CHAPTER 3

SUMMER'S DREAMS

Aihara Shigeo, true to his word, had rather quickly found a new house for them to move in. And from the Irie's large home, the father and daughter had transferred to a small, modest house within walking distance to the nearest train station and to Fugoyoshi — but in the opposite direction from Tengachaya, the affluent neighbourhood where the Iries lived.

Both were glad that this meant a separation from the Iries — Kotoko because she feared she would not be able to maintain her resolve to forget Irie Naoki if she accidentally saw him or any of his family, and Shigeo because he wanted to spare his little girl the further mortification and pain that he knew would come if she had to watch the Irie-Oizumi courtship continue to unfold. It was close enough for him to still meet up with his friend Shigeki-san occasionally, but far away enough to ensure that there would be no accidental run-ins betwee Kotoko and Irie Naoki, Shigeo had congratulated himself silently.

The night they had moved in to the new house, Kotoko wearily unpacked her clothing in her new room. Looking around at the bare empty space, Kotoko felt both sad and relieved. It was certainly much smaller than her room at the Irie's house — but at the same time. — it was empty, empty of things which would remind her of her former life — to her it was like a blank canvass that Kotoko could paint with the colours of her new life.

Arranging her textbooks on the shelf, she idly thought about quitting university altogether. Kotoko did not know of Naoki's plans post his wedding but she assumed he would at some point return to school to complete his business degree. And she did not want to see him and be reminded every day of her loss. While she had been strong enough to say goodbye, she knew she was afraid that seeing him often would shake her resolve. Anyway, everyone she knew always said she was stupid — what was the point of continuing on? What could a Baka like her hope to gain? Perhaps she would be better off waitressing at her father's restaurant or better yet, finding a job away from Tokyo and all its bad memories.

Kotoko had already decided she would speak to her father that night and gauge his views on the matter when she heard her father come in. Finishing her task of putting away the last few items of clothing, Kotoko decided to speak to him immediately as soon as he settled in, hearing her father bustling about in the the small kitchen. A few minutes later, Kotoko went to look for her father and ask to speak to him about school — but entering the kitchen, she saw him slumped down on the dining table, his head pillowed on his folded arms and lines of fatigue and worry etched on his face and an empty disposable cup of instant ramen in front of him. When had he gotten so old? she wondered — and then she was immediately struck by guilt. She knew that many of the lines on his face were caused by his worries over her. It was ironic really, she thought, that a well-respected chef was reduced to eating instant ramen in his own home. And she felt worse guilt, she knew he worked so hard partly because her school fees were so expensive.

At that moment, Kotoko realized she could not quit school over a broken heart, over a boy who never wanted her or respected her.

All her life, Shigeo had often told her to keep at it, to continue to work hard in school even when she was always in the lowest class, even when she would look at her schoolbooks and only see a mess of indecipherable images and letters — when everyone had told her she was a baka, her father always encouraged her. He had been so proud that he had cried when she was accepted into university because he had never been able to even dream of a college education himself. And his fondest wish was for his only child to finish school, to work not with the sweat of manual labor like he had done all his life, but to get a university degree like he never had, and to ensure a future for her that was not reliant on another person.

She knew he worried about leaving her alone when he passed away — they had no other close relatives — and she knew this was why her father worked so hard at the restaurant and scrimped and saved on his own needs just to be able to afford a university education for her.

She could not kill his dream just because her own had died.

With a resigned sigh, Kotoko shook her father awake and said goodnight as he shuffled off to his bedroom after a long day on his feet at the restaurant.

So the next day, Aihara Kotoko put away her sadness and put on an impassive face, a look of fierce determination as if going off to battle. She would NOT quit. She would do better and make her father proud. She would show every single person who had called her stupid and worthless that they were wrong.

It was this way that the young woman walked resolutely through the gates of Tonan University, her bag clutched protectively against her as if it were armor that would protect her from the stares and whispers that she could feel stinging like nettles on her skin as soon as she reached the vicinity of the university.

It was the week after the Oizumi-Irie engagement had been announced in the society pages and plastered all over the websites of several popular newspapers. Many of the people in Tonan had been witnesses to Kotoko's turbulent (and to them vastly entertaining) and singleminded pursuit of Irie Naoki, resident genius. In actuality, many of them felt empathy for the young woman — Kotoko was loud and clumsy and had the tact of a rampaging rhinoceros in her efforts to win Naoki but there was something so earnest and sincere about her that had won her silent support.

