Donatella was lonely. It was strange, feeling this way after always having Bucky at her side. It was impossible for her to fall asleep at this point, she was worried sick.
He had been sent out on a weeklong mission with Steve and Wanda, it was a rescue for some important politician's family from a terrorist group. Logically she knew that she should be worried about them, but the selfish part of her could only think about Bucky. She didn't know what she would do if he came back hurt.
Or worse - what if he didn't come back at all?
Her head was whirling as she laid in bed, thinking about the terrible things that could happen while he was gone. This always happened, every time he had to leave for work her mind would shift into overdrive. She could barely sleep, could barely eat, sick with worry. She felt quite pathetic, really, she survived most of her life without him, surely she could stand a few days without being with him.
But it was agony, thinking about all of the things that could go wrong. What would she do? Could she go on without him? Even if she could, would she? What did she have without him? Her career, Tony and Peter. She'd found a few unlikely friends as well, like Steve and Natasha, even Wanda and Clint. All of the people she worked with, all of the people Bucky worked with… that ragtag group had grown on her. What would they do if she lost Bucky?
Steve would surely be hit just as hard by the loss as she would. She would have someone to hide away with, at least. But he wouldn't be her Bucky. Nobody could ever replace him, not their banter, or the way that he could make her feel. Without him, she was… hollow. A shell of nothing. Surely she'd work herself half to death again, like she had the first time they'd been separated. God, it all felt so long ago… But no matter what it was him.
And it was always gonna be him. He was it for her.
These thoughts caused her to toss and turn until she could hardly stand it anymore, her eyes wouldn't even close in an attempt to sleep at that point. She decided to get up, glancing at the clock to see it was almost two in the morning. It wasn't that late, but it was much later than she usually drifted off. She stood in the doorway of her bedroom, unsure of what to do. Maybe take a sleeping pill? No, they were Bucky's and she knew that the dosage may have been too strong for her… fortunately, when the door unlocked her decision was made for her.
She padded towards the front door, she could hear him shuffling into the apartment, and she felt relieved. He was safe.
"Bucky?" she whispered into the darkness, and she saw his form standing still in the darkness. She rushed forwards, wrapping her arms around him and breathing in his scent. That musky, spicy smell of him mixed with… copper. There was a metallic tang in the air around him, and she jolted backwards, immediately searching him for injuries. He hadn't said anything yet, hadn't even moved, and she was relieved to see that he wasn't injured…
But he wasn't alright. She could see his face illuminated in the moonlight, spattered with blood that wasn't his, his eyes wide but dim. She knew this look. He was stuck in his memories, of being the Winter Soldier.
"Oh, Buck." she choked, wrapping him in another hug, realizing that she was smearing half-dried blood on her pajamas, but at that point she didn't care. She knew he needed help to snap out of this spell. And first things first, she needed to clean him up. Being covered in dead men's blood surely wasn't helping his state. She unwrapped her arms from around him, grabbing his metal hand and tugging him towards the bathroom. He stumbled along behind her, his feet shuffling in his boots, but he wasn't very responsive to her. When he got like this… it was like he was a ghost, he didn't speak, he was on autopilot.
She reached inside the shower and twisted the knobs until hot water streamed from the showerhead. Once she'd adjusted the temperature, she turned to him once more, meeting his eyes in hopes that she would see something there.
Nothing. They were blank and dull, his face composed, not revealing a thing to her of what he was feeling. She sighed, reaching up to take off his tactical uniform. Any other day she would appreciate the way he looked in it, how he filled it out. Dark colors really suited him, she noted. But now wasn't the time for that. Now was the time to care for him, in the way that he needed, not what she wanted. There was a delicate balance between that. She wanted to know what was wrong, she wanted her Bucky to snap out of this state. But she knew love wasn't easy, and that she had to take the good and the bad in stride. After all, he'd done the same for her, and more.
The way that he just stood there as she methodically pulled the pieces of his uniform off broke her heart. He'd revealed to her, once before, that when he got in this mindset he was back in his HYDRA days, thinking it was his doctors prepping him to go back into cryo. It hurt, knowing that she couldn't do anything to pull him from this state. But she could do her best to take care of him while he was like this.
Once she finished undressing him, she quickly stripped off her own clothes and pulled him into the shower. There wasn't anything sexual in this time, she just needed to wash him up. She lathered the soap across him, his expression like stone as the water ran down his face. He wasn't even looking at her. He stared straight ahead, just over the top of her head.
