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chapter twenty-four.
Madam Puddifoot's was pink.
It was pink and red and white and frilly and everything gaudy; the shop looked as if it was always in a perpetual state of being prepared for Valentine's Day with how it was decorated. The tables were topped with lace and the walls had little cherubs charmed into the wallpaper that floated about and pretended to shoot arrows at blushing couples, blowing kisses, and giving all-knowing winks.
The place was tightly packed like a tin of sardines, other students sat at small tables piled high with tiers of sandwiches, cupcakes and sweet things as their interlocked hands were on view for everyone to see. The atmosphere made Emilia feel very out of sorts and even more so out of place as she tried not to stare too long at other people, keeping her head down in order to hide the fact her face matched the same shade of the frilly edges of the tables.
It was hard moving through the crowded room, afraid that moving an inch to the left or the right would cause her to knock over a table and break the fragile China cups and teapots; Sirius moved with a lot more ease and was trying to spot a free table for them to sit, craning his head over the surface of the students. Emilia trailed after him, feeling like she was wearing too many layers despite the skirt she was wearing and wondered how he wasn't sweating right through his own clothes.
In fact, when he took her hand by surprise to make sure they wouldn't get lost in the sea of puppy love, his skin felt cold and clammy.
The touch of his hand on hers made Emilia jumped and all she could think about was how everyone else was doing the same thing, but they were different, and her reaction caused Sirius to pause and look back at her, confused. She tried to play it off, appearing nonchalant and hoping he wasn't good at Legilimency for fear her could hear how her mind was replaying Peter's words over and over again in her mind.
Truth be told, Emilia didn't know what bothered her more – the fact people would think her and Sirius being on a date was an impossible and laughable concept, or the fact that he had gone on dates with so many girls to Madam Puddifoot's but she wasn't seen as worthy enough.
Not that she wanted to be on a date with Sirius; they were friends! It was just… Emilia wondered if there was something truly hideous about her that made anyone not see her as dating material.
The whole thing was putting Emilia out of sorts, and she tried to push these thoughts from her head, imagining herself throwing them into a sack and dropping it off the highest cliff into the darkest recesses of her mind so that they wouldn't bother with her. The only thing about skeletons in the closet was that they were always there no matter how much you ignored them.
A throat clearing cough broke Emilia from her downward trajectory of thinking, and she looked to see Sirius standing close before her and the sight of their locked hands held between them made her heart quicken for a moment before she took her hand back, snapping it toward her. She hadn't meant to break the hold apart, but the action wasn't exactly helping her already jumbled thoughts that were getting more knotted and frayed.
"You know," Sirius began, a pause ensuing as if he was unsure if he wanted to say what he had in mind, voice having to go a level up in volume so that she could hear him above the chatter and ruckus of plates and ceramic clinking against one another. There was brief hesitation, and she met his eyes, but whatever was there had vanished a second before she could catch it. Part of Emilia feared that he knew what Peter had said to her and what she was thinking, and another part of her feared that he agreed with her that the very thought of this being a date was laughable to him. Instead, he cleared his throat again to get the words out. "We don't have to do everything I say."
Emilia blinked. "What?"
Maybe it was her imagination, but if she were to guess, she would have said that Sirius looked a little… self-conscious. As if. "I just meant we can go to The Three Broomsticks if you would prefer to go there."
"No, let's eat here," Emilia insisted, feeling awkward at the fact Sirius could tell something was up but was not able to pinpoint what exactly it was that was bothering Emilia. And she felt bad that she was letting it get to her, for letting what Peter had said get to her. She took to wringing her hands as she was wont to do when her nerves began to feel frazzled, and also… and also because she wasn't sure if she wanted Sirius to hold her hand again. She didn't like the knots in her stomach or the way her heart tripped in her chest whenever he did. "We're already inside, there's no point in turning around and leaving."
Emilia was pleased at how assured she sounded, something that definitely didn't translate internally as she tried to pretend to be preoccupied with searching for a table, anything but look at Sirius.
But she couldn't avoid him without making it blatantly obvious and therefore more awkward than it already was, so her eyes flitted back up to meet Sirius' storming ones, wondering if there had ever been a time she was able to withstand how tense his gaze. He pursed his lips and he stepped closer to avoid a crash happening when a young witch brushed past him with a tray on either hand and on top of her head. Emilia made sure not to take a step back, no matter how much it felt like the air from her lungs was being whisked away the second Sirius stood close enough.
"Are you doing this just to please me?" he asked, and Emilia's eyes widened for a second.
She would never make it as an actress.
"What?" she parroted, wondering if her faux ignorance would not give way to her feeling all too aware – aware of the non-existent space between them, aware of the way Sirius' cologne drifted through the smell of teas and icing, aware of how her hands were clammy. It was as if a flip within her was switched, and all these uncomfortable feelings were brought to life.
"I just…" Sirius began in an exasperated tone, and he reached up to hastily run his hand through his soft curls, snagging on a few knots and the shape of the strands unwinding into imperfect spirals that fell around him in an inky curtain. "I got the feeling early that you didn't want to come here."
The guilt that had been eating her up cannibalised her even more and Emilia cursed herself for not being able to at least to pretend that she hadn't been bothered by Peter's earlier words; she didn't even know why they bothered her, for everything she thought she had an answer, a feeling would come along to contradict it and she didn't know what was the truth.
Did she want Sirius to step closer, or to step away so she could actually breathe? It was all so confusing and only going to wear her away to nothing, tethers that are frayed until she was falling apart.
Taking a soft, deep breath Emilia decided to dedicate herself to pretending those hypocritical thoughts and feelings didn't exist, that they weren't climbing up the sides of the void she had tossed them into. It wasn't Sirius' fault, he had no idea what it was that was bothering her and it was because of her refusal to say it to him that made him all the more innocent as well as ignorant. She just had to get herself together; she wasn't about to lose one of the only people she could call a true friend because she couldn't just at least pretend to not have guilt and worry eating away at her.
Once the air that had pooled in her lungs leaked out through her nose, Emilia once and for all committed herself to this new act: the act of nothing being wrong at all. She unconsciously wiped her palms on her jackets and shook her head, reaching up to sweep her hair behind her ear, putting on a somewhat normal smile on her face to lend believability to this. She ignored the fact she wondered if her smile looked nice enough, or if didn't look ridiculous.
"Of course not. I do want to be here," Emilia insisted, chewing on the inside of her cheek and ignoring how jittery she felt. It was the truth – she liked spending time with Sirius, regardless of where they were or what they were doing. It was just her conversation with Peter had thrown her off kilter and distracted her from a moment, but then she, and everything, would be back to normal soon enough. "What makes you think I didn't?"
Sirius was looking at her with narrowed eyes and Emilia began to doubt whether her skills were even good enough to put on even the easiest of acts for him to believe. Sirius' critical eye took her in, incredulous and doubtful and that knotting feeling in her stomach reared its head again for an entirely reason that evaded being answered by Emilia. "The fact you kept questioning and had a look on your face like I just told you I murdered your entire family."
