before turning and walking away… in the direction the assailants were coming from.
"Wait!" she called out, raising her head in time to see his back, covered by a child sized white labcoat. "What are you doing?!"
"What I can." he replied without turning back. "They will be upon us soon. They are stronger than us, faster, and you know what they can do."
A sense of dread washed over her as she heard those words, remembering exactly what would follow. She wanted to stop the nightmare, to force herself awake, but her struggle was to no avail.
"You haven't answered my question." she heard herself insist.
"Forty-nine out of fifty." the boy said, clearly trying to contain his own anxiety as he raised a hand to straighten his glasses. "Good enough. Run along with the others. I know exactly what to do about this."
He then looked over his shoulder, glancing at her through bespectacled eyes.
"I may be just a dumb kid, but I know what's at stake here." he said with what sounded like chilling resignation. "So go on. Leave your mark and make everyone proud. Today I do my part."
With that, he broke into a sprint, heading in the direction of the noise as he pulled out what looked like a pair of sealed test tubes out of the pockets of his labcoat. Bogged down as she was by the terror of what was happening, her legs felt as if they were made of lead. One of the adults caught up with her and ushered her to an underground evacuation route with the remaining children, and, moments later she heard two words, roared in defiance.
"For tomorrow!"
And with that, an explosion rocked the building and the hallway collapsed behind them, sealing the path of their assailants.
Still trapped in the nightmare, her surroundings shifted in a blur and another familiar scene from her memory played out.
She found herself in an old underground lab, buried underneath layers of rock and wreckage. The Resistance soldiers that had escorted her there had been wiped out above, trying to buy time for her to do what she had headed there to do. The immediate assailants had been delayed, though the last of her escorts had paid dearly for that and by the sound of footsteps drawing closer she knew that more were on their way.
A familiar form, clad in a green uniform, lay limp on the waterlogged floor of the buried ruin. To that day, she still did not know how Milan had managed to drag himself back alive. He had simply shown up days later, seemingly unharmed but tight lipped about the whole ordeal, and then returned to work with a zeal bordering on the fanatic. The others had not been so lucky, decimated by the Golems or gunned down by the mindless Pantheon enforcers.
In front of her, a diminutive figure clad in red hovered in the air, propelled by equally small luminescent wings, seemingly made of glowing blue wire, its back turned to her.
"Don't worry about me. Remember, everyone is waiting for your safe return!" the voice of yet another lost friend said to her, this time female.
Passy, the brave little Cyber Elf who had helped her awaken Zero from his slumber, was also gone for good, and though it had been a necessary sacrifice, reliving the event was still just as painful as it had been back then. Once again, Ciel struggled to wake up, calling upon all the will her tired mind could muster… and finally broke free.
Ciel woke up in a cold sweat and hastily sat up, tears pooling in her eyes. She nervously looked around and took a deep breath, trying to steady herself.
"Never again..." she said to herself, clenching her fist. "Never again!"
She had uttered those words before, emotionally raw after a harrowing ordeal, before making a fateful decision that had eventually resulted in a terrible mistake, and again after the insane copy had met its end. The first loss had set her on her path, but no matter how hard she tried, others kept risking their lives for her sake, sacrificing themselves for the dream they shared with her. She absolutely hated it, and often ended up blaming herself for her inability to prevent it.
"Maybe we'll finally have a lasting peace this time?" she thought, tired of such forced partings and the terrible feeling of impotence.
Though her rational mind knew that the undertaking she and the others had embarked upon would never have been without danger, as one of the leaders of the Resistance she still couldn't help blaming herself. Elpizo's reckless tactics, throwing away lives in search of an overwhelming victory, the ensuing fiasco and his descent into madness had also taken their toll on her. Most of all though, the fact that her creations, meant to restore peace and order, had been the spark for greater conflict still ate away at her in the late hours of the night. Slowly, hesitantly, she was beginning to move on with her life, but such ill timed nightmares made her struggle more difficult.
"What is it about the night… that brings out these thoughts?" she pondered. "All the regrets, all the painful memories?"
