Basilisk,
I'm not really sure where to begin with this as I've never been the sort to explain my feelings with my own words but I'm going to do my best.
When we first met, I didn't like you. Obvious, I know. Though I'm sure you didn't like me much either. We've had our spats and fights over the years, so often that I didn't think either of us would've expected this type of outcome. I surely didn't think that I would be able to gain such feelings for you but I did, and it's not something that I would ever regret. The time we shared together, despite it being so short, was honestly the best part of my life and I like to think that it was the same for you.
You may think I'm crazy for having fallen for you in such a short amount of time but when you really think about it, it's not all that crazy is it? Being with you makes me feel things I've never felt before. I can't really describe it well but being with you has made me believe that such a term as 'forever' can exist if you really want it to. I never believed in forever because everything came to an end eventually, sure some things might last a lifetime but not forever. Forever seemed to never actually exist.
Until I realized I loved you.
When I realized I loved you, genuinely, I also realized that I wanted to have my own forever. With you and with you only. Being with you, it's like time will never end. Like we'll have forever and then some, just the two of us. I want that, and I have a feeling you want it too, despite your rejections. You're probably thinking that I sound so cheesy and that I'm an idiot or something, but I truly do love you.
I'm not sure what your fears or worries may be about what might happen to us if we decide to walk together, but just know that I would absolutely do anything for you. For us. My loyalty is yours and I hope that you will accept it.
If there is a chance you feel the same way about me, then meet me at the archway near the Hogwarts express before it leaves for the holidays. I'll be there waiting for you but I'm afraid for the sake of my own heart and well-being, this will be the last time I will wait. Our future, and my heart, are in your hands now. I trust you.
I love you.
-Snitch
By the time Draco had finished reading the wrinkled letter, he was trembling and blushing something fierce. He read the letter over again, holding his breath when he read the last 'I love you.' Merlin, he could almost hear Harry's voice when he read it and it was making his stomach twist with a roar of excitement he'd never felt before. With a somewhat dreamy-like sigh, Draco laid back onto his bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to digest everything all at once.
Harry loved him. Harry loved him. It was a bloody miracle that Harry fucking Potter could ever fall for someone like him. Draco had never wanted things to go as far as they had but yet, here they were. Stuck in the same mess that they had been in before. And again, it was entirely Draco's fault for putting them in such a position even though he knew better.
"But of course," Draco stared at the ring on his left hand and touched it gently with his thumb, watching the swirling white wisps in it, "It's not like Harry would remember that time we shared anyway."
The door to his room suddenly opened and Draco sat up quickly, tucking the letter behind his back. He turned his head and when he saw it was Blaise, his best friend, he relaxed his tense posture. Blaise looked at him for a moment before he walked into the room, not bothering to ask for his permission. Even though he had his usual monotone look, Draco could tell that he was vaguely annoyed about Harry giving him the letter earlier that day. Even though he had accepted Draco for who he was a long time ago, he was still struggling to come to terms with Harry being the one he was involved with.
"You alright?" He asked after he closed the door behind him. Draco saw him glance at the parchment in his hand, "You've been up here for a while."
"Aw, were you worried about me?" Draco teased, trying to lighten up the mood. Blaise blinked slowly, his expression not changing. "I'm fine, just-" he looked at the letter again, his heart jumping again when he read those three little words. "-thinking."
"About?" Blaise asked, even though he clearly knew the answer already.
"Everything," he answered somewhat sourly, "About how I fucked up so badly and I have no idea how I'm going to get myself out of this one without fucking things up even more."
"Well, you do have a tendency to make bad situations even worse," Blaise stated simply before walking over to the bed. He sat at the edge, looking at the letter once more. "Mind if I have a look?"
