A Little Unsteady
Chapter 8
"So you know what you're doing?" The doctor asked again and Loki tried not to bite his lip off in frustration.
"Yes," he repeated almost numbly, fingering the small, black device within his grasp.
"Can you show me?" Bruce asked with patience brimming to his brown eyes.
Loki sighed, twisting the device here and there as he spoke, "Place these electrodes upon my skin, the device is not meant to be worn while wet, and keep a journal of what I'm up to in case my tumultuous emotions and my attacks are linked." He threw a glance to the doctor and raised a brow. "Anything else?"
Bruce smiled thinly. "Sounds like you've got it." Loki made to leave but Bruce's next words halted him.
"But for safe measures I'm going to ask that we check up on you at the end of each night to make sure you're complying with the test."
Loki hurled a heavy sigh from his lips, turning back to the man.
"I really don't think that's necessary."
"It didn't work out so well for us before." Bruce admitted casually, eyes dancing to Loki in a way that he felt he'd hardly seen before.
"That's before I was willing to comply," Loki reminded, green eyes darting back to the doorway merely five feet away.
If I push Bruce over I may be able to get there before Thor assaults my torso, he mused to himself, blinking away the thought as soon as Bruce responded.
"And I have no way of guaranteeing that you won't change your mind again," Bruce stated back, calmly.
Loki huffed again, replying with a thrust to Thor, "We have a witness."
"So did we last time, too." Bruce pointed out.
Loki rolled his eyes.
"You do realize I have other places to be."
"Doing what?" Bruce asked earnestly, only with kindness, Loki noted.
"I'm having…a visit." He averted his gaze before he felt azure eyes look to him perplexed.
"Mother is coming?" Thor asked, mildly surprised that she would-yet also realizing once again the walls that existed between him and his brother. Essentially, he tried not to take it to heart that Loki hadn't told him Frigga was stopping by to visit. "Does she-?" he began but Loki tossed a cruel look back to him.
"Of course not, Thor. I…wasn't certain I'd be mentioning it." He frowned then, next addressing Banner.
"If I don't check in with Tony by the end of the night you can mount my head on a platter and hang it over the fireplace. Deal?"
Bruce pinched his lips but nodded in ascension.
As Loki strolled out of the room, Bruce pouted, telling himself more than Thor, "I doubt Tony would appreciate the mess."
Thor grinned back at him, thanking him for what he could before he trailed off out of the room.
~#~
"Brother," Thor stated almost frantically, hand already reaching out to grasp Loki by the shoulder.
Instead, Loki hurled himself around and halted his frenzied steps. In annoyance he coughed out, "What, Thor? Are you jealous with how great I am at keeping secrets?" Loki tossed his chin into the air in clear defiance and unbridled pride.
Thor immediately frowned. "I just wasn't aware with your ongoing need to tell them." He lowered his head in shame and dejection. "I thought we had moved past that."
He said it so glumly that Loki couldn't stop his stomach dropping to his knees. He lowered his pride and took on a compassionate viewpoint-even surprising himself.
"I'm sorry, Thor." He said softly, a cool hand reaching back out to brush past his elder sibling's fingertips. "I…I could have told you sooner." He shifted position on his feet. "I've known for a couple of weeks but I-I'll keep it in mind more in the future that you'd like to know. I don't know how well I can keep telling you my truths-as you know I'm called Silvertongue for a reason-but I will try harder to be better. W-would you like to see her, too?"
Thor's face lit up like a firecracker so Loki quickly added, "After my visit, before she goes." He negotiated and Thor nodded in pleasure.
"That works for me!" He chirped and swiped a hand through his ratty hair. "I should freshen up before she sees."
Loki agreed brightly. "My room at noon."
"I will meet you there, brother."
And so they sauntered off in different directions down the hall, and if he were honest with himself, Loki couldn't help but smile at his small steps of progress.
~#~
It was a quarter before noon and Loki sat cross legged on his soft mattress, giddy with excitement at his soon to appear visitor.
While Loki had been away from Asgard he had still managed to find some sneaky ways to contact his mother as much as he could. He often found himself unable to tell the team what magic brought him and where he sometimes ventured off to to catch even just a glimpse of his sweet and caring mother.
