Something Worth Blackmailing Chapter 4: Seesaw, a code geass fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. The only profit I make from this fanfiction is the joy of writing and sharing my headcanons.

Thank you to everyone who commented, left kudos, started following my Tumblr, etc. :D

Thanks to my lovely beta-reader, TheGeminiSage, for looking over this whale of a tale. She is love. Go read her Undertale comic, Refuse. :D

Please enjoy the slow burn romance and let me know your thoughts. x3

Chapter 4: Seesaw

Lelouch settled into place with hearty confidence and got the game rolling. Enough was enough, and it was high time he propelled his plans forward. Suzaku was slow, or Lelouch was impatient. Maybe it was a little of both; Lelouch could admit that, but only to himself.

"Are you going to ignore me all night?" Suzaku groaned, rocking impatiently on Lelouch's bed and adding wrinkles to otherwise pressed sheets.

Arranging his chessboard on the table, Lelouch glanced at Suzaku and felt a wave of approval at the whole image. In case he was searching for more proof, he'd found some: Suzaku looked like he belonged in that bed. Clearing his throat, Lelouch slid to the edge of of his chair, took a silent breath, and hoped for the magic of reverse psychology. "You don't need me to entertain you."

Suzaku snorted and hugged a pillow to his chest. "Nunnally's gone," he said, squeezing the pillow tighter. "Sayoko's gone. They won't be home from the hospital and their 'girls night out' for hours." It had already been a long day for everybody, full of exams and insensitive gossip. Suzaku was ornery. "You're the only one here, and your bedroom is boring."

Affronted and stupidly jealous of the pillow, Lelouch interjected, "Pristine!"

With a deadpan stare, Suzaku reiterated slowly, "Yeah, like I said. Boring." He sighed loudly in annoyance and fell dramatically onto his back, kicking his feet in the air. The mattress bounced under him.

Lelouch's breath caught in his throat as the approval skyrocketed. "I like things neat and organized," he defended himself airily. It kept him centered.

"Yeah, and there's nothing interesting in here," Suzaku shot back, rolling around on the bed out of clear boredom.

Frowning, Lelouch felt a bit too warm in the stuffy room. "That's not true!" There was his Zero costume hiding in a secret panel, for one. But more importantly, in the hopes of redirecting Suzaku to the goal, he said, "There's me."

Suzaku snickered again, longer that time. He stilled and stared at Lelouch. "Maybe," he finally allowed as a twinkle in his eye replaced the edge of frustration. "But not if you keep ignoring me."

"I beg to differ," Lelouch huffed indignantly, angling his chessboard so it better aligned with the table. "I am fascinating due to my sheer existence."

Expression softening, Suzaku waited quietly for an extra beat before giving in. "Yeah, okay, you win."

Preening, Lelouch sat up straighter in his chair. He could almost ignore the sickening scent of pizza permeating his room despite the multitude of fragrant air freshener sprays he'd earlier exhausted. "I always win," he said smugly, anticipating tonight's victory.

Suzaku choked back another laugh. "Well, aren't you cocky today?"

Encouraged by the wording, Lelouch flirted back as much as he dared at this stage. "What do you mean, 'today'?"

Suzaku's smile stretched as long and full as Britannian territory on the world map. "You're right," he agreed easily. "What was I thinking?"

"You clearly weren't," Lelouch joked back, jerking slightly into the table due to the magnetic pull of Suzaku's smile. Chess pieces wobbled but didn't fall. Lelouch hissed and hurriedly steadied his stage, inwardly admonishing himself for getting distracted. Back on task, he reached across the board and searched for the right pawn to start the game. With a cunning smirk, he peeked quickly at Suzaku before closing his fingers around the selected chess piece.

Curling himself around Lelouch's pillow, Suzaku watched intently and said with pure innocence, "I like it when we talk." He shifted restlessly on the bed, the notes of nostalgia and longing woven into his voice.

Lelouch prematurely congratulated himself since Suzaku had loosened up and changed topics to serious turf all on his own. "Me too," he said lightly. Biting back a grin, Lelouch further observed Suzaku's fidgeting out the corner of his eye. He seems nervous to be around me, maybe excited. Lelouch's smirk slipped a tad in self-reproach. I can't believe it took me so long to notice how much he likes me!

"And I actually do like your room," Suzaku amended with a small smile. "It's very you."

Heart pounding, Lelouch wondered if he'd already met his objective. Are you hinting in a roundabout way that you actually like me, Suzaku? Maybe tonight would be easier than he'd planned after all. That would be a welcome change of pace. "Thanks. You're always welcome to visit," he said breezily, a teasing smile curling his lips as he made his next move. "You add to my personal décor anyway."

"Thank goodness," Suzaku gasped with mock-relief. "I wouldn't want to clash!"

Swallowing, Lelouch edged a bit deeper. "You and I would never clash, Suzaku."

Too quick to process, Suzaku's facial expressions flew through a range of emotions. "Not us," he whispered, the weight of sadness marring his apparent agreement. He rolled over to face the wall, and his shoulders hunched.

Lelouch gave him a moment, respecting their mutual needs to sort their thoughts. Things were moving, but Lelouch wasn't sure if they were going forward or backward. What was Suzaku thinking?

Eventually, Suzaku rolled over again with a shaky and pleading grin, still holding the pillow tight.

Then Lelouch understood: They were moving on. Pretending like the odd reaction had never happened for Suzaku's sake, Lelouch pulled back to the level of his last success and playfully threatened, "Good, you're okay. I was hoping I wouldn't have to throw away your share of tonight's dinner."

"You wouldn't!" Suzaku protested, reacting in record time. He leapt off the bed, landing with a thump on Lelouch's hardwood floors.

Lelouch scowled as the chess pieces rattled on the board and the pillow dropped to mess up his room. "Suzaku," he scolded lightly, peering at his methodically assembled books in the corner to regain his bearings. Alphabetical order. Natural progression. Lelouch worked within his system. "I would if you destroyed my game!"

"I wouldn't," Suzaku said, his voice sounding heavy again, as if he'd remembered something distressing.

Eyebrows drawing together in confusion, Lelouch gently probed out of genuine concern, "Something wrong?" Eyes glued to Suzaku, he blindly moved a white pawn two spaces forward. Is he ready to confess to me, or is something troubling him? Hazarding a guess, he advised, "If it's the military, just quit already."

