A/N: I managed to get another update written in less than six months! Hopefully I'll be able to write a few in a row this year. Happy birthday to Definitionofawriter! I hope you had a fabulous weekend!
Warning: This story deals with Child physical/sexual abuse and PTSD. This chapter in particular contains mentions/discussions of rape, torture, starvation, and the injuries caused by that which may be triggering. Please proceed with caution.
Thank you to Amilyn for offering some medical knowledge about pregnancy and WhatBeomesofYou for beta reading :)
Olivia grasped Elliot's hand, feeling tears of joy prick her eyes, as the sound of their baby's heartbeat filled the exam room. She'd had a few months to get used to this pregnancy thing, yet it still felt like a dream every morning she woke up.
Elliot kissed her knuckles, as they looked at the screen. "How is she, doctor?" Since the day they'd found out she was pregnant, Elliot had secretly prayed for a mini Olivia. If they were having a son he'd love him too, but he loved Olivia more than anything in the world, and wanted to experience raising a carbon copy of the woman he cherished.
"She's growing like she should be, dad. If things keep going the way they are, you'll have a healthy baby girl in a few months." The doctor gave the parents-to-be a smile. "I told you two that we'd see a lot of each other. Call me Marissa. Would you like a picture of the ultrasound?"
"We would." Olivia's smile widened. "Some days I still can't believe this is real." She turned to her partner. "We're going to be parents, El. I mean I know you already are one, but-"
"Not with you. This is my first time getting to experience parenthood with you, and I want to cherish every minute of it." He kissed her head.
"You two are going to be great parents. I can tell." Marissa handed them the printout of the ultrasound picture. "The last time I saw you you had a blood pressure scare. How are your stress levels?"
That's a loaded question.
"I'm trying to manage them. This case has just been…rough, but I'm on desk duty now."
"Are you letting this handsome man take care of you?" She gave Olivia a knowing look.
Elliot chuckled. "She's actually been pretty cooperative lately."
"Oh, shove it, Stabler. But yes, he's helping in more ways than one."
"I meditate with her, give her massages, bubble baths, and uh-you know, other activities." He wiggled his eyebrows. Olivia smiled, rolling her eyes playfully.
"Well, your blood pressure seems good today so whatever you two are doing, keep doing it."
"I don't think that will be a problem thanks to these damn hormones." Olivia's face flushed. "We don't every night, but-"
"There are a lot of benefits to being intimate with your partner during pregnancy, as long as it's comfortable for both of you. It sounds like you have a healthy sex life."
"Very healthy." Elliot spoke in a deep voice that made Olivia want to send the doctor out of the room, so he could take her on the exam table.
"El." She hissed. "Stop using that voice." Although if making love to this sex God is improving my blood pressure, please let him use that voice more often.
"Sorry, babe." He grinned and she rolled her eyes again.
They were sent home with a pamphlet on birthing classes and how they could ease some anxiety about labor. Even though this wasn't a new experience for Elliot it was for Olivia, and he wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible. Not to mention since her pregnancy was considered geriatric there was an increased risk of complications.
Geriatric wasn't a term Elliot would ever use to describe her, though, especially if he wanted to keep his balls intact. Besides, to him, she'd always be the most beautiful woman in the world: a fact he would remind her of as often as he could.
X
After crying herself to sleep, Nina woke up to voices again. This time, there was one she recognized; a childlike one so innocent and free of pain it made her heart ache.
"Nina!" Eddie's excited screech filled the room, when he saw she was awake. He stopped at the side of her bed, and she involuntarily winced at the loud noise, offering him a shaky smile.
"Hey Eddie." Her voice was rough. "What are you doing here?"
"We're here to tell you the news! See-"
Fabian caught up with him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Shh, Edison. Don't spoil the surprise, remember?"
Surprise? She'd never liked surprises.
A handful of other people came into the room: Ms. Miller, Mr. Sweet, Mark, Haru, and a woman in a suit that she eyed warily.
Fabian spoke again. "Good morning, Nina. I'd like you to meet some people." He smiled reassuringly and motioned for the unfamiliar woman to come forward. She didn't extend a hand, and Nina was glad. Her fingers were numb and tingly.
