For those of you wanting more Ana and Christian scenes, I promise they're coming Ana just needs to come out of her shell a bit more but give it a couple more chapters and she should be there.
Ana's POV-
The last three weeks have been some of the best of my life, I never thought I'd ever be able to experience anything like them. Let alone gain what I'm pretty sure I can call friends. Most people over the age of twenty only really tend to make friends for a few reasons, and none of those were ever really an option for me.
Work for most people is a pretty obvious place for most people to make friends given that is where you spend most the week. I don't tend to see anyone besides 'players' at work or the occasional hostess handing out drinks, most of the wait staff are temporary so there isn't much point in making friends because they will be gone in a few months. One of the other ways a lot of people can make friends is through the significant others, but for me, that's never been an option. For one, I struggle with most forms of physical contact, even through clothing and the idea of letting someone touch bare skin is enough to make me hyperventilate and two through a significant other and their friends. But having a significant other would mean showing them at least a portion of my skin and therefore showing them my scars which I'm honestly unsure I will ever be able to do. On the rare occasions where I do have to show my skin to anyone it makes me feel exposed, like they can see inside my soul.
Like when 'Mone fitted my cast a couple of weeks ago he had to have bare skin to do so and even though I know he's seen almost every one of my scars at one point or another it still made it hard to breathe while he was doing it. I've always struggled with fitting in and maybe that has more to do with it than anything else, I think missing the early building blocks most kids develop when they are starting out in life. Most kids develop their first friendships at pre-school or even earlier depending on their circumstances but for me that never happened, I was always the odd little girl that couldn't run about and play with the rest of them because I was in too much pain or just afraid of what would happen if my parents found out that I was having fun. So, I decided it would be best if I just sat at the side-lines and watched but even as little kids everyone else seemed to find that weird, so I isolated myself even further by reading or just being by myself at recess, meaning no one was around to make fun of me.
Looking back, I can see how that made it so much worse, the more I read at school the quicker it became for me to pick things up in school and eventually I surpassed what was expected of someone my age. In the end, I was told I needed to skip grade two and grade six, so I did and then I was the weird kid in the class who was two years younger than everyone else and who wanted to play with the baby. The school wanted me to skip at least another grade in grade 9 but by that point, both my parents were too out of it to pull their heads out of their asses longest to sort that out. So, I stayed where I was until I graduated at sixteen from high school, I knew what I wanted to do but I knew I could go to college to do that, so I was going to go in undeclared just to appease my parents until I turned eighteen but then I met Ray.
Meeting Ray turned my world upside down and I will forever be grateful but thinking about the night he came into my life will always make me my heart pound and my palms sweat. Although that night will forever be imprinted on my memory, I don't actually remember Ray showing up because I was already unconscious. Not only did he save my life that night, but he also gave me a life I never thought possible, at least not for someone like me. I don't think Ray or even 'Mone fully understands how much they helped me and changed my life for the better.
Sitting on my couch reminiscing about the past while I wait for Gail and Kate to arrive, I can't help but think about how different my life is today compared to anything I could have imagined. For starters, I wasn't even sure I'd be alive to even see my eighteenth birthday let alone be less than a month away from my twenty-second birthday and I certainly didn't think I would be surrounded by so many people who I would be able to call friends. And never in a million years did I think I'd ever live in the building I do, I figured I was resigned to a life of grotty single bedroom apartments in questionable neighbourhoods. Yet here I am and that honestly blows my mind especially this time four years ago I was just getting out of the hospital after a yearlong stay and learning to walk and do almost everything for myself again.
A knock at the door pulls me from my head and prevents me from thinking too deep about what landed me in the hospital the night I met Ray. After about the fifth time I had to buzz in the group I decided to just had them to the list of approved visitors, so all they need to do is speak one of the doormen and they'll be allowed into the building and I made sure they all had the code to get up to my floor so all I need to do is let them know and they can get in. The first time they just knocked the door they scared me half to death, I forgot that they weren't going to buzz first and I freaked out because in my frightened daze I couldn't remember who was at the door.
"Hey." I say opening the door and Kate and Gail both lean forward to hug me, at first, I was really sceptical about hugging either one of them. It wasn't because I was worried, they would hurt me at all because I've gotten to know them both well enough to know that neither of them would be capable of something like that. It was because I was scared of what my reaction to them would be like, would it cause a panic attack, or would it cause my fight or flight instinct to kick in and I would potentially hurt one of them. In the end, I decided to just be honest about my reservations with them and told them part of the reason why all of them were very understanding and decided it was worth the risk.
"Hey, you looking forward to tonight?" Kate asks stepping past me and beelining for Ben, not even waiting to be let in true Kate fashion.
