6.
"I'm hungry," Quinn whimpered with misery.
"You're always hungry. You sure it's not just Perfection valley that has worms?" Santana snapped at her.
Rachel emitted a grossed out whine and Mercedes made a gagging sound.
"I'm not hungry at all now," Kurt huffed.
"That's disgusting and uncalled for. I've done nothing but help save your girlfriend's life today," Quinn grumbled. They were all huddled up against the roof edge trying to hide in the sliver of shade it afforded them.
Lord Tubbington looked up at Brittany and meowed pitifully. She reached out and scratched his neck.
"Okay, buddy. You're right."
Disentangling herself from Santana, Brittany stood up and stretched, her neck cracking as she rolled it. She peered out over the desert in the direction of Sue Sylvester's compound but there was no sign of movement. The ground visibly baked in the heat, the rising haze making everything wobbly.
"Lord Tubbington is right. We need water, food and shelter from the burning ball of nuclear fusion radiating our brains and ripening our B.O."
"Oh sure, listen to the cat," Quinn muttered and tried to shift her head further into the wall to get more shade.
Everyone watched as Brittany walked to the edge of the hole leading into the depths of the store.
"It's pickling time," she said grimly, staring into the dark beneath.
Everyone but Santana exchanged puzzled looks.
"What does that mean?" Mercedes asked with a confused frown.
"You're not going back in there!" Santana grabbed Brittany's arm and pulled her back from the edge.
"Have you got any magnets?" asked Brittany, clasping Santana's hands in earnest.
"No," Santana said slowly. "That's not something I keep in stock. There's not much call for magnets in the desert."
"You're right. We could easily make our own if we could spend enough time on the ground. I guess we'll have to do it the old fashioned way and go in there and pick up the supplies ourselves. We'll kind of die without water."
"They know we're here," Santana finally thought to hush her voice and peered down into the store as though expecting a couple of space worms to be sitting there ear wigging their conversation.
"That they do."
The remaining dusty survivors shuffled to the breach and looked down.
"Oooh hotdogs," said Quinn, spying an errant tin.
"Can you get me ice cream?" Kurt asked Brittany.
"And a beer?" Quinn asked hopefully.
Santana spluttered with indignation.
"Shut up! All of you. Brittany's not going in there. It's my store, if anyone's going in there it's me. I've got the shotgun, and I'll shoot any one of you that loots it."
"Okay, Annie Oakley. You cover the crater with your precious baby. Britt goes for the water and I'll grab some food. How does that sound?" Quinn offered, trying to placate her highly stressed friend.
"Could you make sure there's a vegan option?" Rachel interjected.
Santana growled. Mercedes tugged Rachel away while Brittany stepped up to Santana and began to massage her shoulders and talked in a low calm voice.
"We'll be as quiet as a deadly fart. Anything pops out of that tunnel you hit it like whack-a-mole, whack-a-rat, whatever it's called. Imagine its got Rachel's face; you won't be able to miss. We've got this, we are going in together. Monster hunters!"
"And Quinn?"
"Quinn too."
"Hopefully they'll eat her first."
"Hopefully, no one will be getting eaten but if someone does, I'll make sure it's Quinn," Brittany assured her.
"I'm standing right here," Quinn scowled at them.
"Don't worry, they'll spit you out once they find out you've got worms," said Santana.
"I do not have worms!"
"Uh guys? We're supposed to be quiet," Kurt pointed out again.
"Shhh!" Brittany shushed him and headed for the new entrance to the store. "Quinn, Santana. No talking in the store unless something bursts out from under the ground and attempts to eat one or more of us. However, if you find a human head, then a short sharp scream is acceptable. Or if you find some sour patch kids.
Kurt, Rachel, Mercedes. You're all on lookout. Anything so much as blinks and I want to know about it."
"Do grubs even have eyes?" Mercedes pondered.
"Yeah, how are they going to blink without any eyes?" Kurt demanded.
Brittany turned her back on them ignoring their queries.
"It's not the eyes I'm worried about!" Quinn hissed at the piss poor excuses for lookouts. "It's the fucking snake tongue giant mouths that kill you."
"Did you know that pirates wore eye patches so that when they went below deck one of their eyes would be accustomed to the dark and they'd be able to see straight away," Brittany said, directing her words at Quinn who was immediately distracted from her potentially imminent painful death.
