Excerpt of Joseph's Journal at the end of the chapter is from Far Cry New Dawn.
~9~
Your fault...
You led them to their doom...
Your fault...
Why didn't you walk away...?
They were better off without you...
Your fault...
You should have died in that helicopter...
They would have lived if you left them in the Gates...
You should have killed yourself...
Your fault...
Your fault...
Your fault...
I'm dead.
I died and made it to heaven. The ground was cool and the sun warm, and the breeze carried the smell of life. Grass tickled my nose. Birdsong banished the fog in my mind and I opened my eyes. An inchworm was making its way up a stalk not far from my face. It paused to dance for me, then inched on. I watched it until I couldn't anymore, and breathed deeply, taking in the scent of loam and flowers. I rolled onto my back, looking down at myself. My white shirt was unsullied and my jeans free of tears. My feet were bare, my skin scrubbed clean, and I felt no pain. I looked at my hands. I had ten fingers again.
I sat up. I was in a clearing surrounded by lush woodland, the sky a pale blue. A bumblebee droned past my nose and I followed its progress until my eyes fell upon a cougar. Its sandy fur looked so soft, the power of the animal evident in every stride as it padded through the tall grass towards me. I was not afraid. I raised a hand, and it sniffed it before closing its eyes and pressing its brow against my palm. It made a deep, yowling sound in its throat as I scratched its ears.
A young woman's laugh sounded all around me.
"You came!"
I turned, and there she was, in a white lace dress, short in sleeve and skirt, her feet bare and her hair of bronze gleaming in the sun. Faith Seed was smiling at me. She took my hand and I rose to my feet without any effort, transfixed by her grace.
"I knew you'd be back someday," she said, taking both my hands and twirling us around. I felt like I was floating. "It was meant to be. You belong here. You belong with me."
"Where am I?" My voice sounded a mile away.
We stopped spinning and her hold tightened. "Home."
I believed her. I felt rejuvenated. Pain was a distant memory. Stress, a forgotten burden. The world around me was whole and peaceful and balanced, and so was I. Faith began to guide me through the grass, and white butterflies took to the air around us, making her laugh with delight.
"You understand now, don't you?" She let go of one of my hands and held hers up. A butterfly landed on her finger. "It's all happening. It's all coming true. Just like the Father said it would." The insect took to the skies, and with a dizzying spin the sun went down and the stars came out, millions of specks in a blue velvet field. Banners of green waved slowly across the sky and I could only stare in awe. I had never seen the Northern Lights before.
She touched my cheek and I turned to her willingly. On her finger now was my friend the inchworm.
"This...this was us," she said. "Dirt crawlers. Consumers. All we ever did was eat our world. Use it, without any regards to the consequences. Our world was shrinking, no leaf left untouched, and even though we saw the end coming, we kept gorging, hurtling towards disaster..." The inchworm was dancing again, but as I watched, it inched to the underside of Faith's finger and hung upside down, becoming a chrysalis. She locked gazes with me. Her eyes were sad.
"This is what we've become. Huddled in the dark...alone...afraid..." She cupped the chrysalis in her hands, concealing it from view. And then a brightness returned to her eyes. "But not forever. Soon, we will rise again." She opened her hands and a new butterfly, bigger than the rest, fluttered into the sky. "We will no longer be the greedy earth eaters. We will become something the world needs, not merely something it supports." The insect landed on a white flower, antennae twitching. I raised a finger as though to stroke the creature.
"And it's all because of you," she said. "You came, and you saved us."
I frowned. "I didn't do this."
"You did." She took my hands again and we sat, facing each other. "You were the final piece. The part that the Father, that God, had been waiting for." She smiled, face creasing with empathy. "You still feel the pain, deep inside, don't you? You feel that in saving us, you hurt us. You hurt me. But you didn't. You set us free. The world was sick. We were cancerous, and cancer must be cut out."
