Ji Hoo was feeling a little out of it. Due to the previous night and being drugged, Ji Hoo wasn't in the right state of mind to be talking to his girlfriend. As much as he wanted to be with her, feeling sick to his stomach, he knew it would be impossible. Jan Di clearly had questions that Ji Hoo couldn't answer; he had no way of knowing how to tell her. The fear he held that she might not want to be with him anymore kept him from spilling the secrets she so desperately wanted to know.
How do I explain any of this to her?
Ji Hoo sighed to himself, drooping his head temporarily as he cut the sandwiches in triangle-halves. He dropped the knife into the sink after its single use. Then, he picked up one plate—he couldn't bear to eat any food, let alone look at it—and strolled over to the dining table where Jan Di finally seated herself. She was sitting in what felt like a disappointed silence, leaving Ji Hoo to feel guilty for his outburst earlier.
"Here," he murmured, sliding the sandwich over to her as he took his seat. It was a pitiful attempt at lunch. But Ji Hoo was hardly a cook, like Jan Di or his grandfather. Being pampered all his life, he didn't know how to prepare exquisite meals. Luckily, Jan Di didn't seem to mind, as she bit into the sandwich almost immediately. A small laugh fell from his quiet lips, catching Jan Di's attention. "You shouldn't starve yourself, ever. Even if you're worried, you should still try to eat."
Jan Di swallowed her food, wiping her mouth on a napkin before speaking. "I know I love food and all, but it's hard to realize I'm hungry when I'm worried sick." She leaned back in the chair, folding her arms across her chest. "You told Woo Bin to come by, in place of you, right? And you told him you would be back last night.. Did you know Woo Bin stayed the night, because you didn't follow through on your words?"
"So what?" replied Ji Hoo, looking over to Jan Di, frowning now. "Something came up, so I wasn't able to come home one night. But I'm here now, aren't I?"
"Yes, you're here now. But did you ever think of at least telling harabeoji? He was just as worried, if not more, Ji Hoo," Jan Di told him. "Even if you couldn't tell me, you should have told him. He waited all night for you too."
"I waited for him too, Jan Di," replied Ji Hoo, staring at her in disbelief. "For the longest time, I waited for my grandfather to return to me. It took how many years?" He averted his gaze, shaking his head. "..I do my best to be perfect in every way possible. I try to be the best grandson, the best friend, the best partner. But it's not that easy. So I didn't follow through on my word yesterday, but I did today."
Jan Di stared blankly at him, blinking herself out of the brief daze. "What's going on? Why are you acting like this? What's making you talk like this.."
"These questions are!" Ji Hoo snapped, turning to look at her one final time. He combed his fingers through his hair, feeling very out of place. He swallowed thickly, sinking into the chair. Exhaustion overwhelmed him. The smell of food sickened him. And Ji Hoo couldn't help but feel lightheaded.
"Well, I wouldn't be asking these questions if you were being honest with me," replied Jan Di, shoving the plate away from her. She stood up from the table, and before Ji Hoo could stop her, she stormed out of the room.
Ji Hoo covered his face with both hands, exhaling heavily.
Jan Di was in her room when she heard a door close. She hadn't bothered to get out of her bed to check on Ji Hoo; she was far too upset and frustrated to care where he went. Instead, she laid in her bed, arms cushioning her head as she gazed up at the ceiling; feeling lost and confused. She couldn't piece her thoughts together and she couldn't figure out what actually happened. In their entire relationship, Ji Hoo hardly ever spoke to her harshly. He was gentle, always, no matter the situation. But Jan Di couldn't understand why he acted the way he did.
None of it makes sense.
