So... there goes the second chapter.
The ride home was awful and felt seven times longer than usual, as the only thing he could think about was the truth he learned from the doctor. When first shock worn off and he got the grip on his body reactions, he had to fight a bigger issue – the avalanche of emotions threatening to swallow him completely, half of them so foreign he couldn't even describe them.
He used to thought about himself as even-tempered person through his whole life, but he was aware he had it in himself to shout and bite when the situation needed. And getting so worked up on his way home probably wasn't the best idea, but the image of Julie relaxing there, when he – after ten hours of work – had to run with probably not his son to prescheduled appointment, made him so annoyed he couldn't stop himself. Okay, it was his idea to grant his wife with free afternoon, but right now he was regretting his selfless decision. And that wasn't the only decision he started to regret.
By the time he opens up the door, he is ready to make Julie sing and frankly – he cannot bring himself to give her more than one chance to explain this whole wicked nightmare, so it will have to be enough. He always tries to be the most caring, gentle, compassionate himself with her, but not this time. He was letting her typical mood swings slide since they had been dating and has been dealing with her blind stubbornness as long as he knows her, which is especially irritating when she has that impulsiveness trait of hers. But this? That's something on such high level of… everything he doesn't know how to process it.
Swinging the hard wood open, he pushes the stroller with sleeping baby inside, leaving the carrier behind the sofa. Brian pulls the covers off the boy to prevent him from overheating and looks around for his wife that doesn't seem to be in the living room. Unceremoniously marching off to the bedroom, he finds her sitting in the rocking chair, swaying and playing in some game on her phone. He takes deep and loud inhale, his jaw tensing. She notices him then and her head rise slightly to greet him.
"Hey, honey. How was the appointment?" she asks, absolutely oblivious to what's going to meet her.
"I'll tell you how was the appointment," he starts, putting great effort to make his demeanor as cool as possible. "But first you'll read me something," his long legs carries him to her and his arm stretches with a wrinkled piece of paper, "out loud."
She watches him wearily, "you look like you've got to know I decided to not vaccinate Austin," she half smirks to indicate she's joking, but he doesn't react in any way and his gaze is solely focused on her. "Since you became a lawyer, you're so stiff, God. Okay, I'll read that."
Her fingers grasp a sheet and she tries to flatten it on her knees few times. Finally she brings it to her eye level and when she's just about to start, he interjects–
"Just the second part," and his voice is so cold, she has to double blink in weak attempt to understand what is going on.
"Austin Altman, age: ten months, marked by: Gertrude Rezinck, M.D, type of blood: AB Rh+," she shrugs and shakes her head slightly. "And?"
"And?" he mocks her, shaking his head as well. "You don't see it or you don't want to see it?"
Her brows furrow and she's clearly getting annoyed.
"See what? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the evidence that Austin's not my son," he thought when these words will leave his mouth he would be shouting them, yet they come out so evenly that he is surprised. "And that you cheated on me."
Julie opens her lips to speak, her irises widen and for a moment she freezes but recovers objectively quickly, he has to give her that.
"What the hell…?! Brian, are you out of your mind?! Of course Austin isyour son!" her tone rises and so does she, pushing herself from her sitting position. Her upright 5'11" of height makes the difference between them smaller and she gathers more reassurance.
"You're gonna wake him," he states matter-of-factly and shoves one of his hands into the pocket. "And you might reconsider giving me that bullshit, because you'll not get a second chance to explain this."
"There's nothing to explain! Your accusations are ridiculous! How did you even came up with that shit?!"
"It doesn't take medical education to comprehend that O and A don't give AB type, Julie. And even if it would, doctor was that nice to confirm that for me! I can't believe you did that. You of all the people!"
"You do that only to retaliate after your affair with that blonde, don't you? Missing her already, huh?!"
Looking back, he will not be able to pinpoint what exactly triggered him: his wife's try to lie to him again, her trying to turn it around into his fault or straight affront into Katrina's direction. Probably all of the above, as his open palm shoots to the nearest surface and thud echoes through the room. It makes Julie jump, her body instinctively retreats from him.
"Julie, I swear – if you won't come clean right now, I'm gonna walk out of that door and this whole goddamn marriage is over," he almost drawls through clenched teeth. The darkness in his eyes matches one in his voice and she seems to be getting the notion. He's not threating her, he simply draws the rules of this conversation. It's take it or leave it and she knows that.
Her attitude softens, he notices her body language change to defensive and tears start to fog her eyes.
