Are you pursuing happiness or avoiding pain? I wonder…

"No, but Gentiana said that he is in Lestallum now so it is only a matter of time."

"Good," he said and then extended his arm to turn on the radio and put on a new station so he doesn't have to talk.

After a while, they stopped at the Old Lestallum outpost to finish their chores.

Squall returned with hot coffee and bagels. "Thought you would be hungry," he offered, handing over a cup of coffee to her. "Sorry, they did not have anything vegetarian here so we would have to settle for this," he added, after sitting in the car.

'Even after we fought, he is still concerned about my hunger? I am so stupid I should have never said that. After all that he has done for me, I called him a cold-blooded monster. He has cared for me more than even Noctis has, and yet I have hurt him with my words.' She thought while still holding the cup in her hand.

"Something wrong with the coffee?" he asked, as he noticed she was not drinking it.

"Oh, nothing. Sorry, I was just lost in thoughts. Thank you for this," she acknowledged politely.

He nodded and continued driving. Once again silence filled the car. For the first time since they met, they felt like a stranger to each other. They were passing through a very scenic view, but neither of them could enjoy it. Lunafreya buried herself in her book while Squall listened to the sound of silence.

Her words kept playing in his mind and it hurt.

"I'd rather be dead than be a cold-blooded monster like you. You are nothing like Noctis. You will never replace him."

'I was a fool to change. I was right all along to shut off people and guard my heart. If you never open up, you never get hurt. Nothing lasts in this world. It feels great to have friends who believe in you and friends you can rely on. That's why it's so dangerous, especially if you become used to it. Someday you're bound to lose everything. Everyone around you will be gone. Then what are you left with? Nothing. Nobody. It's so miserable. And it's inevitable. It's so hard to recover from something like that. I never ever want to deal with that again. I can't. Even if it means being alone.'

After a prolonged silence, she kept away her book and broke the ice, "Squall, how was she?"

Squall knew exactly who Lunafreya was referring to. "She is," he corrected.

"I am sorry. You are right. How is she? Tell me more about her," she urged.

Squall wasn't sure why she wanted to know about her, but decided to indulge her regardless. "She is beautiful, charming, charismatic, and she is a bundle of energy. Things are never slow or dull when she is around. She is the opposite of me; very bold and confident. She always wears her heart on her sleeves. She is kind and committed to her cause. She is an angel who can love even a monster."

More than what he said, Lunafreya was taken aback by how he said it. His expression changed. A smile graced his features. For the first time today, she saw life in his otherwise empty eyes. "She sounds wonderful."

"That she is," he agreed.

"Did you propose to her yet?" asked curious Lunafreya.

"Nope. Now that you have mentioned it, maybe I should do it next time I see her. God knows I've been away from her far too long." Proposing to his girlfriend was supposed to be a joyous thought, yet and unknown pain tugged at his heart when he said it.
Seeing him speak so fondly of her burned her heart. She knew that bring up this topic would cause her pain; however, she did not anticipate it hurting so much. She wondered if this is what jealousy feels like?

"I'll pray that she says yes," she faked a smile.

"Me too. She is beautiful and charismatic. She could choose anyone she wants," he admitted.

"Unlike me," Lunafreya muttered under her breath.

"Tell me more about Noctis," he inquired.

"He is opposite of me, shy, timid and reserve. He is extremely loyal and loves helping people. He loves animals. He hates confrontations. I haven't seen him in 12 years, so I don't know how much he has changed since then," she said thoughtfully.

"I hope you get to meet your prince soon," he said, looking at her with his emotionless mask back on his face. Only he knew how badly it hurt just to hear Lunafreya talk about him so fondly.

He turned on the radio news station once again to avoid any further conversation.

Lunafreya grabbed the book and buried herself in it again.

'I can keep complaining about the fact that I am not normal or I can embrace it. Normal people get to make choices which make them happy. Choices that I make affects the life of every living creature on this planet. Choosing Noctis means having the light in this world. Choosing Squall means having light for my heart, but darkness for everyone else. I cannot be so selfish as to sacrifice others' wellbeing for the sake of my own happiness. Even if that was not the case, Squall already loves someone. Didn't you see how fondly he speaks of her? It is neither fair nor honorable to impose my feeling on him. Maybe Gods were right after all, perhaps Noctis is the one for me. I shall not succumb to my feelings for Squall. Noctis awaits me.'