Emilia stopped herself from blanching, feeling sheepish at having been so obvious and caught out. She swallowed and tried her hand at smiling again, an airy laugh leaving her. She had no doubt he didn't believe it was sincere as when did she ever laugh or smile without prompt? "No, I… I've never been here. Didn't know what was on the menu."
That was that but Sirius was still looking as if he was waiting for her to say more. God, why had she made things so awkward? It was all because of Peter's ridiculous and laughable words that were completely improbable, and she had been so caught up in the ludicrous notion of anyone thinking she and Sirius were on a date that she forgot that today was just about the two of them spending time together as good friends.
Hopefully Sirius wouldn't be too put off by her behaviour. Casting a quick glance to him, she saw him nodding to himself, as if he was trying to convince himself that it was a reasonable excuse that explained her reaction.
But thing about Sirius is that he would never drill her for answers; perhaps question, but never push her to give it up. Maybe in a weeks time she'll laugh at how she reacted and tell him and hear him laugh too.
"Right." Was all he said and then nothing more. Emilia didn't know what she was expecting and her nerves were buzzing beneath her skin as she tried to ease the air by saying something but nothing came to mind.
A sudden thought burst to the fore and she did a quick turn of the place and, without giving any more thought, she reached forward and grabbed Sirius' hand, feeling a lot less clammy than it had been last time and he had warmed up slightly after being inside for a while. She ignored the way her cheeks turned back to their usual state as they always were when she was around Sirius and her hand must have been colder than she initially believed as Sirius jolted as if struck with a bolt of electricity, looking down at their hands.
Last thing anyone wants is to hold hands with someone who was cold and sweaty and Emilia felt embarrassed at having done so without allowing room for reason.
This was a first for her – to reach across a seemingly endless divide and to initiate something like this; she had always waited for him to do so, and it felt entirely out of her comfort zone to be the one to make the first move, but she didn't hate it per say. She only hoped she hadn't crossed a line with him because it was always hard to figure out the boundary lines of other people, be it with touch or with words so she always just tried to not… well, do anything really.
At least Sirius hadn't pulled away or snapped at her, in fact he didn't say anything as he stared at her. But the silence unsettled her more than anything because she wanted confirmation on whether she had crossed a line or not.
Then, his fingers tightened around her and it was unspoken but loud: this is okay.
Emilia gave a small cough to free herself of the lump that gathered at the base of her throat, taking to making a show of looking around the shop all the while not really paying attention on anyone or anything other than the warmth that cradled her hand, burning up her bones and embedded into her marrow. "We should sit somewhere. Or else a crash might occur."
As if to prove her point, a pot of tea was knocked over on a table to the right of the two of them, the golden liquid bleeding into the lace and staining it a beige colour. Emilia could feel Sirius' hand wriggle in hers, twisting about and she peered down to see Sirius readjust their grip before his fingers slipped in between hers, but he was too busy trying to find them a seat to see Emilia staring at where their bodies were linked.
The touch of his skin definitely wasn't helping the pit that was forming in the bottom of her stomach.
"I think I spot a free table over there," he announced, his other free arm pointing to a space far off into the corner. Emilia stood on the tips of her feet to spy where he was indicating to, spotting a small, secluded area that wasn't as out onto the open as the rest of these seats were.
She trailed after him as they weaved in and out through the tables, Emilia staring down at his feet to match his steps so that she wouldn't end up causing a domino effect of crashing chairs and tables; it was warmer the further they went into the shop and she was worried she would end up sweating through her coat entirely by the time they got to the table and longed for some air conditioning to relieve the heat that was choking her. Their hands swung slightly in the space between them but never broke.
Their table was right against the wall beneath a window that gave them a view of the picturesque snow laden village outside and she took her hand back in order to shrug off her jacket, nearly sighing from escaping the extra layer and she sat down with Sirius taking the seat right across from her. The table was topped with a baby pink frilly lace cover and had an empty three tier for sandwiches and cupcakes, being all that it could handle since the slab of wood didn't seem able to have much space for anything else.
Emilia became acutely aware of just how small these tables were when she pulled her chair in, knocking knees with Sirius and, in a ridiculous thought, she realised that they wouldn't have to put much effort into leaning across the table if they wanted their noses to touch.
The cherubs on the wallpaper were taking interest in the new couple sitting down and Emilia tried to ignore them as they flew about the two, casting her winks over Sirius' shoulder and pretending to nock an arrow tipped with a heart aimed at her. She turned her gaze down in embarrassment at the show as Sirius fanned himself.
"I thought I was going to sweat right through my clothes," he groaned, slumping in his chair and Emilia tried not to stare when he picked up the collar of his sweater and aired himself out to regulate his body temperature. The lighting was warm in here and cast a gentle glow on his face, making her all too painfully aware of his face and how handsome it was.
She gave a hum and, unable to sit idle, picking up a menu lingering at the corner of the table and pretended to be engrossed in it. "It is very warm."
"I can tell," he stated and Emilia peered up through her lashes confused but he was already staring at her.
"You can?"
He nodded and more cherubs were grouping beneath the windowsill, chins on their hands and eyes bouncing back and forth between the two as they spoke. "You're very red in the face."
"I am?" she asked and her hands went to her cheeks, the back of her fingers pressed against the blazing skin in hopes to alleviate the redness that was apparently standing out too much. She pressed on the flesh, her hands noticeably a tad cooler and flipped her hands back around, cupping her face between them like water. Sirius stared at her all the while. "Is it noticeable?"
He didn't say anything, watching her try to cool herself to no evident success and he had this faraway look in his eyes, glued to her and Emilia shifted beneath it, wanting nothing more than to bury her face in her palms to hide away from his stare. Then, he sat up straighter and picked up the remaining menu, brushing back a curtain of hair and shaking his head. She could see the lip of the lace hanging over his side moving up and down due to his bouncing leg. "No, you're fine."
Beside them, the cherubs smacked their foreheads in quiet unison.
Sirius said no more on the matter and Emilia's hand dropped hesitantly, hands twitching as a silence stretched on. The cherubs, seeing that there was no more entertainment to be had, flew off to other corners of the room and it was just them.
Just them.
Just her and Sirius in Madam Puddifoot's and surrounded by other students who looked closer to jumping over the table and sticking their tongue down their date's throat.
Uncomfortable wasn't the right word she wanted to say; in fact, Emilia was far too aware of the abundance of romance ensuing in the room around them and she ducked her head behind the menu, hair slipping from her shoulders to shield her from the view.
Of all the places to go to, Emilia would never have chosen here; that wasn't to say that friends didn't go to Madam Puddifoot's, she often heard of the other girls in her dorm going together on days such as Valentine's Day when they had no dates in order to make up for it with each others company, but she had never been invited other than a you can come if you want.
And for some reason, what Peter had said was branded into her, sticking to every surface of her brain to the point she wondered if she was capable of thinking about anything else.
It was ridiculous, really, how worked up she was getting; did Sirius think that she thought that this was a date? Or was he completely unaware? Maybe he did know how she was worried about this being more than two friends having lunch and decided not to comment on it. Not that she was worried – it just felt like there was the entire zoo raging havoc in her chest and in her stomach and she was reading the selection of hot drinks for the fourth time but unable to soak the words it.
