Chapter Six: The Truth Is Never Easy:
Jim cursed Khan, Spock and whatever God might be listening as he sat in his hospital bed, again wearing an itchy gown and aching from the vigorous numbers of tests Bones had decided to run on him, leaving him in an utterly foul mood. His two most disliked people were sat guard in the room, under a pretence of keeping him company, he was sure that in reality they were there to stop him making a break for it.
Despite having said several times that his First Officer should head home and rest, Spock remained and seemed unwilling to shift anytime soon, not wanting to leave him alone with Khan for a second longer than he had to, to the point of refusing to get cups of tea just so he didn't have to leave the room. It was driving Jim insane.
He felt fine, he had no bruises; no injuries to speak of and his headache was gone again. All he really wanted to do was file his report to Starfleet and get some sleep. But no, here he was, at three in the morning waiting for Bones to deliver the news he was already aware of.
Khan's blood was turning him into a super soldier like the man it had come from, he was healing really well from wounds, he kept having headaches and was seeing things that weren't there on very rare occasions, and the process of his 'transformation' was most likely at an end. It wasn't a big deal.
As the thought crossed his mind, the door to his room opened and the doctor himself walked in, poker face in play as he strode towards the bed.
"So, what doom and gloom have you come to deliver this time?" he asked sarcastically, "I honestly can't wait to hear it."
"Stop messing around, Jim." the doctor scolded, "This is no time for fooling around."
"What appears to have you so worried, Doctor McCoy?" Spock asked from his silent vigil.
"I can't hide any of this from you any more Jim, its time you knew the score." Bones took a deep breath as he scrolled through all of his test results.
"I already know about the DNA thing, we spoke about it before you released Khan, remember?" Jim waved a hand dismissively, playing with the plaster on the inside of his elbow where blood had been taken.
There was a suddenly heavy tension in the room, which made Jim look back up, Bones and Spock were looking at each other with an air of apprehension. While Khan looked as confused as he was.
"Is there... Something you've not been telling me?" he asked stiffly, eyebrows furrowed.
Bones hesitated and glanced at his face, then to his notes, and then back to his face, "There... May be slightly more to it than I originally let on."
"You've been lying to me?" Jim breathed, "Again?"
"We deemed it to be for your own good, Captain." Spock said in what he assumed was meant to be a comforting tone.
"And you knew about this?!" he felt his temper flare, clenching his jaw, "Just tell me, I think its about time I was kept in the loop!"
The weight in the room grew worse and he saw Khan stand up from the corner of his eye, approaching the side of the bed as if to try and keep him calm. He glowered at his two 'friends' and waited for one of them to say something, anything!
"As I correctly hypothesised, Khan's blood was dormant inside you after it brought you back from the dead, but it wasn't entirely asleep so to say. Your headaches were a symptom of what was coming, but you wouldn't come to your medicals so there was no way for me to be sure..." Bones began.
"Do not try and blame this on me." Jim growled.
"I'm not. Jim... I'm not." the man said softly, his expression changing into one of worry, "The truth is, Khan's DNA would always have begun to do this to you, it was just sped up by the radiation exposure from that sun. As he has no doubt told you himself, his DNA is trying to fix you on a larger scale than what we ever anticipated. It sees everything about you as a weakness to be corrected, to perfect.
"As such, it has been hardening your bones, increasing your metabolism, heightening your senses, and in some ways affecting your personality. You've been more aggressive, easier to anger, harder to calm down. It is all a side effect of the genetic mutation." Bones took a breath, checking some records on his PADD.
"I knew most of this. What's the big deal?" he asked, not wanting to admit that he too had noticed his moods swinging more wildly as of late.
"The big deal..." Bones let out a small groan, clearly he didn't want to say it, "Every time you've gone through an episode of pain, of change, your body has been put under enormous stress. More than it can cope with. The night you found Khan in the room next door your heart nearly failed."
Jim stared for a long moment, his head tipping to the side slightly, "My... My heart?"
"Yes..." his friend looked down, "That night, I had to make a call. I had to inform the Admiralty Board of what was happening, in depth, and I had to ask them to get a cryotube prepared because there was a chance that... That you could die, Jim."
"You must be mistaken." Khan hissed suddenly, "The genetic modifications would just bring him back again, its what they are designed for... Surely?"
"I'm afraid not." there was a shake in his voice, "If the damage to his heart becomes to catastrophic even your DNA won't save him."