"Brian, I…" she says breathlessly, her hand covering her mouth on its own accord. "Please, calm down a bit. Sit."
"No," he cuts her and adds in the same manner," and don't stall it. You waited long enough." Then he tilts his head, new look of bewilderment on his face. "Would you ever tell me if I didn't find out?"
She can't decide if the question is rhetorical or not, so she chooses safer option: ignorance.
"Brian, please… It's not what you think it is…! It didn't mean anything to me!" she hugs herself, her face reddens and contorts into ugly grimace. "I couldn't have known Austin won't be yours!"
"Why? Because you only had sex once?" he sneers, shaking his head. What he haven't seen coming is the expression that speaks lengths about it not being one night stand but real affair. "Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me!" he curses strongly, hand on the closet curling into fist.
"You don't understand…!" she sobs, her body somewhat shaking. "I… I was feeling lonely. You got better job and started to work this insane hours…" she needs to pause, swallowing tears and rheum. "I was coming home after work and you weren't there and life was getting so tedious. Everyday looked the same and you know I hate routine. It wasn't the same to watch tv shows without our sassy comments."
"Are you really trying to tell me you cheated on me because you couldn't watch television with me?!" he thought this situation couldn't get worse, but he was wrong. He was so fucking wrong, there was no scale for being that kind of mistaken. Thinking about the reasons why his wife betrayed everything they build together was difficult task but even in his worst predictions he didn't stumble on something so pathetic.
She laughs bitterly. "I knew you won't understand if I'd tell you. You could spend the next year eating the same food, wearing the same suit, spending the remains of your free time doing exactly the same things and it wouldn't bother you at all. Life isn't supposed to look like that!"
"Enlighten me then! Because you didn't say a word how miserable you felt and you never had problems with that!"
"I didn't want to be the one who'll cut your wings!" new wave of tears appears and she dries them angrily. "You were so excited you'll finally make a career."
"Don't," his eyelids close for a second when he tries to keep the fire in his veins under control, "you were commenting how awfully mundane my chosen major was throughout all those years of studies and after that, yet you've never critiqued how much I earn. I wouldn't make it if I'd go with music and you seem to forget that."
Despite his great efforts to not fall for her trap of guiltiness, the part of him – husband part of him – starts to question whenever it may be his fault as well. Dinners in nice restaurants, music concerts, her spa trips, jewelry and clothes, fashionable apartment – these are things he always wanted to be able to give her, twenty years old him dreaming of treasuring his future wife with the best there is. His family wasn't so wealthy as hers, his parents couldn't even afford to take him to Princeton, so he was aware he has to work hard to achieve his goals. And he did, he does. Is it possible he was so focused on the future he missed the present? Neglected Julie?
"This wasn't about the money, Brian! It was about the time. I wanted to have life with you and your life was with the firm."
"You knew it's gonna look like that for a while, Julie. We talked about it many times. You promised me you'll be okay," nasty feeling starts to mull in his stomach as ire turns into pique and grudge. "You vowed me highs and lows, victories and losses, that no matter what's gonna happen we will talk this through and make it right."
Her fingertips out of reflex touch the band on her hand. "I couldn't find it in myself to bring it up," it's weak excuse, even she knows that. It's not the first time when she avoids tickling the issue either and they know how it ended the first time. But she hopes for that changing atmosphere to settle inside of him, breach the fury and replace it with that soft man she usually sees. Telling him the truth would shed too hideous light on her and she's sure he would leave her right here and there and she cannot afford that. Not with her liking for the life she has and with the real father of her child doesn't even knowing about his existence.
"So you decided the best way to fix that was to have an affair?"
"I screwed up. I fell for allure of a person who wanted to use me. You know something about it, don't you?" she raises her eyebrow.
Yes, he does. Or maybe he doesn't. He doesn't know what is what anymore.
"He was seducing me and I caved. He was telling me sweet nothings, I believed him and that just… sort of happened… It was a fling. I feel so, so ashamed of that, Brian. If I could go back in time and change it, I would."
He watches her with hurt so evident, it makes her swallow.
"How long?"
"Three months," she blurts out, choosing safer number. That's the real time in which she and one of the bankers from her old firm has been truly physical… Because counting not so innocent hugs and stolen kisses would only create more damage to what's already messed up.
His features harden back.
"Fling? You call three months a fling?!"
She curses herself under her breath. She knows she's at the disadvantage and has no idea how to make this situation more fifty-fifty, yet keep him from throwing daggers at her. She already tried crying (what was actually easier than she expected) and shifting the fault on his side isn't getting her nowhere.
