Chapter 51 "Picking Up the Pieces"
~ HAGAN ~
Nia and I had more than a few reasons to celebrate last night, but none were more significant than her finally overcoming her demons, at least most of them. Unfortunately, one remained in her mind, one of uncertainty, of mortality, a concept that a Blade wouldn't normally have to consider. Was she truly okay? I had no concrete reason to think that she wasn't.
My sleepy eyes opened slowly, stalling halfway to a warm and fuzzy vision of the other side of my bed where Nia had slept. She wasn't here now, though, just a blackened rock peeking out of the blanket. (Wait, wha…?!)
"Nia?" My hand couldn't have yanked the blanket away fast enough, my eyes now wide open, straining. There was no dormant core crystal to be found, no matter how many times I scraped around for one. "Nia?!"
"I'm out 'ere," her voice echoed from the hall, followed by her footsteps, the pounding of which resounded like the heartbeat thumping in my ears. "What is it?"
"Oh… thank the Architect…" I hunched over and buried my face in my clammy palms.
"Rem?" she appeared by my side before I let light stab my eyes again. "Are you feelin' sick?"
"Almost…" my hand reached for her, clumsily bumping just above her knee. The panic attack seemed to dissipate as quickly as it'd started, like an ambush from within.
"Almost?" Nia steadied my flailing hand, now seated with her hip fighting with my leg for bedspace.
"I'm okay now," I breathed out as I instinctively reached out for her core with my other hand, halting upon remembering about her sensitivity with it. "Y-you are okay, too, right?"
"Yeah…?" she started piece my mental puzzle together. "Did you think I wasn't?"
"I thought you were gone, like… back to your core," my head was heavy and hurting now. "I could've sworn I saw your… ahem, I thought I saw a blackened core next to me when I woke up."
"Aw shite," my partner muttered to herself, turning away.
"It must've been a shadow from the blanket that I… misinterpreted… before my eyes adjusted to the light," I surmised, my wits now regathered. "Sorry for the false alarm."
"No, no… it's…" she started to say. "Sorry, I never should've said that I could end up like that by morning. Me and my big mouth."
"Funny how one wrong blink completely upended my confidence from last night," an incredulous chuckle shook its way out of my throat. "Here I was saying nothing could break you, and now I'm freaking out that I might've…"
"You didn't lose me," Nia intercepted my rambling, turning it into reassurance." I'm right 'ere."
"Good," I plunged myself into her embrace, her warmth ebbing the last wave of doubt out of my mind. Her core was now a quavering breath away from my face, perhaps a distance she was consciously maintaining. "I'm so glad."
"Doin' better now?" her voice sounded silkily smooth in my ear, especially with the thumping subsiding.
"Yes, thanks," my mouth stretched into a smile that she couldn't see. "How're you feeling, though?"
"The same… er, same as last night, I mean," Nia still wasn't ready to put a stamp on her recovery. "Still feels like somethin' is missin'."
"I think it's time we checked ourselves into the clinic," I sat back to face her properly. "We can't be falling apart if we want to enjoy the freedom we fought to get."
"So, you believe me now?" her brows furrowed in doubt. "What happened to your belief that I couldn't possibly fall apart 'cause of my healin'?"
"I still believe your ability is your safeguard, in spite of what just happened, but we're due for a check-up, anyway," my eyes zeroed in on hers just as they began to dart around. "You know we're victims of imprisonment… of torture. Who knows what it's done to us… to our minds…"
"Why would that bother you now, though?" my partner seemed vexed by my mentioning of it.
"No more distractions," the morning light found me through the curtains. "Don't have to worry about the Brionac or the Echells anymore, so my mind went back home, so to speak."
"Of course…" her response made her sound more detached than she'd probably intended.
"Doesn't it bother you, too?" my fists drilled into the mattress between my legs for support. "We were abused."
"One problem at a time, Rem," Nia gazed down upon herself. "The void inside me needs more, immediate attention."