Nonetheless, in her current state of mind, the young woman couldn't differentiate the looks of sympathy from the looks of derision. To her mind, everyone was laughing at her and all the whispers were commentaries on just how publicly and humiliatingly she had been rejected. It was worse than high school. For one, she could not chalk up her feelings as teenage infatuation and dismiss it with a laugh, and for another, in Tonan High she had had the support of her section F classmates whereas at the university, there were so many more people and so few of her friends.

Jinko and Satomi had been waiting for their friend just past the gates, they had known of the Yuino, had read the news features with a horrified fascination and were worried about their friend who had been avoiding them — avoiding everyone really – since Irie Naoki's engagement had been announced. But Jinko knew that Kotoko had an exam which she could not miss this day and so she and Satomi had decided to stake out the gates and ambush Kotoko — whether she wanted to be comforted or not.

"Kotoko!" Satomi called out, the two friends rushing towards the young woman.

"Youuu poooooor thing…" Satomi called out (rather dramatically) and quickly engulfing Kotoko in an expansive embrace. "Come here…."

Ushering Kotoko away quickly from curious passers by, neither Jinko nor Satomi noticed that Kotoko was actually calm and composed — certainly not the blubbering mess or unresponsive zombie that she had alternated between in previous instances when drama with Irie Naoki related drama had stricken her.

Finding an unoccupied bench behind some trees in the quad, the three girls sat. Jinko and Satomi exchanged glances, this had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time — confronting Kotoko and asking for details — but now that they were actually here, and Kotoko seemed, for lack of a better word — normal, the two friends were unsure how to start. In the end, it was Kotoko who made the move for them.

"I'm sorry I've been out of touch…" she began calmly, though her hands twisted and re-twisted the straps of the bag on her lap. "It has just been hectic moving the new house…and I have been working at my Outosan's restaurant as well. But the spring break is over so I'll be seeing you more often."

"Kotoko…are you…ok?" Jinko asked timidly, treading carefully, afraid to set-off Kotoko's well known tendency toward histrionics. To her shock, Kotoko merely smiled a sad little smile, but without a trace of the hysteria that she had been expecting, merely patted her friend's hand.

It was strange – she had been expecting to comfort Kotoko — not the other way around.

"Don't worry about me, I'm really ok." Kotoko assured her friends, even mustering a small smile.

"But what about….what are you going to do about…" Satomi stuttered unable to say the dreaded words.

"Irie-kun's wedding?" Kotoko finished for her, (inwardly congratulating herself for her calm steady response) "Nothing. It's not my business to interfere Satomi. Irie-kun has made his choice and I realized that I have made mine too —- he chose Oizumi-san and I…I chose myself."

"Huh?" Jinko and Satomi almost comically chorused, confused and very taken aback at how calmly Kotoko seemed to be taking the whole thing.

"I chose myself." Kotoko explained, trying to express to her friends why she felt like she had grown up overnight.

"I realized that you can't force love…I can't keep pushing my love on Irie-kun when he never wanted any part of it. And even if we had gotten together, would I have really been happy for long with someone who not only did not love me, but was just tolerating me? Maybe in the beginning, when it would have all been new and exciting…but love, to survive has to be reciprocated don't you think? And while I love..loved him very much, I don't think even I have enough love to sustain us both." Kotoko paused, and was silent fo a moment, seemingly lost in thought.

"I need to stop — I need to listen to my head more than my heart and I can't listen to false encouragement that he will eventually love me too. I guess.. that was my problem, I only chose to see and hear what I wanted to see and hear — even when Irie-kun himself was directly telling me he had no feelings for me."

At that point, it finally sank into her friends minds that Kotoko was different this time — this wasn't going to be one of her usual declarations of getting over Irie Naoki, only to backslide into adoration at the merest sign of attention from the cold hearted young man. Or indulge in a fit of dramatic despair to evoke his pity and attention.

"I guess I've finally accepted that that he can't love me — how could he? When I don't even love myself? And so, I chose myself — I've wasted four years of my life chasing after the wrong dream."

Tears were slowly making their way down Kotoko's cheeks despite her brave smile and her two friends found themselves crying too.