Squall noticed that Lunafreya who had a book in her had not turned a page since their last pit stop, which was a long time ago. He glanced at the book from the corner of his eyes and noticed it was upside down. "I did not know you could read upside down."

"I..." she did not know what to say as embarrassment took over.

The rest of the car ride was once again filled with silence. Lunafreya actually managed to focus and read through a few chapters of the book.

The sun was about to set when Squall pulled over the car to a Spelcrya Haven. Squall carried everything to Haven where Lunafreya unpacked it and set it up. Squall set up the tent while Lunafreya made food. It was a pretty standard routine now.

Outside of Squall's compliment on the food, the rest of the dinner was very quiet. Lunafreya blessed the Haven as Squall looked at her mesmerized. Eventually, she came and sat next to him.

Squall honestly missed Lunafreya's constant chirping, and she too missed hearing his voice and seeing his expression. It was strange that they sat next to each other yet they missed each other so much.

She looked at Squall and found him staring at the fire. His face was devoid of any emotions. She couldn't help but blame herself for this situation.

"I may be a saint for many, but I am also a sinner for I have hurt you. I am no fool Squall, I can see how much pain I have caused you."

"Am I that easy to read?" he said, running his hand through his hair. "My job was to protect you; it is as simple as that. All other complications are my own creations. It is not your fault at all."

"Stop taking all the blame. You didn't know my limits, but I did and I still fell for y..." she realized her voice was breaking. "Doing something wrong unknowingly is a mistake, but doing it in spite of knowing that it's wrong is a sin." She was fighting hard to hold back the tears, but her voice started cracking.

"Since when did caring for someone became a sin?" he asked, pocking a piece of wood in the fire.

She had no response to that.

"I am destined to be with someone else and so are you. The closer we are to each other the more it would hurt when we are apart," she confessed, staring at the flames. "Everything was so much simpler before you came in."

"I am sorry. Your life is complicated as is and it seems that I just made it a lot worse," Squall said, playing with the fire in front of him and within.

"All you did was care for me. You don't have to apologize for that," Lunafreya reassured him.

"Then why does it feel so wrong to care for you now?" he asked.

Once again, she had no answer. She cast her eyes down in defeat.

"Maybe it would be better if I kept my distance from you," he proposed, silently hoping that she would disagree.

She did not say anything in response. She brought her legs closer to her chest, wrapped her hands around them and laid her head on her knees. She looked so small, vulnerable, and innocent. All he wanted to do was to hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't. She was in front of his eyes, yet she was so far from him.

"I feel lightheaded, I need to sleep," she announced, before getting up and leaving for the tent. Squall sat there alone, wondering where did it all go wrong.

After a couple of hours, he retreated to their tent. He lay there with eyes closed waiting to succumb to sleep. He figured sleep would be the only way his rampaging mind would turn off after everything that has happened today.

His eyes were starting to get droopy when he heard Lunafreya shuffling. She said something in her sleep, which he couldn't hear. A few minutes go by before she turned around again. He turned on his cellphone light to check on her to make sure she was okay. She murmured something again, so he sat up, being concerned for her.

Suddenly, Luna screamed, "Leon." She sat upright.

Within a blink of an eye, Leon rushed to her side. All their fights, all their talk about keeping their distance, and commitment to push each other away went out of the window. "I am right here. Luna, are you okay?" he said, kneeling next to her.
She was shivering, her breathing was shallow, and she said in a frantic voice, "Leon? Leon, are you all right?"

Her concern was evident from her voice. She was sweating and seemed extremely scared. She rubbed her hand all over his face like a blind person trying to feel something. She looked at him to make sure that he was real and he was there. She rubbed her hand on his chest to check if he was okay.

Still not convinced of his wellbeing, she asked, "Are you hurt?"

"I am fine, Luna. What is going on?" he asked, trying to calm her down.

She let out a big sigh of relief. She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her. "Stay close to me. I am scared."