She scrubbed at his skin, making it turn pink as she got all the blood off. She couldn't look at him like this, not when she knew what was going on inside his head. Sure, he might look calm on the outside, but he was on the brink of either a breakdown or a meltdown, and she wanted to be clothed when it happened. She took care in making sure she rinsed him down sufficiently before grabbing a few towels and tossing one on top of his head as she patted his skin dry, neglecting herself for the moment. He stood stock still, body tense, but his expression was empty.
Donatella managed to wrap the towel around his waist before she pulled her robe on, then she went to work on his hair. Now that it was shorter, it was much easier to dry, but she struggled to reach up that high.
"Bucky, can you please lean down?" she murmured, but he had no response. Her stomach clenched, but she sighed and stood on the edge of the tub to finish her job. She was eye level with him, she was looking right into his face, but there was no recognition there. That hollow, dead look… she shuddered. It mirrored Antoni's, in all of her dreams, the empty eyes, the stoic face. She could hardly stand to look at him when he was like this. She knew she'd have nightmares that night, no doubt about it. But it wasn't his fault. That was the worst of it, none of this was his fault. HYDRA was gone, destroyed, and yet they'd left him this way. She knew that no matter how much time would pass, there would still be nights like this. And she hated them for it. But how could she hate a ghost? She had no outlet for it, and she had no right. Bucky had accepted this as a part of him, and so should she. He had once said that he wouldn't change his past for anything, knowing that if one small thing had been changed none of this could have happened for them. And she agreed. But that didn't mean she had to like this state he was in.
Once they had both been dried well enough, Donatella grabbed his hand and led him back into their bedroom. It was eerie, the dark apartment, the silent footsteps behind her. It wasn't eerie, she realized, it was… she couldn't explain it. There was a dark sadness that permeated the space, and she felt tears choke her, her eyes filling up and her throat tightening with the effort of holding in her sobs. She had no right to be upset, this was about him. But she couldn't help it, she thought to herself as she tugged his towel off. It was hard for her to accept his pain. She wanted to fix it, she wanted to make it better so badly… she sighed, frustrated as she struggled to get him into a pair of sweatpants. He helped a bit, but he was still unaware of his surroundings. She managed to get him dressed in pants and a tank, slipping out of her own robe to put on some shorts and an old, ratty t-shirt that she dug from the bottom of her dresser.
After a few deep, calming breaths, she grabbed both of his hands again, tugging him towards the bed and getting him to lay down. She had a bit of a struggle, pulling the blankets from under him, but he helped out a little, shifting around to let her get the comforter. She pulled the blanket over him, tucking it around his shoulders and pressing a kiss to his temple. He didn't move, but his eyes flickered towards her for a moment when she sat on the bed next to him. She felt a little creepy, just staring at him while he laid there, wide blue eyes staring straight up at the ceiling. She leaned over him to rake her fingers through his damp hair, the short locks sticking up in an endearing way. He looked so young like this, his skin looked pale in the moonlight. He was young when this happened to him, probably no older than she was now. Seventy years of brainwashing… god, it was a nightmare for her. Who was she kidding? It was his own nightmare, but she couldn't help but feel for him. She gave every piece of herself to him, and he gave himself right back… the good and the bad. And she wouldn't be afraid of it, she had to accept it all. She was going to marry this man. All of him. All of his weaknesses, all of his strengths, it was all hers.
She swallowed her pride, getting up from his side and tiptoeing around to her side. She stood for a moment, collecting herself, not wanting to cry as soon as she got under the covers with him when he was so out of it. Once she was sufficiently calm, she pulled her side of the comforter up and slipped under it, settling into the spot that she'd been in just before he got home. Glancing over at the clock, she noted the time, before there was a sharp gasp beside her and Bucky sat up quickly, clutching at his chest. She sat up immediately, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as his body shuddered with sobs.
She was almost relieved as he began to cry, he was at least out of that awful state. She squeezed her arms around him more tightly, trying to find the words to say at least something to him, something to soothe him. He turned towards her, nestling his head in the crook of her neck, tears wetting the shoulder of her shirt. Her heart ached, and her own eyes filled up again as she stroked the hair at the base of his neck. He was shaking in her arms, she had to be solid for him, like he always was for her. His breath was warm against her shirt, his arms wrapped tightly around her torso as he cried. He was always so strong for everyone, but when it was just the two of them… he could show his soft vulnerabilities, and she loved him more for it.
"Hey, it's okay." she whispered as she leaned herself back so that they were laying down, him still curled into her side, his face still resting on her shoulder. She stroked her hand up and down his back, softly raking her nails soothingly over the fabric of his shirt. He sagged bonelessly into her, his breaths puffing out more and more evenly with each minute that passed until she could tell he drifted off to sleep. She continued to rub his back, trying to keep him calm and relaxed and asleep, hoping bad dreams wouldn't plague him that night. God knows he didn't deserve that, not after everything he'd been through.