She does feel terrible Austin is not Brian's son, but she can't change it now, even if she wish to. She has a sense it's the first time she doesn't know what to say, how to counter words showed in her direction as the fault obviously is hers. She got away with many misbehaviors through her life with thousand different methods, however she never did as wrong as that, her sins from vacation trip looking pale in comparison. Long forgotten shame starts to reappear in her mind and the only thing she can hope for is Brian's love for her and her baby is strong enough to let their family survive.
She shrugs her arms defensively. "I don't know what to tell you, Brian. I'm sorry. I was too weak to say no."
Bitter taste in his mouth makes him nauseous as he grits his teeth. Everything is incoherent about this conversation, both of them moving from anger to anguish and back within seconds and he always hated rollercoasters, physical and emotional ones. The stages of grief? It seems he's going through all of them at the same time.
His sight lowers and he feels so fucking tired, yearning to go back to the reality where person he considered love of his life didn't betrayed him and didn't make him raise another man's child. He longs for a simple safety of knowing his life isn't falling apart. Thanks to Julie, now it's impossible. Little voice in his head uses the opportunity to remind him that if he would knew from the beginning, if he would notice what's going on, his and Katrina's story may took different course. Not bound by vows and bands anymore, he wouldn't have to fight with that pull and break her heart leaving. He could teach her good films and music, take her out to dinners and touch her without regrets. Need to do the last part concerns him the most.
"Who?" he asks, trying to focus on the conversation.
"Guy working at my firm, you don't know him."
"I hope I don't because I'd be on my way to beat the shit out of him," he finds himself saying. It's not his usual selection of words but nothing about the moment is usual and he hears such accurate comments on daily basis, why cannot she. "Who was first?"
"He, I told you."
"Who finished that?"
"Me."
"Why?"
"Because…" she hesitates, "I found out I was pregnant. I knew our life is going to change and I couldn't continue it. I needed to focus on our home."
"And it didn't cross your mind it may not be my child? As you said I wasn't much home, so we haven't been much intimate. The odds weren't on my side."
It did, but she hid this worry deep inside with a prayer to the God she never accepted that if she will never find out the truth, then no harm was done.
Her silence is his answer.
"Here?"
She swallows. "Yes…"
He glances back at their queen sized bed and disgust joins explosive mixture in his veins. Maybe he shouldn't be digging, maybe he should spare himself more aching, maybe he will never grasp the reason why. But understanding is such integral part of his nature, there's no way he's going to leave any case unresolved, especially not this.
"Why didn't you tell me anything when it started? Let's say I believe you felt lonely and that part is my fault," it pains him to admit that, yet it's not the time to deal with disturbing sensation, " but why didn't you tell me? When you started having feelings for him?"
"I told you it didn't mean anything for me…."
"For fuck's sake, Julie–"
"Did you tell me when you started to fuck that bitch?" she spits last word out of her mouth in a sudden outburst, remembrance working her temper up.
She knows he didn't cross any physical lines with her, it might have been some sort of infatuation, although having the taste of her own medicine – even in that slight form – pissed her off extremely and she made him pay for it. And right now? Only because he is a lawyer it doesn't give him damn right to interrogate her.
Despite not being the most observant person, even Julie can sense when the last straw breaks. Talking about the lines, she just crossed the most crucial one and there may be no going back from that. He practically rips off his wedding band from his finger and throws it on the cabinet. She has never seen him so furious, his face creased with rage marks and brownie brown of his eyes almost black.
"What the fuck did you just said to me?! How fucking dare you call her like that when you know nothing has ever happened between us?! I'm done.I wanted to give us a chance but I'm not giving shit about you from now on. The girl I fell in love with, the woman I married – she would never do that to me. Live your life, fuck around, I don't care. You're not my wife. I'm done," Brian shouts as explosion caused by her sparking words rolls down his body.
He spins on his heels and without looking back makes his way to the entrance. Julie catches him in living room, tears now flooding down her face and pulls his hand to stop him from leaving, but he wrests it out. Done means done. Brian opens up the door with too much force and shuts it closed in the same manner, not giving a thought to the sleeping baby nor the crying woman behind. It's not his problem anymore.
Devastated. Right now it's the only word nearing to describe his state of mind. But what else can be expected of the man who just lost his family?