Leon reluctantly sat next to her, leaned against the tent wall, and placed his hands around her shoulders to comfort her. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"Yes, it was terrifying. It felt so real that I got scared. I wasn't sure if it was a vision, a nightmare or reality," she said still trembling.

"It's okay. It was only a dream. Nothing to be afraid of," he reassured her.

"I saw that you died," she revealed, on the verge of crying.

Leon rubbed his hand on her back, trying to calm her down.

"You died in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything."

Leon grabbed bottle water from nearby and gave it to her. She drank a couple of sips before returning it to him.

"I don't know where we were. I was lying on the ground and you were standing next to me. Suddenly, someone clad in black appeared behind you. As I looked at her, a faint red light started emanating from her. The red light shimmered in front of her for a moment and then in a flash, it spread all around her. She raised her hand, and the light swirled around her body and reached her hand and then to her fingertips. All the light was condensed into a single point and blue-colored ice crystal emerged from it. It grew rapidly and its shape stretched and twisted, transforming itself into a long spear of ice crystal. She then lowered her arm and hurled the ice crystal at you and it hit you right in the chest," she narrated, placing her hand on his chest right where it should have hit him.

"The ice crystal spear was so sharp that it impaled your body and protruded from the back. You gasped and tried to breathe, but you were in so much pain and anguish. The force of the impact knocked you back, and you fell to the ground, with the ice spear still embedded in your chest. When I saw you fall, I panicked and screamed your name. I guess that's when I woke up." She relayed her nightmare to him.

"I was scared, Leon. I was so so scared," she confessed, wrapping her hand around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder.

Leon patted the back of her head to calm her down. "It was just a dream. Nothing happened to me. I am fine," he tried to reassure.

"You don't get it Leon; I don't get dreams, I get visions. Was it a vision of the past or the future, I don't know. I don't want to lose you, Leon. I can't lose you," she professed, sobbing in his arms.
He stroked her head gently, "Don't worry, I am not going to leave you."

'Yet.' His mind added silently.

She cried her heart out and he let her. He sat there holding her and comforting her. They stayed like this for a long time. Even without realizing they fell asleep still clutching on to each other tightly as if their life depended on it.

The sun had long been out, but they slept in peace. Leon was the first one to wake up. He saw that Luna was still sleeping in his arms. He closed his eyes again, thinking it was a dream. He woke up after a few minutes and still found her in the same position.

"Someone punch me now, because pinch is not enough for this one," he said, to no one in particular.

His words seem to have woken her up. She opened her eyes laboriously and found herself in Leon's arm. She said with eyes still half-closed, "Is this is a dream or a nightmare?"

He gently pushed her off and sat up.

"What happened last night?" she asked, sitting up, still rubbing her eyes. Her throat was bone dry so she grabbed the bottle next to her and took at a big sip.

"We fought all day yesterday, then decided to stay away from each other, you were scared by a nightmare and then we ended up sleeping together-" he summarized the whole day's event in a nutshell.

She choked on her water and ended up spitting out water. She spread a mouth full of water all over Leon's face in comical fashion upon hearing the words, 'we ended up sleeping together.'

She quickly looked down to check her clothes, and it further verified that Leon did not mean what he just said. Looking at his expression, she figured he had still not caught on to what he just said either.

Leon's face was dripping with water. If looks could kill, she would be six feet under by now.

"I am sorry," she apologized, squinting one eye and raising her hands defensively.

Leon grabbed her scarf and wiped his face with it.

"Hey, that's my scarf!" she yelled, trying to yank her scarf back from him.

"That's your water on my face," he pointed, tugging the scarf back and cleaning his face.

"Give it back." She pulled on it again, but his grip was too strong. He tugged back forcefully this time, and she fell on him. She was back into his arms, a position which was awkward yet extremely comfortable at the same time. If they could freeze time, they wouldn't mind being in this moment forever.

"We should get ready," Leon said nervously, gently pushing her off.

"Yes," she affirmed, pushing a strand of hair behind her ears.

They grabbed their necessities and walked to the closest water body nearby. Even though they didn't talk much, their silence was comforting for once. They took turns on guard duty, as normalcy seems to return to their routine.

