The first-trimester of pregnancy is usually the hardest for most women. Setsuna had only heard about this from the other courtesans, whenever the topic of pregnancy and motherhood gets brought up during their casual conversations. But now, Setsuna has experienced such difficulty at first-hand.
She had to fight her morning sickness and make sure that no one else saw her vomit. Hinowa tried to visit her more often, but things just got tougher to keep as a secret, causing her to get more stressed, which was definitely bad for the baby. Eventually, the best friends decided to inform Lady Miya, who, in the first place, was not the type to be fooled – proven by her unsurprised reaction.
Caught off guard, Setsuna could only utter dumbly, "Eh? Lady Miya, you knew?"
"Why'd ya think no one barged into ya in the restroom for the past days, huh?", the shop owner clicked her tongue, "It was a pain to distract those girls."
The raven-head beamed at the elder woman, "As expected of Lady Miya!", to which the latter just rolled her eyes, in response.
On the contrary, chestnut head hung low, "Thank you, Lady Miya. I...I..", with the young mom feeling a surge of emotions hit her, "...I... just...d-don't..", until she broke down into sobs.
"Don't cry. Let't think of a way soon. 'Ya must at least tell a few of the girls here about this, since Hinowa can't always be here. For now, focus on makin' sure that kid grows healthily."
As if such words of encouragement weren't enough, Setsuna realized that the smell of cigarette – that usually accompanied her boss – was currently very faintly present. Noticing the unlit cigarette between Lady Miya's fingers, she cried even harder.
She blamed her being overly-emotional on the hormones.
There were times when she felt so lonely and depressed, dreaming about him. It was a given for her to miss her lover, but sometimes, she missed him too much. Taking things to the extreme, she craved for his scent and taste so badly, that she just wanted to take a long drag on a cigarette or a pipe. Before she could even attempt to – fortunately and unfortunately – Lady Miya, who was keenly monitoring her, had already stopped and scolded her big time. Thus, as an alternative, she ended up weepily playing the shamisen while remembering everything about him, and pondering about his well-being.
Furthermore, what she wondered about him the most was what he was seeing with that green eye of his. That was why when she has received a letter from him for the first time since he left, she bawled her eyes out. How could she not, when she read the following,
"Drifting along with books and sword, I travel to horizon's end;
Luggage hoisted low on my shoulders and grass sandals on my feet.
The frosted field spreads out vast, the autumn wind chilly.
A great man need make no plans for his gravesite;
Wherever he goes, there are blue mountains where his bones can be lain."
Takasugi really did tell her about the outside world.
She imagined being on his grass sandals; and through the hazy memories from her brief childhood on the surface, she has managed to dig, she tried to draw the horizon, the frosted field, and the blue mountains around her to replace her tiny room. Without sunlight, the underground red-light district was always cold; therefore, in her imagination, she was gladly basking under the warm sun, feeling the contrast brought by the chilly autumn breeze.
But such happiness was temporary, once she realized what the lonely green iris truly saw.
The blue mountains – lush with life – was nothing but a place of death for the dark purple-haired samurai. All around him were blue mountains, which means that death is all around him; and that he was prepared to die anywhere, and anytime.
She understood, without him explicitly telling her and only by his poetic nature, how much he longed to die.
Thinking about this, and about the image of his luggage hoisted low – either because of its heaviness or his shoulder's lack of strength and motivation to carry such luggage – she confirmed for the nth time that her decision of not informing him about her pregnancy was correct, and that there can't be any more additional weight on his back.
She – they can't be extra luggage on his shoulders.
Consequently, there were worse times, when she thought about giving up on the child and herself.
Things would be easier for her, for Lady Miya and the very few girls in this shop she trusted enough, for Hinowa, and for her dear Shinsuke, if she got rid of the life forming inside her– she figured one time, while taking a sip of sake in the room she shared with a customer, who was downing his own glass. With such thought and with her relishing the taste that achingly reminded her of her beloved's lips and mouth, she wanted to finish drinking what was on her cup then drown herself with the rest of the bottles of liquor.
What the man beside her said was inaudible to her, given her jumbled mind; but what came next was something she didn't fail to register. When her hair was pulled backwards and when the cup on her hands was forcibly crushed to her lips, she didn't feel any pain; but immediately after she tasted the bitter liquid pouring into her mouth, she felt panic and anger. As quick as a switch, all ideas of ending a tiny and innocent creature perished, as the mother in her mustered all the strength she could and pushed the cup of clear poison off her, then swiftly pulled the kanzashi off her hair and stabbed the bastard's damned hand.