A mother he was greatly missing now as his sickness was growing more and more out of control with what felt like every passing second. He hadn't seen her in months and the mere thought of this loss brought tears to his eyes even now.
He wished only to be held by her and hear her cooed voice softly speaking into his ear.
But he knew that their magic was limited. It didn't allow for physical touch and the notion made Loki gasp in pain.
He couldn't help but be transported back in time to his sentencing. Thor had been there, of course, and Odin had set one bleary eye upon him before deciding the punishment fitting his adopted son was banishment to the planet he tried to rule.
Of course, Odin had instead named it his "rehabilitation" but Loki could read between the Allfather's lines and knew if it weren't for Thor or Frigga that he'd have been sentenced to death.
He couldn't help but mourn that loss, too.
But as for now, the clock somewhere in the city rang for noon and not long after, the air shimmered in gold and invisible waves of heat splashed into the center of the room just as Frigga appeared, captivated in its glow.
"My son," she hummed, smiling a sad knowing smile and reaching out for him.
"Mother," he croaked, and had to stop himself from reaching through her apparition.
"Have you been neck deep in another set of books?" she asked and Loki could tell from the gleam in her eyes that she may have been crying recently. He also knew her comment veiled disappointment and pain thinking he'd been outwardly and purposefully avoiding her.
"It's not that, mother." Loki glanced sideways before letting out a long exhale. "How have you been?"
"Worried for you, Loki." More pain eclipsed her soul. "Where have you been? Heimdall has lost sight of you, I hear. Are you shrouding yourself from him, again?" She sniffled, strong emotion leaking into her posture. Her blue and teal robes hung loosely over her frame and a pang of reciprocal guilt hit Loki in the knees.
His face darkened as he couldn't help but spit, "I do not require an audience to see me at my worst." He paused briefly before adding, "I get enough of that here, regardless."
"Oh, Loki," Frigga whispered in a quick breath. "For what reason do you continue to hide yourself?"
Green eyes met his mother's and before he could stop himself-and maybe it was for his own good that he didn't-he commented back, "Because no part of me has ever been worthy." He cast his eyes down to avoid her stare.
It was a long moment of silence before he heard her say, "The Allfather meant no ill will upon your being sentenced here. It was-"
"For rehabilitation, yes, I know, I was there."
"-yet clearly only hearing what you wanted to hear. Your stay here on Midgard is contingent with your efforts towards rehabilitation. If it comes to fruition, the Allfather will grant you access back to Asgard when you are ready-"
"And if I am never?"
"Then you will not be alone." She made to continue but Loki interrupted.
"And what of Thor? Is he meant to follow me around on a leash or is he allowed back, open arms, into the palace?" Anger colored his hurt as he cried out, "Would you truly leave behind your adopted son to bask in the glow of your true and only firstborn? Or have I clouded my vision in thinking you were any different to the Allfather? You know as well as I that you played into these lies all my life and for what prize? To be with a partner? Submissive?" He snarled then, lowly. "You are no true Queen and Odin no true father. He cast me out with ill health and I wish to never see you again!"
He couldn't help but toss a hand through his mother's illusion, exploding out of the room in a blackened rage, lashing out at anything else that dared to cross his path.
Even Thor recognized the commotion but wisely chose to stay clear of his brother until he calmed down some.
If nothing else, the Avengers residing in the tower looked around wide-eyed, muttering an 'okay, then' and hoping for the demigod's sake that everything was truly going to be okay again.
~#~
"Scotch."
It wasn't a question but more of a demand.
Loki's emerald eyes swiveled up to the inventor, lo and behold: the mortal had a full glass handed out to him. Loki made to disagree when Stark added, "You look like you need it." He gave a sheepish grin.
Loki sighed, hand swiping through his long hair until he relented.
"Fine, but I don't want to talk," he mumbled, eyes shifting to the glass's ice cubes bumping into one another. They were little cubes of perfection, meant to be ingested and carried away.
"Great, means I can talk more," he winked at the trickster who only gave a weak smirk back. "Visit didn't go so well?" Brown eyes searched green and Tony took the slight, heavy look of Loki's eyelids as a warning to stay away. For that, he tried, he just wasn't always successful. "I hear ya on that. When I'd be away at school and my parents tried to visit, I'd shoo them off even when some part of me wanted them to stay. When the accident happened…" He trailed off for a moment, his own eyes momentarily losing their sparkle.
