The sidewalk tilted beneath Kurt's feet as he ran, throwing him off balance and making it harder to push past the crowd blocking his path. He didn't stop, though; he couldn't stop, not until he had gotten to his mother, and not until he had made it far away from everyone and everything chasing him. He had to keep going - but it was hard to go anywhere when he was surrounded, and when the waves kept rocking the world around him and threatening to knock him over.
Turning a corner, Kurt found himself running down a deserted passageway of the ship, and he picked up his pace, no longer hindered by the mass of pedestrians in the city. An odd mixture of fear and relief fuelled him now, pushing him onward. He had almost made it. Just a little farther, and it would all be over.
Out of nowhere, a pair of hands reached out for him, giving his shoulder a hard shove, and sending him hurtling across the hallway. His eyes closed instinctively as he braced for what he knew was coming, and then his back slammed painfully against the wall, the rattling of a locker door following the impact as predictably as thunder following a flash of lightning.
The sound echoed up and down the empty deck, gaining volume with every reverberation, and as it did, more sounds began to mix with it. Kurt could hear the waves now as they crashed against the side of the ship, and his dad's voice calling for him -no, for Thomas- from a distance; he could hear the jeers from his former classmates (the wrong names again, but worse than 'Thomas') and the condescension in his teachers' voices as they pretended to understand his troubles, just before advising him to try harder to fit in. He heard his mom's stifled sobs from the night that she left, the Marshal at the first safehouse firmly explaining that he could never see Sebastian again, his dad's voice, again - getting closer and starting to sound desperate as he dropped his alias and addressed him as Kurt -and then, a deafening blast that drowned out all other sounds - and he was plunged into darkness. The waves closed over his head and he was sinking.
Kurt jerked awake with a gasp, the noise from the explosion still ringing in his ears, even though the room he was lying in now was dead silent. His heart raced and he stayed totally motionless as he stared at the ceiling and tried to process everything that had just happened.
He breathed in slowly and deeply, trying to steady his nerves, and when he detected the familiar scent of Sebastian's aftershave on his pillow, he exhaled with relief, remembering where he was.
It was just a dream, he told himself, sitting up a little. Sebastian's family took care of everything. It's all over.
But in spite of that knowledge, he still couldn't bring himself to relax. Even though he was finally free and back in New York-back with Sebastian-where he belonged, he was still constantly on edge, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the trapped, isolated feeling he had had while they were apart. It felt like he hadn't been able to let go of the fear and hopelessness that had filled his system for weeks- the terror that had chilled him to the core that not even Sebastian had been able to thaw.
It didn't help that he was still having the same nightmare every night, making him relive all the worst moments of his life over and over again.
Suddenly craving the security of being held in his fiancé's arms, Kurt turned his head to look at Sebastian, and found, with a twinge of disappointment, that he was still sound asleep.
Kurt sighed softly. It was just as well, he thought, pulling up his knees and hugging them to his chest, moving slowly so as not to disturb Sebastian. He didn't deserve to have someone awake with him to make him feel like he wasn't all alone in his suffering. He had brought his upon himself—upon all of them. None of this would have happened if he had just thought for one minute how severe the consequences of his actions could be. The least he could do was let Sebastian have his rest, while he waited for his hammering heart to calm on its own and tried to fall asleep again.
And to think, he had been so happy after the proposal on that Thursday so many weeks ago! He had thought that, for once, his life was going in a positive direction—that he actually had a bright future. And then Friday had come, and all that happiness and all his hopes and expectations had been shot straight to hell.
FRIDAY
"There you are, wild and free, reaching out like you needed me. The helping hand to make it right, I am holding you all through the night…"
Kurt smiled as he clicked on the song and added it to his Potential Wedding Songs playlist. He and Sebastian had yet to set a date for their wedding, or decide on the size of their guest list—or decide if there was even going to be a guest list; eloping was still on the table—but one thing they already knew for certain was that they were not getting married without music.
So, after his last class at NYADA had let out, Kurt had gone straight home and planted himself and his laptop at the kitchen table to compile a massive list of love songs extending to all genres. They would narrow their song choices down together later, but right now, Kurt was so deliriously happy that he wanted to use all of them.
For the first time in his life, everything just felt perfect. He was engaged to a wonderful man, whom he would be meeting again for dinner in a couple of hours, he had only half a semester to go before he graduated from NYADA, his dad was in good health and making progressive waves in congress, and yesterday, for the first time in years, Kurt had spoken with his mother.