"No, it's not that," Suzaku refuted, voice strained. He took a deep breath and looked away. He picked up the pillow. Hugged it again. Crushed it. "And I won't quit the military, Lelouch. I have things I need to do there."

He said 'won't,' not 'can't,' Lelouch fumed to himself silently, berating himself for bringing up a known subject that would jam a wrench in his plans. His fingers itched to crush something, too. He'll do anything for me—except give up his allegiance to Britannia. Dissatisfaction curled his lip into a frown at Suzaku's decision, and frustration pricked his nerves. All the happy feelings produced by the prior comfortable teasing drifted away like leaves in a storm. Why can't he just ditch the Army and be done with it?! If not for himself, then for me? Eyes narrowing, he pressed, "Then what's on your mind?"

The black queen was slammed onto a different square, jangling the other pieces on the board.

Suzaku shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and then he sank back onto the bed. "I was just wondering," he said before clamping his mouth shut. The hum of the air conditioner kicked on in the background, noticeable at first but blending naturally into the air with time.

Lelouch turned to fix Suzaku with his gaze. Is it time? Is he wondering how to ask me…? "Go on. I'm listening, Suzaku." Without looking at his game, he moved one of his white knights onto the playing field.

Suzaku shrugged helplessly. "Er, well, when you said game, sometimes guys mean..." He swallowed thickly, turning slightly away. "Anyway, uh, the other day…Shirley, she…um, how do you feel about her, anyway, Lelouch?" He looked at the floor, his body visibly tense as he waited for the answer. He fiddled with the edge of the pillowcase.

"Shirley?" Lelouch repeated incredulously. Shirley? A black bishop joined the white knight on the board. "She's a good friend. Why?"

Suzaku shrugged again, looking a little too much like he didn't care—which meant he did care. "What I mean is, do you think she's pretty?"

"Yes," Lelouch answered honestly, aiming to jar a reaction out of his crush. I bet you were begging me to say 'no,' weren't you, Suzaku? He continued to stare at his friend, keeping his expression neutral. Forcing naivety into his voice, he wondered aloud, "Suzaku, where are you going with this?" He had to work very hard to keep from smirking again, reading Suzaku's face like an open book now that he knew what to look for. The power and control he wielded added an extra thrill to his mission. Suzaku, you're so easy to string along. Not like I'd do that—for long, anyway.

Suzaku gaped at him. "She thinks you're pretty, too!" he blurted without thinking.

Lelouch cocked his head. "Does she?" he asked in his fake-interested tone. He flicked his eyes back and forth between chess and Suzaku. What a fun game I'm playing. His fingers hovered over the chessboard, but he didn't yet make his move. Natural progression. Dangling the bait, he asked, "And what do you think? Does Shirley have good taste?" You'll be honest, Suzaku, if I have to drag the truth out of you!

Green eyes widened. Taken aback by the turnaround, Suzaku lowered his head and whispered, "…yes."

"Good," Lelouch said, knowing he took Suzaku by surprise. I'm glad you took that first step, Suzaku. Now finish the job and admit you like me yourself! With growing smugness, Lelouch watched as the white knight took the black bishop, making it the first capture of the game. The stakes were up. "Now that you're being honest, tell me what you're really asking."

A blush graced Suzaku's cheeks. "Do you like her?"

"I do."

Suzaku squirmed. "You should tell her," he counseled, his tone carefully neutral.

"Why?" Lelouch questioned in an annoyed voice. What is he saying?! He's supposed to claim me for himself! Why is he sacrificing his happiness for Shirley's? Lelouch felt his heart drop. The beginnings of unease cramped in his stomach. Suzaku's actions should not be unstable variables. The only obstacle to take care of should be the whole Zero debacle. A black knight slid towards the center of the board, blocking the opposing knight's access to its king.

Suzaku shrugged listlessly. "So you can move things to the next stage."

Lelouch frowned. "What next stage?" Concentrating, he moved his white knight piece again. Not only did that increase the chances of circumventing the enemy, but that way he wouldn't have too many of his pieces on the main board at one time. It was better now to play it safe. I can't afford to mess up.

"Dating, of course!" Suzaku exclaimed, obviously fed up with Lelouch's clueless attitude. He smoothed a hand down the rumpled sheets. "Unless you're not ready for a girlfriend yet…" Instead of fixing anything, the wrinkles got worse. "But you know, you are seventeen now, and you like her so it'd be totally normal if you went for it…"

Lelouch chuckled, causing Suzaku's mouth to open in surprise. "I like Shirley," he repeated in a careless tone, "but not as girlfriend material." He lightly tapped the captured black bishop in the discarded pile of pieces, his eyes trained on the second black knight moving into position. I won't let anything, be it Shirley or the Black Knights, come between us.

"Oh."

Rolling his eyes good-naturedly, Lelouch looked up from his game, leaned a bit closer to his best friend, and said in a low voice, "To be perfectly honest, Suzaku, girls don't capture my fancy." Waiting to let that sink in, eyeing Suzaku's cautiously hopeful expression, he continued, "Boys don't capture my fancy either…generally speaking." His gaze bore into green irises for an intense moment before Lelouch gracefully turned back to his chessboard.

Breath catching in his throat, Suzaku gasped, "I see." His mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he was searching for words or courage.

Taking pity on his friend after a long stretch of silence, Lelouch nudged him along another step. He again moved his white knight piece closer to his target on the board. "Forget about me. Are you interested in anyone?"

Suzaku clutched the edge of the bed and looked to the ceiling. "Maybe," he said noncommittally, his voice thick with ambivalence.

"Does this person have a name?" Lelouch asked dryly, prompting again. He stared at the black king, gauging the diminishing distance between it and the white knight.

Suzaku gave the slightest of nods. "Yeah."

Trying to hold back his impatience, now at roaring levels because he was so close, Lelouch urged, "And...?" He pointedly tapped the board near the black king.

Silence stretched into a blanket atop all the wrinkles between them. Then, staring long and hard at Lelouch's favorite pastime, Suzaku for some reason decided to let the topic die and observed skeptically, "You're playing yourself?"