Draco hesitated for a moment but handed the letter to him without a word and he quickly began to read. He was the only one he could trust with his secret. No one else knew about Harry or about his sexuality. Being gay was already frowned upon in the wizard community but being gay and a pureblood? Well, at that point you were practically asking to be disowned and shunned for the rest of your life. But when it came to Blaise, Draco knew he could depend on him for anything. They'd been friends from before Hogwarts and were like brothers. If it came down to it, Draco would trust Blaise with his life.
"Typical gryffindor, they are such emotional beings." Blaise commented before giving him back the paper, "Already using the l-o-v-e word?" Draco nodded slowly, closing his eyes. He laid back down and groaned loudly, rubbing his face with his hands.
"Merlin, I fucked up," he said from behind his hands, "I just had to go mess around with him again didn't I? I just couldn't leave him alone and now here we are. Again."
"Oh please," Baise scoffed loudly enough that Draco peeked at him from behind his fingers, "You've been moping ever since the 'incident' between you two last year and now that you're back with him, you've been so..perky." He grimaced slightly at the word before continuing, "Besides, you've been given a second chance to not screw things up this time, so don't screw things up."
"It's not that simple."
"It is actually."
"Blaise," Draco said seriously, sitting up, "Believe me I'd want nothing more than to be with him. Truly, I do. But I can't and you already know why. Besides if Harry knew what I did-what I had done to him-I don't think he would ever forgive me for something like that."
Draco hung his head shamefully, looking off to the side as he remembered back to fourth year when the Dark Lord had returned. He had been so stupid, so afraid, and he had allowed his fear to take control over him for just a moment. In just a single moment he'd ruined the best thing in his life at the time. It was entirely his fault and Harry, who was practically a saint, had to suffer because of it. He looked at his ring again, the white wisps shining brighter than before. He clenched his eyes closed, not wanting to look at it and sighed loudly.
"You can give them back you know." Blaise said, eyeing him carefully. "You can give him his memories back, then he'll remember-"
"No." Draco said sharply, shaking his head. He clasped his hand over the ring, as if to hide it. "No, never. He reacted so badly when he got in close contact with them, when we were last together. I don't know what would happen if they were fully returned. And even if it turned out fine, I just know he'd never forgive me."
Draco had stolen something precious from Harry, the memories of their escapades from last term. Everything happened so fast between them, the pent up feelings and confession but that was a story he'd reflect on another time. He needed to focus on what was happening now and what his next move should be.
"How do you know he won't forgive you?" Blaise asked quietly when silence fell between them. Draco looked at him, "I can't imagine Potter being one to hold a grudge against someone, at least not for very long. I don't think he'd hate you forever, especially if you explain everything." He nodded his head to the parchment. "Clearly, he doesn't hate you."
"Him not hating me makes it even worse." Draco commented before crawling further onto his bed. He leaned up against the bed frame and glanced at the empty spot next to him. It was where Harry always slept after they had sex. Draco hadn't slept in that spot since that morning, when they had split. The bed felt empty, and cold, not like when Harry was there. When he was there, everything felt bright and warm. It was the type of warmth you felt in your chest when you drank a mug of hot cocoa after being out in the cold for too long. He missed him, he missed him a lot. Before he knew it, Draco felt his eyes beginning to water. He quickly turned his head away before Blaise could see.
"Why are you helping me so much with this?" Draco asked, trying to change the topic. "You don't even like Potter."
"Because, he makes you happy."
"Why so persistent in keeping him away from me then?"
"You weren't in the right state of mind to talk to him properly," Blaise explained, "And I don't think he was either. Both of you needed some time away from each other, to reflect and think clearly. Or would you have preferred he corner you and confess his feelings, giving you no time to properly react?"
Draco pondered the idea for a moment and shook his head, "No, I probably would've said something stupid."
"Very likely."
"Shut up." Draco said, nudging him with his foot. "I still don't know what I should do."
"Well, you better think of something because I overheard Granger and Diggory in the library today talking about Potter."