"So, you agree to go?" I sought reconfirmation, half-expecting her to renege.
"I guess so," she huffed, almost begrudgingly. "When are we goin'?"
"Whenever you're ready." The room fell silent as my focus was firmly locked on the bonny Blade sitting before me, distracted only by specks of sunlit-dust floating between us. Before long, I felt her tap my knee through the blanket as she stood and stretched the morning kinks out. (I have a feeling that we've signed ourselves up for another day of enlightenment.)
~ THERAPY CENTER ~
Unsurprisingly, the therapy center for drivers and Blades was inundated with weary clients following a war that required nearly every capable duo on Prudentia to defend the Titan. Whether they sought advice on improving their teamwork or help on dealing with the atrocities witnessed during battle, our fellow drivers and Blades all had a story to tell and an emotional scar to bear. The clinic itself wasn't without its marks, either, having temporarily served as Chief Reynold's mercenary base of operations against the advancing Brionac.
"At least they didn't pollute the pond," Nia led me to her favorite spot of the retreat, tucked away behind the facility and cradled by the base of the mountains.
"We may as well hang around here for now," my feet started to drag like an anchor. "Our names aren't exactly near the top of the waiting list."
"We can't cut in line?" she pouted impatiently. "I thought we got privileges for fixin' up this place long ago."
"Look around, there are so many drivers and Blades in need of counseling," I empathized with them. "Granted, we probably had it the worst… of those who survived, that is."
"I wonder if any of the other Blades 'ere feel used up like I do," Nia wondered as she stepped out of her boots and inched towards the pond.
"They probably do, to some extent. Why else would any of them be here?" A gentle breeze rounding the curve of the foothills teased my hair across the back of my neck as I watched my partner dip her toe in the water. It mustn't have been too cold for her, seeing as she waded further in, the ripples of her movements lapping up to her ankles. I knew full well that she enjoyed doing this, considering she was literally in her element. Across the pond, another duo were seated at the water's edge with their feet submerged, engaged in a conversation of their own. Their privacy would soon be invaded, however, by a nurse from the clinic. Before I could begin to guess what they were saying, a voice much closer to us nobbled my attention.
"Driver Remi and Blade Nia?" It was a vaguely familiar face.
"Dr. Tenner," I greeted the white-coated woman while Nia carefully ambled her way out of the pond, grumbling to herself that she had no towel on hand. "Is it our turn, already?"
"Our staff and trained volunteers are doing their best to get to everybody today," the doctor laid out the situation. "To expedite the process, we're offering our patients sessions out here, spread apart, of course. If you two are comfortable with it, I can tend to your needs immediately. Otherwise, the wait will be longer tha-"
"We're ready," Nia made the call for us, having given up on trying to dry her feet.
"Is this okay with you?" the doctor checked with me anyway.
"Er… yes, I see no need to wait for a private room," my consent was given as we both approached her.
"Very well," Dr. Tenner sat cross-legged in the grass with her coat spread out behind her, prompting Nia and me to do the same. "How can I help you, today?"
"We've had it rough, this past week and a half," I began our tale of woe while the doc laid a clipboard on her knee. "We were part of the front lines, in the plai-"
"I feel incomplete," Nia cut to the quick. "I used up all of my power again, and now I feel like I can't fully regain it."
"Okay, according to your file, you are a healer Blade, correct?" the doc asked to which Nia nodded. "Can you specify when and where you supposedly expended all of your power?"
"Mor Ardain," my anxious Blade answered half of the question.
"Eleven days ago, I think," it fell on me to finish the other half. "We'd just been hit by a mis-"
"I was without my weapon," she heeled my detailing again, "so I'm worried that I drained myself too low."
"According to my notes from your visit two years ago, you'd expended all your power without any ether source, and thus, you were powerless for at least a week," Dr. Tenner referenced our previous brush at death overseas.
"Yes…?" Nia eyed her with perturbation.
