06 August 2019

Prompt: Kids (Word)

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Character/Pairing: Alya Césaire, Nino Lahiffe, Ladybug, Chat Noir, Viperion

Rating: K Plus / PG / All Ages

Notes: S3. This is just pure crack, y'all. I wanna play with it more later. Also I see Plagg's camembert and raise you Sass's hard boiled eggs. Marinette likes Stinky Bois. (…also, do not google 'what does the Seine smell like'. The answer is pee. All of Paris smells like pee, apparently.)

Alya felt the painful pulse of an oncoming migraine behind her eyes. Her eyebrow fluttered as her phone buzzed again. It was taking all of her willpower not to check it. And, had it been any other day, she would have been all over that phone – but she had a science project due Monday, and if she didn't do well on it…well, she didn't want to think about that. The words confiscated phone and restricted wifi floated through her mind as she tapped her pen against her desk. Nope, she was not landing herself in that boat.

Another buzz, and she groaned as she picked the phone up and blindly chucked it towards her bed. Thank God for LifeCases.

She froze as a crash sounded behind her. A crash followed by screaming. And it was all much too noisy to be caused by a single, thrown phone.

She whirled around in her desk chair, and there was Carapace standing in her bedroom. Chat Noir and Viperion were tucked under his arms, one on each hip, both somehow…miniature…and scrabbling at the other, both…hissing? Oh my God, they were hissing at each other! And on Carapace's back, bawling and tugging on his hood in a way that had to be choking him, was Ladybug. Among the screaming, a desperate, high-pitched beeping (a familiar beeping from multiple Miraculous gems) could be heard.

"Babe," Carapace choked out as Ladybug tugged on his hood again, "help!"

Alya watched, helpless, as a blinding flash overtook the group.

And there was a moment. A calm, blissful moment as every superhero standing in her bedroom realized they had just been unmasked, where quiet reigned supreme and panic slowly settled in. Because, in that moment, Adrien Agreste looked up as Marinette Dupain-Cheng looked down, and then no one heard anything as tiny lungs began producing screams they should only be able to dream of.

Alya wondered, briefly, if she had overtaxed her poor, young mind and was simply having a too-much-schoolwork-induced fever dream. Because surely that had to be the only explanation, because there was no friggin' way her best friend was actually Ladybug, no way at all…

And then her miniature-sized friends were screaming at each other, her regular-sized boyfriend was screaming at them to chill out already and at her to help already dammit, and a miniature-sized Luka Couffaine was trying to shield three miniature-sized kwamis from the chaos, and Alya…started laughing. Cackling, actually. There was definitely a manic edge to the definite cackle bubbling up her throat.

"Babe, come on!" Nino whined. Marinette's face was turning red with her screams, and it occurred to Alya that her tiny friend was quiet possibly about to pass out. "You're better with kids than me!"

"S-sorry," Alya wheezed. She walked over and scooped up Marinette, who clung to her neck desperately.

"Adrien is Chat Noir! Adrien is Chat Noir! Alya, Alya, my life is over!" Marinette cried. Adrien flailed against Nino's hip.

"Mari hates me! Mari hates me!" Adrien was crying, and Nino groaned as he let Luka climb off him to better grasp his tiny bro. "Ninooooooo! Mari hates me!"

"Naw, lil' dude, she's nuts about you! Marinette loves you!" Nino laughed nervously, but while that seemed to quiet Adrien it only made Marinette scream louder. Alya looked down at a tugging on her shirt. Luka held up the kwamis.

"They're hungry," he said softly. He looked uncertain for a moment, then added, "…does Marinette love me, too? I love her."

Oh yeah. This had to be a fever dream.

Especially because, as Marinette kept screaming, the little black kwami started shouting for cheese. Alya sighed and patted Marinette's back.

"Ok, ok, easy, girl," she said soothingly. Marinette pressed her face against her neck and cried harder, her skin burning from the tears and screams. Alya kept patting her back and looked at Nino. "You are so lucky no one else is home right now. I'm gonna grab snacks so these guys can recharge. You…deal."