Jim and Khan shared a long look, neither really sure what the other was thinking, yet at the same time sure they were on a similar train of thought. Thinking about the hours they had spent together, getting to understand one and other, enjoying the company, the understanding, the almost kiss which never happened.
"What are the odds?" Kirk asked, his voice croaking slightly, "What are the odds of this killing me?"
"I wouldn't want to speculate-"
"Speculate!" Jim yelled suddenly, taking a few deeps breaths straight after and muttering something of an apology, "Please... I need to know... What are the odds?"
Spock rested a hand on the doctor's shoulder, "By my calculations... There is an even fifty-fifty chance of life and death."
"I see." he whispered.
James T Kirk was rarely a man stunned into silence, but on this occasion he felt it was well deserved. He glanced towards the window as a hurricane of thoughts rushed through him, so many emotions and so little space to fit them all.
"Is there a way to reverse it?" Khan asked, his voice was even, controlled, but Jim was sure he heard the smallest tinge of a crackle.
"Not without killing him for sure." Bones breathed in response, "I've looked at every possibility. Every option. But at the moment it doesn't look likely. Jim I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If I had known this would be the outcome-"
"Don't." he said firmly, tearing his eyes from the city below to look at the crumbled face of his human best friend, "Don't you dare apologise to me."
"Jim I-"
"No." he said bluntly, "Do not apologise. What you did saved my life. It gave me extra time. It gave me precious extra months. And even if I die tomorrow from this... This modification... I will not hate you for it. I will not regret it. And I won't be scared. If it is my time to go then I'll face it head on, just like last time."
Spock's eyes slowly moved to his Captain's face, the moments before his death in the irradiated chamber rang so clearly through his mind that the pain made his throat tighten, he could remember every word, every detail, every second of fear in Jim's voice as they had spoken, as he had died. He knew Jim was lying now, lying to make the doctor feel better, and for once he understood it. And it made him proud to call him his friend.
"Thank you, Jim." Bones said weakly, his head still hanging slightly, but there was a weight leaving his shoulders which had been haunting him for months.
Jim forced a smile out, "Well, its isn't every day you get told you will either ascend to be awesome or die. Stop looking so miserable will you, you'll ruin my day," he clapped his hands together, "Are you going to make me stay here for the rest of the night, or can I go home?"
"I would normally recommend keeping you in, but knowing you will ignore it... I'll discharge you." the doctor sighed, getting to his feet slowly, "Just... Make sure someone is there to take care of you."
"Don't worry, I have someone." he replied, knowing he didn't even have to ask.
It took some time, but finally, Spock allowed them time alone. Jim was de-tangling himself from the cables he had been hooked up to, and Khan was standing by the window as he waited. There were no words, no glances. Just silence and time.
Pulling on his off-duty uniform, Jim sighed heavily, finally allowing his facade to fade away. His smile disappeared and was replaced with a grimace as he tied his laces, and stared into nothingness. He winced as his head gave a short sharp burn and for a moment the sight of the street lit road flashed in his mind, he shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut, opening them a moment later as his vision cleared.
"I'm ready to go." he announced softly, not wanting to make Khan jump as he moved around the bed.
The dark haired man turned on his heel, glancing him over before he nodded, "Alright, let's head off then."
He watched as the man strode past, taking a moment before he hurried after him, "Khan, are you alright?" he asked.
"I'm fine." the man muttered, calling the elevator.
"That doesn't sound convincing." Jim pressed, trying to peer into his face, but failing as Khan kept shifting, "Why won't you look at me?"
"It's nothing." the man hissed, stepping into the lift as it arrived.
Jim moved after him, standing at his side as they started descending towards the ground floor. He felt a slight coldness from Khan and it made him uncomfortable, it was almost like he was dealing with pre-Warp core Khan. He really didn't like it.
Hitting the emergency stop, the elevator jangled and slowed, alienating them from the rest of the hospital, Kirk moved in front of the dark haired man and forced eye contact, "What is wrong? Don't palm me off. I can see you're not right." he put his foot down.
Khan's face was almost murderous, he stared into Jim's eyes and Jim stared back. A growl escaped the dark haired man before he turned and punched the wall, leaving a dent, "Just leave it!"
"No! Talk to me!" he demanded.
The super soldier did a one eighty and grabbed the blond, pinning him against the elevator wall by the scruff of his jumper, their noses touching, it was at that moment Jim saw tears swimming in Khan's eyes, "I don't know how to react. My whole life has been about my family, everything for them, everything for our survival, everything was about us functioning as one cell! And you came into that and blew it apart, you blew me apart, you forced your way into my life and made a home there! And now, just as easily, you might leave it. I don't know how to react."