"How does your current feeling of incompletion compare with your feeling of depletion from two years ago?" the white-coated woman had her pen at the ready.
"Uh…" my partner turned to me.
"Don't look at me," I raised my shoulder against my cheek exaggeratedly as I returned her stare, "you're the Blade here."
"Last time, I recovered slowly but completely," she eventually addressed the doctor's inquiry. "This time, I recovered quickly but not all the way… even after I recycled my weapon… and it's takin' way longer than before. It's like I permanently used up a portion of my power."
"Can you describe… this feeling of incompletion?" Dr. Tenner sought additional articulation, struggling slightly to understand the healer Blade.
"I… I can't, really," Nia rubbed her core with one hand and squeezed her ankle nervously with the other. "It just feels like… I'm not all here."
"Is it like exhaustion?" the doc tried for comparison. "Maybe hunger?"
"No, it's… ugh… I don't know how else to describe it." My poor Blade was getting frustrated, unable to get her point across to someone who could never experience what she was experiencing. (Maybe we should invest in getting Blades on the staff in the future.)
"Has this feeling changed at all since you first noticed it?" Dr. Tenner moved onto a different question.
"No…?" Nia had to think about it for a second, now with both hands layered over her most vulnerable part. "I was always aware, even when we were doin' other things."
"Symptom persistent through other activities…" the doc jotted it down. "Did you use your power during this time?"
"Yes," she nodded once.
"I see, and did summoning ether bring on any ill feelings when you used your power?" Dr. Tenner appeared to be onto something, at least that's what I hoped.
"I… don't think so," Nia ruminated again, this time bewildered at having not previously realized it. "At least that felt normal."
"Power usage… normal…" the doc added to her notes. "Were you ever separated from Remi when you used your power?"
"Yes, but that was before I reached my limit," my partner eyed me briefly when she answered this one before returning to the doctor. "I was healing… other people, on my own but within the same area. Could that've had anythin' to do with it?"
"No, being separated from your driver would've prevented you from pushing yourself to dangerous levels," Dr. Tenner explained, her clipboard now slack. "I asked because long periods of separation can cause your affinity to decrease which leads to poor ether output during battle, hence a possible feeling of abnormality." (Affinity… haven't heard that term in a long time.)
"We weren't separated long, and never during battle," Nia dispelled that idea into the ground, still avoiding explicit details of our harrowing time in Mor Ardain. "Like I said, using my power still felt normal. I only feel weird when I'm resting."
"Bond sufficiently maintained… ill feeling limited to resting…" came more tabulations from the doc, punctuated by a click of the pen.
"What does all of this mean?" my bemused Blade asked before I could.
"You show no signs of deterioration," the white-coated woman put it to her straight, "given your feedback."
"Okay… but then, why do I still feel… y'know, like something's missing?" her patient wasn't quite convinced, at least not yet.
"Is it in your head?" I started to wonder. "I know my mind can play tricks on me… like this morning."
"I'm not sure I'm ready to believe that it's all in my head," she opened her palms enough for the sunlight to shimmer on her core.
"In my experience, if you've actually been ailing for…" Dr. Tenner paused to peruse her notes, "eleven days, then you would've reverted back to your core crystal by now."
"Oh?" Nia straightened her back, her ears pricked at attention. "Are you… really sure?"
"We have yet to record any of our own Blade patients succumbing due to overexertion," the white-coated woman continued, hoping to assuage her fears even further. "Any fatal case known to us showed that the ailing Blade reverted back to their core crystal within a day of their final battle."
"I see," my alleviated partner alternated watery-eyed glances between the doctor and me.
"So, you're fine," my heavy hand warmed her shoulder.
"Yeah," Nia hid her face from Dr. Tenner as she prevented a tear from staining her rosy cheek, "sorry…"
"Hon', you're fine," I wrapped my arms around her.
"I know, shut up!" she wriggled out instantly.