Quinn stared at her then eventually managed to splutter. "I don't know if that's true or not but didn't they wear them because they were missing an eye?"
"What makes you think pirates disproportionately lost eyes compared to non piratey people?" Brittany asked, moving to stand next to Santana.
"Oh, I don't know! Maybe it was because they ran about waving pointy swords around, of course there was a lot of losing of eyes." Quinn rounded on Santana. "That's not true, is that true?" she demanded.
Santana rolled her eyes and raised her gun. "I cannot wait for this to be over," she muttered. "Everyone's gone crazy." She cocked her gun and headed into the store, Brittany hot on her heels. "Don't drag me into this, I got enough problems."
"I am a doctor!" Quinn crouched down and slid on her heels and hands after Brittany into the store. "I know more about losing an eye than you do! You can't make shit like this up, Britt. Shit, its dark in here."
Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel watched as half their group descended into the depths of the store all gripping tightly onto each other while Santana toted her shotgun. Lord Tubbington silently followed behind them. They disappeared into the darkness, their sun bleached eyes unable to see any distinction beyond the shadow.
"I still don't know why we'd need magnets," Rachel whispered. No one explained.
#####
A bottle of water flew up out of the hole and smacked Kurt in his right eye. He rolled onto his back with his hand clutching his face and groaned as quietly as he could, rolling on his back like an overturned beetle. The bottle was quickly followed by three more of the silent missiles and then, an orange.
Inside the store Santana stood between Brittany and the crater with a glare that would shrivel the hardiest space worm if it dared stick its snout out of the dirt. She kept her gun trained on the ground while Quinn and Brittany hurriedly rummaged through the fallen shelves for food and water. A tap on her shoulder indicated they had enough supplies for now and Quinn began the climb up first followed by Santana with Brittany right next to her.
"Lord Tubbington!"
Brittany squeaked and scrambled toward the hole in the ground where her cat was casually investigating what could objectively be, under the layer of dust, a human finger. Santana reached for her arm and tugged her back just as the dirt began to cave down into the hole and three snake heads from a grub's tongue whipped out and wrapped around the cat dragging him completely under the sand in seconds. He had completely vanished.
Without hesitation Brittany lunged after him but a split second later Santana pounced on her back, knocking her off balance and they tumbled to the floor rolling on the scattered floorboards. Brittany was up and darted back to the hole in a heartbeat screaming into the pile of dirt left by the creature which had swallowed Lord Tubbington. She scooped the dirt with her bare hands digging frantically down until Quinn and Santana grabbed her arms and pulled her backwards.
"No!"
Her face was the picture of heartbreak and her chest wracked with sobs. Santana held her in a bear grip as Brittany sank to her knees and cried into Santana's arms.
Quinn edged warily to the edge of the pit trying to see if anything was visible. She held a can of beans at shoulder height ready to throw them at the first sign of danger. There was no further sign of life or, indeed, random body parts. Quinn slumped down next to Brittany and rubbed her back.
"There's no sign, B. I'm sorry."
Distraught by Brittany's cries Santana fired her shotgun into the crater and screamed into the void. "I hope he gives you the shits!"
Much to their alarm the ground began to rumble and the three women scrambled backwards up the debris pile. A mushroom cloud of dust was emitted from the crater then a loud noise, like a belch. All the humans stared at the activity emanating from the darkness and then a small wet furry projectile shot out of the hole like a cannonball and landed with a squelch on the ground next to Brittany.
Everyone stared in shock as Lord Tubbington uncurled himself and meowed pitifully at Brittany. She scooped him up still covered in goo and hugged him tightly.
"How fucking rude," Santana gasped, then shouted angrily into the hole. "That cat only eats from the gourmet section, I bet he tastes delicious!"
Quinn grabbed her and dragged her away, her other hand pulling at Brittany.
#######
Brittany sat cross legged on the roof with Lord Tubbington firmly ensconced in her arms. She glowered unseeing into the distance while the sound of munching and rustling accompanied her. Looking over at the group all stuffing themselves with liberated junk food she picked up the backpack they had used to collect supplies in and tipped it upright emptying out a lonely aerosol of antiperspirant.
"Look, it's getting a little ripe up here." Quinn answered her querying glance. "I wasn't going to say anything but just leave it lying around so some people could take the hint."