"Hello, Nina, I'm Lauren. Your adoption agent."
Her eyes narrowed. Adoption agent? "It's nice to meet you," she whispered, not wanting to speak to the woman, but knowing she'd have to anyway. "Why do I need an adoption agent?"
"Well, as your mother is deceased, your stepfather is now incarcerated, and we've been unable to locate your father without a fair amount of digging, I'm afraid you don't have a guardian available to care for you. Adoption is required at this point, or a foster care home. Luckily, we've already found a suitable home."
Nina eyed Lauren with scrutiny. She didn't like her or the news she brought. "What suitable home? Don't I get any say in this?"
"You're going to be my sister!" Eddie blurted out finally, unable to restrain himself any longer.
What?
"You can be my big sister and we can be friends forever-"
"What?" Nina whispered, effectively shutting him down. She sat up as much as she could, ignoring the stab of pain it caused. "You're adopting me?"
Ms. Miller stepped forward and sat down on the end of the bed. "Nothing is confirmed yet, but if you agree, that's the plan. We tried to adopt once, when we couldn't conceive. While we have to renew our papers, we're still cleared for adoption. It'll take a few months to get everything ready, but we've already been working on it for two weeks, and Lauren, as well as the detectives on your case, are trying to speed things up as much as possible to ensure you don't have to spend any time in foster care. You can move into the manor, and we'll all live there together. It's only fifteen minutes from the school, thirty minutes from Fabian's house. You can stay in the UK and attend the academy, but you get a real, loving family this time too."
"We understand that you've been through some unimaginably rough times, and we know that it's not going to be an easy road for you, but we're willing to work with you every step of the way to get you acclimated." Mr. Sweet's tone was as sincere as Ms. Miller's. She wondered, not for the first time, if that's how a father's voice was supposed to sound. "I now understand the truth behind your fears, as well. We can install a lock on your door, and I will maintain my distance if you ask for it. I will never, ever treat you like your stepfather did. I swear to that, Nina."
Eddie bounced beside her. "Doesn't it sound great, Nina? We can be family!" He squealed. "What do you think?" Everyone seemed to hold their breath as they waited for an answer, a sign, a hint of a yes or no.
Whatever words she wanted to say became lodged in her throat, only manifesting as sobs.
Her hands shook so badly; her broken one throbbed as she struggled to make her words come out on the paper.
I'm sorry.
I'm happy about your offer. I really am.
Eddie's face had fallen, and both of his parents looked concerned. Fabian stared at Nina for a moment; his expression one of support while he read her, before he nodded and turned back to them. "Guys, I think that was a little too much, too soon. This is only the second time she's been awake for more than two minutes. She's exhausted from talking to the detective earlier today. I think she'd appreciate a couple of days to think it over. Is that okay?" He glanced back at her to ensure he was translating her reaction correctly, and she nodded, trying to curl in on herself as much as possible. She could hear his voice a short distance away, but couldn't see anyone any longer.
"Of course. You contact us when you're ready to talk, even if you don't have an answer yet, and we'll come." Ms. Miller said, with such a full scope of sympathy that it made Nina's heart hurt.
It wouldn't be so bad to have her as a mother.
She heard the shuffling of feet and then only Fabian remained.
Her tears didn't let up.
The bed shifted as his weight was put on it. She grabbed onto his arm as tightly as she could manage, which wasn't much, considering her frail state. He moved behind her so she was curled up in his arms again, and the familiar position made her relax altogether.
The tears hadn't ceased, though, not yet.
"Sorry for letting them in," he murmured. "You've barely been given time to process anything that's already happened, much less handle thinking ahead to the future." Every touch of his hand was achingly gentle. "How do you feel?" He mentally chastised himself. What kind of question was that, Rutter? How does she feel? Seriously? Isn't it obvious?
"I don't know," she whispered. Her mind felt like it was blocked, even from herself. The brief moment of emotion was gone, and while she was still crying, she could barely remember the emotion behind it. She looked down at her body and saw someone else's. This wasn't her; she didn't have a cast, nor did she have tubes sticking out from various parts of her body. "No, I do know. I feel like this isn't real. I feel like this is a facade. I died, Fabian. I feel so sure of it." She shook her head as the flashback hit.