Jim was taken aback, but he resisted every urge to push Khan away from him, and instead reached out and touched his cheek, "It's okay not to know. It's human not to know."
"It is not okay." Khan grunted in frustration, "You were the only thing that stopped me finishing the job and destroying Starfleet. I don't know what would stop me trying again if you were gone."
"What are you talking about?" he asked, continuing to stroke his skin.
"On top of the garbage disposal... After the Vengeance crashed. Spock and I were fighting, he wanted to kill me because you'd died. And for my part I half wanted death but I also wanted to finish what I had started," he looked down slowly, "We were trading punches, he got the upper hand, but I was about to end him and he didn't even know it... Then Uhura appeared and she said... She said I was their only chance of saving you..."
Jim remembered Spock telling him briefly about the fight, but not about how it had ended, "What did you do?" he whispered.
Khan's gaze shot back to his and a single tear rolled down his face, "I surrendered."
"What? W-Why?" the blond asked, for a moment not even sure his voice had been loud enough for the other to hear.
"Because it was for you, James." he released him slowly from his grasp and took a few measured steps back, one eyebrow slightly raised, his expression as if he was reliving the moment, "Because I had never met a human or alien like you. Someone I could perhaps consider my equal. And I didn't want you to die because of me. I'd been willing to use you and destroy you until the moment I heard you were actually gone, and then the world shifted. Everything changed and I just had to do something."
"So you gave yourself in? Knowing you'd be put back into cryogenic sleep? Knowing you'd never see the light of day again?" Jim rubbed his chest slightly, leaning against the elevator wall as he observed the man, "Khan you barely knew me."
"I didn't have to." his voice sounded defeated, "From the first moment we met... Your courage, your intelligence, your willingness to do whatever it too was so clear, so obvious... So very like me. I felt as though I was looking in a mirror. It was a long running joke among my crew that I was disinterested in the company of others. Towards the end of our reign they all began to couple off, creating their own little sub families. Lovers, marriages, children. But not me. Never me."
"Why am I any different?" he asked softly.
"I don't know." Khan met his gaze finally, a weak and unhappy smile on his face, "I wish I did. But there is just something about you, something captivating and magnetic. You gained my respect with your bravery, and I knew when push came to shove, I wouldn't be able to kill you as I had planned. I've never been so pleasantly happy to be proved wrong. And I was wrong, when I believed there was no one among the stars to challenge me."
Kirk let out a long breath, his heart aching slightly before he moved forwards, reaching out and sliding his arms around the other man, he pulled him in close, "Listen to me... I am a selfish, compulsive, obscene and egotistical asshole. I don't let people close to me. I can't afford to. But somehow, you slipped in through the gaps and... I care. What is happening to me now is frightening and out of my control, out of anyone's control. But I will be damned if I let it beat me just like that. I don't believe in no win scenarios, Khan. I never have. I never will. Spock said I have an even chance of making it through this, and not making it. But I call bullshit. Because this is me. And I don't believe in no win scenarios."
The pair shared a long moment of silence, foreheads pressed together, Khan reached around and pressed the release button and the elevator began moving again. They parted only when the doors opened and walked out side by side.
By the time they made it back to Jim's apartment, the darkened mood of the hospital was a distant memory. Seemingly content to rely on Jim's blind optimism for the time being, Khan seemed much more relaxed and like himself again. There was no doubt in either of their minds that their discussion from the elevator would rise again at some point, but for now it was laid to rest.
"Tea?" Jim asked as he headed for the kitchen, kicking off his boots as he went.
"Sure." Khan replied, taking a seat in the living room which had been his home for the last few weeks, it always surprised him how little Jim had around the place. No photographs, no decorations, barely any books on the shelves. He'd not mentioned it before hand, sensing Jim's discomfort about the topic, but now his curiosity was brimming.
The blond flopped beside him on the sofa, handing him a mug and letting out a long breath, "I am glad to be back, I really do hate that hospital." he shuddered.
"I can imagine." Khan mused, glancing around once more before he looked at the other man, "I didn't want to ask before but... Why is this place so empty? I imagined you being someone with a lot of stuff."
He took a deep sip of his drink and sighed deeply, "This isn't home," he shrugged, "My mum's house back in Iowa is home. And the Enterprise is home. All my possessions are there. This place is just somewhere I come and sleep when I'm off duty."