"I am my best opponent," Lelouch said with the arrogance of a Britannian royal, tamping down his internal frustration. What is the matter now?! I left you the perfect opening, Suzaku. Natural progression. Lelouch had a system. Only, dammit, like he was always trying to drill into Suzaku's brain, sometimes the system failed. How obvious do I need to hint that I want you as much as you want me?! He moved the black king diagonally to the left, deliberately putting it in danger of capture by the persistent white knight. When the system crumbled, extreme measures became necessary.

Though Suzaku was not the best at strategy, he'd known Lelouch long enough to understand the basics of this particular game. "That's against the rules," he said, though Lelouch didn't know why he bothered. Lelouch, especially as a prodigy chess master trained in Britannian warfare, knew the rules much better than Suzaku, after all. "You're not allowed to put yourself in check."

Lelouch simply stared at Suzaku. "What if I trust the white knight piece?"

"To do what?" Suzaku asked, noticeably confused. Lelouch would bet all his gambling winnings that Suzaku was thinking: Wasn't the goal to seize the enemy king?

Lelouch let loose a sigh and abandoned his game. "You tell me, Suzaku. Your move."

It wasn't until hours later that Suzaku realized—Lelouch hadn't been talking about chess at all.

Suzaku fell asleep that night smiling, still reeling from the implications of Lelouch's latest challenge. His own bed felt softer than it ever had, yet he missed Lelouch's. The shadows of the night had a friendly feel, and his dinky military-issued dormitory seemed as suddenly spacious as the relief in his heart. Shirley was no longer considered a romantic rival since Lelouch had clearly dismissed her as 'girlfriend material.' But do you think of me as 'boyfriend material,' Lelouch? Suzaku wondered. He sighed dreamily and rolled over, inhaling deeply and bemoaning the fact that his pillow smelled like standard detergent instead of like Lelouch. That is what you were hinting at, right? Or am I looking too close and seeing only what I want to see? Still, he'd taken steps, and it seemed like his condition was met to the point that he could express his true feelings. Sighing happily again, Suzaku started planning out his perfect romantic confession. He slipped into dreamland before he could finish.

Everything seemed peaceful and serene, but for the slight niggling in the back of his brain. The white covering horizon to horizon spoke of purity, but the colorless glare made his eyes hurt. He squeezed his eyes shut, pictured Lelouch in his mind, and felt something just click inside him. There was empty space all around, no landmarks, no nothing—but even in the literal middle of nowhere, he felt the axis of his world shift into its predestined disposition. A throbbing hum reverberated in the air, and he was reminded of the Lancelot during launch. It was that right feeling that told him he was where he was supposed to be, that he was doing what he was supposed to do.

Suzaku's eyes opened, a strong clarity reflected in them. He didn't have to hide anymore. He loved Lelouch. His feelings weren't some passing fancy, and Lelouch would accept him no matter what. Hadn't he already done so?

He was no longer alone, and he flailed in that empty space. As if to punish him for feeling happy, his sins manifested out of thin air into corporeal form before him.

"Suzaku."

He shrank back, clasping his hands over his ears. Worse than the jeering taunts of nameless, faceless people in the background, this one voice had the power to undo him. Or rather, it was the one voice other than Lelouch's that had such control over him. It graced his nightmares on a regular basis, always ending in a dying scream.

"Suzaku."

His hands did nothing to filter the voice. It pierced straight through him, down to the murkiest depths of his soul. Or maybe…it was crying out from his soul, flowing out of him to the white expanse of freedom.

"Suzaku."

His name, over and over again, judged and sinful. He looked up, faced his gravest sin right in the eye, and returned a greeting. "Father."

Kururugi Genbu was there in a business suit, a blade still protruding from his fatal wound. Blood dripped off him, highlighting the white atmosphere with a splash of vivid red. "Suzaku," he said again, condemning and unforgiving.

"I'm sorry!" Suzaku wailed, shutting his eyes again. Upon opening them, he saw Lelouch had joined them in this white space. Sobbing, Suzaku stretched out a hand for Lelouch, needing the comfort of the one he loved.

Genbu floated forward, yanking the blade out of himself and plunging it into Lelouch before Suzaku could reach him. "Suzaku," he said again, the name echoing in the still silence.

Suzaku's hands shook, tears pouring from his eyes, his face twisting in horror.

Lelouch looked at him sadly, blood spurting from his abdomen. "Suzaku," he murmured in that deep voice, "why didn't you make your move sooner?"

Suzaku woke up gasping for air, a hand pressed tightly to his chest. Tears still wet his eyelashes, and his heart raced like a careening motorcycle. Disoriented as he was, it took him a few moments to realize that it was just a dream, that Lelouch was most likely safe in his own bedroom. And his father…

…well, his father was still dead. Suzaku had made sure of that seven years ago.

He didn't make it two steps from the bed before he retched. Wiping snot and vomit from his face, he shakily turned on the light and started to clean his mess. He couldn't shake off the feeling of foreboding that came from his dream—from all his dreams—but somehow, when he thought of Lelouch, none of it seemed to matter.

Then, as he wiped his regurgitated fears off his floor, Suzaku had the most startling realization of his waking life: He loved Lelouch. No, he'd almost always loved him…but now he was in love with him. He'd subconsciously known it all along, but it had never fully clicked until the l-word came up in his dream. He knew he was attracted to Lelouch, and he knew he loved him…but to put those together and make it romantic—to not just casually date but to truly and fully devote himself to Lelouch as a partner—the idea had never crossed his mind.

Until now.

What would Lelouch say?

Suzaku froze, his hand shaking in a pool of bile. He remembered Lelouch's all-too-familiar knowing smirk, his suggestive wording, his discreet glances and probing eyes…

…the damned bastard has it all figured out already!

Beams of early afternoon sunlight slanted through Lelouch's upper story bedroom window, leaving strips of light and shadow across his chessboard, floor, and bed. A stray speck of dust drifted lazily in the air, gleaming peacefully in the soft sunlight. It was still and quiet, every bit the refuge Lelouch needed to unwind from his strenuous new responsibilities as an emerging masked rebellion leader.

The door slammed open, and Lelouch shoved his best friend into the room ahead of him. He pushed Suzaku all the way to his bed, a strong sense of purpose radiating from his shaking form. "Take your shirt off," he ordered, tongue sharp, in the voice of a man who was used to being obeyed. When Suzaku hesitated, Lelouch narrowed his eyes and practically leapt at his friend, gently pinning him to the bed by his shoulders. "When I tell you to do something," he started to growl.

