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Chapter Three: Sister Nightingale, Leliana
I am all aflutter with anticipation. It had been such a long time since I'd seen my old friend face to face, and now she was coming to Skyhold! It was all I could do to not fidget in anticipation, as letters could only say so much. I kept a watchful eye out, waiting and watching for any sign of the Inquisitor's party from the balcony of the rookery. We had so much to talk about, so much to catch up on.
When I finally did catch a glimpse of them, I nearly squealed. Taking a deep breath, I centered myself. It was surprising how easily I had reverted to a me from a simpler time. I was less, Sister Nightingale, Left Hand of the Divine and Seneschal of the Inquisition and more Sister Leliana, Bardic Friend of the Warden and Chief Competitor for her Affections.
I sighed in bittersweet rememberance.
While she did, ultimately, choose Alistair, the two of us had shared several heartfelt and passionate moments together and on one occassion, the night before the Landsmeet where we deposed Loghain Mac Tir from his position as Queen Anora's Regent, we even shared Alistair between ourselves and a rivaini pirate captain. I have to admit, if it wasn't for the strength of Ana's Force of Personality, I might have made a play for Alistair myself. As it was, the two of us had been so besotted with her from the very beginning, each vying for a dominate place in her heart, that neither one of us had taken notice of one other.
Not until THAT night at least.
Perhaps if I'd been wiser back then, the three of us could have entered into an unusual, but caring relationship beyond the one liaison we'd shared. A true menage a trios. After all, with as sweet and gentlemanly as Alistair was back in those days, he couldn't have denied Morgana anything. Both she and I working together to make a concerted effort into getting through all those years and years of Chantry indoctrination... The lucky man wouldn't have stood a chance. He wouldn't have wanted to, though I had little doubt he'd have put up a formidable resistance, at first.
Jusy thinking about THAT night made me want to fan myself, despite the nearly ever present chill in the air. How Iron Bull could talk around without a shirt on, I've never been able to figure out. Luckily, I could blame the mountain chill for the flush on my cheeks, rather than my own enflamed passions. While I was not ashamed of what had happened that night or my lingering feelings about it, I had a reputation to maintain and it had been over a decade since we'd been together. She and Alistair had been with each other emotionally for all of it, if not physically. I highly doubted they had room for me in their lives in that way after all this time.
Life, as it always did, had taken us all in different directions.
Morrigan had left us first. She had disappeared long before the Archdemon's body was even cold. As glad as we all were for her absence, none of us, not even Alistair, could take pleasure in it, due to the melancholy that had overtaken Ana when she vanished.
Wynne and Shale were the next to go and had left us immediately after the Coronation to travel. Oghren had gone then as well, but he was staying in Denerim to join the Queen's army and make a life with Felsi.
And so it was, two days after the Queen's Coronation, that Morgana, Alistair, Zevran and I had set off on a ship with Sten to make our way across the Waking Sea to travel with him to Par Vollen. Unfortunately, we had only made it as far as the Free Marches when our little fellowship had been broken up. Ana had been recalled to Fereldan to take command of a group of Orlesian Grey Wardens who had taken residence in Vigil's Keep the seat of power within the Arling of Amaranthine and former residence of Rendon Howe. Apparently, the Darkspawn in the area were behaving oddly and they wanted to brief their new Commander on the situation and figure out what to do from there.
Sten had continued on his journey home by himself. Alistair, too, went his own way- heading towards the Anderfels with a sealed chest, the contents of which I was one of the priviledged few to know of. With Zevran unwilling to put any of us in danger by traveling alone with us, he disappeared to parts unknown and I was left at loose ends- which is how I found myself back in Valence with Mother Dorothea, the future Divine Justinia V.
Shaking off the memories, I made my way down to the courtyard. I had to physically restrain myself from skipping, so powerful was the joy that filled my heart. It was if a piece of me that I didn't know was missing, was suddenly restored. I paused, however, when I saw the Commander- Cullen- walking down the stairs closest to his quarters. Apparently, he'd had the same idea I had, to meet Ana down in the courtyard entrance- though he had a troubled look on his face.
My heart went out to him.