"I'm glad," the doctor suppressed a chuckle. "Is there anything else I can do for you, today?"
"Yes… well, maybe," now it was my turn. "I need to resume our old sessions."
"Oh, okay," Dr. Tenner flipped a page to what I presumed was my sheet. "Is it the same thing as last time?"
"It's… a long story," I backtracked slightly, far from oblivious to our shared surroundings. "I was hoping to discuss it today, but I'd rather not do so out here."
"Our waiting list for tomorrow hasn't filled up yet," the doctor informed me as she rose and brushed the grass off her uniform. "We can continue this in a private room tomorrow… a half-hour before noon at the earliest, if you wish."
"That'd be great," my plans were inked, "thanks."
"Y-yeah, thanks," Nia forced out a tepid smile.
"You two take care." And with that, Dr. Tenner set off to find the next patient on her list, leaving the two of us to stew in a rather contemplative state.
"How're you feeling, now?" I waited until the doc was out of sight to speak.
"Uh… better?" Her expression hardly displayed the relief that I'd expected to see after the doctor's diagnosis. "Better mentally but not physically."
"You know, I'm inclined to believe that it is in your head, like you've been through so much that you sort of forgot what it feels like to be normal again." It wouldn't have surprised me if this were the case, based on past experience. "For humans, it's similar to coming off of an injury."
"You think so?" Nia uncrossed her legs to wrap her arms around her knees.
"Absolutely," I was determined to keep her on the bright side. "I saw the way you perked up when the doc said you would've been gone by now if you were truly dying."
"Yeah," she sighed whilst biting her lower lip. "Guess we'll just have to live each day as it comes."
"You were really scared, huh?" the back of my wrist gently tapped her elbow.
"Weren't you?" my evasive Blade deflected the question back to me.
"I mean, sure, I worry every single day, and that's not going to change," a fact about me to which I'd long been resigned. "This morning was… a stark reminder, in a way."
"I'm so sorry I even put that… that image in your head, last night," she apologized, in reference to her macabre blackened rock comment.
"What can I say? You're the most important person in my life." No truer words had ever come out of my mouth. "It's like you said before we went to Gormott, I'd be devastated if I had to start over with you."
"Memories are precious to you," her voice was soft, almost too soft to hear against the wind.
"The thought of you forgetting me… and everything we've done together…" Now it was me who was fighting back the tears, though I was doing debatably better at it than she had.
"Maybe we shouldn't go there," Nia intervened, having realized how far we'd strayed into the negative. "We don't both need to be cryin' now."
"Yeah, especially with other people out here," I concurred, pulling myself up. "Come on, we need to walk this off."
"Where to?" she reached for her boots.
"I… kind of want to see how this half of the Titan is faring." The top of an Ardainian cargo ship barely peeked into my view across the plains, where most of the fighting against the Brionac had taken place. "I want to see how well the Special Inquisitor's promise to rebuild is holding up."
"Okay," Nia gently shoved me to begin our trek, "lead the way."
~ PRUDENTIAN PLAINS ~
And so, we commenced a tour of the Titan, starting with the Nopon village of Cedia where Ardainian soldiers hustled to repair homes damaged by the war. Next, we strolled through the historic river city of Dosilla, thankful that the enemy hadn't fortified it beyond shoddy cannonry. Further on, Iradell remained a mess, its entrance still crispy from Brighid's blast. Most of the Ardainians' efforts were on the port, particularly in safely removing the siphons which had been stealthily installed within the watchtowers by their nation's traitors. Nia and I knew all too well how dangerous they could be, having been attacked at sea.
It was hard not to think about our involvement in the war with each location revisited. In one fell swoop, we'd gone from mercenaries defending our turf to prisoners of a corrupt army, chewed and spit out by the foulest of humankind. We'd survived a bazooka in the back, and here we stood today, still coming to grips with that fact alone. We were picking up the pieces every bit as much as Prudentia was, not to mention Gormott, the other besieged Titan. (We've all got wounds to heal, in our own ways.)