Her words shook something inside me, tried to remind me of something. I pushed it aside, wanting my focus on her.
"But...I hurt...I hurt so many people—"
"You freed them, just like I did," said Faith, squeezing my hand, wanting me to understand. She got on her knees, so that she sat slightly higher than me. The Northern Lights gave her a glowing aura. "And now, you must free the Father."
I blinked in question. She ran her fingertips down the side of my face.
"You know what he did to me. I was just a child when he..." Tears glistening with moonlight seeped from beneath her closed eyelids. "He claims to be no longer lost, to see. But he is lying to himself. He thinks he is doing God's work. But God never wanted His people to suffer at the Father's hand. I was the only one to truly understand what I was doing, giving people freedom and happiness, showing them the power of faith." She opened her eyes and smiled at me. "You thought you were saving them when you killed me. But look at what you tried to prevent!" She stood, hands brushing the tips of the grass, skipping around and sending more butterflies fluttering into the air. "This. This place. But I know you didn't understand. I hope you do now. This will be the world. Have faith. Be patient. And you will be home soon."
She was fading before my eyes. I stood, reaching out for her.
"Don't go..."
Another smile, and she took my hands again and spun us around once. "I will always be with you." Her palm pressed to my chest, and I felt my heart against it. I tried to take her hand but mine when straight through it. She was drifting away, up into the night sky.
"Save the Father. Have faith." The whisper was in my ear. "Have faith..."
I blinked, and the stars vanished. A warmth lingered on my heart, but there was nothing there. It was with sorrow I looked around and saw only the walls of the infirmary, smelled only medical equipment, heard only the supplied air vents. For an uplifting second, I thought I felt a butterfly wing brush my cheek, but there was nothing.
Nothing.
I knew I was hurt. I knew I should have died. But Joseph saved me, again, and had used Bliss to do it. And yet my thoughts were clear. At long last realization struck me hard. The full weight of the consequences of my actions washed over me in a wave I could not surface. A clenching feeling constricted my chest, making it buck. My eyes twinged and leaked out of the corners.
It was my fault. It was all my fault.
Thousands died. Thousands would have been saved but they weren't because I couldn't leave well enough alone. Because I didn't walk away. It could have been anyone. Anyone with the will and the fortitude and the stubbornness could have pushed the buttons. But it hadn't been anyone. It had been me. Me. Chance and circumstance put me in the path, and I took all the right steps, played all the right keys, and it was my soul that was to be destroyed by guilt.
The pain went beyond the physical. I sat up, legs sliding off the bed, fingers grasping my hair. I wanted out of my own body. I wanted release. A nameless force was building up inside me, rising from my gut, filling my chest. I whimpered to let it out. Wasn't enough. The sound grew louder, harsher, and then I screamed. It was primitive, and I raised my face to the ceiling, trying to force it out all at once. I ran out of breath. I fell to my knees. Filled my lungs and screamed again. Neck tendons bulged, face red with the effort, vocal cords on the verge of snapping from the strain. And then I collapsed, forearms on the floor, body curled down until my chin touched my knees.
The Father came to me then. He spoke not a word, but set his hands on my back and shoulder. I was sobbing, unable to form words, unable to ask for his forgiveness. He seemed to understand, though, and he prayed, prayed for both of us. And then he pulled me over his lap, stroking my hair as I continued to cry. My Pride was gone. My Wrath had withered. I was a husk. A soldier no more.
Forgive me... Forgive me... Father...
Day 495
The deputy is wracked by guilt. I thought about killing him, as a mercy. But I will have him understand my forgiveness. I will have him know what it is to be judged as he has judged. And when he does, when he crawls out of himself with nothing left but hunger, I will tell them who he is.
God has a plan for him yet. And so do I.
"Tell me, Where did I go wrong? Everyone I loved, they're all gone. I'd do everything so differently, but I can't turn back the time. There's no shelter from the storm inside of me."
No Way Out, Phil Collins