She then shook her head in an attempt to clear her mind.
"Enough!" she said to herself before getting up, putting on a coat and a pair of shoes and stepping outside, hoping the night air would help her feel a little better.
As she made her way through the living room, she heard Alouette's soft snoring through the open door of her room and allowed herself a faint smile. Trying not to make too much noise, she exited the small house and gently closed the front door.
To her surprise, she saw Zero outside, sitting on a wide wooden bench outside his shack, seemingly lost in his own thoughts as he stared into the distance with his arms crossed. Reassured by his presence, she unceremoniously sat next to him.
"Can't sleep?" he asked as he noticed her, before surreptitiously rubbing his right boot against the dirt in an attempt to get a couple of stubborn leaves of an unusual shape unstuck from it without her noticing.
"Unpleasant memories paying a visit." she said with a sigh.
"You too huh?" he asked, letting out a sigh of his own.
"I guess your memories are still returning..." she said.
She had noticed him growing more expressive over time, more alive as he gradually regained what he had lost, but she could tell that there were parts of his past he did not feel comfortable sharing.
"I've been around for a very long time." Zero said. "Enough to get plenty of regrets and go through a lot of things I'd rather forget."
Then his expression softened slightly and he looked at her.
"It's not all bad though. I do get to make myself useful and be a part of something meaningful now and again."
"I still can't quite imagine what it would be like to live that long." Ciel confessed. "I don't know if I'd want that either. But for all it's worth, I'm glad you're with us."
"I'm… glad to be here too." he said, once again striking a chord with her whether he realized it or not. "But what's eating at you?"
"I'm tired of losing friends and companions." she said, still somewhat downcast. "Sick of people sacrificing themselves for my sake. Do you know how many Resistance soldiers got killed just getting me to that lab where you were sealed? How many we lost during this whole conflict?"
"I know a thing or two about losing companions..." Zero said sympathetically. "I lost my fair share back in the day. In a way, not being able to remember all of them feels just as bad. They deserve better."
"Sometimes I can't help wondering..." Ciel said. "Why does this keep happening? Am I too soft? Too weak?"
"I'm going to stop you right there." Zero said, patting her shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with being soft, and you have plenty of strengths of your own. Yes, it hurts, and the closer you are to someone the worse it feels, but it was their choice. They went into it knowing what was at stake, and they wouldn't want you to feel like this."
"What was it like, back in your time?" she asked.
"The memories are still trickling in, but it could get… pretty bad." Zero said. "Some of the scars still linger on the Earth itself. At one point that bastard Sigma even tried to reenact the extinction of the dinosaurs by crashing a huge space colony. X could tell you more details, but that probably wouldn't help with the nightmares."
"But what do you think I should do?" she asked, almost pleadingly. "About the memories?"
"Well, I'd recommend against sleeping it off for a couple of centuries, that's for sure." Zero said, as a slight grin crept over his face. "Though that did have a few unexpected benefits. I got to see something new, meet new people, find a new cause."
"It's just..." he thought "A little difficult to figure out what to do with myself now that the fighting is over."
"Back then, when we first met, you were going purely on instinct, but that didn't last. The way you recovered your fighting skills so quickly was almost frightening." Ciel recalled. "But I never had the chance to ask… What drives you even now?"
"In my early days, I couldn't stand those pesky Mavericks and the way they thought they had the right to step on anyone they wanted." Zero recalled. "Not to mention I wanted to stick by my friends. After that, there's still a bit of a gap around the time of the Elf Wars, but I know Weil was involved in those and you know what I think of megalomaniac assholes like that. More recently… well, there's something about the sight of a cute girl being chased by killer robots that brings out the will to fight, with or without amnesia."
"Did he just..." she thought, surprised. Though Zero had ended up being a frequent source of encouragement in his own blunt and sometimes aloof way, she was definitely not used to hearing him refer to her in such terms.
"Ah crap..." he thought, realizing he had said too much. "Hope she won't read too much into that..."
"Flatterer..." she teased, feeling a bit lightheaded.