Honestly, she had read enough books to know that if it was a date, then Sirius would have said something but he hadn't therefore that meant it wasn't and she was rereading the hot drinks section for a sixth time now again.
But… but if he had, hypothetically of course, asked her, would she have said yes? It was very hard to say no to Sirius, even more so as of late. He had a way about him that made it hard to refuse him anything, and Emilia's willpower was being chipped away to the point it only existed in a metaphorical sense anymore. Her collar was sticking to the back of her neck, the strands of her hair trapped beneath rubbing against her skin in an uncomfortable way and her teeth were going to tear through her bottom lip at any second.
Then, something bumped against her ankle and Emilia managed to catch herself before she jumped out of her seat, sitting up from her hunched position to see Sirius gazing at her from across the table, arms over his chest and a ghost of a smile haunting his lips.
"Hey," he said softly. Her ears were unbearable warm; how long had he been staring at her rereading the same line over and over again?
Emilia felt bashful and tried her hand at returning the smile but it wavered and her fingers were threatening to tear through the menu. "Hi."
"So…" Sirius trailed off, shuffling in his seat and leaning forward on the table, elbow propped up and hand cradling his jaw. The cool lighting from the window clashed with the warm glow from inside, fracturing his features. "You come here often?"
Emilia unwound her shoulders to lessen the tension and gave a short bout of laughter, trying to loosen herself up as she shook her head at him. She realised all too late that he was trying to ease a tension that was sitting between them, one that she was the cause behind. No more – she was here to a have a good time, damned be Peter Pettigrew and his words.
Sirius seemed quite pleased to have elicited a laugh from Emilia and that familiar pleased look appeared on his face once before it twitched, cracking slightly and something else shone through before it was patched up again. "You know, if you really want to go somewhere else - "
Emilia placed the menu down on the table and pressed her lips together in a serious look; she wouldn't let her stupid feelings and stupid thoughts get in the way of spending time with Sirius, nor risk their friendship. "I don't, Sirius. Really."
He quirked a brow. "Really really?"
Emilia nodded her head. "Really really."
He leaned forward, trying to discern if she was being genuine, a playful look sparkling in those eyes of his. "Really really really?"
The corners of her mouth turned up and Emilia had forgotten when she didn't get caught up in her own mind just how comfortable it was being around Sirius. "I promise."
Sirius slumped back in a reaction she might have said was relief and that easy air about him returned once more. "Good, I would feel bad if I ever made you uncomfortable."
Emilia felt stunned at his words; was that what he had been thinking? That he was making her uncomfortable? Emilia cursed herself even further for having let things get so awkward before and wanted to salvage their outing so that they wouldn't part on unequal terms. The thought of Sirius ever making her uncomfortable seemed impossible and a ridiculous notion to her, she couldn't believe that that was what he had been worried about while her mind was far from that.
"You haven't. You don't," Emilia insisted and his eyes turned to her as if her words alone weren't enough for him to believe her and needed to see her face for himself before he took that leap of faith. The tension that had tied up her muscles was unknotted and she sat back in her chair, lifting one shoulder. "Why would I be? It's not like we haven't ever eaten together before."
Sirius blinked, falling into a momentary lapse of silence. To her, it seemed as if the concept had never crossed his mind before. Then he recollected himself again and gave a laugh that could have been called nervous. "That… is very true. I just thought with everything around us…"
He gestured around the two of them vaguely and Emilia gave a quick look around the shop; everyone else seemed caught up in their own world and it made Emilia much better about the whole thing, that no one would be talking and laughing over rumours of her and Sirius going on a date to Madam Puddifoot's.
Before Sirius, Emilia would have spent her time people watching, noticing how a hand reaching across a table would have found nothing as the one it was searching for retracted itself, or how someone would be staring at their date that seemed unaware. But that had felt so long ago, that part of Emilia that almost didn't exist anymore and the only person she had any interest in watching was sitting across from her. Now that he had brought the surrounding room to her attention, she picked up on the other couples who were not being very subtle about PDA, making her scrunch up her face.
"Well," she said turning back to Sirius as she didn't fancy the idea of encroaching on those not so private moments. "I might end up puking a bit."
"Don't like pink?" Sirius asked, back to leaning over the table so that they could keep their voices as low as they possibly could. All the snow from outside had melted, leaving a sheen on his hair and dark spots on his clothes.
"Not that," she explained and flickered her gaze back to the rest of shop floor. "Just… everything else."
The stretched pause caused her to turn back to Sirius, catching a glimpse of his face which had a look of realisation etched into his features. "Oh."
Emilia's brows furrowed together, wondering what it was exactly that was going through his mind. "What?"
Sirius sat back into his chair and beneath the table, his legs stretched themselves out, his feet resting against each side of her chair, her ankles brushing against the inside of his calves. She crossed her legs carefully to give herself some room and so that they wouldn't keep bumping up against one another. "I didn't realise."
Confusion deepened the lines on her face even further. "Realise what?"
Sirius picked at a corner of his menu that lay flat on the table. He had a teasing smile on his face. "That you're a prude."
A blush crept up onto her cheeks; had it been that obvious? She wouldn't say she was conservative by any means, but such displays of wanton affection in such a way made her shift uneasily, diverting her eyes. Sirius had called her innocent once – it hadn't been entirely untrue since all her information came from books that lay beneath her aunt's bed and hearing the other girls in the dorm talk about the other boys and girls that they had been with.
But Emilia hadn't realised it was so blatant to everyone else about how little she knew, or rather how little she had experienced. The farthest she had gone was holding hands and that was with Sirius, so it barely counted since they were friends and didn't really count to other people. It wasn't that she was prudish, and she despised the word 'innocent', but it felt embarrassing at her age to have done and know so little compared to everyone else.
Especially compared to Sirius.
Did he just see her as some kid who didn't know anything? Just because she had never got the chance to do what other teenagers did, didn't mean she didn't want to. Unlike her luckier peers, opportunity just… simply never came along for her. It felt like she was growing up later than the rest of her school mates, and it made her all too aware of those precious teenage years were quickly coming to an end. She might as well take the veil with the rate she was going at.
She didn't want Sirius to see her as some innocent child. She was a girl, too. And a woman. Because that's what she was now at the cusp of being eighteen, and she wanted him to see that too.
Emilia dismissed those thoughts however and just gave a tight smile. "Just a bit."
Sirius' eyebrows darted up his forehead as if something of keen interest had struck him and he closed what little distance already existed between them over the table. "Really? I thought you would have liked all of this."
That was an… interesting thing to think, Emilia noted. She felt the frown on her mouth as she wondered what had led him to think that she liked any of this. Not that she hated it, far from it, but his choice of words certainly stuck with her. "Why would you think that?"
A sheepish expression flickered over Sirius' face and his hand went to the back of his neck, the ends of his curls gracing his hand as he suddenly dropped his eyes, features screwed up. "I mean, I thought you liked romance."
Well he wasn't wrong on that front. But her idea of romance usually lay with the likes of Pride and Prejudice and sometimes those bodice rippers that were everywhere in Muggle bookstores, but that had been the extent of her brush with romance. It never crossed her mind why Sirius had given thought to the likes of romance, especially with her.