While Alistair and I had shared a requitted attraction to the Warden-Commander from the very moment we each had met her, Cullen had been the one who held her affections, something we had been unaware of at the time, though as I look back in hindsight, it was quite obvious.
The one question that had plagued us as we were prepared to set off from Lothering was which Grey Warden Treaty to pursue first. Seeing as the dwarves weren't going anywhere and we'd not had a single clue as to where we could contact a trible of Dalish, our most pressing issues were the Arl of Redcliff's illness and the fact that Kinloch Hold had gone on lockdown- with all sorts of rumors flying about as to why it had. Alistair had desired to go immediately to Redcliffe; Ana, to the Circle Tower.
The deciding argument was that no matter the cause of the Arl's illness, neither she nor Morrigan were practicularly accomplished healers. Both knew the basics, of course, but the Arl would likely need more than the basics if the Arlessa was desperate enough to chase after old wives' tales and legends in an effort to cure her husband. Short of going back to the Korcari Wilds and employing Morrigan's mother, which Morgana, Morrigan and Alistair all unanimously agreed would be a wasted effort, their best option for healers would be Senior Enchanter Wynne- provided she somehow managed to survive the Battle of Ostagar; Mage Anders- provided the Circle was willing to let the almost guaranteed flight risk out of the tower, given that he had not only escaped from the Circle on six seperate occassions, but he had even started writing up performance reviews on the Templars sent after him, critiquing their efforts to capture him, much to the amusement of First Enchanter Irving and the irriation of Knight-Commander Gregoir; Mage Finn, who was vehemently opposed to going out doors- so much so that the Templars had to force him outside for daily exercise, until Anders' third escape from the Circle, when he swam across the lake during the daily exercise and that particular activity had been dropped completely; and Apprentice Surana, Irving's OTHER apprentice.
As our sextet- quintet if you didn't count Barkspawn (which Ana generally insisted we did) got closer and closer to the tower, and the rumors got more and more disturbing, Ana had become more and more distressed. At the time, we had assumed that it was because of the dire circumstances that her home (prision, if you asked Morrigan) had found itself in. Even still, Ana's determination to salvage whatever we could from whatever situation the Circle of Magi had found itself in had shown through. Despite this, we could all tell that she was barely holding herself together, so desperate was she to get home just to figure out what in the Maker's name had happened.
It wasn't until we'd gotten near to the top of the tower (the bottom of the stairwell leading up to the top floor, in fact) that I finally had pieced together exactly why Morgana had been so desperate to get back to the Circle. Alone in a cage of formed of pure magic was a young templar, Cullen Rutherford, who had obviously undergone torture- mostly of the mental and emotional kind, though I had observed that some physical torture had been endured by him as well.
"C-Cullen..." Morgana gasped, the field rippling as she touched it.
The expression on her face was like a punch to my gut. I was actually glad in that moment that Alistair and Morrigan had been left behind with Knight-Commander Gregoir. Alistair's heart would have broken much like mine felt like it was doing at the sight of it. And I didn't even want to think about what Morrigan's reaction to Ana having feelings for one of her jailers would have been. Descreetly checking Sten and Wynne's reactions, I was unsurprised by Sten's disapproving frown. Even to this day, I honestly couldn't understand why he stuck around back then. Wynne's reaction, however, DID surprise me. Wynne's expression was not one of either surprise or reproach, but one of pitying understanding.
Unfortunately, what happened next, had made me forever regret my jealousy of the templar in that brief moment.
"No! I will remain strong. I will not break!" Cullen had desperately vowed. "I will not allow you tempt me with the one thing I've always wanted, yet could never have... Using my shame against me..."
The conversation had only gotten more uncomfortable from there. Her pleading, begging- rather desperately even- him to come to his senses, with him repudiating her, and rather harshly at that. Even after he was finally half convinced that Ana was real and not the illusion of temptation that had been repeatedly used against him, the conversation hadn't gotten any better. If anything, it had taken a down turn as he demanded we destroy all the mages up there, regardless of their complicity in what had happened to the Tower.
