A Little Unsteady

Chapter 5

Trigger warning: Rape, torture and PTSD.

A gasp hurled itself into the air as darkness encapsulated the living beings within its grasp. A splutter and a cough rebounded as air was sought after greedily. A shaky hand reached out like a shadow and flicked at the light switch nearest to the bed.

As light swallowed up the room the main figure on the black and white plaid comforter sat up hastily, their eyes squeezed shut as oxygen didn't quite come easily to their lungs.

Their hand swatted out in the direction of the red chair beside them doing little to rouse its sleeping occupant.

Before the situation could reach a crisis point-lungs refilled and green eyes parted open. Black locks trailed over strong shoulders and sweat beaded at the trickster's forehead.

Eyes took in the scene around them as the nightmare-the memory even-slid further and further away.

I am okay. I am safe, he thought to himself as he swallowed nervously and the shaking set in.

Loki curled and uncurled his fingers as he tried to get the feeling back into his hands as if they had fallen asleep. Instead they just felt ice cold and the disgust that traveled through his system was nearly palpable.

He was a monster; it was all he could ever be.

He was a disgrace, a Frost giant, a speck of nothingness.

He didn't deserve good things in life and they would never filter their way into his life.

….He was meant to be ruled.

Loki growled in annoyance, shaking his head vigorously until the bedroom around him spun in a flurry of indistinguishable shapes and colors. The level of disgust rose in his throat before he angrily tossed aside the sheets and warm cocoon surrounding him so that he could swing his agile legs around and rise to his feet.

He tiptoed across the bedroom making sure to make the smallest of noises possible so as not to awaken the mighty Thor. Luckily for him, though, Thor was a heavy, heavy sleeper.

Loki trailed a hand down the accompanying wall, feeling the light bumps, imperfections and ridges within the Midgardian material until he took a left and eased himself into the bathroom. It was a small room regarding Asgardian standards but he had surmised for himself that it was rather lavish for the subhuman standards of Midgardian heroes. As he slipped his hand past the glass walls of the shower he regarded himself with the questionable notion of whether he was now a part of those heroes.

He certainly didn't feel a part of them, which he knew for certain, but as he adjusted the silver knobs to allow water to spray out of the ceiling he couldn't help but entertain the thought.

What if Loki, the trickster and pseudo-Asgardian, the mischief maker and Silvertongue creature, could become part hero?

His features curled up in disgust at the notion. He wouldn't put it past his not-brother to claim Loki as such.

But what could Loki possibly offer the Avengers?

Was he….valuable in any significant way?

His lips downturned at the thought. Loki, by definition, was not a "valuable" citizen.

To come to think of it, he wasn't sure if he was any type of citizen to any realm. He certainly wasn't welcome in Jotunheim, Asgard or Midgard. He was for better parts an outcast. He was unwelcome, unwanted and unnecessary. Loki was a shell of a man, and even then, not a man at all.

He sighed heavily.

What could he do? With this mysterious ailment afflicting him what did he possibly have to offer but trouble, pain, unhelpfulness and uncertainty? How could he help others when he couldn't possibly yearn to help himself?

Who was he, after all was said and done and the sun went down and the stars twinkled brightly?

Was he merely deluding himself into thinking he was important and useful in any offerable way? And worse, was he deluding the Avengers into thinking this truth as well?

Loki chewed on his bottom lip as he skimmed his hand into the spraying water, fiddling with the knobs again to cool the temperature. He began to peel away his heavy clothing from his pale skin, discarding the cloths into an unorganized heap before he slipped into the shower.

Droplets of water cascaded down meeting Loki's skin and bathing him in their sweet relief. He stood for a moment, feeling the water plip-plip-plop as it soothed the tense muscles of his back. He tilted his neck side to side to loosen the rest of the tension as he looked down on his bare feet before a flash of purple lined his vision.

Loki's gaze narrowed considerably as he felt again the remnants of the Other fondling him. Air caught in his chest as he reimagined the broken bones, the bruises and the unimaginable pain that sent shockwaves through his system. He felt suddenly like an earthquake taking place in a small village. As the people ran and screamed the tectonic plates let out a shrill scream as they rearranged themselves. Dust and pollution rose visibly in the air as he could feel the Other's fingered hands curl around his waist, thrusting into his ass painfully and deliberately.

Loki had bit his tongue until it pooled with his blood as he put everything into not allowing a hiss of pain to unfurl itself from his mouth. He dared to not give that satisfaction to his tormentors.

It often resulted in more torture, sadly for the trickster. He could recall his femur being broken in several places, his wrists mangled and his red blood streaking down his arms from the wounds that would be opened and reopened time and time again.

Loki could almost feel the hiss of hot breath at his ears even now, most of his memories of his childhood and adolescence colored with the trauma and horrors to befall him later in his life.

Even as his fingers raked into his hair he could feel less of the water rolling down him and more of the memories shaking their way into his skull.

You are nothing, trickster. You think you were special only to be wasted away, torn apart and left for dead from your utmost precious family. You will achieve nothing in your life and you deserve to die.