"I like reading about it," she stated, hoping to quell the somewhat deflated look that had caused some of his earlier enthusiasm to deflate. She did a quick survey of the room, eyes catching onto something as she uncrossed her legs to nudge his ankle to garner his attention, leaning forward and dropping her voice with her hand covering her mouth so that no one else but Sirius could see her lips move all the while conspicuously pointing. "Doesn't mean I think watching Errol Hunter stick his tongue down Derik Solace's throat is romantic."
Sirius mimicked how she was sitting, the two of them nearly brushing cheeks as he spotted what she was gesturing to; sure enough, the two watched with a strange fascination as the two boys locked lips with one another, not caring for much the other people around them. Sirius snickered and she grinned at her success. "He probably didn't even finish chewing his chocolate cake before doing tongue with him."
Emilia blanched at the thought and suppressed a shudder. "So that's chocolate cake off the menu for me."
She moved away again, gaining some breathing space and only just noticing as she took a breath how tightly wound up her heart was in her chest. The hunger that had been brewing in her stomach seemed to have dissipated slightly and she wouldn't have minded if she just sat here with Sirius for a few hours with no food to eat between them. Her earlier reservations and awkwardness felt like a trick of the mind, how she felt none of that now; she still found it hard to fathom that only a few short months ago she would have loved nothing more than for his silence, now tried her best to make sure that that never happened.
Snowflakes were gathering up outside the window and smothered the light from outside from leaking in, and the initial warmth of the tea shop regulated, leaving her feel as if she wasn't baking in a furnace. The cherubs were back again, watching the two with keen fascination and crowding around her and Sirius, sneaky and all-knowing grins on their round faces. There was one making kissy faces at her before he was slapped by his companion with the butt of an arrow as he shook his head in disapproval from the lack of professionalism.
Sirius was wringing his hands on top of the table, as if he had more on his mind to say, his legs on either side of her jittering slightly. Emilia had never seen him like this, it was strange and she didn't know what it was that was bothering him. "I thought that all girls liked this kind of stuff."
Emilia hummed, clicking her tongue as she took to fiddling with the edge of the menu. Of course she had thought about 'this kind of stuff' – she had thought about it growing up all the time but what was the point when everything was the way that it was, and that she was the way that she was? There wasn't exactly a line of people queueing up to help her fulfil all her teenage fantasies. It was sad, but it was true.
Not exactly what every teenage girl wants to realise, but facing the bitter truth was an age old tradition that Emilia had grown accustomed to.
"Well, it's my first time so I guess I'm just not used to it," she said and Sirius' legs beneath the table stopping bouncing and she watched as his eyes widened, an undiscernible emotion on his face.
"Shut up," he breathed with such a seriousness that left Emilia reeling.
Had she said something? She didn't think it so self deprecating to have him be annoyed and rolling his eyes, but he continued to just stare at her as if she had told him that she had murdered his dog, his gaze darting around her face and leaving her feel uncomfortable.
"Oh," Emilia said, not sure how to respond. "Um, okay."
He seemed to have picked up the fact she had misinterpreted his words and he shook his head in a fervorous motion as he scrambled up in his seat, an apparent air of surprise and shock clinging to him.
"No, I didn't mean it like – what I did mean is," Sirius began, stumbling over his words but his mouth clamped shut as if he was trying to search for the right thing to say, all the while Emilia watched him. The seconds stretched on and she could see how every thought that crashed through his mind was projected onto his face, scrunching up and she couldn't keep up with him. His mouth opened once, twice and then a third time but each time nothing came out and she was about to ask him when he moved in close, legs of his chair screeching until he was pushed up right to the lip of the table. There was a genuine seriousness about him, one she had never seen before; it was different to the other times he had been so grim and solemn, there was a newness to it – earnest, curious. Wonder. "You mean to tell me that you've never…?"
She raised a brow, head cocked to the side as his hands twirled around each other in a vague motion as if to elaborate on his words, but it left Emilia feel confused. "Never what?"
He looked around them, to the cherubs nearly bursting the wallpaper off the walls, to the other couples, to between them as if it should be obvious to her. "Done this?"
She took a glance around the room, to the cherubs who were on the edge and to the still empty three tier cupcake stand and then back to Sirius. "Tea and cakes?"
He scoffed, deflating a bit and griped as he ran his hand through his hair, shaking the strands he did so. "You're being coy on purpose."
Emilia tensed, caving slightly in on herself; was that what he thought? He was being so elusive and her confusion led way to slight humiliation. She wasn't aware that she was being anything on purpose and her arms tightening around herself, elbows digging into her sides as she watched him chew on his thumbnail, glaring off into the distance. It was such a turn that it left Emilia scrambling to try and understand. "What?"
After a moment, Sirius finally deigned to flicker his eyes back to her, nearly moving away before tacking onto Emilia, as if realising that there had been some confusion in the whole exchange and then his spine straightened, as if a thought had pushed itself into the front of his mind. "Okay, you're not. Now I feel like I made it awkward."
Emilia shook her head, shifting in her seat. She really wished that Madam Puddifoot would make her way over soon that at least she could preoccupy herself with some food. "And you're also making no sense."
"I just find it hard to believe," left Sirius in a rush of air as he gaped at Emilia in an air of disbelief. The longer they held eye contact, the more aware Emilia became – of the way she had yet to cross her legs again so that they wouldn't be touching, of the way that the chatter around them went unheard by her, of the way that her heart had dropped from her chest, as if it was plopped out onto the table before them and he could see everything. He chewed on his lip and cleared his throat; the reflection of the pink wallpaper bounced onto his cheeks. "I don't mean to pry – "
Emilia snorted unprompted. "You absolutely do mean to."
He grinned but it wavered slightly, as if it were forced. "You're right, I do. I'm just a curious soul."
Emilia huffed and waved her hand, subjecting herself to whatever inquisition he had in store for her. She was used to it at this point, there's nothing that could really shock her. "Fine, as your birthday present, pry away."
There was a moment of grace where he pretended to reconsider before the words tumbled out of his mouth. "I just find it hard to believe it. You mean to say that you've never been with anyone?"
Oh.
Oh.
Her lack of response paired with the way her face lit up was evidence enough to the answer that he was expecting and Emilia wanted nothing more than to crawl into the deepest pit in Britain and die in it. She had no idea that that would come out of his mouth and she felt tongue tied, might have let out a jumble of nonsensical words had her voice was not currently dying of mortification from the fact it would have to job of responding to him.
Of all the things to ask, she could never have expected him to ask that! God, was it that obvious? It must have been from the way he was staring at her turn the colour of cherries, how she couldn't seem to keep eye contact and was wilting away into nothing beneath his stare. Emilia's stomach flipped and turned over with such ferocity that put the best ballerina to shame and she couldn't believe that she finally had to admit it – that she was as annoyingly innocent as he probably thought her to be.
What could she say? Every answer was as humiliating as its predecessor and, worse, each one was the truth. Would he laugh at her? Emilia knew he wouldn't do so in malice, but she knew the whole thing was laughable – she was nearly eighteen and she had never kissed someone, let alone been on a date with another person. In fact, the only boy she had ever had a conversation with that lasted longer than 'do you have a pen I can borrow?' was him. It felt all so mortifying having to say it, that she had as much experience as a nun would.