At the man's scream, Lady Miya and two other ladies instantly arrived. The customer's curses were muffled, as Setsuna's ears were only filled with her rapid and heavy breathing. Tears soon rolled down her cheeks, but not because of the man's bloody hand; instead, it was because of her regretting the horrible thoughts she just had. While crying, she kept on saying "I'm sorry" – not intended to the customer but to the precious treasure growing in her belly – until she felt weak and short of breath, then passed out.
The following day, dark gray orbs awakened to azure and purple ones.
"Setsuna!", both Hinowa and Tsukuyo exclaimed. In response, she gave out a small smile, and tried to sit up, with Hinowa quick to assist her.
It wasn't surprising to see her black-head friend, given the incident the previous night; but it was not that often to see the blonde, especially since she was busy in her training, "Tsukuyo-chan, what brought you here? You have no training today?"
Violet irises stared straight at her, "I heard what happened."
Ah, that jerk probably ranted and complained at the Hyakka.
"...then Hinowa told me about you...and the kid", the younger teen continued in a more worried tone.
Ah.
That's right.
The sun and the moon are both close to her.
How foolish of her to even think about caving into the darkness, when she has so much light surrounding her.
Enlightened, she tenderly held their warm hands with each of her own. The three of them then talked for a while, until the Hyakka trainee excused herself to go back to her training, "Again, I'm glad for you, but please stay safe, Setsuna."
Tsukuyo was definitely trustworthy and reliable. However, the problem now was the other girls of the shop, who, Hinowa informed her, were already suspecting pregnancy and were presently asking Lady Miya for confirmation and answers in the lobby. After pondering for minutes, they decided it was time to tell them. Hence, with Hinowa next to her, Setsuna met her co-workers in the lobby and confessed both her pregnancy and her identity.
"Some of you are probably aware of this already, but for those who aren't, I want to tell you my real name. My name is Setsuna. It means 'pure world.' I deeply apologize for being late, but nice to meet you all."
At her introduction, majority of the ladies were surprised, yet bowed back to her, nonetheless. There were some, who looked a bit hurt for her keeping her name from them. Meanwhile, Lady Miya put out her cigarette and watched the unplanned meeting of her girls plus Hinowa.
The pregnant teen proceeded by getting on her knees, "Now that you all know of my true identity, I, Setsuna, entrust you with my life...with this child's life. Thus, I humbly beg for your help and cooperation", then lowered her chestnut head to the ground.
Some gasps could be heard, followed by some sniffling. Setsuna could feel her chest tighten and her own tears form, when a pair of arms urged her to rise up.
It was Hinowa, as always.
Standing next to her, Hinowa steadily held both of her shoulders. Her royal blue eyes were shining; and composed as ever, the dark-haired woman started her wonderful speech.
"This child is a blessing made out of love. This child could inspire us women of Yoshiwara. Setsuna's child will be our child, as well. For us, who are not allowed to be mothers, this is our chance to be a mother. This is our rebellion. This is a piece of freedom."
As soon as her inspiring words reached the other ladies, the lobby was filled with sobs and cheers, as the ladies literally formed around her and Hinowa for a group hug – as if they were all drawn to the sun next to her in the center.
It felt so warm.
And that was when Setsuna realized how the shop was illuminated, and it was not just because of the sun. These women each have their own light – a flame of a candle's wick, just like her own – and even if it might not be as bright and strong as sunlight and moonlight, when combined, they could form a large fire that could engulf anything in its area.
With the help of everyone, Setsuna managed to survive not just past the most difficult first trimester, but even past the next two. For the rest of the months, she was exempted from courtesan duties, and the other courtesans secretly took care of her. For instance, when she was four months pregnant, she started craving Yakulk, which was a drink Takasugi liked. The girls bought Yakulk for her, and smuggled some when supplies run out. Also, whenever a regular customer of hers appear, they'd either cover for her or if they couldn't help it, they'd assist her in hiding her expanding belly through her clothes, so she could entertain the customer – using tricks to make sure she stays away from alcohol, nicotine, tobacco, and the like. In return, Setsuna did more cooking, laundry and other chores for everyone. Moreover, thanks to Tsukuyo's help and Hinowa's influence, a few members of the Hyakka also cooperated with hiding Setsuna and her pregnancy.
