Ana's POV
As we walk back to mine with the takeaway pho in hand, I can't help the butterflies swirling in my stomach but for once they aren't the bad kind. It's not nervousness, it's excitement and I can't seem to wipe the smile from my face, as we walk, we talk about what we want to watch when we get back. Eventually deciding that the new action movie on Netflix sounds pretty good to both of us, I never used to be the type to like action movies but living with Ray turned that around for me. It's all he'll watch, heaven forbid you try to get him to watch something else, he won't not even for 'Mone; back when I lived with them I used to watch chic flics with 'Mone and action movies with Ray and since then I've developed a taste for them so long as they aren't extremely violent.
Back inside my apartment I take off the sunglasses and see about getting some utensils for the pho, once we're both situated on the couch Christian talks me through how to flavor my pho correctly. First, you have to add your green onions and bean sprouts and then the Hoisin sauce. Once it's made to his perfect standards we settle on the couch and watch the movie, and after we've both finished, he pulls me into his side, and I stay just like that until the movie is over. We spent the rest of the night chatting about our lives, he tells me about what it was like to grow up with Mia and Elliot and tell him more about what it was like living with my parents. I tell him about how I skipped two grades which inevitably leads to him teasing me about being a know it all, that somehow ends with us play fighting on the couch that results in a hot and heavy make-out session that leaves me breathless.
Before we've realized it, it's three in the morning and we're both exhausted but instead of asking him to leave and go back to his place for the night I take a leap of faith and ask him to spend the night. I mean it wasn't bad earlier, if anything it felt good to be wrapped in his arms, I felt protected although I'm not sure from what. I can't explain it but even as we lay here in my bed with his lips tracing a line down my throat and I can feel the rigid outline of his erection pressing into my groin I feel nothing but excitement. Even though I'm nowhere near ready for this to move any further it's fun and Christian made it clear that despite the fact he is spending the night he expects nothing further than a good old fashion make-out session. I'm thankful that he seems to get that I'm not ready and even though I'm still a virgin it's not that part I'm scared of, it's showing him my scars and hoping that even though he can see them he still thinks I'm beautiful. It's always been my biggest fear that someone won't be able to look past the scars, that they will see them as a sign of weakness, that I didn't stand up for myself or they will think them so unattractive they can't bear to look at me.
"You okay?" He asks, his lips all swollen from his assault on my neck, I didn't realize that I'd gotten so caught up in my own head.
"Yeah. Sorry."
"No need to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not yet."
"Alright, well let's talk about the picture wall. Are you ever going to tell Kate that you're the one who painted them?"
"Ugh." I bury my head in the pillow below me, I saw the open door earlier and I hoped that he hadn't been inside but clearly, I was wrong.
"Don't hide." He tips me back over onto my back, so I have no choice but to lift my head up. "Ana they're amazing. Why not tell her the truth?"
I stare up at the ceiling refusing to make eye contact, I don't know how to tell him without sounding like a crazy person.
"Growing up the only real escape I had was art, we didn't have a lot of money but there was always a notebook and pen and if there wasn't, I could always steal one from school. It was a way to be somewhere else, I'd go up onto the fire escape and just stare out at the city, we were on the second floor so we had a great view out over the city and I'd stay up there for hours and just draw whatever came to mind. I'd see a bird on a ledge or someone in a window and I'd just start drawing, it was the only time I could ever just be free, my father hated heights so if I ever just wanted to get away all I had to do was climb the stairs and I'd be free. When I drew there was no one telling me I was doing it wrong or that it was stupid it was just for me, I never wanted to share it because I didn't want anyone to take that away from me. When I first moved in with Ray and 'Mone there was so much I couldn't do, I was still too weak and I could barely walk so I asked for a notepad and pen, I think they thought I was going to journal or something. One day 'Mone found them, I hid the journal under my mattress and when he changed the bed they fell out and he saw this picture I drew of him and Ray cuddled up on the couch. I thought he was going to be mad at me for it, for drawing them but he wanted to know if I would do another one but paint it this time for them so they could put it up. At the time I'd never really hand the opportunity to paint, we'd didn't have the money for supplies, but he went out and brought me everything I needed, it took me like ten goes but I finally did it. They still have it hung up in their bedroom now, drawing always gave me an escape but it was like it was tainted with bad memories of when I was a kid but painting is all mine I don't need to do it as an escape, I get to do it because it is what I want. The wall started out as a postcard I painted then I decided I wanted to do something bigger so I started painting the wall, I thought no one but Ray and 'Mone would ever see it or know that I was the one who painted it so what did it matter."
