I actually planned on having this up a few days ago but life had other plans. Anyway, I've prewritten several chapters so I have a bit of a buffer for if I'm sick or just can't post. I'm thinking of uploading once a week if not more just depends how fast I can edit and write, so hopefully you guys will appreciate the consistency.
Also, this is once again self-edited so please excuse any mistakes, I'm not the best at spotting them.
Ana's POV
As I stand there looking like a complete fool, Christian blankly stares off into space looking oddly sad, and I can't help but feel the urge to cry. Ben clearly senses my mounting distress and begins butting at my thigh, but this time he can't help me because this isn't all in my head, I can't talk myself down by saying that I'm overreacting, and everything is ok because it's not. Christian told me all about his mates and how welcoming they would be, but what he clearly failed to mention is that none of them knew I was coming. What kind of people are just happy to accept the interloper to their night out? Clearly not this lot if the shocked looks on their faces are anything to go by.
As I continue to stand there looking like an absolute moron, I can feel the panic rising in my chest knowing all of them are going to mock me for being stupid enough to believe the word of a complete stranger. Such an idiot! My heart is pounding beneath my ribcage making it almost impossible to breathe, my mind is now racing so fast I can't think straight. Its only when Ben pulls on his leash that I begin to refocus on what is going on around me rather than solely on my frantic thoughts. Ben tugs me towards the door, knowing that if he cannot help me out of an anxiety spiral that the next best thing is to remove me from whatever situation is causing it.
Its only once we're outside that my body begins to calm, the ringing in my ears quiets and sounds of my short sharp breaths are replaced with the hum that is New York City which always manages to soothe me because in a town like filled with so many people you can be anonymous. That thought alone is enough to bring my heart rate back to almost normal because I know that if I'm out here I'm away from the group I can't see their judgmental stares or hear their harsh words, I'm just little old me in a sea of people. I take one more moment to breathe before I allow Ben to pull me up the street and away from the pub, as I follow Ben up the sidewalk I swear I can hear my name being called from behind me but when I turn around to see who called me there is no one there. I go to spin back around when Christian comes flying out the pubs entrance so fast, he almost knocks an elderly lady over, but he stops himself right before they can collide. I'm so caught up in looking at the lady and checking she is okay that I don't realize that rest of his friends have followed him out and when I focus on them, I notice that once again they are all staring at me. Just fucking fabulous! I guess once just wasn't enough for them they had to follow him out so that could what, rub my humiliation in my face?
See this is why I like being alone with just Ben and me, no one to degrade me or mock me, I can just be me not some version I pretend to be for everyone else. I don't have to put up that front and act like I'm okay if I'm not, its freeing and I don't ever feel alone, but maybe that's just because I've never really had the opportunity to feel anything other than my own company. Aside from Ray and 'Mone I've never let anyone get close, at least not in the way I've let those two, with them there is no need to pretend or put up a front because they know that sometimes I'm not okay and they let me work through it or they step in only if I need them to, they respect boundaries and are always there when I need them.
Once Christian is standing in front of me, I expect a whole spiel to come flying out of his mouth about how sorry he is and that it is probably for the best if I just head home for the night. But he just stands he for a good minute it his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, so I focus on the rest of the group just standing slightly behind him in a huddle. I know they're probably trying to figure out the same thing on how to give me a polite hello but goodbye you aren't welcome here. Eventually they all seem to decide on what they want to do and turn to face me again, but instead of making any eye contact with any them I look back at Christian who has now closed his mouth.
Just when I'm about to give them all an uncharacteristic 'fuck you', one of the girls separates herself from the group and starts walking towards us, instantly making me take step back. Once she reaches us, she gives Christian a glare that would make most people wilt but it just makes Christian lower his head. Whilst she is staring at Christian, I take a moment to assess her, she has long blonde hair that somehow despite that fact it's probably been down all day still has all of its curls. She's wearing a short sleeve blouse that is unbuttoned just low enough that it shows a hint of cleavage but is still respectable enough for office attire, which is where I assume, she's come from if her skirt is any indication. She has on a fitted skirt which is now too short to be work appropriate but seeing as the shirt rests just under her breasts I reckon it would have been waist height for work and pulled up for the evening. She's also wearing what looks to be at least five-inch-high patent black heels, which somehow makes the outfit scream sexy but still mostly work appropriate which takes some doing.