When she woke up the next morning, they were still in pretty much the same position, but his tears had dried. He didn't appear to have any nightmares during the night, any movement or noise would have probably woken her up. He was sleeping peacefully, soft breaths puffing against her neck. She could lay like that all morning, honestly. She was so glad he was resting, that he wasn't upset, or angry, or in that death-like state that he'd been in when he got home the night before.
She glanced over at the clock and groaned, knowing she had to go into the compound that day. She had gotten used to sleeping in while she was on leave, but now she was working again. Bucky had to go in that day too, training and planning and all of the other top-secret team junk that the Avengers did. She wasn't privy to that information, but she had a whole mess of her own to take care of in the labs. She worked with Tony occasionally, but most of the time she was on her own in there. Tony often told her that once they found Banner, he would be back in the labs with her, but it had been almost two years since anyone had seen the Hulk. The whole team was hurt by it, but she had never met the man. Sure, she'd heard of him, he was famous in the academic world for his work, but he wasn't quite in her study field, so she didn't know a whole lot about the doctor. Everyone spoke highly of him, and Natasha even showed emotion when she talked about the man.
And it was hard to get that woman to show her true feelings.
Bucky began to stir, and she held her breath, trying to keep still so he wouldn't get startled. She wished he would sleep just a little bit longer, he really needed the rest. She noticed that he'd barely taken a break, the shadows under his eyes staining deeper and deeper with each passing sleepless night. At least he'd gotten rest this time, sometimes she'd wake up in the early hours of the morning and he'd still be reading, or even just laying there wide awake. She could get him to take his sleeping pills occasionally, but he really didn't like them, he said they stopped him from escaping his nightmares. She ached as she thought about it. He either was exhausted or tormented. Donatella wished she could fix things.
"Morning, sweetheart." he mumbled into her shoulder, pressing his lips against her neck. She felt herself smile faintly, and she brought her hand up to scratch at the base of his neck. He let out a small noise, something distinctly catlike, before he pushed himself up on his forearms to smile at her.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, taking her other hand and pushing some of the longer pieces from his face. She wanted to see him, there wasn't a moment that she didn't want to see his gorgeous face, especially not when he was lively, when he was her Bucky.
"Better." he revealed, pressing his lips against her temple, mirroring her actions from the night before. "I'm sorry." he sighed, pressing his forehead against hers as he closed his eyes, and she tugged a piece of his hair sharply.
"Don't be. It's not your fault." she frowned, keeping eye contact with him. His eyes clouded over with guilt for a moment before they cleared, relief shining in his expression.
"I wish I didn't get like that." he sighed, pushing himself back up off of her and sitting next to her, playing with her hair absentmindedly.
"We all wish we could change things about ourselves. But I wouldn't change this for the world, Bucky, I love all of you. Even the bad stuff." she gave him an encouraging smile, and his expression softened as he gazed down at her.
"I think I'm the luckiest man in the universe, doll." he grinned lazily.
"And don't you forget it." she smiled, sitting up to peck him on the lips. Of course he wouldn't let her get away with just a quick kiss, he tangled his hand in her hair to deepen it, and she felt herself melting. "Buck, I didn't brush my teeth." she laughed breathily as he pulled away for air.
"Neither did I, doll." he smirked.
"It's gross, wonderboy." she shook her head as he leaned back in.
"We can be gross together." he coaxed her, and she laughed, giving in for the moment, letting him kiss her breathless as the sun beamed over his skin. He was glowingly fresh, that pale, lifeless look had left him sometime during the night and he was a pure fucking ray of sunshine again. She loved him best when he was like this, all lazy smiles and drowsy kisses and mussed up hair. He was just too perfect. He let out a groan when she pulled away, giving her an exasperated look.
"We have to get ready for work." she let out a soft chuckle.
"Tease." he huffed, standing up and stretching, and that ever-tantalizing strip of flesh above his waistband was revealed for a moment.
"You started it, Sergeant." she smiled, standing up and mirroring his actions on the opposite side of the bed. He gave her a look before padding towards the bathroom, and she heard the sink start as he began to brush his teeth.
"What are you working on today?" he called from the bathroom, but his question was muffled due to the toothbrush that was in his mouth.
"Tony wants me to look over some of his suits, see if I can help him improve the scanning sensors." she responded as she picked out some clothes. A tan pencil skirt and a navy button up would do, she didn't have any meetings to dress up for. She managed to pick out a pair of cork wedges as well, her comfiest heels. Maybe she should work on making a comfortable insole? Or she should just focus on her actual work. Footwear wasn't quite that important to her at the moment.