"Anyways, when that happened and they got taken away from me it hit me really hard. There wasn't going to be any more hugs from my Mom or ignoring shrugs from my Dad. My Dad and I kinda clashed a lot and didn't see eye to eye but without him here…it's tough. I wish he could have stayed longer, you know? I wish he had left me more to remember him by." Tony took a deep breath. "They may not be the best parents in the world yet they're all you've got. I'm not saying to make peace with them right now, hell, maybe it will take you centuries, but just… just keep them in mind. Because once they're gone from this universe…that's it. And no disagreement is worth living with that deep-seeded guilt and regret later." Tony leaned over and refilled Loki's empty glass.
Loki stared off a little lost, a faraway expression residing in his irises, as though he had fallen through the void once again before his gaze jerked to Tony's. Softly, he whispered, "I merely yearn to be held."
Tony couldn't help but make a face of repulsion, looking around for another huggable teammate but before he could call out to offer Steve as tribute, Loki had set his glass down on a coaster and leaned over the table to embrace the inventor.
Tony's chin lay over Loki's shoulder as he awkwardly and stiffly held his arms to his sides. He meant to sputter unfamiliar words from his mouth when he heard Loki growl, "Hug me back, mortal."
Tony laughed nervously. "Um, I mean, Steve could probably-"
"Do it or I'll slit your throat." Loki threatened darkly but from his tone Tony could just make out the jest in his words.
"We really do need to work on your manners," he retorted, one hand still holding his drink as he curled his arms around the thin demigod.
They held each other like that for a few minutes; hearts beating at a separate pace, feeling the other one take then let out a breath. It was soothing, more than Tony would have thought and he could feel the cool temperature of Loki's skin over his thin band shirt.
It was another second or two before Loki said, "I didn't really tell her about my issues."
"Which ones? You've got quite a few of them." Tony easily came back with.
Loki playfully slapped Tony's back. "Don't be a bilgesnipe. My health issues." He clarified, as an afterthought.
"I mean," he continued at a more reasonable volume, "I hinted at them but didn't go much further." He sighed. "I think she was trying to understand where I was coming from but I cut her off. I hate that I do that…I want to tell her but I don't wish for her to worry."
"Kinda impossible, Moms are prone to worry." Tony advised, cautiously.
"But she doesn't know why I've been shrouding myself from our watchman, Heimdall. It's said that his golden eyes can see all over the universe, even the smallest of creatures."
"Like ladybug sex? He just watches ladybug sex all day long?" Tony smirked at his remark and Loki laughed in return.
"I suppose so. But I haven't wanted her to see me in such a vulnerable state."
"And how's that working out for you?" Tony quipped, hands squeezing his glass and one of Loki's shoulders. "It's a parent's job practically to worry. By hiding yourself while sick she's not getting any messages or glimpses from you and that level of the unknown is probably worse than being in the loop and learning that your child is getting the appropriate help and support that they need." Tony thought for a second, tongue at his teeth. "Leaving it up to a Mom to think of every possible worst case scenario is like giving a cat left at home nothing to do but have full access to all the furniture. It's going to be a mess. Having some idea is going to be better than going by nothing, which is where she's coming from right now. Capiche?"
Loki nodded slowly, finally (to Tony's relief) untangling himself from the inventor. He still kept his hands on the billionaire's shoulders when he looked into his brown eyes and mumbled, "Thank you, Tony. You have given me much to think about. A…fresh perspective." He smiled a little with reassurance upon his brow.
"You probably need to apologize to your Mom, too. Maybe make her something?" He asked, having faith Loki could come up with an idea.
Loki's smile grew as a sparkle reappeared in his irises. "I know the perfect thing."
Loki gave the inventor one final squeeze before jogging to the edge of the room, halting at the doorway as he turned back one last time. "By the way, I have the machine on." He pulled down his collar a few inches to show two of the electrodes on his chest.
Tony gave him a thumbs up and the trickster truly smiled again as he returned to his quarters to work on a magical gift for Frigga.
