A/N: I very rarely make song recommendations but listen to 'This Town' by Kygo, featuring Sasha Sloan, while reading this. It really sets the mood.
stargazer
"Let's get out of this town," she whispered, leaning over him on the couch, her long teal hair tickling his face. He put aside the book he was reading. "I don't want to just stay here for the rest of my life. There's so much more to see. Everyone else is settling down. I'm not ready."
"I know," was all he said. She frowned at him, hoping he would add on, but he sighed and looked down onto his lap, wondering what he could tell her. He couldn't beg her to stay again. She was tired. He was tired too. She poked his cheek when he didn't answer.
"Where will you go this time?" he asked, searching her eyes. She hesitated. He prayed, for just one second, that she would change her mind and decide to stay here with him.
"I don't know. Anywhere," she finally told him, and the confidence came back to her and her green eyes lit up with the excitement and adoration that he knew and loved. He never knew it would hurt so much to see her being herself.
"What's wrong with this town?" he asked her one day. He had listened to her explain before so many times, but he loved to hear the passion in her voice, even if it hurt to hear.
"Nothing ever changes here," she answered, her fingers dancing over his hand. He flipped his hand and caught hers, and she let him catch her. He didn't know how many more times he could keep her with him before he had nothing left to catch.
People said that if you loved something, you should let it go. And if it was meant to be, then it'd come back. He didn't know if she would come back though. He was afraid to release her because he didn't know if she'd turn back to look at him. Did that mean he didn't love her?
"I can change for you if change is what you want," the words slipped out of his mouth. She cried out in shock and shook her head, capturing his face between her delicate hands.
"No. You're the last thing that should ever change. I never want you to change," she made him promise that he'd always stay the same. She smiled. "I love you, Len."
"I love you too," he answered, an automatic response. But not enough to let you go.
He couldn't up and go. There was too much here, too much he would leave behind. His family, his friends, his house where he grew up, the people in this town. He couldn't.
He couldn't lose her. She was the one person who made his life worth living. She made all the difference in his world. When she smiled, he trembled. He could see stars in her eyes.
She wanted to go. She was wild and unrestrained, young and free. She was his girlfriend, but she was also a wanderer, too curious to be tied down, too active to settle. He wanted to stay. He was comfortable where he was, and he never wanted to leave. He wanted the warmth and comfort of a stable home. He wanted to see familiar faces and familiar sights.
They were incompatible. They should never have met. But they already knew each other, and they fell in love before they could sort out their differences. And she had compromised. He knew she was becoming more and more unhappy.
The last time she left, she didn't come back for five months. Each time she left, she went for longer and longer periods, and Len pined. All he could do was stare at the postcards she sent him while hoping that she would tell him she was coming back the next day.
She would call him once, maybe twice a week. And he wondered if there would come a day where the calls stopped, the postcards stopped, and she'd stop coming back.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" his students asked. He smiled, though the question sent a pang through his chest. He nodded, and they made little sounds of wonder and excitement. "Is she pretty?" they asked.
He thought of bright green eyes the colour of summer leaves and teal hair that felt like silk against his fingertips. He thought of long legs and slender fingers and a smile which broke his heart every time he saw it. "The prettiest girl in the world," he answered. They thought he was saying it just because. But he meant every word.
"Can we meet her?" they asked. He smiled again, a sad little thing. He wished he could meet her too. But he didn't say that aloud.
"She's always travelling. Maybe next time," he shushed them and went on with his lesson.
When he looked into her eyes, he saw mountains and faraway places he'd never been to. Places where he couldn't possibly exist. And that frightened him. He was slowly disappearing, fading into nothing. But she blinked and suddenly he could see himself again.
"Tell me about your journey this time," he told her. She laughed and showed him pictures. She recounted her experiences backpacking through exotic countries, a trip across a lake in an old Chinese junk, paper lanterns and night markets, mysterious men who bowed to her and flavoured their food with the strongest spices. A faraway life so unlike his own.
"Did you receive my postcards?" she asked. He refused to tell her where he kept them. She found them herself, scattered throughout his house, little mementoes proving that she existed.
"Why don't you come with me next time?" she played with his fingers, looking up at him. He was reading another book. She leant over and took the book out of his hands, and he glanced up at her. He was afraid to tell her that his heart ached every time he saw her.
"I can't…not this year," he shook his head. "It's a busy year at school. And I can't leave during the school term. I need to teach," he stroked her hair as she leant her head against him, sighing. She was disappointed. He was disappointed with himself for disappointing her.
"When will you ever have time?" she asked wonderingly, half-jokingly. He shrugged. He didn't know, and he wouldn't ever know. Time wasn't the problem. He was the problem.
She stroked his cheek. "I love you, you know," she nuzzled against him. He snorted, and she smacked his chest, laughing. "Serious. I love you more than anything. More than you know."
"Would you stop travelling if I asked you to, then?" he asked, the question slipping out before he could think about it. She stopped and stared at him, her green eyes dead serious. He hoped that he hadn't said the wrong thing. He didn't want to argue over this.
"I love you because I know you won't ask me to do that," she relaxed, curling up against him again. His chest ached. He wrapped an arm around her, not having the heart to deny her. She thought too highly of him. He wasn't selfless enough to not try and keep her here.
But he didn't want to see that look of disappointment on her face again, so he kept his mouth shut and stroked her hair until she finally fell asleep.