But some things are fleeting and too good to be true.
It's spring, it's May and it's the day; and she's been in labor for about seven hours already. This, she thought, was the most difficult and painful part in pregnancy. To make things worse, a Hyakka member they trusted entered the storage room at the back of the shop to relay some news, as the delivery went on.
"This is bad! The rest of the Hyakka found out about Lady Kuri being pregnant."
"What?! How?"
"I don't know, but I can assure you that it wasn't us Hyakka members who knew about this. News has probably reached Lord Housen already, including the fact that Lady Hinowa is involved; and since Jiraiya-sama, and Tsukuyo are out training, they might send not just the Hyakka, but also Lord Housen's men to find you."
The pain was just too much to handle that the one in childbirth couldn't follow on the rest of the conversation. All she knew was that she has to give birth to the baby immediately. Trying to keep her grunts as low as she could, she pushed.
The next thing she saw was Lady Miya and another Hyakka member entering. In her current state, she only managed to catch some muffled words from their boss. Lady Miya was saying something about 'an old man', 'the baby', and the name 'Lady Kuri.' Furthermore, the older woman went behind her and cut her chestnut hair using a kunai, then left.
By this time, another wave of contractions began; and she could only tighten her hold on warm hands, as she pushed – with the owner of the hands letting out encouraging and comforting words. Despite her literally crushing such hands due to stress and pain, Hinowa's beautiful face didn't even flinch. Consistent as ever, the sun never left her side. Her best friend's orbs were still sparkling, along with her smile still being dazzling.
Gathering the energy from all the ladies' lights in the room, she gave one last and long push. Following this, she heard delighted cheers, and soon, she heard the cry of a baby, standing out among the cries of the women.
"A boy!", someone announced, and the face of a certain samurai instantly popped in Setsuna's mind – causing the corners of her mouth curve up.
She then felt Hinowa's hand slip away and afterwards, she saw the baby wrapped in clothes being hoisted up by her most trusted friend, for the other ladies to see. Next, the baby was brought towards her. With all the strength she could muster, she carefully held the infant on her arms, and it instantly stopped crying. This time, it was her turn to cry.
Her son – their son – is so beautiful and radiant.
The memory of her lover's face lingered in her mind, as she thought, 'Shinsuke, look. Our child is so lovely and is very well-loved too', hoping that her unspoken words could somehow reach him like a miracle.
The child is so pure.
How can someone so small, delicate and lightweight be powerful enough to replace all the bad memories, experiences and impressions she has about this place – about this world – and induce her to come up with a conclusion.
The world is pure.
'Shinsuke...the world is pure', she mentally recited like a prayer – envisioning a world with clear and bright skies. With this, she decided to pick a name from the list of possible names, she had previously made.
Seita.
She affectionately declared, "Seita. My baby, Seita...written with the characters... 晴太 , which means 'clear up' and 'thick or very' respectively."
His name symbolizes the non-metallic, natural, clear and vast sky that everyone longed for. He's considered as a child of Yoshiwara, so it's only fitting for him to represent the freedom they're fighting for.
As if the boy, Seita, has recognized his name, he opened his eyes.
Green.
They were green, like his father's.
But the difference was that Seita's eyes were still two and were still lustrous. At such realization, the young mother could only give out a weak smile, as hot tears continuously fell. By this time, she started feeling weaker and dizzier. Despite this, the warrior dedicated all the strength left in her to hold onto the bundle of joy in her arms, as she spoke while catching her breath,
"In all of this darkness and death, there will always be light and life in this world...like the flames of candle wicks, the sun, the moon...and this boy's green eyes."
As soon as she had uttered such statement, dark eyes began perceiving so much light. Instead of gaining energy from such illumination, however, she felt her energy getting drained. Panic and fear welled inside of her and she ever-so-desperately tried to clutch Seita, who was slowly slipping away from her arms, that were beginning to have difficulty in supporting weight due to her exhausted and deteriorating body. In an instant, though, she saw her sun, already catching and holding the baby.
Hinowa's there, as always.
Setsuna's vision was getting blurry, but she somehow figured out that it was not just because of the tears.
.
.
.
Ah, she wouldn't make it, huh?