~#~
It was a few hours later in the late afternoon that Thor came silently stepping into his younger sibling's room. He watched mostly for a moment as Loki was manipulating a gold sparkle, shifting it right and left, forcing a hummingbird out of the small circle before he added green and red flowers to the sides of it. His face was aglow from the light and Thor thought in that same second his brother looked at peace.
He let him work in silence for a minute longer but was only slightly surprised when Loki remarked in his direction, "I know you're standing there, brother." He smiled, feeling so at home when practicing his magic. He stilled his hands but tossed a shoulder over to Thor.
"Come closer," he insisted and Thor did as he was instructed.
"Would you like to add something?" Even Loki's eyes smiled at him with pleasure.
Thor nodded eagerly, biting his lip before he exclaimed, "An elk! Oh! And a hammer." He shrugged. "So she knows it's from me."
"A hammer is your signature?" Loki mulled over to himself, but he added in a silver elk and a white and blue lightning bolt and a silhouetted hammer.
"Anything else?" Loki perked a brow and Thor was already rattling out, "A mountain!"
"What color?"
"Green and black."
"My favorite," Loki said, laughing. He drew then a tall mountain, with thick green trees at the bottom, changing the hammer to the right of the hilltop and the lightning strike to the left. For good measure he added dark grey clouds over the scene, next placing the elk to where it appeared as though it were venturing out of the forest.
After, he moved his flowers to encircle the scene and integrated his floating hummingbird, colorful and plump, to the left of one flower.
From there, he tinkered with the visual, adjusting items by the millimeter until he was properly satisfied.
"It's a fine image," Thor cooed behind him.
"It's art and it's magic; in some parts science and in many others self-expression." Loki hummed. "If only you had taken interest in these practices before, but, I should be grateful you are now." He gazed over to his brother. "You have good ideas." He hesitated. "I've been thinking…I may require your support with mother when I cast a moon her way. Would you mind staying with me as we speak? I feel she may be more receptive with two of us here rather than just me." He looked down before meeting Thor's stare again.
Thor looked like he was ready to jump out of another helicarrier. In earnest he agreed, "Of course, brother, of course."
"Are you ready now?" Loki asked with obvious consideration.
Thor nodded.
Loki placed aside his piece as he created a slither of a moon, carefully moving it forwards with an open palm until it zoomed out of sight, flickering into a stream of white as it crossed worlds.
"How long will this take?" Thor asked with interest.
Loki shrugged, "Depends on how pissed she is at me." He chewed on the innermost point of his cheek, grinding his teeth over the tissue as though he were creating a skyscraper out of his mouth. He stopped only when a small then slowly growing larger orange sun came floating back to them.
Thor held his breath in awe as Loki smiled to himself, his own relief rocking through his body as if he'd just completed a white water rafting course.
Soon after, a shimmering blue and gold orb came floating to their eyes until it burst into flapping wings of butterflies. The butterflies were orange, white, pink and green. They dazzled in the light and brought so much comfort to Loki's soul that he had forgotten could ever exist.
Life was amazing, wonderful and glorious while also sometimes being shitty, terrifying and burdensome.
But life at this moment, in this frozen millisecond, was beautiful and Loki thanked the Norns that he was alive in it to experience it. Warmth exuded from his skin and he couldn't help but smile in the space of time where he had-somewhat-forced the Man of Iron to hug him back. He treasured that moment of physical comfort more than the philanthropist would probably consider normal.
It was a comforting, safe and chosen touch. Save for Thor, it had been a long time since he'd been touched with kindness and respect. In parts, he felt honored that Tony had put up with him and also grateful that he had complied even with his empty threats of retaliation.
But for now, the air was shimmering again and Frigga's face came with some static at first then clearing into a high definition portrait.
"My sons," she remarked in surprise, eyes welling up with bittersweet tears at the sight of Thor (but also Loki-even after how he had acted).
It floored the trickster how she could so easily hold as much forgiveness in her bosom as she did.
He couldn't help but feel a flicker of unworthiness for this gift but he shoved the thought away, instead focusing on his mother's altered attire.
Frigga now wore colors of red and magenta, pearls and golden rings. She never explained why but the two men figured it was after a festive feast back on their planet.
For now, she gave them both wry smiles, one brow rising in Loki's direction with the trickster practically swallowing his tongue in anticipation.