But, Thanos will not give you such pleasures. The Master is keen on his word that you shall be punished indefinitely if you are to fail in your mission. Failure to extract the Tesseract from Midgard will breed to you unimaginable pain.

This, trickster, is your only warning.

This particular memory wrought both physical and mental anguish to Loki's features. He quickly turned the cool metal back to its furthest left so that the water only dribbled out slowly before stopping altogether.

Stepping out onto the white tiled floor, Loki let the excess water run down his body as he caught a glimpse of himself in the rectangular mirror.

Bare flesh reflected back to him without a single blemish seen to the unsuspecting eye.

Of course, however, Loki knew himself better than anyone else and while his vision flitted between his present appearance it also remembered the horrors that awaited him each day he spent with the Others. Loki could just make out the pale white steaks that remained almost branded into his arms that only after closer inspection would be visible to mere mortals' eyes.

Green orbs searched his face for something more but Loki knew instinctively that he wouldn't find it there-not now, maybe not ever. Loki rolled his tongue over his lips, sagging shoulders into defeat as he towel dried himself and cocooned again into the folds of his clothes.

With his attire back into position, Loki trailed his fingers once again down the hallway as he approached the "elevator" as the Midgardians called the metal walled contraption. He wasn't necessarily hungry as he was bored and lightly traumatized. He reasoned in his mind that now would be a good time best eating a snack that at least held the possibility of him returning to the present moment.

As the elevator dinged its descent, the doors parted and Loki traveled out, hand lingering on the peculiar texture of the wall as he rounded the corner and entered the kitchen.

To both his dismay and delight, he discovered he was not alone.

"Captain," Loki said almost in a whisper.

He would have followed up with a further response but his brain felt twenty yards behind him and he couldn't unhinge his jaw to say what few words were in his mind.

The Captain gazed up at him, barely concealed surprise reflecting in his blue eyes. A spoon lay cradled in his hand as he scooped up rounded O's and placed them delicately into his mouth.

He chewed for a brief pause before gesturing to the trickster.

"Loki," he began, eyes flicking to the blue digital numbers overhead on the microwave. 2:26am read the clock. "You're awake."

It almost sounded like a question, Loki thought to himself.

"Captain," Loki repeated, shifting uncertainly on his feet.

"Are you hungry?" Cap asked, gesturing to the open cereal box near him on the wooden table.

Loki shrugged a shoulder, padding quietly over to the Captain.

"Sure," he said, getting to the nearest cabinet and taking out a dark red bowl and spoon from the dishwasher.

He filled his newly acquired bowl with milk, adding in the cereal sheepishly as the two men sat in uncomfortable silence.

Loki pulled one of the chairs back that sat across from the Captain, taking his seat slowly.

Cap took a quick breath in and let it out.

"What's got you up this early?" he asked, eyes nodding at Loki's form.

Loki smiled tensely.

"We really don't have to put up with the pleasantries, Captain." His voice was velvety smooth, hiding, he hoped, his true emotions.

Cap's eyes took on a confused nature.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean-"

Loki held up a hand.

"It's all right," he paused, taking a bite from his spoon. "I….had a…bad dream," he said this slowly and for the most part quietly as he wasn't sure he should be admitting this even while he told the truth.

Was this a conversation he was really willing to have?

Maybe it was better to say nothing at all.

At the same time, his extravagant lies have become too tiresome to maintain. There was always so much work that lined his skull that he had to keep track of and he had truly grown old of them. Maybe some things weren't meant to last forever. Loki figured he could give himself the chance to entertain this thought.

Cap nodded slowly like a sloth changing branches.

A silence fell between them again, but this time it wasn't so uncomfortable.

Loki felt an internal pressure building up inside him. He opened his mouth to release them and found himself uttering the words, "I've been tortured."

Cap's eyes didn't lower in shame, he didn't stop eating his cereal and he didn't look onto Loki with pity. For this, Loki felt a swirl of gratitude. For months he had been too ashamed to utter the words that so easily had just flown from his lips and now he felt the void within him filling with hope.

Maybe, after all, Loki was something and maybe he was someone who had things to offer the world. Even if that world was only Midgard.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cap asked, looking over Loki for a moment.

He didn't appear to feel one way or the other, meaning that if Loki chose not to he didn't have to talk about it. Loki for the first time in a long time felt the choice was being presented to him. He found the warmth inside his chest was a testament to how much he enjoyed that empowerment.

"I…guess," Loki said, entering a new form of territory he had felt closed off to for ages. Before the Captain could take back his words, Loki heard himself say, "It was after I fell from the Bifrost. My…father…" Loki sighed. "He's not my father but yet he still is." Loki stared down at his fingers that loosely held his spoon. Metal was easier to stare at because it didn't have competing thoughts and feelings. It just was and it merely existed.