Sirius was waiting on the edge of his seat for her answer and it made her creep further away; he wouldn't be mean to her over it, wouldn't make fun of her like Marina did but it held this deep rooted shame with it, that there must be something wrong with her if no one had ever decided to spare Emilia a second glance in her seventeen years on this planet.
The only boy who had ever done so was Sirius and she was not about to tell him that. He was a lot of her firsts and he was a friend but it just felt all so discomfiting to have to expose it all to him. Emilia resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands and instead swallowed thickly, knowing that her reaction alone would have told him everything he needed to know.
"I – "
A shadow crept up on them and the two jumped away from one another in their seats and Emilia looked up to see a middle aged witch standing over them, hands on her hips and a grin on her painted lips.
"Well, hello my dears!" the witch greeted and Emilia assumed that this was Madam Puddifoot in all her glory, endlessly relieved that the older woman had unknowingly saved her from an excruciating conversation, a breath of relief leaving her. Madam Puddifoot smiled down at Emilia before her eyes turned to Sirius and her expression changed, turning sly and ever-knowing. "I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that it was Sirius Black sitting at this table. It's been some time since you've darkened my doorstep."
Sirius' smile was tight on his face. "Madam Puddifoot, always a pleasure."
The woman gave a hearty chuckle, shifting the weight onto her left leg and peering down at Emilia with a critical eye that turned soft. "And who is this beautiful young lady?"
Emilia flushed a little at the witch's wording. "I'm Emilia Greene."
Madam Puddifoot hummed, one hand on her hip rising to her chin where her finger tapped, narrowing her eyes at the form of Emilia as if she was trying to pick her face out from a memory that didn't exist. "Hm, I've never seen you before."
"It's my first time here."
Madam Puddifoot arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow. That sly expression made its way onto face again, as if she knew something Emilia didn't. "First time here ever, or first time with here with Sirius?"
Emilia's heart seized up as her eyes widened, raising her hands to shake them in denial. "Oh, no, it's not – "
A sudden bout of laughter cut her off, loud enough to draw attention from a few other tables as Sirius forced it out of his lungs, hand slapping the table and the sound leaving him certainly did not match the taut look on his face. "You're so funny, Madam Puddifoot. Had you not excelled in opening up a tea shop, you might have been a comic!"
Emilia didn't know what it was that Madam Puddifoot said that seemed so funny but she put on an apprehensive smile, noting how the cherubs were making gestures on the wallpaper with their hands cutting across their throats towards the owner which she dismissed with a wave of her hand.
"You flatter me too much, Mr. Black, but I've missed it, and you," she cooed and she had no reservations as she bent down to pinch Sirius' cheek as if he were a child who told her something amusing. "Tell you what, this is on me today."
Emilia cut in. "No, Madam Puddifoot, we couldn't possibly. I'll pay for today."
Madam Puddifoot did not seem the least bit amused as her previous fondness for Sirius disappeared into something critical, shaking her head and tutting her tongue, arms over her chest. "Letting the girl pay, Sirius? You've lost your manners and touch."
Sirius cast a sharp glance over at Emilia. "She is most definitely not paying."
Emilia frowned. "Yes I am."
"No, you're not."
"Am too."
"Are not."
A sigh left Madam Puddifoot, stopping the spat before it could get out of hand. "Oh, to be young again. I'll just get you your order while you two hash it out. Usual, I presume?"
He had a usual.
A usual.
It seemed Peter wasn't lying about how often Sirius frequented this place, not with him having a usual. That uncomfortable feeling settled into the bottom of Emilia's stomach again and her jaw was more set in its place, tight and she couldn't unwind it. The redness in Sirius' cheeks flickered to a darker shade for a moment and his voice seemed softer than she had ever heard it. "That'll be fine."
Madam Puddifoot hummed in confirmation and grinned at the two, hands on her hips. "Alright dearies, it'll be a small wait. I'll leave you two to talk." She gave the cherubs a pointed glare. "Alone."
The cherubs flitted off at the reprimand in an instant and Madam Puddifoot was gone with a swish her skirts, expertly manoeuvring the tight lanes between the tables and Emilia watched her go, unable to let go of that discomforting ball of something that was tangled behind her ribs. Peter had told her, had he not? But she thought he had been exaggerating, and now she had heard if for herself. He had a usual – which meant he must have been coming here long enough to be on such good terms with Madam Puddifoot in order for her to know exactly what he was going to get.
So what? Emilia thought disgruntled, not liking the downward turn her mood was taking. She had known Sirius had dated people and people who were dating went on dates, that was their whole thing. It wasn't her business whether he had been bringing people here on dates or not, it had nothing to do with her.
Maybe she was just being selfish – wanting Sirius all to herself since he was her only real friend. But she didn't feel this way when he hung out with his other friends, and she certainly didn't like the idea of having him be like her with no other friends but each other. So why did she care so much?
Emilia pushed all those thoughts away, deciding not to let them stain a good day out. "What's the usual?"
Sirius perked up, as if he had forgotten she was sitting across from him. He wiped his features clean so that she couldn't pick apart what it might have been that had him in such deep thought. "Oh, it's those pink frilly things she has, some tea and caramel fudge corners."
"How much?"
Sirius groaned, rolling his eyes. "You're not paying."
"Why not?!" Emilia argued, feeling frustrated. This was supposed to be his birthday present and if he didn't let her get this, then she would have given him absolutely nothing. No matter what he said, Emilia highly doubted that spending time with her hardly sufficed as a birthday present for anyone.
"Because I'm – " Sirius began before reeling his tongue back into his head, a choking sound leaving him that was supposed to be the rest of his sentence before he coughed. "Because she said it's on the house and that's a fight you'll never win against her."
Exasperated and not wanting to keep it up, Emilia crossed her arms over her chest and slumped into her seat, the spine of the chair none too kind. "Fine."
It was a fight she would not win so Emilia left it hanging in the air between, wishing that Madam Puddifoot would whisk their food out to them soon before she was getting nervous with this direction of conversation.
As if hearing her thoughts, Sirius picked up the previously abandoned thread of talk.
"You never answered my question."
If he thought Emilia was being coy on purpose before, she certainly was now as a nervous turn of her lips crept up. "You have plenty of questions all the time, which one in particular."
Sirius didn't look ready to drop it; in fact, his earlier curiosity was at the fore now again. "About you and… well, no one."
Well, he didn't have to say it like that. His choice of phrase made her cheeks heat up. "Oh."
Gaging her reaction, Sirius quickly backtracked. "Sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I don't mean to be so nosy."
Emilia shook her head; it wasn't as if he hadn't known or that it was false. It was out there now and she knew Sirius wouldn't be so cruel as to make fun of her. "It's not as if there's nothing to hide."
"There's not?" he asked, arms crossed on the table and waiting for her to continue.
"No, there isn't," Emilia explained and took a deep breath to ease her nerves that buzzed beneath her skin. She had never talked about this to anyone, let alone to Sirius – another first of hers that he had taken. She had always heard the other girls in the dorm talk about boys and girls and dating and feelings, and Emilia had always been on the outskirts listening but never participating because either no one cared enough to ask, or they knew that there was nothing for her to talk about. She picked at the lace table cloth and found it hard to keep eye contact, so instead she watched as she snagged a thread free and her voice dropped to a murmur. "There's never been me and… anyone."