"Babe, I don't know how to deal – that's what I keep trying to tell you!" Nino cried after her as she carried Marinette towards the kitchen. Luka followed quietly behind, the kwamis still in his tiny hands as Wayzz floated by his shoulder. Nino's following cry was strangled. "I'm going to be a horrible parent!"

Alya placed Marinette on the counter and grabbed a tissue to wipe at her tears, which had thankfully subsided into tiny, whimpering hiccoughs. Her face was still scrunched and splotchy as she rubbed at her eyes.

"There, there," Alya said gently. She gave Marinette her best smile. "It's ok. You're ok. Now, tell Auntie Alya what happened."

"A-akuma," Marinette hiccoughed. "Sh-she made us babies!"

"Alya, they're really hungry," Luka said, tugging on her shirt again. "Do you have any eggs?"

"…what," Alya didn't so much ask as said, flatly, as she looked down at him. The red kwami had snuggled up against Marinette while the black one continued to harp about cheese, and Wayzz had sat patiently beside Marinette to wait for food. Luka held up his own kwami, a tiny little snake.

"He likes eggs," Luka said. He climbed up the stool beside the counter and sat down next to Marinette. The little snake nestled in his hood as he wrapped his arms around her. "It's ok, Marinette."

"It's not!" Marinette sniffled. "No one's supposed to know I'm Ladybug!"

"But I knew," he said. "Your songs are the same."

Alya wondered in what world that was supposed to make sense, but it seemed to mollify Marinette. She rubbed at her eyes again.

"B-but you're not supposed to," she said. "And I'm not supposed to know who Chat is. And Adrien isn't supposed to be Chat!"

Luka looked sad at that, but he didn't say anything.

"CHEESE!"

They all jumped as the tiny black cat flew up between them and continued screaming.

"You all needed to know anyway and Fu's dumb for keeping secrets so give me cheese RIGHT! NOW!" he continued. The red kwami zipped over to him and began hitting him.

"Plagg, you're such a stinky sock! Marinette is upset! Be nice!" the tiny(-er) god scolded, but the cat – Plagg – only scoffed.

"She's always upset, and I'm hungry!" he whined. He flew up to Alya and began poking her nose. "Give! Me! Cheese! Now!"

"Ok, ok – hold on! Oh my God, just chill!" Alya huffed. She glanced at the kwamis. "So cheese and eggs – gross, by the way – and –"

"Camembert!" Plagg shouted. "Ca-mem-bert! Ca-mem-bert! Not just cheese!"

Alya was sorely tempted to flick him.

"So…camembert, right, I think we have that…and eggs," she said, nodding towards the snake.

"Boiled, please?" it asked, its tongue flicking out. Luka reached up and scratched its head, grinning. Alya nodded.

"Ok, boiled eggs and camembert," she said. She sighed and poked Marinette's stomach. "Girl, we gotta talk about your taste in guys and how they smell."

"Adrien smells like stinky socks!" Marinette and her kwami cheered.

"Plagg smells like stinky socks! I just smell like Plagg!" Adrien shouted as he ran into the room with Nino. Marinette stuck her tongue out at him and grinned at Luka.

"Luka smells like the Seine!" she giggled. Luka grinned back at her, his own cheeks tinting pink. Alya tried not to roll her eyes, because really, which was better: stinky cheese or pollution? She sighed and poked at the red kwami.

"I know Wayzz likes crackers, but what about you?" she asked. Big purple eyes beamed up at her.

"Cookies!" she chirped, and Alya had to laugh. Of course.

"You are handling this so well," Nino sighed as he walked up. He dug a cracker out of his pocket and handed it to Wayzz, who happily started munching.

"NO FAIR I WANT CHEESE NOW TOO!" Plagg screamed, and Adrien jumped up to snatch him from the air. He wordlessly handed him a hunk of slightly-squished cheese he produced from a pocket, and even though the wedge was twice his size Plagg still scarfed it down in one bite. He glared at Adrien. "More!"