"Yeah, I just worry that my dancing will be horrendous, and I'll embarrass you."
"No way in hell, I've seen you when you bop along to a song in the car, you've got rhythm, so I think you'll be fine." Gail reassures me.
"Plus, it's club dancing so really all you need to do to look good is sway your hips side to side, and move your arms in a motion that doesn't knock anyone out and you'll be fine." Kate says from where's she's still on the floor petting Ben.
"Yeah I guess that's fair enough. Uh, what do I do if anyone… uh… wants to dance with uh… me?" I stammer out knowing it's an unlike scenario when I'm out with both Gail and Kate as the guys would go for them over me but the idea having a stranger be that up close and personal with me makes my skin crawl.
"You don't need to worry about that, Kate and I will be there to prevent anyone from getting handsy, as will the guys. Even if anyone was to get that close, I highly doubt they'd be able to touch you before one of your bodyguards stepped in." Gail cracks herself up with the last sentence, she finds it so funny that she even has to say the word bodyguard at all. The first time she said it she burst out laughing and I thought it was about me and how ridiculous it is, it really caught me off guard at how much it hurt me. I don't think it hit me till then just how close I've become to all of them and how much they mean to me. Once she calmed down and explained that it wasn't at me it was just the sheer absurdity of the statement itself not me, like she was hanging out with some kind of famous popstar or something I relaxed.
"Plus, you never know Christian may step in." Kate says wiggling her eyebrows suggestively but for the life of me I can't figure out why, yes, the other side of the bet was him taking me on a date but since then he hasn't brought it up since then. And really let's be honest given everything he knows about me now with my mental health issues and problems with physical touch what about that scream dateable?
"Kate." Gail growls in warning but again I'm not sure as to what because it's not like Kate is giving away any secrets.
"Alright, alright." She says putting her hands up and rising from where she is still bent down petting Ben. "Moving on, let's get ready for tonight." She says wandering off to my bedroom on the way I see her pause and look at the wall of landscapes and I know she wants to ask about the artist again but this time she thankfully doesn't because I don't want to try and explain as to why the artist isn't available, again.
"Come on, as promised Kate and I are going to 'club' you up." Gail grabs my hand and pulls me towards my room and Ben follows. She guides me to sit on the bed before telling me to wait while she and Kate disappear into the closet, Ben comes up and rest his head in my lap which helps me feel a little less overwhelmed.
When I agreed to go clubbing originally, I don't think I really thought through the logistics of it all, the fact that I would be surrounded by strangers not only that but that they would be drink and people tend to forget their boundaries when they are drunk. I also didn't think through the fact that I would most likely be the only sober person there, as well as the fact I would have to dance and dance on a crowded dancefloor, one that is specifically designed for people to get up close and personal. None of that hit me until yesterday when I was sat on the couch watching some random tv show while flicking through the channels and there was a scene with a couple in a club, it took me till then to realise that they would be me. I know that none of them are going to force me to dance with some random guy or even expect me to, hell I'll be amazed if I even make it onto the dance floor let alone dance with someone. I mean at work sometimes I'm downstairs in the club but I make a point to avoid the dance floor and usually stay behind the bar so I can keep my distance from everyone. I never really thought about what it would be like to be one of them, to be that person on the dancefloor grinding on someone looking to hook-up with, isn't that the whole point of a dancefloor at a club? Even if you're just dancing for fun, you still have to be good at it so you can relax and enjoy yourself, right? I mean most people drink so that they can lose their inhibitions enough to just let go, but I can't do that so all I will be able to focus on is how bad my dancing really is. I flop back on the bed with a sigh, which is loud enough that Kate and Gail hear and they both come out of the closet and join me on the bed. As they lay there with me, it strikes that this is the first time anyone besides Ben has been in bed with me, and honestly, I'm so proud of that because even just a few months ago that probably would have given me a panic attack.
"Will you stop thinking so much." Kate says tapping my forehead. "I could hear it from all the way in your wardrobe for Christ's sake."
"Yeah, she's right. What's wrong?" Gail asks.
"I'm worried I will have a massive freak out because of the fact that there are so many people there, people I don't know. And Ben can't come so if I do have panic attack who's going to be there to help?" I blurt out.
"Jeez, slow down or you are going to talk yourself into a damn panic attack before we even get dressed. First of we are going to be in a private booth so we aren't going to be around that many other people, so that shouldn't be an issue." Kate reassures me.
"Second of all if you have a panic attack, we'll all be there for you, well not all of us because we don't want to overwhelm you. But Kate and/or I will be with you at all times, we'll keep talking to you the whole time, we'll try and get you outside so you don't have to feel so enclosed and we'll help you with your breathing the way Ben does."