Ana had returned to the Circle Tower explicitly for the sole purpose of ensuring that Cullen was alright, regardless of any reasoning she might have fed given to our merry band of adventurers, and rescuing him if need be. And there she was, on the cusp of doing just exactly that and she was being forced to choose between the man she had given her affections to, affections that had apparently been returned, if not acted upon and the innocent victims of Uldred's uprising. In that moment, Morgana had hardened her heart and had decided on the course of action they were going to take as she tightly gripped her staff in her off hand.
"I... I'm sorry Cullen, but I will not do as you ask."
Then and there, I had witnessed first hand the beginning of the transformation of Ana, the brilliant and naively sweet and shy Circle Mage into the hardened Morgana Amell, future Blight-Queller and Commander of the Grey of Fereldan, the occasionally cold and almost constantly calculating and highly obsessive, almost destructively so, battle-mage who would be capable of felling an Ogre while barely sparing it a single thought. That would come later, however, as in that particular moment, Morgana had wished to make her ire known to a certain Pride Abomination formerly known as Uldred.
Sten, Wynne and I all had to rush to keep up with her as she made her way to confront Uldred, who we had found waiting for us.
"Hello, Mouse," Morgana said in greeting. I wondered if it was a nickname for the Senior Enchanter turned Abomination, but the confusion on Wynne's face said it wasnn't so.
The Mage Formerly Known as Uldred barely got a word in edgewise, when he had been struck with a boulder to his ribs that would have most certainly have killed someone NOT possessed by a demon.
The following battle had left many in awe, myself included, as she attacked the pride demon with nearly single minded purpose, while using the Litany of Ardalla to weaken it while protecting the Fist Enchanter and his remaining apprentice, Alim Surana, amongst others, whose names I never caught.
Once Uldred had been slain, Cullen had stormed his way into the Harrowing chamber, demanding that we destroy the remaining mages while they were weak.
"That is enough, Cullen!" Morgana stated with cold fury, stepping between Irving and Alim and Cullen, glaring him into submission. "No more mages will die today. Not by my hand and certainly NOT by yours."
Alim and many of the others could only stare in wide-eyed awe of her as Ana stood up to Cullen, leveling him with a silent ultimatum that if he attempted to not do as she demanded, that she would personally see him dealt with. Cullen turned on his heal, leaving them alone with the few survivors of Uldred's depravity.
"Child, you..." Irving had started to say, only to be interupted by his former apprentice.
"Don't! Just... Don't, First Enchanter," Morgana demanded tiredly and, judging from the looks on all the mages' faces, with an uncharacteristic tone of formality. "You, Gregoir and this damned tower have already taken enough from me and I'd sooner request to be made Tranquil or join the Loyalist Fraternity before I have anything to do with you not related to you saying, 'Yes Warden Amell, I and the rest of this cursed Circle will be more than happy to aid you with the Blight since you just got done saving our asses today'!"
"Morgana Am-!" Wynna began in an attempt to scold our Warden leader.
However, Morgana was having none of it. "Today could have avoided if he'd been on the look out for actual maleficar, rather than gleefully sacrificing Jowan and Lily to get a leg up on Gregoir!"
"He was a blood mage," Irving argued.
"No, Uldred was a blood mage! Jowan was a curious fool who fell for a Chantry Sister!" Morgana ranted, "I won't deny that he likely dabbled in it, but let's face it; given what you had tasked Uldred to do, it was probably he who had brought Jowan to your's and Gregoir's attention right before he left for Ostagar and, just as likely, he was the person who introduced Jowan to blood magic in the first place! Not that either you or Gregoir actually gave a damn about any of the pertinent details, as the Knight-Commander would have been able to get the credit for rooting out a budding Maleficar before it could do any real damage right under your very nose and you would would get to embarass the Chantry and, by extension, Gregoir, for revealing that a Chantry Sister had not only betrayed her vows for a mage, but a blood mage to boot. You win, Gregoir wins, everybody fucking wins, except for Jowan who had been manipulated, betrayed and made tranquil, if he wasn't given the mercy of death, and Lily, who would hava to live with her shame and self-disgust in The Aeonar for the crime of having fallen in love with an idiot, an idiot who was my best friend and brother in all but blood!"
"Mor-" Irving tried to say, but he was cut off once more by the future Warden-Commander.