"You're scared Kate won't like what you paint for her?"
"Yeah. It's one thing to do it for me, have it on my wall but what if I mess it up and she hates it or thinks it's stupid?"
"Ana, you've seen the way she looks at your wall do you really think she would dislike anything you painted for her? More so do you think Kate would make fun of something that clearly means so much to you?"
I mull it over for a moment before answering. "No, I guess not but I'm still scared."
"I know but scared can be a good thing sometimes, sometimes it means you're doing the right thing." He pulls me into his arms so we're spooning again. "Just think about it, if you don't want her to know then I won't tell her, but I think she'd love it even more if she knew you were the one who painted it."
I stay, like that cuddled in his arms until I fall asleep.
I startle awake feeling the warm body pressed against me distinctly less furry than I'm used to, and it takes me a moment to realize that I'm not in any danger. It takes me even longer to realize that for once in my life I've slept in, I never do, I'm either woken up by a nightmare or I'm just too anxious and panicky worrying about oversleeping that I wake myself up at some ungodly hour given that I worked till three or four AM. Once the fog of sleep clears it becomes clear just how much later in the day it is, there are no bird calls filling the air and the sun seems much higher in the sky than I'm used to. I try to pull myself away Christian, from where I'm plastered into his side with my hand on his chest and my leg across his groin. I guess morning wood isn't a myth. His arm tightens around my waist and his other pulls my leg further across his body, which only seems to push his erection further into my leg.
"Don't move. Not yet." Nuzzling into my hair he takes a deep breath his voice still groggy from sleep.
"Erm." I stammer out desperately trying not to focus on the fact that my calf is now firmly pressed his erection, seeing as I can't force the words through my lips, I shift my leg slightly hoping that he will get the message. As my calf presses into him, his erection twitches below me, making us both fly apart faster than I would have thought possible for two people who just woke up. For a moment we just stare at each other, both unblinking before both of us crack up and double over laughing.
"You." Christian launches himself at me once he has somewhat recovered, pinning me to the bed with his weight, leaning down to nip at my neck with his teeth. The action causes me to freeze, only this time not because I'm scared, I think because a part of me instinctively knows that he won't hurt me, it's just not who he is. Christian pulls back sensing my apprehension, lifting his weight from me and moving to roll off of me. "Sorry."
Before I have a chance to second guess myself and my morning breath, I pull him back to me sinking my hands into his hair. His lips connect with mine and this time it's him who freezes, but unlike me he recovers quickly, pressing his weight back onto me as our tongues tangle. I loop my legs around his lower back needing him to be somehow even closer if that's possible. I'm so lost in the kiss and Christian that it takes me a moment or two to realize that he's grinding his crotch against mine, sparks radiate out through my abdomen making me gasp. Which seems to snap Christian out of his daze and he once again pulls back, I instantly tighten my legs around him not letting him move, which makes him groan.
"Fuck." He presses his forehead to mine. "I'm sorry. I got carried away."
"No, it's okay, it was uh… pretty… incredible?" I force myself to be honest despite the fact I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. "I'm uh not ready for it to move further but uh… this is fun." I say burying my face in his neck, so I don't have to look him in the face. Taking advantage of my position Christian presses his lips to my exposed neck and trails kisses down to my throat which makes me relax into the bed. The moment my mouth is free he latches his lips onto mine, but he pulls back all too soon.