Draco rolled his eyes and scoffed at the mention of Cedric, that annoying goody-two shoes. The little chump had been hanging around Harry a lot recently. He'd seen the way the brunette looked at him with that cheeky smile of his and he'd heard the rumors going around that they had been hanging out at Hogsmeade together around the time they had split. He'd even heard a conversation or two where it was obvious that Diggory was flirting with him but Harry was too oblivious to even notice it. He wasn't sure what was going on between the two of them but whatever it was, it enraged Draco greatly.
"You're doing it again." Blaise said, pulling Draco from his angry thoughts.
"Doing what?"
"Thinking about Diggory," he said, "Whenever you think of him, you get this scary look on your face. I never thought you to be the jealous type."
"Whatever," Draco grumbled loudly, not bothering to deny it. It was true, he was jealous of the idea of Harry giving someone else his attention. "I'm not intimidated by him."
"Then stop acting like a prat," Blaise said coldly, "We've been friends for a long time and I can honestly say you've been acting like an absolute arse. Just because Potter's taken a liking to you doesn't mean he is disposable to you whenever you'd like him to be. He even said so himself, that this would be the last time that he'd wait for you. I don't think you're taking his words seriously enough."
Draco opened his mouth but closed it, saying nothing in response. The words stung because he knew Blaise was right. He'd been a really shitty person recently and he'd treated Harry badly, especially when he had confessed to him. Draco cringed at his reaction that night, he'd panicked and instead of facing those feelings, he'd run from them. He'd turned Harry away. Again.
It was silent between them for a few moments, and Draco refused to look Blaise in the eye, focusing on tracing the words of Harry's letter.
I love you.
Draco let out a sigh and fixed his gaze back on Blaise.
"Alright, I'll tell him." he said uneasily, a shiver of fear crawling up his spine. "Will you help me?"
"Of course. You know what that means though, right?" Blaise said, cocking his head slightly. He looked amused, Draco was tempted to punch him but didn't.
"Yeah," Draco said with a sigh. He leaned his head back against the headboard and fiddled with the ring on his finger. It felt warmer than usual. "Yeah, I do."
The weekend before their meeting felt never-ending. Draco made it a point to ignore the mass chaos surrounding the holidays and spent the entire weekend holed up in his room with Blaise checking in on him every so often. He needed silence in order to focus and mentally prepare himself when it came to facing Harry the following day. After talking with Blaise just a few days prior, he'd been thinking about how shitty his actions had been towards Harry and it made him feel like a bigger arse than he already was. Draco knew he had to face the consequences of his actions eventually, he just felt angry at himself for waiting for so long. It wasn't fair to Harry that he only decided to get his shit together when another guy, a better guy, was threatening to swoop in and take him away. He deserved better than that.
Draco needed, no wanted to come clean about everything and it had to start off with something he hated doing, being truthful. This led him to where he was now, sitting at his desk while Blaise laid lazily in his bed, casting simple spells into the air.
"I think it's best that you say everything in person," Blaise commented while Draco scribbled furiously on a piece of parchment. "It shows that you're genuine. Also, don't forget to apologize for his busted hand."
"I know that, I'm just trying to gather all of my thoughts before I decide on what I'm going to say." Draco said feeling annoyed and guilty. He had almost forgotten about that. Just another thing to add to the list about why he was an asshole.
They had been at this for over two days now. Two days of Blaise reminding him of every shitty thing he ever did to Harry and those he cared about. Two days worth of crumpled up and torn parchment papers littered all around Draco's room. His hand was aching from all the writing he'd done but he pressed on. Draco had always been terrible at expressing himself through his words, he'd been raised by emotionally constipated people which made him emotionally constipated as well. It was difficult for him to form his feelings into words, he often shut them down and made it a point to rarely acknowledge them.
Draco jolted when he felt Blaise resting his chin on his shoulder and nearly spilled his ink cartridge.
"I need to get you a bell." Draco snapped, stopping his writing. Blaise hummed silently but said nothing, his eyes quickly scanning over the parchment. Draco bit his lip and squirmed when he remained silent, his face giving no hint to what he thought about it.
