So, there it is. Uh this took forever to write I just couldn't get what was in my head to sound right on the page. I'm still not sure it sounds right but the more I mess with it the worse it gets, so I'm leaving it as is mainly because I wanted to get this out as soon as possible.
It took so long my real life has been insane, a shift change coupled with a new job role and multiple medical appointments didn't leave me feeling well enough to write. Anyway life has settled down for now and I've got everything for Christmas ordered (yeah I know I'm early but I don't want it all done last minute again like last year) so hopefully I should have more time to write but then again I'm me so who knows? Lol.
Also, apologies in advance for any typos, I self-proofread this so I'm positive I missed some, but I wanted to get this up asap so I'm hoping you'll let them slide in exchange for a new chapter.
Ana's POV
Christian's touch leaves me I'm in such a daze that I don't even register that I'm in my apartment until I'm on the floor leaning against my front door and even then, that's only because of Ben. I don't think anyone, but a medical professional has touched my scars maybe ever, and even then, it's only a detached medical way and its over before it really starts. Christian's touch however was nothing like anything I've felt before, it burned my skin and I felt something I'm not sure I've ever felt before. I'm still stuck in my own head sitting in a foetal position and Ben is nudging my knees apart forcing his way to my lap, warning me to pull my focus back the real world. Even though Ben is an enormous dog he still tries to sit on my lap at every available opportunity no matter how many times I gently push him off, which no matter how I feel always manages to make me smile at puppy-like ways.
To people who walk by Ben on the street all they see is a dog most people don't even see the service vest he wears whenever we're out, especially in this fast-paced city. They mostly see a big lanky dog and given he's a cross between a German Shepard and a Great Dane he really is a big dog. Only a few really get to see how amazing he is, he's the perfect breed because his traits make him incredibly loyal and very patient, caring dog. Even if people do notice that he's a service animal I'm not sure they would ever guess in what capacity they probably assume I'm blind or something along those lines. But in reality, he's a highly trained seizure alert dog as well as being a mental health therapy dog.
I remember the day Ray brought him home, I hadn't been out of the hospital long and I was struggling with my health both physical and mental despite the almost daily therapy sessions. I found it very hard to be around anyone but was also terrified of being alone when a seizure hit, let alone leaving the house for anything that wasn't medical necessary. Even then I had to be medicated to make it through which I hated because it made me feel like I wasn't in control of myself.
I was sitting on the sofa with 'Mone during yet another panic attack and seizure. Having a seizure leads me to feel so helpless and vulnerable that they bring on a panic attack so before I can even begin to recover from a seizure, I have a panic attack. I had my hands fisted in my lap while rocking back and forth while 'Mone was counting my breathing as I was still too out of it to do it myself. When this giant wet nose started butting at my hands, I opened my eyes and there was Ben just looking up at me with these giant eyes. He just put his head in my lap, I took that as a sign he wanted to be petted so I started to stroke him and that calm I had before the seizure came back faster than ever before.
Before that day I couldn't understand how a dog could be anyone's best friend, how someone who couldn't talk could understand you so completely and vice versa but then Ben changed all that. These oversized eyes looked up at me and for the first time in maybe as long as I could remember I felt like someone fully understood.
"So, Benny Boy looks like I'm going out tonight." He starts to get excited at the thought of going out because pretty much everywhere I go, he goes, and I really do mean everywhere he even comes to work with me. "Sorry Buddy you can't come tonight." I say giving him a sad smile and being the intuitive dog, he is he settles down. Most every other time I would take Ben with me but I'm not sure I should tonight, I don't exactly know where we're going and not everywhere is dog friendly even with service dogs. So, I sit there with him half on, half off my lap just soaking up as much calm as I can knowing I'll need it to make it through tonight. As much as I could happily stay here all night I know I need to get up but I don't want to move yet, I just enjoy the silence and the calm of just a bit longer, but it's all broken when my phone rings break the silence. It takes me a few seconds of fumbling to get the phone off the floor with my cast wrist in a sling I have to reach across myself to grab it from where it landed when I slid down the door.