"Yeah, I get it," Suzaku said. "When you tell me to do something, I do it, right?" A flicker of defiance flashed in his emerald eyes.

Lelouch's expression softened somewhat. "No," he corrected, backing off a bit but still holding Suzaku to the mattress. "I was going to say, 'I tell you for your own good.' Look, I'm just worried, so let me help you already!"

Suzaku turned his head, burying it in the bulge of Lelouch's pillow. Inhaling deeply, he shivered. When he looked back at Lelouch, Suzaku seemed a bit more relaxed and compliant, but his eyes were hazy and distant. "I don't want you to worry," he murmured, voice low enough that Lelouch had to lean in close just to hear. "That's why I didn't tell you to begin with."

"Suzaku," Lelouch moaned in exasperation. Is he disoriented because of the pain or because he's overwhelmed being so close to me? Shaking his head, he glared again and demanded, "Well, let's see the damage. Strip." He moved away from Suzaku slowly, letting him sit up.

Lelouch watched as Suzaku took a fortifying breath, closed his eyes, and gingerly peeled his sweaty, bloodstained shirt from his chest. He moved slowly, carefully, as if in great pain, being cautious so as to not open his wound further. He was forced to rip the fabric of his gym uniform out of drying, clotting blood.

Lelouch scanned the injury, and he shook his head sadly. "You're too reckless," he reprimanded, though he wasn't sure if he was referring to how Suzaku got hurt in the first place or to how Suzaku upset his wound by playing too roughly in gym class. "I'll stitch it up again," he promised, pulling a first aid box from under his bed.

Suzaku just lay down on his uninjured side and exposed the gaping hole in his flesh to his surrogate doctor. "Thanks," he said hoarsely.

"Stop thanking me," Lelouch bit out harshly. I hope he doesn't ask me why I had a first aid kit under my bed. That would be hard to explain without spilling my secret. Suzaku really shouldn't be here; too much could go wrong. Retreating, he returned with an armful of towels and a bowl of water. Dipping a washcloth into the water, he tenderly wiped at the blood oozing out from between broken stitches. Heaving a sigh, he set to work fixing it all, scrutinizing Suzaku's body with a keen eye. Minutes passed as Lelouch meticulously worked on his best friend, and he finally asked, "What happened?"

Suzaku shrugged one shoulder. "A…piece of machinery…fell on me! At work," he finished quickly, as if trying to cover up his earlier hesitation. "I, uh, wasn't fast enough to dodge it." He shrugged again, burying his face back into Lelouch's pillow. He breathed deeply and fidgeted, lying motionless only when Lelouch's fingers brushed against a sensitive spot.

Lelouch narrowed his eyes, not buying it, but didn't press Suzaku. "And who took care of you afterwards?"

Suzaku sighed at the question. "We had military doctors on-site," he explained.

"In the Engineering labs?" Lelouch asked, raising an eyebrow.

Suzaku winced. He mumbled into Lelouch's pillow, "I was by the Lake Kawaguchi hotel when the whole Zero thing happened. I was touching up some of the Knightmares for the Army…"

Lelouch's hands stilled in their work, and he huffed, "Idiot."

Breathing a sigh, Suzaku relaxed under Lelouch's skilled hands. "When did you learn to stitch wounds?"

Lelouch worked for another minute before bothering to answer. "I learned during the war. I watched doctors do it, and it looked easy. However, this is the first time I'm putting it into practice."

Snorting, Suzaku rolled his shoulder blades, stretching his muscles. "Glad I could be your first."

Lelouch almost blushed at Suzaku's words. Through sheer force of will, he kept his voice level as he said, "That makes two of us."

Staring back at Lelouch confusedly, Suzaku raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"

Lelouch shook his head fondly. "Forget it, idiot. I'm all done." To accentuate his declaration, he trailed his fingertips across sutured, tanned skin, making sure the wound didn't open at the action. Deeming his doctoring satisfactory, he continued rubbing his friend's side, too transfixed by the movement to stop.

Suzaku's breathing was halfway schooled and barely steady, but he lay there silently.

Lelouch's slender fingers slowed, then drifted to a mess of scar tissue adjacent to Suzaku's most recent injury. Lightly pressing the pads of his fingers against it, he leaned closer, his breath fanning over the old wound. "Why," he whispered, "do you always have to get yourself hurt?"

Suzaku kicked his legs uncomfortably, but didn't move his upper body.

"This is where you were shot—to save me." Suddenly, red-hot anger swelled within Lelouch's chest, and he jerked his hand from Suzaku's body, as if it was the source of fire licking his veins. "You…time after time…are hurt and abused by the goddamn Britannian military…and time after time…you go back to them! Why won't you just quit?!"

Suzaku shrugged helplessly and slid to his feet, stretching his side as if to test the stitches. But of course they held; Lelouch was never one to do less than perfectly. "Can't," Suzaku said, voice flippant.

Lelouch was beyond angry at him now. "Why not?" he asked, eyes flashing.

Suzaku glared and held his ground. "Because." He was trembling from being on the receiving end of rage.

"'Because' isn't an answer," Lelouch snarled. "Surely you realize—I mean, Suzaku, you're an idiot, but you're not really that stupid." You're truly an enigma, even though I find you annoyingly predictable most times. He flung his arm to the side, palm up and fingers flexing.

Suzaku flinched. "Look, I know I'm not as smart as you, Lelouch. I never claimed to be, so don't—"

"This isn't about comparing us," Lelouch shot back. "It's about you using common sense for once in your life!"

Suzaku slowly shook his head. "I have a plan. I have my own way of doing things. To change the world, I need to be—"

"You don't need to be," Lelouch interrupted again. "There's an alternative."

Suzaku glared harder. "You mean Zero?" At Lelouch's nod, Suzaku shook his head. "I cannot follow that man."

Lelouch recoiled. "Why not?" he said again, voice bitter.

Suzaku sighed and took a step closer; Lelouch automatically backed up against the wall, making the mattress bounce where he sat. Suzaku reached for his friend, but Lelouch shrugged him off, still waiting for an answer.

"Zero's methods aren't morally right," Suzaku explained brusquely. "It would go against my own honor to follow him." He was a Britannian soldier through and through.

"He saved you," Lelouch threw back, though the fire in his words had died. "I have to be grateful to him for that."