"Seeing as this fucker didn't give us all the chance to get introduced, I'll do it myself." She says with distain evident in her voice, but even though I know it's not directed at me I still wanna curl up into myself and hide. "I'm Kate. Forgive me if I'm to forward but are you ok? You look about as white as your shirt."
"I… I…" I stutter out still not being able to fully regulate my breathing enough to form a sentence. But all that aside I take a moment to congratulate myself as I'm not in the throes of a full blow panic attack, a situation like this would have given me one even just a few months ago.
"I'm going to take that as a no. So, let's just take a few breaths, shall we? Give us all a moment or two to get our heads back on straight." Kate says to me before turning Christian and giving him the glare again which this time causes him to take a few steps back almost far enough to join the rest of the group.
She talks me through some deep breaths and before long I start to reach my equilibrium again. I give her a thankful smile, before taking one more breath so I'm sure I'll be able to get proper words out again.
"I'm okay now thank you. Sorry for everything, it just threw me a bit, but no need to worry I'll be going now. Don't want to ruin your evening. Any further." I whisper the last part not wanting Kate to hear anymore because this evening already feels like a complete disaster and I don't want to remind her further of how badly I messed up their evening. As I go to spin and walk away a hand catches me, halting my movements instantly, but me being me I have to go and be startled by the sudden touch that coupled with it being through only the thin cotton of my blouse doesn't help the situation. I gasp at the contact before I can even process who is touching me, I hope that it goes unnoticed by Kate but if the speed at which she removes her hand is any indication, she defiantly heard.
"Sorry, I have trouble remembering most people have personal boundaries. You're not ruining anything, honestly it would be really nice to have another girl with us, to even out all the testosterone. Look if you can get past that fact Christian can be a complete dick sometimes, then you might actually find that you want to spend the evening with us and if you don't and you wanna leave now or even later on none of us will try and stop you. Right guys?" She says spinning to face the rest of the group who all bob their heads in unison like some kind a of synchronized bobble head dolls, making me chuckle softly to myself.
"Really it's not a big deal. I will be just fine going home by myself and spending the evening with just me a Ben." As I say that I realize Ben is still in his default protection mode, so in order to calm him I know I need to introduce him to Kate. "Ben this is Kate, friend. Kate this is Ben, friend." I say giving Kate a look that I hope says, 'please understand that I'm not crazy I'm just talking my protection dog of a ledge'.
"Hi buddy." Kate says as she goes to put out her hand but then obviously notices his service vest and retracts it. "Can I pet him?" I nod and she reaches out to pet him and naturally with Ben being the big softie he is relaxes into her touch and starts to wag his tail again. "You're not going home by yourself unless you really would rather do that than spend a night with some truly awesome people. And if you do, I would be forced to talk my way into coming home with you because honestly that sound like a pretty decent night, throw in some pjs and wine and you'll make my day." Kate threatens with a soft laugh.
"Really, you'd rather go home with me than stay out with your friends?" I say with a chuckle because that makes no sense to me. Why would you rather spend the evening with a stranger than your closest friends?
"Hell yes, something you should know about me if we're going to be friends, is that if I could I would live in my pjs. As soon as I walk through the door, I change into them, I would wear them to work if I could get away with it but it's all suits in my office. Lucky-y me! But seriously I would, who's to say by the end of the evening you wouldn't be able to call me a friend, I very loveable."
"Not to everyone Kavanaugh." A male voice shouts from behind Kate and even though I have no idea which of the two guys is which, I have assume it's from Elliot given what I know.
"Fuck off, Elliot." Kate grits out confirming my thoughts. "Anyway, ignore that moron. I meant what I said who knows by the end of the night you could become a regular in our group."