"Hey Ray." I answer, trying to stand which is easier said when you have a hundred-pound dog draped across your lap and eventually giving up knowing I may need Ben for this conversation.
"Hey doll, how you feeling?"
"A little sore but otherwise ok. Everything ok?" I ask hesitantly knowing that Ray never calls just to check up on me, calling to him is only reserved for important issues for everything else you get just a text.
"Yes, nothing like that." He says making sure he reassures me first in true Ray style. "I just wanted to talk about Christian." He says making my hearts rate spike once again causing Ben to nuzzle my chest warning me to calm down, instantly making me run my hand over his head so he knows I'm still there and not having a panic attack but the cast makes it more difficult than normal.
"That sounds ominous." I manage to get the words out, but I can hear the crack in my voice.
"Its not. You heard of Grey Area Securities?"
"Of course." You'd have to have spent the last few years living under a rock to not have, they're the largest security company in the US, hell maybe even the world. They're the kind of people the secret service consult with for advice, they made the news a few months ago when they foiled a terrorist plot the FBI missed.
"Alright so I thought you should know I know the man who runs it, Carrick Grey." Grey? "And yes, before you ask, he is Christian's father. I just think you should know a bit more about the man that raised Christian."
"You know him?" I say butting in before he has a chance to clarify.
"We served together, he transferred out a few years before me, we lost touch for a while and during that time he started Grey Area. But we see each other from time to time, Ana I just want to you to know Carrick's one of the few men I would trust with my life. He's saved my life more times than I can count." That's high praise from a man like Ray, I think I could probably count of both hands the number of people Ray would bestow with that honor.
"What has this got to do with Christian?" I ask knowing that there has to be a reason he's chosen now to tell me about this.
"Ana…" He says taking an audible breath before starting over. "Ana I'm just saying that Christian seems like a good guy. While I hadn't met the kid in person before today, I've never known anyone to say a bad word about him."
"Okay?" I say needing more information before I can even begin to entertain the idea of trusting someone, it took months before I trusted Ray even after everything, he did for me and he essentially wants me to blindly trust Christian. Don't get me wrong Ray's word means a lot to me, but these aren't Ray's words these are accounts of people I don't know about someone I hardly know.
"I'm saying maybe you should give the guy a chance. Ana you know how much you mean to me and Angel, but you should have someone your own age who can let you be a typical twenty something from time to time. And before you say no you cannot classify Amara as that someone, she's lucky if she can drag you out twice a year and I know you keep her at arm's length because she's close to almost everyone else in your life. But Christian's not he doesn't know me or Vin he's unconnected, so why not?"
"You already did a full background check didn't you?" I huff out with a slight chuckle knowing that Ray wouldn't just take passing comments and the word of an old friend no matter how highly he values them when it comes to me or 'Mone.
"Of course, Kid's basically a soap bar given how clean he is. Okay maybe not quite that clean but nothing to take note of, just the regular blips."
"You're really serious about this aren't you?"
"Yes." He pauses for a moment and I can just see him pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing he eyes, his tell for whenever he's deep in thought. "Look this isn't me saying you have to do this because you know I would never force you into anything, but I really think you should give him a chance. Now don't mistake this for me thinking you should be dating the guy, but I think he could be a friend."
"Yes." I rush out before I have a chance to rethink anything, sensing my apprehension Ben nuzzles into my chest telling me to calm down. I must be crazy, right? I mean who just agrees to go out with someone they hardly know, but then again isn't this what most people do? Meet a guy or girl go out then let things go from there, even boyfriends were once a stranger.
"Really?" Ray asks I'm sure disbelieving how quickly I agreed but I going to try something different and take a leap for once, you can't live in a bubble forever, right?
"Yeah, I mean I'm already going out with him tonight." I don't mention his mates because then I'd have to explain they aren't all guys and Ray would want to run a background check for each of them as well and to be honest I just can't be bothered. Plus it's not like I'm going to be alone with them either Sawyer or Jose will be with me.