Suzaku took a step closer, and this time Lelouch stayed put. "It's not that I'm ungrateful," Suzaku went on. "If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here with you right now. I know that. It's just that…to follow him long-term…I couldn't live with myself."

"You owe Zero your life." You owe me everything.

"No," Suzaku countered. "I don't owe Zero anything. I didn't ask him to save me, even though I'm glad he did. And besides, none of this would have happened in the first place if it weren't for him. If he hadn't killed Prince Clovis, I would never have been framed. It was initially his fault, and it was his responsibility to me to correct it."

Lelouch's mouth stretched into a thin line. "He did," he said curtly.

"Well, yes," Suzaku admitted freely. "He did." His gaze turned worried as he looked over Lelouch, and he dropped a hand on Lelouch's shoulder. "You okay?"

Lelouch's head snapped up, beads of sweat dotting his brow. "I'm fine!" he snapped. "I just wish you'd quit. You won't join Zero, the man who saved your life, but you'll stay with the Britannian military, the ones who abused you and planned to kill you…why?"

Suzaku's jaw set determinedly. "Because I can change the Empire from the inside out."

"That won't work," Lelouch said immediately. "The Britannians will never look at you and see a person."

"You do," Suzaku answered glibly. "Princess Euphemia does."

Lelouch's eyes widened slightly at the mention of the Third Princess, but he plowed on regardless. "You'll get nowhere."

Suzaku shook his head again. "I'll get nowhere by following Zero."

"Who saved the hostages from the hotel jacking?" Lelouch challenged. "Was it your precious Britannian Army? No, it was Zero! How can you say that following him…?" Cutting himself off, cursing himself inside for getting too heated, he turned his head and stared morosely at the wall.

Suzaku's expression hardened. "I'll be the first to admit that Zero saved everyone two nights ago, but I get the feeling he has his own secret agenda. I don't think he did it out of pure goodwill; a murderer like him has a black heart, and that's something I can't trust…or live with."

Lelouch growled, inwardly wincing. "So you think you can use your own flawed interpretations to your advantage? You can't go around making your own judgments and following them as fact; you have no idea how to put together a logical argument."

With a dry chuckle, Suzaku said, "I don't need to know logic when I have you."

"Then listen to me!" Lelouch ordered, almost begged. "I care about you, Suzaku. What if you get hurt again—or worse?" Haven't I already proven that I can't live without you anymore?

Silently, his brow smoothing out, Suzaku climbed onto the mattress and wrapped his friend in a hug. "I promise you," he mumbled into Lelouch's neck, "that it's not dangerous. I'm just a mechanic in the Engineering Corp, and I'm not sent out on the front lines like before. Can't you trust in me to look after myself?"

With angry tears pricking his eyes, Lelouch returned the hug hesitantly and said with disbelief, "You? Take care of yourself?" A sour laugh erupted from deep in his throat. His fingers automatically flew to touch the scar tissue on Suzaku's right lower back. "You almost died trying to protect me. You're too self-sacrificing for your own good. So no, I don't trust you."

Suzaku tightened his hold. "I promise," he said again, voice ragged. "Please believe in me. I know what I'm doing."

"I want you to quit," Lelouch repeated himself.

"I know," Suzaku returned soothingly, sounding almost patronizing. "But I won't, and it'll be okay. You'll see."

Lelouch huffed angrily over Suzaku's shoulder. "No, you will," he countered, always needing to have the last word.

"Lelouch, stop staring at Suzaku!" Milly ordered, beating her vice president on the head with a rolled up newspaper. "I asked you five times to get the senior class's budget fixed; if it's not done in the next hour, then we're switching uniforms!"

Blinking sleepily at Milly, Lelouch slowly scratched some numerical figures on the paperwork in front of him. "Sorry, Madame Pres," he said around a yawn. "I was up late last night."

Milly pouted with disappointment. "Aw, and here I thought you were spacing out because you were in love!"

Both teens froze, and Lelouch studiously avoided Suzaku's eye by gazing firmly at his paperwork. His knuckles turned white around the pencil in his hand, and he bit his lip. Milly was more observant than he often gave her credit for, but did she really suspect his feelings? If so, did she discern whom they were for? Did she know of the fluttery feeling in his stomach whenever he thought of Suzaku, and of the uncontrollable yearning to see him at all hours? Did she know of his want to keep Suzaku happy and safe, to take care of his needs and reassure him that he was loved? Did she know of his confusing dreams, overpowering his mind at night and slipping into his imagination by day? Did she know that he knew Suzaku loved him in return?

If Milly could tell, could Suzaku?

…no, the teen was an idiot.

He was safe in that regard. The true threat now was Milly Ashford. "I'm sorry to dash your hopes," Lelouch answered in a cool tone—in his practiced liar's voice.

Suzaku looked down and smiled as Milly rolled her eyes and flounced away in obvious frustration. There was a happy, floating kind of feeling in Suzaku's chest, and it only scared him a little that in the short time since he'd reunited with his friend, he could accurately read Lelouch where others could not.

Lelouch was lying, and he was in love.

Then, he looked up and caught Lelouch's eye. Lelouch's gaze seared right through him, and Suzaku felt his breath catch. He could identify the conflicting feelings reflected in his friend's violet eyes; he knew because they were the same feelings he saw in his own whenever he looked in the mirror. His skin was on fire under Lelouch's penetrating look, and the hairs on the back of his neck started to rise. Suzaku started to tremble. I'm sure he knows how I feel, but could it be possible that he…? I mean, why else would he insinuate…?

Purple eyes blinked at him once, very slowly, as if reading his mind.

Suzaku felt his heart almost explode with happiness at their secret coded gesture for 'yes.'

Lelouch is lying, and he's in love.

With me!

Shuffling his feet nervously, Suzaku knocked on Lelouch's bedroom door. Lelouch had extended that open invitation, which Suzaku took to mean he was welcome any time he damn well pleased. Normally, he wasn't one to just drop in on someone, but this was different. He just couldn't keep silent anymore, especially after determining that Lelouch most likely loved him back. He'd been trying to come up with the perfect love confession, and it had been holding him back; nothing he thought of seemed good enough for Lelouch. But at the end of the day, as long as he spoke from the heart, surely that was all that mattered?

There was a bang inside—a chair falling over, it sounded like—and some bumping and grumbling. Finally, Lelouch threw open the door, his face reflecting surprise at Suzaku's unexpected appearance. "Suzaku!"