Despite all the evidence, Sirius' surprise doubled even further as if it was a hard thing to fathom. "Ever?"
"Never ever."
"Like, not even a crush or anything?" he enquired further, pushing for an answer that Emilia couldn't give.
A crush? Emilia couldn't recall if she had ever had one; she had noted the attractive people in their year and above when she was younger, but it had never lasted longer than a brief acknowledgement. How could she have a crush on someone she didn't know? Even when she was younger, such a concept never existed no matter how much she tried to scrounge any recollection of it.
Did Mr. Darcy count?
Emilia doubted it.
"No, not that I can recall."
"Really?" Sirius all but exclaimed.
"Yeah," she said and watched the emotions play out on Sirius' face, so many that changed quickly before she could put a name to it. Mostly shock and disbelief, though why Emilia couldn't tell. She placed her hands beneath her legs, trapping them so she couldn't wring them and show just how nervous she was at putting this revelation out on the table between them. "Why? Is… is that weird?"
A crease dug itself in the space between Sirius' eyebrows at her question. "Why would it be weird?"
Emilia shrugged, feeling stupid for having asked the question in the first place with how Sirius was looking at her, gritting her teeth. "I don't know. I feel like it's just a normal thing that everyone does, and I haven't."
Sirius didn't respond straight away, his face completely blank and she suppressed a wince; she couldn't be doing a better job of making herself look so utterly inept and pathetic as she was right now. She didn't need to make it so blatantly and plainly obvious about just how little experience she had with these sorts of things, with feelings and boys and dating.
A gust of air left Sirius and his leg was back to bouncing, scratching up against her own. "I mean, you can't force yourself to like someone. If you like them, you like them. If you don't, then you don't."
Emilia blinked. She had never thought about it like that. It was true she couldn't force feelings, and what was the point for the sake of ticking of a check list of things teenagers should do? "I guess. There's time, I suppose."
"Exactly," Sirius nodded enthusiastically in agreement. It made her feel better, that she didn't need to have done all that at this age, or that she didn't need to do it straight away. She was only seventeen, after all. "A lot of time. You don't need to like anyone right now, you can do that much later. You have studies and exams and all that stuff."
"I'm pretty sure I'll be able to balance my non-existent love life and schoolwork."
"Yeah, but you're young! You shouldn't be getting stressed over such nonsense," he scoffed. "Plus, you wouldn't be able to focus on me with romance thrown on top so best not to deal with it at all."
Emilia laughed. "Oh, how could I ever? I always make sure you're my top priority."
"Just the way it should be, the balance of life and everything in its natural order," he said in agreement. A sigh built up in his chest as he splayed his hands out on the table. "I guess it's your turn now. Lay it all on me, hit me with your most burning questions."
Emilia pursed her lips. If he was expecting her to be dying of curiosity in this line of question, he would find that she would be poorly lacking in wanting to know more. She knew and had heard far too much when hearing the other girls talk in the dorm, gossiping about things she really did not want to know about Sirius; before, it had never bothered her but now things were different and she really didn't fancy remembering how they would talk about how much of a good kisser Sirius was when he sat right in front of her.
"I'm good," Emilia told him, shaking the thoughts from her head and pointedly looking everywhere but at his mouth. "Believe me, I already know enough to last me a lifetime."
The last sentence had meant to be a murmur under her breath so that he wouldn't pick up on it but Sirius perked up, confused and appearing quite alarmed at what she had said, gripping the edges of the table with a fierceness that the table cloth bunched up beneath his fingers. "About me? How could you know that?"
She met his eyes and they were widened slightly, as if on edge and she only realised how strange it would seem to him over the fact she did know about him. No one liked to know that they were being gossiped about, but what could you do with teenagers? Especially ones that were sorely lacking in little else entertainment.
It felt uncomfortable to tell him that all she had was second hand information belayed through eavesdropping on the not so subtle conversations she couldn't block out in the dorm and she winced at even more memories floating to the surface; Emilia really didn't want all those snippets of giggling over Sirius to be floating to the surface and tried to drown them to be rid of them. She shifted in her chair, chewing on the inside of her cheek and wondering what to say.
"Sirius, I live in the girls' dormitory. There's probably too much that I know about you," was what she decided on but it only pushed Sirius on with an eagerness as he seemed ready to jump over the table to shake the truth from her mouth.
"They talk about me? What have they said? What have you heard?" he asked, each question tumbling out one after the other, each one unfavourable for Emilia to respond to.
"Well – "
They were interrupted again by the presence of Madam Puddifoot as she placed their food and drinks down in front of them without paying any heed to their conversation. "Now, dears. Enjoy, make sure to take your time."
She went with a wink directed at the both of them and was gone away again in an instant to tend to other customers and Emilia was glad for the distraction, instantly going to grab some tea and not caring when it burnt her tongue. It's what it deserved after being so careless.
But Sirius paid no mind to their food as his fingers began to drum on the table with restlessness, clearly unsettled and training his gaze right on her to the point Emilia feared he would bore a hole right through her skull and ruin Madam Puddifoot's wallpaper. "Well?"
What could she say? She really didn't fancy going into too much detail as it would leave steam coming out of her ears, but he was clearly interested, or perhaps worried, enough to know what it was that she knew about him. It wasn't anything bad – in fact, it seemed a lot of the girls praised him for all that he knew and did and it made her flush.
The thing with being friends with Sirius was that she knew far too many intimate details about that other side of him.
"Just…" Emilia hesitate, twisting her delicate teacup back and forth. Sirius scrunched more of the lace in his hand, the cupcake tier drifting along with the pull. "A lot."
"What's a lot?"
She peered up at him through her lashes. "You really want to know?"
"Yes!" Sirius exclaimed, as if this were the most important thing in the world. She couldn't help but think that maybe he was truly bothered about the fact that people were talking about him behind his back, especially when it pertained to such private and personal things.
No, instead Emilia wanted to give him a half truth – she didn't like the fact she had encroached on a private part of Sirius, even if it was unwilling.
"Who you've dated and who you've been with," she said and Sirius' face scrunched up as his hand let go of its tight grip on the cloth, as if he wasn't happy with her answer. Emilia was glad she hadn't gone into full detail lest it might make him more upset. But Sirius didn't say anything, soaking in the information and Emilia's teeth grabbed her bottom lip, gnawing on it to settle the feeling in her stomach that was decidedly not hunger anymore. "Does it make you uncomfortable that they talk about you behind your back about these things?"
Her voice shook him from whatever it was that he was thinking about, her question leaving him befuddled as if he couldn't understand it. "No, I know that people are bound to talk. It's just… having you know about them is different."
Emilia frowned at that; she could guess that he didn't want her to know these things because they had been told to her by people other than him. "Why is it different?"