Luna wore a shin-length pink dress that buttons up the front and a red bolero jacket. She had brown boots and metal bracers on her wrists and a leather belt around the edges of her jacket sleeves. She also adorned a flower necklace with a pearl in the center on a leather ribbon. A large pink ribbon held her hair in place.

Squall wore indigo pants with a sleeveless shirt and a belt. He had a dual-layered metal pauldron over his left shoulder, a brown belt with the lion symbol, brown fingerless gloves, and black boots.

After packing everything up they resumed their journey. Neither dared to speak about events from last night, so they continued their journey quietly. Eventually, Luna decided to put some music to break the long-standing silence.

High dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash cause we both know how this ends
Our clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

"Gods seem to have a peculiar sense of humor. The song is right on the nose," she said with a facepalm à la Leon. Leon just shook his head in disbelief as the words of the song resonated with both of them.

'These past few days have been like a roller coaster. Ever since you came, my life has been turned upside down. Things I used to fear, I enjoy it now. Things that were easy and simple are impossibly complex now. Being with you brings me immense joy and insufferable pain. I don't know if I should embrace you because of the joy that you bring to my life or push you away because of the intense pain it brings me. The more I stay with you, the more I want to be with you and that is not possible for either of us. If we continue down this path, we know we will certainly crash, but neither of us want to get off this ride.'

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Their eyes meet and everything their words couldn't say was understood by their hearts.

'Ever since I was a kid, I have always hated getting attached to anyone. When you get attached to someone, they become a part of your memories and your heart. So, when they are gone you not only lose them, but you also lose a part of yourself. They leave behind the lingering pain and a void that can never be truly fulfilled. I thought that if I push you away, it would hurt less when I would have to eventually leave you. But yesterday I realized that I am already attached to you, a lot more than I should, and pushing you away made me more miserable now. It is one thing to be torn apart because of circumstances, but here I was actively tearing us apart and that hurt me more than anything else. In an attempt to prevent pain in the future, I am creating more pain now.'

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

Leon had a weary smile on his face when those lines played. They both recollected events of yesterday as the song played on.

'I know it's a cliché but you don't realize the importance of something until you lose it. Yesterday, in my dream when I lost you, I realized how much you mean to me. I was scared, I got frantic, and I was losing my mind. That was not a normal reaction. Even after I woke up, I clung onto you as if my life depended on it. I realized that if I am not willing to let go of you even in my dreams, then why am I pushing you away in reality? Even though I know how this will end, the more I try to push you away, the more I fall for you.'

Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

"Just turn off the song," Leon suggested as it was causing too much cognitive dissonance.

"No, let it finish." She slapped away his hand.

'If I walk away from you, then I'll be stuck in this unknown world. If I walk with you, then I might not want to go back to my world, because slowly but surely you are becoming my world. You are the source of my pain, yet you are the only one who can heal me. I'll be hurt if I stay away from you and I'll be hurt if I say with you. There is no winning in this situation. If I know I am going to lose in the end, then why am I even playing this game? Why are you playing this game? This is insanity.'

Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?
Why are you my clarity?
Why are you my remedy?
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
~ Clarity by Zedd

"Knowing our future, staying with you hurts, but so does pushing you away. I don't know what to do anymore," Leon finally spoke up as the song ended.

After taking a deep breath Luna responded, "Everyone who is born will die someday. But does the fear of eventual death prevent us from living? Even though people know that they will die someday it does not deter them from seeking happiness, comfort, love, and passion. If anything, it is this scarcity of finite life that gives it meaning and makes every moment worth living. If we have a limited time on this earth, then why not make the best out of it? Why not make every moment count? So why should this be any different? Just because we are destined to be apart in the future does that mean we should start to stay apart now?"

"It is different because you don't feel guilty for living your life. But this," he said, pointing at each other, "this I feel guilty about. I don't know why, but somehow it feels wrong."

"I concur with your thoughts. Wish as I may, deviating from my duties, feels wrong to me as well. I guess we are at an impasse now. Can't live with each other, can't live without."

Author's Notes:

Is Luna's dream a vision from the past or future? Any guess?

Please leave a comment if you've enjoyed the story so far. To all my ninja reads at least say 'Hi'. Thanks :)