Suzaku swallowed shakily, barely managing a second-long smile. "Hey there, Lelouch. Can we talk?" His skin prickled with anticipation, and his feet felt like lead, bolted to the floor in front of his crush's bedroom.

Lelouch looked him in the eye, then stepped out of his hardly-open doorway—stepped partly into Suzaku, their chests brushing before he turned, yanking his bedroom door closed behind him. "Let's go to the kitchen," he suggested brightly. Too brightly.

Suzaku nodded, half puzzled as to why Lelouch didn't want him in his room, half disappointed because if things turned out the way he hoped, he wanted the bed nearby—just in case. Not that he'd ever go so far so soon, but the temptation lingered in his mind, spurred on by the flux of crazy dreams starring his best friend. "Sure," he choked, following Lelouch as if in slow motion. When he stepped into the kitchen, Lelouch was already making tea, keeping himself busy.

"What did you wish to talk about?" Lelouch asked, stirring sugar mindlessly into his cup. He never used sugar.

Suzaku felt dizzy, and he leaned back against the sturdy countertop. Sayoko and Nunnally were gone, so they still had privacy. If only he could get himself to speak! Just a simple 'Lelouch, I love you' would do, but he'd be lucky if he could manage a sound other than a croak. He'd heard before that, when you really believed in something, it was easy to speak. But that couldn't be true. He knew for certain that he loved Lelouch, and here he couldn't manage a single word! Maybe Lelouch would magically discern what he wanted to say; it wouldn't be the first time his friend had read him intuitively.

So with that in mind, Suzaku stared at Lelouch, willing all the love he felt to shine through his eyes.

Lelouch looked at him, sighed, and said carefully, "I know what you want to say."

Suzaku's head snapped up hopefully. Of course you do. You always know.

"But I don't think it's a good idea," Lelouch continued, bravely staring Suzaku straight in the eye. He hesitated, swallowing thickly, and his voice was gentle as he explained, "Some things, Suzaku, are best left as they are." Amethyst eyes shimmered with discernible regret. After another moment of silence, he looked away and suggested, "Maybe you should go…forget this ever happened…"

Unable to utter a word in the face of rejection, Suzaku nodded and left, the door slamming in his wake.

Behind him, Lelouch quivered and stared at the second cup of untouched tea. With slicing pain and frustration overpowering him, he hurled the delicate china at the wall. The satisfying crash mirrored the tumultuous emotions in his chest, and the brown tea bled down the wallpaper like blood dripping from his heart.

He sank to his knees, letting his head bang against a cabinet door. "I'm so sorry, Suzaku," he rasped, hoping Suzaku could sense his apology, wherever he was right now. That was harder on me than it was on you, if you could ever believe it. Slinging an arm over his eyes, he decided not to return to his room just yet.

C.C. would not be happy to see him after being shoved under the bed. But then, Lelouch hadn't known Suzaku was going to show up, and they both knew it was dangerous to be seen together. If she didn't scarf down so many pizzas, maybe she would fit under his bed easier! It was C.C.'s fault—entirely—and sometimes her presence annoyed him to the point of insanity. Like tonight. If she wasn't there, he could invite Suzaku into his room and then…well, then forget his resolve to end things before they began.

Lelouch had decided it after the Black Knights' debut. He was in too deep to consider a relationship with—his heart lurched—an enemy. After he'd had that fight with Suzaku, with his lovely Japanese crush half-naked but bleeding on his bed, he'd realized how utterly hopeless it was. Suzaku can't accept Zero, and anything we could have would only be a mockery of a true relationship. Not to mention, he'd be a distraction. I can't let anything keep me from making Nunnally's peaceful world!

Laughing mirthlessly, Lelouch hunched over on his kitchen floor. It felt cold. He must be so confused! I keep sending him mixed signals. 'Suzaku, make your move.' 'No, Suzaku, let's leave things as they are.' I wouldn't blame him if he hated me right now. Lelouch curled deeper into himself, trembling violently, as if he had been the one brutally rejected. And the thought of Suzaku hating me is absolutely unbearable! Why did I have to fall for that idiot?! …Why am I making both our lives miserable?

The answer rolled into the room five minutes later, the whir of a wheelchair making Lelouch lift his tearstained face.

"Master Lelouch?" Sayoko asked from her place behind Nunnally. Worry shone in her warm eyes, and she looked around the kitchen, her gaze lingering on the shattered china teacup and soiled wall.

"I'll fix it," Lelouch promised, sweeping a hand through sweat-matted black hair. "I'll make everything perfect again."

"I'm glad," Suzaku said out of nowhere, still unable to look Lelouch in the eye. He'd been sneaking glances at Lelouch all day. Every once in a while, he'd notice Lelouch looking back at him out his peripheral vision. Neither of them had uttered a word until then, but playing eye-tag said it all: This is hard. I miss you!

Lelouch turned to stare at Suzaku. "Oh?" he asked, his voice as strained as the atmosphere in the Student Council room. "What are you so glad about this time?"

There was a good bit of space between them where they sat on the couch, and it was that engulfing space that was wrought with tension.

Suzaku laughed embarrassedly and looked to the side, a telltale pink hue staining his cheeks. Another memory of the embarrassing episode in Lelouch's kitchen flashed through his mind: the gravity of Lelouch's face as he indisputably rejected Suzaku's feelings. A romantic relationship was out of the question now, but… "We're still friends—best friends." It was an understood question as well: Are we still friends?

It was Lelouch's turn to look away. "Idiot," he murmured fondly. "Of course we are. Always."

Suzaku whipped around to stare at the older teen. "Even after…?" he asked, not wanting to put the incident to words. I ruined everything yesterday! It's only a matter of time until everyone knows how badly I messed things up.

Lelouch nodded firmly, fine black hair swishing from the motion. "Nothing could ever make us not be friends, you and I." Suzaku frowned, and Lelouch frowned too at that uncomplimentary reaction. "Why aren't you happy anymore?"

Suzaku fixed his gaze on the floor. It took extra effort to speak. "You shouldn't hold yourself back, Lelouch. I'm just…just an Eleven." Maybe that's the reason Lelouch doesn't want to be with me. He added earnestly, "There are so many others who are more worthy of your time and friendship, so why…?"