She drove the knife from his shoulder blade to his hip on the opposite side. She hoped it looked like a whip mark, so he would never forget, and she let the pocketknife clatter to the ground with a sound she didn't hear over his screaming.
In unending pain and barely able to maintain her grasp on the mental image of Fabian in her blurry consciousness, the reality of the world slipped from her fingers.
"This can't be real. I wasn't supposed to get a second chance. Fighting him, taking him down with me, that was meant to be my final action, and I was proud of that. I wished for a chance to see you again, but I was pleased with how I'd ended things. That moment, those final few seconds, seem so clear to me. Sharp. Right now? The present? It isn't so clear. It's blurred around the edges. My death was when I truly lived, and now nothing seems lively in comparison." She saw the way Fabian's worry for her grew, with every word she spoke. "I return, as I have before, to the moment when I thought you weren't real, because everything ends."
"And everything dies." He finished for her. Her surprise was evident, and he continued. "You said that right before you stopped breathing, and it was correct. Everything has its end." He stroked her cheek. "But, this? Us? You? It didn't end in that house, and it doesn't end now, either. I'll prove to you that this was real."
She didn't have the energy, or the heart, to tell him that the part of her that had begun to heal in the UK had died in that house, that she wasn't sure who she was anymore, and she wasn't sure how he could possibly want to be friends with the shell of her that remained.
She tucked her head into the crook of his neck, closing her eyes against the bright hospital room lights. "I always thought my pain couldn't get worse, that I'd struggled through it all. I've been beaten, raped, tortured, starved…I've been through it all. But, it did. It did get worse. I sat, curled up in the closet, with burns on my feet and glass in my legs and bruises on my face and my stomach never ceasing to growl, and all I could think was that I'd die alone. He'd always said I would, you know? Of course he would be there, but that never counted. The murderers never count."
"When he took me out of that closet, he told me flat out that I'd be dead by the next day. I knew what he'd always said was true, but then I had the thought that I wouldn't just die alone. You'd suffer alone too. Once, I might have doubted my importance in your life, but now I know my death would have affected many people, you most of all. The guilt and loss would have destroyed you because you would have blamed yourself, and I couldn't…"
When she fell silent, he prompted her softly. "What?"
"I couldn't leave you without me in this world. Not without trying my damned hardest to stay."
His exhale ruffled her hair lightly. "Thank you. Thank you for fighting."
She shook her head. "No, thank you for giving me a reason to."
X
The evening passed in much the same way as the rest of the day had. Nina fading off into an unrestful sleep for a while, then waking and talking with Fabian. Their conversations after the first were much more trivial; what everyone had been up to in the UK, when they were visiting, what he'd done over winter break. She went through three water bottles in that time period, and she didn't think she'd ever spoken so much. Whispering helped, though.
"Everyone knows the truth now, don't they?" The realization had been sneaking up on her all day, prodding until it breached the surface of her thoughts. It couldn't be ignored after that, and she wasn't surprised by how much the idea bothered her.
Fabian nodded. "Yes, they do. Everyone at Anubis House, some of the people around the school, Eddie's family, of course, as well as Eddie, to the extent that a seven year old child is safe to know. My parents, everyone from your neighborhood. I've been in contact a lot with Detectives Benson and Stabler a lot while you were in the coma. I didn't give them anything from the folder yet." He said before she could ask. "I wanted your permission for that, but we've debated different attack approaches to your case, which we'll talk to you about when you're ready."
"My neighborhood knows?"
He sighed. "Someone nosed their way into the situation and told others, yes, and-" She could feel him wince without looking at him. "I guess I should tell you this now. The news got involved, and it's become a national story."
"What!?" She squeaked.
"Yeah. International, I guess, since it spread through the UK, too. They didn't report too much on the details, but they've disclosed that you've been abused by your stepfather since you were young. He's a big lawyer, so it increases the scandal even more. So, when I say everyone knows the truth. I mean everyone. We've had to stop a few reporters from trying to get in here. It's long past the point of being ridiculous."