"Frigga," Loki stated smoothly. "I…apologize for my previous actions. You didn't deserve that." He shifted again, anxiety closing in his throat. "We made you this." He held out his peace offering, not missing the moment where pride and happiness filled her features as her hands came to her mouth in shock.
"Consider it my deepest apologies." Loki added as Thor replied, "I added the hammer, mountain and elk." His face beamed with playfulness before shooting Loki a sheepish grin.
How very much Thor reminded Loki then of how they were as children.
His green eyes passed to Frigga who was boasting about Loki's talent with magic and commenting on Thor's choices of decoration.
Behind his back, the thunder god lightly pushed Loki forwards. It was a veiled signal to shift the conversation.
He didn't want to. He really, really didn't, but he thought back to Tony and knew it was necessary. Better now to face the Queen of Asgard's fears than wait until it was too late.
Loki cleared his throat then, hoping this uncharacteristic motion would set things into place.
With ease, it did.
"You have something to tell me about the state of your health," Frigga asserted with grace and an all-knowing look.
Loki narrowed his eyes but bit his tongue on the scathing remark that surfaced at once.
"Yes," he said instead, taking a step closer towards Thor as though to physically lean on him for support. He barely noticed he was doing it.
"Has Odin spoken of it before?" Loki dared to ask and Thor nudged him, shaking his head.
Danger! Danger! Turn back now, was what Loki imagined Thor was telling him with that gesture.
He sighed, moving forwards (mentally) without a clear answer from his mother.
"I've fallen ill to an unknown condition. The mortals don't know what's causing it but they are now running tests. Their version of medicine is different than ours. No magic, lots of waiting and archaic machines, likely too reliant on these tools." He frowned. "My most troubling symptom is that I continue to face fainting." He held his next breath before he exhaled it audibly. "They have me on this monitor to check my heart rate in case what activities I am up to are linked with my moods. It's only day one of three and nothing's happened yet." Loki pulled down his collar again to show his mother who had silently and patiently heard him out.
"And this is why you've shielded yourself from Heimdall?" she asked quietly, as though she were expecting this behavior from him; which he tried not to dwell on as a splash of sadness dunked his soul.
He appeared sorrowful for his actions.
"Yes, mother." He said as though he were still a child. In many ways, he still felt like one.
She nodded, apparent on her face that she didn't completely understand but trusted in the process regardless.
"As long as you are taking care of yourself," she looked expectantly to Thor. "And you keep an eye on him, too." She gazed back at Loki. "He will try to sneak around you so place eyes on the back of your head and be persistent. He needs more of that in his life."
Loki chuckled, "I am getting a fair bit of that out of all of my team members." He smiled fondly, again.
"Then we placed you among the right people," Frigga said calmly.
Loki wasn't sure how much of a choice was involved but he let the comment pass.
"If either of you don't mind, I am going to step out of my room for a moment. I'm sure you both have catching up to do." Loki edged his way to his bedroom door.
Before he left, Frigga called to him, "And Loki? Be honest with them. They are under strict orders from the Allfather to properly take care of you. We only wish to help you." She looked at Thor again as she chided him with how he needed to look out for his brother more than he was already.
Loki slipped out of the room as their loud voices faded into distant whispers.
Loki edged himself along the wall, hands trailing over the increasingly familiar bumps and grooves. He coughed quietly, hoping to be both inconspicuous and found all the same.
His lungs were rapidly filling with air but it wasn't enough-nothing he ever did was enough.
He shook his head-he was trying so hard to be better but what good did it do him? All anyone expected from him as he made some steps of progress was more, more, more.
He couldn't handle it! Did they not realize how difficult this change was for him? Did they not have a clue how much he wanted to escape, hide, and run away?
But he couldn't do any of it.
He couldn't run, he had nowhere to hide and he felt infinitely small and trapped.
What was he going to do?
Why was this so difficult for him? Why had he grown up the way that he had? He had so many memories of Asgard, a place so far away within the nine realms and so few experiences on Midgard, the one true place he felt at home.
It wasn't fair. None of it was fair.
Was it worth it?
Was everything he was trying to build for himself, everything that required his work, time and effort worth never seeing his home planet again? Maybe in some alternate universe it was. Maybe in some alternate universe being away for so long from his mother, one of a mere handful of people who truly loved him was worth it-but he wasn't certain this was that universe.