Oh, how long it had been for Loki to just merely exist without the thoughts, feelings and nightmares to keep him awake and alarmed for days. He shook his head, trying to root himself back to the current moment. He was having more trouble with that as of late and he didn't know why. Speaking of…

"I don't know why he didn't tell me I was adopted. I don't know why he lied, why he kept this façade up and why he didn't think I mattered enough to know the truth…I don't know why I didn't see it coming sooner. I'd always been different, always lesser than. I should have…" he trailed off. He did the only thing he was sure of in that moment which was to eat more of his cereal.

As he chewed, he continued speaking. He hadn't spoken this much in all the time he's been living with the Avengers.

"I let go on the Bifrost because there was nothing left for me on Asgard. Thor is…practically delusional. Even at my hearing the poor fool couldn't keep his mouth shut from adding his two cents of pleas to the Allfather."

Loki showed his distaste by rolling his eyes.

"He tried batting for you?" Cap asked with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Loki nodded, "He tried talking the Allfather into not executing me."

Cap adjusted his gaze.

"And you would have preferred an execution?"

"Of course," was Loki's automatic reply. "Execution would spare me countless hours of reliving my hell again for all of eternity."

"Do you still feel that way?"

He paused to consider this. "With what's happening to me currently…I recognize that I am not of much use to any of you in my current condition. I…for lack of a better word have baggage. I'm…" a waste of space, Loki thought.

"It's difficult," Loki amended, realizing maybe this truth telling wasn't as easy as he thought it was going to be. "I felt betrayed. I know Thor knew I was going to f-to choose to fall from the Bifrost…Everything felt so final then. I knew I didn't matter nearly as much as Thor felt I did. I…thought the void would be a quicker death than the Allfather's punishment would have bestowed upon me."

His eyes lingered on the soggy O's.

"I made my mistakes. It was likely an oversight on my part to condemn an entire race to premature death. When I fell into the void I thought that would be it. But, I was wrong."

Loki's voice grew cold as an unmistakable shudder passed through his body.

"The Other found me. Or, maybe I came to them."

Memories slid into focus in his mind's eye.

"They raped me the most, but that wasn't all that they did. They were merciless. No emotion, no true motivation. They broke me down into fragments of myself for them to wield as a "stronger" weapon. They got into my skull and populated there like rabbits. I was their maker, and in that, their tool. Without me, the project would not have sufficed. They needed me, they required a ruler. It was simple, really. Bring them the Tesseract and then I could know peace. It was a hope, at least, through all of the darkness. It was a hope I found myself chasing. I realize now it was likely never going to occur. The Other don't appreciate freedom and they never intended to give me mine. We're all just meant to be ruled."

Loki took this opportunity to sit back fully in his chair. He felt the hard wood nuzzle against his shoulders as he gathered the courage within him to raise his green eyes.

What he found was the Captain leaning toward him, hands knotted together with his chin resting on his knuckles. A mixed expression of pain and compassion lingered in his eyes. His eyes appeared almost glazed over and it took a minute for Loki to realize it was because there were tears in his eyes. Tears for Loki, of all beings. Tears that were meant for him. Loki. The notion of it was so absurd that Loki had to consciously stop himself from laughing out loud. Instead, neck tilted back, he paid attention to the words that came from the Captain's mouth.

"Despite everything you're still here."

A thoughtful look passed like clouds over Cap's face.

"I mean, so many things could have been different. Had the smallest thing have changed you might not have ever been back here on Earth at all." He paused. "You're stronger than you realize, Loki. I'm sorry that you were tortured-no one deserves that. It's going to take time for you to heal. And I'm glad that you're here-despite how weird that is to say… You have survived the unthinkable and you do have a lot to offer the team. It doesn't excuse what you did in New York yet together we may be able to find our way through this. Earth may not have been the place you wanted to return to, let alone that you wanted to return anywhere at all, but it's got to be better than death. I hope that someday you're able to come to that conclusion yourself-and if it's not too conceited of me to say, I hope our team can help you to get there." Captain took a long hard look at Loki, almost as if he was inspecting him, before he sighed softly and a half smile appeared tugging at the corners of his lips. "If you ever want to talk to any of us again, we're here to listen," he chuckled, "except maybe Tony." His smile widened in jest.

Loki couldn't help his own from forming on his lips.

"Thank you," and for once he really meant it. He had been offered kindness when maybe he didn't deserve it. But he entertained the thought that maybe one day he would. Maybe there was a someday out there for him after all. Maybe Loki could be okay.

And maybe, just maybe, he actually looked forward to finding out.

A/N: Phew, okay, that was A LOT. This started out as 8 handwritten pages and came out to 9 typed pages. If there are any typos I missed, my apologies! It's been a long time coming for an update, I know! I'll try not to take as long for another one.

The whole rape aspect to the torture was surprising even to me but it's where the words brought me. I guess, don't shoot the messenger, right?

I will also be updating a bunch of "Severed" and "Distorted & Disordered" if you happen to read those. I hope this further backstory is good and fitting for where this story has been going since you've started reading. I hope Cap's speech isn't too sappy, either. But hey, we're all in need of some sap sometimes ;) Leave a review, if you can! I'll see you next time.

This was written: 2/8, 3/2, 3/5 and typed 3/11/18