"Yeah, why not?" One of the guys comes forward to where Kate is standing about a foot in front of me, and I recognize him as the voice from earlier. "Hi I'm Elliot. How you doing this fine evening?" Its right then that it becomes clear that Christian didn't exaggerated Elliot's behavior. Elliot is dressed just like his brother, both are wearing khaki trousers, but where Christian has opted for navy, Elliot is wearing a dark grey pair. Both have on short sleeve shirts Elliot's in a dusky blue shirt not dissimilar in color to Kate's blouse and Christian's in a white shirt that seem to fit him perfectly showing off all those muscles below without being too tight. I can feel my cheeks heat at the thought which clearly gives Elliot the wrong idea as he gives me a smirk that is far too cocky. The biggest difference between the two is that Christian has copper hair which is long and wavy on top and slicked in place with short back and sides, Elliot's is blonde and curly with a similar cut but is longer on top which gives him a look that screams 'just walked out of bed' even though he's probably been up and about most of the day.
"Will you quit it? I'm trying to get her to come back inside, not scare her off." Kate says elbowing Elliot in the ribs which causes the two of them to get into a fight about how much of a catch Elliot is. I just watch for a minute or two expecting them to wrap it up but they both don't seem anywhere near ready quit, I'm at a loss as to what to do when another voice pulls my attention away.
"Please ignore those two, they like to have dick measuring contests from time to time." She says clearly aiming her words at them rather than me. "Hi, I'm Gail." She says reaching out a hand to shake, I'm usually not one for handshakes but for some reason despite what she's wearing Gail doesn't scare me. She's dressed head to toe in black, with piercings all over I'm guessing. Even with not that much skin showing I can still see a piercing in her eyebrow, nose, lip and her ears are littered with them. She has on what looks like some kind of black corset over a black vest top, along with ripped black jeans and a choker, all of that should instill fear into me but somehow, she manages to look strangely innocent which is putting me at ease. I think it's her voice it's dainty almost too much and bordering on being that voice some grown women have that makes them sound like small children which is beyond annoying, but like her outfit it seems to just fit her.
"Hi."
"We really all do agree with Kate and she was right about being able to talk herself into going home with you, she can do it with pretty much anyone. But seriously, hang out with us tonight we'd all be happy to have you, I promise we don't bite."
"Well Jason does." Elliot says, interrupting Gail and making her blush bright red instantly. Before I have a chance to wonder what he's talking about, he clarifies for me. "Our Gaily here has a thing for hickies. Don't you?" Elliot loops his arm over Gail's shoulders and pulls her into his side which makes her smile and blush even harder as she pinches his arm.
"Shut up Elliot before I make you." Growls another unfamiliar voice from behind, which I assume belongs to Taylor.
"Alright, alright I'll stop. Mainly because he could kill me in about a hundred different ways and still make it look like an accident." Elliot 'whispers' the last part at me but both Kate and Gail clearly overhear and giggle. "Okay getting back to the reason we're all out hear instead of drinking, would you forgive my idiot of a brother and come spend the evening with us? Pretty please." He says giving me what I assume are supposed to be puppy dog eyes but on a grown man as tall as Elliot it doesn't come across quite like I'm assuming he means it to.
"Erm." I hesitate still not sure what I want to do, my head says one thing, but my heart is screaming another.
"Look you saved my brother's life and I'd really like to be able to properly thank you so will you let me?"
"I what?" I say sputter out, having no idea what the hell Elliot is talking about.
"He didn't tell you." He says spinning round to look at Christian, there's a look on his face somewhere between shame and regret marring his features even though there are no words spoke between them Elliot either gets the go ahead or just decides to tell me anyway. "The night you met Christian, he wasn't in good place, he wasn't coping with Mia's death and was drowning his sorrows in alcohol. You gave him the courage and strength he needed to ask for help, I'm not sure if he would have otherwise and he was on a downward spiral before that. I cannot thank you enough for giving me my baby brother back, it means more to me than you could ever know."
"You… you know who I am?" I ask knowing there has to be something I'm missing because this doesn't make sense.