As long as he was walking through the city without concrete sense where he is going, that long he was able to keep it together, driven by ire. But when he finally found himself on a bench in a darkening passage of green few crossings away from his home… apartment, his angry red thoughts slowed down and despair started to take their place. It's like someone has ripped his heart out from his chest and for the first time in a very long period he thinks of crying. Last time he did, these were happy tears of meeting his baby boy in the world. … No, not his baby boy.
He feels silly when his eyes start to water but can't help it. He always wanted to be a father and becoming one was breathtaking process, both tiring and exhilarating and so, so fulfilling. Awareness he is responsible for creating a new life gave him chills, the most tangible evidence of his existence on Earth. Not only that, the fragile soul he will always put first and love no matter what and oh, the amount of love he has for that little human being is infinite. It's something so thrilling he couldn't ever imagine it before holding his tiny body in his arms.
What is he going to do with that instinct now? Does he even have a right to keep that affection? Isn't it another's man privilege? Austin is Altman but if this bastard would come claiming him, Brian wouldn't have grounds to keep the baby.
He blinks tears away, weak effort to not fall apart in a public place. Everything is so messed up, his mind is humming with thousand different questions, each more confusing than the last one.
Was he really such a terrible husband? Did he neglected his wife's needs so much she had to turn into another man's embrace? Or were there other reasons for what she did? Did he promised her something Brian couldn't give her? Did she do that for thrills and excitement as she used to break rules when she was younger? It's not possible she cheated on him simply because he had less time for her, isn't it? Or perhaps it is? How the hell has he not seen it coming?
His head is heavy when he places it between his palms. He has never been a part of those runners, people not facing the music when their time has come, cowards who don't see their own faults even if those are big as house. Yet he can't fight the growing and gnawing sensation he has just become one as denial tries to sweep him, defending his actions. He was doing everything for them, to assert their life and the life they wanted to have in the future. Long hours spend at work were supposed to bring them closer to the dream of their own place and yearly vacations. But were his doings so selfless as he wants to believe, though? Is he really the person he thinks to be?
Groan escapes his mouth and part of him wishes he would never find out. This way they could live in their bubble and his heart would be in its place as it should be. Although squeezing his closed eyes, he knows it's not an option, never was. One man said that in the end, the ugliest truth is still better than the prettiest of lies. He tries to hold onto that sentence as to a saving line, last thing preserving him from drowning in sorrow.
He needs to talk. He needs to get this all of his system and let someone with different point of view show it to him in a new light. Someone who can comprehend coherent idea, someone logical and sensible and opposite of what he is right now, someone to pick him up because he is on his knees and doesn't know how to stand anymore. Someone…
Katrina.
No, not her. He can't. Not only because it's trading dangerous waters, but also because he broke her heart almost as much as his was broken.
She will get you. She will have your back. She always did.
It's not fair. He hurt her badly and she doesn't deserve to carry his burden in addition. She probably hates him for what he did and he cannot blame her for that, the action saving his ass more than hers. He can just hope she handled it the best possible way she could, no matter what it was. If it was resent, then he has to accept the fact. Maybe she will forgive him someday and they could be friends again.
He didn't speak it out loud or even form an actual thought, but he missed having her in his life, despite how short lived their friendship was. If not for the threat of something bigger, something forbidden hiding behind the corner, he wouldn't have to give her up. But what's done is done, isn't it?
It doesn't have to be. You'll never find out if you won't try.
He sighs straightening up. He senses himself caving but tries to stop it nonetheless. What is he imagining? She may as well close the door in front of his face before he will utter a word. She's one of the most rational people he knows (sometimes even too much) and this would be perfectly rational act.
Looking around he notices how dark it is, evening settling in its full glory. She may be home already. She most definitely will be home by the time he will show up at her place, it's not that near. His body starts to feel restless, his legs itching him to move.
If she still has that perplexing ability to completely separate emotions from her judgement, this might be your chance. If she will listen to you, she's the person to sort it out for you.
He stands up and for a moment hesitates, wondering if he is ready to take another swing if she decides to screw him over. There isn't much to lose on his side though. Brian isn't sure if he still has his dignity in the least and if he doesn't… Well, fuck this. This day cannot get worse even if she would slap his face and yell at him to go to hell. Somehow he can see her doing just that, the memory of her outburst on the last case reappearing in his mind.
And if she won't be able to hear you out, maybe she will borrow you PATTIE.
He actually snorts on that, finally confident enough to grant permission for his feet to carry him on. This program was the reason why their whole relationship started and as rocky as it was in the beginning, he wouldn't have it any other way. If they managed to find middle ground back then, perhaps they will now as well.