"…wow," Alya said, blinking at the display. She was kind of horrified when Adrien produced another piece of cheese. That one disappeared just as quick. She looked back to Nino. "No, I'm really not. My best friend is Ladybug. Your best friend is Chat Noir. Luka's our new teammate. And they're all five years old and sitting on my counter."

Because, of course, Adrien had scrambled up the stool to claim Marinette's other side. Luka and Adrien were hissing at each other again. Alya was reminded of Ella and Etta and how they'd fight over a favorite toy, only Alya didn't think they could just duplicate Marinette (like her parents had bought a second toy) to stop the fight. She turned an easy-going grin Nino's way, but he could see the hint of Crazy about her eyes.

"I am totally freaking out, but if I let them know that they're going to start freaking out again," Alya said calmly, though her eye was slightly twitching. "So you're gonna tell me what happened, and we're gonna fix this, and then I'm going to really freak out."

"Thank you," Marinette's kwami said as Alya handed her a plate of cookies. She gave Luka's kwami a small bowl with two peeled eggs in it, and he hissed his thanks before swallowing one whole. Alya snapped her fingers and looked at Marinette.

"No chance you have my Miraculous on you, do you?" she asked, and Marinette shook her head.

"I get them from the Guardian," she said. "I don't keep them. Except Tikki. I keep Tikki."

"I keep Plagg," Adrien said. He glared at Luka. "Because I'm Ladybug's partner."

"Stop being stupid," Marinette pouted, lightly bopping his head. Alya's eyebrows soared, and she shared a look with Nino. What. The. F-

"I'm not stupid – he's stupid!" Adrien pouted.

"Nuh-uh! You're stupid, you stupid-head!" Marinette cried before Luka could defend himself. For his part, Luka just broke up the second egg and started handing bits to his kwami, seeming content to let Marinette fight the battle.

"You are!" Adrien shot back.

"You are!" Marinette said.

"You are!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"Yo-!"

"OH MY GOD SHUT UP!" Alya snapped, clapping her hands on her ears. "You're both stupid right now!"

They both looked down, shame-faced, and Alya sighed as she handed the three kids a plate of cookies to share. She turned back to Nino.

"Ok, so Rena Rouge is out," she sighed. "How bad is it?"

"Like…she's calling herself Young at Heart. From what we gathered she runs a daycare, and something happened with the kids? And then she started turning everyone into kids, only like…really bratty kids," he said. He pointed at Adrien and Luka. "Those two wouldn't stop fighting, and Ladybug got hit because she was distracted trying to separate 'em, and I…panicked. Your place was closest, so I just grabbed 'em and ran."

"Marinette, do you remember what you're supposed to do with an akuma?" Alya asked, and Marinette frowned as she looked up from her cookie.

"Of course," she said. "I make it better and use my Miraculous Ladybug to make the city better."

"Alya, I can't take them back out there – they're kids!" Nino cried. Alya sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"What other choice do we have, Nino? Ladybug's the only one who can purify akuma," she said. "You'll have to defeat Young at Heart, and then Little LB can do her thing."

"Perhaps he doesn't have to do it alone, though," Wayzz said, looking up from his third cracker. At their looks, he nodded towards Marinette. "She is not the only one who knows where the Guardian is. I am his kwami when not in use. I can take you."

"Woah, lil' dude, really?" Nino asked, and Wayzz nodded.

"Rena's help is needed. Master Fu can watch them as you fight, and if you bring the akuma back to him Marinette never has to see the battlefield," he said. Marinette puffed out her cheeks.

"I can fight – I'm Ladybug!" she huffed.

"It's not safe, though," Nino sighed. She tossed a half-eaten cookie at his face.

"I can fight!" she said again. Nino looked at Alya, who grinned at him.

"She can fight," she agreed, laughing. She reached out and picked Marinette up, settling her on her hip. "And I'm proud of you for being brave enough to want to, but this is really dangerous, Mari. Let Carapace and Rena Rouge handle it? We'll tag you in at the end."

"Fine," Marinette huffed, looking down in disappointment. She started picking at one of Alya's buttons, and Alya looked back to Nino and Wayzz.

"All right, little dude," she said to Wayzz. "Lead the way."