She wouldn't be alive forever and all he had ever learned about magic and faith and hope and love would be swiped clean from the galaxy as though she never existed in the first place.
The recognition of this horrifying thought slapped him loudly across the face. He gasped for air again as he slid down to the floor. He could feel his heart thundering over and over in his chest and he had the passing idea that this was different than all the other attacks-his heart stayed in rhythm just at a faster pace.
He closed his eyes and let the shadows overtake him even as he heard the disembodied voices of his teammates from down the hall.
He tried to hold onto his consciousness but he couldn't help but relent. Maybe the darkness would be a break from the world around him and maybe for a little while, he could find some peace at rest.
He remembered his eyelids fluttering shut before his body sagged and he was gone.
~#~
He awoke abruptly. He found himself already sitting up when his lids parted and he took in the sight around him.
He was with Steve and Banner in a small room. He was resting upon a chair no more than two feet across. A glass of water stood nearby on the lone table and Bruce was standing, his glasses partway down his nose. Steve sat across from him in the other mahogany chair, looking with a grim expression at Loki.
Loki, meanwhile, blinked in confusion and slight alarm. Realizing what must have gone down he quickly interjected, "It wasn't the same that time."
Bruce nodded once, a twinge of disbelief set in his brown eyes.
"No, really. I-I…it wasn't the same. It was something else. Do you have any idea on what it could be?" Loki asked this now out of sheer panic.
He suddenly hoped he wasn't facing two separate illnesses. He had no way of knowing if this new problem would exist in his ever failing body, too.
Steve's blue eyes flitted to Bruce's wondering if the doctor would share his tentative diagnosis with the demigod.
As it turned out, he did.
"We think you might have had a panic attack."
Loki frowned, not understanding.
"They can happen in moments of intense stress and anxiety. It's a psychological disorder and we can't be sure that it's your main problem or another one altogether. They tend to cause hyperventilation and only rarely lead to syncope. It's also extremely possible that it was a one off situation, meaning it won't become a persistent problem. Unfortunately, there's little we can do except wait and see what happens next." Bruce looked to Loki with sympathy. "I know they really suck. How are you feeling now? Any other symptoms bothering you?"
Loki exhaled loud and hard. He assessed his body in silence, flicking his wrists and crossing and uncrossing his legs.
"I seem to be in one piece," he mused in a hushed tone. He slapped his frame back into the hard wood of his seat. He sighed. "Indeed, I'm in one piece. Is it too early to tell what the hell is wrong with me?" He looked sadly upon the doctor.
Bruce's lips formed a thin line.
"It's too early." Bruce agreed, wringing his hands. He shifted awkwardly but Loki hastened a guess as to what he really wanted to know next.
"I still have it on," Loki said, referring to the monitor.
He made to stand adding, "I'll be more careful."
He was nearly out the door when he heard Steve from behind him also moving to the door.
"Would you like to help me with dinner tonight?" he asked, blue eyes aglow and Loki regarded him for a moment too long before saying, "I figure you want to keep an eye on me and I appreciate it but…" Loki stopped, considering his options. "Actually, yes, yes I will. I could use the company, captain."
He made to the left until Steve called out, "It's this way, actually."
Loki snickered, "Of course it is."
And the two departed to the hubbub of the Avengers Tower's kitchen.
~#~
"It's truly an American classic," Steve was informing him, holding onto one square of white bread as he slathered a purple jelly onto it. He set the butter knife down then picked up the second square. He unhinged another cool toned knife from the drawer and stuffed it inside a jar of tan peanut butter.
As he combed the peanut butter into his other square, he gestured for Loki to take up the mission.
Loki, for what it was worth, wordlessly complied. He placed the knife back into the jelly, spreading it over a new square while asking, "What is this dish called?"
Steve smiled, "A peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
"How original," Loki evaluated sarcastically.
Steve's smile grew, "Most just call it a PB&J for short."
Loki nodded, hearing him while also attempting to perfect the way he spread the jam and the butter.
Steve's gaze traveled to Loki's craftsmanship. "It doesn't have to be perfect," he observed and Loki pursed his lips.