Just before Elizabeth had gone into hiding for the second time, as she was bidding an emotional farewell to her husband and son, she had slipped Burt a notecard bearing her new name and phone number, and instructed him to only use it if it was absolutely necessary. No one was ever to find out that she was still alive. Even Burt and Kurt weren't supposed to know, as the agency protecting her had made quite clear, but Elizabeth had wanted to minimize the damage as much as possible.
Convincing a mother to abandon her only child for the sake of his own safety was one thing, but expecting her to also put him through the sorrow of thinking she was dead, and tainting any chance of their reunion with the trauma and betrayal of having been lied to about it, was expecting too much.
So, she had gone against procedure and explained as much as she could to her family in secret, and left them a way to get in touch with her in the event of an emergency or any other life-changing news.
Burt had kept the paper locked in a safe for years, knowing better than to trust a grieving eight-year-old with his mom's contact information. After his heart attack, however, he had decided that it was time to let Kurt know how to reach his mom if he ever needed her.
Kurt, understanding how dangerous it would be for Elizabeth if the Andersons ever found out that she was alive, had never used the phone number—though there were countless times he had wanted to, and he had it memorized by heart—until yesterday.
"I just had to tell you," he had explained, calling from an empty classroom at NYADA after making sure there was no one around to overhear them. "I don't know if maybe you would have somehow found out about it eventually, but I wanted you and Dad to be the first to know, and I really wanted to be the one to tell you."
"Oh, Kurt, I'm so happy for you!" his mom had gushed in return. "I'm glad you told me, sweetheart. And I wish so much that I could be there to see you get married; it just kills me that I have to miss it."
They had chatted for as long as they could, trying desperately to make up for lost time. Unfortunately, though, their call had been brought to an end much too soon by the approach of someone in the NYADA hallways, and Kurt had apologetically hung up—but not before promising to have both his engagement and his wedding announced in the newspaper, with pictures.
Despite how sad it made Kurt that his wedding was yet another milestone in his life that his mom would have to be absent for, talking to her yesterday had alleviated some of the ache of missing her.
After all these years, she still thought about him every single day, followed all of the news about him that was publically available- highschool newspaper articles, NYADA newsletters, audition tapes- and she still loved him just as much as she always had. Knowing that didn't make up for a lifetime of having to be apart, but it did give him something to hold on to, to make not having her at his wedding a little easier. She couldn't be there physically, but she would be there in her heart, and given the circumstances, that was all Kurt could really ask for.
Another perfect song brought Kurt out of his thoughts, making his heart swell, and he hastily added it to the playlist. A few songs later, he looked at the time, and, realizing it was going to take him forever to finish this task at the rate he was going, he stopped playing every song he considered, and just added them based on his memory of how they made him feel.
When Kurt finally reached the end of his iTunes library, having added nearly every love song he owned to his playlist, he plugged his phone into his computer to begin the syncing process. He hummed happily to himself as he waited, pleased to be finished and still have plenty of time to get ready for his date with Sebastian. His wait was cut short, however, when a notification popped up on his screen.
Kurt read the message and let out a little groan, rolling his eyes. His phone didn't have enough available storage space to sync the playlist. Typical.
Kurt picked up his phone and began looking for ways to free up storage space. He cleared his call logs first, since that was the easiest step to take, and then he opened his settings folder to see which apps were taking up the most room, and delete the ones he didn't need.
Don't need that one, he thought as he scrolled through the list, gotta keep that one...don't need that one...I can delete that one for now and add it back later...
One app that he had never seen before caught his eye, and he cocked an eyebrow at it.
"What's Safe-T Watch ?" he mused aloud.
According to the activity log, its last use had been today, and it was taking up quite a lot of room on his phone. It was probably one of those apps that downloaded automatically with a phone update, he determined, and he must have accidentally opened it at some point without realizing it. At any rate, he wouldn't miss it. Kurt tapped on the app to view his options, and hit "Delete App" without a second thought. After tapping through the little box to confirm that he did want to delete it, a second, slightly bigger box unexpectedly popped up:
Please re-enter Apple ID to confirm removal
Kurt's eyes shifted. That was weird. And annoying. But he did as he was prompted, and entered the email address and password synced to his phone, then hit "return". Another box popped up almost right away:
Incorrect Apple ID
Removal of Safe-T Watch must be authorized by account administrator.
Kurt frowned. Administrator of what? This was his phone, for god's sake, synced to his account. And while they did live under the same roof again, Kurt had had his own phone plan independent of Burt's for years now. Whose account could this app possibly be connected to?
An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach, and he turned back to his computer and opened his web browser, typing "Safe-T Watch" into the search bar.