"Where do you want to live then?" he asked while she was brushing her hair, peering at her reflection in the mirror. She paused and turned towards him, a thoughtful look on her face.
"Somewhere with an ocean view," she answered. "And as long as you're there with me, I don't care about anything else," she put down the brush, walking towards him. "All of our friends are getting married now. But we're still kids, you know. If you think about it."
"We're twenty-four, Miku," he reminded her. "We're not children anymore."
She laughed and shook her head. "You only stop being a child when you stop believing in yourself," she told him. And he thought that she might be saying the truth.
Once in a while, he thought he could get by without her. She'd been gone for three weeks. He was doing well. He hardly thought about her, and his students kept him distracted.
But night came and he saw her everywhere, in the shadows and corners of his house, in the clothes she left behind in the wardrobe, in his dreams where she was there and she was laughing at him like how she always did. But she wasn't there.
She didn't call him for a month. He was frantic with worry. But when she finally said that she was coming back tomorrow, he stayed up late all night, hoping to meet her.
His alarm rang, trying to wake him up, but he slammed the snooze button repeatedly. He was tired from waiting. But she wanted him awake, so she pulled at his arm, trying to get him up. "Wake up, Len. Wake up. It's a beautiful day today," she told him. His eyes opened.
She was in his room, but she hadn't been here for two months. He must be dreaming because she was never there. But she leant over and kissed him until he sank into her touch and forgot how to breathe.
"No. Stop. Don't tell me," he interrupted her when she began to talk about her experiences again, rattling off the names of lands he'd never been to, people he had never met.
She blinked, confused, but she listened. She sat on the bed next to him. "Why are you staring at nothing?" she asked. He was sitting alone in the darkness. He didn't know what to feel.
"I don't know. I'm just sitting here," he told her. She wriggled so that she was right next to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. His own arm was draped across her shoulders.
"Are you okay?" she asked instead. His body was tense and stiff.
"Just not in the mood to cuddle right now," he answered. She nodded in understanding and tried to get up from the bed. But he refused to let her go.
She was due to leave in five days. He broke down. "Don't leave. Please," he heard himself beg, and he hated it. She stopped, turning to stare at him.
Do you know what you're asking? He could read the question in her gaze. It almost sounded accusatory. He knew, he knew and he still asked. He would never forgive himself for that.
"I'll come back quickly this time. Three months. That's all. I promise," she caught his face between her hands, her voice quick and hushed. "I'll call more, I'll send you letters."
But he shook his head. "It's not enough," he told her. "It's not enough…" he repeated his words, and he sounded like a broken record. He wished he could stop himself.
She gave him a long look, but she said nothing. In the end, she turned and left the room, and he closed his eyes, holding his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do.
"Len," he heard her say his name, and he turned slowly, wondering where this was going. He was so afraid of losing her. She stared at him, then suddenly she sighed and approached him, looping her arms around his waist.
He was confused. "I love you because you speak your mind," she told him. He just nodded, unsure where this was going. "And I always knew you hated it when I left. But we have to live somewhere near the ocean. And we still need to travel at least once a year," she made him promise. He nodded again, still confused.
"Oh, come here," she laughed and pulled his face down towards her. He kissed her, closing his eyes, still not knowing what exactly was going on but allowing himself to sink into her anyway. He still didn't know if she would leave or not. But at least she was here.
"Congratulations, Len! When's the wedding?" he spluttered when his sister showed up at his house, holding a bottle of champagne, her blue eyes sparkling.
"What wedding?" he asked, confused. He didn't know anything about a wedding.
"Don't play dumb. I know you and Miku are getting married soon! You need to tell me everything!" Rin enthused, waving her bottle of champagne around.
At that moment, Miku came down the stairs, and her eyes lit up when she caught sight of Rin. Rin cheered again. "Congratulations!" she exclaimed. "And thanks for the invite, Miku!"
"I'm not getting married!" Len repeated, this time desperate. He had no idea what was going on. His girlfriend gave him a steady look, putting down Rin's bottle of champagne.
"You asked me not to go, Len. Isn't this what you meant?" she asked, blinking at him. His mouth opened and closed like a fish, the shock of the situation leaving him speechless.
She giggled. "I guess we should make it official, then. Len, will you marry me?" she asked, and her voice was completely serious. He still didn't know what to say, looking at her and his sister, wondering if this was all part of a dream.
The silence stretched on, and the bright smile on Miku's face began to wilt. His heart hurt to see her upset, and before he knew it, "yes" had tumbled from his lips. Miku laughed and ran to him, throwing her arms around his neck, and he held her, burying his face in her hair.
Rin seemed amused. "That's a nice way to do things, Miku. I'll let the rest of our friends know," she promised, walking out of the house and leaving them alone. Miku looked up at him, her arms still wrapped around his neck.
"Remember, we're going to live somewhere near the ocean, okay? Even if we don't move away from here, I don't want to live in the city. It has to be somewhere nice. Peaceful."
He nodded. "Anything for you," he whispered. His chest was light, and he was happy.
"Do you have a girlfriend?" his students asked again.
"A fiancée," he corrected them. The word was still new and fragile on his tongue. He was unused to saying it. "And she's the prettiest girl in the world."
"Can we meet her?" they asked. He could see the excitement on their faces. He pretended to consider, then finally he smiled.
"She's travelling right now before we get married next month. Maybe someday."