"Well? Are you going to say anything or are you going to continue to be uselessly annoying?" Draco said sharply when Blaise said nothing.
"Hm." was all that Blaise said, removing himself from the blonde's shoulder. Draco watched him, eyebrows furrowed and feeling more annoyed than before. He flopped back onto Draco's bed and continued with his spell casting, not paying any mind to the angry glare Draco was giving him.
"Hm? Hm?!" Draco said in a mocking tone before rolling his eyes. "You know, I could get better input from a chair than you."
"Probably, a chair would be better at describing its feelings than you."
"I am describing my feelings!"
"It sounds like you're making a formal confession with all your 'therefores' and 'whatnots.' I feel like I'm reading a contract."
"Well, how else should I word it?" Draco said, sighing loudly. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs, glaring at Blaise who was still ignoring him.
"I don't know, you're the one in love with him not me."
"I'm not in love with him." Draco said a little too quickly. "I'm not."
"Yeah okay," Blaise said sarcastically, "Maybe you should truly admit your feelings first before you even attempt writing a note. That's probably why they're all shit since you can't even be honest with yourself."
Draco clenched his jaw but said nothing, turning around to his desk again. He looked at the blank parchment in front of him and tapped his chin with his quill, thinking. How did he feel about Harry? His heart jumped a little when an image of Harry smiling popped into his mind and his face felt warm from the blush that was surely crossing his face right now. He was thankful he had his back to Blaise otherwise he'd never hear the end of it.
Be honest with yourself.
Letting out a small breath, he started to write out Potter but quickly scratched that out and changed it to Harry. His heart thumped again looking at the name, he'd never written it down before and it felt..nice. Carrying on, Draco continued to write, not stopping once even when Blaise rested his chin on his shoulder again to watch. By the end of it he'd written nearly six inches of parchment, clearly he had a lot more to say than what he intended. Setting his quill down, he looked over the letter carefully, his lips moving ever so slightly as he read.
"Well?" Draco looked at Blaise. "Honest enough?"
"Just enough."
Draco woke up early the following morning, the nerves in his stomach twisting as he thought about the events that would unfold later that day. He quickly got out of bed and went straight to the loo to get ready. It was an important day and he needed to look his damn best, he always felt more confident when he was well dressed and he needed every ounce of confidence he could gather before facing Harry.
Gripping the edges of the cold sink, he inhaled and exhaled slowly before looking at himself in the mirror. A tired, pale blonde stared back at him. He figured he should practice his little speech even though he read his letter so many times that he already knew it by heart.
"Harry," he shuddered when he said the name outloud and licked his lips. "Harry, we both know that I have never been the most honest or kind person since we met. Even before we met, I'm sure it's not a surprise to you that I was a little shit as a child too and I first want to apologize for everything harsh I've ever said to you and those that are closest to.."
Draco carried on with his speech while following his normal routine. He spoke out loud to himself as he showered, his hands gesturing as he spoke animatedly to himself. The speech continued even when he got out of his shower to get dressed, he even spoke as he brushed his teeth. He skipped putting gel in his hair, deciding that it would look better natural, especially since Harry had hardly ever seen it like that; he had noticed that he would look at him for longer periods of time when it was natural. Draco was finishing his speech as he exited the bathroom and was surprised when Blaise was sitting in his armchair, reading one of his magazines.
"Oi, how long have you been there?"
"Long enough to know that you still take bloody forever when it comes to getting ready," Blaise sighed, tossing the magazine aside. Draco noticed he was already dressed in his coat and scarf, his black luggage near his feet. "I wanted to wish you good luck before I went to the train."