"I'm sure by now you know my little bro, is a genius with computers, right?" He says with a chuckle as if that the first thing out of Christian's mouth every time he meets someone new, I nod in response and he continues. "When he was back on his feet, he hacked into the campus CCTV to try and find you, but he couldn't, all he had was a grainy picture that no one we knew recognized. So, he couldn't find you and thank you for all you did."
They know who I am? They have my photo? Fuck! Relax if anything was going to happen because someone searched for you it would have happened 4 years ago! I knew that whoever Ray hired when I first came out of hospital to change my identity was good but clearly if someone like Christian couldn't find me then it might have been a damn fine job. Thank fuck!
"Can I hug you?" Elliot interrupts my escalating thoughts, thankfully stopping me from losing myself in a fear spiral.
"You want to hug me?"
"Yeah I want to say thank you?"
I hesitate, it's not that I don't want the hug, it's that I'm not sure how I'll react, sometimes I'm fine with hugs and others I really struggle leading to a panic attack. Usually if I know the person, I'm okay, but when I don't know someone that's when there can be problems. But for some reason I don't feel that impending sense of doom that I would normally if a virtual stranger asked to hug me. I think that is mostly because of the fact that I'm surrounded by people, Kate and Gail are right there and Ben is with me and although I haven't seen him, I know Jose will be close by.
"Okay but make it quick please."
"Sure, thank you." He says whilst hugging me, it may be one of the quickest hugs on record, but it still manages to last long enough for him to give me a quick squeeze before letting go. Luckily, it doesn't cause my heart rate to spike, but it does cause Ben to go on the offence as he isn't used to anyone but a 'friend' touching me in any way.
So as we all continue to stand there blocking quite a bit of the sidewalk I introduce Ben to everyone and they all give him the attention he craves, despite the fact that he's a service dog and most of the time you are told that service dogs shouldn't be petted while they are working, I've never really stopped any kind of affection from anyone who wants to pet him. He's such a physically affectionate dog, so it seems almost cruel to deny him. Plus, I know from experience that his training is so well embedded that even if he is being loved on, he's still working.
The fact that I'm introducing them all to Ben seems to be evidence enough that I'm sticking around, so thankfully I'm not forced to explain myself. I'm about to follow everyone inside when a black shadow at the edge of my vision catches my attention. Jose! I turn to him and let him know that we're staying, its times like these that I have to wonder how strong a self-control men like Jose and Sawyer must have when they watch situations like this where I'm clearly distressed but knowing that I don't need them to step in even if it is their job. That being said, I know that if either of them had seen Elliot go to hug me before I gave permission, they would have been there in a flash to stop him knowing that physical touch can spark any number of reactions in me.
Its only as we begin walking back into the pub that I get my first real glance at Taylor; he's dressed in a tight black t-shirt with rolled up sleeves and what I think are black tactical pants. I look down at he's feet just to check but I'm pretty sure I already know what he's wearing and sure enough when I look down, I see the trademark military boots I expected. I guess it must be a military thing, that you never break out of. Jose and Sawyer still both wear that outfit whenever I see them, it might just be work thing, though I don't think Ray requires they wear any kind of uniform because then they would stand out in a crowd which is the opposite of what they should be doing. Seeing as I've never seen either them outside of work, I can't attest to what they wear on their own time but if they are anything like Ray, I assume it's the same. Ray despite the fact he's been out of the military for almost twenty years he still wears a variation of that outfit every day, I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen him wear anything else unless absolutely necessary, like for bed or a black tie party because he can't wear them then. Even at his family events he still wears the tactical pants just with a button down or Henley to smarten it up a bit, but I think that is just because 'Mone makes him. The fact that 'Mone practically owns Ray always makes me giggle a bit because it is so unlike any image you would put together when you look at a man like Ray but to me that's just a testament to how much he loves 'Mone.
Thanks for reading as always, and if you leave a review, they really mean so much to me. Also let me know what you think about me trying to post once a week.
FearfullyBrave.