"It should be." He exhaled with exasperation, setting down the two knives and a newly made sandwich. "Could we take a break?" he asked assertively, checking in with his innards as he suddenly took the hint that he was ravenous. "Maybe we can eat some of these snacks," he suggested with care.
Steve nodded his affirmation, "Sure." He took out a blue and white plate from the cupboard for himself, reaching back in to take out a sea foam green dish for Loki.
The trickster brightened with pleasure.
They marched over to the table, pulled out their chairs simultaneously and dug in.
Steve watched Loki's facial expression intently as he took his first bite tentatively.
"What do you think?" the super soldier asked as Loki took his time to chew, swallow, then declare, "It's good."
"I was hoping you'd like it," Steve said, taking a few bites out of his own.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
Steve broke it first. "How have the nightmares been?"
Loki flinched mildly. "Okay-some nights are worse than others."
"To be expected," Steve said with validation. The super soldier then added, "You know you can come to any one of us for support, right?" His blue eyes shown with concern as he prepared for rejection.
Loki instead smiled a little. "Yes, and I appreciate the notion. Thank you, captain. All of you, for everything."
Steve swallowed another bite.
"You're welcome, Loki. You've been with us for nearly six months now and you haven't tried to kill any of us during that duration which I can only say shows the progress you've made and the responsibility to act civilly amongst us. So, in turn, thank you."
"Only in jest," Loki chuckled, soon clarifying, "only in a playful manner have I threatened to inflict harm upon you mortals." His eyes expressed childlike mischief.
"You're family now." Steve uttered with compassion in his heart.
Loki nodded, feeling tickled and pink on the inside.
He had finally found where he belonged.
~#~
It was two days later when Loki found himself back on a table in the medical bay with his brother and the rest of the team eagerly standing beside him to see what the results of the test would show.
Loki felt conflicted with the hope of answers soon to come and worried that none would arrive.
He hadn't fallen ill again since his panic attack and this made him feel even more anxious.
What if there were no results? What if he had just been overreacting this whole time? Why had his body chosen to give up on him like this? Why had his body chosen to give up on him so soon after he had found his place in the universe?
He took a deep breath, and then another, trying to calm the bursts of energy rising and rising as high as hot air balloons in his stomach.
It was when Bruce finally turned to them with the paper in hand and opened his mouth to speak that Loki's heart skipped a beat as the doctor began:
"And the results show….."
A/N: Heyyyyyy everybody! I'm soooo sorry it's been SO LONG since I wrote for this fic, and this chapter was created in equal parts because an awesome, fellow writer on AO3 (Ikajo) helped encourage me to write again for this story after 7 months of radio silence AND I went on a family trip for 10 days in Germany! :O All of that time there gave me freedom from the Internet so I could think of various fanfics and write a bunch, too, hooray!
Also, hehehehe, I ended this chapter on a cliffhanger! Hope you're not too distraught from all the emotions in this update and by having to wait at the edge of your seats! Hopefully the next update won't take as long to do. :] There are also a few Easter eggs in this chapter to both canon MCU and a few of my other fics (particularly, NT and D&D-and if you squint, FrostIron, but I'll try to reel that back in some more, soon ;] )
The infinite pleasure about writing this story for me is how descriptive, meaningful and fun it is to compose. I love that I've been able to integrate hurt and comfort and humor especially among all the hardships that Loki undergoes here. I always forget how much I love this fic until I re-immerse myself in it.
Even then, I am beyond grateful that so many of you also read, follow, favorite and interact with me on this story. This one is my #1 most popular fic and I can see why! So, thank YOU guys for everything that you do! xxx
There's a lot in this chapter that I will explore in future chapters (particularly the belonging thing and family and whether not seeing Frigga more is worth what Loki gains from being with the Avengers) and we will soon arrive at the scene that spurred this entire story to begin with. Huzzah!
At the moment of typing this, I'm utterly exhausted but I will publish it tonight! Look out for updates on: D&D, IIOC and S.
MUSIC listened to when handwriting this chapter:
"Unsteady" by X Ambassadors; "Out of the Dark" by Matt Hires; "Hurt" by Johnny Cash; "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus; "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars
MUSIC for typing/editing: "Rescue" by Lauren Daigle; "She'd Say" by Andy Grammer
Handwritten: 8/13-8/17/2019
Typed & edited: 8/22 & 8/25/19