"I think Nat wants you to look at her Widow bites, she wants to increase the accuracy." Bucky reappeared in the doorway, opening his dresser drawers to pick out a pair of dark jeans.
"She should know I don't work in the weapons department." Don sighed, changing quickly, frowning at a pair of pantyhose as she decided on whether or not she wanted to wear them. She decided the struggle to get into them wasn't worth it, so she set them back in the drawer.
"But you are the best." he mentioned with a smile, and she rolled her eyes.
"I highly doubt that." she gave a small laugh as she took her turn in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. He followed her in and she gave him a weird look. "Why are you watching me?" she mumbled around the toothpaste, trying not to drool all over her shirt.
"I just missed you yesterday." he shrugged. She gave him a suspicious look but didn't think much about it.
"Well, do you want to get some cereal out from the cupboard? I'll be out in ten minutes, I've gotta do my makeup." Don said after she spit. He gave a small nod, a slight grin, and he breezed out to the kitchen, letting her wash her face and slap on her face in peace. She loved the man, but he didn't need to watch her try to put on mascara. That was way too embarrassing. Once she finished making herself look, well, alive again, she met her fiance in the kitchen. It was crazy to think of him as that, and she thought the word was cheesy, but until they were married she would have to call him that. They'd decided on a summer wedding, cliche, but it worked best with everyone's schedules that they wanted to be there.
"We're almost out of milk, should we stop at the store on the way home tonight?" Bucky asked, and she gave a small nod.
"I don't have any plans except for coming back here and laying on the couch all night." she laughed as she sat, rationing her portion.
"That's all you're having?" he frowned at the small bowl as he poured himself some cereal.
"I'm trying to get down a dress size. Natasha said she'll help me work out on weekends." she explained, taking a bite of her cereal.
"What are you trying to go down a size for? I like your size." he sounded weirdly offended, and she gave him a strange look.
"Well, I want to look good on our wedding day." she said meekly, tucking her hair behind her ear as it threatened to swing down into her bowl. He gave her another one of his looks.
"You already look perfect, Don." his frown deepened, and he eyes her figure curiously. She rolled her eyes.
"Thank you, but I'm not losing weight for you, I'm doing it for me." Donatella sighed, dropping her spoon. "Why are you being so weird about it?"
"I'm not!" he sounded way too defensive with that, and she gave him a scrutinizing glare. "I just… I don't want you to feel like you have to change anything about yourself. You're absolutely perfect." he repeated, and she felt herself flush. God, all this time later and he could still make her blush like a kid.
"You're such a smooth talker." she grinned at him, taking another bite of her cereal. He gave her a small smirk before rolling his eyes.
"Only for you." he chuckled, something warm shining in his eyes. God, she couldn't wait to marry that man. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she almost groaned at the interruption. She glanced down at the phone, seeing that Tony was calling her. "Who is it?" Bucky asked, and she frowned, glancing up at him.
"It's Tony, I should take this." she muttered, standing up and answering the call. "Hello?"
"Houston, we have a problem." Tony panted, and she looked at Bucky, alarmed at the inflection in his voice.
"What's happening?" she asked, putting the call on speaker.
"We've got an invasion happing in t-minus three seconds. I need you and Manchurian candidate to get to the compound and round up Vision, we've gotta destroy the stone. There's a jet ready to take you to Wakanda, Shuri and T'Challa are briefed and Steve is ready."
"Where are you? What's going on?" she asked as she heard static on his end.
"Just go, kid! I wish I had more time to explain." he groaned as a howling wind came over his end, and he swore under his breath. "I need you to be as fast as possible, okay?"
"Tony, are you going to be okay?" she asked, feeling panicked as she glanced up at Bucky. He was pale, staring wide-eyed at her.
"I make no promises. Kid, you've gotta get going, this is time sensitive and we've got a crazy titan on our hands." Tony reminded her as more static crackled over the phone, and there was shouting in the background. She gulped audibly, her hand shaking.
"Don't get dead, okay?" she choked out, and it was quiet on the other end.
"Earth won't lose her best defender. Don't worry about me, just get safe." he said after a moment of hesitation, the line clicking off.
"An alien invasion?" Bucky was pale, and she bit her lip.
"We've got to get going." she said softly. He nodded, standing quickly and rushing to the bedroom, taking a few moments to change into his freshly cleaned tactical gear. As soon as he stepped out she wrapped her arms around him, quickly squeezing him.
"We'll make it through this." he smoothed a hand over her hair before pulling back, leading her to the door.
"Together." she nodded.
"Always together."