Jinko and Satomi realized guiltily that they themselves, were willing accomplices to Kotoko's obsession. Although there were times that they had tried to discourage Kotoko, there were equally as many times that they would accompany her to stalk him, and encourage her to fight for his love. On the times Kotoko had voiced her intention to give up on Irie, she guiltily remembered never having believed her friend, and instead teased her or even dissuaded her. Giving her false hope because she had bought into the whole shoujo -manga-fairytale of the stoic hero who was actually just hiding his love for the stalwart but determined heroine.

Reaching for Kotoko's hand, Satomi made a silent vow to herself that she would help Kotoko however she could.

"What are you going to do?" Satomi asked.

"I'm going to figure out what to do with my life — I think…I KNOW there is a better dream out there for me. Anyway, I'm one of the very few people in our year who still hasn't declared a major. I always figured I wouldn't really need a job — I always dreamed only of being his housewife right? And so..I never really thought about what I wanted to do." Kotoko replied. "But I'm going to figure it out and I'm going to work my hardest to get it."

Satomi hugged her friend. This strange new creature with Kotoko's face and voice — but who was not the Kotoko they had known or were expecting — it was someone she wanted to get to know all over again. Someone that she realized she admired. Someone that she wanted to help in whatever she could – and she knew Jinko felt the same way. She would stop being an enabler — the wrong kind of enabler. And if Kotoko was determined for forget Irie Naoki and move on with her life, she would be there — the same way she had been since they first became friends in the first grade playground so many years ago.

"Is there anything we can do?" She asked.

"Well….there is one thing…" Kotoko said, finally smiling for the first time. "I want to change…do you think you could help me?"

"A make over?" The fashionable Satomi smiled naughtily.

And in a moment of levity, the three friends laughed and embraced.

"Gambatte Kotoko-San!" Jinko said, and with a promise to meet on the weekend, the three parted.

After excusing herself from her friends, Kotoko went to her building to take her scheduled exam. She had studied very hard for the test but as usual, it was difficult. It was not that she didn't know the answers — she always had difficulty when she had to transfer the information in her head to the test paper in front of her. Over the years, she had learned that she learned better when she was listening to someone explaining or diagramming the information, when she could see in outlines or illustrations how the information related to each other — rather than trying to learn it by herself from a book.

Perhaps that was why she was able to reach the top 100 that one time because HE had, despite his annoyance, persistently repeated, drew and diagrammed the material for her. Despite how it had turned out, Kotoko thought that those were some of her fondest memories with….Kotoko shook her head and concentrated on finishing the paper in front of her.

She had made an appointment to the see the guidance counsellor after the test to ask for help in determining her major — she couldn't be late, it wasn't the time to indulge in reminisces and certainly, she had already decided that she would stop reminiscing about Irie Naoki. She realized she would never get over him unless she ruthlessly stopped thinking about him — and Aihara Kotoko, for all her faults, when she decided to do something, would accomplish what she set out to do.

Finally the bell rang and the professor collected the papers and Kotoko set off for the guidance office in the Psychology Building.

Kotoko arrived at the guidance office with several minutes to spare — Mrs. Suzuki, the guidance counsellor was still with the previous appointment, so Kotoko sat in the waiting room where she was told to wait. Too anxious to sit still, Kotoko decided to walk around the room, idly reading the announcements posted on the notice board when her eyes were drawn to a specific poster.

"Do you have difficulty expressing yourself even if you know the answer? Are you uncomfortable with reading aloud or speaking in public? Have you always struggled in school? Do you have problems recalling written directions or sequences of events? If you have had any of these experiences, you may be a candidate for the Davis Special Education Program. Talk to us now!"

Reading the poster, Kotoko felt as if it were written for her specifically — and noticed that the contact person was none other than Suzuki-sensei who she was scheduled to meet.

Just then, Dr. Suzuki's assistant came into to the room to tell Kotoko it was her turn — and quickly grabbing a handout from the pile beneath the poster, deciding then and there that she would speak to Suzuki-sensei and find out about this Davis Program.

Her heart pounding with what she didn't realise then – was hope, Kotoko quickly followed the assistant to Dr. Suzuki's office.

Little did the young woman know that that quick decision, that lucky accident of fate of her reading the poster, of coming a bit early to her appointment — would change her life forever.

AUTHOR'S NOTE : I have decided to see where this story would take me – the reviews from the 2nd chapter were an immense boost and highly encouraging. So please stay with me (and Kotoko) on this journey of self-discovery and growth. I would appreciate your reviews as always. Love, Daphne