"The sooner we get back down the stairs to tell Gregoir everything has been taken care of, the less time the Rite of Annulment has the chance to arrive," Morgana stated imperiously. The rest of the mages who were not Irving, who was looking ashamed or Wynne, who was fuming at Morgana, looked distinctly uncomfortable with how their former compatriot had aired out the Circle's dirty laundry as she had. "And the sooner I can go back to saving the world from darkspawn."
"Commander," I heard Inquistor Adaar say to Cullen in concern, pulling me out of my memories. "Is something wrong? It's not like you to meet me out here at the gate."
"Ah, no, Lord Inquisitor, I..." Cullen said sheepishly, not having taken into account how his uncharacteristic behavoir might be interptreted.
"Cullen!?" exclaimed Morgana excitedly. "Maker's breath! It is you! It's been ages since we'd last seen each other!"
"I... Wasn't exactly at my best then, Warden-Commander," Cullen replied, skirting around what his reaction had been at the time.
I took in the astonished looks on the other's faces, smirking at them. No doubt she was different around them, than she was The Commander. They'd likely never saw any hint of this side of her- and possibly never would, not directed at them at least, unless they managed to gain her trust and respect, much like those who had traveled with her during the Blight or those served under her at The Vigil.
"Cullen, you're one of the last people here that needs to stand on formality with me," she scolded playfully.
"To be fair, I wasn't sure how you'd react to seeing me again," Cullen replied honestly.
She looked away from him sadly. "You were hardly the only one not at their best that day. My relationship with the Old Man was never the same after that. But as a wise friend of mine once said, 'either you have an enviable memory, or a pitiable life, to know nothing of regret'."
"Truer words," Cullen replied. "Still, I'd like the chance to put one regret behind me, if at all possible."
"I forgave you a long time ago," Morgana assured him.
"I still feel like some things need to be said," Cullen firmly stated.
"Allow me to get settled in and we'll talk," Morgana acquiesced. Cullen nodded his agreement.
I caught the Inquisitor's eye and motioned him towards me.
"What is that about?" Inquistor Adaar inquired.
I thought about what I should and would tell him. "They... They were each other's first loves, but circumstances tragically kept them apart and many things were said and left unresolved between them."
I was relieved when The Inquisitor simply nodded and didn't press further. I was already uncomfortable with the little bit I had revealed.
"Leli..." Morgana said breathlessly as she spotted me with The Inquisitor. There was seemingly a huskiness to her voice that I wasn't entirely certain was mere wishful thinking on my part.
"Ana..." I replied in kind, the two of us pulling each other into a tight hug. The kiss on the cheek, near the corner of my mouth was unexpected, but not unwelcome. I had to remind myself that she was taken- that as much as my heart was her's, her's wasn't mine as I extracted myself from her arms. I was also extra thankful that the sun had began to set and that my blush was not so easily visible.
"Maker... Is there anyone else around here that I know so I'm not caught off guard?" Morgana asked looking back and forth between me and the Inquisitor.
The Inquisitor replied, his statement directed at me. "You'd know better than I would."
I thought it over for a moment. "Dagna, who is usually down in the Undercroft and... Harding, who spends most of her time at the Herald's Rest when she's here. Maybe a couple of the rank and file soldiers that came from Amaranthine, Highever and Denerim."
"Thanks, Leli," Morgana said gratefully.
"We can talk more once you've gotten settled in. Josie's got someone waiting for you in the Great Hall to take you to your quarters," I informed her. She gifted me with a smile that warmed me and I watched her leave up the stairs.
"It looks like Cullen isn't the only one with unresolved business with the Warden-Commander," The Inquisitor observed, to my own mortification.
"It is nothing. Her heart already belongs to another, Lord Inquisitor," I firmly state in as neutral a tone as possible. "And whatever is left between us will not interfere in my duties here."
"If you want to talk, my door is open," He offers, clearly not believing that what was between myself and Ana was completely platonic. I wasn't sure I believed it either, but I wasn't entirely certain how much of that was actual fact and how much was hopeful thinking on my part. "By your leave, Lord Inquisitor."
Inquisitor Adaar nodded his permission as I made my way back up to the rookery to prepare myself for my next encounter with Morgana Amell.