It didn't help that she was alone. Instead of facing the loneliness on her own, Jan Di sat up; searching her bed for her phone. After spending minutes looking for it, she then remembered leaving it in Ji Hoo's car to which she didn't have the key for. Not giving up, she approached the bedroom door, peeking out into the hall for Ji Hoo. She then crept down the hall to Ji Hoo's bedroom, peering inside once more only to confirm that he had, in fact, left. Jan Di was slightly disappointed, feeling a tad bit guilty for having driven him out with her interrogation about the previous night. But she brushed aside that guilt and opened Ji Hoo's closet, searching until she found the webcam set up. After grabbing the webcam, she went for the laptop and headed back to her room; closing the door. She opened the laptop and set up the webcam, scanning through the contacts until she spotted Ga Eul's name. Clicking on it, another tab opened up with Ga Eul's profile picture enlarged, the words 'calling Ga Eul' beneath it. On her first try, there was no answer from her friend. But Jan Di was persistent. She sent another request for a call to her friend, and just when Jan Di thought her friend wouldn't answer, Ga Eul accepted the request and a video of her friend popped up in place of the enlarged picture.
"Jan Di?" asked Ga Eul, puzzled. "Why are you video-calling me? We usually don't do this.."
"Ah, I left my phone in Ji Hoo's car," explained Jan Di, waving at her friend. "And he's not here so I can't get it. But I was a little bored, so I thought I'd give you a call."
"Wow, that's a surprise coming from you. I think you'd be less forgetful with something as expensive as that phone. Didn't Jun Pyo buy that for you?" murmured Ga Eul.
"Yeah." Jan Di nodded her head in confirmation. "I just forgot it in Ji Hoo's car is all. Not like it's lost."
"So let's cut to the chase, Jan Di," Ga Eul finally spoke up, shifting to lay on her stomach in front of the camera. "Why are you calling me? What's wrong?"
Jan Di was taken aback by her friend's assumption. "Nothing's wrong! Why does something have to be wrong for me to call you?"
"Because you and Ji Hoo are practically inseparable. And if you weren't with him, then you would be studying for your exam coming up this week."
Jan Di groaned to herself when Ga Eul reminded her of the exams. "..I forgot all about the exam." More specifically, Jan Di wasn't in the mood to be studying. Her emotions put a hold on her studying and took control of her life.
"So tell me, what's bothering you?" asked Ga Eul. "You're not yourself."
Jan Di paused, sighing to herself while drooping her head in acknowledgment. "..Something is up with Ji Hoo."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what I said. He's acting really weird ever since yesterday," explained Jan Di. "We had a great day.. Well, I thought so at least. We went out for breakfast, spent some quality time together at a park...and drove around for a while."
"Well, that sounds great, Jan Di. But I'm confused, how is he acting weird..?" questioned Ga Eul, tilting her head slightly, in a puzzled fashion.
"That's not the weird part," replied Jan Di. "He dropped me off in the evening, and said he would be back that night. With dinner. But he never came back last night. He had Woo Bin come by instead, and we waited all night for Ji Hoo. But he didn't come home until this afternoon."
Ga Eul fell quiet for a moment, frowning now after hearing Jan Di's explanation. "He came back this afternoon? Where was he all night..?"
Jan Di didn't know what to say. She simply shrugged. "I don't know. He didn't tell me where he was.." She folded her arms, lowering her gaze slightly. "Should I know?"
"Listen, Jan Di, I'm not an expert on these things. I know absolutely nothing about relationships, I don't even know much about my own. But one thing is for certain: that is downright suspicious behavior. Maybe he has his reasons for staying out, but that's no reason to keep this information from you," Ga Eul commented, with a firm nod of her head. "You two are living together. How else are you gonna trust him if he doesn't tell you where he's at?"
"But is it worth getting into an argument over?" murmured Jan Di, sighing heavily. "Every time I ask, he gets more agitated. And every time he tries changing the subject, or insisting that he's home, I get even more frustrated. Is it worth fighting over? What if it's not that big of a deal.."
"Do you know why he's acting this way?"
"I have no idea. We've been getting along fairly well. Yesterday was...perfect," Jan Di breathed out. "We were sitting in the car, outside the breakfast diner, warming up.." He kissed me. "It went well. So I don't know what's with the sudden change.."