Something odd flickered across the cracks in his features, as if he was struggling on the right thing to say and what he actually wanted to say. Either way, it left him looking deflated and the glow of the shop couldn't warm up the cold look on his face. Sirius took to picking apart some caramel fudge but didn't seem inclined to eat any of it, tearing it to pieces on his plate and a tense and tight sigh left him, making his demeanour downcast. "I don't want you to think I'm some sordid manwhore who gets around."
His voice was strained leaving him, as if he had forced them through his teeth reluctantly and Emilia felt something soft melt within her. Did he think she would care about any of that, when none of it truly mattered between them? Friends, real friends, didn't care about any of those kinds of things, and Emilia sure as hell didn't because it was all in the past and the past didn't matter. "I don't think that about you at all, Sirius. Not for a moment."
There was only the sound of chatter and cutlery as Sirius stewed in his thoughts, leaving Emilia wondering if she had said something wrong or had upset him for this whole thing to begin with. It wasn't nice finding out about what other people had been saying about you, especially about these kinds of things; she couldn't imagine being the topic of other people's conversations and realised that maybe it was something that he had become used to with being so well known and popular amongst the student body.
There was genuine dismay and distraught sewn into his features, carving out a look of being troubled and, as much as she wanted to ask him if he was alright and what he was thinking about, Emilia held her tongue as she waited for him to speak of his own accord. She still didn't understand why it was different that she knew these things – perhaps it was because they were friends? Surely he talked about these things with the other boys, but then again maybe she was mistaken and not to mention they were friends for only such a short amount of time. Today was the first time she had talked to him about crushes and dating, and yet she had known all that about him long in advance.
Another audible breath left Sirius and he mumbled as he spoke. "I admit I've dated and got with a lot of people and all that, but that – I would like to think I'm more mature now. Well, mostly mature. And I've outgrown all of that."
He cast his gaze up at her through his eyelashes and Emilia felt a soft smile turn the corner of her mouth. "It's not a bad thing to have dated people before."
"I know," Sirius groaned through gritted teeth and leaned his body across the table, agitated about something that Emilia was unaware of. His hands were laced together and gripped tight, his knuckles a pale yellow colour as if he was having difficulty translating his thoughts into words and was trying to sort them out. "I had fun and it was nice, but I just don't want to do that anymore."
"Date people?"
"Mess around. I was never serious about it. I hurt people by doing it," he explained and it was vulnerable, as if he wasn't used to opening up like this, especially to Emilia. But she kept quiet, not wanting to stop the moment and to have him reel his feelings back inside of himself where they would rot away to nothing. "I think I hurt myself by doing it."
"Then… why do it?" Emilia questioned, everything barely above the level of a whisper and oh so gentle, trying to coax out what was troubling Sirius. She liked this, liked the fact he trusted her enough to tell her these things and knew she would keep them locked up away inside of her, that any secret he gave to her would die with her too.
Sirius shrugged and was unable to keep eye contact. "Dunno. Maybe I was an addict to the idea of people loving you."
Everything was spilling out of him, gushing onto the table with the tea and cakes between them and she knew that the faint dusting of pink on his cheeks were no trick of the light. Her hands twitched and she wanted to reach out to hold his but restrained herself; instead, Emilia inched her fingers across the table where they ever so delicately brushed against the space above his wrist, catching his attention but he did not move away from the touch.
"Of course people love you Sirius. I – " she breathed, catching herself before she slipped and fell entirely. She kept the pads of her fingers pressed to wrist where he watched them with keen interest. "All your friends do. And we care about you too."
The air from her lungs was stolen entirely when one of his hands covered hers softly and for a brief moment she thought he meant to remove her entirely but then he dragged her hand down to his free palm where he held it, the skin warm and almost burning against hers. It was so entirely intimate, so otherly that feared he would be able to feel her maddening pulse. "Besides, I just don't do that anymore."
"How come?"
Sirius' thumb brushed over her knuckles, lost in a world of his own that she had no permission to enter into. "No particular reason."
Emilia would not pry. "That's fair enough."
"That's not to say I've sworn of dating forever."
His grip on her tightened ever so slightly, as if he had a point to make before it lessened, dripping away until he was cradling her hand with a barely there touch, ghosting over one another and she watched the moment in fascination. On the outside, they appeared the same as every other couple in the shop and such a realisation made her twitch, gently taking her hand back to take a sip of her tea, the cup curved around her lips as she teased him. "So you're not going to be a 50 year old bachelor who marries women half his age?"
Sirius' hands remained in the same position as they had when holding hers, as if her own were still there. Once she did not relinquish her hands back to him, he slipped them off the table.
"Unfortunately, I'll have to break family tradition," Sirius tutted.
An amused huff of air was kneaded from her lungs. "Well, it's just as you said to me, you have plenty of time. And schoolwork."
Deep inside of Emilia, she wished that it would be a very long time before Sirius thought of anything regarding dating. A promise worked both ways – if she was to keep him top priority, she hoped that she could at least remain in the top ten, if not top five.
"Oh please, I'd welcome any distraction regarding that."
"Not that it works. You're so smart I feel like you'd pass an exam even if you fell asleep during it."
"My, Emilia, was that an actual compliment?" Sirius said through a sly grin and Emilia scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"You act as if I only ever bully you."
"It feels like it," he shrugged. "Sometimes I would like to be told I'm handsome every now and again."
Emilia ducked her head to hide her smile. "You already know you're handsome, you don't need for me to say it."
The table jolted, her tea nearly spilling entirely until she managed to catch it, the sharp clinking of the plates garnering a few looks as Sirius sat upright, appearing as though someone had shoved a rod of metal up his spine. "You think I'm handsome?"
God, she would never hear the end of this now that she had let it slip. Emilia pretended as if she had only made a comment on the weather and tried to make herself preoccupied with setting the table right again after his sudden movement had sent some things scurrying away on them. "Don't make me take it back."
But his grin only grew more, toothy and more like the ones she had always seen on him, the ones she loved so much. Suddenly, it didn't seem so embarrassing having told him that she thought him to be handsome with the reaction she was getting from revealing such a piece of information to him. "So you do think I'm handsome! Now I'm so intrigued. I wonder what else you think about me."
"I try not to most of the time," she said, but it felt like a lie. Unbeknownst to him, and sometimes to her, she spent quite a lot of time thinking about him, even when she was around him. It felt as if there was a small pocket in her brain that was solely reserved for him, and there was another part in her heart where such feelings were moving in to.
Sirius sighed. "Scorned again, I should be used to it by now."
Emilia chewed on the inside of her cheek, a feeling pushing its way up her throat as her mouth opened without her consent.
"You're funny too," Emilia began, as if a thread within her had been pulled free and she couldn't stop talking now. "And you're good at Quidditch."
Sirius' chest puffed up. "Glad to see my talents are finally being recognized by you."
"And you're great at magic, and potions. You would probably be even better if you actually paid attention in class instead of annoying me."
Sirius clicked his tongue and beneath the table his foot gave her ankle a nudge. "But you're much more interesting than whatever it is Slughorn spends his time rattling on about."
"And you're a good friend. I think I like that best about you."
Her words lilted off into a nothingness that stretched on between them and her throat closed up, unable to say anything more and she couldn't bear to look at him because she was afraid of what else might end up spilling out of her should she meet his eyes.