Ciel didn't say much else, as her fatigue caught up with her and his presence once again lulled her into a state of tranquility. The next thing Zero knew, she had fallen asleep, with her head falling lazily on his shoulder. Not daring to move, much like someone who had just had a baby animal fall asleep on their lap, Zero watched, perplexed and amused in equal measure.
"I guess this is an interesting career change." he thought, turning his head ever so slightly to glance at her. "From soldier to bodyguard to… pillow?"
Regardless, he could not deny that he found her presence as soothing as she did his. For the rest of the night, at least, he found himself mercifully free from unwanted flashbacks, and eventually dozed off as well.
The next morning, however, as he lazily opened his eyes, finding her still asleep in the same position, Zero found himself studying her face in the light of day. As he did so, once again he recalled the blurry memories of what he assumed to be the moments leading to his sealing, as well as the similarities between Ciel and the woman present there.
While he had often walked in on her, fast asleep at her desk after overworking herself, seeing her so up close and personal and in such a relaxed state was slightly different. Her peaceful expression soothed him in a way that he had never put into words.
As his gaze lingered on her sleeping face, he felt a renewed urge to keep her safe, along with a strange trepidation he could not find the words to describe, a blossoming warmth. As he watched on, unable to pry his gaze away, she muttered something unintelligible in her sleep… and then, without waking up, gave him another surprise hug much like she had upon finding him alive and in one piece after Ragnarok. The difference was this time he was fully awake and, unlike at the crater, all alone with her.
He was definitely caught off guard and his synthetic heart thrummed in response as his mind slipped into a state of tranquil contentment. For a brief moment, his unease subsided and all was well in the world. Something else began to stir as well, however, something deeper and older. Then, before he knew what was going on, he felt a prickling sensation in his chest and was violently shaken out of this state as more memories came rushing in, unbidden… and painful.
"What the…?!" he thought in alarm, struggling to make sense of the scenes flashing before his mind's eye.
Another face from his past emerged in his mind's eye, just as soft and endearing, only with brown locks, a ponytail rivaling his own and green eyes, clad in an odd red and blue armored vest with golden highlights and white gauntlets. The scenes unfolded, skipping ahead in time, barely giving him the chance to breathe. What looked like an average day at the old Maverick Hunter base in days long gone. A new arrival, bright eyed, timid and adorable.
Then he noticed his hands were shaking. The details of the memories were becoming clearer and more vivid. Bringing one of his hands to his face, he realized his eyes were leaking.
"No..." he thought, realizing what was happening. "Of all the..."
Colleagues becoming friends. A growing bond. Feelings he had never known before in his life. His old enemy, manipulating events from out of sight. Clashes of personality, misunderstandings, mistrust, with both of them caught in between the Hunters and another group. The name danced at the edge of his consciousness for a moment before he could finally recall it. Repliforce.
He struggled to remain in control, but soon found himself overwhelmed by the memories of what had to have been, without a doubt, the worst day in his life.
"No..." he hissed audibly, unable to contain the torrent of memories.
Allies turned enemies through the deceit of others. A pointless duel. A sweet girl, driven insane with grief and rage. Another pointless fight, culminating with Zero holding her lifeless body and screaming at the heavens in utter despair.
"Iris..." he whimpered weakly.
Then he cracked. Losing control of himself, Zero started shaking violently and fell to the ground, startling Ciel awake. She jumped to her feet only to find him on his hands and knees, shivering, seemingly struggling to breathe, and with a look of naked grief on his face she had never seen before, with tears streaming down his face.
"Zero?!" she called out in alarm as she knelt next to him and placed a hand on his back. "What's wrong?!"
Alerted by the commotion, Alouette ran outside and gasped at the sight.
"Sis?" she called out.
"Get Cerveau and Rocinolle here now!" Ciel pleaded, not daring to move from that spot.
A sorrow that had been lurking in the innermost depths of his heart for centuries had finally broken loose. An old wound, never fully healed, had just been exposed, just as Zero's heart seemed to be ready to awaken.