"That makes sense." he agreed, "I had wondered if your reason would be something along those lines. Ironically, I don't really collect many things, aboard my ship we functioned on necessity alone. It was quicker, more efficient that way. Although when people started getting married we had to expand a little but even then... Just the basics. Seeing all the luxury of Starfleet when I was woken was very alien. I'm still not entirely used to it."
"Really? I always imagined you sleeping on a bed swamped with silk cushions." Kirk snorted, "All bathed in riches like a king."
Khan's nose crinkled at the suggestion, "Not at all. Spock has his logic, I have my practicality. Whatever I needed to function was what I had."
"Now that I know you better I can understand the wisdom in that to be honest." Jim paused, considering his words, "You know... I meant what I said to Bones. I don't regret any of it. Even on borrowed time, if that is what I am working with, I've seen more and learnt more than I could have hoped to. I could never regret that."
The former convict faltered at the change of topic and looked at his drink, taking a deep sip and regretting it, Jim's tea still tasted like sewer water even after three weeks of consuming it, "I guess the real irony here is that I too am on borrowed time. Starfleet could decide to send me back to my tube at any moment they choose and I'd be powerless to stop them. But you're right, I too wouldn't have changed my time here for anything."
"I won't let them do that to you." the blond said softly, frowning faintly, "I have some sway with the Admiralty... Its not much but it is enough that they couldn't outright rule to put you back in cryosleep. There would have to be a trial before that happened."
"You really are a hell raiser aren't you?" he mused, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
"You have no idea. My mother remarried not long after my birth, she needed the support I guess. My step-dad and I didn't really see eye to eye, about anything. And one year, I must have been about nine or ten, I stole his antique car. Ended up driving it off a cliff while the cops were chasing me." he grinned at the memory, "He had to bail me out of jail, and his face was priceless. It was worth the belting he gave me when we got home."
"He hit you?" Khan frowned.
"Yeah... It was just his way of disciplining me. Mum never knew." he shrugged it off, "It just made me rebel even more, I caused so much trouble for them both."
"What's she like? Your mother?"
"My mother?" Jim repeated before he crossed his legs and considered the question, "She's braver than I am, more headstrong too. She's the smartest person I've ever met, present company excluded of course, and she's... Well she's beautiful. Inside and out. I regret so much of the shit I caused around her, but she took it all, she tried to teach me to be a better person. She never stopped trying."
"Love does that." Khan said thoughtfully.
"What about you? Your parents?" the blond asked, finishing his drink.
"I can't remember them, not their personality or their appearance." he answered honestly, "It has been so long... So many years have passed... All I know for sure is that they offered me up for the genetic modification that made me what I am. I don't know for sure if they were doing what they thought was best, or what they had to do. My crew were all volunteered by their parents. Maybe for money, maybe for glory. I really can't say."
"That... Sounds really hard." Jim murmured, leaning forward and moving a little closer to him on the sofa, "I had no idea. Did you ever see them again after they gave you away?"
A moment of silence fell, and Khan looked at him slowly, his expression one of reluctant amusement, "I did. Just the once. I killed them."
Wide eyed, Jim tilted his head, "You killed them?" he repeated in disbelief.
"You're surprised. That's... Odd." he took a deep breath, "It was a year after we were released to go and do our duty. To put right the wrongs of a broken galaxy. To destroy anything weaker than us. The irony is that our entire planet was weaker than us. Protocol dictated. So we slaughtered them."
Swallowing, the other man reached out, resting a hand on his leg, "You were doing what you were programmed to... It... It wasn't your fault."
"Wasn't it?" Khan scoffed, standing slowly and turning his back to him, "You saw what I did to Marcus. I did it to them too. The last memory I have of them was the look of sheer terror on their faces as I crushed their skulls under my fingers. The two people who brought me into this world and I terrified them as I murdered them. I am a monster."
Jim looked down as he listened, he was so matter of fact about it all, and yet he could feel the ache of the other's heart as if it was his own, "I don't believe that." he whispered.
"You should." He glanced at him, "I have always felt pride in the mission we were given. Seeking out new life and extinguishing what was too weak to be of use. It was an honour to do it. I took pleasure in ending the lives of anyone I saw to be lesser than I was. I murdered, destroyed, stole, beat and maimed... All in the name of a mission which in itself was utterly barbaric. How can I be anything other an a monster, James?"