"Ana look at me." It's only then that I realize that my eyes are still closed, he runs his finger down my cheek and my eyes flutter open coming into contact with his stormy greys. "Listen, if this is all you ever want to do then this would be enough for me."
"But aren't I uh… teasing you?" I say fighting everything in me that wants to pull the pillow over my face and hide from his intense gaze.
"Not at all, Ana everything you've said, tells me you aren't ready for more, and hell I'm not even sure I'm ready for more. And I meant what I said, even if this is all you are ever ready for, there are plenty of ways we can have fun with our clothes on, when and if you are ready for that. Anyone whoever tells you different doesn't deserve to see you this way, ever."
"But don't you want more?"
"Do I wish that one day that you'll let me in enough that I get to see and experience all of you? Yes, but I don't just mean your body, I mean in here too." He says as he strokes my temple. "Because what's in here means just as much to me if not more, than what's out here." He strokes his thumb over my pulse point and my breath catches in my throat.
I can't help myself; my head is off the pillow and my lips are once again fused to his before my mind catches, I don't think he realizes it, but his words mean more to me than any gesture ever could.
We are both so lost in the kiss and each other that when my phone alarm goes off it startles us both as we pull apart panting. My brain is so clouded by endorphins that it takes me a moment to figure out why the alarm is blaring, when I finally figure it out I sit up so fast that I almost head butt him but thankfully he seems to have the reflexes of a cat and lurches to the side just before we have a chance to collide. I scramble for my phone where it's laying on my dresser on the other side of the room praying, I'm wrong because if I'm right then I'm really, really late. When I look at the words on the screen my heart sinks and I feel slightly nauseous, Christian must sense my anxiety.
"What's wrong?" He asks clearly sensing my anxiety.
"I'm late." I don't know what else to say because if I tell him why I'm late there's every chance he'll think I'm completely crazy or he'll see right through everything I've built.
"For what?" Gesturing his hand signaling me to go on.
"I… I…" I stammer as my throat tightens and my breathing falters before I can even blink Christian is in from of me, his hands on my cheeks boxing me in which comforts me instead of scaring me.
"Look at me." He says and my eyes instantly snap to his. "Breath with me, in and out." It takes a few tries but eventually my breathing evens out and he pulls me into his arms crushing me into his chest. "Nothing you tell me is going to change anything, nothing." With my face pressed into his solid peck, his steady pulse thrumming in my ear I feel confident enough to continue.
"Art therapy, every weekend I go to this local children's home and I teach the kids there to paint, draw and just create as a way to cope with the shitty hands they've been dealt in life."
"That sounds amazing, can I come?" He presses a kiss into my hair as I pull back to get a look at his face to see if he really means it, that he's not just humoring me. But when I search his features there isn't any trace that he's insincere.
"You really want to come, don't you?" I ask despite myself needing to hear the words.
"Of course, it's clearly something that's important to you which means it's important to me."
Walking up the pathway to the children's home, I can feel my palms sweat, as my heart pounds against my chest wall, I pull my hand from Christian's and wipe my clammy hands down my leggings. Christian pulls me into his side and presses a kiss into my hair, thankfully he doesn't say anything, doesn't tell me that it's going to be okay because I think he can tell that this isn't a simple as it may seem. Somehow bringing him here feels more like baring my soul to him that sharing a bed did, this means showing him a part of me that I'm not even sure 'Mone and Ray fully know about. It's not that I'm worried he will disapprove, I'm worried that he'll be able to see that foolish part of me with a dream that one day I can do more for these children than I let on.
"Ana." A small voice pulls me from my head even before we make it all the way up the path, I look up to find Jamie running down the path towards us in just his socks. The grown-up in me wants to admonish him for running outside without shoes on but I push it down and open my arms to him.
"Hi, Buddy." I say pulling him into a quick hug, over his shoulder I see a much smaller body running towards me, I brace just in time for her to make it to us. I stand with both of them in my arms, but their combined weight is more than I can handle with only one good arm and Bonnie almost falls from my grasp as I straighten. Christian catches her with his cat-like reflexes but the moment she realizes who caught her she starts to cry which sets Jaime off.