"You best not be talking about me," warned Santana. Quinn shoved an entire snickers bar in her mouth and shrugged.
Mercedes leaned over and sniffed Kurt suspiciously.
"How do you smell so good?" She asked accusingly. "And coconutty."
"I found some car air fresheners. I've got one under each armpit."
Brittany deftly plopped Lord Tubbington inside the empty pack and he wriggled about for a moment then quite happily stuck his head out so he could see over Brittany's shoulder.
"That's it!" she announced. "We're getting out of here. We can't wait for Sue any longer. I'm going to get the 'Dozer'. Those worms can't swallow twelve tonnes of steel. It's still got the bucket attached off of last trash collection day. You can ride in the bucket. I'm going to need you to distract them until I can get to it."
Everyone looked at Santana.
"Where are the keys?" she asked, wary of this plan putting Brittany in danger, again.
"In the machine."
"You left them in there? Someone could have stolen it!"
"It goes 15mph full out. I'd have caught anyone who tried to pinch it by running after them. I need you to start up Finn's truck and send it off in the opposite direction to the Dozer. Rachel, you want to drive?" Brittany smirked.
Rachel emitted an eep.
"We can pin the gas pedal with some wood," Quinn mused. "Unless you want to drive, Rach?"
"Rachel drives like an old woman," Mercedes snorted. "That thing would catch her before she left the towns limits."
"I'll do it," Quinn offered. "Set it off, I mean, not drive it. Santana can cover me good with that spud gun and you three better pull me back up out of there faster than a hot turd."
Santana stood dusting off Brittany's shoulders and trying and failing to hide her worry. "Do you want me to take the cat?"
"No, but thanks anyway. We're going to stick together like glue from now on."
"Be careful." Santana leaned over and kissed Brittany on the cheek. To her delight Brittany blushed then fiddled about adjusting her cap trying not to appear flustered. Santana reached over behind Brittany and zipped Lord Tubbington up tightly so he couldn't fall or wriggle out of the backpack.
"Thanks," Brittany whispered.
"You're welcome," Santana smiled.
"Break it up, lovebirds. We're going fishing," Mercedes called then threw some cable at Santana. "String up the line."
Brittany climbed over to her side of the roof and waited by the drainpipe for her signal to run.
The rest of the gang roped together a dozen empty cans to string from the back of the truck then lowered Quinn and Santana onto the porch roof at the front of the store. Quinn jumped onto the truck while Santana covered her with the gun.
"It's pointing the wrong way." Quinn whisper shouted to Santana.
"What?"
"The truck," Quinn said in a hoarse whisper and emphasised with some strange kind of sign language using her arms, "is pointing the wrong way."
"I am four feet away from you why are you being weird?" Santana asked.
"What's she saying?" Rachel called down to them. Santana gave a vicious hand gesture to shut up.
"Put it in reverse, dipshit," Santana whispered harshly back.
"Oh," Quinn chuckled. "Yeah."
As delicately as possible Quinn tied the cans to the front of the truck then slowly climbed over the truck to get in the driver's window. She tied the steering wheel in position with Kurt's studded leather belt then sat ready to turn the key. She looked up at Santana with the three stooges behind her silhouetted on the roof.
"Ready." Santana mouthed the word at her.
"It's pickling time," Quinn said under her breath and started the truck. The floorboards in the store began to rumble as the grub moved to investigate the noise. Quinn moved the lever from parked to neutral then jammed a board between the pedal and the seat. Her last act before exiting through the window was to kick the lever into reverse. She kicked off from the window frame grasping one hand for the porch and another for Santana's outstretched arms as the truck pulled away. Quinn dangled silently not daring to breathe until a wave of the decking flowed along the store front following the truck which was already almost off the road. Santana dragged her onto the porch overhang and they watched as the truck left the road a hundred yards away. It carried on through the grassy tussocks and uneven dirt bouncing and jolting around.
"Go!" Santana yelled up at the watchers on the roof. Mercedes turned to shout to Brittany for her to run but she was nowhere to be seen. They ran to the opposite side of the roof to see Brittany already a third of the way to the bulldozer, running like the wind.
Once back on the main roof Santana didn't know where to look. In one direction puffs off dust erupted out of the ground on a course following the truck. In the other Brittany jumped obstacles and kicked up a dust trail like she was auditioning for ninja warrior.