In spite of the blurriness, she could see how her best friend slash sister appeared to be worried and was saying something. Her heart was pumping too loud that the only thing she could comprehend was how beautiful Hinowa still looked like, even with the current state of Setsuna's vision and body. Suddenly, she was reminded of their younger years, and how the other's blue eyes remained glowing through the years.
And that was how it dawned upon her how Hinowa was not just the sun, but also the sky and heavens as a whole – with her entire presence brilliant like the sun; her eyes blue, egalitarian and nondiscriminating like the sky; and her heart and soul clear and boundless like the heavens.
"Hinowa, t-thank you...my sun...my everything, I-I love you so much", she managed to say.
The raven-haired woman's orbs anxiously shifted from hers to the other women then back to hers, while the former's lips shakily moved. The sounds were muffled due to her unstable condition, but she still caught on the terror spreading around the storage room.
Ah, Hinowa's not being her usually-composed self. That's bad news, right?
While struggling ash orbs tried to scan each person in the room, Setsuna reminisced about her life in this place, which she hated. Somehow, Yoshiwara started to grow a little on her, when she met these ladies, who became her allies in her war.
"E-everyone...t-thank you...p-please take care...of our child..."
'...Seita.', the chestnut-haired woman inwardly continued – when the words got stuck, when her chest got tighter and when speaking and breathing became more difficult and painful.
'Hinowa!', she desperately screamed inside her mind, 'Shinsuke!' – begging to be saved.
Setsuna wanted to live.
As a sister, for Hinowa.
As a friend, for everyone.
As a courtesan, for Lady Kuri.
As a warrior, for Setsuna.
As a mother, for Seita.
As a lover, for Shinsuke.
She wanted to live to save her lover from killing himself and from the pain of death.
Death is painful, she now knew; and she wanted to warn him.
She wished to let him know how he had created life; and that death is not around him, instead, life is.
She wished to let him realize how the world is now pure, with their dearest Seita in it.
She wished to live with him and their son in those blue mountains – full of untainted beauty and life – and under clear and sunny skies.
Ultimately, she wished to tell him that she had won her own war.
By having Seita, she had been freed.
Ah, she has understood at last that not all winners of a war live on. Shinsuke probably thought that her belief was naive. Still, she didn't regret telling him that, because it somewhat pushed him to stay alive for now; because it enabled them to spend some time together, even if it was for a fleeting moment; and because it led them to the purest of all, Seita.
Too bad, he couldn't hear any of this from her.
She could only repeat such prayers in her head. As she felt her body give in and her soul leaving and drifting away, she made one more prayer, which was for her to meet everyone in her next life – with them being free to bask in sunlight and moonlight; and for her to happily be with Shinsuke – this time, without hurt and grief in his pair of eyes.
Finally, she closed her eyes.
And in Setsuna's last moments, she could only see green.
A/N:
T-T
Well, I guess we all saw that coming... :( But still, it was hard and heartbreaking for me to write this chapter, most especially the last part ;A;
To theEmpress09, aww Ikr :( At the start, I was actually worried on how I could make this story interesting, when everyone already knows what's gonna happen in the end: Hinowa losing her legs and Seita's biological mother dying. That's why I'm really pleased to know that you guys are enjoying this fic. Thank you! ;A; Anyway, this chapter won't be the last flashback one. I'm planning to write Hinowa's POV and Takasugi's POV, as well.
To TheInsectPillar, hello! Thanks a lot for your review and for liking this fic :) Hope I managed to make this chapter worth the wait (even if it's sad...sorry). Also, feel free to share more about your thoughts or ask me if you have some questions~
To the guest, yay you're back, thanks! Again, I'm glad you reminded me on informing you all about their ages. To answer your question, nope, Takasugi doesn't know yet, but we'll get to see things from his perspective in the future chaps :)
Btw, the contents of the mentioned letter, that Setsuna received from Takasugi, are actually lines from one of the poems or compositions of real-life Takasugi Shinsaku. I just got a part from it and did a little re-arranging. I guess, this is how Sorachi-sensei created Shinsuke as an emo edgelord (lol).
Lastly, thank you, dear readers; and I wish my OC, Setsuna, managed to leave a good impression on you all, even if you only get to see her for a short while. But, don't worry, this is not the end yet. I hope you all patiently wait and look forward to the next chapters, yay!