"Did you read some 'how to help with a panic attack guide', Gail?" I ask making myself giggle at the thought which eases some of the tension thrumming through me.
"Umm maybe, sorry we all just wanted to be there for you if it ever happened. Is that a bad thing?" She asks so unsure of herself.
"No, no not at all that means so much to me that you all care enough to do that for me. But if we are going to be in a private booth won't everyone be staring at us, I mean you two always draw a lot of attention and I'm not sure I can handle that."
"They can be curtained off I think and although I think you'll have fun once you do it, none of us are going to force you to dance. Even if all you want to do is sit there and watch us all night we won't care as long as you are having fun, that's the point of all this." Kate says putting her head on my shoulder, for a second I tense unsure of what to expect from the unfamiliar contact but when I realise that she isn't resting on any scars or hurting me I relax into the touch.
"Come on instead of stressing over all of this let's get dressed so we can actually go out tonight even if it's not to a club." Gail slides of the bed careful to avoid Ben where he is curled up on his bed, before reaching to pull both Kate and I off the bed.
"Okay first thing's first, the outfit." Kate says pulling us both into the closet. "You missy have got some explaining to do. You always hide everything we go out and you have a wardrobe full of these." Pulling back the curtain covering up my work clothes which makes Gail gasp.
"Holy fuck Ana, what are you a fucking dominatrix?" Gail rushes over and starts fingering through the clothes.
"Of course not." I lean against the wall of the closet for support as I double over in laughter at the sheer idea that I could be a dominatrix. Hell, I can hardly kill a fly without feeling guilty, let alone inflict any kind of pain on another human being, plus there is no way in hell I would ever want to be a domme.
Once we have all recovered from our laughter, we spend a few moments looking through the clothes, making random jokes about the leather. Eventually, they decide on what they want me to wear, Kate starts with the basics, holding out a simple black bra and panties along with a pair of tights I didn't know I had, probably came as part of a set. The tights look like just a simple black pair, but they have a virtually translucent top part coming to about mid-thigh before they become thicker and cover everything. Gail is holding a flared black mini skirt that's high waisted and comes down just far enough to cover the base of my ass, it's not something I wear very often and if I do it with very thick black tights definitely not the ones Kate is showing me. Gail is also holding a low-cut black vest top with a choker, which is something I wear but only under a long sleeve lace top that hides everything it needs to.
"No no no." I shake my head backing out of the closet.
"Okay is it just a part of the outfit or it as a whole?" Gail sits down next to me on the bed circumventing Ben who is propped between my knees and resting his head on his lap.
"It's everything, the tights they are just… I dunno, a lot and the skirt is pretty short considering the tights but its more the top I don't want to show that much skin."
"Why do you have the top if you don't wear it?" Kate places the rest of the clothes on the bed before joining us.
"I do I just make sure I'm covered when I do, I wear a uh… sheer black top over the top and I always wear it with trousers so it isn't too much."
"Trust me this will not be too much, not even close, most people will be wearing a whole hell of a lot less than this tonight, trust me. If you want the over top then put it on, we're not going to stop you, you know that. But you don't have to hide anything Ana you have a stunning figure no reason to cover it up."
"Kate's right, it is a stunning figure, I just would have said it in a way that did come across so lesbian-ny." Gail chuckles and Kate shoves her.
"It's not about that, I uh… have some scars and I don't like showing them to anyone so I keep them hidden, it's not about modesty or feeling self-conscious at least not about my weight I just don't like showing them because people think that when they are on display they have a right to ask about them and I don't like what they represent so I don't want to talk about them."
"So, you would be happy to wear the outfit just with the over top?" I nod at Kate in response. "Then that's your outfit sorted." She gets up and starts walking towards the closet again likely to find me a top.
"That's it? You're not going to uh… ask about the scars?" I ask unable to help myself.
"Do you want to talk about them?" I shake my head at Gail. "Then that's all we need to know, but I hope you know that if you ever want to tell us about them, we will be happy to listen. No judgement." With that one statement and the location of the scars they know about, it's easy to see why she said there would be no judgement. She thinks they are from self-harm but that couldn't be further from the truth, I know I should correct them, but I don't because self-harm is a far easier answer than the truth.
"Come on, let's get dressed and then onto hair and makeup." Gail pulls me up off the bed and towards the bathroom where they both hand me my clothes and tell me to get dressed. Once out of the bathroom they are both almost dressed, and it strikes me hard that they're both comfortable being undressed around me even knowing I can't do the same. The fact that they are both willing to show me that level of trust makes me heart almost hurt at how full it feels. It almost makes me want to just give in and show them my scars, but I can't do that without a much larger conversation, and although they both already mean so much to me, I'm nowhere near ready for that.