The blood drained from her face, and her hands began shaking again. He held her tighter, as tightly as he could, without adding more pain to her body.
"Shh, it's okay. It'll wear off soon. You know how these things go. The next big story will come out, and you'll be forgotten again."
"Not by my classmates though, or teachers, or bosses, or friends." Not by the people I care about.
"I think you're underestimating the people around you. The classmates will step around you for a week, and then they'll go right back to treating you like normal. Teachers will treat you the same. Bosses only care about what you do, not what you've done or been through. Friends aren't real friends, if this changes the way they think of you. Don't ever forget that, Nina."
She nodded, worrying her bottom lip with her tooth. A frown appeared as a sudden thought occurred. Her mind was constantly either slow and dizzy, or on a fast track, and right now it was the latter, jumping from place to place in a matter of seconds. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For scaring you. For making you come all the way to America, and for making you see me like I was, nearly naked and covered in blood." She shuddered, and her muscles tensed. "Oh gosh, you did, didn't you? How much did you see?" She tried to pull away from him and curl up, but he pulled her back just as quickly. He needed her close by, needed to be able to reassure himself she was alive, as the memories haunted him.
"Your shirt was shredded and you didn't have pants on, but there was a lot of blood." He swallowed thickly, and his arms tightened around her. "Enough that it covered mostly everything. There's no reason to be ashamed, and there's no reason to apologize for any of that. It wasn't your fault. None of it was."
As she processed his words, she did a thorough check of her body. She was in a hospital dress that left her feeling bare and incredibly exposed. It was short-sleeved, so her scars were on display.
Oh God no, everyone that had been in here saw her scars.
Her right arm and hand were all casted and unable to move. Her arm hung at a very odd, limp angle as she cuddled against Fabian. It radiated pain despite the copious amount of painkillers she had to be on. The dress ended at her mid-thigh, revealing all of those scars as well, though they had been covered by blankets earlier. She scrambled to yank the blankets up her body, when she realized the dress had hiked up enough, that Fabian could see the beginning of the cigarette burns on her thighs.
Everything began to make its way through the bubble that had been around her since waking. Her hands shook, and she tried to pull away from him, this time managing to, and curled up into a tight ball. "Nina? Nina, darling, what's wrong?" The heartbeat tracker picked up as she began to hyperventilate.
"I was so scared." She whimpered. "I was terrified, and no one was there. I know it's not your fault, but he took me and beat me until I stopped breathing, and you weren't there. Now I can't draw anymore because of my arm and everyone knows and everything is going to change, and I'm gonna have to go to court and see him, and suffer through every look he sends me, and I'll still be alone. I can feel it in me, this emptiness, clawing at my insides. You're here, but it's different now. We can't go back from what happened. You'll look at me, and you won't see me. You'll see the dead girl on the bed. I need you more than air, but I'm terrified that you'll be snatched away from me again, and I can't handle that."
"Nina-" She cringed away from him, the old habit formed again in her rising panic. When he spoke, his voice cracked. "Do you want me to leave?"
No, no, please don't leave. Don't leave me.
"I'm not going to make you stay," she whispered. Exhaustion was beginning to cripple her thought process, and even the ever-constant pain in her body couldn't keep her awake for much longer. "But, I'd do anything, if it meant you wouldn't go."
There was a second of absolute silence, discounting the steady hums, whirs, and beeps of the various machines in the room. The bed springs groaned as his weight was lifted from the mattress, and his footsteps walked away from the bed. He's leaving me, she despaired momentarily, but then they rounded the bed and came to the other side. He sat down in the chair beside her bed and put his hand over hers. "Then, of course I will stay, Nina." He placed a feather-light kiss on her bruised knuckles. "Get some sleep, darling."
She was too tired to respond, but she managed a faint smile before drifting off to sleep once again.
A/N: Thanks for reading! It's ironic that the muse for the fic I got on stan Twitter for only seems to be inspired now that I'm no longer on stan Twitter, but hopefully this means I'll finally get it written and finished! I think there will be about 25-30 chapters of this one.