"You big meanie, you made her cry." He reaches out to push Christian away trying to protect her sister nearly pulling himself out of my arms.
"Jaime enough, he didn't mean it, he was trying to help." I try and calm Jamie as I pull Bonnie closer to me and she buries her face in my neck. "Shh, shh you're okay. I've got you." Bonnie calms almost instantly at my words and her cries are replaced with sniffles as she starts to suck on her thumb, Jaime rubs at her hair. As much as I want to hold them both, they're too heavy with just one good arm. "Jamie, can you go and get me Bunny." I ask wondering where the little stuffed rabbit is, usually, it never leaves her hand, Jaime squirms his way out of my grasp but he's still too small to do it safely. So, Christian helps him, thankfully Jaime doesn't seem to notice, to preoccupied with getting Bunny for Bonnie.
With my other arm now free I can hold Bonnie properly; I rock her in my arms whispering quiet words to her trying to comfort her. She burrows herself further into my side which seems to calm her, mercifully before long she's calmed down, but she is still glued to my body.
"Bonnie." I say running my hand over her cheek trying to pull her from the cocoon she seems to have made in my hair, undoubtedly leaving behind snot and tears in but I can't bring myself to care. "Hi, sweetie." I say once she pulls herself free, she smiles up at me for a second before burrowing right back after looking over my shoulder, I don't need to look to know she's seen, Christian. "Bonnie, I promise he won't hurt you. This is my friend Christian." I whisper in a desperate attempt to get her to ease her fears.
"I have Bunny." Jaime says once again running out without shoes on, which makes Bonnie perk up and look. Jamie tries to pass me Bunny be he's too short to reach me and Bonnie and I don't want to let go of her for fear I may drop her. So Christian reaches down and opens his hand to Jamie, at first Jamie looks confused by the gesture but when understanding dawns, he looks up at me for permission, I nod, and he hands Bunny to Christian.
"Here." Christian says offering Bunny to Bonnie, his voice almost unrecognizable, its softer than normal and higher making it less gravely, which helps make him seem less intimidating. Bonnie looks at Christian for a moment before snatching Bunny from his grasp and pulling him to her chest, but this time she doesn't hide her face she just rests in on my chest.
"Jamie, this is Christian, my friend. I promise you he wasn't trying to hurt Bonnie or scare her he just didn't want her to fall and hurt herself." I look down at Jamie as I talk hoping that he'll understand because even at just five he's fiercely protective over his sister and tends not to do well with new people for fear they may hurt her. "Christian this is my friend Jamie." I say looking to Christian when Jamie's features soften.
Christian crouches down and extends a hand to Jamie, he hesitates for a moment or two before reaching out to shake it.
"Sorry I pushed you, that was mean. I shouldn't have done it." Jamie says surprising us both, but I shouldn't expect any less he's been working really hard on being kinder to others with his therapist.
"Thank you, Jamie. That means a lot. I'm also sorry, I didn't mean to scare Bonnie; I just didn't want her to get hurt."
"It's my job to make sure she doesn't get hurt." Jamie says squaring off against Christian.
"Yeah you're right that's every big brother's job but you know, sometimes it's okay to let other people help." Christian looks up to me, I'm not sure if they ask if he was right in saying it or to apologize for overstepping his bounds but I nod all the same to tell him it's okay.
"How about we all go inside, and you can show Christian how we do our art? How does that sound?" I say trying to get us all inside given we already running a little late before all this.
Jamie doesn't even hesitate just runs straight back inside pushing the door open revealing Kelly the lady who runs this group home. Kelly is one of the sweetest people I've ever met, I mean you kind of need to be to run a group home for children, but honestly, there isn't one unkind bone in her body. She's the kind of person who would give you the coat of her back if she thought you needed it. She must be in her late fifties by now, but she still has a youthful spirit, which the kids all take full advantage of.
"Hi, Ana." Kelly says giving me the awkward one-armed hug she always does, but with Bonnie still in my arm, I can't even try to reciprocate so it's even worse than normal. "And who's this handsome fellow?" She says focusing all her attention on Christian.