The first result to come up was an ad from the App Store, displaying the same icon he had seen in his storage folder. Breathing more heavily than he had been a moment ago, he read the description next to it:
Safe-T Watch is the top-rated app for parental device monitoring. Now you can remotely track your child's online history and view all phone numbers and email addresses they interact with! Keep your children safe from outside threats, and be notified immediately of suspicious activity with this easy-to-use tool! Now available for iPad and—
Kurt froze. No, he thought, a terrible sinking feeling taking hold of him. No, no, no, no, no, please, no-how could I be so stupid?!
He stood up abruptly, yanking his phone free of its charger carelessly, and made a beeline for the front door, not bothering to close his laptop on the way out.
There was only one reason why he could have an app like that on his phone, and it wasn't because his dad or Sebastian would want to snoop on him.
His heart pounded in his ears as he made his way down the sidewalk, adrenaline starting to cause his whole body to tremble. How had he let something like this get past him? And how could he have been so careless as to call his mom from his own phone?
With more force than was necessary, Kurt chucked his cell phone into the first trash can he came across, and picked up his pace, internally cursing the bustle of the city making it difficult for him to move faster. The nearest payphone was a block away, and he didn't have time to deal with New York City foot traffic today.
What had he been thinking? He had spent nearly his entire life taking every precaution to not let it slip to anyone that Elizabeth was alive—hell, he didn't even talk about her as though she was still alive to Burt, just in case there was someone listening in! And now he had let his guard down for one day, because he was a sentimental idiot who'd thought that maybe everything in his life could be going right for a change. He should have realized it would never be that simple. He should never have called her. He should have known better.
Finally coming out of the most densely crowded area of the sidewalk, Kurt broke into a full run. If he bumped into anyone along the way, he neither noticed nor cared. Nothing mattered more than getting to his mom on time. He had to warn her that her security had been compromised before it was too late.
If it isn't already, he thought, beginning to panic. The Andersons had a twenty-four-hour head-start on him, and there was no telling how much they had found out by now. He could only hope that however much they knew, they hadn't managed to reach her yet.
By the time he finally reached the payphone, he had built such a momentum that he stumbled and nearly fell over when he tried to stop. He managed to regain his balance, but he seemed to have little control over his body, otherwise; he was taking his breaths in gasps, his heart was beating so hard and fast that he could feel it in nearly every inch of his body, and his stomach protested his every single move with waves of nausea.
Taking out his wallet, he found that his hands were somehow both stiff and shaking at the same time, and he fumbled with the zipper of the change pocket for a moment before successfully getting it opened.
Getting the change inserted through the coin slot and dialing the number also seemed to be taking him much longer than necessary, and he was so impatient with his sudden lack of motor skills that he wanted to scream. He settled for banging his fist against the side of the metal box that the phone sat in, but the result was more painful than cathartic.
He drummed his fingers against the box anxiously as the phone rang on the other end, ignoring the throbbing on the side of his hand, and he sucked in his breath when it was answered after three rings.
"Hello," Elizabeth's voice greeted him lightly.
"Mom, thank god!" Kurt half-sobbed, unwittingly gripping the receiver with both hands.
"Kurt?" said Elizabeth, worry rising in her voice. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"You have to get away," Kurt blurted out in a rush. "There was a spyware app on my phone that tracked my calls and sent the information to another device, I just found it. I screwed everything up, Mom, I'm so sorry, please get help and disappear again as fast as you can!"
"Wait, slow down," said Elizabeth. "I'm in a parking garage with bad reception, and you're breaking up on me. You found what on your phone?"
"An app that shows someone else every number I call," said Kurt, trying to speak more slowly. "One of the Andersons must have planted it somehow, I don't know when, but if they have your phone number, it's only a matter of time before they find you! Mom, you have to get out of wherever you're staying—it isn't safe anymore. You have to run away before they find you!"
"Kurt," Elizabeth said, sounding deeply troubled, "if they know that you contacted me, they're gonna be coming after you next, and your father, too. Listen to me, talk to him and tell him that you have to—"
A deafeningly loud BOOM cut her off, and Kurt jumped, tightening his grip on the phone and reactively jerking it away from his ear. Another instant later, he was cradling it close against the side of his face, the sound still echoing in the background.
At first, all he did was listen, too stunned to react. Then he took a deep breath, gathering his nerve, and forced himself to speak.
"Mom?" he said tentatively, his voice wavering.
This wasn't happening; it couldn't be. Their conversation couldn't end here.
He waited, still hearing echoes from the blast in the background, but Elizabeth didn't respond.
Kurt swallowed. "Mom?" he said again, his voice breaking now. And then, more uncertainly: "Can you hear me?"
She's not there, an intrusive thought suggested. They already got to her. She's not answering because she's dead.