Kate steps into the bathroom after me needing to go to the loo but comes out a few moments later looking a little frazzled. She wanders over to the bed and reaches over the bed and into her bag and starts rummaging around in her bag for something but clearly cannot find whatever she is looking for because she comes up empty-handed.
"Fuck, Gail you got a tampon?" Oh!
"No, sorry I used my last one yesterday I mean to replace it. Ana you must have one, right?" Gail routes around in her bag as well but comes up empty.
"Uh… no." I freeze unsure of how to answer. "I uh… don't use tampons."
"Oh, that's fine, I don't mind, a pad will do."
"Erm… I don't have any." Knowing I'm going bright red in the face I duck my head.
"Ana relax there is no need to be embarrassed, you know every girl has a period, right?" Not every girl. "Kate and I won't judge what you use, whatever works for you."
"It's not about that. I really don't have anything, I d… do…. don't…" I take a deep breath and steel myself knowing that even if I tell them this, they won't know everything. "I don't have periods, I uh… can't have children." I rush out in one breath.
"Oh, Ana." Kate pulls me into a hug and Gail joins.
"Guys it's really not a big deal I've known about this since I was seventeen, I've accepted it." Kate places her hands on either side of my face and examines me, I imagine checking for any signs that I'm lying. But I'm not, it's something I came to terms with a long time ago, sure it sucks to know that the option isn't there if I ever want to, but I've accepted it. Having the option taken away from you makes you grieve for a life you'll never be able to have but if it had to happen to anyone at least it was me not someone who would have truly had their dream taken away.
"Alright, no worries I'll just get a tampon from one of the machines at the club." They both give me one last squeeze before letting go.
"I thought you were due last week." Gail questions sitting down at my desk looking at my makeup stash and hair tools with a critical eye.
"Yeah I'm a bit late but I think that's just because of all the stress at the end last month with wrapping up the internship. I was a bit worried for a day or two, but I just started spotting so there is nothing to worry about. Alright, enough about periods let's get dolled up."
After about an hour of teasing, curling and spraying all our hair is exactly like they want it to be, I did try to get them to go easy on me and not do anything too fancy because it's not my thing, but they insisted. Honestly, I'm glad they did because even if I don't want to admit it, I look hot. That may be the first time I've ever said that. Kate insisted on being the one to do my makeup, she went full out, contouring my face as well as smoky eye makeup that makes my eyes look incredible. She also used this mascara that makes my eyelashes look fake but no in that over the top way some people do it, and a dark red lipstick that pulls the who look together. Honestly, the whole look makes me look unrecognisable, it's so far past what I would normally do even for work, maybe that's why I look so hot? Both Kate and Gail have similar looks, so I don't feel like a clown or the odd one out, but this is all so far out of my comfort zone that its close.
They aren't dressed the same but they both have just about as much skin on show as me but without the sheer over top so I don't feel underdressed, but I have a feeling that once we get to the club, I might feel overdressed. Although I don't have a lot on it is still a great deal on considering the weather and that fact that even though the sun is going down it is still over ninety degrees outside, but I'm hoping that given it is all pretty thin I'll be okay. We're all dressed and ready just after ten which is apparently the right time to head to the club which surprises me because when I work in the club sometimes it's always packed by nine but really what do I know? We all say bye to Ben before we pick up Sawyer and get a cab.
"You never did tell me which club we were going to." I ask once we're in the cab and on our way, I'm proud that it took me until now to ask, it shows the level of trust, I've managed to attain in just a few short weeks. If this had been a few weeks ago I would have needed to know where we were going ahead of time just for peace of mind, the only reason I didn't ask the first night was that I was just too overwhelmed by everything to even think straight.
"Club 52." Oh, fuck! "I dunno if you've heard it but it is pretty famous, it's up on tenth avenue," Kate says not noticing the panic on my face.
"Well that's what everyone calls it, no one actually knows what it's called. It's supposedly named because of the club's sign. All it is…"
"Is a club, spade, heart and a diamond. Like the suits in a deck of playing cards." Interrupting Gail, I lock eyes with Sawyer in the front seat and I know he knows why I'm freaked out but the perplexed look on the girls' faces makes me realise they have no idea why we are both so freaked out.
"So, you know it?" Kate asks prompting me to give her some more information as to why I probably look like she just asked if I wanted to go swim in shark-infested waters. But what Kate doesn't realise is that my whole world, our friendships are about to blow up and none of them will ever look at me the same way again.
"Yeah, I know it."
So, there it is, please excuse any errors not only am I doing it myself I'm also falling asleep doing this, I just wanted it to be up tonight.
If you get a chance please leave a review, they mean so much to me and they motivate me to no end.
Thanks, as always for reading.
FearfullyBrave.