"Monsters don't care about people, you do. You care about your crew, you care about me... A monster wouldn't do that. A monster would treat everyone as disposable." the blond said softly, "People can change, Khan, you are living proof of that. You can't keep saddling yourself with the guilt of what you did almost a lifetime ago."
A snort escaped the former convict, "A lifetime ago? It wasn't that long ago I was tearing this city apart."
"You had good reason."
"Did I? Does any amount of pain ever allow for such brutality? For such carnage?" he shook his head and let out a long breath, "James you see me for who I am. I wouldn't blame you if you turned and ran as fast as you could."
"Don't you even dare." Jim stood up so fast the sofa nearly toppled over, "You really think you can say the things you did in the elevator, and then offer me a get out of jail free card?! Are you mad?!"
"Possibly." he shrugged.
"If what you say is true and your parents gave you away to be experimented on, they never deserved to have children to begin with. You were conditioned to be the perfect soldier, from a young age, and you never had a choice to do anything different with your life. It is no wonder you enjoyed it, it is no wonder you lived that way for so long. It was what you were raised to do!" he said sharply, walking over and forcing him to look at him.
Khan stared down at him, a troubled expression on his face, "Even if I could believe that-"
"Do you really think you are the only one of us to have ever taken a life we shouldn't?" Jim asked suddenly, the words tumbling from his lips before he could contain them.
"Well I... What?" the dark haired man blinked.
The blond heaved a breath, "Yeah. It's a shocker. Always a good ice breaker too."
"You... Are you serious?" Khan asked in confusion.
"Yeah, I'm serious." he stepped back slightly and shoved his hands in his pockets, "I killed a Starfleet cadet. It was a bar brawl gone wrong. I brought sarcasm to a knife fight."
"That sounds like self defence more than cold blooded murder."
"Khan, he was sixteen." he stated coolly, "I was the adult in that situation. Not that you'd ever have realised it. We got into a fight because I accidentally hit on his slightly older boyfriend. I made some witty comment about his boyfriend needing a real man to entertain him, something dumb like that anyway. The kid suggested we settle things outside, and me being me... I agreed.
"Back of the building, among the trash cans, he pulled a knife and all I could do was mock him that he would never be brave enough to use it. Told him to run back home to his mother and cry about it. He slashed at me when I tried to go back inside, the kid didn't even know how to use the fucking thing, he only just scratched the surface.
"But I knew how to use one. So I got it off him. I could have walked away, Khan. I could have been the fucking adult and walked away. But I didn't, I kept mocking him and pushing him until he ran at me, we scrapped and it ended with him having a knife in his chest. He was dead before he hit the floor." his eyes darted around the living room as he recalled the tale, finally sitting down as he finished and rubbing his face, "The only reason I got away with it... Is because one of the barmen on duty was someone I slept with a few times and they gave me an alibi to say the kid attacked me. So you see, Khan, you aren't alone."
Khan stood and watched him, his expression somewhere between disbelief and concern, he glanced away for what felt like eternity and considered his own feelings towards himself, and considered how James would have felt every day since that fight. He was once again taken aback by how alike they could be at times, and slowly trudged over, sitting beside him heavily and carefully putting an arm around his shoulders.
"You were young too, even if you should have known better, you were still young." he murmured, "And you're right, my life was based on what I'd been raised to do. Sometimes its hard to distinguish what you know against what you feel."
Jim smiled weakly and glanced at him, "What a pair we make, with so many skeletons in the closet."
"Maybe one day I can help you clean yours out. And you can help me clean mine." Khan gently rested their heads together and let out a small breath, "I don't know what's wrong with me. Recently I've been feeling so much more... Emotional than I ever have. It keeps making me have these out bursts of... Feeling like I should explain myself. I've never explained myself to anyone."
"Heh, sounds like me." he snorted, "I'm always trying to find some reason or another to tell people why I did something, to make myself feel better about having done it."
"So this is your influence is it? Maybe I have been spending too much time with you." he allowed a small smile to tug at his lips.
"I will gladly take the blame." Jim held his hands up before he gazed at him, a small nervous fluttering in his stomach, "I was thinking... If you are going to be staying with me for a bit longer than we originally thought it seems stupid for you to keep sleeping on the couch, it can't be comfortable."
Raising an eyebrow, Khan shrugged gently, "I wouldn't complain about your hospitality. But I have woken with some aching muscles. What did you have in mind?"
Jim hesitated and considered his words carefully, "Well... I have a double bed. I'm sure we could be mature enough to... Keep our hands to ourselves."