"Well, with your relationships, I always look to the third party. For example, your last, real fight with Ji Hoo was because of Jun Pyo. But he's not here, so I don't know what else could be setting him off.." murmured Ga Eul.
Jan Di paused. She scratched the back of her neck, puffing out her cheeks. "Well, actually.. Yesterday, Jun Pyo did call me...while I was with Ji Hoo."
Ga Eul blinked. "..Why would he call you?"
"I really don't know. For the last couple days, he's been calling and texting me nonstop. He says it's really important, but he won't elaborate further other than it's about Ji Hoo," replied Jan Di.
"Could that be the reason?" suggested Ga Eul.
"What? Ji Hoo? Upset because of Jun Pyo calling me?" Jan Di was bewildered by the thought. "No, we're all on good terms.."
"Like I said, I know nothing about Ji Hoo. But maybe he's a little jealous or suspicious as to why Jun Pyo is contacting you out of the blue?"
"..I wouldn't think that's the reason. Jun Pyo is our friend, and I've committed myself to Ji Hoo completely," replied Jan Di, shaking her head. "At this point, I really don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe living together was a step too far, because I don't want to nag him about how he lives his life. But at the same time, I don't want to be in the dark about the things he does, because when he's out for an entire night without contacting me, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know.. Maybe we're not ready to live together. Maybe my judgement was wrong—maybe we moved too quickly."
"Hey, hey—don't be so down on yourself, Jan Di. You've braved more difficult situations than this. Shinhwa High was a horror story, from what you've told me," Ga Eul objected instantly, peering closer at her computer screen. "This is just...a bump in the road, Jan Di, and I'm sure you both will get through it together."
Jan Di sighed, half to herself, half to Ga Eul. "I guess...you're right. Maybe I am overthinking it. I just wish he would talk to me about what's on his mind. It's not like him. I think that's what I'm afraid of most." That I don't know him like I thought I did.
Jan Di wasn't an expert on relationships. She hardly knew what a relationship really was, nor the expectations of maintaining one. But she knew for certain that relationships shouldn't be about secrecy. From all the tv shows, movies, and real life examples, she was well aware that secrecy lead to the end of relationships.
She didn't want that to be the case for her and Ji Hoo.
"Do you think I should press him for answers, Ga Eul?" asked Jan Di.
Her friend gave a hopeless look, shaking her head slowly. "I don't know. Only you know whether or not you should, because you know him better than I do. Maybe you should sleep on it. But whatever you do, don't give up Jan Di."
"I'll try not to." And she smiled sadly.
For the remainder of their time video-chatting, Ga Eul changed the subject, and Jan Di happily followed her lead in changing up the atmosphere. From school, to discussion of work, the two made their way to the topic of Christmas, which was approaching steadily, and a little too quickly for Jan Di's liking.
"So have you decided what you're going to get Ji Hoo?" asked Ga Eul, smiling faintly.
"Mm, not at all," groaned Jan Di, throwing her head back in shame. "I have no idea.. I'm bad at this kind of stuff, Ga Eul, and you know this!"
"That's not true," objected Ga Eul, laughing at her friend's despair. "I mean, your gifts could be thought out a little better, but it's the thought that counts, right?"
Jan Di frowned, folding her arms across her chest. "That's not good enough, especially if I end up giving a gift that will embarrass me!"
"Whatever you're going to give him can't be that bad. Just think it through, and don't overthink it like you usually do. He'll appreciate anything you give him," murmured Ga Eul, providing some kind of positivity for Jan Di who was at a loss. As if to reassure her good friend, Ga Eul smiled brightly. "I guess I'll let you go now. You have class tomorrow, so don't stay up overwhelming yourself about the inevitable, okay?"