"Thanks, I guess." Draco said quietly, trying to keep his voice even. He avoided looking Blaise in the eye and instead busied himself by gathering up his own luggage. Draco had been tempted to skip the holidays in his home to avoid being around his father and was only going in order to be with his mother who had stopped sending him letters over two months ago. Things had become tense in the household and the comfort he once felt being in the manor was replaced by uneasiness and fear. It felt like being outside with storm clouds that hadn't quite decided what their motive might be. To top it off, just before he had started school, his father made it worthy to mention that things would be different the next time he came and their home would be filled with 'guests' and he expected him to be on his best behavior. If only he was aware of the sinful things Draco had been up to the last few months.
"Are you ready to tell him everything?"
"No, not really." Draco replied, swallowing hard. "I'm actually..quite scared."
"It'll be fine." Blaise said, though he sounded somewhat doubtful. "Just.. don't say anything stupid okay?"
Draco snorted, gripping his luggage tightly. "Yeah, we'll see about that. I always say the wrong thing."
"You won't this time." Blaise said softly, giving him a small smile. He clasped Draco on the shoulder. "Good luck with Potter, tell me about it when you're on the train yeah? I'll be waiting for you."
Draco's jaw clenched and he nodded, awkwardly giving Blaise's hand a gentle pat before his friend left. Letting out a loud sigh, Draco finished tidying up his room and checked the time quickly. The time to meet Harry was slowly nearing and although he didn't want to seem too eager to meet him, he just couldn't sit and twiddle his thumbs any longer. The ring on his finger somehow felt heavier than it did before, and he carefully took it off, placing it under his pillow. It would be better to leave it behind to make sure Harry didn't throw another fit and also until he could try to undo the damage he had done to him.
Gripping his suitcase, Draco let out one last breath before he left his bedroom.
"Here goes nothing."
Once he stepped out of the dormitories, Draco called for a house elf named Grimp and had him take his bags to the train as he didn't want to haul his luggage without the use of the carriages which he wouldn't be taking. He had also waited for everyone from slytherin to leave as well, too paranoid someone may be watching him and the last thing he needed was rumors to be spread around. It was extreme but Draco didn't want anyone to see him slink off to the spot Harry had suggested they meet and decided just to walk there instead.
When his bags were gone, Draco started making his way out of the dungeons. His heart was beating rapidly and his stomach felt twisted with both excitement and fear. The dungeons were well deserted by this point, the only sound was the echoing of his shoes tapping along the floor and the quiet mumbling escaping from Draco's lips as he went through his speech once more. He could hear distant talking and laughing as he made his way up the long set of stairs, it was likely from students that were heading for the carriages now.
When Draco neared the second set of staircases, a wave of dizziness suddenly came over him and he found himself clinging onto the stone railing for support. He clutched his head, his vision blurred for a moment but then cleared after he blinked a few times. The feeling was similar to times when he stood up too quickly and got light headed but it was strange since he was already standing.
"That was weird.." Draco thought, exhaling sharply but he shook his head and shrugged it off. Perhaps it was due to not having eaten breakfast that morning, yeah, that likely was the reason for it. He continued to make his way up the steps.
It was quiet when Draco reached the top of the stairs from the dungeons and he was surprised to see no one around. This confused him because he had just heard the echoes of students talking and laughing just a few moments ago, yet the hallways were empty of any life. The only noise was once again his shoes tapping along the floor but after a few seconds, he could hear a second set of tapping feet. It turned out to be Professor McGonagall, who was walking briskly along the halls. She glanced at Draco and came to an abrupt halt. She looked surprised to see him there.
"Mr. Malfoy? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at the platform yet?"
"I'm going there now," Draco said, wondering why she was looking at him oddly. "The train doesn't leave for another hour so-"
"What are you talking about?" She interrupted, approaching him quickly. "The train is leaving in the next ten minutes! You should know well that it leaves right at one o'clock!"
"But professor, it's not-" Draco looked at his watch and his jaw dropped slightly when the time read 12:47. "That-that can't be right.. I just looked at the time a few minutes ago and it was barely twelve!"