Visibly offended, Lelouch shot to his feet and grabbed his friend by the shoulders. His grip was weak, but his glare was strong as he all but hissed at the Japanese teen, "Eleven. Don't use that vile word around me. You're not a Number, Suzaku, you're a human being!" Grip tightening, his breathing hard, Lelouch leaned closer and vowed, "More than that, you're my best friend, and I don't give a damn if the rest of the world thinks you're worthless. I'll never think that, do you hear me?"

Wide-eyed, Suzaku could only nod and stare into those burning purple eyes so close to his own. I should have known Lelouch wouldn't be that shallow. But then, why…? "Le-Lelouch," he whispered, licking his lips. The tension increased again, pressing down on them, pushing them closer together while simultaneously keeping them from crossing that thinning line of friendship. Suzaku's heart raced, and he was overcome with the urge to slide that last little bit closer. He moved to clutch Lelouch by the shoulder…

…and Lelouch hurriedly tore himself away, losing some of his famous grace and composure in the process. "Well then," he breathed, turning his back on Suzaku. "I'm glad we got that settled."

He was alone in his sanctuary.

A light breeze ruffled Lelouch's bangs as he leaned on the roof railing, staring out at the school grounds spread before his ever watchful gaze. Dark clouds hung heavy in the air, but the approaching storm had yet to break. It reminded Lelouch of the night he'd shared with Suzaku at the Orange Café, only this time the thundershower seemed closer. Things were more open. Lelouch closed his eyes and tilted his head back, enjoying the feeling of the wind rushing across his face. Breathing deeply, he savored the freedom he felt up there, almost as if he were atop the world. The creak of a door opening caught his attention, and he turned to stare calmly yet expectantly at his friend. "Suzaku," he breathed, his friend's name leaving his lips in a whoosh. His face broke out into a serene smile.

He was alone with his sanctuary.

Suzaku quietly closed the door behind him, his head high but his shoulders tense. Green-gray sunlight broke through the clouds, casting an eerie, pale light on Suzaku's haggard face. "Hi, Lelouch," he greeted solemnly. He rolled his shoulders, bravely meeting his friend's eye. "I know why you called me up here."

"You do?" Lelouch cocked his head, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Since when do you predict my actions?"

Suzaku laughed mirthlessly. "I know, I know. That's your job." Green eyes followed a zigzag of lightning on the horizon. "But it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you want to talk about, Lelouch. And we both know I'm no genius."

Lelouch was silent, not bothering to argue and thereby confirming his agreement.

Point proven, Suzaku stood straighter, his gaze drifting back to Lelouch's face. Suzaku gulped. "Look, let's just get this over with. I know we already talked about how nothing changed our friendship, but I realized that I never said—"

"Oh no," Lelouch moaned, interrupting his friend as he foresaw where this was going. "You wouldn't dare say—"

"—I'm sorry." Suzaku hung his head.

Lelouch took a step closer to Suzaku, moving away from the protective roof railing.

Suzaku's shoulders trembled; he looked as shaken as a leaf in a gale. "I assumed that you—I mean—I thought I wasn't the only one." Squeezing his eyes shut, he waited for the rain to fall so his tears would blend with the sky's. There was no blending. "I'm sorry," he croaked again. "I wanted to believe so badly that I ended up making things awkward between us. I know you know what I'm talking about." Sniffling, he pressed his arm tight against his eyes. "I didn't mean to. I wish I could take it back."

Lelouch was silent, taking it all in. He waited, letting Suzaku regain control of himself. Then, softly, he murmured, "That's funny. I don't."

Suzaku's head shot up, eyes popping open. "Wh-what?"

A smirk curled Lelouch's lips. "I said," he repeated himself, "that I don't wish you could take it back. I'm flattered, really." Purple eyes sparked with mischief as he finally put the situation to words: "That you like me, I mean. Suzaku."

Choking on his own breath, Suzaku stumbled backwards; Lelouch smoothly stepped in to grasp his shoulder and keep him upright.

Another long silence permeated the air between them.

Finally, Suzaku mumbled, "You're wrong."

"What?"

Suzaku looked up. "I don't just like you, Lelouch. I—" A gust of wind sprang up, drowning his voice, carrying his confession away. He shifted uncomfortably from side to side.

Lelouch's smirk softened into a smile. His eyes glowed with happiness, but he only said, "You're wrong too, Suzaku. I didn't signal you up here to discuss that." He constricted his fingers tighter around Suzaku's shoulder, holding him in place. A glare transformed his face. "I wanted to talk about history class this morning." The discussion topic that day had centered on the Elevens' unquestionable defeat during the Second Pacific War, and half the students in their year had taken it upon themselves to remind Suzaku that he was born of losers' blood. Mrs. Kerr, of course, had done nothing to stop the ruckus, not even when Corbin Dixon and Farrell Fox had thrown spitballs at Suzaku's face.

Suzaku just shrugged. "It's not a big deal to me, Lelouch."

"Well, maybe it should be!" Lelouch erupted. He abruptly let go of Suzaku's shoulder and spun around, hands fisting at his sides. His voice was biting as he empathized, "You don't deserve what this school puts you through." Stormy shadows played across his face, and his words escaped through clenched teeth. "It's despicable: the way they treat you, just because you're Japanese."

Relaxing slightly, Suzaku couldn't help but smile. His heart swelled with gratitude—and the 'something else' that had been growing stronger every day he spent in Lelouch's company. Feeling brave, he ventured, "Lelouch, I wouldn't care if every other single person at this school hated me…as long as I had you."

Lelouch whirled around again. Disbelief and bliss warred on his face; bliss won. "Suzaku…" The air crackled with energy; the most electric space on the roof encompassed the inches between their heaving chests.

Suzaku looked embarrassedly to the floor. He was reminded of that time in the Student Council room recently, when he'd first come under the impression that Lelouch loved him in a romantic sense. Since he'd been rejected, he'd convinced himself that he'd read Lelouch wrong after all. But now…

It would be a crime for Lelouch to look so overjoyed and not love him back.

White-yellow lightning flashed behind Lelouch's head, and Suzaku reeled back as if struck. Understanding dawned in his eyes, but was quickly overshadowed by storm clouds at the dim realization. It wasn't that Lelouch didn't want to be with him; it was that they couldn't be together. After all, a relationship between an Eleven and a Britannian—and two boys at that? Such a thing was basically unheard of! And if anyone discovered Lelouch was royalty…if anyone discovered a Britannian prince had feelings for a lowly Number…

Suzaku shivered at the potential ramifications.