Nodding her head in agreement, Jan Di waved to her friend briefly, sighing when the call ended. For a moment, she sat alone in silence, listening to the howling winds of winter. She stared at the black screen before closing it. Being as silent as possible, Jan Di delivered the laptop and webcam to Ji Hoo's bedroom. Before entering his room, she knocked lightly, swallowing thickly as she waited for an answer. But to her disappointment—and relief—there was no answer. She opened the door slowly, peeking through the tiny crack at first to make sure that Ji Hoo wasn't home. When she confirmed his absence, she strolled on into his room, sighing to herself as she stored the laptop and webcam away properly.
Afterwards, she lingered in his room, taking a couple steps toward his empty, but perfectly made bed. She traced her fingers across the soft fabric, unable to rid her thoughts of Ji Hoo. They persisted, worried her further. She even wondered if he were going to return home that night. She seated herself on his bed, sinking herself into the comfortable mattress; unsure of what to do or what to believe.
She didn't want to go through another heartbreak again.
"Ji Hoo!"
A voice called his name. Ji Hoo glanced over his shoulder, watching a familiar, yellow vehicle pull up behind him. Song Woo Bin exited the vehicle, approaching Ji Hoo right after with raised brows. Once Woo Bin reached him, Ji Hoo finally responded in a quiet voice.
"Woo Bin, it's good to see you. What brings you out?" he murmured.
"I could ask the same thing about you. I didn't know you liked taking walks." Woo Bin grinned faintly, but crossed his arms. "Well, there's a lot of things I don't know about you, now that I think about it."
That much was true. Considering the distance that grew between all four of the F4 members, did any of them really know each other as much as they used to? They were no longer children, messing around with each other. They were grown men, shaping their careers and lives; following their dreams and passions. Sometimes Ji Hoo wished he could go back to the past and learn to enjoy the moment. But he had to look towards the future, predict the unpredictable.
Especially if I'm to keep her safe.
A year ago, he wouldn't have seen himself living with Jan Di. Two years ago, he wouldn't have imagined falling for a girl who didn't have the name Seo Hyun. Ji Hoo sighed to himself, unable to overcome the nostalgic feeling that overwhelmed him.
"Yeah, you're right," Ji Hoo finally replied, lifting his gaze to meet his friend's. "Where are you off to?"
"Nowhere in particular. At least, not until I saw you walking down the street," said Woo Bin. "Well, I was thinking of grabbing a drink or two. I'd ask if you wanna come along, but I'm sure you'll be on your way home soon."
"Why would you assume that?" asked Ji Hoo, raising a brow.
Woo Bin was taken aback by the question. "Well… to, uh, see Jan Di, I would think. Since you two are inseparable, I just figured you'd rather spend time with her."
"Inseparable?" Ji Hoo wished such was true. But everything he knew began to unwind in front of him. He had taken the walk to figure out a way to make Jan Di feel better, to get her to understand that everything would be okay. But he couldn't bring himself to lie again. The way her smile faded away, the seconds it took for all happiness to drain from her eyes—he hated this most of all. How many times did he have to see that in her within a year? He wanted to be completely honest with her. But he also didn't want to strain their relationship by scaring her away. "Well, I have time to grab a drink, or two."
Woo Bin blinked slowly, as if he were processing what was being said. "Really?"
Ji Hoo nodded his head. "Yes, really. Does it look like I'm joking?"
"No, I just… I don't remember you being much of a drinker, if I'm being honest," replied Woo Bin, clearing his throat. Although he was clearly caught off guard, Woo Bin grinned once more, and gestured to his car. "Well, I sure as hell am not walking there." Woo Bin walked back to his car, getting in.
Ji Hoo stood still, briefly, staring blankly at the yellow car in front of him. He had a choice of changing his mind, if he wanted to. By not getting in that car, he could make the decision of going back home.
Woo Bin rolled down his window, and poked his head out. "Are you coming? Get in."
Ji Hoo forced himself to smile, and without a second thought, he joined Woo Bin in the car; climbing in on the passenger side. One way or another, he would find a way to tell Jan Di about the woman he saw. And what would happen next—the unpredictable—would be up to her.