Quinn slapped her with a loose backhand in the boob and she turned furiously only to watch in horror as the truck hit a sloping boulder. The nearside ran up the rock until the momentum caused the whole truck to flip over onto its side then onto the roof where it stayed, wheels still spinning in the air.
The dust trail stopped next to the truck then within seconds started up again moving back towards the town.
Fuck.
"Run, Britt. It's coming!" Quinn screamed. "Run!"
The rest of the gang joined in sending the warning to Brittany who was now two thirds of the way to the bulldozer.
"That's fast," Kurt looked horrified and Mercedes winced at the speed of the creature as the dust trail bypassed the store and headed straight for the runner.
Brittany reached the vehicle with seconds to spare. Sweat rolled down her back and she gulped in air as she sat on the seat of the open cab trying to keep quiet but breathe huge chest rolling breaths at the same time.
Snake like tongues poked out of the ground and felt around clunking against the caterpillar tracks. From her shoulders, Lord Tubbington, thoroughly shaken up, hissed his disapproval at the situation.
From the roof, Santana watched as Brittany waved back at her and scrubbed the tear tracks down her dusty face.
"It's fine," she croaked, as she turned down Kurt's offer of his blood splattered sleeve. "Dust in my eyes."
"Well I hope after all that kerfuffle the vehicle actually starts," said Rachel.
Quinn glared at her.
Kurt nudged Rachel in warning. "Of course it'll start."
Smoke belched out of the exhaust and the engine roared to life enraging the grub which burst out of the ground and reared at the bulldozer. Brittany lifted the front loader aiming to smack the grub with it but incensed it further when it couldn't land a bite on the steel bucket. Brittany reversed the machine keeping the bucket as a shield between her and the beast and slowly began the crawl back to town.
It seemed an eternity but eventually the bucket was lifted up to the roof of the Store and Santana elbowed Rachel sharply out of the way to be the first to climb over to get to the cab. She slung her arm around Brittany's shoulders and perched on the arm of the driver's seat.
"Hi," Brittany said with a grin. "Taxi for Ms. Lopez."
Santana sighed with relief. "Hi," she beamed back.
"Are they always like this?" Kurt asked. The four forgotten survivors all leaned on the rim of the bucket watching the reunion in the cab.
"Yes," said Quinn. "Always." And threw an empty water bottle at them. "What now, fearless leader?" she asked Brittany.
"Now we head for the lowest part of the pass and hope these caterpillar tracks will get us over it. While trying not to get poached by a space worm."
####
The dozer trundled along at what appeared to be a leisurely pace. To everyone's extreme disturbance the grub burst out at them periodically trying to snatch a snack on the move. Santana shot at it, Kurt poked it with a pointy stick, Rachel screamed and cowered in the bottom of the bucket and Mercedes stabbed it with a steak knife. But Brittany had been right all along and the twelve tonnes of solid steel was like an armoured vehicle and the grub could do nothing but snap at it.
"Can this thing go any faster?"
"We're going 8mph, Rachel. What more do you want?"
"To go faster. To go fast enough to get a bit of a breeze in my hair."
"If I went any faster you'd fly out of that bucket like a catapult and right into the mandibles of death."
"It's just if that thing jumps out one more time I'm going to pee myself."
"You'd better not!" Mercedes warned her. "This bucket is cramped as it is and smells faintly of garbage, you don't need to make it worse."
"I have to pee too," Quinn admitted. "It was the second can of cherry coke that's done it."
"Don't blame my produce," said Santana. "You should all have gone before we left the store. Now you can just pee on each other."
They all screamed as the grub exploded out of the ground in front of them showering them in dirt. The dozer jolted as Brittany stopped the forward momentum and began evasive manoeuvres.
Santana raised her shotgun and aimed as they tried to drive around the flailing grub.
"Eat shot, Shit head," she snarled and fired at its head.
There was a loud popping noise then a whine and a wet slapping sound. The grub flopped to the ground. Everyone stopped and stared at it confusion. There was a gaping hole through its body where you could have considered its head to be. They looked from the shotgun to Santana and then to the grub in amazement.
"Uhhh…."
"What the hell?"
A crackling static noise emitted in the air for a second and then a harsh authoritative voice resounded.
"Attention, hobos. The motherfucking cavalry is here."
Bearing down on them was a red and white painted tank.