~ HAGAN ~
When we returned home at night, there was only one thing that needed doing after a reflective day like this. Out came the old trunk of junk, and in I went arms-deep to rescue a crinkly, old article of gests from the neatly stacked depths.
"Behold, my old school journal," my excavation yielded.
"You kept that, despite your… past?" my Blade was both confused and unimpressed.
"I hardly wrote in it, back then," I plopped it down on the table in a plume of dust. "There should be plenty of space to write in it now."
"About what, though?" she took a seat beside me.
"About you… and me." My fingers were nimble but imprecise, accidentally creasing a few pages on my way to the first blank one available.
"Oh, Rem, you don't need to, especially after last night," Nia appeared to shrink into herself, remembering my attempted monologue from the bedroom.
"You were right, earlier, when you said that memories are precious to me," I smiled at her, feeling my face warm up again. "I think it's time I started writing them down so that we never forget."
"You're not gonna die tomorrow," she patted my free hand. "I'm… probably not gonna die tomorrow."
"Ever since Brighid told us she keeps a diary, I've thought about keeping one, myself." The emptiness of the page stared back at me as images of our recent plights painted themselves on it, daring me to make a tome out of them. "After what we've been through, I really shouldn't put it off any longer."
"How far back will you write?" my partner hovered closer.
"Back to the beginning," I pressed pen to paper, "when we first met."
"What?!" she fell back in her chair. "You'll be 'ere all night!"
"I don't have to do it all at once." The first sentence was done, my handwriting admittedly looking a little rusty. "This isn't just for me, anymore. It's for you, too, in your next life."
"Will my future self even care to learn about you? I couldn't give a flyin' leap about my past drivers." Her bold question and cold reminder froze me, causing a rather unsightly blot of ink at the end of my current word. "Sorry."
"Don't apologize for your future self," I resumed after a few sedated seconds. "I'm just… giving her the option…"
"Well, I hope she… er, I will appreciate it when the time comes." Nia reached for my free hand again, this time hanging on long enough to show that she meant it. "Please, don't let me stop you."
"Thank you." The page now had a decent amount, my first memory with her written out for me to read and relive.
"I had passed out, sprawled on the floor like the fool that I was for exploring a long-abandoned city for a core crystal that should've remained lost. The floor was cold and hard, my head was throbbing, and there were dangerous people outside, but it didn't matter because I was staring face-to-face with my new Blade, my partner for life. She told me her name was Nia, and little did I know that I would soon fall in love with her."
~ THE END… for now ~
Author's notes:
That's a wrap for this arc… finally. Nia, Remi, Brighid, and the Special Inquisitor all could use a rest. The Brionac insurgency was a culmination of leftover developments from the previous arc. It's like I took an Alrest newspaper and made a plot out of the headlines. After opening up the other side of the Titan for civilization, it felt natural for the next development to be about Mor Ardain trying to claim it. Now I have ideas for how certain characters will handle the fallout.
I wrote far more than I'd originally intended, not that it's a bad thing. As it turned out, the third arc more than doubled the story up to this point. Unlike the previous arc, which was a single, long adventure, this one was a lot more open-ended and multi-faceted. Even with an outline, several scenes seemingly wrote themselves, as if the characters were in charge. At times, I felt more like a reader than a writer.
Even though I joined a friendly writing community during the making of this arc, I've still felt like I'm on my own Titan. It's very tempting to fuss about being overlooked for implementing original elements, but ultimately this has always been for fun. Better yet, it's something that I've been able to share with you all. So, I actually mean it when I say thank you for reading and not deriding my story. Hopefully there's been something here for everybody, whether it's adventure, romance, combat, or simply a focus on Nia. On a final note, Xenoblade Chronicles 3 was revealed during the writing of chapters 49 and 50, but my plans haven't changed.
Anyway, it's time for a little break. Questions and comments are most appreciated! See you in the next arc!