"Kelly this is Christian my uh… friend. Christian this is Kelly she runs the group home." They both exchange pleasantries while Bonnie leans up to whisper in my ear.
"I need the bathroom." Bonnie has selective mutism, so she only talks to a few people, once of which is, fortunately, me, I've known her for nearly a year, but she's only willingly talked to someone other than Jamie for about six months. When she first arrived, we all thought that maybe she didn't talk, given that she was barely two it seemed like a reasonable conclusion, but one-night Kelly caught her and Jamie talking. Jamie later explained that she didn't talk to anyone until she knew they were 'safe', so it really is a privilege that she talks to me at all. Kelly is also one of the few people she talks to but given that Christian is here she isn't willing to talk out loud.
"Sure sweetie. Kelly will take you while I get everything set up, how do you feel about painting today?" She nods in response and Kelly plucks her from my arm, taking her down the hall to the bathroom.
"Are you okay?" Christian asks once they are all out of the room.
"Yeah. Uh… it just always throws me when she gets upset like that."
"About that, is she okay?" He asks in a more hushed voice while looking in the direction Kelly took her.
"Yeah she will be. She's not very comfortable around most people, let alone tall bulky men like you. Their Mom's boyfriend wasn't a very nice man, and while she doesn't seem to remember much about their time together, it's like her fear is ingrained." Something I understand all too well. "It just takes her a while to warm up to people, Bonnie didn't talk for a while after she got here, she still doesn't talk to many people, aside from me, Kelly and Jamie there really isn't anyone she willingly talks to. She has uh… selective mutism so don't be surprised if she doesn't talk to you or completely avoids you all together." I ramble out so that he can try and understand that it isn't personal.
"Hey look at me." It isn't until Christian's hands are on my face pulling me to face his that I realize that I'm even looking at the floor. "Don't look so worried, I'm not taking it personally, if I've learned anything from you it's to not take someone being afraid of you to heart, it can just mean you remind them of someone they'd rather forget." My gaze flies to his at those words and away from his chin, I expect to see some sort of recrimination but all I see is understanding. "But look how far you've come, I held you all night last night and I don't think that when we met you even saw that as a possibility, so I think I can safely say that people can come around. So, don't be worried about me, or her for that matter I'm sure I can charm her and show her I'm not a scary guy, even if I have to take it slow so as not to scare Bonnie. And as for Jamie, he might act tough, but I think I can take him." He says with a happy smile that shows be he isn't taking this the wrong way at all.
As we wrap up our two-hour session, I watch Jamie help Christian carry some of the paints back to the trolley I can't help but be amazed at how far he's come. When he and Bonne first arrived, he could speak but it wasn't as clear as it should be for a boy his age, at first everyone was worried that he and Bonnie would be developmentally challenged, not that there would have been anything wrong with that but we all wanted the best for him. Thankfully it seems to have been just a product of neglect, we don't think anyone really talked to him, so he didn't really get a chance to develop his language. Given the full-on conversation he and Christian are having about football, I think it's safe to say that our effort to make sure he got the chance to develop those skills has worked tremendously well. It's kind of crazy to me that he is starting kindergarten in a week or two, and the preliminary testing they did to see where he was starting at the beginning of the year shows he's testing above average.
And Bonnie just turned three so she will be going to pre-k in a few weeks as well, although she won't be going full time like Jamie just a few days a week to see how she will do. Even though I'm excited for her taking this step I'm worried about how she'll cope, she doesn't really interact with other children much besides Jamie despite there being five other children here. She won't even talk to them but we're hoping that without Jamie there for her to fall back on she will want to interact and play with other children. The same goes for Jamie really, for once maybe he can just be a kid like any other because he won't have to spend the whole time worrying about her.
So, there you go, I hope you enjoyed.
I'm hoping to have the next chapter up within the next few days, I know this one was a little later than normal.
Thanks for reading, if you can please leave a review, they mean so much to me.
FearfullyBrave.