That unbearable feeling in the bottom of her heart reared its head again, scratching and clawing its way to freedom but she refused it its desire as her mouth became inexplicably dry, ignoring the odd shake of her hand as she took a sip of the tea that had been almost forgotten by her.
"You know what I like best about you?" Sirius said suddenly after a period of gazing at her.
"Well, this will be easy to narrow down since there's not much," Emilia snorted before wincing at her self deprecation. It was a kneejerk reaction but she cursed herself for it, nonetheless.
"I guess I'll just have to like you enough for the both of us then."
Emilia floundered, catching a choking sound that was crawling up from the bottom of her chest. "I'm not trying to fish reasons why you like me as a friend, Sirius. I'm not expecting you to write a six page essay on why I'm the best person on the planet."
"Really? Because I could write eight."
"Only eight?" she teased.
"That's because my hand would cramp up for trying to fit everything in all at once," he grinned, far too self pleased with himself.
"Lick arse."
But there was no stopping Sirius, it seemed he was set on subjecting Emilia to it all. "I would start off by writing about how smart you are, how you're much funnier than you think you are, that you have the patience of a saint, maybe explain how you're too kind for your own good and that – "
Emilia cut him off, a nervous and uneven sound that might have been a laugh leaving her as she tried to push down the wave of heat that was flooding her entire body. "Okay, okay, I didn't ask for your manifesto! You can stop now."
And he did, lapsing into silence and sitting rigid in his chair. But his eyes – his eyes were soft, quick as they darted around her face while taking in her reaction. She desperately wanted to know what it was that was running through his mind at that moment, to have a look into his thoughts because there was so much about him that he kept hidden beneath the surface and it was always a case that she could just about see past it all but never enough to ever really and truly know.
"And that you're beautiful," he stated gently and Emilia nearly coughed on her heart from how it leapt in her chest at his words, leaving her confounded and flabbergasted, mouth parted with a sharp gust of air cutting through any intelligible thoughts and remarks she might have made until she was left staring at him with a dumbness. Of all the things he could have said, might have said to surprise her, this was never one of them. "You are. I know you don't believe me. But you are."
What could she ever say to that? No one had ever called her that, no one had ever said that and she had never expected anyone to. She dreamed of it, of course she did, but it always seemed some intangible thing that was made sorely for her dreams.
And yet, here Sirius Black was – sitting across from her calling her it.
That little pocket in her heart filled with unnamed feelings grew, bursting at the seams as she tried to get it all under control but it was leaking everywhere, to her mind, to her stomach that flipped, filling her with a warmth she had never known before and unable to cope with because it was all so new.
Her tongue felt too heavy too carry what it was that she wanted to say exactly, that perhaps such feelings weren't meant to be conveyed through any manner of speech. Emilia faltered back into the only state that she knew how to respond. "That doesn't feel like eight pages."
He laughed, gentle and carefree. "No pleasing with you."
But Emilia was very pleased – pleased with the food, with their setting, pleased with being in from the cold and when he waved Madam Puddifoot and asked for some lemon cake, pleased when she no longer worried about what Peter said earlier. She was pleased when she left her hand on top of the table and Sirius' inched its way over until their finger tips brushed against one another, but not yet taking that leap but simply relishing in the moment of almost.
Oh, there was a lot to be pleased about, and it all centred around one person in particular.
hello, hello! Before I get into me A/N, I would like to answer a few of your reviews!
Krakengirl: thank u so much for the review! as for peter... well, we'll just have to wait and see won't we!
Momochan77: thank u! so glad u enjoyed! i just love writing emilia opening up slowly but surely and i finally managed to crack that open with this chapter and now it's just going to spill out in the coming chapters (seriously what i have planned i cant wait to write!) lily will be making an appearance very soon i can promise that and i cant wait to write her bc she is literally The Best! thanks so much for the love and support!
megancl99: thank u! i missed writing too, this damned thesis i have is getting in the way of my writing and i cant wait to just submit it this week and have it over and done with lol and believe me the only ship in this story will be team Sirius x Emilia!
GreenerGrass: oh wow thank u so much! as for how many chapters this story will be, i honestly don't know. i had in mind 50 but the rate im going at im like "oh what's definitely not going to happen". honestly if i get under 100 chapters i'll be v surprised! but for me it's not about quantity at all. i'm trying to speed things up a bit but the next few chapters might be a bit slow but unfortunately they're necessary for future plotlines. i really do not want to drag this story out for longer than necessary so it really is just a manner of how happy i am with the pacing - not too slow, but not too fast either. thank u so much for the love!
Kaiya's Watergarden: thank u so much!
The Booknerds: no love triangles here! there'll be absolutely none; even when a character things there's a love triangle, there'll be absolutely NONE! I cannot stand love triangles, so you'll see none of that actually happening here. miscommunication and being wrongly led astray by another character into thinking there is a love triangle, maybe, but there actually being one? not at all!
haleygur7: thank u! believe me, there's been a lot of mistakes and getting drunk happening, but c'est la vie
LoveFiction2022: peter really is a rat in nature and quite literally lol sorry peter stans he will not be getting much love in this story
Guest: ahhh thank u so much! it means so much to me to hear you love and enjoy this story a lot! we're definitely going to be getting more Sirius POV in the future don't u worry!
Sarki: thank you! as for peter he's not going to be portrayed well in this story, sorry guys. i dislike him and will always dislike him, but i also love just utilising him as a tool for conflict and messy drama
LetsTakeAWalkOnTheWildside: oh wow thank you so much! i cant fathom into words how much it means to me to hear such love and support! when i started writing emilia i didn't really know where i was going with her; i wanted character development so i didn't really try to make her all that likeable for readers and other characters but it means so much to me to hear people love her! writing her coming out of her shell is new territory for both her and i alike because it's all so new and im not sure how she would react and neither does she! but that's the beauty of growth: learning. seriously, thank you so so much it means the world to me to hear how much you love this story!
OryxGreen: thank you! i waited to update on here because i wanted to reply to all the lovely comments and reviews and i was so tired i wasn't able to last night lol i just loved writing the "date" because it's such new territory for the both of them as well as me and it's definitely a shift in their friendship and in their relationship how they've opened up to one another at their own pace and realising they can trust each other. as for the feelings part: sirius is definitely aware of there being feelings but he's also like unaware of the depth of them? he's not going out of his way to say he likes her, but he also recognises that those feelings are there just not sure of the extent to which they exist. emilia on the other hand has never felt these feelings before so she doesn't know what they are and she values sirius and their friendship so much she really doesn't want to jeopardise it so she'll go to any lengths to preserve the friendship that they have.
(once again, very unedited and not proofread, pls be kind if u see any typos or mistakes )
hey besties it's me again! uni do be kicking my butt but i had my official last day on friday! i gave my thesis presentation and now i have to actually finish the thesis due by the end of this week so i did some writing to unwind bc i do not want to be thinking abt that monstrosity until i absolutely need to lol i also have another thesis and other research papers and an exam to do but listen i work best under pressure and its never failed me before. because of that, i cant promise when the next update will be but hey, at least it wasn't two months this time!
song of choice while writing: paper rings by taylor swift
Thanks for reading!