"Alright, let me know how it goes. I'll have my phone with me the whole time and if I don't answer there's always Vin or Angel." He assures even though I know he pretty much never has his phone off and if he does, he always lets me know ahead of time. But I don't give him grief because I know that even though he's encouraging this it goes against everything in him that wants to protect me.
"I know, I know. Plus, I'll have Sawyer or Jose with me anyway so even if I can't reach you, they'll reach someone who can. Also, we both know I can take care of myself."
"Of course, you can you learned from the best." We both chuckle knowing he taught me everything I know. "Alright I'll let you go, I'll let the guys know what's going on." I know half the reason he's so okay with this is because he'll be getting regular updates through the night, most people would be annoyed by such over protectiveness but it's one of the things that help ease my anxiety when I leave the house.
"Call you later."
"Laters, Doll." He says hanging up, I spent a few more minutes on the floor before forcing myself to get up knowing its nearly six and I've got lots to do before I go out to night.
It takes me much longer than normal to shower as I have to wrap my arm and do everything one handed with the half cast, hopefully when I go back and get the full cast I can get a waterproof one because showering with one hand in a bag is not easy. Looking at the clock I realise I only have thirty minutes before Christian comes to pick me up, I wanted into my closet wearing only my underwear and a hair turban trying to figure out what to wear. Don't get me wrong I know most people struggle to decide on what to wear especially if they are going out with new people and with no real idea of where they are going. But I'm not most people, I have three very different sections to my wardrobe, one is the part that I consider to be the most true to who I am that is the clothes that I wear around the house the clothes that don't hide any scars, I have them simply because I like them and not because they serve a purpose. Two is the section I use to hide behind, my work clothes, at work I'm not really Ana, I play a role making clients believe whatever I need them to. Everything single item in that section is for a purpose they cover my body but are all very fitted, so clients get the desirability required. Third and finally is my more everyday clothes that are me but still serve their purpose in hiding my scars and much more of my figure than my work clothes.
I stare at the clothes hoping somehow divine inspiration will strike and I'll somehow have the perfect outfit appear in my hands as if by magic. Eventually I get out of my head enough to pick an outfit deciding on a pair of ripped dark blue high-waisted skinny jeans with embroidered blue flowers up one legs, hoping they give enough of smart casual look that no matter where we go, they will be acceptable. I choose a white lace long sleeved top with a high enough neckline that it hides everything it needs to, coupling them with a pair of grey suede ankle boots with crisscrossing straps over the front. Throwing them on the bed, I head over to my dressing table knowing I need to do something about my hair and makeup.
I decide on simple hair and makeup because really anything else just isn't an option with the cast and even then, it's a struggle. I blow dry and straighten rather than because it's easier for me. Once my hair is done, I do my makeup next, well if you can really call it that considering all I do is put white eyeliner on my waterline hoping it complements my outfits. I throw on some mascara and a blush pink lip gloss like I know what I'm doing but, in all actuality, I'm just doing what I've seen on other and praying it looks ok on me.
I throw on my clothes and let me just say getting on skinny jeans with an immobilized wrist, not an easy task! Tucking the shirt into the top just far enough so the top hangs slightly over the top of the jeans noticing it almost eight. I'm just about to put on my shoes when the buzzer goes, I buzz Christian up and go to put on my shoes knowing I've got enough time to get my shoes on as Christian has to get the elevator all the way up to the top floor and that takes a while. I've done the last zip when there's a knock at the door, ah fuck. How is it you can know something is going to happen and still not be ready for it? I stand and rub my now sweaty palms on my jeans and as if I can't feel the tension in my body even Ben starts to nudge at me telling me I need to calm. I rub a reassuring hand over his head before I walk towards the door and pull it open.
Anyway, thanks as always for reading, if you could please leave a review it would mean the world you all know I love reading them.
FearfullyBrave.
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