Lelouch, meanwhile, was caught in his own circling thoughts. He'd vowed to himself not to complicate things further by taking that next step with Suzaku, but his heart ached at the empty feeling he knew they were both suffering. His own pain was augmented knowing Suzaku was smarting over his rejection; he winced, knowing he really just wanted to open his arms to Suzaku. He'd held out for almost five days now, keeping up the charade that the issue was a done deal. And yet…the roaring in his heart told him otherwise, and by Suzaku's last comment and tone, Lelouch knew the feelings he had for the other boy were still mutual. There was still a chance to turn this around.

Only, what about Nunnally's peaceful world? The Black Knights? Zero?

Suzaku…his Suzaku…meant just as much.

Hadn't he resolved to fix things? Staring at Suzaku's downcast expression, Lelouch realized there was only one thing to do. Well, there were always multiple options, but he stubbornly cast all other possibilities aside. Lifting his hand, he brushed his index finger down Suzaku's cheek; Suzaku jumped, but Lelouch only shushed him quietly.

Lelouch's brow furrowed as he planned. He might need to make adjustments to his other ambitions, but he was positive he could foster both his rebellion and a relationship. The Black Knights were for Zero, but Suzaku was for him—Lelouch, just plain Lelouch. If he denied both Suzaku and himself any longer, the strain would break them apart worse than Britannia had broken the world. When it came down to it, he wanted Suzaku.

And Lelouch always got what he wanted.

It was time to take action.

Suzaku was pulled from his musings when he felt Lelouch shift closer. He jumped when pale hands hesitantly moved to clutch his shoulder and hip. Looking up, green eyes widened when Lelouch slid even closer until their uniformed chests brushed against each other. Too stunned to move, Suzaku's own arms hung uselessly at his side. Lelouch had always been more reserved when it came to emotion, to touch. Suzaku swallowed, trying to search his friend's face. There was nothing; Lelouch's expression was guarded, as always.

The first peal of thunder rippled across the sky as, without warning, Lelouch leaned in close and softly pressed his lips to the corner of Suzaku's mouth. Lelouch shivered against Suzaku's strong frame, blood racing at his own daring. He was ninety-nine-point-eight percent certain that Suzaku felt more than mere friendship for him, but there was always that small margin of error where he was wrong. A few seconds passed, and Lelouch pulled back, forcing himself to meet that inquiring green gaze.

Suzaku froze at the initial contact. Was this really happening? Was Lelouch finally acknowledging this…whatever it was between them? Were their lips really so close? All he had to do was turn his head and they'd be kissing—but no, Lelouch moved too soon. The cool storm breeze chilled his bones, making him more aware of the unwanted space between their bodies.

His heart pounding erratically in his chest. Suzaku started to breathe again. Lelouch had just…and Suzaku, known for his quick reflexes, hadn't responded quickly enough… Nervous tingles swept through his body, and anticipation pooled in his stomach. Suzaku lifted his eyes, once more searching those violet irises so very close to his own. He swallowed, noticing the unsure and nervous look now reflected in those purple eyes, so openly out of place on Lelouch's normally arrogant and confident features.

Without a word, Suzaku slid his hands up his friend's chest, smiling inwardly at Lelouch's sharp gasp at the action. From there, he skimmed his fingers up Lelouch's pale, delicate neck until he reached red-tinted cheeks. Cupping Lelouch's face in his large, tan hands, Suzaku quickly guided Lelouch's lips to his for a full-on, direct kiss. He reassuringly gazed into his prince's loving violet eyes before his own eyelids slipped shut in pure happiness.

Lelouch sighed against Suzaku's mouth, letting himself relax against the stronger teen. His fingers clenched tighter around Suzaku's shoulder and hip, and Lelouch shuffled closer, trying to feel as much of Suzaku as he could. Living up to his namesake, Suzaku was so warm against him; Lelouch's blood was heating from the contact. Yet again, Suzaku was saving him on the rooftop but this time Suzaku was the source of the dizziness.

More thunder rumbled in the distance, dragging both boys from the haze of affection. The connection between their lips was short-lived as they pulled back simultaneously, acute embarrassment flooding their senses as the realization of the last few moments slammed their minds like lightning.

"Suzaku, I…" Lelouch tried to say, but failed. For someone who relied on always having the right words, he had nothing to say right now. Nothing fitting and appropriate. He could speak in front of millions of people, spouting political injustice, riling his rebellion followers, putting Britannian nobles in their place—but he could not find the right words to express his feelings to Suzaku. Sometimes he overlooked the simplest tactics.

Leaning in again, Suzaku just smiled and pressed another soft kiss to Lelouch's full lips. He was rewarded with Lelouch's own kiss, and they stood there on the roof, silently exchanging sweet, closed-mouth kisses back and forth, reveling in this newfound pastime that summed up what words at the moment could not. There was a sweet zing to their kisses, prompting them to continuously dive back for more.

Lelouch slid his arm around the small of Suzaku's back, and Suzaku melted a bit more in his embrace.

Glee swept through Suzaku, and he knew he had to try again to voice his feelings. He could barely wrap his brain around the words he needed, he was so high off Lelouch; luckily, the message he needed was imprinted on his heart. Face shining, he said affectionately, "Lelouch, I lo—" He stopped, feeling Lelouch's cell vibrate between their breasts. Reluctantly, Suzaku let go of Lelouch so he could dig his phone out of his pocket. With a disappointed sigh, Suzaku glanced at the caller-id, wanting to know just who had interrupted his long-in-coming confession. He blinked at the 'no number' flashing on the screen, and his green eyes flicked questioningly to Lelouch as he stepped back, putting unnecessary distance between them.

Lelouch averted his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "This is important. I have to go."

Suzaku's face fell, but he tried to compose himself before Lelouch looked back his way. He'd automatically assumed they'd spend the night together, sorting out their relationship and getting everything on track for their future happiness. He'd already become used to the sensation of drowning in Lelouch's arms, of clinging to his prince as his anchor in the stormy sea of life. He wanted to feel something solid beneath his feet. Beneath his and Lelouch's feet, standing together.

With one last apologetic glance, Lelouch left Suzaku alone just as the rain droplets began to fall.

"I understand," Suzaku whispered to the empty rooftop, even though he really didn't.