"Mom," Kurt repeated a little louder, trying to drown out the voice in his head, but it persisted.
She's dead because of you. Her cover was fine until yesterday. You led them to her.
"Mom! Mom, please, say something to me!"
You killed her.
"MOM! " Kurt cried out desperately, his vision blurring.
But she never answered.
After a little while, Kurt heard something in the background shift, and for just the briefest moment, he thought maybe she was going to answer him after all. But another moment later, he heard a click, and the line went dead. The call had dropped.
Kurt stood frozen in place, his hands still glued to the phone as the truth that he'd tried to block out finally sank in. He was too late. His mom was really dead. The Andersons had found her, and they had killed her. And it was all his fault.
"Kurt. Kurt! Wake up! Wake up baby, come on."
Kurt shook his head in his sleep. He shouldn't react, he couldn't be Kurt anymore, no matter how familiar the voices sounded; he had to be Thomas, or they'd find him and take his dad-
But it's Bas, his subconscious whispered.
I can't, it's too dangerous, I have to be-
"Thomas!" Sebastian's voice was low and wrought with emotion.
With a sigh, Kurt opened his eyes. His throat hurt and his heart was beating fast. His eyes settled on Sebastian.
"It's okay," Sebastian said softly. "You can be Kurt again."
"I know," Kurt brought out, banishing his nightmares. "But my head can't seem to remember."
Sebastian pulled up the corner of his mouth and reached for the stubble fade on the side of Kurt's head. "It will once you grow out your crew cut," he offered cheekily.
Kurt huffed out a breath. "I know, it's terrible. I feel so naked."
"Naked isn't necessarily a bad thing," Sebastian said with a grin, and ran his hands through the short hairs on top of Kurt's head. "But I do kind of miss something to hold on to when we are. Naked, I mean."
Kurt chuckled and pushed at his chest a little, but as quickly as the mood had been lifted, it crashed down again. He shivered. The haircut had been necessary to help him feel like someone else. Along with the clothes, the shoes. Everything about his body had felt different, and while they were at sea, he had forced himself to make it his new normal. Now all of the old sensations felt wrong.
Sebastian's smile faded when he saw the change in Kurt's demeanor. "What is it, babe?" he asked.
Kurt shook his head. "I don't know," he said miserably. "I just don't know how to go on like everything's normal after all that's happened. I want to be able to accept that it's really over—that I'm really safe, and…me again—but at the same time, I'm not , and…" He trailed off, blinking back tears of frustration. He was not explaining this well.
"I'm sorry," he let out, "I know I'm not making any sense, and this is putting a damper on our engagement, which should be a happy time in our life, and I need to be like I was before, and I'm trying, it's just—"
"Kurt," Sebastian interrupted, gently brushing his fingers through his hair again.
He gave Kurt a moment to catch his breath, and waited for him to look him in the eyes before he continued softly: "I don't need you to be anything other than what you are. And if what you are is a little lost right now…" He shrugged. "That's okay. We're in this together now, babe, you don't have to figure this out on your own."
Kurt dropped his gaze and sighed. He wanted to feel reassured by Sebastian's words, but he just couldn't.
"Come here," Sebastian said, leaning closer to Kurt and wrapping his arms around him. "It's okay. I got you."
Despite Sebastian's embrace, Kurt was shivering. There was a sense of wrongness in the warmth and the soft words, clouding his mind as if this was the dream. A sweeter one than the nightmares, but still unreal. Any moment now, he would wake up and be back on the ship, alone in a narrow bed, swaying in the dark - and his body was bracing for it, muscles tensed and knuckles white, fingernails biting into his palms.
Sebastian noticed and pulled him closer against his chest, holding him tightly. "I'm here," he said, over and over again. "I'm here, Kurt."
Kurt wished he could explain how part of him wished Sebastian and his dad would stop treating him like he was made of glass. He wanted them to blame him, shout at him, give him something to fight against, to give some sort of purpose to the drive and the pent-up anger he was feeling. Maybe if they would, he could stop feeling like he needed to punish himself.
"Bas," he whispered, "I need to tell you something."
"Okay," Sebastian simply said, "Then tell me."
"When we were at sea...when I thought I had lost you forever-"
"HOW DARE YOU!" Burt's voice boomed loudly from the other room.
Kurt froze. Sebastian immediately moved, half-throwing himself over Kurt and shielding him from whoever might come through the door. They waited, their hearts pounding as one.
"Please let me explain-" another voice pleaded. It was high and melodious, and even though Sebastian had never heard it before, it somehow sounded familiar. He felt Kurt gasp underneath him, and shifted to give him more room to breathe.
"Mom?" Kurt whispered.