McGonagall waved her hand to silence him. "We'll just have to wait for the train to come back, you won't be able to make it by this point. We'll send an owl to your parents to inform them that-"
But Draco had stopped listening to her, and had taken off running, ignoring her shouts to stop. The thudding of his footsteps echoed loudly in the halls as he ran. How had he lost so much time? Had he read his watch incorrectly earlier? Did he really take that long getting ready? He was supposed to meet Harry nearly twenty minutes ago!
Draco growled, shook his head and focused on sprinting. It didn't matter, what mattered was whether or not he was going to make it in time for his meeting with Harry. Disappointment and guilt made his gut twist, he was already letting Harry down. Merlin knows how long he had been waiting for him and if he was still waiting.
Bursting through the main entrance, Draco shuddered at the cold of the outside world. The wind had picked up and was lashing harshly across his cheeks but he ignored it and pressed on. It wasn't long before his throat began to hurt from the sharp breaths he was taking and an ache was starting to develop in his lungs. Twice he nearly slipped on ice when he ran down the pathway that led to the platform but he'd kept his footing and continued his sprint.
It was another minute before the platform came into view, the thick white clouds of smoke spilling from the front of the train as it was preparing to take off. Draco could see a handful of students boarding, the conductor waving madly at them to hurry up. The whistle from the train pierced through the air, signaling that the train would be taking off in the next few minutes.
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Draco thought, clenching his jaw tightly. Once he was near enough, he skidded down the small hill towards the arched tunnel, and thrashed through the bushes that were there to save himself some time. He hissed when a branch snagged at his cheek as he leapt over the rocks piled near the bottom. As he approached the tunnel, Draco slowed his pace to a small jog, he was breathing hard and he was sure he looked extremely unkempt but he didn't have time to fix himself.
He leaned against the wall for a brief moment, shutting his eyes and he inhaled sharply, readying himself to face Harry. His hands and legs were trembling and he exhaled trying to steady them. Giving his lips a lick, he turned around the corner, and fully prepared to apologize for his lateness, Draco stopped in his tracks from the scene before him.
Harry and Cedric were kissing. They were full on snogging in the wide open. The taller brunette's hand was placed on Harry's back while Harry fisted at his robes and kissed him desperately, both blissfully unaware of his presence. It took Draco a few seconds to register what he was witnessing, and feeling stunned, he slowly moved back behind the corner he'd just been behind.
The first thing that came to mind was that he'd been set up. He knew that Diggory and Harry had been closer, he knew that they'd gotten closer and yet, he had hoped-he had hoped.. Draco clenched his fists and jaw and tore himself away from the wall. He stormed towards the platform, his ears ringing and his belly felt hot with rage and hurt. Water began to build in his eyes but he blinked them rapidly away, and roughly swiped his face with his sleeve as he walked angrily to the platform. He ignored the annoyed look from the conductor as he stepped onto the train.
Harry had set him up, he didn't mean what he had said in his letter, it was merely a way of getting back at Draco for the last few months. It had been his way to hurt him back. Harry didn't actually love him, he hated him.
"Fine," Draco thought bitterly as he swept towards the slytherin compartment, "If he hates me, then I'll just have to hate him too."
Hello everyone, it's been some time since I've published a chapter. Apologies for it being long overdue however, I'm sad to say that this may be the last chapter I write for this story. I started this story maybe about 7years ago and after constant re-writing and lack of motivation, I don't think I can find it in myself to complete it. I don't remember where I was really going with this story tbh BUT I am willing to write one last chapter where it was essentially be a Q&A and I will explain how I wanted this tale to unfold and answer any questions about it.
I want to give you, the followers, some kind of closure and even though this fic will likely never be fully written, I wanted to provide you with the ending. It hurts and disappoints me that I won't finish this fic, but I hope to be able to bring you peace of mind. Anyway, please let me know if you have any specific questions about this fic you want answered. I'm not sure when I will upload the next chapter, but I promise you won't have to wait another 3years for it. Thank you for your support over the years everyone!